LOVE - SICK-rotated

LOVE/SICK sy JOHN CARIANI DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC.Lovesicx. Copyright © 2016, join Caiant All RightsReserved 0 reat mn ed om ited States of America, and ofall counties covered Internarions he Seepage mene eh ofall countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Univer Gepr Comenton, the Berne Convention, snd fal coun wth whee dg fed broadcasting, leven, veo or sound receding all ocher fans mere seesoaic and dghal reproduction, transmission and dnibuion, such a CO, EVD, the Internet, pute aed Rlesning see mio GP LYD, witch Desc lam he Retr ace, Rene Remon ft The sage peroxmance igs throughout the world fe LO op nghout the weed fo LOVEISICK Grcuding fest we: srg i ucconolctacine ‘by DRAMATISTS PLAY SEROICE Pita ren. South,’ New York, NY 10016, No. profesional of ‘epprteional pecan: ef ic Fy ay e gen without obaag ie aay the woken petnion of DRAMATISIS FLAW SERVICE, INS a pty Inguiisconcering al oer igh should be adda £06195 Wa a See 7 Foon New or Ga RH ee fore coe RG ete eae Ath of he hy he Bi pag ofa cont aed Spec hair wect zeta clea your prediction coe fc font stand rycen 7 te Pls Be adviaed that there may be aiional cred th Additonal cris required fn, ll progeas an reset i ra Sach ain wb hed ne te“ Bog ling included in be requis places, pet the terme ofthe ae SPECIAL NOTE ON. RECORDINGS Drama Pay Serv ine nee ose ee ooo tion 27 songs or reordings mentioned In the Pay. Pemigien fo ee ok ‘een, ety eds meno nt i eed pou cen sgtemeat. The pecmisson ofthe copy werd) use cag {oan such we. FOr any songs endl terdings ential fae Pg hor magepens, or ctng may be aad proved pemiton howe atengemens or fecorings in the pub dora may oe sabes ne ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Ic takes so many people to make a play. What follows is alist of good, stnart, kind people who helped me make LOVE/SICK. (Omissions and errors—while inexcusable—are inadvertent.) For helping me bring LOVE/SICK into the world, I wish fo— wholeheartedly—thank... Ibi Janko, Wendy Stetson, Chris Brandjes, Angi Parks, Nicole Alifante, Mike Boreelli, Elizabeth Nicholas Synnott, Chris Edwards, Jack Ctimmings IIT, Barbara Walsh, Susan Lovell, Mari Okuda, ‘Stephanie Klapper, Dee Ann Newkirk, Matla Ratner, Steve Campo, Rob Ruggiero, David Zarko, and Jack Thomas for all they did before ALMOST, MAINE and LOVEISICK became plays. Chris Campbell and everyone at the Barrow Group for helping these plays find their way into the world, and Julie and Dave Walsh and John Lloyd for running through the streers of New York City to sce one of those early Barrow Group Presentations. it Rodgers, Austin Fishbaugh, Courtney Janvrin, Sam Lloyd, Lexie McDonough, Trisha Mills, Carolyn Moe, David Sheehy, Jocy Sousa, Mike Morris, Sara Shwab, and everyone at the Inter national Thespian Society, Eastern Region, at Winnacunnet: High Schoo! in Hampton, NH. Thanks for introducing LOVE/SICK to high school kids. _Jack Heifner, Connie Congdon, Scott Shattuck, Juanita Finken- berg, Jackie Rosenfeld, Benny May, Meaghan Cybulski, Jennifer Simms, Stephen Graham, Lamar Jefferson, Nick Pinelli, Jennifer Suter, Samantha Walker, Erin Whitmire, and everyone at the Festival of New American Plays at Stephen F. Austin State University for the developmental reading, David Ledingham, Donald Sage Mackay, Louis Lotorto, Lyn Aliya, Janice Estey, Obadiah Jones, Zoe Levine, Mike Monroney, Lee Sullivan, Marke Thomas, Jeannie Walla, and everyone at the Festival of New American Plays at che Aspen Fringe Festival for the developmental reading, Dan Burson, Bén Ferber, Rob Cameron, Abbie Killeen, Dustin 3‘Tucker, Tess Van Horn, Todd Backus, Emily Mahaffey, Shannon Stockwell, Fl Wrenn, and everyone at Portland Saige Company's Lite Festival of the Unexpected forthe workshop and staged reading «Dan Burson, Peter Brown, Matt Delameter, Janice O'Rourh and Bess Weldon for the unexpected reading, : _ «Michael Rhodes, Paul Nugent, Anna Ni ; ; Anna Nugent, Andrea Rhodes, Brendan Burke, Larry Lowry, Amy Olson, Jen Skuta, Jill Van Note, Steven Austin Young, and everyone at Tangent Theater Company and AboutFACE Ireland for the NEWvember Festival reading. ‘Mate Graber, Sarah Baucs, Noelle Toland, Danielle Doucet Andy Hyman, Angela Ob, Kristin Lee Kelly, Jason Weiss, justin Alston, and everyone at the Blank ‘Theatre’ Living Room Seties for the staged teading. ---Jim Fagan, Patrick Lynch, Zachary Booth, Pat Buckley, Eddie Carnevale, Carolyn Charpie, Valorte Curt, Hlieabeth wis Adriana DeGirolami, Jerzy Gwiazdowski, Justin Hogan, Jenny Kiclin, Seth Kirschner, Patrick Lynch, Kate White Monts, Jennifer Madge, Anthony Rapp, Sara Thigpen, Sam Underwood, Brian Rillams, Kacy WrighMead, Alex Wyse, Malorie Bryant, Evan Powell, and everyone involve femophilia Associ Ral and everyone involved in the Hemophilia Asecation of -Andy Poll, Dan Winerman, Staey Lynn Gould, Christina Bartell Reuben Barsky, Hugh Buller, Floise Edward Txai Fors, Alia Guiry, ie pat bid O'Brien, Alex Pepperman, Nill Pope, jerome Samonte, and everyone involved in the workshop a Ametican Academy of Dramatic Arts, © workshop asthe «Joe Cacaci, Jim Frangione, Bob Jaffe, Matthew Penn, Lori Bashour, Valeie Bjur Catlson, Dan Winerman, Farah Alvin, JetF BEM, Cindy Cheng, Tor Hithowe, Etyn Damon, DY Gis lise Lockwood, and everyone at the Berkshire Playsrright forchestaged rading eee «_ Skip Greer, Jenni Werner, Becca Poccia, Jenny Ds 3 Jenny Daniels, Mare Cuddy, Donnetra Lavinia Grays, Dave Mason, Kathy McCafferty, Ron Menzel, Meg Richanson, and everyone at Geva forthe staged reading. -Lisa Klages, Brandon Bacorn, Brittany Bonnell, Alexis Gedallovich, Matt Heston, Jenna Kate Karn, Elyse Kohen, Emma Mohrmann, Anthony Papasteat, Zoe Benditt, Sadie Alisa, Jessica Pizzuti, Morgan Taylor, Evan Hawkins, Emily King, Maddie Suvurunsgi, Cory Raynor, Shannen Adamites, Julianne Boyd, Stephanie Yankwitt, Corinne Milles Jeff Roudabush, and everyone at Barrington Stage Company for the Cariani evening ...Gerry Roe, Sarah Brewer, Bridget Baugh, Chis Carapucci, Broderick Comett, Paulina DeGraff Hansen, Alan Eliston, Tessa Fraser, Joe Garcia, Andrew Heaton, Jack Jennaway, Jeff Kuykendall, Sian Laine, Lynn Laubach, Richard Leeds, Taylor Leidheisel, Kassidy Miller, Carl Redman, Dodie Rife, Teresa Sarkela, Gwendolyn Sarter- field, Miranda Wallace, Ryan Wallace, Kaitlyn Welsh, and everyone at Rocky Mountain College for the developmental production. .-Katy Wright Mead, Liza Fernandez, Ryman Sneed, Caroline Kinsolving, Joel Ganz, Don Guillory, Kathleen Chalfant, Blair Bakes, Justin Hagan, Tor Hillhouse, Chris ‘Thorn, Dave Mason, and Pascale Armand for the Royal Family Productions readings. William Allison, Todd Backus, Skye Barkley, Lila Becker, Courtney Bedgood; Jordan Bennett-Barnes, Anna Bernard, Christina Bracken, Brandon Browning, Elizabeth Burroughs, Rochelle Cady, Chris Cares, Michael Castillo, Cecelia Chapman, Molly Chiffer, Blair Cooper, Joe ‘Court, Alanea Cremen, Evan Cullinan, Bryelle Dafeldecker, Bianca Di Carlo, Becca Donald, Nikki Eak, Megan Eckert, Courtney Feiman, Max Plicker, Ashley Flowers, Caitlighn Foley, Ted Gallant, Savada Gilmore, Jared Goldenberg, Lindsay Green, Andrew Harris, ‘Megan Harris, Colin Hart, Ryan Hemsoth, Lauren Henkel, Russell Hill, Chris Hourcle, DeAnna Hughes, Dan Im, Sharjeel Khan, Hyun Sook Kim, Charlotte Knapp, Neal Knapp, Dave Leach, Crystal Liu, Savannah Lobel, Greg Lund, Cait Malloy, Brandon Malott, Mickie Marie, Joc Marra, Caitlin Margolien, Alex Mathis, Jamison Meyer, David Millay, Turner Morehead, Jessica Morrison, Melanie Mortimore, Kimmie Naus, Sven Henry Nelson, Michael (O'Hara, Moita O'Sullivan, Bric Ort, Megan Otteson, Sydney Peter- son, Lauren Pivirotto, Rachel Rogers, Kat Rother, LeAnna Rothwell, Carl Rugato, John Sadler, Megan Santiago, Caroline Scherer, Michael Schmalz, Jackie Sefjo, Kip Shawger, Zach Shore, Kyle Stoffers, Melanie Thomas, Zoe Turi, Andrea VanSwearingen, Alicia Whavers, 5Graham Zellers, and Courtney Ziegler for lending their dime, eae ent, and expertise. 7 Erich Dicenzo and the Fairfax High School case and © helping me believe char highschool kids ean do his play --Kathy Hogg and Aielinn Frantz for proofreading, And special thanks to the dramaturgs or people who acted like drama we ih ene Bacon Set tote ae Goodworth, Andy Hyinan, Benny May, Miles Ordusfa, Erie Ore Becea Poocia, Andrea Redmount, Amy Saltz, Jenni ‘Werner, and Sally ‘Wood. Making plays is impossible without the likes of you Extra special chanks to John for helping me understand love a “iene and hat you catthave one without the other and vo Po and Sheila Cariani and Jeff and Ruth and Iseac and Henry Cariani for always making me feel loved ie tete te LOVEISICK received its world premiere production at Portland Stage Company (Anita Stewart, Artistic Director; Cami Barvantes, Managing Director) in Portland, Maine, opening on March 29, 2013. Ie was directed by Sally Wood; the set design was by Anica Stewart; the costume design was by Kathleen Brown; the lighting design was by Bryon Winn: the sound design was by Chris Fitze; the incidental music was by Julian Fleisher; the production stage manager was Shane Van Veit. The play was comprised of ten shore plays, and the cast was 2s follows Killeen, David Mason Torsten Hillhouse, Patricia Buckley OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE ..... ‘THE SINGING TELEGRAM WHAT? aenrcnneneeeene David Mason, Torsten Hillhouse THE ANSWER vrssosson Abigail Killeen, Torsten Hillhouse UH-OH..... David Mason, Patricia Buckley LUNCH AND DINNER... Abigail Killeen, Torsten Hillhouse CHICKEN . Abigail Killeen, David Mason WHERE WAS P igail Killeen, Patricia Buckley . FORGOT eo id Mason, Patricia Buckley DESTINY Buckley, Torsten Hillhouse LOVEISICK had its first developmental production at High Point University (Ed Simpson, Chait) in High Point, North Carolina, opening on September 30, 2010. Ie was directed by Jay Putnam; the set and lighting designs were by Matthew Emerson; the costume design was by Ami Shupe; the sound design was by Daniel Horney; the production stage manager was Amanda Mayes. The play was ‘comprised of eight short plays, and the cast was as follows: .. Anna-Parsons Charles, Dan Moldovan THE SINGING TELEGRAM .... Maggie Jo Saylor, Daniel Harr THE ANSWER .... Marie Venttone, Nathan Ruffin UHLOH.. Jennifer Arnold, Cody Russell OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE vs. LUNCH AND DINNER «00. Cate Lightburn, Nathan Ruffin CHICKEN w» Maggie Jo Saylor, Cody Russell FORGOT .. Marie Ventrone, Danie! Harr DESTINY ‘Anna-Parsons Charles, Dan Moldovan 7LOVEYSICK had its second developmental production at Ball State Daveesity (William Jenkins, Chat) in Muncie, Indiana, opening on November 1, 2012. It was ditected by Eva Patton; the set design wes by Bri Kuffellthe costume design was by Tyler Phillips, the lighting design was by Adam Kelly; che sound design was by Bryan, Martins the production stage manager was Catie Noll. ‘The play ‘was comprised of ten short plays, and the cast was as follows: OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE....... ‘THE SINGING TELEGRAM WHAT? concen ‘THE ANSWER .. UH-OH . 7 7 LUNCH AND DINNER CHICKEN wens WHERE WAS IP... FORGOT .... : DESTINY Cole Abell, Nancy Hale Katie Stofho, Edric Mitchell sens Jon Whitney, Brad Root - Bradford Reilly, Kara Schoenhofer ~ Amber Price, Jack McFarlane Macie Tonn, Jon Whitney --Brad Root, Cynthia Nesbit vv Sarah Paradise, Kara Schoenhofer svmnnneanon Cole Abell, Katie Seoflo Bradford Reilly, Macie Ton LOVEISICK received a professional developmental production at Shadowland Theatre (Brendan Burke, Artistic Direcod in Ellenville, New York: opening on June 21, 2013. Ie was directed by John Cariani and Brendan Burke; the set design was by Drew Francis the fostunte design was by Holly Budd; th lighting design was by Chis Fillenbecks the sound design was by Jeff Knapp; the incidental ausic was by Jalian Fleisher; the production stage manager was Brittney Green. The play was comprised of en short play, and the cast was as follows: OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE Katie Hartke, David Mason THE SINGING TELEGRAM .. Daniel Robert Sullivan, Kathy McCafferty Daniel Robert Sullivan, David Mason - Katie Hartke, Daniel Robert Sullivan Kathy McCafferty, David Mason + Daniel Robert Sullivan, Katie Hartke swe Katie Hartke, David Mason - David Mason, Kathy McCafferty WHAT® : THE ANSWER . UELOH...... pe LUNCH AND DINNER CHICKEN, FORGOT, 8 . Katie Hartke, Kathy McCafferty Kathy McCafferty, Daniel Robert Sullivan 1K recived a professional developmental production at be hhc thee {(Chistopher Schario, Exccutive/Artistic Director; Janee Mirchko, Co-Artstic Director) in Lewiston, Maine, opening ‘on October 1, 2013. Ie was directed by Christopher Scharios the set design was by Dan Bilodeaus the costume design was by Hannah J. Bees th ing design way Bat Garey thesound dg va by Lay rns he prodaton tgs manag vas Lis Bran. The play was comprised of ten short plays, and the cast was as follows: er Dill OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE ne iam Peden, Heather Dilly THE SINGING TELEGRAM ... Sarah Corey, Torsten Hillhouse WHAT? William Peden, Torsten Hillhouse THE ANSWER .» Heather Dilly, William Peden UH-OH . snows Sarah Corey, Torsten Hillhouse LUNCH AND DINNER........ Heather Dilly, Torsten Hillhouse * CHICKEN Sarah Corey, William Peden RE WAS I... Heather Dilly, Sara Corey FORGOT : .... William Peden, leather Dilly DESTINY aanree Sarah Corey, Torsten Hillhouse VEISICK received a professional developmental production at Half Moon Theate Company (Molly Katz, Executive Direcor; Kristy Grimes, Managing Director; Patty Wineapple, Produces) in Poughkeepsie, New York, opening on November 1, 2013. Ie was directed by Christopher V. Edwards; the set design and props were by ‘Aaron Ethan Green; the costume design was by Charlorte Palmer; the lighting design was by Jared H. Goldstein; tie sound design was by Jeff Knapp; the production stage manager was Michael Cosi. The play was comprised of ten short plays, and the cast was a follows: . Jennifer Skura, Jack Corcoran .» Jack Corcoran, Shona Tucker .- Jack Corcoran, Greg Skura .. Jennifer Skura, Greg Skura ‘Amy Lemon, Steven Patterson OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE ..... THE SINGING TELEGRAMLUNCH AND DINNER Jennifer Skura, Jack Corcoran CHICKEN ., : Shona Tucker, Greg Sleura WHERE WAST? Amy Lemon, Shona Tucker FORGOT, Steven Patterson, Amy Lemon DESTINY ‘Shona Tucker, Steven Patterson KOVEISICK received a profesional developmental production at ‘Theater Works Hartford (Rob Ruggiero, Artistic Ditseton, Nicole TaFlair Nieves, General Manager) in Hartford, Connecticut opening on May 29, 2014. It was directed by Amy Saltz; the see abt Was by Michael Schweickhardt the costume design was by Harty Nada the lighting design was by Mary Jo Dondlinger the sound design was by Fitz Patton; the production stage manages Wa faite Gudworth. The play was comprised often short plays, and che cast was as follows: OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE wnun Laura Woodward Bruch Reed ‘THE SINGING TELEGR: ~ Chris Thom, Pascale Armand WHAT?» ...., =» Chris Thorn, Bruch Reed ‘THE ANSWER Laura Woodward, Chris Thorn UH-OH Pascale Armand, Bruch Reed LUNCH AND DINNER Laura Woodward, Bruch Reed CHICKEN ester Pascale Armand, Bruch Reed FORGOT ~-» Chris Thom, Laura Woodward WHERE W/ Laura Woodward, Pascale Armand DESTINY Laura Woodward, Chris Thorn LOVEISICK was given 2 profesional developmencal production by Royal Family Productions (Christine Henty, Arcstic Director) Ths Reval Family Performing Arts Space (Evan Storey and Any icodorou, Producer) in New York City. Ir was directed by Chee Henry; the movement direction was by JoAnn M. Hunter the cer design was by Shannon Rednour; the costume design was by Lee Faac; the lighting design was by Lucrecia Bricenos the sound design [ashy Danny Erber; the incidental music was by Barton Kacbier {its Jacobsen, and Chris Henry the production stage manager wag Adrian Peta. ‘The play was in its current form, and the eet wan as follows: Debargo Sanyal MAN, BEN, BILL, KEVIN .... Pe Sanya WOMAN, CELIA, KELLY, JILL, LIZ, EMILY SINGING TELEGRAM MAN, - ANDY, KEITH, MARK, JAKE ., Justin Hagan and Jot Caan LOUISE, SARAH, ABBIE sss Simone Hanson SUPERCENTER DANCERS 1. Jenn Aédo, Rachel Geisler, Stephanie Israelson, Jolina Javier, Schuyler Midgere ved a professional developmental production at 1 eens Siar rt ing Director; Ann Shankman, President) in Pleasanille, New Yor ping on Scpenbe 25, 2015. It was directed by Stephanie Kovacs Cohen; the set design and props wete by Ann Shanleman; the costume design was by Libby Brennescholtz the lighting desig was by Adam Caen te sound design wa by Sephanie Kovacs Cohen the production stage manager was Emily C. Rolston. ‘The play was in its current form, and the cast was as follows: Collin Smith MAN, ANDY, BILL, MARK ..... Coll WOMAN, CELIA, KELLY, JILL, ABBIE . w» Katie Hartke SINGING TELEGRAM MAN, eee! BEN, KEITH, KEVIN, JAKE... agit LOUISE, SARAH, LIZ, EMILY s.onenne Caroline KinsolvingTHE PLays LOVBISICK isa one-act, nine-pl loss~ ue one-act, nine-play cycle about love and loss-—bur wostly loss Bach play has its own arc and tells the son ie ae c , ‘ofa. le 3 @ costroads in ther relationship, Since each relationship is mors acanced than the previous relationship, a larger are emg ad “The plays: L “Obseaive Impulsive” “The Sing ” 3. whan 8 ice 4. “The Answer” 5. Uh-Oh” 6. “Lunch and Dinnee* 7. “Forgor” 8. “Where Was 1?" 9. “Destiny” TOVBISICK works best as an 85-minute itermissionless event IF ission is desi i “Ub OR sion is desired, please take i after the fifth play, CHARACTERS 1. Onsssive IMPULSIVE A WOMAN and a MAN who fall in love at first sight. 2, The SINGING TetEGRAM ASINGING TELEGRAM MAN who delivers a singing telegram to an enthusiastic woman, LOUISE OVERBEI 3. Weare BEN, a guy who is sunprised that he has fallen in love, and ANDY, the sweet guy he has fallen in love with. . 4, Tne Answer KEITH and CELIA, 2 groom and bride. 5. Un-On ‘SARAH, a woman with questions, and BILL, her content husband of a year and a half 6. Lunes ap Diner KELLY and MARK, a successful couple, married for seven years. 7. Forcor JILL, a woman who wanes more than she has, and KEVIN, her hhusband of nine years, who is happy with what he has, 8, Warne Was I? ABBIE, a hard-working stay-at-home mom, and LIZ, her hard- working wife. 9. Disriny JAKE, a recently divorced man, and EMILY, a recently divorced woman,CHARACTER BREAKDOWN LOVEISICK isa play for fur actors (2M, Ir actors i, 2). cast of four, al actor should be ia thee Safer dde WBA eof ou, blvingroles in the fis few pays can be in thet Os and ely 30s the play progresses, the characters become me more worldly, so in the later plays should be late 30s and cr ely 0 actors case in the lae play in cet 3 id could be in their 40s and— ‘The cast should reftect aaa * the incteasing diversity in America and its TIME 7:30 P.M. on a Friday night in June, PLACE An alternate suburban reality. NOTES FOR ACTORS, DIRECTORS, AND READERS (Uf you are involved in a production of LOVEISICK, please see the additional notes at the back of this volume.) E Scott Fitzgerald wrote, “The sentimental person thinks things ~wil lasc—the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't. [am a romantic. And so are the characters in LOVE/SICK. “They are desperately confident that things are going to go bad. But they fight like heck to make sure that they don LOVEISICK is 2 romantic play. Ic is not a sentimental play. LOVEJSICK is full oFhighs and lows. Play chem fully. Soar. Crash. Repeat. LOVEISICK isa realistically absurd play. Play tc for real. Bven though it’ absurd. LOVEISICK is a very funny tragedy. Make sure ies very funny. And very sad. Notes on Punctuation: You will sce some unusual punccuation in the text. > at the end of @ line means keep talking—don't wait for the other actor's line, 1 inside an actors line isa signal to the next speaker that sthe should stare speaking his/her next line. ‘A dash (—) ar the end of a speech means that the next speaker cuts off the current speaker. ‘An ellipsis (...) at the end of 2 speech means that the character speaking trails off into thought, The next speaker should not interrupt, but should respond to the trailing off. ‘Commas after end punctuation are to encourage pace. ‘Texe in brackets [] is not to be spoken—it is there for information. “The stage direction (Receives and processes.) means just that. es not a full beat, buc a sorting through of whar’s going on or ‘whar's just been said. 15LOVE/SICK OBSESSIVE IMPULSIVE 185 7:30 on a Friday night in late June in an alternate suburban reality, Lights up on the SuperCenter. * A Man and a Woman push shopping carts through the SuperCenter consulting shopping ‘ists. This may seem pathetic (it is a Friday night, after all, but places like Walmart and Costco are the places where people sare most likly t0 (almost) find love in over 20 states.** In a flash, the Man and the Weman catch sight of each other, gasp (because thay take eachother: breath away), ras to eachother and. from out of nowhere, kiss —a big, lng, sloppy, pasiomate— cat least eight seconds!—kiss, They finally break, horrifed by what they have just done. MAN and WOMAN, (Jn unison, to each other. [Note: This must be simultaneous and rapid-fire. Actors: In these unison sequences, youre speaking and listening and reponding—all at the same time. Make sure that while you speak, you are ako listening and responding to each (questionIstatement. You're taking in the same exact information youre Providing—at the exact same time) Oh, my goshi! Lam s0 sozty!— No, its not you!— I know that's not an appropriate thing for a person to do, and I can tovally explain why'l jusc did that: You see, Ym obsessive impulsive, and— (Each receives and processes what the other just said and then asks) WAAT2: (Each quickly receives and processes the question and then answers.) Yom obsessive impulsive! (Each quickly reeves and proceses this extraordinary information— that someone else in the world might actually be obsesive impultive!— * The SupesCemari thes Warne or aT 6 Cone, + bp. lfowingdete sm 201510222Inap af emilee connetiond 7and then responds.) No you'te not! I's an extremely rare disorder!, Fou cai posibly be obsesive impulsive! Each guichiy esr oe) ‘Process ths information and then responds) Welland (Bach quickly ‘ecvives and pracesses this response and then asks) You are (Each apcely reeves and procenes this quetion and then anon) Pog (Bach quickly receives and proceses this anaver and thon bonestly and arledy asks) Are you sute? Each quickly reeves amd proce shy Aictin and then answer.) YESY (Each quickly receives and prceon this answer and then responds.) Not Ne-no-no, youre probably mistaking it with being obsessive compulsive. (Bach quickly receives and process; then, incredulous and exited.) What?—No! Tm noe {mistaking ic with being obsessive compulsively, Pm noe {mistaking i wth being obsessive compulsive! Tin obsessive dmpuleng Te ‘obsessive immpulsi WOMAN, Tve been diagnosed!!! MAN. Me, tool! WOMAN. Clinically MAN. Me, too! WOMAN. ‘And that’ why I just did whae [just middle of !/ the SuperCenter! MAN. Yeah, and why I just did what [ just did, I’m obsessive impulsive too! WOMAN. Have you been diagnosed?!? MAN. Yesit WOMAN, Clinically? MAN. Yesll (They kiss—big, lng kiss—at lea five seconds They break.) MAN and WOMAN, (In uniton; thie breathlen,) Poe sorry. Its just thar (Quick earth-shatteris discouery) —I chink I've fallen in sans wth you at frst sight! (Jo) For cel Yeahlt Me too WOMAN, And I keep wanting to kiss you! > . Me, tool NVOMAN. And Tim jus ating on that impulse! > MAN. Yest OMAN. (Brushing eens.) And thats something fin nor supposed todo. » ‘MAN. Yeah, I know, I know! WOMAN. As an obsessive impulsive ‘igainst tha, acting on impube like thar MAN, U know me too, yeah! Ther’ alot of suf tha, san obsessive impulsive person, that youve gotta guatd against doing—acting on, s ro you in the Person, I have 0 guard 18 MAN and WOMAN, and filling in love— OMAN. Yeah! : MAN and WOMAN. —especially at first sight— eee WOMAN. —yeah—is one of those things, because of quences,» MAN. Yeah! i We MAN, you have to weigh the consequences, // and- a Tate ata ey diagnosed obsessive impulsive, Tm somehow lacking that capacity to discern corisequences. MAN an! WOMAN Un nto, (Ne: What filly is recitation of ese oof rant fr te dork ends pres 0 no ctr onthe improves The cing Be As, “T could get better!"]) But one Laat irene treatable through proper diet and exercise, therapy and counseling, eieaue and having a loved one watch over you every single MAN de where his WOMAN. (Indicating where brother is) ny brother's over ber ster is.) ray siscee’s over in in automotive. : home improvement or MAN WOMAN, (In unison; ame fow. You vets dt yout (Tbe his pun wldetlen aon iste WOMEN. (Destine wo horrified and extremely apologetic.) rn sorry! MAN. Yeah, me // toa. WOMAN, ‘That was a lapse, // aa MAN. don't have to explain! WOMAN loos ‘are gonna happen with me, because my OLR MAN. Obsevelpule Rai! know, You dst have to spell icout for me, I understand! ; WOMAN Wale high, so what keeps happening [all ehis kissing|—is gonna keep happening, ‘cause I've only been in treatment for three years // and— . eee MAN, Well, that’s nota real long time! ve only been info and my OIR isn’t exactly lox WOMAN. Well, what is it MAN. One to thirty-three.” + Ths he weitenon vein of hee 138 19WOMAN. (Vary fo i ofone co vin pret You have an Obssiv np MAN. (4 litte proud) Yeah, WOMAN. That's amazing! > MAN, ‘Thanks. MAN. Wow, So for every thirty-three thi of dy that you just. do, yo only eee ae de ones, duc lary co the diet and cece Sei erase medication, and my brother. WOMAN, But Yo know, T used to be a one to one MAN. Yup. WOMAN. Me, too! MAN, Really? MAN. Yeah! I did everything Ith MAN, Youd shina thing, youd doe en WON ee inka thing yout doe MAN. Exhausting, isnt i? WOMAN, You have no idea MAN. [think I do! WOMAN. Oh! You do! MAN, Because I understand! WOMAN. You understand! MAN. Tundescand and WOMAN. (ln unison.) You understand! stand Qunping up and down andjayfdly prong en eer ‘SHELHE UNDERSTANDS Bt Noted ee) Ime because no onc ever has before! Who are yond? i come frome? oy ‘ARE! AWESOME (pis ous a rm t0 the flor and all over each otber--tuelve ooo 7 break. Frozen, horrified ital beat.) Oh IT sorry! ie 1p colle theme get shes wean or (Thy MAN. Sorry! Sorry. WOMAN. Sorry abor li . (Sherpa heron, ow hat (Relief) I don think anyone saw Yeah, we're clear! WOMAN. Oh-my-gosh! > MAN. What? WOMAN. I think my sister saw me!—TI have to go! (She starts to ) MAN. No-no-no, I dont go! WOMAN. No—she only lets me come to che SuperCenter on Friday nights when it seems like I'm gesting better, and this is not better— (She realizes that her sister didn’ see!) Wait—wait-vrai MAN. What? WOMAN. She’...going into cleironics!! MAN. Oh! WOMAN. She didn't set : MAN. All right! So stay! WOMAN. All right! (She suddenly kisses the Man quickly.) Sorry! MAN. No! [Dont be!] (He kises the Woman—and the kiss almost ‘becomes tender. He suddenly breaks away.) T'm so sorty I keep doing that! WOMAN. No it's met I's met My OIR is only one to thirteen— you're the one at one to thirty-three! // Ies me! MAN. Hey-hey-hey! Don't compare! You've only been in treatment less than half as long as me—you'te doin’ great. This is just a rough patch! WOMAN. I don't know— MAN. Check this out: There's a guy who's been in treatment for thirteen years—nor even twice a long as me-—and he has an OIR of ‘one to one billion two hundred and seven million nine hundred and nineteen thousand six hundred and forty-six. WOMAN. (In awe.) Realy. MAN. Yeah. WOMAN. So he’...normal. MAN, Yeah. He doesn't do anything anymore. WOMAN. Wow. MAN. Yeah. So let him inspire you. Stick to the program. Its really good. Ie really helped me gee my life cogether. (Ele suddenly hises the Woman; he breaks away, upset.) Argh—even though right now it feels like everything's falling apare. > WOMAN. I know!— MAN. (Honest and true.) Because 1 really do think [ fll in love with you the second I savy you! WOMAN. Me,.too. (She kisses the Man quick.) And, since then, I aiFive" wanted to do anything except kiss your whole face! ‘That's the only impulse I've had! IN. Me; too. (He kisses the Woman quick) WOMAN. Bur that's bad, MOAN, eth. (Zhe ks each other quick.) Bu it doesn fel bad. OMAN. No! (She hises the Man quick.) MAN. In fact, it feels good. MQMAN. Yeah. (The Man kiss the Woman quick, ‘ven chough I swear: I have fallen in love with ‘you! WOMAN. (Advancing:) Me woo, yeaht (Stopping herself) Bus, you Know what? The program makes a relly good reine probably dori really love each other, because we ant thiek through. » MAN. Righe, sight, yeah, MOMAN: ‘And ‘think that's pare of being in love-is under. Standing what comes after the frstsight pert MAN. Right, yeah. WOMAN, So we're MAN. No. WOMAN. I mean, (Advancing ) can see myself spending the rest of my life with you! (Advancing) Ob, me too, ylleah!! MOMAN.. (Thuarting the Man last advance with) But Tm not really qualified to, Its probably a delusion, MAN, Yeah-yeah. Me n/jeither WOMAN, Tin juse better off alone, MAN. Yeah, me, too. WOMAN. So I don't hurt anyone, MAN, Yeah. (Litle beat.) So, 1 guess that UI should go]—probably the best—the healthiest > WOMAN, Oh, yes. MAN. #thing for me to do right now is to Just...go, WOMAN. Yes. Yes, ‘Me, too, Absolutely, MAN, Yes. So: Very nice to meet you. » WOMAN, You, too. MAN. And goodbye, probably not really in love, MAN and WOMAN. (The Mar end te Woman sisson aa fom ether and et een oposite imi uta stop and turn back to each other, ting out, Foe oan) Terese tk bee stunned people. “hat tok a lot out of thems) Ohh ‘WOMAN. . sorry! MAN. Yeah, // me, too... ‘WOMAN. I'm sure I didn’t mean that! fe neither! . . OMAN! ‘Saying something lile that can be very misleading. MAN. Yeah! N. One of those lapses! : i MAN, Yes (ig a eee ace aie ores an 7 ‘ whie Woman. He thinks...and offers his hana Feed de Wooces ben ad he ke at hate) ‘Nice to meet you, (They start to go. Sadnes,) MAN and WOMAN. (Selden sdyping ad turning back to each eter nano) ey (Sah he cba te ater a3) yen twee do you want to say?] Oh [I was just chinkng dat inte ws dhoak jt make a ofthis hig wee for ach ce gfe though wet not loved to] nothin.Jus-—..you getter, Yeah You oo Lin at) By (Ty per pet oy the lights fade. Existential space vacuum sonndimasiclransii rove on to...) ud ects: este notes on "Obese Ip” on page 2 23LOUISE, (From off) Ob, my gosh! i f) Ohy my gosh! Gary! You're carly! (Louise Onerbes—ebulient open pasionatadroen usr ae Sere cembling t get beref together More knocking) Weld Siehoh on, obs sweetie I thought you said be ready a hide afer sige feet bag More knocking Mx corsa, Ym comie, opens the door. The person at the door, a man drenat wp ft (Seon the dan, Th ‘muan dressed in fils *eing-telegram regalia, is not who she expected.) Oh urn fl SINGING TELEGRAM MAN (STM). (C 7 telegram for Miss Louise Owes ® (Cry Rel Singing LOUISE. (Receives and proces.) 'm sorey—what? STM. Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overbext EOUISE. Wh—2 Singing telegram? LOUISE year Miss Louise Overbee, are you Louise Overbec? STM. Okzy, good. Singi is } good. Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overbee! LOUISE. Ate you [erous}—? Seriouy? Me Overboe! . I didete know EQUISE. I did know they had those anymore, STM. Oh—they dot LOUISE. Really2!? STM. Yap. LOUISE. Okay, um. ..well, 11 singing , can I sec some credentials? (He presents some sort of ID,) STM. Oh—yeah—sorry-— LOUISE. The SuperCercer? STM, Yeah— LOUISE. You wor STM. Yeah, Pu work out of the SuperCenter? its new service they're providing. They have a kioske 24 LOUISE, Oh, Okay. Well...um... [This is weird.] Who's i from? STM. Huh? LOUISE. My singing telegram: Who's it from? STM. Oh, Um—sorey—this is my first day—um... (He checks.) Gary. LOUISE, (Super happy and excited.) Gary! STM. (Confiwed) Yeah... LOUISE. Really? STM. Yeah... LOUISE. Well. “What is he up co? STM, Um, [// dot't know. LOUISE. This is so neato! STM. Yeah, um, can T ask you somethin? real quick? Who is. Gary? LOUISE. Oh! He’ my guy! STM. He your guy|—2? LOUISE. I think we're gonna get married! > STM. Oh! LOUISE. And honestly—chac something that T just thought ‘wasn’: gonna happen for me, and now— (JOY!) —aaaaah! STM. Well, congratulations, um— LOUISE, ‘Thank! I'm lucky. He's pretty great. T mean—gee this: ‘Tonight—hes raking me dancing! Isn't that neat??? For a guy to take 2 girl dancing on a Friday night, in this day and age?? STM. Yifeaht! LOUISE. Yeah! He's always doing seu like that, «lways surprising ‘me, and God, this takes the cakell I mean, a singing telegram? So retro ‘STM. Yeah! LOUISE. And so fiat So, how do we do thig?, I guess just come on in, alfnd... STM. (Not wanting to come in and sing what he has to sing.) Oh— LOUISE, Where’ good? STM. You know what? I don't want to intrude, so— LOUISE. You're nor intcuding! STM. No, [dont think— LOUISE. "You're not! Now get ist here and sing me my singing telegram, Singing Telegram Man! (Overjoyed.) What's he—2 What is he doing?, 25STM. Well— LOUISE. (Insistent.) Get in here!! STM. Ofay. He relictanty enters) LOUISE. God! This is so FUN I mean, what is he ‘up tol? STM. Um...'m not sure, i LOUISE, (Gisps—buge revelation.) Ohl Oh-mny-God! Waid! Oke my-Godl I think I might know what hes been thinking that he might do sornethi Is he proposing wo me? > STM. Um... LOUISE, Is cha whats happening tight now? > STM. Well— eee LOUISE. Aanaah! Oh, my God! He’ proposing, isnt hell» STM. Well Hs ind LOUISE. Oh-my-Godtt Oh-my-God-oh-my-God-oh-my-God! Asaasaabll, Oh-my-God! (Bear. Singing Teagan Mon i kind of Lon, Lanse is overjoyed and fll ofamicipaion) Wel, dor juste nd there! Go ahead! Sing! Sing!! Oh-mycGod! This is so crazy! STM. Yeah. (Beat. He isa bit frozen.) LOUISE. Wha STM. Nothin’. LOUISE. Are you okay? STM. Yeah, LOUISE elk then, let’ go. Sing! (The Singing Telegram Man dees peihing) Come on! Sing me my singing telegram, Sineng Tex Mere ¥ singing telegram, Singing Telegram STM. Leant. LOUISE. What? STM. I can’: do this LOUISE. You can't do what? LOM mun ip vith an excelent 0 get bimwelfout of i) Sing! LOUISE, What? a eter STM, Ucant sing, LOUISE. You cant sing? » STM. Nope! LOUISE, Of course you can sin STM. No. Tcan'. 1's wrong? '& Youre a singing telegram man! LQUISE. Well—how in the world did you get to be a singing telegram man if you can't sing? > STM. Um— LOUISE. How did you get this job if you can't sing?!? STM. Um, well— sates LOUISE, I mean, didn't you have to audition? SIM. Now 7. Now SEM: Noy esse [gues thee just ar shortage I/ of us— LOUISE. ‘There's a shortage??? ; fr STM. Yeah, there’ a shortage of singing telegram men LOUISE, Theresa shortage of singing telegram men right // nowt? STM. Yeah, and I guess they just liked me and thought T was pretty charming // and that— YUISE, Really, : SEM. ethan tha Thad of cha, ano, shin they had the confidence that I could pull it off. LOUISE, Really. STM. Yeah, // but— LOUISE. Well then, pull it off. STM. Huh? LOUISE. Pull it off. STM. But can't sing, ot LOUISE. ‘Tough! IPs your job, so do yout job! STM. Bur l— ; LOUISE. Do your job, Singing Telegram Man! STM. (Fear) Bur— eee LOUISE. (She' fierce—and loses it a litele,) DO IT! Im excited about this! This could be big for me! STM. All right, Miss Overbec. LOUISE. ‘Thank you! STM. Um.. ‘Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overbee from Gary. (Hees bert ler and prepares toting). | LOUISE. (Ail starry.) Gary. He is somethin’ else, isn’t 1? : ve STM. Yup. Heis. Lise beat.) Well, here goes. (He sings “No Lie, And be sings it very well) ‘We met and BAM! You said I was the one, We have good times. ‘We have way too much fun. Song Tele on puge 13. 7 Soe neemAnd now ies time For me to tell you, Somethin’ strcight from my heart, Somethin’ chav’ true, | Now I don't want you to misconstrue, So listen close cus this is the truth, Just like that old song says: Twant you, I need you, But I aint ever gonna love you, Louise. Dont you dare go gettin’ down on yout knees gotta set myself fre, Its no lie, Pm sorry if | am makin’ you cry. I never loved you, although tried. I gotta be true to me. know you thought You found a love that would last. Tknow your heart [s probably smashed But I cart live ‘This lie anymore, Ineed ro go my own my oven way, Tl show myself the door. Just like chat old song says: Twant you, Ineed you, but | ainit ever gonna love you, Louise. Dont you dare go gettin’ down on your knees 1 gotta be trae to me, 165 no lie Tm sorey if{ am makin’ you ery, Tnever loved you, although I tried. gotta set us both free, (Lone, long beat: Toe aufibaes of what just happened washer over [tie She is devastated and struggles 10 hold is tgerher) SQUISE, [thought you said you couldn’ sing STM. Yeah, well— LOUISE. You sing very well, 28 STM. Yeah. I can sing fine. I just didn’t want to sing shat t0 you, [EiSE, Wow This. Uh ured auf ofall continues scend upon her. Long beat,) SNE One have ante appoint thas Ihave tg (He starts leave. He ps) Hest. sy ana you ‘s how to do chat, (He leaves. mpc my perma Hee info a din le or an information card octubre ad str fouise. (Stopping 7 Singing Blam seu That ite asthe sorts through whut just happenes do this ty would see th Wha ond oho persont,.does this— Stet fy i hi be with. (Litele ¢ kind of person I don't think you want to be wit ben Timsa som. (Lite beat) Goodbye, Miss vee. (le rt to go. but stops and turns to Louis. udp aging a t exit, The lights fade on sad and perplexed Lowive—and ing ‘Telegram Man just outside her door. Existential space vacuum sour musicltransition, And we move on to...) 29WHAT i 183 7330 on the same Friday night in the same alt he same alternate suburban reality Lighs upon Ben, sanding athe freon, | of ¢ modes home, He locks grea. He hooks on Wa a on isexited and alte nerves Beat He knacs ogni Aer | moment, Andy answers f i BEN. Hey! ANDY. (Surprises ley ‘what's ic Fant eee) yt Ui, what? ie bat ofeafision) BEN. Yeah— ANDY. I thought we were on for tomorrow night BEN. Yooh, we were, but...I couldnt waite ee ANDY. Oh— BEN. So I thought Id sury ris > ANDY. Okay nae BEN. Surprise! ANDY van So. vatewe doin’ something tonight, then? ANDY. Oh He do some things with ou onighe > BEN. Anc 1orr Light, as BEN. ind tomorrow night, and everynight afer tha, For states, ANDY. Ulf = Andy quickly steps ouside and elses the door fide) tote whatever tranpires must transpire onside nor BEN. (Classy innuendo.) "cause some of the th i ) "cause some of the things I woul to do with you should probably be done inside. | "OM bade eas (lsy inmunede,) Okay, okay, well, Ben,..1 “f you, I cant...do those kinds of thi Yet. Lave to, things slow, I // told you— Berrien BEN, I know, and I have totally respected that, but...this is juse rer a month now, and I haven't ‘even been inside ANDY. Yeah, /! yest BEN. Good!, Cause I am! And, well...I just think you're great, ‘Andy. ANDY, I think // you're great, too... BEN. You're different, and sweet, and not. ..messed up. ANDY. Well— BEN. You're actually decidedly un-messed up. ANDY. Well, I put up a good front. BEN. But—I feel like..,we haven't rcally moved forward since we met. We're not getting anywhere, And I want to get somewhere. ‘With you, Because... (He has something big to say bur vruggles to say it) Argh!—I canttbelieve—... God!—thisis erazy—I never thought Td be this guy, but... (He struggles to find the words,) ANDY. Are you okay? BEN. Yeah— (A happy struggle.) —argh, Andy, listen: Nobody's ‘more surprised by this than Tam, but... (Bem can't quite say what se says next directly to Andy, so he says i without making eye contact swith him. He probably says it to Andy knees or tothe groustd—which imi odd, actually, because the most important things we say are often said without making eye contact.) love you. (Beat. No response from Andy, Fes just smiling. Ben reengages with Andy’ eyes, expecting the best) Andy? ANDY. What? BEN. (Again not making eye contact, and gathering the courage to say) love you, Andy. ANDY, What? : mais BEN. (Reengaging with Andy’ eyes; maybe a little irke iy! ANDY, Wha dt hear you (He really dida'.) BEN, (This is weind.) Oh, Okay. Okay. Well. mean, again, Txnow this might be a litle soon, but... (Again—not making eye contact.) think I love you. ANDY, What? BEN. (Irked and hurt.) Andy. Stop it. Come on, cut it out! (Little eat. Then:) ANDY/BEN. (Simultaneous realizations.) Oh, God! Oh, God! ANDY. (To himself) Tell me this isnt h//appening! BEN. You know what? This was a mistake! ANDY. What was ¢ mistake? BEN. Forget I said anything. ANDY. What did you say?!? 31Danie obviously, that was way too soon, wasn i 1 | Daramit! > ANDY. What was too soon? BEN. (He is leaving.) Stupid! Scapid-stupid-seupid, > ANDY. (Nor wanting Ben to go.) Ben—no-no rol BEN. (He comes righ back) Bus, you know what, Noll 'm not me ggana dts not stupid, and I dont care ifyoure gettin’ all guy on | Trapt because Idol, gun, auoiding ee contact sayings a Ards knees or to she ground.) love you, Mlady, and if, ANDY. Dees not bear the love you" par of what Ben said) Aaah, Te happened again! // You do what? BEN. What happened again?? i ANDY. Ben: I didn hear all of what you just ai, so you have to say it again— BEN. What’!? Andy, // come on— ANDY. Ben: Juse say whar you said again! HEN. Nol And why would I wane to, Ic hasnt really worked out the way I planned! ANDY, Because I think J know what you suid and I wanna make sure you sad it, > BEN. Andy— : BON nd Litt ned you to sy it again So ust sy i again, please BEN. Andy— ANDY. PLEASE! BEN. All right, ANDY. And look at me when you do! BEN. [Thisis weird, but. Allright. (Little beat. Then, making ee contact with Andy, he says) Love you. Ban Ceriwhelned happily.) Oh-rny-God! Really? BEN. Yeah. So...you heard me? ANDY. No—t read your lips, BEN. What? ANDY. (Overwhelmed —be cant breathe) Oh-mny-God! BEN. What’ goin’ on? Are you okay? ANDY. “Yeah-yeah-—oh, God, Ben-—t'm sory—t'm so sorry, bu—um... BEN. What? ANDY, There this thing about me that might male you think a patiently about the me-not-being-messed-up thing, BEN. T think I've already stared thinking diferent sbout the 32 t-being-messed-up thing. wor. Soe Tm Serious, God, T should have told you this aes Une T have this thing —have you ever heard of hysterical blindness? IN. No. ONDY Well, it’s like fart he don’t know what that's like. 7 ANDY. Wal-thy eal ieconercn dsorder nov, and. basically x happens i...whenever | undergo emotional sues, that ses sans isl phil and gesconvee ino physical pose for symptom, and what you just said there, a stcond ago—that caused me stress, and so my heating went. BEN. ‘That caused you stress, > IDY. Yeah— BEN. What sid cased you res? > ANDY. Yeah— et 1. Jim the one who sai 7 ANDY. hye Teno but art pertingit. That was jus fist. And Ucant do fast I can only co. .slow. Or...incrementa. BEN. Incre//mental? ANDY. Incemenal steps owas jy yeah but BEN. Incremental steps // towards joy? {What are you talking anor feat Joya, bur what you dit sed—she a econ ‘ago just...launched me headlong into it, and am not really capak of handiing that. BEN. Are you svioue eer Y, Yeah, I cant be da BEN, ‘Becca and process) What —daae\ led? 7 ANDY. Yeah. My body shuts down when it dazaled. And, you. dazzle me. 1 BEN. I {dazzle you]—? 7 areas ANDY. ‘Ies actually happened before with you The fe cme 1 met you I couldn't actually sce you because you're so hank ae ‘Anyi usually minor when it hapens and Te ben able 0 nage it...but what you just sai is major, and I dont know ifm ton beable to manage sha beeaues Leow fom copeiene What ill do to me— : a BEN, “Wait-wait-whou—slow down: (Lite beat) Why does th happen? 33ANDY. Protection. BEN. From what? ANDY. From good stuff—like you. BEN. What do you need protection from me for I would never hurt you! ANDY. Because I feel things for you, and-— BEN. Thar’ good! ANDY. Yeah, but nol, No! Tes noe! Because..che fst time Lever {El in love anal fetal ehe things I'm feling foryou tight now \ piel learned pretry quickly that a lot of people. “were gonna be very disappointed and angry about thor feelings, and that hur so bad cha che next guy I [fell in love with and Eleaf hese feelings for...well, my body jus started shutting stuff down. Sot collapsed thac first time—T had to go to the hospital—and since then. ve just avoided anything lke what we have..and, nese well: Here we are. BEN. Yeah. Here we are. ANDY. Yeah. And there's no treatment except to take things as slow FippRsible which you have done very well, but—argh eho amv Klding?, (Getting upset) ‘This is gonna be imposiblel, You dent ised this in your life, Which is maybe why we should just end shi all tonight, right now, > BEN. What?! No— ANDY. save us both some trouble, so if you wanna walk away right now, no hard feelings, I get it BEN. Whoa—whoa-whoa, I don’t wanna walle away. ANDY. Well, whats—20 What do you wanna de®, Whae do we BEN. We figure this out, ‘Cause [love you, Andy, // and-— ANDY, Huh? BEN, (Looking right at Andy) love you! ANDY. Oh, yeah, // right. BEN. Yeah, and I fect like—what you're saying—is that all che feclings yout feling...well, fel lke that means that you fel the same way? ANDY. Oh, Ido, Ben!, // Idol > BEN. Well, good!, Then ler’ [Figure this out)— ANDY. Oh, Bent, I lyuh iyeuoh, too, Ben, but—,., (Everything ops because that was weed. “th bub hs “ne youd 34 und jon of 7 —almort ikea guttural and animal version of love you”—al ese rietap Fe mared pec te th ange para fr and thn be ud. gh and nepali sere owe. [Tp Danan i iy Sayer th sped ar hich Mela say gn” tga. ah and enna Ufo i ntterance,) Oh-tay-God. (He ti ee art, beease his peed i inpaired) A yah ies, roo, Ben, bu. BEN. Are you // okay? Picea ples dizovery) Oh, Goal, My ronguel-y tein Peak hee wha talking about! Ben: Ab lysh stab, 0, Ben—aah—but, se?! > ar ENT” We OM Wei (apy tobe andontanding war Andy SEIN. as yuh youob, oo, Ben! Ab yuh cua 00, Ben! BEN. Okay, okay! I ge ie I gee / it ee ( (Rapid-fire—and loud. ugly guerra, desperate, ; TULLIEUOH TOO, AIIM Leo! /-TOO, AH-LYUL: LYEUOH-TOO, // eau evo TOS Be i Otay, ay Stop aking, Sip calking Everything i ie fort nomehe) A righe This good lel soca woe Banned. but this good! ANDY. No}, les nod! Hitt il This was...a big step we just took! ANDY. Yeah and tha teat td Tear ke gue “All right, Then...well rake small ones. (Holding out his hand afin rd bod ie these gong ge Bre alk holding hand) Here. ANDY. What are you doing? BEN, Talcing small steps. Take my hand. ANDY. Teane— ANDY. don now what happen +0 me if I do that. My servous system might [shut down]— S BEN Tost noe hal happen ome Sous eke 3 And et gp fora wal (eae bit hand ui. Bat Any je Ban td. Uiter uncertainty. As he slowly goes to take it, ligh 7 tential space vacuum soundinuasclranstion, And we move on to...) 35THE ANSWER 185 7:30 on the same Friday night in the same alternate subsrban reality Lights up on Reith in a tx, siting on be \ | | | teilet—lid down—in the bathroom. Celia appears outside | the bathroom in a wedding d Aenacks, but doesn't try to enter just yer. CELIA. Babe? REITH, (Reliceds going to the door, but not opening it ye.) Oh, thank God, Celia—Hey!: CELIA. Hey! The guys stid you wanted to...talle to me? KEITH, Yeah—I'm sorry, Pin so sorry. CELIA, Its okay. Its okay: People are just, if they should stay ot go. KEITH. What—no—! CELIA. Should they stay? KEITH, Yes, they should stay! Of course they should stay! RRA, Okay good! (Line beat.) So...whac’ gon’ on?, You okay? jast—I was just standing up there in front of ll those people—you were just about to walle dovn theaile aed all—and I don't know. .my feet got so cold. CELIA. Whar? KEITH. And...1 just hought 1 was gonna be sick, you know?—~ ‘My stomach, —So I came up here, CELIA. Okay. KEITH. "Cause I guess it just hie me how big thsi, CELIA. Well, ic is big. KEITH. Yeah. (Little beat.) CELIA. Unn...can I come in so we can talk aboue this? (She ster fegpen the doar, sobich Reith slams stand locks if posible) KEITH. No! You carit come in here! I cart see the bride on the wedding day till he wedding part, you know that! » CELIA. Keith— KEITH. And you cant see the groom! les bad luck! CELIA, Well, yeah, if you believe in that sore of thing! you know...wondering 36 res. She goes to the door and KEITH. Well, ’m not talkin’ any chances! wat: You know what?! Make a blindfold! CELIA. (Receives and procese,) What? KEITH. Tm gonna make one, too. IA. Keith— a ELIT. Herel (fe gobs a rl of tale paper jor Cola to mak blindfold oof) CELIA. What See |. Hold on! (He opens the door just enough so he can the tlt paper—bnt net enough tha they can 1 ath thera doses itonce Celia has the toilet paper.) Wrap some toilet paper aroun your head like a blindfold so you cant see me. Ym gonna make one, 00, with my tie, so T cane sce you. KEITH, Dotd"Cawe we ca se each other on the wedding day il ehe wedding part, and I really need to talleto you. CLA lend licked) Olay (Sete thee paper roland wraps et pape around ber ead 1 mae a Bind) KEITH. (Making his own blindfold) Tell me when you're done, (Celia blindfold herself) Axe you done? No—hold on—give mea sec! : KEITH. ies nolng bs BO) Wel, ll me whea youre done! I'm done! Are you done? CHLIA Hold ons KEITH. Are you done now? f CELIA. Keith Yes (nishs making ber blind) —yes imdone, KEITH, Allright. (He goes tothe door saps) Are you sure CELIA. Yes! iets ITH. Okay! (Opens the door gropes for Celia, finds her, pu into bobo ne oo oe ‘and bugs her desperately) CELIA. eee Hey-hey-heyt, It’s okay! Oh, I'm sorry, 'm so sorry! ts okay! KEITH. Ob, God, it’s good to see you! CELIA. Well, is good to...see...you, too. KEITH, Ob, I love you so muc CELIA. Tlove you, too! d KEITH. Oh, fimo sory... (HE ina bit of state). just this is alot of presure, you know? > 37CELIA. Yeah, // bur— KEITEL { mean, the expctatons—that wee jst gonna ive happily cre afer, when exerybody knows that this a rst wee takieg! ‘mean, we'te setting ourselves up for flute, » CELIA. What? KEITH, ‘Cause chances are we'e not gonna make it you know! CELIA. What? // Why do you [say that]? KGTTH, Cause over fify percent ofall martiages end in divorce, tight? Isnt thae the statistic? CELIA. (Amused and maybe relicved.) Keith! What—2 KEITH, And what if you end up hating me? CELIA. Keith! 'm // never gonna hate you! KEITH, I mean, you've seen it: Married people who hate cach other?, We've all seen that! > CELIA. Keith— KEITH, Tes so latent. And auf. But ge it. Especially in woraen because women give up more when they get niaried. Tear Your names, You give up your names tight out ofthe get! CELIA. But...1'm nos doing that fm keeping my nase! KEITH. Well, yeah, but you're gonna be doing more housework than you've ever done before, // because » CELIA. Wha—2 KEITH. chat’ what happens! Hushands create seven extra hours of housework a week for their wives: That's 2 fact, I ead thet! Anal don't want to be that guy. CETIA. Keith! Youre nor gonna be shat guy because I'm not gonna let Pou pe tac guy And anya; Ym the meay one! We've lived together petite year and Tim the one who makes more housework for soul KEITH. Celis: Youre not listening to me. Lasked you a question and You didnt answer i. Whae if sbi (us, married)... doest't work CELIA. What if what doesnt work? KEITH, Us. You and me. Married. CELIA. When did you ask me that? > KEITH. Just now. CELIA. You didn’ ask me that. KEITH. Yes I did CELIA. No you didnt, KEITH, Well, Tm asking you now: What if we get matted, we canit make it worl? Whaell we do? CBLIA. Keith —God— (A lie beat as che searches for an answer) ind 38 f | | | ITH. Split up? GLIA I don’t know... KEITH. Get a divorce? CELIA, Sere gues. ist lil ate? 7 ae fauee ‘make sense of what he’ saying.) Yea, if thar’s what we want, yeah, I] butI— ; ‘arr, ‘Well, chat’s not something I'm ever gonna wane CELIA. Welle neched! KEITH, Tol want gs cre \ ll, let's not, // then! urried we will never get divorced! Seu Allright, I fain | That's kinda what today: Hisall haere KEITH. Now but wait: If we do that...then we'd be stuck witl & 1 feet Whatre you [talking about|—? Babe: (Little i Twant to be stuck wich you. (Bear. Realization.) The aueson riow seems to be...do yow,,.wanna be stuck...with me? (Beat KEITH. (Gaps, Elation! A solution!) Oh my God! CELIA. Whar? KEITH. Oh-1 CELIA. What? : a KEITH. ‘That’ what this ist Thats whar ths is all about! CELIA. Wha2, What whatsallabou? KEITH, Tnever...answered...chat question! CELIA. Huh? ae KEITH. | never answered you, when you asked me to marry you! 7 did! Hee ran cue ‘didn! 1 just...stood there all stupid, ’cause you // surprised the heck out of me! ee CELIA. Yeah but then you picked me up and hugged un me around! : KEITH, Yeah, and the next thing 1 know, we'e ins do ing all the things pooled when ty deco get mars invtaron eying on dees, checking ot band and venues—which didn ie Sny’of wwe decided tod ie hee, in the house we bought together... 7 CELIA, ‘Yeah! And all that wasn't YES? KEITH. No, ‘cause I didn't say it! 1 now that when we 1y-God! Oh-my-God! 39CELIA, Yes, you did! KEITH. When? Ik CELIA. (Ponders) Well— KEITH. Do you remember heating me say YES? CELIA, Well, I don't know. No, I guess // not, bur— [ KEITH. No, you dont, because I didnt sy if And I wane to! 1 ‘wanna say yes! CELIA. Well then say YES, and let's go do this! (She starts to go.) KEITH. All ight, well, hen ask me again! ' CELIA. Stopping.) Whact— Ask me again right now! IF’ marry you! Like you did | that night thar beautiful Friday night in June, jasc lke th once so T can say YES! i CELIA. Sweetie— t KEITH. I wanna say YES, Celia, I need to say YES. So ask me ! again., Please., Now. f CELIA. Olay, okay. KEITH. Thank you. i CELIA. Just—hee— (She gosto take Keiths mabesife blindfold off) KEITH. (Feeling Cola groping for his blindfold) What are you | CELIA. Taking our blindfolds off — t KEITH. (Stopping ber,) No! I/ Stop! CELIA. (ying to take bis blindfold off repeatedly throughout what | follows.) Yes, so Lean look into your eyes and» KEITH. (Thwarting her attempts,) No, nol CELIA. ask you if you'll marry me > } lo~no! ‘Cause when I say YES, then we will have Frans pier on out wedding day before the wedding par, snd that’s bad luck! CELIA. isnt the way this is typically don typical...and so: [ove you...and. KEITH. Babe? GBLIA. Sonry. (Collects herself Keith is happy) Tove you. an Assi, she sops and struggle Afra eas, be pulls any os Res, 40 i, and stares at him.) il Tie oe ie Blindfold of. Tere met ir thei ca today And maybe for the first time in a long time.) What's wrong? i Se. (aealcation. Sone cold dead veins) Ica’ do this [H. What? H CELIA" Tet ask you to maery me] aga. becase. Oh, God: (Beat, Painful realzarion,) | doxit want you to say yes. o ; Cas. Tonk wate dis (Long, long beat.) Oh, God. Vim sorry, Ken, Ro * I.,.dont.. .either. ITH. No. I's okay. ‘Cause... (Realization)... (hag ln bg bao ible compl whats Then, suddenty) GRLIA, But—wait: [love you! KEITH. Me, a . Lrealy // dot KEITH. Iloveyou too (Long lng lon, pint Beat oftonfson) ELIA. What do we do?!? KEITH, I don’t know. (Long, long, long beat as Keith searches fa ‘an answer, This silence should be auofu) | guess...we should go tel everybody. ? What do we tell them? rerrn, vase, Lae Searches.) Somethin’. (Beat. Light fades Celta and Keith start to go and tell everybody sheir news. Lights fade Existential space vacuum soundlmusic/transition. And we move on t...) 41Its 7:30 on the same Bill enjoys what bes wa ‘She looks at Bill disdain Jooks at him again and gets bis UH-OH Friday night in the same alternate suburban reality. Lights up on Bill and Sarah in the woe Bills wearing ccrbuds—atcbing op mad very fanny comedy on bi cing. Londhy smack on the shoulder othe leg. SARAH. Bill—.., BILL. (De-earbudding.) Yeah? SARAH. (Fillo ‘mthing tsa... but thinks beter of rand instead say, Laughing:) Nothin’ (She goes back en more, Sarah is irked by ti 10 her iPad: Bill -earbuds. He enjos tictinfly she loks aus from bs she thinks: he loks at bios gpa And ges is atention agin, probably with another line mack) babe BILL. (De-earbudding.) Yeah? SARAH. (Ful of something t0 say...and again thinkin, smiling, and finally saying.) Nothint. = BILL. You sure? SARAH. (Totally convincing.) ack tober iPad. Bil meearbrck Yeah! He enjoys what bes watching. Even Trak th. irked ly tis agin, She looks at Bil didainflly se looks away from him; she thinks, aitention again, probably with an BILL, (De-earbudding.) Honey, she looks at him again and gets bis other litle smack) Bly what? SARAH. (Again ful of something to say and again thinking be it laughing at herelfand finally sayings) Nottaae, "8 Oe OF BILL. Well, I'm watching somet ng episode 3 of season 4 ofa is ‘Pad. Sarah read pie ier ed Sarab is irked by this, nfilly she looks auvays she thinks: she attention maybe wish a litte Yeah-yeah-yeah! (She goes } SARAH. (Exasperated and giving bim a final litle attention-gesting Bil act rg exusperated;de-carbudding,) Honey, what (ite beat) nd says) {love you! HE BILL. Well, I love you, tool, What's goin’ on? > SARAH. Nothing! BILL. Are you okay? SARAH. Yeah, Yeah! I just... BILL. What? z SARAH. Well...just—... Can I ask you somethi BILL. Yeah. , SARAH. (Really asks the question.) How long does it fel like we've been married? BILL. (Receives and proceses.) What? How long docs it fel/el like we've been married? SARAH, ...fel like weve been married—yeah—to you, yeah. BILL. Um.,.wel, about a year and a half, because // that’s how— SARAH. That’ how long ic feels like we've been married, to you, 2 rs. She looks at Bil | aboua year and a half? BILL, Um...yeah, because that’s how long we've been married. Best year and a half of my li SARAH. Aw. [That’s sweet.) BILL. Why do // you ask? SARAH, (Listle explosion.) Wow! Only one little yeat. And a halfof another one, huh? BILL. Yeah. (Litle beat.) Does it fel...longer to you or something? SARAH. What?? No!—Wait: Uh-oh: Yeakit does-maybe. A lice BILL. What do you mean? SARAH, Well, Bill: (Beat as she searches for how to put this,) Ven bored. BILL. Oh. SARAH, Yeah. I mean—it’s a Friday night, and look at us. We're just siting here. You'te watching something, I'm reading something. BILL. 1 thought we liked reading. And wacching stuff. SARAH, Well—we do, but Tm bored, and being bored at chis stage of the game—I mean, a year and a half in—is not what I hoped and dreamed, honestly, BILL. Okay. SARAH. Yeah, I feel like Pim languishing. 43BILL. (Receives and proceses,) Languishing? SARAH, Yeah, and I don’: wana languish. I wanna have fun and do exciting ching! BILL. Okay. Okay, okay. Honey: I think I might know what this Notte just 1 chink —... You know what? This is jus what happens, SARAH. Huh? BILL. Yeah—I was ust reading about this somewhere— (Searches his ‘iPed.) —canit remember where—Pl send you the link—but._ there was a big study done recently about how after thefts year/yéar and | 3 half of martiage—the “honeymoon petiod” they call it—-romance {isd passion can fade alte, and, when that happens, couples just | have to work a litte harder to figure out hove to rekindle whatever i is theyve lost, and the best way to do that—the study said is for them to tty to find the fun again. And maybe we just need to..find the fn again, ! SARAH. Oh! Yeah! Maybe we do! (Little beat.) So let's find it BILL. Hake SARAH. Ler’ find the fun again! Right now! You first, Find the | fun, Gol | BILL. Well, honey, you know what? I don‘ really feel like we've lst the fun, actually— SARAH, Well, /do, BILL. Wall..can we find it comorrow? I've had a long week, and I juse wanna // watch [my show]-— SARAH, T don’ think I can wait that long. BILL. Okally— SARAH. Yeah, I need to find the fan now. BILL. Okal/y. | SARAH. Because I don’t wanna be bored, because being bored...well, ! its just not good for people., Do you think is good for people? = BILL. No— i SARAH. "Cause I donit think ti, "Cause, see, I was just reading {omething, too, here, actually... (Quickly searcher on ber iPad.) Argh {cant find it— butt was in an atc that was witten about a sty that was done by...expetts...on...people who just cant. Be. Bored BILL. On? SARAH. Yeah, i's about how there are people in this world who just can’ hep ehemnsclves but take extreme action when // they get bored, and— BILL. Wait, “extreme action”? 4 Yeah. H Sa ue wha’ Like skydive, bungee jump, bullfight ‘SARAH. No like kill. ae el, ‘The theory is that that’s what they'll do when they're bored: Kil. SRARY il In the cases cited in the article, kill the people they love most. BILL. What?—No! SARAH, i icbeen fulfilled. |. Yeah. Because their hopes and dreams haven't been Its [psychological thing. (indicates her head,) > BILL. Really? ; eos SARAH. They call ic—argh!—I can’t remember what it's called, bu there are people who have this [psychological ing If and BILL. Well like people like who? SARAH. Wel, like people in prison. BILL. Realy? SARAH. Yeah! ILL. Thad no idea. Saar Yen, is Upeychologiall thing, and, we I was je thinking: Lie bear Rell eray aking) What i was one o those people? What if when I got bored, | fille 1 klled you (Little beat, Then, realh, innocently asking.) What would you do? BILL. Um—. ce SARAH. (Really truly asking.) Would you stay with me? BILL. (Considers) 1—. 1. : SARE, "(Maner offic) Yeah, it’s a wough one. ‘Cause tae ‘aye Vl probaby kl you ‘case I'm bored. Bu if you lf youd be a promise-breaker, because we are married, and you did promi to stay with me in good times and in bad, fot better or for worse, in Sesknes and in beat, and —ifyo ee me, youd ets irtle beat.) That’ a tough one. Youd kinda end up losing either wnt a Then eile innocently asks the question:) What would you do? cae Het BILL. ‘Revives and proces) Urn... like co think ha 7 2 hat someching lik this would nee happen, and Bhat ay, Because I love you, And because weld be dealing wids mental ies. And youd need my help in dealing with thats, yeah stay. And help you gee better. Help you...n0t be 45SARAH. Ifyou dxew I was gonna kill you, you'd stay? BILL. I think I would, SARAH. Really? BILL. Yeah, SARAH. Really? BILL. Yeah. I can't imagine my life without you, silo... JARAEL Ave tat’ really sweet of you, Bil. (She gives Billa quick | fis Als wll. Bill resumes watching his shows Sardh ges ber bager | reaches into a crasver and produces a gum, which she points at Bll i | Gonvicion and authority and know-how. Eventually Bill notices that dis wif is pointing a gun at him.) BILL, What? Honey! (He kind of pus his hands up because... what be do you do?) What are you doing? SARAH. (Totaly reasonable discovery) Bill: T think Ym one of {hose people who kils the people they love mose when theyre bored, and J never-ever-ever-ever-ever thought Td get bored ses you, with us, with things, but I did: Uh-ohe BILL, Whav2? Youte—one of those people? SARAH. Yeah. BILL. Well, how do you know? SARAH, I took 2 test. They had one of those tests, “Could You RATA Personality Test” at the end of the article. And Tdi realy wll op it. Or—poosly. Anyway, I answered all the quesiors tight. { have al the symptoms. And it said that 1 Covld. Ki (Amazing, right?} BILL. Oh, SARAH. Yeah. How ’bout that, huh? BILL. How "bout that. Beat,) Sarah... (Bill ries leave) SARAH. (Sul sotally rasonabhy) Oh, no-no-no, Donk you @ Bil Foute not going ate you? You said you wouldnt. You jest wd youtd stay with me. And help me get better funay ah, when this was all hypothetical, Where did you get a ntl SARAH. Ar the SuperCenter, BILL. Oh, SARAH. ‘To keep us safe. From the outside, RIL. Oh. Beat, A standoff Then a plea.) Sarah Love you, Sarah. Sarah, please... SARAHL BAM! (Sarch shoots Bile At last five more times—fase Bil src Butts a water gun—and this should bea total nape! 6 -bam-bam F sudiencel) Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bs Je Bill and to the at Bam : I (Sarah soaks Bills shirt wish the water; i sn in ‘et shows te water stn well] Shesplode with in. (Tip: Bill gl { She is thrilled.) led of the bet practical joke ver! She riled HA Sa AT AHARATIAY got you 0 ba HAHAHAHA Tes no ea «squint vea I go you 2 edt On, God, Your face! Hilario! You thought Iwas gonna kill you? te oe oe you! I'm your WIFE 1 LOVE you! I'm not ‘m not gonna Hl fgotna Hill you! = L. (Diatraught,) Sarah! ; ae SARAH. Oy il Day Twas jue pln V made te woe hing “There's no such study! No. ..te People who kill the people t 7 sec mort when theyre bore? People dont do things ike ha And if they dowel, theyte crazy! And Tin not cry! wo seeded ke that. sory (egies hits on the bad) so sory baby Twas jus ing to wake us up hak things up, co help us find the fun again, You gotta find the fun in marge ori fi ene ea, well that was relly very fun for me. ; SARAH Oh, baby, come on! I was just playin’, // silly goose! (She squirts him again.) : ha BILL. (Distragh) Sarab: (A bea of hin voting through what ba Iappened. He asks the hard question.) Do I...bore you? > SARAH. No! ite BILL So mach dar you wanna il me SARAH, No! Billl Dont /! be silly! ee BILL. And is our life...not what you hoped and dreamed??? SARAH. Well, nor exactly—but its okay: > BILL. Whoah— SARAH, T've learned t0 adjust my expectations. (Whoops) > BILL, Whae2? SARAH, T mean . i BILL. You shoul have ro do cha have had 0 do cha! You've fulfilled my expectations! Exceeded them, even, and I wan 3! Exceed them, even! ; cM (sone dl tad nous) All right. Then do ic. Fulfil, exceed, right now, go. i BILL Wet Td fe et know how odo has right now. SARAH, Bill: How *bout just...17: BILL, Okay. 7SARAH. And keep trying, BILL. Okally. "8 | SARAH. Every day, ft BILL, Okally. | SARAH. And never stop, BILL. Oka//y. {i SARAH, Ever, f BILL. Okay. i SARAH. (Pointing the squirt gun at him.) Till the day you die | (She playfully squirts Bill in the face und bis eaked out and confused. Light fades Bas i Bill isl prety | anak pice. 4 ih a i Exit pace vacuum sound * Scenes on “Uh-Oh on page 83, LUNCH AND DINNER Its 7:30 on the same Friday night in she same alsernate suburban reality Lights up on Kelly in the bedroom, She is inst home from asork. She has probably just changed her clothes ‘and might be banging her work clithes om a hanger. She is preoccupied with her phone. We hear Mark enter the house MARK. (From off calling to his wife) Hecey! KELLY. (Calling to her husband.) Hey! Vm in here! (Beat, Mark enters the bedrooms preoccupied with his phone.) Hey. MARK. Hey. (A routine coming-home-from-tvork kiss. They barely look at each other as they do this, because theyre both bred in sheir phones and in their respective coming-home-from-twork routines: [nt what follows, Mark takes off his shoes, loosens his tie, unbustons bis shirt—all she while checking his phone. While neither Kelly nor Mark ‘pays much attention tothe other, absolutely norbing is wrong. This i a setiled, content couple, Ail s well. Until it isnt) How was yout day? KELLY. Great! Crazy, but ies Friday! MARK. Yay, Friday! KELLY. How was yours? MARK. Great, Crazy, but it’s Friday! KELLY, ‘Yay, Friday! (Beat, Kelis bured in er phone. Mark i ruried in his) MARK. How was your deposition? KELLY, Ob, super! MARK, Glad to hear it. (Bear. Mark i buried in his phone. Kelly is buried in hers) KELLY. How was your presentation? MARK. Went excellent. KELLY. Awesome. (Beat. Kelly and Mark are buried in their phones.) MARK. Oh, how was your luncheon? KELLY. Huh? MARK. You had a luncheon today, // dide't you KELLY. Oh, yeah, /! yeah. How was ie? 9 feeKELLY. Really good, Good, what'd you hav. KELLY. Hn? ieee RK. For hunch, atthe luncheon? KELLY. Oh, sex. (She says this nonchalant fshe: ker aging the dw BLT) sai) Wg 9 tly loking at Kelly and ching in whet she jus KBLLY. Sex. (Still shinks she buried in ber phone.) MARK. What??? KELLY, Sex, had sex for lunch, it was te sid she bad BLT for unch, end oe sly dapper Honey LLY. What'd you have? (Movin Kel. ? (Moving on, grabbing her work clothes, aid yen 8 Men them np inthe cst, didn have sbanchene MARK, ...No. KELLY. Grom For lunch? MARK. cl Keay eet himself hen to er) A sneatal sy MARK. I had a meatball sub, KELLY. (Returning.) Was it good? MARK: Tews olay... Great! She aggre res herself to defect Leinng cape ae one a ref ae Maki ugh eae jus go buck fra second? Did you just say RaLEg! bad 26 fr lunch the what you jus si MARK. Um...J think you di KELLY. No, fitsia MARK, No, I think you di KELLY. No, Tend 2) No, I didete think so, so what'd you haved, // bs buried in her phone, as & saying something ihe a BLT.” and silt f | | i MARK. No—you did! > | KBLLY. No! I said I had salmon! MARK. No, you did—twice—three times—no four! Four times! ‘After [asked you how your day was and how your deposition was, I wu what you had for lunch at your luncheon, and you said, ae Tsaid,"Whae™ and you said, “Sex,” and I said, “Wihat?,” and you said, “Sex, had sex for lunch, it was really good.” (Little beat.) Why di you say that??? KELLY. (Laughing it off, like hes erazy,) Well, honey, I don't Know—I mean, I had salmon! I didn’t have sex for lunch at the Juncheon!, I mean, who has that for lunch ata luischeon?! > MARK. I don't know, Kelly— KELLY. What kind ofa thing is that for a person to have for lunch at aluncheon?! MARK. (Uncorking a litle) I don't know, Kelly, what kind of a thing # that for a person co have for lunch at a luncheon, huh2!? Beat, Kelly buses herself) Kelly! Why did you say that? KELLY. Well—Honey—I don't know. MARK, You don't Anow? What do you mean you dox‘t know? MARK. Ie slipped? KELLY. Yeah— MARK. (Getting worked up.) Ie slipped, you guess?!? KELLY. Yeah, and don't ger all worked up, ‘cause it was nothing. MARK. What was /! nothing?? KELLY. It was just what they had—for lunch at the luncheon— MARK. Just whac wilho hid? KELLY. ...and ic was really good! MARK. What do you mean it was really good2!? KELLY. Ie was just different chan the way you make it. MARK. Make what? KELLY. Love—> MARK, Kellyi! KELLY, Argh! Lunchi, I mean lunch!, Lamnch!— > MARK. Whar 22 KELLY. And besides like I said, it was nothing! MARK. Kelly! — KELLY. It was nothing!, Te was nothing!, It was nothing! It was jus. MARK. WHAT?KELLY. Lwas just... I was hungry! MARK. (Receives a ws) Nous H KErly, {inte ind processes.) You were. bungee You were hungry?l? KELLY. Yeah 8" | MARK. (Exploding,) Well, then ! Everything wets Kelly base berelp. eb AN DWIGE (Be Legh though i) Kelly, WHO2 Who did you KELLY. Oh, honey, Idont even known MARK. You don’t even Anowil?, > KELLY. No— : MARK. You don’t know?!? KELLY. No— : MARK, What do you mea i you mean you don't énow? KELLY. Just that! And besides, it doesn’t ae HH ee It doesn't matter2?? X. Yeah ‘cause it was just what they ha MARK. Why do you keep saying that?” ied KELLY. (A eine any for along time, and se Te oe . ae 1g time, and. Thad some (Beat. Everyehing settles MARK. Kelly you havent had any for along don let me nea you anymore. MARC Geded rev up again.) That's not tight, KELLY. No! I mean MARK. What? KELLY. You don’ let me near aa KELLY. You done mena on KELLY. ! Every tir | Manan, Yel Boer dime Ly co get nea you, you shin : KELLY. You shrink! MARK 11 sink i LLY. Yeah-—away from me | MARE Heh—aay fom me, And you make afc i KELLY. You K. No, shrink anc REAR No. yo shcink and you make a face when I try to ge KELLY, No, youdo that!, Youdo that!, i MARK. Every time you try to teduce have sex for lunch with? time because you you've gor it wrong. Every time I try to seduce you! 52 maybe grabs a magazine and } ‘lurt,) anv it looked really good and hadn't |) } L. KELLY. No! MARK. You're having an affair, aren't you?!? > KELLY. I'm not MARK, Are you having an affair??? KELLY. Nol! > MARK. Answer me KELLY. Pm not having an affair! (Beat. A standoff, Mark puss his ‘thoes back on and starts to go.) What arc you doing? MARK. Tim—... (He stops, turns to his wife, and what be says next isloaded. Het playing what he thinks isher game now.) Ven... buengry. want something for dinner. And I'm thinking of going out for ie. For my dinner. (He starts go.) KELLY. (Realizing what Mark means, sopping her husband.) No! ‘Mark! Wait—please don't do that! Please don’t go! Please! MARK. Well, its dinnertime, and I gotta eat, ‘cause let me tell yaz Ym very hungry. KELLY. Okay: understand that. Bur—I'm hungry, too. So... (This isan olive branch that becomes a gentle, tentative seduction.) ...why don't you—right now—let me... apologize...and maybe. .make a litle something. For you. For dinner: So that...you don't have to 0 out for it. (Little beat.) MARK. I don't know, Kelly— KELLY. Please, Mark. I made a mistake. It was a mistake. Let me tty to make this up to you, (Litele beat.) MARK, All right. (Litle beat.) And maybe... could...make a litte something for you, t00. KELLY. Thar be nice. MARK. *Cause I can make it better than Whoever made it for you for lunch. At the luncheon, I know I can, KELLY. Olay. MARK. ’Cause dinner is a way better meal than lunch. KELLY. Way better. (Mark goes to kiss Kelly; Kelly shrinks/pulls away from him and warns away. making a face. [Note: These “shrinks” and “faces” are kind of like what you do when someone smells bad. Big enough to read; small enough to be real. Tip: Its a two-part move. Shrinkpullasvay first, then turn away and make a face.) 53MARK. Hey! Honey2l? KELLY. Huh? MARK, You just did it again, KELLY. Huh? MARK. You shrank. KELLY. Oh— MARK. Avay from me, And you made a face KELLY. Oh, God. I sorry. Ym so sonny, honey. (Ay afl beat, het he goes in fora coneiatry touch or bug or bit, Mark dvicks Beni from Kelly and then turns aaa. mating a fae) Honey! MARK. Whar? KELLY. You just did it, too. MARK. Huh? KELLY. You shrank. // Away from me, MARK. Oh, God— KELLY. And you made a face, MARK, I did didn't KELLY. Yeah, you did. MARK. I've been doing chat haven't [? > KELLY. Yeah—why? LLY, What? MARK. Remember—... (A df cule confession.) Do you remember 4 few weeks ago when I told you | had a Cabb call foc anyone that luncheon I had? KELLY. Yeah, MARK. I didn't have a Cobb salad, KELLY. Didnt sound like you, MARK, T had sex. KELLY. (Hure,) Oh, MARK. ‘And I sweat :o you: Ie was nothing, Ie was just what they had. And I was really hun, Bry. KELLY. Okay. (Litle beat) Um...Do 1 [know who with]—... Who with? MARK. Oh, honey, I dont even know. (Beat,) Ym teally sorry, Little beat,)* KELLY. Me, too. (Long beat.) [knew you know. I knew. (Beat,) (Gattng up resigned.) Wal... guess [gonna get eaved on cinner]—... Want me to ge seated on dinner? He sees ¢0.) * Seno on “Lunch nd Dian on page 84, 54 stanton LY, No— ee ops on my way home, there was a special at "MARK. I got pork chops y toe Bae eee acai MARK, Yeah, I do, its /f dinnertime, > KELLY. No,youdont— MARK. and it’s my turn to cook, > KELLY Yes bar AN, Now I ont wannsordrin, and don want pork chops. MARK, Wel, we gotta eat, its dinnersime, —— He KELLY. Yeah, well, P'm not rally very hungry right now. /! I Kinda > “MARK. Yeah [me ee ee ve kinda my aj MARK, Me-ton eat pac, Maks net Kel) OF course, you know... we don’ ent...well starve ig KELLY. We will. (Long beat. Then, not eee eae wy and Mark suddenly reach for each other in He pa ewe en and grab hands at the same exact moment, an sar ee te Lights slowly fade. Existential space vacuum soundl ‘move on to...)IJ. Yeah she's seven months old now! KEVIN. Ger out! /! Wow! ea JILL. Yeah, and—anyway—we just gor to talking, ..am fine.what about ts. ; ives and process.) What about us? {A730 on the sae Brida night in the same aiernte sub pear not Haming ber husband.) She asked me if we Tages Ligh on and xin in ten rom Ter ever gonna have that baby we said we wanted so much. ‘They are eating desert lls birthday coke, The coke covered Uh-huh, . with alo of blown out candles. Before it was ous thee nen LL. Yeah, and I said I didn't know., That we were talkin’ about cre ih finds an it. Kevin is excited abou bis ie op | EEE cake. Jill is just staring at hers—and at all hse cane KEVIN. Oh? JILL. Or at lease thinkin’ about it. ARMIN, Min! 1 really like the butercream, (Fe eats some cake.) Fa, Cis blaming Kent 1) Yeah, and she said that we'd bewer stop Mmm! Mim! ies good! ' ar about it and thinkin’ about it...and do something about it soon because.the window is losing, KEVIN. (Not understanding.) What...window? 7 JILL, (Ungent—but not mean.) OF opportunity. les closing fer you said you me. Because I’m not young anymore. I mean, I'm not old, but I'm FORGOT {acum kind of thing, but I tried that buttererean Hed, and ic works thinke Mes ea ets i chink. les teally good! (He notices thar jul young anymore. And,..I don't quite know how that happened jit! tien her cake. jl, you haven even tied in eee of sen that happened, bu somewhere along the way._-we forgot JILL. Yeah—sorry—T'm just—,. (She stars to laugh.) That's alot |) to have the baby KEVIN One 8 mY ake! le laghs more None laugh) | RENIN (Reeeoes and process) What? SEVIN, Oh. gues, ycah, (ejoter)| mean: we'e Not gettin’ any JILL. We forgot to have the baby, Kevin. youngei! (He laughs Jil laughs harder) KEVIN. What do you mean we forgot to have the baby? JUL Nope! Nope! Were noe (She laughs even Prarder.) JILL. Here, look. (She presents her phone.) Read this. jad vet rocker? KEVIN. (Readh from ihe calendar function on the phone.) Friday, Kevin ayah it ++ Her laughter subsides.) gor me thinkin’. June 9th; meeting, with Marie in marketing, JILL. Yup. Went great. JILL. (Not angry—an honest questio Whatever happened ¢ : + i Baby we sud we wanted so mucho MSY append co thee HLL Nest JILL. Mrs-hm. KEVIN. (Receives. cand processes,) Huh? KEVIN. Lunch with Lori and the i JILL. (Really wondering.) Whatever happened to that baby we said JILL. Mm-hm. : ‘we wanted so much? KEVIN. SuperCenter. JILL. Yup we were out of a couple of things—and... (Pointing i outa specifi evens) whats ic say right there ul RVING a ane fr me. KEVIN. (Reading.) “Have the baby.” (Receives and process. He KEVIN. Oh, that’s nice! Jooks at her.) Have the baby? oe JILL. Yeah, and Loti brought Sophie with her JILL. (Not blaming Kevin. Justa fact.) Yeah. I didn't do that today, eee 1 did all that other stuff. But not that. KEVIN. (At. lost.) Um. JILL. Tonly ask ‘cause I saw Lori and the girls today. They hed a 56 57KEVIN. Sweet//heartr— JILL. Today was our target date, KEVIN. Our what HLL, ‘Our target date. For having the baby: We picked iva few years KEVIN aces puttin my calendar. (fs to her smarphone) FE RTN, dont remember picking an actual day Wren, ere ther the pain and, eventual the nage arto come oat,) ‘Wel, do, We said chat by che time I was of acer age would bea good time to have a baby. > KEVIN. T dont remember us saying that. > JILL, And Ym of a certain age now, Kevin! » KEVIN. 1 thought chat was just a general kind of *Wouldat ie be nice if.” > JILL. Lam ofa certain age today, Kevin! » Me Nin of thing, I didat know you ha picked an actual day, HELL. Topping hin.) 1 mean, I woke up this morning and checked SPY Phone to sce whar I ad to do today, and BAM! Iles iewast, lave the baby.” (Beat. Then, violently tober phone) hes why I GATE these things! Everthing’s too SMALL And you ext only see [he day youtte ZN Pieces oF it You cat see whats COMA And how are you supposed PLAIV and lve your LIFE whcy 90u cat see 1¢ on the table.) GODM (Beat Kevin is ata los.) SEVIN, (Finals ying to belp:) Seethear, theres an alert function, ‘You could have sec an afflere TEL. (Shuting Kein down.) KBVINI (Lite beat. The, tind) Pen sre taptst Hew did we lc chis happen? How did we forgert nace the baby? KEVIN. (Receives and proceses,) jill: don’ thi the baby. We've juse been,..busy, | think. [ busy lately, JILL. Yeahs I guess. But... doing what? What h doing thar we forgot to have the baby? KEVIN, Well think we've just been busy geting stuff in order s0 we ean have the baby. JILL. What stuf? KEVIN. Wel, I dont know—do you want some coffee? FILL. (No-—what suff have we been getting in oxdar? KEVIN, Jus, you know I thought we warsed og getall our ducks in a row before // we {have a kid} inke we forgot to have ‘mean, we've been so ave we been so busy F 38 LL. Our duckst > JILL. Our Yeah. : nl, "Wie dont have any dc, Kevin KEVIN, Thnow Tt talking abouee ioe FINI Wal, dont know ery jose shoughe chat she TV, ne wand gps some ings wc waned syere some places a bilefore we- ; $e ema real ue ) Weve bad nine yas, Kein To y aces and do things. And in nine yeats, where ave we gone KEVIN. Lows of pact hat have we done? Be ; evn" tow things Were got spol si Po apy And appy. And I thought we were ge re ae Tet KEVIN. Sweetheart— JILL. Do your (Little beat.) ' KEVIN. Can we talk about this later? > Kevin. ° Wy dont you just ext your cake and le’ ele about this later. JILL. Kevin, I don’t want to eat my cake, IVIN. Why not, 1// made it for you! ; LL Boone : big part of the reason why JILL. Because... that eae...is a prety big p fa like the window ie closing KEVIN. Wha—why? JILL, All chose candles, Kevin! KEVIN. Huh? ae JILL, (An attack.) Why would you put that many candles on my birthday cake2!? KEVIN, Wal, because hats how old rouse TILL. Yeah. Why would yu remind me of tha KEVIN. Tm not reminding y/lou— Saat JILL. Why would you remind a woman of a certain age how old Ravin, Sweetheart—I just thought they'd be pretiy— JILL. Wel, they arent prety. They're ugly! > EVIN. Jill H Tr bole they look like whaé Lori said: chat the window is closing! 59.Kevin, that's doors! ras unnecessarily mean.] You know what I mean I thought ve wena tet ofline Te sony, Pm sorry. just, KEVIN. We did, Buc Luse thoughe chat this [you and me without JILL. No! I think like our life, Jill, 17 "you think it could be beteer?— JILL. (Receives and p Kevin defeatedly tar cits into the kitchen sound/musicleransiti racesses,) Oh. Okay, to clear the dishes, as the light fade on Jill Existential space vacuums (Little beat) Okay. * Beas, ion. And we move on to...) ‘WHERE WAS I? |. Tet 7:30 on the same Friday night in the same alternate ‘ suburban reality, Lights up on Abbie in the garage. She holds ‘a stuffed doll—"Dolly.” She is searching for something. At the ‘up, Li: is yelling to Abbie from inside the house-—because she is fer away from Abbie. LIZ. (Calling to her wife, from off) Abbie? (Little beat,) Abs? (Little beat.) Abbie, where are you? ABBIE. (Searching intensely half answering Liz,) Garage. ‘LIZ, ABBIE! [ABBIE. (Yelling to her wife.) Garazazage! (Abbie searches fora beat.) LIZ. (Finally bursting int the garage.) Hey! So listen, Tess found Monkey, Kity, and Giraffey, and I found One-Eyed Lobster, but we sill cant find Dolly anywhere! ABBIE, Here, (She toses Dolly to Liz and continues searching.) LIZ. Well, why didnt you let us know, Tess is kinda melting down. (Calling off starting to go.) Found her, Tess! (Returning) On and Caleb iswaching—. (Abbie tl carching,) What ate ‘you doing? ABBIE, I don't know, just looking for something, LIZ. Oh., Okay., Well, [ know it’s Friday and they get to pick hat they want to watch for TV time, but Caleb wants to watch Sivike Force Pandas, and—is that okay for Tess? ABBIE, Its fine. I vetted it. LIZ. Well, it’s a litdle violent, don't // you think — ABBIE. Liz, ifyou don’ like it, put on Tina Tidpole Goes Exploring. LIZ, Well, I’m just not sure Tess should // be watching that. ABBIE, (Searching,) Could you just handle it tonight? ‘LZ. Huh? ABBIE, Could you just get everybody down tonight fora change? LIZ. Oh, [This is weird] Yeah. Sure ABBIE. ‘Thanks. LIZ. Are you okay? ABBIE. Yeah. 61\ey¥—you really are a life (Abbie is searching mon inept Sha 8 Dally, i searching more intensely ° ABBIE. Tm not Sure Tcmein bee ee 70 oe ABBE bd you found hee! Thanks DO » Yeah—} it i AE eah—but usc fel ke something ee, ABBIE, I don’t know. LIZ, What's missing? Place I haven‘ looked. (Bxplsion,) Huh? ABBIE. Whet did you LZ, T don enone eas help me out here! Uz. Okay Wa mses ee! Think Ava been awhile, Tgucss 2%" SH thinks, Then, arealzaion) es ABBIE. Okay, LIZ, A long time, acrualh ABBIE, Whaat ly. Since... before the kids oe | Yeah, I haven't seen it—since the kids, Abbie. Since Caleb, “ABBIE, What? No, // no. TIZ.. Yeah. Now that I think about it, this is all making sense, ‘tally. I taven't really seen yow...since the kids | TABBIE. What do you mean you haven't seen me2, I've been right here. LIZ. No you havent. I mean, you'te here, but I never see you. > 'ABBIE. Yes, you dot LIZ. You've kind of disappeared on m | ABBIE. I have not disappeared! I'm right here all the time: Youre the one who's disappeared!, You're the one who doesnt even seem (o.want to participate in this family! LIZ, Excuse me? 'ABBIE. Youre never here! You never see me because you're never heel LIZ. What do you mean Pm never here? ABBIE. You work! All the time! You'll never have to go through “anything like this because you get to do whatever you want for yourself by yourself whenever you want to. LIZ, What do I get to do for myself by myself? ABBIE, You get to get in your cart And drive To work! By yourself Do you know what I would give to be able to drive In my car By myself Anywhere? You leave me here all alone, > LIZ. 1 don't leave you! ABBIE. and it’s a lot for one person—doing EVerything and giving EVerything—and L am so used up by the end of every day because Thave been giving and doing and giving and doing and maybe that’s what this ist Maybe I didn't lose it after alll, Maybe I just gave it all away, and there's just not enough of me to go around, and nov Tam all! Used! Up! (Little beat.) Maybe that’s what this is, (Beat,) LIZ. (Contritely) Abbie: I know how hard itis, w//hat you do, ABBIE. No you dont., You have /! no idea. LIZ. Okay, you'r right, I don't, but listen: This is the deal we ‘made. This is how we decided to do this. This is how you wanted to do this. And—you know, you don’t give me much of a chance. To “participate.” In this family. Because you do it all. You did it all: ‘You had them, you nursed them....ind one of us had to work, and that one of us was me, (into attack mode.) and so 1 worked And L am working! So kara! What I do is hard you know! 63ABBIE. (Apologetic) know— UZ. Apologetic.) No, you dont kn Tam making the money so that th ABBIE. Oh, don't do that, // pull me, (She breaks fice.) tz. What? Come on, // let go of ( ‘ pear ul Lam notabrayshere becasall Aaa (Cre bing Lie again ying fo lok int he ge) found Ina [aiid er .) Abbie: Can we please drop tha, // please! : Te Toh any Co, Lie! (Abbie dou let Lis go and lok dep ee s. Shaken to ber core:) There itis. Right there. I found it. never ber, you know! ‘fanle bows) There Iam. (Linde bean) And there you are. (Aisle Te og heel the cine! Von as Liz catches on) or r me! You're never here for me: (Everything stops.) 1 — [Z. Yeah. Hete I // am. 7 iH ied be nles, you knows if you slept. In he bea. WE memes HSI, Oh, Goal! (She bugs Liz) Tve been looking in allshe wrong ADDIE Len! Bet ou dot places. (Lic does not return the bug.) I’m so sorry. I don't hate you. > Cie bt: Tess can sleep without me right now ‘you know that! # LIZ. Iknow. yaw: Low! And 'm aoceven upset about has bees “Tess needs ff ABBIE, love you. > yoy eth needs you...and I think thats pro Liz. Tknow. yout looking for ‘swith the kids And ahake ‘ABBIE. So much. ‘LIZ. T know. (Beat. Gittle beat.) Vn 1uld love for you to find ; sto Rly woul. Bu dnt nk thes ABBIE_ Well figure this ou, right? Well fgure this out. sooner aBht Mow. And I dont shine ges LIZ, (Sil burt; she wants to say "Yes," but the best she ca ABB is tha jue che way it goes, i) Tepl have bee gig this sf out for long tne E. Yeah, well, right now, I dont [i ies isto go.) All right. Well, I'm gonna go do iz eee oe ne eee a fh cause this is how we decided to is. ABBIE. No, P'lldo it. GRBIE. Yeal well, sometimes I hate the eee eakied todo} LIZ. Abbie! No! Tomorrow. Take tonight off and do it with me ie ° A tomorrow. LIZ, (Starting 10g.) Well, join the clu, ‘ABBIE. Lis me he tin someting de way LIZ, Abbie —tomorrow! ABBIE. All right. 'm sorry. : LIZ. Me, too. (She starts t0 go, [ABBIE. ‘Bur--jur so you kaow—we've ateady watched Tina Tadpole Goes to Copenbagen, and we're up to Tina Tadpole Goes o Istanbul now, s0... (Beat. Lis stops, gives Abbie a look. .and exits. As she does s0:) Et LIZ. (Vellng of) Caleb! Tes! Two minute warning! (Lighs fe on Abbie in the garage. Existential space vacieum soundimusioltnansition. And we move on to...) LIZ. the way we decided to do this al the same way, // so, we'll cal it even, ABBIE. No—Lia—wait Look se spel (She, 7 shoulders «lots int ber ees) Oh, my God em these 6sre extremely JAKE. T can't even bel EMILY. T know! This JAKE. How are youl, Hi EMILY. Great!. JAKE. Yeah, wha? EMIL ell umn — JAKE. Yeah. Work. EMILY. Wow. ese JAKE, Yeah, Fake de each ether) Oh Oh is [erazy]—yeahi! Wow '—Hill—What the heck. lieve [I'm scein, E 15/1 enaeyt 878 heel — low /7 are you2 |—What the heck // int isk / ate you doi! hee, > EMILY. (Confsedinrpriat ows actualy * shifted the division here, so Tera EMILY. Ob, Wome "tT, scaly JAKE. Yeah, an 66 ling themselves deeply attracted to each other. Emily tries to sap Seed) MILY. So how are you?!? > INE ‘Good, good! EMILY. Boy-—you look good! ‘Avs, thanks, s0 do yor EMILY. You do!, You look really good! > . Thanks — EMILY. God, have you been wor JAKE. A little, yeah, EMILY. God, “cause you didn't used to. JAKE, No, I didn’. EMILY. I know, and you shoulda! JAKE. Wall, Ido now! EMILY. I guess you do!, ‘Cause you look good, pal, mm, wow! JAKE, Thanks! And you're not lookin’ so bad yourself EMILY. Naw— JAKE. ‘No, seriously: You look amazing. Wow. (They are hot for each other. Bust Jake remembers that Emily isa married woman, and Enily remembers that Jake is a married man.) Silo > EMILY. Hey, how's Jennifer—? JAKE. how's Jonathan doin EMILY. Huh?—Oh!—Good! (She doesn want to talk about Jonathan.) > JAKE. Where were you guys on vacation? EMILY. How's Jennifer, Hows Jennifer? JAKE, Good!, (He docs want to talk abou Jennifer.) Where'd I] you ys go on vacation? EMILY. Td love co see her—and the kids? How do they like it hese? > JAKE, Um—well— EMLY, Oh—waie—are they here?l? > JAKE, Um—nope, nope. Where [did you guys go on vacation]? EMILY. Is this litle family outing to the SuperCenter? > JAKE, Um...nope— EMILY, Oh, Ii love to see them, meet the kids!, Where are they2!2, they're not here. EMILY, Oh, JAKE, ‘They're—um.. Jennifer and 1 are not together anymore, orJAKE, Were divorced EMI On rer JAKE, | (Boentualy geting ber lame jke,) Ob, yea “eg P 'm sorry! I didn't know, ‘ f iscomfartably.) JAKE. Yeah Wath ir wsct?! did know 1 dda enoyt TY. Yeah! MIE Oh Iter Po re i: JAKE. bt aes Funny and awful] i oe apy ou know what? Dont SMILY. Yeah! (And Jake and Emily are laughing i 3? Dont be. It was along viene comin’, soul lngh at such an auful tne. ‘An kenge meh te pie ll sght! | wont be usted save themselves from the auf silence.) Any/tway-— ’ eet bath of how bot choy ‘ugh into an awhward JAKE, So... .what brings you to the SuperCenter?!? - jhe guilty saves them, arn, eh vtberuaw | EMILY. Ohy you eas Lect ot know. The hotel listed the snily isa married woman.) “irl remembering shar Be | SgerCentet asan iraerrcte 500. 's JAKE. Oh. [That's weird.] EMILY. Yeah!, And P'm just checkin’ it ‘out, gettin’ myself some wine—I needed some wine—and they have wine here! In these nifty ele fout-packs! (She shows him the wine i her shopping cart) Jonathan iis...not with JAKE. Yeah! Nice! EMILY. Yeah, so—what about you?!? What are you doing at the SuperCenter on a Friday night?— // Lame, (Checking out his cart.) + She soruggtes to find the JAKE, Juer gettin’ some suf for the new phate] pees aande EMILY. Ferret food? JAKE. Yeah, I've go a ferret now. They're supposed to be great for JAKE. Ash So...don' be, EMILY. EMILY, Yeah, Jonathan ie JAKE. Oh, on 7 Companionship if you need...companionship, sae eh 1 EMILY. Oh. (Sad. Then, saving him.) Well, 1 didnt know you yy a sorry, I didn't ever ret es EMILy. Wall ua 2a know, could get ferret food he JAKE. Yeah, they have everything here! Outed ve Car accidene“freakat j EMILY, ‘Ye. Including your echusband! —Or your fst ex JAM Yeah, so. been dealing wich shan JAKE, Yeah, Or your fist exile asthe case may bel wn i Ee : EMILY. Yeah! (Beat Laughter into the reaization thatthe are pate he Fo get my head ¢ i tke rescues them. Jamewhere far away Eonotneie aster. Decided to just go jae ee Thi se ‘you here! JAKE i Srl just picked an island amt EMILY. Yeah! It’s kind of unreal! Exaiy vet foro) Em. 1/ Ts, 5030 JAKE, Um—YEAH! So...you know what? How ‘bout—a toast! i "ing.) Yeah. And the worst ‘ EMILY. What? Tate just abour to file for divorce #4 weirdest pare jg, JAKE, Yeah! I propose a toast. Can I [use your wine for the JAKE. Of, no, ia : toast]..? (He grabs a couple of her wine bottles) WHY. Mesh. And...then he did (Sed, the EMILY. Huh? Oh— sure. ch Was kind of a relief actually, (Trying ig gh 8 qeickly) JAKE. To you. (He rises open one of her litle bottles of wine and Nowe don have co get one (hangin 2 mth jake) becnige offs t 20 he) And me, (Fle twins open lite bottle of wine for ne hecpithty) imself) And...chance! (They elink and drink.) God what are 69

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