Ah, guys I can't bear it anymore. I'm upset about it but it's sort of different.

I don't know, I kept my mouth shut in order not to voice my unending disappointment
but I can't seem to keep quiet about it.
I keep seeing things about how disappointing it must have been for them, y'know?
And honestly I know that feeling myself.
I don't know why, but this whole thing keeps reminding me of this one song I really
like.
It makes me think about how the kids must have felt after working so hard but
getting little to nothing in return.
The lyrics really hurt lol.

I want to work hard.

ahhh i want to talk about things i enjoy to others.

it's not fun talking to myself about these things anymore,
but it's not like i can beg for an audience either.
i've become too asahmed to do so, haha. is this a bit too much to share?
shall i get rid of it soon? who knows.

i kind of want to be selfish.

i want to throw tantrums too.
i want to be upset, but that's a childish thing to do.
too childish for a child? ridiculous...

i'll bite my tongue until I can't breathe,

but here and then i feel like my tongue completely disappears.
nothing, not even i, can hold myself back.
and that'll be the cause of my downfall.

what's wrong with you? wishing for such things

yet pushing it away as if you don't deserve it.
stupid wishes of mine, why do i desire so much.
i need to humbled, but my longing for love
becomes more restless every waking hour.

it's easier to type it out,

i'm not even opening my mouth
and yet you still refuse to look at me.

it's not like you're ignoring me either,

it's just you only come to me for the little things.
i wish i could let you know me,
but i guess that is not of much value, isn't it?

what am i so afraid of anyway?

why is it that when a small sign of uninterest makes me feel
like it's the end of the world?
am i still haunted by the scars that were once open wounds?

i should turn my mind off before

i cry myself a waterfall,
but i sort of just want to leave it on
despite the consequences.

i need to shut up or i'll ruin myself.

but i've already been ruined,
over and over again.

i say it's okay but i lie.

of course i do. i have to lie even if i want you to stay,
even if my heart aches.
so that i don't become an annoyance.
it hurts too much, but i need to keep doing it.
i'd rather cry than be alone,
yet this seems too lonely, doesn't it?

i've been fighting with myself about this for years,

but i'd rather keep two sides running rather than one.
both are too dangerous to be left alone,
but if they keep distracting eachother like that i'll be fine,
i just have to endure it. forever.

being true to myself is kind of hard,

haha. i'm being too dramatic.
i do everything to distract from it, sleeping helps.
yet every time i wake up the feeling returns to me.
there isn't anything permanent.

i am not alone, even though i get that,

this hunger for love won't stop growing.
i want to be swept away from the solitude i can't escape from,
i want to be saved from it like an idiot.
and it is that very desire that has come to burn me alive
if i am to properly breathe.

i feel like i've been traveling back in time.

back to when everything was bad for me.
this is becoming bad for me.
i don't know how to stop it.
this is the longest i haven't told anyone
in a single blow at all.
i don't know what to do anymore.

i feel as if i've stopped moving

amongst the people who are running past me.

if anyone sees this, what does love feel like?

if you think about being loved or cherished,
do you feel anything?
what's this feeling like? i miss it.

die die die die die die die die

die die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die die
i've had enough.
i hope this feeling goes away forever.
die.
go away.
i don't need you.

i miss you, who do i miss you so bad?

why do i need you? i hate you, you ruined me.
why do i still love you? god, this sucks!

i think the only difference between her and i

is the fact that they returned,
they returned and she was wanted.
she was needed back. but she said no.
i never got to make that choice, did i?

i can't find my phone.

fuck.
everything sucks.
i'm mad. i hate it here.

last night i had one of the worst meltdowns of my life.

i was tired, i was mad. i was exhausted. fuck it all.
i don't want to see her face. she's hard to love.