Saigrace brother I had no courage to write these all in nepali as I am weak on writing these

kinds of things with the correct byakaran so I hope you will help me to share the unwilled story
of torture survivor at the age of 15 to now at the age of 18.

At the age of 15, I met this man who was 30years older than me i thought he was a motivator
or supporter man because I never got the love of my father as my father never ever cared
about me since I was born I was all done by my mom I thought this man had a great heart who
will support me economically for my studies as I was so good on studies and I wanted to
continue it but because of financial crisis my mom being my single parents couldnot do
anything she was so helpless . I was abused for 5years in the tag using I am taking responsibility
of her studies. I was that man’s sex slave. Anything he wanted I had to do If I ever look at the
pictures of mine of past years there are lots of pictures I am smiling but I am dying inside. He
always told me I want smthg physically from you if I take care of your studies and told me not
to tell anyone and ask me if I feel good. He would sexually abuse me in my own room saying
your daughter and me talk about things we could never share to anyone before I tell her about
my family’s problems which I share to no one . my mom was so unaware about this all. It
became routine for him but the time I would deny to do what he says he would scold at me and
so many times even characterized me using bad words. I was a prisoner in my own house the
abuse got worse basically living like his wife I never tried to escape but I wish I did.! Decided to
ignore as I went to my colleges he used to scold at me saying you will be attracted to college
young boys and you will cheat on me I did not know how to react I was so numb my body failed
to coordinate with my brain I wanted to scream but all the screams were inside my own head. I
couldnot ask for help to anyone I was harassed groover and sexually molested. I never knew
what was happening I never talked about it to anyone as I was so embarrassed about myself I
thought that everything that happened was my fault and I did not know I constantly had
nightmares and I used to thought someone’s going to come from somewhere and tough my
body again and I will be powerless again. I became so aggressive that I started being angry with
everyone one every small things so that every friend of mine left I was all alone I used to be so
scared of men that if any friend of mine touched me unintentionally I used to be so scared and
angry that I used to fight with them.i kept on suffocating about this but still decided not to talk
about it. I used to say mom I am insomniac I cannot sleep why my life is not worth living mom I
have depression I am sick of my insecurities which eats me alive I cannot love myself no matter
how hard I try to iam miserable mom I wanna jump off this cliff the words I said to my mom
when I was 16 self love could never make a home in me selflove could never love me . 4cuts on
my wrist and 2attempt to murder has been my history the 4cuts on my wrist were treasures
which held thousand meanings it sure did but the pathetic one I always feel a hurricance inside
my heart . I spend my hours trying to glue all the pieces of myself. I am an empty shell of a
person pretending to be ‘me’ that I used to be. I couldnot take anymore I was always that
person who has trained a robot inside me who had no emotions I was dying inside I want to
help but I did not know how to ask I wanted someone to listen but I did not had the courage to
say out that loud. I used to think the things I have worked for everything will go in vain. Iwanted
to be heard and no one may face this . I pushed my mom back emotionally with my anger that
came from the rage of pain inside me I have been putting fake smile since 4years but now my
brain and heart said now you cannot survive it anymore I am just done carrying so much heavy
pain of. baggage in my life. But if I had to tell smthg to that man I would tell him , life is tough
right.? But it could be have easier if you werenot a part of it the tear of sorrow could never
have reaped hatred if you werenot a part of it.You are the aching part of my life .your touch still
shivers down my soul. Each time I tell myself that I am strong these things cannot affectme
anymore you come back and remind me how I couldnot move my body when you press it
against mine. You fucked my brain too that I fight with myself each day. That moment was
like hurricane in desert.it was like the dead bodies floating in flood though every moment
doesnot deserve to be remembered but there’s not even a day i remember this moment
and my heart hasnot burned or shivvered my heart. I waneted to scream but the
scaredness of the scarem of going outwhere.my body was bring hugged so unnecessarily
and on that moment without my consent i was being touched which cannot be erased if i
try to foget willingly. The person inside me was being empty i hadnot done done
anything to deserve that kind. My soul my happiness my breathe were taken just my cold
body and tears were left.I don’t even deserve to see my self on mirror lots of dreams are
scattered one by one i am a murderer of my own dreams as i walk in present i leave each
dreams of mine maybe my own eyes didnot wanted to remain witness murdering myself.