When thinking about my life, it’s a blur.

Wondering what I have learned from it

and what not to do again. I learned lessons throughout all my 18 years of living. I learned

them through family, relationships and just life itself. Life makes you wonder if you did it

right, or where things could’ve gone right, there is no in between with life. Even though

I’m only 18 years old, my life has barely begun, I’ve gone through so much for an 18-

year-old. I found out my mom had cancer when I was 10 years old. My dad left my mom

when I was 6. My boyfriend tried to commit suicide when I was 17. I was diagnosed with

depression and anxiety and tried to commit suicide when I was 18. For some reason,

thought it may not seem like it. These all tie together in certain ways. You never really

know what’s going on in someone’s life by just looking at them. You can’t judge

someone so easily.

This self-portrait is about my life and what I have been through and the lesson

from what I learned from them. It all started when I was 6 years old. I was sleeping in my

room when I heard my door open, it was my father. He woke me up saying he had to go,

he usually did this because he was a cop and worked at night, but this time felt different.

He was saying good-bye for a while. After my dad left, I didn’t see him for about a

month or 2. He try and call when my mother wasn’t around but that was rare. He then

called my grandmother, his mother, telling us he found an apartment where he would be

living. I finally got to see him again, but oh how he never understood how much I missed

him, but I was so angry that he left me and my sister and my mom a lone for so long.

Then again back then you don’t understand why parents break up, why one leaves the

house. It was always a mystery to me because my parents never spoke about it to me. I
still very much love my father, but I was so hurt when I found out he wouldn’t be living

with us anymore. That he would be living somewhere else, alone. I learned from this that

not everyone is always happy in certain relationships, even parents. It hurt knowing I

would never live with my dad again, but I finally understood, he wasn’t happy here with

my mom, and he deserved to be happy.

It’s crazy to think not even 4 years later, my life would be changing again. In

October of 2014, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it wasn’t good. Then

again, no cancer is but hers was aggressive. I had never seen my mother so weak and

strong at the same time. I remember her being at hospitals for months at a time, not being

able to see her because she was too sick to go near. I remember one day she came home,

and she had no hair, just a head scarf. I never asked what happened to her hair. I knew

she was sick; I knew she wouldn’t want to explain to me why she no longer had hair, she

never wanted to cry in front of me about her sickness, she wanted to appear strong for

me, and she did. This went on for 2 and a half years. Her cancer started to go away, of

course it never fully goes away but she was able to contain it, the doctors and everyone

helped my mother get better. In November of 2016, I was 12 years old, finally in middle

school, starting 7th grade. My mother’s cancer had finally been ridden of. She was better

than ever. Her hair started to grow back, and she was getting her strength back. She

became my mother again, and oh how I loved it. I missed seeing her every day and not

being sick. She taught me that no matter what, you can overcome any challenge in your

path. I believed this to be true, she beat cancer, she was finally better. She taught me to be

strong no matter the dangers in front of you. She was right. I followed her in her
footsteps, my mother helped me become the woman I am today. She showed me the right

way, and I could never be more thankful for her being here for me till this day.

My mother told me to be thankful for our lives. Life? I wondered. It is given to us

but can be so easily taken away, even by yourself. It’s scary knowing someone close to

you can be on this earth and then the next day, they’re just gone like that. My life flashed

before my eyes in this moment. I got the message no girlfriend ever wants to get. “I’m

sorry, I love you” Those 5 words replay in my mind every day. This part of life I never

truly do speak about, its more or less something I like to keep from prying eyes. When I

was 17, I got that text from my boyfriend, and I knew it could only mean one thing. I

knew for months he had been suffering from depression and anxiety, he made it seem like

it never bothered him, until this one particular day. I called him, rather more I facetimed

him after receiving that message. He was crying, in a way I had never seen before, I saw

his arm, dripping with blood. I was so scared, I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone

about the depression but this time I needed to. I woke up my mother, begging her to let

me go to his house, to make sure he was okay. That night he scared me, and what he

heard me say to him, I believe is what made him change his mind. In his mind all he saw

was hurt, what was hurting him, why he wasn’t good enough, but I believe once I said

something he realized how much pain he would leave behind if he did continue with what

he was wanting to do. He realized he had a family who loved him and would help him get

better. Ever since that night I still do worry about him, hoping he’s doing better than

where he was a year ago. He taught me something so important during this time, and it
was no matter how dark the world may seem, there’s still a glimpse of light in the

darkness. He is one of the reasons I keep fighting every day.

Like I’ve said before, life is extremely precious, you only get it once. I also

learned that the hard way, but this time with my own life. This past February I was

diagnosed with depression and anxiety, just as my boyfriend was. Mine was different

than his, he was able to overcome his depression but for me, I lived in my thoughts. They

ran my life. When I first got diagnosed, I tried to play it off like I didn’t have it. I did this

because its different when you think there’s something wrong with you and knowing

there actually is. For me it was a lot harder to not listen to my thoughts when I got

diagnosed, I realized there was something wrong with me and I wasn’t just crazy. Right

before I found out, me and the boyfriend broke up, then not even a week later, my friend

group from senior year of high school fell apart on me. I had so many emotions running

through me. I couldn’t take the feeling and the thoughts anymore, I also tried ending y

life. I sent my ex-boyfriend the same message he sent me. I think I sent it because I truly

didn’t want to die, I just wanted someone to help me. The message worked, he rushed to

my house and found me before I could harm myself farther than I already had. I was

rushed to the hospital, and I had stayed there for a while till I could be seen as though I

wasn’t a harm to myself. I was then forced to see a therapist. She helped me a lot, from

that point in my life I haven’t gotten a lot better. I have learned to not focus in on my

inner thoughts, how to block out any feelings that I may feel that may cause harm to

myself or others. This experience really took a turn on me especially since this time it

wasn’t my ex-boyfriend who tried to hurt himself, but it was me to myself. I think this
goes back to when I learned that life is precious and that we only get one. We don’t get

second chances. You must make each day count no matter what. You don’t know when

the next day will be your last.

With all this that has gone on in my life in the past 18 years, I believe I am a

stronger person overall. I lived, I loved, I learned, but most of all, I made each day count,

even after all I have been through. Each one of these stories I wrote about, they taught me

something. They taught me that life is too short to not be happy, even if it means putting

your happiness over someone else’s. I’m beyond happy to be alive and tell my story. I

have told many lessons through this, but I hope one does stick with whoever may read

this. Always remember to stay happy, live life to the fullest and to make each day count

because life is too short to being worrying.