Modern Family "ASSUMPTIONS" By Amanda Allen

Amanda Allen amandaallen16@yahoo.com

ACT ONE EXT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS NEIGHBORHOOD SIDEWALK - MORNING

Cameron is in his workout clothes and pushing Lilly in the stroller down their sidewalk and falls into the walk with two other neighborhood mommys also pushing strollers. CAMERON (to ladies) Good morning ladies! Im so glad yall asked us to join yall, I could use to spare a few pounds. NEIGHBORHOOD MOM #1 NELL No problem! The more the merrier Cam and hi whittle Lilly! Geez Cam she is just adorable! CAMERON Well thank you, she gets her fabulosity from me.. Everyone laughs.. NEIGHBORHOOD MOM #1 NELL (CONTD) Fabulosity? Im loving that word. Anywho, as I was saying earlier..no matter what I did, I just couldnt get it right. Ya know? NEIGHBORHOOD MOM # 2 DEB I know exactly the feeling Nell..it happens all the time to me too, but I just listen to him closer and do it better the next time. Now Cameron feels he should say something to be more relatable to the ladies and to keep up with the conversation. They are walking up to the playground area. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PLAYGROUND/PARK- MORNING Cameron and the ladies are getting their toddlers out of the strollers to play. Cameron dabs his head with a towel then gets Lilly out. CAMERON I totally can relate girls. My Mitchell is the same way. If something isnt done just (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CAMERON (contd) perfectly-the way he thinks it should be..than forget it! Cameron does the crazy hands motion. CAMERON (CONTD) He gets so crazy he scares me sometimes, but hes always sorry afterward, so we just gotta love em through it... right ladies? (To Lilly) Cmon Lilly, lets go slide. The ladies give each other a worried/confused look. EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - PLAYGROUND - DAY

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On the playground at the monkey bars is a group of boys gathered around. They are taking turns going back and forth across it. One boy in particular thinks hes the toughest. Luke is standing by watching them. TOUGH BOY ON PLAYGROUND (to Luke) Hey Luke! I bet you cant do that! LUKE Psshhh...whatever..watch me! He climbs up having a little trouble. He grabs a hold of the first bar and then steps off. He just hangs there, trying to swing himself over but unsuccessful. The boys laugh and the bell rings. Lukes scared to let go, but his hands slip and he falls to the ground. Hes all alone staring at a bug on the ground. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKES BEDROOM- EVENING Claire is putting up laundry and enters Lukes room. He is sitting on his bed exercising with the shaky weight but the actual weight is blocked by the messy covers/pillows. All Claire sees is the motioning of his arms and assumes hes doing something else. Shes freaked out. CLAIRE (to Luke) Oh! Oh gah... sorry! Uh....okay, just putting up...or down the laundry.. After a beat... (CONTINUED)

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CLAIRE (CONTD) Okay, just laid it right there..and uh..you can put it up, ugghh I mean when youre....Im leaving.. Okay-gone! Fumbling/attempting to shut the door. LUKE (to Claire) Thanks, but mom? Hesitantly she stops in her tracks but she does not want to go back in there. CLAIRE (distraught) Yeah??? LUKE (nonchalantly) Could you bring me a bottle of water when you come back up? Hes out of breath. LUKE (CONTD) Working out is tough, but Im not quitting until my arms are strong enough to cross the monkey bars. CLAIRE (voice cracking) Ummmm....okay...honey? Claire is very disturbed and traumatized. She hurries down the stairs and almost trips and falls over something but catches herself and makes her way into the kitchen to call Phil. INT.DUNPHYS CAR - DAY/INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN DAY Phils driving on his way home listening to "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkely singing very loud. Hes into the song. Cell phone rings. Its Claire. PHIL (in his rapper voice) Holla!

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Claire is annoyed by Phil answering the phone like a rapper and can barely hear him because of the music. Then she hears Phil singing aloud, very off-key while trying to keep up with the words. PHIL "Cmon now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are...HaHaHa-Bless your soul!" Claire is rolling her eyes and biting her lip. CLAIRE Phil. Hellooo? PHIL! Phil turns down the radio..still enjoying himself. PHIL Man, thats a good song..I can totally get down with that beat. What up sweet thang? CLAIRE Sure you can honey, and by the way could you please quit answering the phone like Lil Will or whoever, I mean what if it was a business call? PHIL What? You are my bidness- and there is such a thing called caller id AND its Lil John by the way....you said Lil Will..Im pretty sure theres not a Lil Will. INTERVIEW PHIL AND CLARIE Phil is amused by what Claire said is mocking her. PHIL Lil Will??? Hes moving his hands like hes mixing records. PHIL (CONTD) Youre so wiggity-wiggity whaaaack! Claire is looking at Phil like hes an idiot, then mimics what he just did.

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CLAIRE And youre so diggity-diggity dumb... Phil just looks at her with a blank look. INT. DUNPHY CAR - DAY/INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN - DAY- CONTINUOUS CLAIRE OK whatever Phil..listen, I just walked into Lukes room, putting up laundry and.. Sighs dishearteningly.. CLAIRE (CONT"D) He was....you knowPHIL You know what? Claire? Hello? You there? I think Im loosing you. CLAIRE No Phil Im here...dont make me say it-Luke was YOU KNOW. PHIL (CONTD) I know what? Could ya please throw me a bone here Claire..this really isnt fun anymore....geez louise... Suddenly distracted by woman jogging as he is driving home coming through Jay and Glorias neighborhood. Its Gloria running and her boobs are bouncing up and down vigorously, then realizes Claire is still on the phone and makes worried face. CLAIRE (irritated) Phil! Are you listening to me? And could you please quit saying bone? (shutters) I took Lukes laundry into his room and he was (whispering into the phone what she assumes Luke is doing) Phil is trying to pay close attention to Claire now that Gloria s out of the picture.

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PHIL OH, oh..okay then poor choice of words obviously ,not cool. Okay okay calm down- its a normal guy thang honey. Ill handle it. CLAIRE (grossed out) ugghhh... PHIL (proudly) Welp get ready Claire, your babys turning into a man now. A Dunphy man. CLAIRE Okay Phil, yeah cuz the ability to tickle your own pickle is what makes a man. Phil is thinking to himself. PHIL (CONTD) I guess I was about his age too. Wonder Woman-she was my inspiration..she had the bigWe reveal Claire is annoyed and she cuts him off. CLAIRE Phil! Focus please..and really a cartoon? Thats just creepy. PHIL Too much? CLAIRE He asked me to get him some water and that he wasnt quitting until his arms were strong enough to do the monkey bars??!! PHIL What does that even mean? Thats weird even for Luke. CLAIRE (CONT"D) I dunno Phil... PHIL (CONTD) But hey look on the bright sidehes finally dedicated to (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: PHIL (CONTD) (contd) something...and maybe this is his "thang"? Claire hangs up. JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW Proudly and excitedly. GLORIA I am going to run a 5k race to help raise money for the families at the orphanage and give back to the community. JAY What is this "Annie"? Its not an orphanage Gloria. I already told you its for the local homeless shelter.. GLORIA So?..De same in my country. JAY And I dont think you realize how tough a 5k is going to be..thats a little over three miles. GLORIA (to Jay) Who is this "Annie" person and why do you keep calling me this? Is she an ex-lover that you cant get out of your mind? Not a very pretty name. (mockingly with a face) "Annie" Jay gives her a disturbed look. JAY (to Gloria) What are you talking about? You really dont know who "Annie" is? There was a whole movie about her and everything. She had a hard-knock life, then got adopted by some old rich dude named Daddy Warbucks or something like that.. Gloria glares at him with a rancorous look.

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GLORIA Kind of like me and you old man? Anyways..I used to run all the time in Columbia. JAY (CONTD) Okay, okay..... but its a lot easier running from something and believe me youre giving back to the community plenty as it is. EXT. JAY AND GLORIAS NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY INSERT FOOTAGE: Glorias running on their street in workout clothes headed home. Her boobs are bouncing tantalizingly as cars drive by and some are even swerving off the road and screeching their tires. Jay is driving home and sees for himself what is happening. EXT. JAY AND GLORIAS HOUSE DRIVEWAY- DAY Jay is standing in the driveway outside of his car when Gloria comes running up to him, takes a drink of her water and gives him a peck on the lips. He is uptight regarding what he just witnessed meanwhile Glorias oblivious. JAY Hey listen..you wouldnt happen to have any of those , uh..I dont know what theyre called, sports bra thingys or whatever? To uh.. maybe help with the uh- well you know.. We reveal that Jay is motioning to his chest area. JAY (CONTD) bouncing of the umm...breasts? We reveal that Manny walks outside and overhears Jays last comment and sees him doing the hand gesture for the bouncing of the boobs. MANNY (poignantly) Obviously Jay she doesnt own one, but Ive seen them in Cosmo. Now Gloria is looking confused.

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GLORIA Own what? I run, they bounce..what can I do...not run? Jay looks at Manny concerned. JAY (CONTD) (to Manny) You read Cosmo? MANNY (CONTD) Relax Jay its moms. Its no secret that I enjoy keeping up with the ladies, it helps my game. Jay shrugs, not looking surprised. MANNY (CONTD) And mom what Jay is referring to is a sports bra. You need one. It will keep your..um....from bouncing so much. Cuz to be honest that kinda looks like it would hurt... Manny makes gesture like Jay did to the chest area. Gloria walks to the front door of the house and stands on the front steps. GLORIA (sternly) Okay whatever, but back home we just used duck tape...but that does hurt.... I was cursed with this body! Oh well lets hurry and get to the mall and get a "sports bra" before my race this evening... (she says mockingly but then it dawns on her) Maybe thats why all those cars were swerving crazy today. I just thought there was a pot hole or maybe a bee in the car. Meh..oh well, going to go take shower than you go with me nino? We reveal Manny and Jay are sitting on the front steps now. JAY (thinking about the duck tape) Duck tape?

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MANNY (to Gloria) Sure mom. Gloria exits. JAY (to Manny) Thanks boy for helping me out there. MANNY (CONTD) (to Jay) Helping you out? I dont think so, not this time Jay. Do you know how many of my friends drive on this street with their parents? I know shes a beautiful woman Jay, but shes still my mother and those things have to be contained. (Manny shutters) So,I will go help her and spare you-but you owe me Jay. Manny is talking like the Godfather.. MANNY (CONTD) (to Jay) This will not go unforgotten. Jay is looking at Manny a little concerned. INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX-LIVING ROOM - EVENING Cameron and Lilly are in the floor playing with blocks. CAMERON Look Lilly, this is a purple block...can you say pur-ple? And this is a yellow block, say yel-low. He hands her the yellow block. Lilly throws the block back at Cameron and hits him in the corner of the eye and makes a small cut. He grabs the side of his eye. CAMERON Ouch Lilly..you gave daddy a boo-boo. He rubs it and sees that its bleeding a little.

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CAMERON (CONTD) (getting up out of the floor) Oh dear-looks like daddy is bleeding. Lets go get this cleaned up. Daddy Mitchell will be here soon and he doesnt do too well with boo-boos. MITCHELL AND CAMERON INTERVIEW Cameron is trying to look somewhat serious and keep a straight face at the same time but he cant hide the smirk. CAMERON Mithchell doesnt do blood. Mitchell shaking his head agreeing. MITCHELL No..no...thats one thing I cant handle sorry. CAMERON (CONTD) The one thing? Really? (he turns and gives Mitchell a look) Anyways simply the sight of it and he faints just like the little fainting goats we had back home. There were two actually that were my favorite - they were the spunkiest. MITCHELL Spunkiest? CAMERON Hush,its a word...anyways..they were spunkier than the others..well until they fainted but anywho I named them Gum Drop.. Cameron is grinning and smirking. CAMERON (CONTD) and Dizzy Lizzy. Nothing against our friends the lesbians either...it just rhymed with dizzy...but you get it? (with his hands out to the side) Gum Drop and Dizzy Lizzy? (CONTINUED)

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Mitchell looks condescendingly. MITCHELL Yep got it. Very... clever Cam. Cameron giving Mitchell a dirty look. INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX-EVENING Mitchell comes in the door from work, taking off his jacket and loosening up his tie. MITCHELL Hello? Cam? Lilly? Whats my two favorite divas been up to today? CAMERON (O.S.) Were in the bathroom Mitchell... Mitchell enters the bathroom. Lilly is sitting on the counter and Mitchell picks her up with a kiss. Cameron is doctoring his wound with some antibiotic cream. CAMERON Dont even look Mitchell. MITCHELL Okay but ouch..what happened? CAMERON (Matter-of-factly) Lilly and I were playing in the floor with the blocks and she just chunked the yellow block at me. Just chunked it Mitchell. MITCHELL Chunked it? Im assuming that means throw? CAMERON Yes Mitchell. Its not a very big cut but Mitchell looks and starts gagging. CAMERON Oh you big wussy. Mitchell this really worries me. Shes obviously taken in all the negativity youve associated with me and the color yellow. And for the record, Id (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CAMERON (contd) betcha my bottom dollar and say... thats why she threw it at me. There I said it. Mitchell is amused my Cams comment. MITCHELL Oh Cam thats silly. Betcha bottom dollar? Since when did we start talking like the guy from Hee-Haw? CAMERON Do you just like hurting my feelings Mitchell? You knew I was born and raised on a farm when you made the decision to woo me. MITCHELL Woo you? Thats funny, moo you.. Cameron glares at him and is clearly offended. MITCHELL (CONTD) What? Cam, thats funny...it rhymes with.....woo..and the farm..and...no? Okay. Now Mitchell looks like he regrets saying it.

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Door bell rings. Mitchell exits the bathroom carrying Lilly while Cam is finishing up with his wound. MITCHELL (To Lilly) I wonder who this could be? Mitchell calls out to Cam while he is walking to the front door. MITCHELL By the way, I told Gloria wed come and watch her run her first race this evening...for support and allAfter a beat.... MITCHELL (CONTD) Are you expecting anyone Cam? CAM (O.S.) (quickly) Just the smart-ass police from Hickville to arrest you, make you (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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CAM (O.S.) (contd) wear an orange jumpsuit, schuck corn and sing show tunes for the prisoners. Cameron smiles at the camera through the mirror with sarcasm. MITCHELL (CONTD) Okay, okay but at least I admit I look hideous in orange...and shuck corn? Do I even want to know what that means? Camerons finishing up in the bathroom when he hears Mitchell open the door only to recognize the neighborhood moms, Deb and Nells voices. Mitchell has never met them. MITCHELL (smiling) Hello? Can I help you? NELL Hi..Im Nell and this is Deb. Is Cam home? Mitchell a little confused calls out for Cameron. MITCHELL (hesitation) Sure...come on in. CAM! Youve got company. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. DUNPHY HOUSE- ENTRYWAY- EVENING Phil comes in the front door, loosens up his tie, puts his things down and starts looking around. CLAIRE ( O.S.) Phil is that you? Thank God.. PHIL Yea its me. Big poppas in tha hizzouse... CLAIRE ( O.S.) Great- could you come to the kitchen quickly big wonka?

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PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL Seriously? Did she just say big wonka? Im really beginning to question Claires gansta rapper knowledge. I mean first Lil Will and now Notorious B.I.G.? Cmon! Now he is attempting to sing with his hands out in the air like a gansta rapper. PHIL (CONTD) "Love it when you call me Big Poppa" - Seriously I do love it. She says that to me when.. (Phil is being very animated with his eyes) Ya know what I mean?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE -

KITCHEN-EVENING

Claire is standing near the window staring into the backyard, biting her nail when Phil comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her with a kiss on the cheek. PHIL Whats gonna on my lady? Horror-stricken Claire points out into the yard , then turns into Phils chest. PHIL Uh...what? Oh those two birds? Wow they really are.. CLAIRE Phil do you always have to be so oblivious? Luke,Phil! Look..underneath the trampoline. PHIL Oh. Luke is underneath the trampoline excercising with the shakey weight but again the tree/bush is blocking the weight and all they can see is the motioning of his arms. PHIL (staring out the window in disbelief) (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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PHIL (contd) I would of never guessed this is what hed be good at. CLAIRE (scornfully) Well is it really that hard to be bad at? Geez - Phil! She walks over to the kitchen area and starts unloading the dishwasher while she is talking to Phil, still staring out the window. PHIL (CONTD) But I mean hes taking it to another level, broad daylight? Little mans guy nerve..maybe even talent.. Claire stops and looks at him like he just said the stupidest thing hes ever said. CLAIRE And what kind of talent would that be Phil? Can he put that down on a college application? Can he get trophies for this "talent?" NO HE CAN NOT. You get out there and make the little wacko stop! Scare him...tell him..uh...it can break or something - anything! Phil is walking towards the backdoor and thinks what Claire just said is funny. PHIL Wacko? Looks whos being funny now. CLAIRE (now loading the dishwasher) Seriously? What about the neighbors? Or dear heavens - what if Hayley and Alex catch him doing it wherever he pleases?? Do YOU know what that would do to them? Claire looks at the camera.

17. CLAIRE INTERVIEW She is very disturbed talking about this. CLAIRE One time... (deep sigh) and ONLY one time, thank God, I walked in on Mitchell. (she gags) Sorry, I think I just threw up a little. Okay, Im good. (sighs again) I walked in on Mitchell doing, well you know to a Culture Club/Boy George song. To this day if I hear "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" I literally get sick to my stomach. I DO NOT want Alex and Hayley to ever have to experience that...ever. Shaking her head thinking about the horrific memory. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE KITCHEN-EVENING CONTINUOUS

Phil starts walking out the door then stops. He still feels the need to reassure Claire that things are okay and this is normal. He grabs her face with both hands very dramatically and tries to calm Claire down in his "Phil" way. PHIL Yes Im going..but first the main thing we gotta remember is that this is not abnormal...all creatures on earth do it. Claire is rolling her eyes and is now more irritated but a part of her wants to hear this.. CLAIRE Okay..Im dying to hear this. What animals you know? PHIL Uhh..Im guessing monkeys for sure. Cuz they have the little hands and all, and they have the feet that look like hands, added bonus for those guys.. Beat..

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PHIL (CONTD) Elephants - Im sure they do with those long trunks, again lucky dudes AND last but not least dogs. They hump stuff, thats the same thing right? Claire just staring at him with uncertainty. CLAIRE Youve actually thought about this - before this moment havent you? Little weird Phil.. Phil walks out the door. Meanwhile Claire is finished loading the dishwasher,gets the detergent out, opens the lid and it squirts straight up in the air. CLAIRE (CONTD) (aghast) Seriously!? Talking to God. CLAIRE (CONTD) What did I ever do to you? Cleaning up the mess with a dish rag and towel forcefully. CLAIRE (CONTD) Well - whatever...guess I oughta get use to doing this anyways.. INT. MALL- DAY Gloria and Manny leave. Gloria is but has to go to restrooms people are walking through the food court to carrying her bag with her new sports bra, the restroom. Manny just stands outside the watching. Gloria exits the restroom.

GLORIA (eagerly) Lets go nino. Weve got to hurry. Ive still got to get ready. CLOSE UP: GLORIAS DRESS IS TUCKED INTO HER COTTON GRANNY PANTIES. We reveal that people keep walking past them, staring and smirking. Men walk by and give flirtatious looks. Manny gets upset.

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MANNY (to onlookers) Havent you any respect for a beautiful woman? GLORIA (to Manny) Aww - my little man sticking up for his mother. Its okay nino - lets go home. GLORIA INTERVIEW Proudly GLORIA Im used to it, it happens all the time but I guess it does bother Manny to see people staring at his mother like a sex symbol. Hes a good boy. INT. MALL- DAY Manny turns back to give a man a dirty look, when he notices Glorias dress is tucked into her panties. He panics and tries to gently pull it out, but she feels him tugging and sees for herself in horror. GLORIA (yelling at Manny) Oh No! Why you not tell me Manny??? She blast something in Spanish, while yanking it down. She seems to be more embarrassed of the fact that they were cotton granny panties vs. her regular sexy panties. MANNY (panicky) I didnt know! GLORIA (Panicking also then to the onlookers) What? What? You never see beautiful woman in cotton panties before? EHH?? I am training for a marathon, and the panties match my new sports bra.... that stop my breast from bouncing!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MANNY (very uncomfortable with all the attention and commotion) Cmon mom..lets go.

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Gloria still feels the need to explain herself and her panties to the onlookers, turns around to say one last thing with her hands. GLORIA (CONTD) Ehh..marathon for the poor people at the orphanage..who..who..probably dont have NO panties! The people look worried and puzzled. GLORIA INTERVIEW Embarrased. GLORIA Okay so I was wrong. Thats why the people were staring. And maybe I tell a little white lie about running a marathon. Or that the people in the orphanage have no panties. I dont know if they do OR dont have panties but those people with their staring and judging..I just reacted and got the hell out of there. INT. MALL - DAY CONTINUOUS Gloria and Manny are walking hurriedly through the food court to exit the mall. There are employees of the different food chains standing in front offering free samples. FOOD CHAIN EMPLOYEE (to Gloria) Free sample mam? GLORIA (to all the food employees) NO SAMPLES, NO SAMPLES, NO SAMPLES....Cmon Manny..walk faster. Manny is trying to reach for one, but Gloria yanks his arm and is pulling him. Manny really wants a sample but he disallows himself.

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MANNY INTERVIEW MANNY I could of had one of those samples. I had my fingers on it. But what kind of son would I have been, when my mother was clearly publicly shamed in front of everyone in that food court and Im eating a delicious piece of bourbon chicken? INT. JAY AND GLORIA HOUSE- LIVING ROOM - EVENING Gloria and Manny enter the house. Jay is sitting on the couch watching TV. JAY (to Gloria and Manny casually) Hey, howd it go? We reveal Manny is shaking his head, trying to signal to Jay not to ask any questions as Gloria heads for the stairs. GLORIA (to Jay) It was fine. Im going upstairs to to change and get ready for the race. Stupid sports bra. Gloria goes upstairs. JAY (to Manny) Whats her problem? MANNY I dunno, maybe its her time of the month... Manny goes into the other room uncomfortable and doesnt want to talk about it. Jays sitting on the couch watching television. JAY (outloud to himself) Huh....Ill never figure those two out. Beat..

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CONTINUED: GLORIA (O.S.)(CONTD) Jay! Are you ready to go? JAY (CONTD) As Ill ever be.. CLOSE UP: JAY GIVES BLAS LOOK. JAY INTERVIEW JAY Seriously, I love the broad...but this is gonna be painful to watch. I mean shes the most uncoordinated person Ive ever met. Ahh hell, I gotta go and support her and make sure she got the whole boob thing taken care of and keep the goons in check if nothing else. INT. GLORIA AND JAYS LIVING ROOM-EVENING - CONTINUOUS GLORIA (excitedly) OK! We ready to go everyone? JAY Yep, lets go.... (to himself) and get this over with.. GLORIA You say something Jay? JAY Nope.. said I cant wait to see you win. GLORIA Awww, thats so sweet Jay! Im so lucky that you support me-I love you Papi. You a good husband. Manny come on!! INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX - EVENING

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Cameron heard the ladies voices and immediately looked at his wound and became paranoid because of their conversation that morning about Mitchell scaring him. He panics then hurries to their bedroom and finds his sunglasses. He walks out into the living room with them on to greet them. (CONTINUED)

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CAMERON (very aloof) Well hello ladies! Mitchell, dear, this is Nell and Deb. MITCHELL (unsure of whats going on) Yes they introduced themselves. CAMERON (overly fawning) Oh okay well great! Ladies this is my Mitchell. NELL (Disinterested in Mitchell) Yes we met. Cam we were just in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and give you these pictures of you and Lilly at the park this morning after our walk. There is awkwardness in the room. Everyone obviously wondering what is up with the sunglasses. And Mitchell is wondering why theyre being short with him. Lilly is playing in the floor. Cameron and Mitchell are looking at the pictures. INSERT PICTURE #1: Cameron is shoved into the slide with Lilly, and her hair is standing straight up because of the static. INSERT PICTURE #2: Lilly is in the infant swing going up in the air while Cameron looks like hes running after her frantically. INSERT PICTURE #3: All the little kids on the merry-go-round while Cameron was desperately trying to run with it but is in the midst of falling down. We reveal while Cameron and Mitchell are looking at the pictures the two ladies are trying to discreetly whisper to each other. MITCHELL (CONTD) (whispers to Cameron ) Why are they being short with me and whats with the glasses? CAMERON (CONTD) Just go along with it, Ill tell you later.

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MITCHELL Okay.... (focused on the pictures now) Oh how sweet Cam....really? You got into the slide? MITCHELL AND CAMERONS INTERVIEW Cameron on the defense. CAMERON In my defense that slide was not that small, its just the way the picture was taken. And YES I got in there with her Mitchell! Do you not know that the most common cause of children going to the E.R. is playground accidents? (holding the picture up) look at her face...she loved it. CLOSE UP: LILLYS FACE IN THE PICTURE, WITH HER HAIR STANDING STRAIGHT UP AND A WORRIED EXPRESSION - STUFFED IN THE SLIDE. MITCHELL (CONTD) Yea..youre right, she looks thrilled. INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - EVENING CONTINUOUS MITCHELL Well ladies it was very nice meeting you but were having an office brunch tomorrow at work and Im making this fabulous recipe I got out of the "O" magazine for Pumpkin Applesauce muffins. NELL (disingenuously) Oh sounds lovely. MITCHELL (looking perplexed) Okay... Cam could you join me just for a sec and show me where that muffin pan is again?

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CAMERON Oh sure..excuse me ladies just for a moment-would you mind keeping an eye on Lilly for a jiffy? DEB (to Cameron) Not at all.. We reveal Mitchell and Cameron both enter the kitchen as well as Camerons strange behavior. INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX - KITCHEN - EVENING MITCHELL Okay Ronnie Millsap, whats up with the glasses? And why are they being downright rude to me? Camerons fidgeting with his fingers and is nervous. CAMERON Mitchell, promise me you wont get mad.. MITCHELL Cam... CAMERON Alright...well this morning during our walk they were bitching about their husbands, and I felt like I should say something to fit in... Mitchell opens his mouth....knowing where this is going. CAMERON (CONTD) (talking really fast) And so I said sometimes you get a little crazy when you get mad and scare me and now I have this cut above my eye from Lilly, which technically IS your fault, but anyways Im scared theyll think the worst, and then Ill have to explain what really happened, then theyll think Im just a pathetic liar. MITCHELL Which you are-

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CAMERON And in denial about the abuse. MITCHELL Which doesnt existCAMERON So Im just trying to avoid all the weirdness. Im sorry Mitchell please forgive me? MITCHELL (now belligerent) Weirdness?? You dont think its weird that youre walking around the house in sunglasses OR they think that "I" beat up on you like were Ike and Tina Turner and Im Ike? Oh my gosh Cam... CAMERON I know - youd totally be Tina. But Im so sorry Mitchell please forgive me...Ill just tell them I had my eyes dilated today..and then Ill get rid of them, just stay in here...please? Im so sorry...... We reveal Mitchell is pissed and figures hell get even with Cameron. Cameron goes back into the living room. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE EXT. DUNPHY BACKYARD - EVENING Phil walks out to the trampoline cautiously. PHIL (looks at the camera) Luke? Buddy? Whatcha doing? LUKE Just working out dad, you wanna try? We reveal Luke is turning around and fixing to show Phil the shakey weight. Phil starts to panic.

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PHIL Oh..no..little dude thats okay! I know how... Luke reveals the shakey weight to Phil. PHIL (elated and relaxed) What?? This is what youve been doing? Phil sits down beside Luke underneath the trampoline. LUKE (clueless) Yea why? We reveal Phil is relieved. PHIL No reason. Your mom and I thought you were..nevermind-anyways this is what you were talking about doing until your arms are strong enough for the monkey bars? LUKE Yea, these guys at school were going across it and bet me that I couldnt do it.. PHIL Whatever, you showed them right? LUKE No - I just hung there until I slipped off the first bar..saw a really cool bug on the groud though. PHIL Cool! But yea dude..those monkey bars are pretty tough, now that I remember. Well just keep workn those guns out, before long theyll be big as mine. SHOT OF PHIL WITH SLEEVE PULLED UP SHOWING HIS ARM MUSCLE WITH A TATTOO OF HIS CHEER SQUAD LOGO. Phil yells for Claire to tell her the good news, but Claire doesnt hear him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28.

PHIL (inspired) Let me try that thang. Luke hands it to him. LUKE The faster you do it- the harder it becomes. We reveal that Phil gives a look to the camera. Then tries to do it the fastest he can and starts to laugh when it gets hard then hands it back to Luke and he does it as fast as he can. PHIL (childlike) Lets see who can do it as fast as they can the longest....start counting.. LUKE One, two, three... INT. DUNPHY HOUSE KITCHEN - EVENING - CONTINUOUS

Claire walks over to the kitchen window and sees in horror what looks like a disturbing father/son moment. CLAIRE (to herself as she is running to the back door) OH MY... Phil! PHIL!? Oh this is soo gonna be on Dateline. As Claire is making her way to the back door, Alex and Hayley walk into the kitchen and see for themselves what Phil and Luke are doing. They immediately start screaming and run out in revulsion. CLAIRE (Aloud to the girls) Girls! Hayleys running up the stairs. HAYLEY (O.S.) You people are so disgusting! I cant wait til Im 18 so I can move out!!!! Father and son??? What is he teaching the little sicko to do it?

29.

HAYLEY INTERVIEW HAYLEY So its official, Ill never have a normal sex life. Well.. I probably will but its gonna be really tough. First seeing my parents, now seeing my dad and brother....ugghhh! Turn off the camera..I think Im gonna puke. She gets up and runs... INT. DUNPHY HOUSE KITCHEN - EVENING - CONTINUOUS

Alex storms out of the kitchen. ALEX (as shes storming out) Mom! How are you ever attracted to that?? I know hes my father and I still have questions about that but really? Thats what you like?? CLAIRE (yelling at Alex) Alex, come on..No thats NOT what I like! Ive got doubts too believe me.. Phil comes rushing in with Luke and theyre both laughing and carrying the shaky weight. PHIL (clueless) Great news Claire! Little man has been "working out" (with air quotes) with this. We reveal Phil holding up the shaky weight and demonstrates it - Claire turns away still nauseated from the shock of the assumption. CLAIRE (desperate) Stop please! What is that? And where did that come from? LUKE (casually) Its a shaky weight and grandpa gave it to dad a couple of years (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

LUKE (contd) ago for Christmas and I found it in the garage. So...I started using it. Its much easier than lifting weights...you just gotta... Then Luke starts to demonstrate it for Claire. CLAIRE (disturbed) Ohhh....okay thats awsome honey and does this have something to do with the monkey bars??? And why? LUKE Because these tough guys at school said that I couldnt do it, and I couldnt. So I figured Id make my arms strong so I can go across them-and not just hang there. CLAIRE (relieved and sarcasitc) Oh honey.....I sooo wish you would of told me this sooner because you may have been able to save your dads life. LUKE (confused) Huh? PHIL (puzzled) What? CLAIRE (to Luke) Go on upstairs, take a shower and get ready for dinner. Luke takes off upstairs and Phil is unsure of whats going on and Claire is fuming. PHIL (laughing then) Am I fixing to die? Honey..this is good news. All this time we thought he was..you know..but he.. Claire cuts him off.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

CLAIRE (enraged) Phil!! The girls walked in and saw the two of you sharing a father/son hallmark moment of what looked like....UGGHHH!!! We reveal she starts pacing back and forth. PHIL (Claire is scaring him) Not cool...Well lets just go up there and explain to themCut off again.. CLAIRE (distraught) Phil..theyve walked in on us having sex and NOW they "think" theyve seen...ughh! I mean how much more can we screw their heads up? PHIL (CONTD) Probably alot.. Claire stares him down. PHIL (CONTD) Sorry. INT. MITCHELL AND CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - EVENING Cameron walks back into the living room and sits in the chair across from the ladies and checks on Lilly in the floor. CAMERON Sorry about that ladies...I had to help him find the muffin pan, the muffin pan.. Trying to make a joke, but the ladies want to know what is up with the sunglasses. DEB (to Cam) Youre so funny Cam, ..do you usually wear sunglasses in the house? Just curious?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CAMERON Oh no! Thatd be silly! I had my eyes dilated a little earlier this evening and theyre still kind of sensitive to the light.

32.

While Cameron was fidgeting with his glasses, Nell pops Lillys pacifier out of her mouth and it falls to the floor. NELL Oh..okay. Ooops! Lilly dropped her paci. CAMERON (to Lilly) Oh here you go sweetie. He bends over to pick it up and his glasses fall off. Both of the ladies gasp. Cameron panics and puts them back on. CAMERON (to the ladies frantically) Its not what you think...Lilly threw a yellow block at me earlier this afternoon during playtime,and shes not too fond of yellow because Mitchell says its not my color.. Ladies gasp again. CAMERON I know- I totally look hot in yellow, but Oh No! Im not making this sound any better. Earlier this morning I just said what I said about Mitchell scaring me because you two were bitching about yalls husbands..and I just.. NELL (shocked) What? When? CAMERON (discombobulated) You know when you said no matter what you did, it was never enough? And then you agreed Deb? NELL (awkward laughter, then) What? We were talking about our casserole recipe that we seen Chef (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

33.

NELL (contd) Mike make on the Food program - theres never enough to go around. You thought we were talking about our husbands being abusive? DEB (with cockiness) Thats funny, Scotty? Huhh...Id put a boot in his.... NELL (rolling her eyes) Okay okay..we know Deb..but no Cam, I think you got the wrong idea this morning but maybe its a good thing if it means we can help you... CLOSE UP: CAMERONS FACE CAMERON (uncomfortable) Oh..I see. Well I obviously made the wrong assumption..and theres just been a big misunderstanding here.. Meanwhile in the kitchen Mitchell starts slamming cabinet doors, and dropping pans purposely to get back at Cameron. MITCHELL (O.S.) (loud and angry voice) CAM! WHERES MY MIXER? The ladies look at each other startled. Cameron looks shocked. CAMERON (irritated) Its where it always is honey... MITCHELL (O.S.)(CONTD) NO IT ISNT CAMERON. THATS FINE. WELL JUST DEAL WITH IT AFTER YOUR GUEST LEAVE. The ladies looked even more frightened for Cameron, and hes looking at the ladies not knowing what to say. Still trying to reassure themCAMERON Ladies this isnt what you think..Hes just trying to get back (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CAMERON (contd) at me...we really do have a lovely, perfect,non-violent gay relationship....I mean look (pointing at Lilly) they gave us a baby, they just dont give those out you know. DEB (not hearing a word Cam is saying) Cam were leaving..but take this card. Its for the domestic violence hot-line. Stand up for yourself..besides youre much bigger than he is..take his ass out one good time and show him whos boss!

34.

She hands him the card. And Mitchell growls again very loud and drops a glass. They all jump and Cameron walks them to the door. Cameron glaring into the kitchen.. CAMERON Yes....I am much bigger than him. Thank you ladies. Well be taking a rain check for our morning walk. NELL (worried expression) Okay.... just promise youll call? CAMERON (sarcasm) I promise. Cameron shuts the door hard. Mitchell looks into the living room and sneers at Cam. MITCHELL (amused) Was that less weird? INT. DUNPHY HOUSE KITCHEN - EVENING CONTINUOUS

We reveal Phil and Claire in the kitchen trying to come up with a plan. PHIL Okay so we go up there and show them the weight, without doing it....that would probably too muchtoo soon? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

CLAIRE (shaking her head with crazy look) It doesnt matter now Phil. They saw yall doing the motion and uh frankly theyre gonna need medication to sleep at night. PHIL AND CLARIE INTERVIEW Claires disturbed and has her arms crossed while Phil talks. PHIL (laughs jokingly) What? Its okay..once I found out he wasnt doing what we thought he was doing, I figured Id set down and join him. Father and son work out session..ya know? Working on our guns. CLAIRE (with sarcasm) You mean the gun that has the tattoo with the slogan "Any Man Can Hold a Girls Hand, but Only the Elite Can Hold Her Feet?" Phil just looks at her then the camera man. PHIL Anyways it is kind of awkward though, with Hayley and Alex.... although you gotta admit it was kinda funny... CLAIRE (still pissed) Phil, OUR daughters saw you! They dont know you OR Luke were goofing around. All they know is what THEIR eyes (motioning to her eyes with her two fingers) saw. Do you have any idea what that does to a girl? FLASHBACK: CLAIRE LAID BACK IN THE DENTIST OFFICE CHAIR AND "DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME" COMES THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF THE OFFICE AND SHES GAGGING AND CHOKING WHILE TRYING TO RAISE UP OUT OF THE DENTIST CHAIR.

36.

INT. JAY AND GLORIAS LIVING ROOM - EVENING - CONTINUOUS Manny enters the room with track suit on, matching shoes,sweat band on his head and wrist, whistle around his neck. JAY (to Manny) Ah no..dont tell me you too? You look like Olivia Newton John and Richard Simmons love child. GLORIA Awww my nino you look so sporty! MANNY (to Gloria) Thanks mom. (to Jay) No Jay, Im not running, are you kidding me? I hate sweating- Im gonna be moms coach. You know go along beside her with encouraging words, which brings me to ask you-can I borrow your segway..to ride on the sidelines of course? JAY (to Manny) What? Youll get yourself killed or worse tear it up. MANNY Please Jay, I know how to operate it, if Luke can ride it around the yard without falling into the pool, how hard can it be? GLORIA Hes got a point Jay. JAY What? When was Luke on it?? GLORIA Its never mind Jay, long time ago. JAY (CONTD) Ahh geez..but if you put one scratch on it..

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

GLORIA (O.S.) Cmon lets go! EXT. ROAD RACE- LATE EVENING Crowd is gathered and Gloria is getting her number put on her shirt. Manny is in parking lot going back and forth and in circles and knocks down a trashcan on the segway. Jay doesnt wanna be there. JAY (to Manny) Manny! Manny get off that thing before you run over a person! Manny finally gets it over beside Gloria. The segway is bobbing back and forth. MANNY (to Jay) Dont worry Jay, I got this. JAY (to Manny) Yeah it looks like it. Watch it! Thats my foot! Gloria walks over excitedly. GLORIA (Gleefully) Look at me and my number! Take a picture! JAY (to Gloria and takes a picture) I see that...double zero huh? Of course. GLORIA (laughs with enthusiasm, then) Yes! But I will be #1! The Dunphys show up then Cameron and Mitchell arrive to support Gloria. Glorias at the starting line while the family stands on the sidelines, except for Manny who is on the outside of the boundary line, still bobbing back and forth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ANNOUNCER VOICE Get on your mark, get set-- BOOM!

38.

Gunshot fired. At first Gloria dunks down, then looks around and sees everyone taking off. She looks over at the family. JAY Go Gloria!!! Thats how they start the race! GLORIA (screams) With a gun?? She takes off rambling something in Spanish. GLORIA INTERVIEW GLORIA What? Where I come from...you hear gunshots, you hit the ground or else... EXT. ROAD RACE- LATE EVENING - CONTINUOUS CLAIRE (to everyone) Oh my gosh..is that Manny? What is he doing? We reveal Manny is trying to get going, the racers have already taken off, he cant get going. Then finally he gets moving but sees a cute little girl on the sideline then runs into an orange cone and cant get off of it. CAMERON (watching Manny) Im so glad theyre bringing sweatbands back.. MITCHELL (being a wiseguy) Theyre not. Hey you think I oughta go over there and rough him up? Cameron still thinking of the coolness of the sweatband. CAMERON (CONTD) What? Over a sweatband? Mitchell..theyre not that bad.. Mitchell rolls his eyes. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

Alex comes running up to Claire. ALEX (out of breath but eager to tattle) Hey mom, whatcha think about that man over there with the wedding ring on talking to Hayley? He looks pretty nice, dont you think? Better than Dylan Id have to say. Claire takes off running over to Hayley, Alex is following in behind her looking pleased. CLAIRE (to Hayley) HAYLEY!! GET OVER HERE! JAY (to Phil) Wow look at her go..I didnt really think she had it in her.. PHIL Oh yea, I know she had it... (quietly to himself intrigued) Howd she get them to stop bouncing? JAY (to Phil) What? PHIL (to Jay uncomfortably) Oh! Nothing, I said she is really pouncing...up..on.. the.. others. The whole family is waiting at the finish line. They cant see who is coming over the hill. Here comes Gloria and three others behind her, but she obviously is in the lead. The family is all in disbelief and is cheering her on. Then she crosses the line, first place. GLORIA (ecstatically) Oh my goodness! I did it! I did it!! Without my boobs bouncing too! Now all the peoples at the orphanage can have panties!Im so happy!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40.

CLAIRE (confused) What? PHIL (excited for her and because she said panties) Yay! I think she said something about her panties!!! Claire smacks him. JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW A proud Jay. JAY Okay, did I underestimate her? Yes. I assumed that just because shes beautiful and likes to dress up everyday with her matching high heels and dresses and cant ride a bike to save her life, that there was no way she would of been able to do this. But not only did she finish, she finished first. She made a believer out of me.. GLORIA Never underestimate a Columbian woman..we can set on fire anything we put our mind on. Jay looks at her mystified... JAY Dont you mean....nahh forget it. You sure can honey. Gloria just smiles proudly. EXT. ROAD RACE- LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS We see Gloria gathered around the family with her trophy jumping up and down. Phils tries to jump with her excitedly. Manny is stuck in a bush. JAY (V.O.) More often than not we make assumptions about people. The old adage goes "when you assume you (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

41.

JAY (V.O.) (contd) make an ass out of you and me" We assume certain things about people based on their looks, whether good or bad without really knowing their full potential. Mitchell, holding Lilly, is checking on Cams wound attentively - but then starts to gag a little. JAY (V.O.) Sometimes a simple conversation can snowball out of control because an assumption was made based on fear of not asking or fitting in without realizing you fit in perfectly with the crazy people we call family, the ones who know and love us. We see Luke showing his grandpa, Jay, his shakey weight that hes been doing and his newfound muscles. Claire and Phil are standing there too, still disturbed by the sight. Hayley and Alex walk away as soon as they see it. JAY (V.O.) Of course there may be times when our imaginations get the best of us, especially when it comes to our kids and instead of talking to them in the first place we jump to conclusions. But thats life, its just how it goes. It can get messy sometimes..but hey, theres always the ones you love around to help clean it up. INT. PHIL AND CLAIRES BATHROOM - NIGHT Claire is in their bathroom in her gown trying to squeeze the toothpaste out. Shes rolls it up to try to get the last bit out..and it squirts straight out. She looks at the camera through the mirror then throws it down and turns off the light. END OF ACT THREE TAG

42.

PHIL INTERVIEW Everyones asleep in the house. Phil is on the couch talking to the camera man. PHIL (deep thought) How did she get them to stop bouncing? (to the camera man) Oh well..but man you should of seem them..it was like a magical.. CLAIRE ( O.S.) Phil? You coming to bed honey? Phil stares at the cameraman. PHIL Coming honey! Goodnight brah - I wish you could of seen it.. Phil tries to fist-bump the camera man and hurries off to bed.