THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT Scene 1 Late afternoon, A single room in a residential hotel in Timer ‘Square. Botle. Adhnay. Underwear. Veronica is cleaning 1p. She talks on the phone, cleaning as she goes. VERONICA. Yeoh ... Um-hm ... Nah, Ma 'm listening Um just leaning .. Cleaning! "Cuz Jackie don’ clean, an I ike may shit dean, Ma — alright? U-hmo ... Umchmm ... Yeah, well, you lenow my opinion on that, Ma — you should dump his as. Ma =the guys an angry, bald, deadbext alcoholic ezook who looks like a fackin’ fish, Tm sorry! Yeah, well, 'm suze Ala the Han had his good points too, but that don’e mean I'd wanna shack up in his hut... Attia the Hun. You know, be was a Hun? ... A Hun, Ma, 11 Hun I dunno, a fcked-up guy fickin’ Hun. Tam speaking louder... Ie 'euz you drink too mach, you should’ do that — hold on a se. (She pos a line af blow and snort it) May let's alle in the morning ... Ma? ... Ma? Okay, look, forthe lat cime, my. opinion, you'e sill a good-lookin’ woman with a huge, lovin’ heart and you're not hard to please — clearly — but you'fe dating. a fuckin’ bigetime loser with a head lke a actual fuckin’ fish! (Okay, Look, please, alls Tm gonna say, Ma, when you see him ‘onight: Take a moment. Take a breath. Take areal good look and just ax yourself inal honesty — “Do | wanin fuck him — o¢ fry him up with litle adobo and paprika an’ feed him co fuckin’ Buster and Negrto, okay”. lave you to. 1 miss him too. Kiss Buster and Negrto for me. { gor your check for the cable on ‘Thursday, welll eat ice cream ... love you, okay . (eckie emer, swith flower. She hangs up.) Oh imy God ae those For me?! JACKIE. I dunno! These flowers are for my "Beautiful BoriquaTaino Mamacits Love Me Long Time Prine fakin! Beausy Queen Ae you my “Beutfil Borgas Taino Mamaca Lane Me ong Tine Pinca akin’ Beaty Gucen'2 VERONICA, tex Mis Man ~ 1m your ig, beaut, wher the fuck you just ald Princes Queen! JACKTE "Then I gues these your! And this chocolate ba and this low ike an hs ie ny Ry Bear that ps ash AND — Hold upl — AND thet two movi elt ose the ivi tha’ payingat the movie the later when we go the movie and et popeor and unr Mine and haere the ack dle you want ‘aur you's my fakin" “Beau Boia Ting anion ang ine Pines oe Spe Qe Uh bppen the nut member of th 95 le a working cl writ oe WRRONTER. Yu gor job JACKIE. Yo! Lemme lly something about he man you share 2 Bed of Love wi Whe he ty “Bab, 'm come home th job today * VERONICA, — The mother dels JACKIE. Lie Fad, tay VERONICA. Lam vo proud of ou! JACKIE. 1 chink Tm hyperventating? VERONICA. Me oo! JACKIE, Tg jb oa! VERONICA’ go you di TACKIE. Idi i beet of you, Veronica! VERONICA. Nuh bay, you dd ce you he fuckin’ MAN ~ thats why you di th shi JACKIE ain noche MAN — a det 1AM icin’ MAN — but is beat of yo, Verona cu you wanna know wh) it fF VERONICA. Wiye JACKIE. Bae in his bsg ow and ene show you why! VERONICA... Lemme shoves fist JACKIE. dn‘ care abou thas VERONICA. But Ivana showe JACKIE. Buc ike ike a VERONICA. uci be quick JACKIE. love you, Veronica Bet.) 8 VERONICA, Lemme shower, stoopid. Beat) JACKIE, Veronica? VERONICA. Yeah? JACKIE. Why you gets all in over there? VERONICA. Van's gec missy whe my’ an warms my hear? JACKIE. Nab yeah, you could get mis VERONICA. You're sobes You ot ajob, You got me litle fuzzy bear dae gripe a shit wha I can get misty Tm fein te tha JACKIE. Nah, yo, mist away —I'm god with dat YERONICA im gonna goo Cael er we ish or bus ness and I'm gonna get yous Tucia cake, baby JACKIE. Yeu? VERONICA, A bigas Wally The Whale cake wi? chocolate and Sprinkles and icing and Carvel goodness and Carel love all pin it JACKIE. Take a shower, mani — "cuz I'm seady to do work! VERONICA. Oh yeah? : JACKIE: Yor When Im dane wit that x, tha as gonna levitate thief off the macres! And you gonna be ike, Yo, Jaci: Why te and my as latin’ the a Like cig?” And be ike — VERONICA. Told dat thoughe Tl be back in «minute (ernie ex othe shower) JACKIE, Oh And yo, dda’ even tell you about the best pat VERONICA, Did you tell your RO. yer JACKIE. Whaw VERONICA” Your parle offices you tld im about your job? JACKIE, Yeah He told me, "Wha wane? A medal for doing Ive you'e supposed to be doing?” — but | could ell his as was VEROSICA,...'m gen’ inthe shower now. JACKIE. Oly”. Can you best me VERONICA. Ams. Jake sip. Gein bed) JACKIE. Yor the bo pure ates avancomentThis guy Veronica IA pes shee ele mej ke one human being to anther, Veronca Hew me, "We only go vo rales here Be pole tote tenants and be put ach oe” Aad thought pout and was lke, "Tae ate good sls, sic and hen he was Ht“ eno Sat Monday = And ar ef was ke, "Tha motheuces was gh Cat ely if oo shor ye ow” Why shoul’ weal be ni, or alas, Ya 9ae hat nd canine He pcs op he know? As! yo — carer advancement! IF hook this upright, these people gor lke fve buildings. I could go from porter to maybe even A super cuz T already got che repair shit dawn, and then you ge ree fen and cable nd re ie Tere fo ie fs and Lion benefits — and they gora stong-ss union — and anyay, | ‘carted thinkin’, Veronica, ya know, and I sarted makin’ plans, you know Like — grown-up plans, lke “you and me” plans, happy plans, like, "next step" plans, Veronica youknow like how youbeen ‘hat and sift. Beat. He looks aroun he room. Then goer back tthe bed. He smells the sees and pills. Beat. Veronica enter fom ont the shower. She lok goad and she knows it) VERONICA... Hey JACKIE. Fley. (She moves towards him) VERONICA. 1 look good, right? JACKIE, Um. Yeah VERONICA. You had to think about i? JACKIE. Nah, VERONICA. ".. What? JACKIE. Um.” Was someone here? VERONICA. No. Why? JACKIE. Nab, just... Nobody was here? VERONICA. I choughe I jure anewered that. JACKIE. Um... Wassup with the hat? VERONICA. Whar hat? JACKIE, ‘Thac hat over there. That man hac that ain't my hat thar’ ight over there, VERONICA. Dass not your hat (Pause) JACKIE, «.. Anything you need co iy? VERONICA. ‘Bout what? JACKIE. You don’t need to say nothin’? VERONICA. Jackie — JACKIE. — Don’t “Jacke” me, okay? fm cal, I'm civil, Pm polite ‘VERONICA. ... And? JACKIE. You know my mother gave us this bed, right? VERONICA, Ifyou go something ray. why donc jus ve yout fackin’ mother our of ie and say what you goes JACKIE. The hat Ieaint min VERONICA. So? Is prolly your fiend’ Or your fuckin’ sponsor's, 10 (Or whoever the fuck ele comes phere sometimes — that old man down the hall you always got coming che fuk by. [don't know, JACKIE, You don's know? VERONICA. You know what? Go fuck yourself I don't know ‘what your problem is, and I don’e know why you're buggin’ che Fuck out over a hat could belong to anybady — JACKIE, — You're eight. VERONICA. T know I'm fuckin’ right — JACKIE. Fuck the hat VERONICA. Fuck the hat? JACKIE. Dass what I sid. Fuck che hat VERONICA. Good. Fuck it JACKIE. Das right The bat, fuck it VERONICA. Olay then. JACKIE. ‘That hat’ Dass a har I got no interest i. VERONICA. How about my apology now? You got any interest in tha? JACKIE. The bed VERONICA. The bed what? JACKIE. AquaVeva and dick, Why the bed smells like Aqua Velva and dick? Huh’! Why? ‘VERONICA. Jackie — JACKIE, — Stay away from me! VERONICA. You're crazy, you know that? JACKIE, Tm ctary? Yo, bead of the bed: Aqua Velva! Mid bed: fuckin’ dick! Here. Smell. Smell that shi and cll me i ain't dick! VERONICA. You're acting fuckin’ retarded — JACKIE, Maybe am retarded! Maybe I'm fuckin, you know — like the guy from the bodega who sts on the mill crate and asks youif you like Batman and Ric: Crackers evry fuckin’ day! Maybe Thm that fuckin’ guy VERONICA, You ain’ ke hag : JACKIE. — "Cuz I'm trying very hard not to leap o conclusions, ‘Veronica, bc I'm a bit — I don’t know — unable to figure the fuck out why this bed — may motherfuckin’ bed — VERONICA. — Again with your fuckin’ mothe JACKIE, —You watch your mouth about my mother— VERONICA. Watch my mouth about your mother? No. YOU watch my mouth ebove your mothe! Fuck your mothed! Okay? Fuck your fuckin’ bitch ass mother, and her bitch-ass big del second nhand bed and fick her btc-ss om, okay! If your mother — reat in pace — was here ight now, strap om a fuckin’ ido dnd fick the evo of youe righ in you lite fgg as le-bonie Se, you lide ich bch oye "Over, he end. done ike you mo more!" Gee the Fick out (Vrmiego te he ble doer Te of os) TACKIE. My sponsor old me ou wee le facia whore and Ides ble hn VERONICA. Fick your sponsor JACKIE. tol him, "Nab, man, we got «speci shing gon down between us"— Peer Bee VERONICA. Why don’ you go down on your Ruck sponsor, ly? JACKIE. He wid, You cn’ ve with an active wes” — VERONICA, — Hey! don hear hs shit JACKIE. Who wast VERONICA. Go lick your spooso's faci’ ball, bitch, JACKIE, You know wha? You anna fp the ie on me ike a ‘ebook fick’ coleead loka cea? dala ik, ds Fine—but rong) sages that you dn’ underestimate my capac. i fox wile! mi perder andres tend fi) VERONICA. You wants play Try me! JACKIE. I fuckin Tl you: Yu think {won kl you eu Fn 2 ice guy, bu belie me, don give a fac about thin’ right tow and il nd out ie ke you jut ended ned VERONICA. You say away from ne! JACKIE. Or wha? You gonna it me with tha VERONICA "Back the fuck off bitch dons play hat doormat punching bag hi — JACKIE® Who wat i? Js el me who, dal wanna nowt VERONICA. Who was who! There wan't no “whos ur no ne did nothin’ over here, and you're out your mind playin fuckin Sherlock Holmes eur don't know why! Want Jacig —> ‘tars dreving) Wha. doing? (Sen vaya doing? (Silence. Jackie sakes a liguar bottle from out of the microwave oven.) Whaddya doing? Whaddya — gonssa drink? A linde misunderstanding happens because you're fuckin’ scupid, and now you're gonna pick up a drink and get yout ass violated buck upstate and ruin everything ‘cu you're 2 jealous maniac with no leg to stand on? JACKIE. Ic was that motherfuckah downstairs, wasnt i@t That rmotherfuckah with the hat! He aways weating a at, and now, sud- deny, [got an unidentified fuckin’ hat siting on my breakfast table! VERONICA. Jackie, don’ get his rvisted ‘cuz I personally don't care what you do, but, if you want my advice, put davn the bottle, {go toa fuckin’ mecting of something, meet up with that “sponsor for whatever, JACKIE. You so lucky T don't hie women, VERONICA. Yeah right, I'm 2 four-leaf clover, le’ go down to the casino and win a million bucks — JACKIE, — Make jokes. Jokes ae funny VERONICA. — Jackie — JACKIE. — Don't look at me! VERONICA. I'm lookin’ at you — whaddya. gonna do2! T'm Fackin’socry thas you jumped to conclusions and had « conniption ‘over nothin, okay? And maybe I overracted because you questioned iy integrity — JACKIE. — Questioned your inteprigy You ficked some mother- fucker inthis bed, Ronnie! There's blow and vodka and cigarete buts “nd you didn't think I'd be home so soon, and the mothesuckah left his ha ike motherfucking Zor leaving his “Za ver the scene of the crime! Dass what happened! Fucking ocurred here! And all'm asking — in a wodld where murder right here and now would be fackedl up but understandable — All 7p asking for isthe owner of thar dick! I wane the owner! Tall me! Best.) VERONICA, Oley. You keow what? place, okay? JACKIE. Whae! VERONICA. Cilla! Look, let's just go there, t the pie place, and well have, lke, some pie, and well jus lke, alk, of aot even tal, wel jase ext pe fist and be. And after chat, well alk You have gor this wrong, Jacke, You're so fat out of line you're like in Zimbabore ot some shit, but think maybe cooler heads could prevail on both our parts atthe pie place, sole’ just go there. I'm ‘willing to do that Tm willing o pu the ghetco on hold and eat ‘ome fuckin’ pie with you if you're willing to entertain the notion thar you're a fuckin’ retard exccon who almoet blow it cur yous got ain imagination like — I dunno — Dr, fuckin Seat an shit, Oxy? (eaues He searches her ej) JACKIE. But you're ying Let's go to the pieSearage atte ne dng wg ay wy cae wemirameeeel orca” ea ett ona mt Tinea ea cocina nnn socal eyes bte Se iayeta Okay? (A Beat.) Se oe JACKE Pe. shee Seene 2 A couple of hours later A ving rom in Hels Kchen, There ‘are posters of vtaminsand matren rupplementson the wal. Ding ry ced marin beg eenceee cae JACKIE. — Right in my face shed! RALPH D, Sicdown, man JACKIE, | meon i migh sound stupid vo you bu thar was our sec plac ht ploy re na he ne in “Tim sous —~ thee was a seni co wen we sed wo go thee you don' know. it was lke, “When ts pic, don't i nd she It ied the fuck allover RALPH D. Pies and is. Gor ic Now si JACKIE. Tm relingyo I nea a ack’ gun, br! RALPH D. ‘Tis off you need a calm down JACKIE. fim aim RALPH D. ‘No, not “Jack cl, Higher Power calm. JACKIE. I'm can. Realy Tm ey cm RALPH. Calm enough pay with me 4 JACKIE, Pray RALPH D. Pray. Yes. You remember prayer, ighe That itl thing ‘we do that saves our as8 when we're about 0 lose our minds over rothing ewentyfive times a day? JACKIE. Bro — I already prayed. Like, 2 lot, kay? RALPH D. So pray again. Right now. Or ge the fuck out. Hows tha JACKIE, ... Fine, (They joie hand) "God — Hello agin .. You ‘may remember that I steady prayed co You like 57 fc’ times fon my way over here —" RALPH D. Stop messing around, JACKIE. Fine. "God, Fm here at Ralph’, I didn hill anybody or pie up a drink, so, chank You ... seriously... chank You." (To Ralph) Okay? RALPH D. Say amen, JACKIE, Amen. RALPH D. Good. Thank you. Now: Did you read page 449 in the big book lke T suggested? JACKIE. 1 did. RALPH D. Did you journal about JACKIE. Bro, | hear you, and no, 1 didn’t journal, but Idd read it, and I plan to journal, lie soon — RALPH D. Hold up... (Calling te the kizchen.) Sweetie, could you blender up my sponsce a nice nutritional beverage, please? VICTORIA. (Offeage.) Go fuck yourself, Ralph! RALPH D. Olay, honey, I'l do tha. (Te Jackie.) Anyway, where JACKIE. Lovas arin’ could your cousin Philly get mea gun pleas. RALPH D, Big book. Third edition, Page 449. It sys what? JACKIE. .., “Acceptance.” RALPH D, That right. “Acceptance” what? JACKIE, Acceptance — it's the answer. RALPH D, No, Iesays,“Acceprance isthe answer tall my problems today” And what day are we concerned with here? JACKIE. Ralph, man, Funderstand tha shit like in theory RALPH D. les nota theory. “The Lone Gunman,” tht’ a theory. “Dinosaurs invented waterfalls” — that’s another theory. program, Jackie its a practice — not a theory. How's it been working for you so far) JACKIE. Yea, man, prey good: 5