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Kathy McCoy Ph.D.
Complicated Love

DIVORCE

7 Important Truths About Divorce

After a Long Marriage
2. The biggest risk factor: Having been divorced before.
Posted September 25, 2018 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

When an older couple divorces,

perhaps after many years of
marriage, theories and rumors may
swirl around them as extended
family, friends, co-workers,
neighbors, and casual
acquaintances all struggle to make
sense of the split.
Source: Sirtravelalot/Shutterstock

Not long after a lifelong friend of

mine left his wife of more than 40 years, a mutual friend was quick with
assumptions and questions. “Are you going through a belated midlife crazy?” he
asked. “Is there another woman? Are you getting a red sports car?” And he
laughed uneasily, amazed that our friend, a devoted family man, would do such a Divorce Essential Reads
radical thing on the verge of turning 70.

My dear friend wasn’t laughing as he thought later about our friend's comments 5 Great Reasons to Get a
Divorce
and the stereotypes these embodied. “I’m sure there are some older divorced
guys who do fit the midlife crazy stereotype,” he said quietly. “But my take on it
An Open Letter to
is this: You don’t leave a marriage of four or five decades on a whim or for Therapists About Your
anyone else. My wife and I were unhappy for many years, but we loved our Divorcing Clients
children. We also loved each other for a very long time. We tried so hard. I left
only when I realized that my life was at stake — that the stress of our Divorce: 5 Good Things To
unhappiness together was killing me slowly but surely.” Know

Communication Tips for

There is a long list of things that people supposedly know about gray divorce: Divorce—Even If
that the rate of those over 50 who are divorcing has doubled in less than 30 Communication Failed in
Marriage
years, that such divorces happen in the wake of midlife craziness or after the
nest has emptied or that only those rich enough to start over are willing to risk Why Women Are Much
More Likely Than Men to
divorce later in life.
Initiate Divorce

But according to some recent studies, the facts about gray divorce are
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somewhat different.

1. The gray divorce rate has doubled since 1990, but is still less common
than divorce among those under 50. Many couples of our parents’ generation
white-knuckled it through decades of unhappiness rather than endure the stigma
of divorce. The Baby Boomers, who started turning 50 in 1996, haven’t been
quite so reluctant to divorce — either in youthful or mature marriages. That may
explain, at least in part, the increase in gray divorce. In 1990, 5 out of 1,000
married people over 50 divorced. By 2010, it was 10 out of 1,000. But the
divorce rate for those over 50 is still less than half the rate for those under 50:
Just about one in four divorces in 2010 involved couples over 50.

2. The biggest risk factor for gray divorce is not a life transition (like an
empty nest), but one’s marital past. According to a recent study, those who
have been divorced before are more likely to divorce again, and those in
marriages of shorter duration are more likely to divorce. Baby Boomers have
aged into the gray divorce zone, having been more likely to have divorced in
their youth. For those over 50, the rate of divorce for those who are in
remarriages is 2.5 times higher than for those in first marriages. And those in
remarriages of less than 10 years duration are nearly 10 times more likely to
divorce than those married 40 years or more (28.6 divorced persons per 1,000
versus 3.2 per 1,000).

3. Relative wealth can be a protective factor against gray divorce. This goes
Find a Therapist
against a long-held belief that a lack of resources keeps many unhappy couples
Get the help you need from a
together. While many of us have seen couples who can’t afford to divorce or therapist near you–a FREE service
even to live apart, studies of gray divorce show that those who divorce are less from Psychology Today.

likely to have college degrees or to be working. One study stressed that

City or Zip
unemployment not retirement was present in many older divorcing couples. It
may well be that the financial stresses of job insecurity and unemployment can
tear some midlife marriages apart. It may also be that more affluent couples have
more to lose in a divorce, or that the absence of financial woes can keep a less-
than-ideal marriage viable. It may be, too, that those with more resources have
more options — options like marriage counseling or building essentially separate
lives with busy work schedules.

4. When a long marriage ends, the seeds of the marital failure may have
been sown decades before. As my dear friend contends, long marriages rarely
end on a whim.
Cities:
One client, a man who left his wife of 32 years after falling in love with a work
Atlanta, GA Minneapolis, MN
colleague, says that his move was less impulsive than it looked. “I married the
Austin, TX Nashville, TN
woman I was supposed to marry when I was young,” he told me. “We shared the
Baltimore, MD New York, NY
same faith. Our parents were friends. That was about it. We never did connect
Boston, MA Oakland, CA
that well emotionally or intellectually. And especially after the children were
Brooklyn, NY Omaha, NE
grown, I dreaded coming home. My getting involved with someone else was a
Charlotte, NC Philadelphia, PA
symptom, not the cause, of my marriage falling apart.”
Chicago, IL Phoenix, AZ
Columbus, OH Pittsburgh, PA
THE BASICS
Dallas, TX Portland, OR
Denver, CO Raleigh, NC
The Challenges of Divorce
Detroit, MI Sacramento, CA
Houston, TX Saint Louis, MO
Find a therapist to heal from a divorce
Indianapolis, IN San Antonio, TX
Jacksonville, FL San Diego, CA
For other couples, a festering resentment or issue unresolved for decades may
Las Vegas, NV San Francisco, CA
be at the heart of a late-in-life divorce. “My husband and I were happy together
Los Angeles, CA San Jose, CA
until he got a job offer that required a cross country move,” another client told
Louisville, KY Seattle, WA
me. “I deeply resented that move, even though I went along with it and made
Memphis, TN Tucson, AZ
friends, raised our kids, and experienced some happy times in that new location.
Miami, FL Washington, DC
Still, even though we ended up back in our hometown after some years, I
Milwaukee, WI
couldn’t stop thinking about how my life would have been so much better if we
had never moved at all. And the anger and resentment between us just grew
over time until that’s all there was.” Are you a Therapist? Get Listed Today

5. Kids struggle with the reality of a parental divorce, whatever their ages.
While many couples stay together until the children are grown, divorce is tough
on kids of any age and can negatively impact parent and adult child
relationships. One study found, for example, that adult daughters may tend to
blame fathers for a gray divorce, and that changing family dynamics — like newly
divorced mothers becoming more dependent on their children — also can
negatively impact parent and adult child relationships.

“I think you always hope your parents will stay together, no matter how old you
are,” the 42-year-old daughter of a gray divorce told me. “You think that if
they’ve managed to put up with each other all these years, they could just keep
on doing that. I mean, for the sake of their children and grandchildren and the
life they’ve built together.”

6. Grief can linger long after a marriage ends, even when both agree that it’s
better to part. After an older divorcee begins to get past some of the anger that
propelled him or her out of the marriage, that person still may grieve what was
good — even if there’s no inclination to go back.

“I really believe I would be dead if I hadn’t left six years ago,” my dear friend told
me recently. “I don’t imagine ever going back. Still, I grieve what could have
been. Our grandchildren have all been born since our split, and it would have
been wonderful to enjoy them together rather than separately. I miss the family
togetherness even though both my ex-wife and I are healthier and happier
apart.”

7. There can be positive outcomes to late-in-life heartbreak. Sometimes

improved health and happiness in a new and different life is the positive ending.
Sometimes the relief and peace of ending a tumultuous relationship is its own
reward. And sometimes finding love again is the positive result of a painful
process.

Many years ago, a college friend I’ll call Jenny broke up with her high-school
sweetheart Mike, because her parents strongly objected to his Catholicism.
Jenny and Mike were heartbroken, but moved on with their lives. After college,
they both married and built families and lives with other people.

They reconnected more than 40 years later — after his wife died, and she had
divorced after a long and troubled marriage to an emotionally abusive alcoholic.
A year after rediscovering each other, they married and recently celebrated their
seventh wedding anniversary.

“Who could have guessed, after Mike lost his beloved wife to cancer, and when I
went through a stressful divorce after a long marriage, what happiness awaited
us?” Jenny says now. “We don’t look back with sadness or regret, we just live in
our present happiness. Each day of our lives is a blessing.”

Facebook image: Sirtravelalot/Shutterstock

References

Susan L. Brown, et.al. Age variations in the divorce rate: 1990-2010. Family Profiles,
NCFMR, FD. 12-05.

Lin, I-F, Brown, S.L., Wright, M.R. Antecedents of gray divorce: a life course perspective.
Journals of Gerontology 13, Psychological Services and Social Services: 1022-1031. August
14, 2018.

Brown, S.L. and Lin, I-F. The gray divorce revolution: rising divorce among middle-aged
and older adults 1990-2010. Journals of Gerontology, Series B, Psychological Services and
Social Services, 67, No. 6: 731-741. October 9, 2012.

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About the Author

Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. is psychotherapist, journalist, and speaker

and the author of books including We Don't Talk Anymore:
Healing After Parents and Their Adult Children Become
Estranged.

Online: Dr. Kathy McCoy, Facebook

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