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A SPIRIT FILLED MARRIAGE

INTRODUCTION

Being, and staying happily married today, seems to be the most difficult thing. This book sets out to
remind us that whatever seems impossible for man, is definitely possible with God.

The only things required of us are a willingness to follow God’s patterns and designs, and a humble
heart ready to actually DO what we learn there.

This is not a “quick read”, but rather a series of questions which scan, and challenge us to see if we
really are doing all we can, in order to comply with our Father’s will concerning marriage.

May it be a blessing that sets us free to love and serve Him with faith, hope and love. May
determination, and courage lead us up, and out of pain and misery. May we be astonished, surprised
and overwhelmed with joy, as we discover the unspeakably priceless riches of a marriage filled with
the Spirit of Christ.

Please read only one or two small portions at a time.

Try to answer the questions according to your heart, and not from a superficial 'glance' of the mind, or
an emotional "assumption".

All the scripture verses are from the Amplified Bible. Please take time to ‘look up’ the scripture
references as you go. The Holy Spirit may arrest you at any particular point, as He digs deeper into the
heart.

He is faithful to do a complete work as we give Him complete permission.

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 CHAPTER 1
A SPIRIT FILLED PERSON
In order to understand what a Spirit filled marriage is, we need first to know what it means for a person
to be Spirit filled.

The Spirit we are speaking about is the Holy Spirit. He is the third Person of the Godhead. He is
graciously given to us, so that we would be joined to the Father and Son, in our hearts for ever.
He is the One who works in us, to install within us a heartfelt, insatiable desire, to love and serve God
in every part of our lives.

If we are not consciously aware of being joined to God, and actively experience His Presence as He
leads us into willing obedience to His word, we are not connected properly.
We may have received the spirit of God, but He has not been given the right to control, direct or govern
us. We are still doing that by ourselves for ourselves.

We may have had “hands laid on us” in a church service at one time, and had someone pray for us to
receive the Holy Spirit. We may even have spoken in tongues and prophesied or moved in the gifts of
the Spirit. We may have loved the experience of His Presence and blessing. We may have enjoyed His
anointed atmosphere. We may have been greatly impacted by His touch and power, BUT...
If we then go home and continue to live in an atmosphere of chaos, upheaval, anger, anxiety and
continuous combat, we CANNOT say that we are filled with the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is calm, quiet, gentle, and submissive. He is humble and respectful, always magnifying
Christ and glorifying Him. He is not hard, harsh, sharp, controlling, or domineering.
He is loving, joyous, peaceful, patient and kind.

Questions:
• How is the inner atmosphere in our heart?
• Are we truly filled with the nature of the Lamb of God?
• Are we speaking in tongues, and busy with church things but still have bitter thoughts and
feelings constantly disturbing our peace?

Many "Christians" live as orphans, unaware of God’s loving rule and protection over them. They
always feel shut out, abandoned and rejected. They are continually offended, jealous and vengeful.

They have been church people, faithful to all the duties they think they should fulfil, and confident that
they know the Word, and pray often. The trouble is, that somehow, they have missed the GOD MAN;
Jesus Christ Himself! They have never seen His smile, felt His arms around them, or been humbled by
His requests for them to serve Him as He desires. They have never personally or privately, in practical
day to day life, been acutely aware of Who He is, or how He is in His interaction with them.

How could this possibly happen? Could this be what has happened to our individual lives with God?
Could this be the root of the reason why our marriages are miserable?

Questions:
• Is our relationship with the Book of the Bible or with the One who wrote it?
• Has the study of the Word, the Bible, brought us to a face to face, heart to heart encounter with
the PERSON WHO IS THE WORD? (Revelation 19:13)
• What are actually offering God as we stand before Him?
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 • Are we giving Him what He wants, or what we have considered right in our own eyes?
• Are our study time, prayer and worship songs, a substitute for faith, obedience, humble
compliance to His will in our thoughts words and behaviour?
• Do we know ourselves after the Spirit or just as ourselves, struggling to do better?
• What are we doing? And why?

To be filled with the Holy Spirit means that we agree to be completely emptied of everything we do to
save ourselves, defend ourselves, promote ourselves, or be who WE want to be.
It means to give up the control of our lives, thoughts, decisions and purposes, to Christ alone.
It is a total displacement of all we are, so that all HE is, can enter and literally TAKE OVER.

Romans 8: 8-9 says:

Those who are living the life of the flesh, catering to the impulses of their carnal (human) nature,
cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him. But you are not living the life of the flesh IF
THE HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD REALLY DWELLS WITHIN YOU, DIRECTS AND CONTROLS
YOU. BUT IF ANYONE DOES NOT POSSESS THE HOLY SPIRIT of CHRIST, HE IS NONE OF
HIS, HE DOES NOT BELONG TO CHRIST, IS NOT TRULY A CHILD OF GOD.

A “fleshly” person is still living only in their human nature with no connection to the Holy Spirit. He is
not consulted or communicated with. Their life line to God has been cut. They have no spiritual
breath within them. They have no power or ability to be a son of God.
Sons of God are only sons because they are led by the Holy Spirit (Romans 8: 14) (Galatians 4: 6)

Questions:
• Does the Holy Spirit control us?
• Did we give ourselves over to Him for Him to possess us when we received Him?
• What was the last thing the Holy Spirit directed us to do? Have we done it yet?
• Can we see that if husbands or wives are not REALLY owned, controlled or led by the Holy
Spirit, then God has no access to the marriage to bring it to life?
• Are we really given over to the Holy Spirit?
• Has He taken hold of us?
• Are we in the flesh, concerned only with self, not following the Holy Spirit?
• Will we return to life in the Spirit by humble submission to God’s arrangement and order?

We may ‘think’ we are right with God, but what is our behaviour saying about us?

Father, Son and Holy Spirit long to be welcomed by us, so that we can be safely centred in, and flooded
with Love. Will we allow it? (James 4: 5)

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 CHAPTER 2
MARRIAGE MADE BY GOD
God is our Father if we have allowed Jesus Christ to take hold of us. If we have submitted ourselves to
Him, He will make us His own. (Philippians 3: 1 2)
He will work within us to make us like Himself. He does this by the action of the Holy Spirit who lives
in our innermost being and personality. (Ephesians 3:16)

All this happens because of a heart connection that is alive and active within us, privately and
personally. It does not happen only because of a “salvation prayer,” prayed in a church service a long
time ago.
The true condition of our relationship with God can be measured by what’s happening between us right
now.
Our relationship with God is because HE initiated it.

➢ HE loved us first. (John 4:10)

➢ He chose US. (John 15: 1 6)
➢ He wanted US to be His own.
➢ He wanted us for HIMSELF.
➢ He called us to HIMSELF. ( I Thessalonians 5:24) (Colossians 1:13)

Questions:

• Did we think we were called to be wives, husbands, leaders, ministers of the gospel, apostles,
prophets, evangelists, pastors or teachers?
• Did we forget that our God, who is Love Himself, called us to Himself FIRST?
• When was the last time we heard His call to come to His heart so that He could love us and
draw our innermost being to communion with Him?
• We may have had ‘quiet time’ but who did all the talking?
• Are we trying to help our families, friend and spiritual brothers and sisters without first being
helped by THE HELPER the Holy Spirit? (John 14:16)
• Are we willing to stop, stand down, sit still & allow our Father to put FIRST THINGS FIRST?

The Book of Hosea gives us a picture of how God longs for His people to surrender to His love for
them. He yearns for them to understand that they are only safe in His protective Covenant if they
actively submit to His words and ways.
This picture still holds true today. Our God waits patiently for us to accept His terms and conditions.
(Isaiah 30: 1 8)

He sent His Holy Spirit into our hearts so that His power would dissolve our wilful stubbornness and
create in us a desire and ability to serve and obey Him. (Ezekiel 11: 19-20)

God wanted us to ‘take to heart’ this image of being joined (married) to Him in love, just as a
Bridegroom takes a bride to love and cherish.
We are not to run off in a romantic fantasy about all this. It is a SYMBOL. It depicts the ONENESS we
are destined for in God. He wants us to know that He betroths us to Himself. We did not attach
ourselves to Him.

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To betroth is an old word that means to be engaged to be married or to “espouse”.
It means to accept, to support, to take on as one’s own.

We see this in our own wedding ceremony when the minister asks the bride and groom "will you take"
this man, woman to be your lawful spouse?
God makes sure that we know He wants to take US as His own, according to His laws. He knew that
we would not be able to stay joined, married, one with Him by ourselves. He drew up a Covenant
that would ensure we are safe in Him forever AS LONG AS WE CONTINUALLY REMAIN in Him.

This means that we have to continually OBEY Him. Not just continually go to church.

He says:
I will betroth you to Me forever. Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast
love and mercy. I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness and you shall know,
recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, GIVE HEED T0, and cherish the Lord.
Hosea 2: 19-20

Questions:

• Can we see that the betrothal, (the joining) is dependent on righteousness?

• Do we know that it is only the Holy Spirit who can work in us to keep us in right standing with
God?
• Are we willing for Him to expose any area in our relationship with God which is not compliant
to His terms and conditions?
• Have we come to the conclusion that the Holy Spirit must take complete control, and that if we
are left to ourselves, we can only make a mess, and remain in opposition to Gods will?
• Do we know that God has betrothed us to Him? How do we know this?

It is God alone who can marry us to Himself. He alone can make us worthy to be married, (joined) to
Him.

If we allow Him to lay hold of us as His own treasured possession, then we can have hope and
confidence that we could be joined to another person in marriage. This is possible because it will be the
joining of two of God’s children, each submitted to God BEFORE they come together as man and wife.

A spirit filled marriage is the joining together of two of God’s children. Both man and wife are ‘sons’
of God. They are not simply 'believers', Christians, or church people.
Both are secure in their knowledge that they are loved by God because they OBEY Him first.
If two ‘orphans’ (people who do not have an inner conviction that they are loved and 'Fathered' by
God) try to be married, the only result can be misery and the violation of God’s law.

Questions:

• Are we sons of God?

• Are we obeying our Father?
• Do we have a spiritual father?
• If God says 'Be subject to ME' will we obey? ( James 4: 7)
• If He Says' Be subject to your spouse,' what happens then? (Ephesians 5: 21)

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Marriage is God’s idea. It comes from Him.
It is only possible by the power of the Holy Spirit in absolute control of both spouses. Marriage is FOR
God. It depicts the glory of men and women happily functioning in the will of God, in His love and
power. It is not ours to do with as we please.

It is not for the fainthearted, the careless or the rebellious!

If we see that there is something wrong in our marriage relationship, it is a sure indication that our
personal interaction with God our Father is not as it should be.

Let’s allow the Holy Spirit to lead us back to the One who designed our oneness with Him. He will
show us where the connection has become faulty and needs to be repaired by repentance and re-
alignment.
( John 1:6-10)

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 CHAPTER 3
HOW TO STAY MARRIED
The secret here is to emphasise the word STAY. We need to know what Father had in mind when He
said STAY.

The word for STAY in the Bible, is the word ABIDE. It is the Greek word MENO.
It means:
• To continue
• To be present continually
• To remain the same
• To not become different or another kind of person.
• To be held
• To endure, to last
• To have for your own.

We have seen that we can never stay married unless we stay joined to God individually, privately,
personally ourselves.

1 Corinthians 6:17 says:

"The person who is united to the Lord becomes one SPIRIT with Him.
We do not stay united to God firstly by Bible Study, prayer, worship, church activities, or any kind of
effort on our own part. (Ephesians 2: 9)
We stay joined, by submission, and the reception of all the love and power He pours out and into us
FIRST.
(Romans 5: 5) (2 Tim 1: 7)

After we allow Him to take us into His keeping, and tender presence, we can be guided to the portion
of scripture with which He wants to enlighten us. THEN we can know how HE wants us to pray.

This is the meaning of praying in the Spirit. It is not only speaking in tongues, but by submitting to the
Holy Spirit Himself as He directs our inner life with God.

To be married to God, does not mean that we are married to our beliefs about Him. It means that we are
one HEART with Him by the Holy Spirit.
We are constantly checking and scanning our lives, to ensure that we are walking in line with Him,
controlled by Him. (Galatians 5:24-25)

We listen for His voice. We ask what would please Him in each instance.
We keep watch, to see that nothing we do, think or say, would offend Him. (Philippians 2:12)

We do this NOT because we are governed by a' Rule Book’, but because His Person, (LOVE) has
captivated us. We are irresistibly drawn to Him, and are totally devoted to WHO HE IS.

We know Who He is, because we spend time waiting submissively, and silently in His presence. We
wait for Him to instruct and lead us by flooding us with Himself by the Holy Spirit.

We turn all our thoughts into conversation with Him, and direct all our attention to Him alone.
When He makes His word real to us, we run to carry it out in practical ways in our daily lives.
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As we obey, we prove that we love Him and He delights to make Himself real to us, and make His
home with us. (John 14:23-24)

We then can say we know Him in whom we have believed. (Timothy 1:12) (1 John 2: 4)

Questions:

• What is the condition of our union with God right now?

• Do we know what He has said to us today?
• Did we get our daily bread?
• Did we eat it?
• Did we do it?
• Did we do it willingly or with a grudging attitude?
• Are we 'up to date' with the Lord?

If we are willing to do an audit, or allow the Holy Spirit to shine the light of God’s truth on our
personal condition of heart, we can repent and return to His ways as we abandon our own.
In this way, we can be fixed, fitted and adjusted to be who God wanted us to be. We can stand
confident before Him as His Holy Spirit works on the inside of us.

When both spouses live this way, the atmosphere between them changes radically. Love appears where
fear and jealousy raged before.

When we made our marriage vows, we sincerely thought we could actually keep them. Like Peter when
he said that he would lay down his life for Jesus, he was convinced that he would and that he could.
- Jesus quickly informed him that he would not be able to do it. (John 13:38.) Peter's denial of Christ
brought shock, bitter tears, and grief (Luke 22:62)

When we realise that we are utterly unable to keep our vows to our spouse without divine intervention,
we are at the right place and position for the Holy Spirit to come and fill our marriages.

He sees that the enemy has come in like a flood. He lifts up the standard of Christ's rule against him,
and puts him to flight. A mighty rushing stream of God’s power and love, now breathes new spiritual
life into all that was loveless and lifeless.
(Isaiah 59: 19)

He does not merely bring good feelings! He installs a fierce hunger for the Word and Presence of God
within us, and we quickly humble ourselves before Him. (1 Peter 5: 5- 7)

Let’s look back at the meaning of the word ABIDE.

The only thing we can do in order to stay married to our spouse, is to remain vitally united in our hearts
to God Himself.
We can keep ourselves continually in His love and presence by constant communication with Him.
(Jude 1:24)
We can remain secure and stable if we allow the Holy Spirit to control us in everything.
We can be willing for the Holy Spirit to hold us in His leadership, as we practise our submission to
Him.
We can endure, continue, and last, because love never fails, and the love of God is poured out in our
hearts by the Holy Spirit. (Romans: 5: 5)

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In light of all we have said here, what is God asking of us as individual sons?

We find the answer in 1 John 2:24 & 27

“But as for you, keep in your hearts what you heard from the beginning. If what you heard from the
first, dwells and REMAINS in you, then you WILL dwell in the Son and in the Father always.
But as for you, the anointing, the sacred appointment, the unction which you received from Him abides
in you permanently, so then you have no need that anyone should instruct you. But just as His
anointing teaches you concerning everything, and is true and is no falsehood, so you MUST ABIDE
IN, LIVE IN, NEVER DEPART From Him, BEING ROOTED IN Him, KNIT TO Him, just as His
anointing has taught you to do”.

Just as the Holy Spirit came upon Jesus to enable Him to carry out Fathers will on earth, so the same
Holy Spirit is within us, to MAKE us able to remain in God as faithful sons, AND to be equipped and
empowered to BE and STAY married.

Questions:

• Will we sincerely apologise to the Holy Spirit for going our own way in our relationship with
God, and with our spouse?
• Will we ask for instruction all over again, and begin anew?
• Will we allow the faith hope and love to arise as we set ourselves to submit to Him?

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 CHAPTER 4
MARRIAGE: GOD’S LOVE ON DISPLAY
God made us. We are His choice. He loves to enjoy us, take pleasure in us, and to watch us as we are
completely fulfilled in Him. He delights in seeing US enjoying His purpose for us (Ephesians 1: 1-4)
It pleases Him to reveal His Son, Jesus Christ in us. (Galatians 1: 15-16)

It gives Father even more pleasure when a Spirit filled marriage puts Christ and His Body on display
for all creation to see and marvel at.
Jesus is the Bridegroom. His Body, the Bride, has no other desire than to be with Him, following His
lead, and being sheltered under His canopy of divine love and protection. (Isaiah 4: 5)

Jesus is the Lamb of God. We are the Lamb’s wife.

She has been permitted to dress in fine radiant linen, dazzling and white, for the fine linen represents
the right standing with God of the saints, God’s holy people (Revelation 19: 7- 8)
This is not speaking about a white gown that a bride wears on her wedding day, but rather the way in
which a spirit filled marriage union can display and radiate the will of God in an extraordinary way!

We know from Hebrews 1:3, that Jesus is the sole expression of the glory of God, the Light Being, the
outraying or radiance of the Divine, and that He is the perfect imprint and very image of God’s nature.
He upholds, maintains, and guides the universe by His mighty word of power. How much more will he
uphold, maintain, and guide our marriages when they are governed by the same might of His word?

Hebrews 1: 2 says that He made, produced, built and arranged the worlds, the reaches of space and the
ages of time.
In the same way, HE MADE MARRIAGE. HE PRODUCED it, BUILT IT AND ARRANGED IT IN
ORDER.

Questions:

• What is pouring out of our marriage? what is on display there?

• Does our relationship look different on Sundays in church than during the week?
• When people are around us as a married couple, what kind of atmosphere do they experience?

Let’s look at the way God arranged marriage to function in accordance with His counsel, will and plan.

He made, and loved, two parts of one "whole" picture. Male and female, husband and wife.
They are each equal in status, equally treasured and valued. They are both sons of God in their own
right. They each have a living, vibrant, dynamic relationship with God and then with each other.

The husband takes his nature and function from Christ, Who leads with love. The wife represents the
church, who trusts and follows willingly, knowing she is sheltered, protected, cherished, and SAFE.

The leadership role given to the husband by God is so that he takes responsibility for any decisions
made as the union goes forward in practical matters.
The wife's input and viewpoint are both taken into consideration, and valued as an integral part, but the
husband has final ‘say’.
This is not to demean the wife but in order to display the way Christ has final say over the welfare and
protection of the church. The Head leads the Body. Not the other way around.

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The Body of Christ has her glory in trusting in her Head, Jesus Christ. There is no fear here, only faith
and love.
If a husband, filled with the Spirit of Christ, submits himself to the word of God, brought to him in the
person of a ‘Christ centred’ spiritual father, he will begin to display the nature of Christ as he obeys the
instructions set out in God’s plan for him.
His wife will immediately sense in her spirit that her ‘head’ is now to be trusted and leaned on. He
proves that he is no longer living from the ego (self-side) of his personality but by the Holy Spirit.

Questions:

• Do we trust God?
• Do we accept His arrangement for marriage?
• Can we see that His arrangement can and will change the whole fabric of a marriage, if
complied with?
• Can we believe that the Holy Spirit can reverse and remove all traces of damage done by
marriages which have been empty of the Holy Spirit till now?

The Bible tells us that perfect love casts out fear.

Only God’s love is perfect. Ours is not. If our love has failed, we need to come to the Lord to be
realigned and re-filled with His unconditional love. Only this kind of love will be sufficient to
sustain a Spirit filled marriage. We have to humble ourselves to receive it, because none of us are
worthy of it. Even if we had a perfect up bringing and live morally good lives, we are far from
righteousness when the Lord measures it.

Only when we, as individuals receive this great and wonderful love for ourselves, in our own hearts,
can we then pour it out for our spouse.

Questions:

• Do we know that God loves people generally, but are not sure about His love for us personally?
• Will we draw near to Him and ask Him why this is?
• If He exposes a weak point in our development, will we allow Him to rectify it?
• Will we realise that what we ‘thought’ was ok, was actually fear and unbelief?
• Will we leave that way of thinking and 'being’, and turn away from its power over us?
• Will we put ourselves back under the power and control of the Holy Spirit instead?

There is no fear in love. Dread does not exist, but full grown complete, perfect, love turns fear out of
doors and expels every trace of terror. For fear brings with it, the thought of punishment. So, he who is
afraid, has not yet reached the full maturity of love, is not yet grown into loves complete perfection.
We love Him because He first loved us. (1 John 4: 18-1 9)

Love is not love unless it is God’s love. He loves each one of us. He loves our spouse and desires them
to receive, His unconditional love through US.

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 CHAPTER 5
FEAR FREE MARRIAGE

The Bible tells us that the Lord is the Spirit, and that where the Spirit or the Lord is, there is freedom.
(2 Corinthians 3: 17)

This freedom liberates us from fear because, when the Holy Spirit is really in control of us, we are
absolutely assured of our sonship in Christ. (Romans 8: 14-1 5)

If we are not actually doing what the Holy Spirit prompts or direct us to do, then we do not have this
assurance and we remain in fear, even though we may be reading our bibles and praying every day!

This fear is not experienced as an outward trembling, but a deep inner, unanswered question concerning
our status with God. Does He really love me? Am I really forgiven? Am I really His son?

Questions:

• Where does this fear come from?

• Why is it still being allowed to 'speak' or express itself?
• Is there any way out of it?
• Are we afraid of our spouse?
• Are we afraid for them?
• Are we afraid we will lose them?

We have to admit to God and to ourselves, that these questions are deeply painful UNTIL they have
been answered by the word of God.

When we open our hearts to our Father honestly and willingly, He quickly assures us of His love and
mercy. His grace will counteract and contradict all our wrong thinking and believing.
If we still live out of roots of rejection, it means that we have not yet received our sonship fully. We are
shut out of the perfect peace of God rest because of our unbelief. (Hebrews 3: 1 9)

When rejection rules us, we can only reject ourselves and our spouse. We reject the word and are
unable to accept the control of the Holy Spirit.

Questions:

• Do we realise that pride is the root of our unbelief?

• What would it be like to have no trace of rejection in our lives, minds or marriage?
• Will we stop our faithlessness as Jesus commanded Thomas when He said "Do not be
incredulous, stop your unbelief and believe!”? (John 20:27)
• Do we realise that fear disappears as the Spirit filled word comes to us by inspired preaching
and teaching?
• Are we listening to any of it?
• If we are, are we listening to it enough?

If fear has been allowed to live in a marriage, it festers underneath the surface, and sabotages
everything. There is no way forward because it has taken the place of love. Fear has dominion and
control in a marriage if one or both spouses are still centred in their thoughts, feelings and negative
memories.
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The effect of the Presence of God who IS love, instantly reverses this if we submit to Him, and obey
what He tells us.

Fear is fuelled when we focus on the faults, failures and shortcomings of our spouse. If we look away
from them, and look back to our Father who is calling us to Himself, then fear has already lost some of
its power over us.
"The Father has delivered and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness, and
has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of His love."
(Colossians 1: 13)

When we draw close to God, with the intention of obeying and believing Him, He welcomes us as a
son of His love. The dominion and control of fear simply dissolves. It cannot stand in the love God has
for His sons.

Let’s get back to God’s presence and allow Him to convince us beyond doubt that we are truly His
Beloved in Christ! (Colossians 3: 12)

Questions:

• The Teacher is close at hand, and is asking for us (John 11:28). Will we answer Him and accept
His invitation to be taught, rescued and restored?
• Do we see God as our Beloved, whose desire is for us? (Song of Solomon 7:10)
• Do we know that it hurts Him to see us living in fear when He has done everything in Christ to
set us free from it?
• Can we see that God wants our marriages to be fear free zones?
• Do we believe, that when each spouse is truly filled with the Spirit, it can and will be possible?
• Will we start with ourselves first?

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 CHAPTER 6
CHRIST IN US
When we gave our lives to the Lord, we were not simply ‘adding’ Him to the already existing structure
of our lives at that point.

To be born again, or 'saved' does not mean that we carry on as we were before, but that now we go to
church and do 'Christian' things.

To come to Christ, means that it is the end of 'US'.

It is not a 'shared' life. To receive Christ into our heart means that our lives and minds now became HIS
to do with as He pleases. We are no longer in charge of our lives, but HE IS!

When the jailer who had been guarding Paul and Silas asked what it was necessary for him to do that
he could be saved, they said "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ GIVE YOURSELF UP TO Him. Take
yourself OUT of your own keeping and entrust yourself into HIS keeping, and you will be saved, and
this applies to your household as well" (Acts 16: 30-31)

Galatians 2:20 says

"I have been crucified with Christ, in Him, I have shared his crucifixion. It is NO LONGER I who live ,
but CHRIST lives in me, and the life I now live in the body I live by faith, by adherence to, and
reliance on, and complete trust in the Son of God Who LOVED me and GAVE HIMSELF up for me."

Questions:

• After we were born again, did we allow Christ who owns us to completely take over?
• Are we still living with Christ in control some of the time, and us running things the rest of the
time?
• Is the state of our marriage 'speaking', to us about the truth of our hearts?
• Are we listening, or are we still in denial?
• Do we still assume that our spouse has serious 'issues' and needs to be fixed or get counselling?
• Would it surprise us to discover that the things we find hardest to bear in our spouse, are
actually the very things that we ourselves are doing?
• Are we ready for the Holy Spirit to show us what really is happening and what is needful?

If the marriage has become weak and sickly (I Corinthians 11:30), it could be because we have not
recognised that our spouse is truly part of the Body of Christ. Somehow, our differences and opinions
have blinded us to the fact that Christ Himself is alive and active in our spouse.

The Holy Spirit is actively at work in us right now, to remedy this, and to bring strength and new life
from God Himself to infuse new supernatural power into our marriage. He is healing it from spiritual
sickness. He is raising it from the dead!

In the context of a Christian marriage, this means that the understanding of what it means to be saved
has to be re-established. Each spouse has to realise that the other belongs to Christ before they belong
to them.

Each has to look at the other and make sure that they know who they are married to!

15
No matter how immature or undeveloped we are, we are still sons of God who are inhabited by Christ
Himself. Our spouse is specially chosen formed, equipped and placed in the Body of Christ by God
Himself,
It is not for us to judge or disapprove of God’s handiwork! (I Corinthians12: 4- 6) (Ephesians 2:10)

Each spouse is still in the process of being formed in to the full image of Christ, We are all still in the
hands of the Potter, still being pruned by the Vine dresser, still being molded and squeezed into shape
by the word and Spirit of God.

Questions:

• When we look at the way Father has treated us in our slow and painful maturing process, can
we see His patience, compassion and unfailing love for us?
• Are we embarrassed when we think of the things we did, and said, in contradiction to His Word
and nature?
• Are we eternally thankful that He has forgiven us, and set Himself to never remember our sins?
• Are we relieved to know that He has reconciled us to Himself and received us in to His favour
when we received Christ?
• Are we deeply moved by the fact that He does not count up and hold our sins against us, but
that He cancels them, and brings us into restored fellowship with Himself? (2 Corinthians 5:19)
• Has He done all these things for our spouse too?
• If God loves, forgives and delights in our spouse, why is it that we cannot or will not?

No matter how our spouse 'looks' to US, they have Christ in them, and as such, need to be respected,
considered, and honoured. (Ephesians 5:21)

Both are required to honour Christ, by honouring His choice of their spouse as God’s choice. He called
them to Himself, He Loves them, He is forming them. Dare we judge, condemn and demean them
because we feel we are not being treated the way we expected we should be?

In the same way, for a marriage to be saved, it has to be given to God, for Him to inhabit and control as
His own possession. It has to be taken OUT of our keeping. (We only made a mess or it anyway).

It has to be entrusted into HIS keeping. It has to be no longer about which spouse is ‘right’ He ALONE
is right, and HE ALONE is ‘submitted to’ in all things.

When we are subject to each other out of reverence for Christ, we are not idolising each other or doing
everything the other may demand.
We see our spouse “after the spirit and not after the flesh”. (2 Corinthians 5:15)

This means that we see them as God does, and we respect, and enjoy their developing spiritual
personality, and we continuously forgive the frailty of their 'self-life' which is still being dealt with by
the Holy Spirit.

When our view of each other is no longer from a ‘human standpoint’ we can begin to see and treat
them as God does, with love, acceptance, forgiveness and unlimited patience and kindness. We become
gentle and humble. We realise the greatness of the gift we have been given in the person of our spouse.

We are convicted by the Holy Spirit as we realise how badly we have behaved towards the 'Christ
filled' son or daughter of God that we are married to.

16
Our pride, resentment, unforgiveness and bitterness come crashing down, and we are then at the point
where a dead marriage can be made into an entirely new creation. Christ can now raise it!

"Therefore, if any person is ingrafted in Christ, he is a new creation. A new creature altogether. The old
previous moral and spiritual condition has passed away. Behold! The fresh and the new has come!
(2 Corinthians 5: 17)

In the same way, God now comes to totally reform a broken and failed marriage IF we allow Him to
take over what was rightfully His in the first place! We took hold of it, used it for our own needs and
then drained it of all life and love, because the Holy Spirit had not been given first place.

Father, who has been patiently waiting for us to bring our marriage back to Him, runs towards us in
unimaginable mercy. He embraces both spouses as one, and re-mantles us. He re-clothes us in His own
nature. He puts a new signet ring, (a new wedding ring) on us that binds each spouse to Him first and
THEN to each other. He puts new sandals on the feet of our marriage, and enables it to walk in a
completely different direction.
We now, (as one unit), walk towards Father, and no longer AWAY from Him, or away from each
other. (Luke 15:22)

Questions:

• If Christ in us, is the hope of glory, (Colossians 1:27); can we begin to trust the Holy Spirit to
glorify Christ in the midst of our marriage relationship?
• Christ must be Lord in each spouse, so that the other can actually see proof and evidence of it.
• Are we ready to begin?

When both spouses are truly emptied of self, and reliant on the Holy Spirit for every thought word and
action, then Christ will be within and among us as He longs to be. Will we give Him the right to do it?

For Christ to be Lord of each spouse, and then Lord of the marriage, He must be allowed to tell us what
to do, and how to do it.

➢ What is He telling us to do first?

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 CHAPTER 7
WALKING IN LINE WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT TOGETHER
Galatians 5:25 Says:
"If we live by the Holy Spirit, if by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward, walking
in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit "

Questions:

• If we live by the Spirit, are we asking Him to show us what to do in our relationship with our
spouse?
• Do we really believe we were only saved by His power, and that we did not simply 'decide' to
be born again?
• Are we going forward under His administration and jurisdiction or have we stopped growing or
even going backwards?
• Do we know what the Holy Spirit requires of us in our marriage so that we can agree with Him,
or is He out of the picture?
• What exactly is our conduct towards our spouse?

Verse 26 of Galatians 5 tells us how NOT to walk with our spouse if we want to follow the Holy Spirit
together.
'Let us not become vainglorious (self-conceited), competitive and challenging, and provoking and
irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.'

None of these behaviours are found in the Godhead. The Spirit loves to magnify and glorify Jesus
Christ. Jesus always seeks the Father’s will in everything. Each part of the Trinity is equal "parts of the
whole" in love for all eternity.
The Father Son and Spirit have differing functions and facets but all are equal and happy for the other
to be exactly as they are.

In the same way, husband and wife will be different from each other but not divided.
If each honours and respects the differences of perception, and ways of doing things, there will never
be a need to envy or be in competition.
This honouring of the spouse can only be seen and accepted if we have taken the time to ask Father
how He sees our spouse.
When we realise how HE thinks of them, and can understand that He has made them specifically for
His purposes, will the power struggle between us END.

Unhappy spouses may complain that things would be so much easier if their marriage partner was more
like THEM!
This is human nature's reasoning, but it does not fit with God’s arrangement. He will not change His
pattern to fit in with US. We have to bow down to His ways.

Praying for our spouse to change, playing Christian music at home, or putting bible verses under their
pillow, WILL NOT HELP!

God created, equipped and set into place, our spouse. He made their heart for a particular assignment.
We can either love, encourage, help and agree with God’s handiwork in who they are, or we can
disapprove, become resentful and irritated with the whole thing.

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Jesus told Saul on the road to Damascus "it is dangerous and it will turn out badly for you to keep
kicking against the goad (to offer vain and perilous resistance)"
Jesus had taken Saul's persecution of His people personally. We need to realise that He is affected by
the way we treat our spouse. What we do for them, we do for Him. (Matthew 25: 40)

Questions:

• How do we see our spouse?

• Are we walking WITH them in agreement with Gods plan for us, or are we in opposition to
them?
• Have we asked the Holy Spirit how we can be of assistance to them?
• Have we earned our spouses trust enough for them to tell us about their life with God and the
way He uses them?
• Have we been able to share with them about the things which God has asked of us?

When each spouse knows that they have the love and support they need from the other, peace harmony
and joy will fill their hearts and home.
All confusion about who is ‘leading’ is done away with. Both know that Father Son and Holy Spirit are
keeping everything in perfect balance as the will of God is followed and not the fear and fury of the
ego.

Husbands have no need to dominate or humiliate their wives; wives have no desire to take over the
leadership role. They are fulfilled and content with being in a supportive position.

The Holy Spirit helps us in His because HE is the exact picture of being a Helper. He never draws
attention to Himself, but comes alongside to help, strengthen and comfort.
THIS is the Spirit we have received! (John 14: 16)
He is the Spirit of the Lamb, who lays Himself aside so that God’s loving purpose can be seen, heard
and felt.

Questions:

• Will we ask the Holy Spirit to teach us how to be like Him, or will we assume that we know
already and continue in our own way?
• Will we draw near to God in order to draw nearer to our spouse? (James 4: 8)
• If not, why not?
• Will we allow Father to reconcile us to Himself and to each other?
• Will we allow Him to transfer us out of combat and into co-operation?

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 CHAPTER 8
THE ENEMY OF MARRIAGE
Husbands and wives can spend many years in opposition to each other if they don’t understand the
power of a Godly union.

As truly ‘submitted to Christ’ people, we bear the image of God in a spectacular way if our marriage is
filled, led and governed by the Holy Spirit.

It’s no wonder then, that our enemy, the evil one, hates it so much and seeks to destroy its impact. He
wants us to lose hope that a marital union could ever be possible. He wants us to lose faith in love. He
wants us to become so hurt, fearful and offended, that no forgiveness would ever flow. He does not
want the nature of Christ to be in evidence ANYWHERE.

If we are not aware that this war is raging against marriage itself, we will not realise that we are
struggling against powers ranged against us in the spiritual realm. We will remain entangled in
domestic, verbal, emotional and self-centred abuse aimed at our spouse.
This is EXACTLY what the enemy wants.

By remaining ignorant, we play into his hands and never gain the victory over his attempts to sabotage
God’s plan for us in our marriage.

Questions:

• Who are we blaming for the mess in our marriage?

• Who is the accuser of Gods people?
• Are we working with the Accuser or the Redeemer?

If we realise we have been deceived, are we willing to expose everything to the light of the word to get
clarity and forgiveness? (Ephesians 5:13-14)

What conclusion have we come to concerning the spiritual wellbeing and safety of our marriage?

"In conclusion, be strong in the Lord, be empowered through your union with Him. Draw your strength
from Him, that strength which His boundless might provides. Put on the whole armour, the armour of a
heavy armed soldier which God supplies, that you may be able SUCCESSFULLY to stand up against
ALL the strategies and the deceits of the devil FOR WE ARE NOT WRESTLING WITH FLESH
AND BLOOD, CONTENDING ONLY WITH PHYSICAL OPPONANTS, but against the despotisms,
against the powers, against master spirits who are the world rulers of this present darkness. Against the
spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly supernatural sphere" (Ephesians 6:10-12)

Many Christians traditionally read this and immediately ‘plead the blood of Jesus’, call the intercessory
prayer team, put bible promises all over the house, anoint everything with oil and generally become
fearful and frantic.
None of this is necessary or required.

These are all outward attempts to enforce something already accomplished and finished by Christ's
sacrifice on the cross, and His resurrection from the dead.
HE has defeated the devil. WE simply enforce His victory by our submission to God’s arrangement and
order in the marriage.
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If we stop fighting against God, and each other, and simply take our place, and stay there, then the
enemy has no power over us at all.

If husbands submit themselves to a 'Christ centred' trustworthy, spiritual father who can feed Him the
word of God in a way that he can willingly receive and obey, he is then COVERED BY CHRIST.
If he says I need no spiritual father on earth, because God is my Father, then he is out of order, and easy
prey for enemy attack.

His best weapon against enemy attack is not to pray in a frenzy, or quote bible verses, but to remain
calm, quiet, composed and submissive UNDER the arrangement that God has set up to cover and
protect him.

A wife follows the same path as she submits to the leadership of her husband. If she refuses to usurp
authority, and rejects all "matriarchal" ways, she is then COVERED in the sight of God, and off limits
to the enemy.
If she says "I can do and be whatever I want to. I will not submit, I will not forgive," then the enemy
has a legal right to enter and cause chaos and confusion. Depression and anxiety set up residence.

Why is this? It is all a matter of who will exalt themselves against the will, and arrangement, and word
of God. Lucifer exalted himself and was banished. We do NOT want to follow his example!
(Isaiah 14: 13-1 4)

We do NOT want to be a "proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the tree knowledge of God."
(2 Corinthians 10: 4-5)

Rather we want the Holy Spirit to lead every one of our thoughts and purposes away captive into the
obedience of Christ!
We want to be captivated by the love, humility, gentleness and obedience of the Lamb of God. We
want to be held captive as a bond slave to HIM! We want HIM to cover and protect our marriage. To
do this we simply have to humble ourselves and comply!

The enemy of marriage HATES obedience to Christ above all else.

This is the way we outwit him, and stay safe, sound, and secure in a Spirit filled marriage.

Questions:

• When we gave our lives to the Lord, we promised to FOLLOW Him. Are we following His
instructions for marriage?
• Are we following our own ideas about what needs to be done to fix our marriage?
• Are we following the examples set by our upbringing or culture or are we following Christ?
• Are we following the word as a child would comprehend its teacher when it is taught a new
subject?
• Have we grasped what a Spirit filled marriage would look like?

Andrew Murray said that ‘The development of evil is no blind evolution. It is the result of a deliberate,
systematic war of an intelligent power at work against the rule of God’.

Let’s make sure that we are not contributing to any part of it as we diligently take care of our
marriages.

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 CHAPTER 9
SECRETS OF SUBMISSION
Submission to God is the most powerful way to serve and worship Him. It is the most effective weapon
in our hand. It is the only way to counteract the ego, the worlds way of doing things, and every enemy
assault.

Submission is the ANTIDOTE to the poison released by Adam’s refusal to comply with his Fathers
loving law and rule over him.
Submission is the life blood of every Spirit filled marriage.

Both spouses set themselves to submit to God’s plan, placing and purpose for themselves first.
Then, when it comes to any interaction with each other, they both have confidence that God’s will and
Word is sought after and obeyed by the other. The resentment of having ‘always to do as the other one’
commands does not even arise. They have agreed to submit to The WORD of God first.

Questions:

• What is the opposite of submission?

• Why is submission so hard for us?
• Do we think its possible for the Holy Spirit to flood us with a submissive heart?
• When we look at our marriage can we see any evidence of any submission anywhere?
• If submission is present in word study or tithing for example, can we trust the Holy Spirit to
bring us into compliance within our marriage as well?

Jesus is the Beloved Son because He submitted to God’s will regardless of the cost to Himself.
We show ourselves to be sons of God when we follow His example. We lay down our own preferences
and expectations of our spouse, in order that the atmosphere and rule of Christ can flood our
relationship. (Luke 22:42)

Submission is NOT mission IMPOSSIBLE. It is possible and delighted in, when it is inspired and
fuelled by the Holy Spirit!

He works in us to cause us TO WANT to submit! (Philippians 2:13)

He makes our thoughts to become agreeable to His will. (Proverbs 16:3)
He is the same Spirit that was in Jesus Christ who said 'Behold here I am, coming to do your will O
God (Hebrews 10: 7)
He lives in our hearts Ephesians 3: 16) and generates the desire to delight in doing God’s will in our
marriage (Psalm 40: 8)

In this way, if we give the Holy Spirit first place in our marriages, we seal the fate of the enemy, and
set ourselves free to enjoy the greatest gift ever given, the love of God in human beings against all
odds, and in the face of “impossibility”.

Submission is to put our own 'mission' UNDER God’s mission.

His mission is to have His own image and nature on display in his children, and especially in their
marriages. (Ephesians 4: 13) (Romans 8: 19) (Romans 8: 21)

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Questions:

• What has OUR mission been up till now?

• Do we really want what God wants?

Even when one spouse begins to submit to the word of God concerning their role and attitude of heart,
the dynamics at home begin to change. Access to the relationship has been granted to the Holy Spirit
because of their obedient actions. (1 Peter 3: 1- 2)

Everything concerning submission is about whose government will be in place.

If we are not submissive, we will, by default be SUBVERSIVE.

Submission in Greek is the word HYPOTASS0.

It means to be subordinate, to obey reflexively. To be under obedience. It means that we willingly
subdue our "self-life" under the control of God’s love by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Subversion means to conduct a systematic attempt to overthrow a government by working from within
to undermine it. Do we really want to cast off the restraint of God as He seeks to enfold us in His love
and care? (Psalm 2: 2- 3)

The Holy Spirit has been given to us to keep us out of a subversive frame of mind and heart. If HE
rules, direct, controls, prompts, urges and governs us, no one else can! (Romans Chapter 8)

As the Bride of Christ, (His Body) we are commanded to be submissive to our King. Psalm 45: 10-11
tells us:
"Hear O daughter, consider, submit and consent to my instruction... so will the king desire your beauty.
Because He is your Lord, be submissive and reverence and honour Him."

Our submission to God’s order and atmosphere in our marriage IS our beauty. It is the demonstration of
a heart which has been trained and adjusted by the Hand of God. (1 Peter 3: 4)

Whether we are male or female, husband or wife, we are both sons being matured, developed and
engraved by God’s word until we are as we ought to be.

Hebrews 12:6-11 puts it even more bluntly. "You must submit to, and endure correction for discipline!

Questions:

• Will we present ourselves to God again with a new outlook concerning submission?
• Will we submit to God and to His Spirit and His word, even if we have been badly mistreated
by our spouse and there are no signs of remorse?
• Will we remember that Christ died for us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNING?
(Romans 5: 8)
• Will we admit that we have not been as submissive as we should have been?
• Will we turn around and return to God or will we say No? (Isaiah 30: 15-16)

23
 CHAPTER 10
LIFE AFTER SUBMISSION
Nothing can prepare us for the outpouring of grace and peace which comes when we give our whole
consent to God.

When we give our all to Him, He delights to flood us with unspeakable joy, and deep abiding peace.
The fruits of the Spirit begin to flow effortlessly because the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21)
(Ephesians 4: 31) have been displaced.

We sense God’s love and approval upon us because we have stepped into conformity to His will. We
are so filled with His love, that we are able to love even the most unlovable person. Our love has risen
from human conditional love, which is self-centred, to Gods divine love which never fails.
(I Corinthians 13: 4- 8)

The peace in our heart deepens because we are no longer in opposition to God. He can now answer our
prayers because our sins are no longer separating us from Him.

For the first time, we know what it is to have His peace as our umpire who answers every question that
arises in our heart and minds. (Colossians 3:15)

We are now no longer in turmoil concerning our marriage relationship. We know that God is in
complete control of US. That means that He can now intervene into all the problems we have faced.
His wisdom, now takes over our own human reasoning that has held us captive in bitter jealousy,
contention, rivalry, selfish ambition and pride. (James 3: 14)

Pure joy now replaces the misery we had been drowning in. The Holy Spirit has re-focussed our minds
onto Jesus Christ, and turned us away from our obsession with our own failings and those of our
spouse. (Hebrews 12: 2)
The joy of Jesus Christ Himself is now our portion because we are truly OUT of our own keeping and
fully INTO our Fathers care. (John 17: 13)

Patience now begins to rise within us as we realize how patient our Father has been with us while He
waited for us to come home to compliance with His will and word for us. Where we were easily
irritated and quickly offended before, we treat our spouse with gentleness and compassion.
Goodness and mercy begin to follow us now.

Our Good Shepherd has led us by the Holy Spirit to the still waters of His “Spirit Word” which now
cleanses us and quenches our desperate thirst. He has made us, by the influence of His grace, to lie
down in the green pastures of HIS boundaries and priorities. We now are dwelling in His house and His
presence as He dwells as the Everlasting Rock deep inside our marriage. (Psalm 23)

Kindness now replaces suspicion and distrust when we communicate with our spouse. We are enabled
by the Holy Spirit to really listen with empathy and understanding. Where we used to dismiss every
word with contempt, we now treasure every opportunity to be with them, and to discover more about
their innermost being through genuine contact and interaction.

Meekness, a lowly opinion of ourselves and true humility now replaces pride rudeness and arrogance.
We begin to live as true sons of God who imitate the Lamb of God. (Ephesians 4: 2). We are happy to
make allowances for each other because we know all too well, how easy it is to slip back.

24
God’s faithfulness to us, even during the times of our worst unfaithfulness to Him, now overwhelms us.
We see how relentlessly He has pursued us until we receive His love for us. This divine determination
not to give up on us, humbles and strengthens us at the same time.

Suddenly the control of the Holy Spirit over our hearts and minds becomes a real thing to us. Our
volatile reactive behaviour is pacified and quietened. Our temper is tamed. We became tender and
responsive to the touch of the Lord our God, and we LOVE His hold over us (Ezekiel 11: 1 9). Now,
whereas we avoided His grasp before, now we beg Him not to let us go! (Psalm 50: 10-11)

A fountain of forgiveness begins to pour from our hearts to all who have hurt and offended us, no
matter how badly. We see how much we ourselves have been forgiven, and we delight to free our
spouse from our own judgement. We belong whole heartedly to God our Father, and so do they. Our
Father is LOVE Himself, and we are born of Him. We have His DNA within our whole being. Our
marriage is flooded and filled with the love of God. (Ephesians 3: 17-19)

Questions:

• Does this seem like an impossible dream?

• The promise of God is unfailing to us. We CAN experience it if we hand ourselves over to His
care and keeping.
• Will we?

25
 CHAPTER 11
SURRENDER TO THE SHEPHERDING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
Having read the previous chapter about the riches of a Spirit filled marriage, our question now is How
do we get it? What is the first step?

In the same way we approach any kind of restoration or repair, we have to admit that we have a
problem!
1 Peter 2:25 helps us here.
"For you were going astray like so many sheep, but now you have come back to the Shepherd and
Guardian, the Bishop of your souls."

One look at the condition of our marriage lets us know that it could do with some improvement, or
more likely, a complete change of ownership!
If we look at our marriage as if it were a sheep in the Shepherds care, we can easily see that the Lord
Jesus Christ is well able to heal and restore it.

He does it by working in the hearts of each spouse, so that they long for the safety and protection that
has been missing.

If our marriages have gone astray, it means that they have been deceived, and have wandered out of the
Way of the truth set before them by the word of God. We have tried to shepherd them themselves.
We first have to admit that we are not our own shepherds!

"Know perceive, recognize and understand with approval, that the LORD is God. It is HE who has
made us, NOT we ourselves, and we are HIS. We are His people and the sheep of HIS pasture."
(Psalm 100: 3)

If we want to hand over the shepherding of our marriage to the Holy Spirit, it means that we have to
allow Him to disarm us and to lead us in a different direction.

Questions

• Which weapons have we been using to defend ourselves in our marriage relationship?
• Unforgiveness, pride, bitterness, blame, vengeance, self-pity, anger?
• Are we ready to relinquish them?

To come back, or to return to the True shepherd of our marriage, we have to know that it is a return to
loving God our Father., and the Lord Jesus Christ. We lift God up in our lives and love Him FAR more
than we have loved ourselves.

It is a return to the wisdom and righteousness of God by abandoning our previous thinking and
behaviour.

The word for Shepherd in Greek is POIMEN.

It means that Christ is the one to Whose care and control we have committed ourselves to.

We have placed ourselves willingly to be under His precepts. We leave everything behind and follow
His instructions and orders only (1 John 5: 2- 3)

26
A Shepherd is One who presides over everything. He is the Manager, the Director, the CEO, the chief
Executive officer. The Highest ranking One. Jesus Christ is our Chief. We are not the chief!
(Song of Solomon 8:14) (Colossians 1:18)

Christ 'shepherds' us from the inside, by the Holy Spirit. Under His influence, we will always follow
the Great Shepherd of the sheep.
"He exerts that power which enables Him to subject everything to Himself" (Philippians 3: 21)

If enemies have tried to attack our marriage, He gives us a 'heads up' and urges us to "check the hedge"
of compliance around us. We can then quickly repent from our wandering away from obedience, and
return to the Shepherds safety.

He defends our marriage. He heals the marriages that are sick or wounded with infinite care and
gentleness.
He saves the marriages which have been trapped into "other ideas" about the meaning of a Spirit filled
union with God and with each other.

He loves the sheep. He loves each spouse. He loves marriage. He shares the life of the sheep. He is
intimately acquainted with all the intricate details of our marriage. Christ alone knows how to be
devoted, faithful, committed, and submitted.

He knows how to surrender, how to be engulfed and possessed by Fathers love.

If He is the Shepherd of our marriage, He CAN and WILL bring it to its full glory and blessedness!
If the Holy Spirit is in control of our marriage, and has guardianship over it, we are safe, sound, stable
and secure.

Questions:

• Who has been in control of our marriage up till now?

• Have we been judging, monitoring, correcting or controlling our spouse?
• Can we relinquish this role and give it back to the Holy Spirit whose right it is?
• Do we see any authority over us as a terror, and a threat of abuse, or do we have someone we
can trust to lead us in the right way?
• Do we realise that Christ has a legal responsibility to lead, guard and guide us?
• Do we know that we are not our own? (1 Corinthians 6:19)
• Will we surrender to His love which ensures our absolute wellbeing?

During the second world war, a 'shepherd’ was a pilot who guided another pilot whose plane was
partially disabled, back to the airbase. He flew alongside him to maintain visual contact.
THIS is what the Holy Spirit wants to do for our damaged and disabled marriage.

He has brought us to this point of absolute surrender.

Let’s honour Him, and follow His lead, His oversight and indwelling. He will take us home!

27
 CHAPTER 12
FRESH FAITH FOR MOVING FORWARD
Marriage can be the place where we need the most faith. It can be the place where we have lost the
most faith too!

We may even have given up on the whole idea of marriage. There may not have been enough positive
role models around us. We may not know of anyone who has a happy marriage!
Certainly every marriage has its challenges and difficulties, but if Jesus Christ is the true Centre, then
He can be our Champion, and a true Witness that He is Lord, and can be Lord of our marriage.

If we have lost faith in our spouse because of things that have happened in the past, the Holy Spirit can
lift our eyes up and away from our doubts and fears. He can focus us on Christ Himself. We may not
trust our spouse to love or take care of us anymore, but we can trust Christ to take hold of our spouse.
We can look directly at Jesus Christ and say from our heart, Lord, I trust You with my spouse. My
spouse is Yours. I release them from my thought’s feelings and judgements.

After that we get to work on discovering what the Lord requires from US.

We know that we need new faith in order to go forward with God’s idea of marriage. It will be a brand-
new marriage, not simply the old one, now patched up!
This new faith cannot be at the 'old' variety that we may have learned about during a previous spiritual
season.

Faith for us now is about TRUST. It’s no longer about finding a bible verse, repeating in over and over,
and then exerting a kind of inner 'will power' in order to bring it to pass.
We cannot 'USE' our faith to fix a faulty marriage.
We cannot USE the things of God to get what WE want.
HOW can we "name and claim" the things we want in the Name of Jesus, if Jesus has not been given
the right to claim us as His own and to conform us to HIS will?

Questions:

• When we gave our lives to the Lord to use for His own purposes, did we mean it?
• Is it ok with us if He now comes to us to ‘take us up’ on our promise?
• Can He claim us as His own, or is it still' in theory only," 'or when it is comfortable or
convenient for US?
• Are we at liberty to do whatever we want in Jesus Name, or are we here to do what God wants
in our marriage?
• If faith is not a 'blank cheque' with God for us to get what we want or need, what is it?

Firstly, faith is towards God and not towards getting anything. (Hebrews 11: 6)
Faith is about coming to God with an open heart and mind that longs to be given over to Him
completely. If we do this, He rewards our yearning for Him, with the experience of His very presence
and Person.

Faith is about hearing what God wants us to do, and actually doing it. (Hebrews 11: 7)
Faith is the enabling power given to us, so that we can OBEY GOD. (Hebrews 11: 8)
Faith enables us to stay where God has placed us, so that HIS purposes and promises can
be fulfilled. (Hebrews 11: 9)
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Faith is given to us, so that we can be persuaded beyond doubt, that God will be true to His word.
(Hebrews 11: 11)

To go forward in our new marriage, we present ourselves to God with HIS terms and conditions in
place instead of our own.
He then, sees that our innermost desire is to please HIM instead of ourselves.
We have suffered enough in our unbelief and in our disobedience. (Peter 4: 1-2)

He makes our "faith feet' strong, so that we no longer stand still in terror, but find that we can actually
make progress in our new path to a new marriage. (Habakkuk 3: 19)

Questions:

• If we have been given faith to make sure that we can obey God, what is the first thing we need
to attend to, by faith, in our marriage?
• Can we allow the Holy Spirit to release us from our paralysed panic?
• In the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles and problems, can we allow Him to single
out one area for Him to work in?
• Will we allow Him to comfort and encourage us as we turn back the tide of damaging thoughts
and attitudes?
• Will we allow Him to strengthen us, as we go forward in deliberate obedience, regardless of our
hurt feelings or bitter memories?

Our faith is in the fact that God is true. He owns and rules everything as we, by faith, make room for
Him to do so.

Our marriage is then filled with the Holy Spirit. It is, for the first time, given over, in faith to the One
who alone can bring it to life.

Our marriage becomes a sanctuary dedicated to the presence of the Lord alone. (Ephesians 2:21-22)
We trust God, because He is utterly trustworthy (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

We entrust our marriage to Him.

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 CHAPTER 13
SAYING YES TO THE YOKE
As we know, there are many jokes about marriage include references to being shackled, imprisoned,
restricted or yoked by an unwanted framework of constriction.

This is the absolute opposite of the truth. A Spirit filled marriage knows the liberty, boundless joy,
limitless potential, and total 'lifted-ness 'and life in the presence of God Himself.

Each spouse, in a Spirit filled marriage has the freedom to be the person that God our Father has
designed and destined them to become.

How does this work?

It works because we TRUST THE ONE WHO YOKES US TO HIMSELF FIRST!

What is a yoke?
A yoke is a harness. We may have seen pictures of two oxen yoked together by a rigid frame, or bar
around their necks. It keeps them working in unison with each other as they go forward. It joins them
together in order for both to accomplish the same task with maximin power and efficiency.
Fortunately for us, our Father is not a hard task master, and he never treats us as though we were slaves
or animals!

Jesus told us that we should take His yoke upon us because it is light, comfortable gracious, wholesome
and easy to be borne (Matthew 11:29)
He never regarded the one-ness He had with His Father as something which would bind Him into any
kind of pain, restriction, or heaviness.
He said we should learn from HIM how to be yoked. He told us that his gentle, humble, lowliness
of heart enabled Him to be led by the Holy Spirit with no resistance or complaint. He demonstrated
the perfect way to be joined to God.

How then, has the world’s system, the enemy of marriage, or our 'self-life' persuaded us to look at our
‘joining’ with our spouse in such a negative light?
The day we truly see Jesus Christ as the One Who loves us and wants us for Himself, is the first day of
utter freedom!

He saves us OUT of all that would hamper, hinder, or keep us bound or imprisoned!
The day we become joined in spirit to our spouse is meant to be the doorway to a lifetime of sacred
safety and wholeness!

So, what went wrong?

Our understanding of the yoke is faulty!

For us, we are yoked to God by the anointing (empowering and equipping) of the Holy Spirit. When
the holy ‘oil’ comes upon us, as we receive Him, it means that our neck (our will) is now bound to God
our Father. No one else can ever bind us in any other kind of ownership or rule. (Isaiah 10:27)

Hosea 11: 4 says:

"I drew them with cords of a man with bands of love. I was to them as one who lifts up and eases the
yoke over their cheeks, and I bent down and gently laid food before them."

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Our Father knows how to draw us to Himself and how to keep us in His faithful love. He feeds us,
leads us and frees us to be His alone.
God’s people were enslaved in Egypt. The yoke of bondage was cruel and God had to break that yoke,
and release them so that they could be yoked to Him instead.
At no time are we without a yoke! We are EITHER yoked to God, or to the enemy.

It is to our advantage and benefit to make sure that we know which yoke we have chosen.

Questions:

• What has been heavy around our neck?

• What has been unbearable, what has weighed us down?
• Do we see our obedience to God as a joy or a duty we have to just 'get on with'?
• Is our relationship with the Holy Spirit a “life giving” blessing and privilege or a restrictive set
of reins to keep us out of trouble?
• Is our marriage a harness or a crown?

Let’s go back to Matthew 11: 28-30 to find out more about the true Holy yoke.

Jesus says first of all "Come to Me." He doesn’t say go to your friends, family, or TV soaps to find out
about the yoke.
Next He is calling all those who labour and are heavy laden (with the wrong yoke) to come.
This means that all of us who have taken strain in our marriages are good candidates!
Oh yes we say, Please Jesus take all these awful burdensome marital problems away from us...
PLEASE!

Jesus says, let’s look at what you have been carrying! Pride, self-centredness, unforgiveness, spiritual
blindness concerning what we are really doing, and overall carelessness about what God want from us,
are a heavy load to bear.
These are the things that Jesus want to release us from.

We go from, gritting our teeth and bracing ourselves against the pain of manage problems, to a
humbled realisation of the truth.
We repent, and receive the refreshing that comes as a result of it (Acts 3: 19)
Relief floods us as we realise that we are actually yoked into a Covenant of love and righteousness
which is eternally fixed and indestructible.
If we are truly in Covenant with God, then we CAN be in covenant with our spouse!

How can we refuse the invitation from Jesus Christ Himself, to take His own yoke upon us?
It is the thing that He treasures the most. It designates Him as the One whose only desire is to do the
will of His Father. It is His glory and honour. He wears it with absolute delight and joy.
Will we wear ours in the same way? (Proverbs 3: 1-3)

A contract is an exchange of goods.

A covenant is an exchange of people.

We are not yoked to a system of Christian restrictions, but we are joined by the heart to a relationship
of absolute love. Our God has said "I will be your God, and you will be my people."

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Questions:

• Does the soul of our marriage need some blessed quiet? (Matthew 11:29)
• Are we willing to be moved in our hearts by the humble and gentle One Who does not contract
us out to slave labour, but draws us deeply into His own heart?
• Will we allow Him to change our whole understanding about this yoke?
• Does this change the way we think about our oneness with our spouse?
• Can we see that, together, we are a much more powerful force in God’s kingdom than we ever
realized?
• Will we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to Christ who is the only source of REST in a burdened
or troubled marriage?

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 CHAPTER 14
YES, BUT... WHAT ABOUT?
At this point, many questions and doubts could arise concerning our marriage and all that has taken
place up till now.

This is all very well, we say, but you don’t understand how bad it has been, you don’t know what they
did, or what I have been though. What about THAT?

There are incidents in the Bible where people have questioned God’s way of dealing with people and
situations.
Mary, at the wedding in Cana, told Jesus that they had no more wine. Jesus said to her "Dear woman
what is that to you"? (John 2: 4) Peter saw John following them and he asked Jesus "Lord what about
this man?" Jesus answered “what concern is that of yours - YOU FOLLOW ME!" (John 21:22)

Jeremiah complained to the Lord, that his suffering and pain and persecution were continual. He
wanted to know why nothing was being done! (Jeremiah 15:15-18)
God answers him with specific instructions in order to shift the focus from what OTHERS are doing
and ONTO what is required of US.

Firstly- He says:
If YOU return to Me, and give up this mistaken tone of distrust and despair, then I will give YOU again
a settled place of quiet and safety. (Jeremiah 15: 19)

Next, He tells us to: -

"separate the precious from the vile"
The Bible tells us that a peaceful and quiet spirit is precious in His sight. (Peter 3: 4)
We know that Christ is our Cornerstone. He is precious. He is our measure, and Plumbline, not the
behaviour of our spouse.

He tells us how to do His separation, "cleanse your OWN heart from unworthy and unwarranted
suspicions concerning God’s faithfulness." (Jeremiah 15:19)

Our Father is the best marriage Counselor we could ever have. He is Parent to each spouse. He leads
each one in His OWN way and timing. Our responsibility is to stay in His dealings with our OWN
heart, and to leave our spouse to Him in faith and love.

Our questions then change from "What about THEM," to" What about ME?"

There are a number of "As for me" instructions in the word of God.

As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness. (Psalm 12:15)
As for me, I will walk in integrity (Psalm 26: 11)
As for me, I will enter Your house through the abundance of steadfast love and mercy (Psalm 5: 7)
As for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him, I will keep watch, I will wait with hope and
expectancy for the God of my salvation, My God will hear me. (Micah 7: 7)

Questions:
• Are we doing any of these?

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 • What needs to happen for us to tear our attention away from the faults and weaknesses of our
spouse?
• Can we admit that both spouses have contributed to a difficult situation in the marriage?
• Can we see that Father has to deal with each individually?
• Will we step down from our perceived 'responsibility' to fix our spouse?
• Will we repent for trying to do the work that only the Holy Spirit can do?

Our complaints against our spouse are actually our complaints against God. We may have been taught
wrongly or inaccurately about our 'rights' as Christians.
This can only be remedied by a return to the doctrines of Christ. Much of what we ‘assume’ should
happen is not even in the Bible.

When God in His mercy, arrests us, He shows us that what we thought was right in His eyes, was
actually working against His word and His ways.
Saul, on the road to Damascus, had many complaints against the Christians he was persecuting.
(Acts 26: 9)
Jesus had to confront him to put him right.

He will do the same for us if we acknowledge Him as Lord of our marriage.

Saul discovered that, in the presence and power of Christ, there is no room for complaining about
anyone. There is no room for any talking at all, except to ask what the Lord wants of us.
Yes, we are invited to come boldly to the throne of grace, (Hebrews 4:16) but we go with deep
reverence and humility. We do not push our way in and behave brashly or with ignorant arrogance.

Habakkuk helps us with this:

"Oh I know I have been rash to talk out plainly this way to God. I will, in my thinking, stand upon my
post of observation, and station myself on the tower or fortress, and will watch to see what HE will say
within me, and what answer I will make as His mouth piece to the perplexities of my COMPLAINT
AGAINST Him." (Habakkuk 2:1)

We have been taught to bring everything to God in intimate communion and prayer, but it is always to
ensure that HIS will is done. (Matthew 6: 10)

Job went through extreme adversity, and many thoughts and theories were put forward as to why it
happened, or what should be done about it. In the end though, he silenced His complaints in the
presence of God who challenged Him.
"Shall he who would find fault with the Almighty contend with Him? He who disputes with God, let
him answer it."

Job says "Behold I am of small account and vile, what shall I answer you? I lay my hand upon my
mouth"

True sons of God have learned to respect, honour and obey their Father with joy. They accept
His precepts, arrangement and order with gratitude and no thought of complaint.

Questions:

• Are we saying that we are sons of God but are behaving as orphans in our marriage?
• Are we ready to "Let be, be still, and know that God is God, and that HE will be exalted in our
marriage? (Psalm 46:10)

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 CHAPTER 15
STAYING IN PLACE
When we are driving our vehicles on the road, we have to make sure we know what the rules of the
road are, so that we can stay in our allotted lane, and not have constant collisions with other drivers.

Playing team sports means that each member knows they are not the only ones on the team. They know
that other participants have their own place and position.

It should be obvious to us, that in a marriage, there are two people. Each has their own place and
function. Sadly, even in Christian marriages, many couples remain as two disconnected people living
under one roof.

The idea of telling their spouse what they are thinking, doing, or aiming for, is a foreign concept. They
do not know where the other is going or why. This is not the pattern that our Father designed for us.
Once again Jesus shows us how to live as a Spirit filled person, vitally united and deeply connected to
Father. He made it clear that whenever anyone approached Him, they would be in the presence of two
distinct Beings.
"There are two of us, I and the Father who sent Me" (John 8:16)
"I am able to do nothing from Myself, independently, or my own accord." (John 5:30)

If we do not know that there are two of us in a marriage, and that we are equally valuable, but have
different places, we will not enjoy our union to the full.
As sons and daughters of God, we are not forced into our respective places. We choose to settle into
them willingly, trusting our father to lead us into fullness and maturity in Christ.

We say:
"The Lord is my chosen and assigned portion, my cup. You hold and maintain my lot. The lines have
fallen for me in pleasant places, yes, I have a good heritage”. (Psalm 16: 5-6)

Whenever anyone approaches either spouse, they know for sure that they are addressing two people,
husband and wife. They are one, and do not function independently from one another in any way. This
is their strength and safety.

As the relationship develops, each spouse knows exactly how the other would feel, think or react to any
given situation. They have practised being two people, but being ONE at the same time.
There are no secrets between a Spirit filled couple. They respect each other’s space, but happily share
the day-to-day things that happen to them with no fear or embarrassment.

Cell phones and computers do not have to be 'guarded' because each spouse is secure in the knowledge
that care has been taken to protect the openness between them.

Questions:
• When we got married, did we understand that we would not be ‘single' anymore?
• What steps have we taken to share our lives with our spouse?
• Is there any area that has been withheld or kept separate from our spouse?
• If we discover places of continued independence, do we know why?
• Are we willing to open it to the Lord, and to allow the Holy Spirit to resolve and correct it?
• What are the ways in which we can make it easier for our spouse to share with us?

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The Bible tells us clearly that once we know our place in Christ, in His Body, and in our marriage, we
need to STAY there.

Go your way until the end, for you shall rest and stand fast in your allotted place at the end of days
(Daniel 12:13)

Men shall worship Him, everyone from his place. (Zephaniah 2:11)

In Him and in fellowship with one another, you yourselves are being built up into this structure with
the rest, to form a fixed abode, a dwelling place for God. (Ephesians 2: 22)

Angels who did not keep, care for, guard, and hold to their OWN PLACE of power, but abandoned
their proper dwelling place, these He has reserved in custody. (Jude 1: 6)

When we go beyond the limits or borders of our designated place, we violate God’s principles. The
picture He wants to display in our marriage is marred and distorted. Father knows how we function in
the best, and most fulfilling way, so it is to our advantage to know where we are placed and why.
(Ephesians 5: 22-33)

A Spirit filled marriage is a mighty source of divine power in the earth. If we take care to play our own
parts, in our own role, by the power of the Holy Spirit, in obedience to the word of God, then the full
impact of Gods glory can be displayed there.

Questions:

• Do we know our rightful place in Christ?

• Do we know that we are privileged to be placed according to God’s choice for us?
• Are we in anyway resentful about the place we have been given?
• Are we in place?
• Have we abandoned our place?
• Are we taking care to guard and keep it?
• Will we allow the Holy Spirit to teach us why we are placed as we are, and how to stay there?

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 CHAPTER 16
WANTING WHAT GOD WANTS
Now that we know we have some major changes to make in our marriage, where do we start?

We have accepted and thanked our Father for the place and position before Him, and with our spouse.
We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon Him, and our heart and minds are open to the Holy
Spirit.
We are in a good place!
We want to make it as easy as possible for Him to lead us. We have determined never to resist His
influence over us. We want the best for Him. We want to give Him all that He wants from us, and we
want the very best for our spouse.

So what does God want?

Firstly He want us to CEASE and DESIST from all our own efforts to love and serve Him in our own
strength.
He has gone to great lengths to prove to us that without Him, we can do nothing.
We cannot present a ‘Do it Yourself’ style marriage to Him. We have no power to do anything good.
It’s best that we just stop trying". If He does not own, possess and empower it, it is dead.
We know there is only one way forward, and it is not our way.

"So, then there is still awaiting a full and complete Sabbath rest reserved for the true people of God.
For he who has once entered God’s rest has CEASED from the weariness and pain of human labours..."
(Hebrews 4:10)

If our marriage is a pot on God’s wheel, and He has His Hands firmly on the molding and shaping of it,
the folly of interfering with His work will wipe us out! Our attempts to make it work will exhaust and
defeat us.

Let’s just surrender, admit defeat, and make room for Him to do what we cannot!
The Holy Spirit has come alongside us to help. He reminds us of the things Jesus has said, and He
empowers us to carry them out fully and faithfully. (John 14:26)
If we CEASE, we experience PEACE. (John 14:27)

We cease (STOP) our anger, resentment, fear, and pride. We stop our frenzied religious activity and
fretting. We stop everything we have been trying to do. we stop running. We stand still, we stand firm,
confident and undismayed. The Lord fight for us now, and we hold our peace and remain at rest
(Exodus 14:13-14) (Ephesians 6:13-14)

If a person is on fire, the fire department always tells them to STOP, DROP and ROLL!
The only way to quench the flames is to get the person to stop running, to drop to the ground and roll
over.
If a marriage is on fire, we have to stop running from God and from each other, we drop to our knees,
and then prostrate ourselves before God, and roll the entire weight and care of it all on to Him
(Peter 5: 6-7) (Psalm 55:22)

We CEASE our own ideas about marriage that we have absorbed from our parent, friends, culture, even
from inaccurate 'Christian' teaching. we enter the joy and peace of believing and obeying Christ alone.

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God wants our time, and our mind, (facetime with Him more than the time we spend on Facebook).

➢ He wants a permanent place in our attention and affection.

➢ He wants space to do His work.
➢ He wants the pace of our lives to change so that we SLOW DOWN and LISTEN to Him, and to
one another.
➢ He wants to flood our relationship with grace.
➢ He wants to lead, and to have us following Him.
➢ He wants to speak, and not have us contradict Him.
➢ He wants to love our spouse through us.
➢ He wants us to wait and to let Him go first.
➢ He wants to walk in and among us.
➢ He does not want us to interfere or to interrupt His work.
➢ He wants to reverse our captivity.
➢ He wants to hear the sound of the Bridegroom and the Bride again.
(Jeremiah 33: 6-11)

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 CHAPTER 17
TALKING TIME
In the last chapter, we set ourselves to find out what God wants. One of the things He desires the most,
is to be able to talk to us.

But He is God, we say, He can talk to us any time He wants to!

Our Father does speak, through His word, and by His Spirit. The problem is that we are often too busy
to listen. We are busy working, thinking, coping with our everyday lives, and helping other people. We
busy ourselves with entertainment, exercise, socialising, and all kinds of media and technology.
We even busy ourselves with all kinds of Christian activities and religious effort.

While we are busy, the Lord waits patiently, knowing that eventually we will come to a place where we
can do nothing else except to hear what He has been trying to tell us all along.
Like the merciful father, anticipating the return of the prodigal son, He knows that our marriages need
to be brought back to His house and guardianship. Once He takes them in, clothes them, feeds them,
and teaches them again how to walk as one with Him, then the real talking can begin.

"Yes but I have been praying for ages"! we say. This is good, and we are instructed to make all our
want known to God with thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6)

We may have regularly presented God with a list of all we want Him to do for us, to help us, as He said
He would.

Now though, we have reached a point where He asks if He can choose the topic of conversation. He
begins to ask questions about painful subjects that we have been reluctant to discuss, even with Him.
This is to remind us that all forms of talking between us and our Father, have been initiated by HIM,
and not US first.

It was the Holy Spirit who made us aware that GOD was drawing Him to Himself. He put the need to
'come to God' in our hearts before we ever realized what it was.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds, a
divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages, which nothing under the sun, But
GOD ALONE, can satisfy. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Questions:

• If our Father is calling us to come to Him in a new and different way than we are 'used' to, will
we just sit still and give Him the right to speak to us in the way He has longed to?
• Will we overcome our discomfort at not being in control of where this new conversation is
going?
• Will we allow Him to quieten us, and to reassure us that this talking time is only so that we can
come closer to Him?
• He wants us to know that He knows us. Will we let Him show us how to BE with him in a
deeper way?
• If we are taught (again) how to be spoken to, and how to talk, in a different way, will it impact
the way we talk to, and listen to our spouse?

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Humans need to hear someone talking to them. Babies thrive at the sound of their parents’ voices.
When they cry, they are comforted when they know that they have been heard.
A marriage relationship is strong when each spouse is free to speak, and to be heard, in an atmosphere
of grace peace and love. They are comforted because they know they are being known by the other.

So why is there so little talking?

There may be many words, jokes, explanations or instructions, but not much "heart contact".
Communication may have faltered or even fallen away all together for many reasons. All of the reasons
have to do with a deep insecurity in our 'talking points' with our Father.

We may be accomplished and skilful at the prayer principles, and speaking the word to God, but if we
never hear Him telling us that He delights in the substance of our sonship, we will be insecure in every
other relationship.

Our marriage is a place where we can be known, loved and heard, as we are, with no judgement or
rejection in any way.
If we have not heard Father first, in our talking time with Him, we can never offer the same
environment to our spouse.

Questions:

• Do we see that the quality of our fellowship with our Father directly affects the depth of our
relationship with our spouse?
• Are we actually fellowshipping with Him as a way of life, in the way HE determines and
initiates it? (John 1: 3-4)
• If we heard the father speaking to us about ourselves in a more personal way, would we have
more confidence as a son of God, and as a spouse?

A simple way to begin a new way of communication with our spouse is, to go for a walk or to a
favourite place away from the home. If each partner knows that a new channel has opened between
their spouse and their Father, there will be less apprehension about speaking.

If the aim of the talking time is simply to listen to the thoughts and feelings of their spouse, with no
attempt to 'counsel' 'teach' or correct them, then confidence will grow.

This talking time became a non-judgmental safe space, where ridicule, sarcasm or contradiction are
never allowed.
When a 'talking date' becomes an integral part of each week’s schedule, a new path forward can open
up and be developed and strengthened.

It takes a bit of practice, and many mistakes may be made at first, but if we go forward together, giving
grace and encouragement, it will become a specially anticipated time, delighted in by both spouses.
Each, knows that this specially designated time is not for discussing work issues, or to “air complaints”
or sort out problems. It is simply to enjoy learning more about the person we are married to and sharing
more of ourselves with them.

Eventually, the talking time becomes a dearly cherished "happening" at various times during each day.
It is an ongoing private conversation enjoyed by the husband and wife exclusively. Everyone else is left
outside and we have each other to ourselves.

Does it seem a daunting task? Let’s just take the first step in faith as the Father shows us how to do it.
After all He is the living God who talks to us!
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 CHAPTER 18
THE WAITING ROOM
When a baby is being born in the hospital, or a person is undergoing an operation, the loved ones have
to wait in the waiting room.

We are expecting the birth of a new marriage. The Lord is doing intricate surgery on both husband and
wife. It took a long time for us to get ourselves into such deep trouble, and it will not be a quick
operation.
So, it will help us greatly, if we can understand why the waiting room has to be entered, endured, and
eventually accepted as part of Gods process.

We know from Isaiah 40:31, that "those who wait for the Lord, who expect, look for, and hope in HIM,
shall change and renew their strength"
We certainly need to change our strength from our own attempts at being, and staying married, to
God’s own strength accomplishing it FOR us.

We are not used to waiting. We don’t like it. We just think of what we want to do, and go ahead and do
it.
When we are embroiled in the pain of a damaged marriage, we, by our human nature, seek to "give as
good as we get." If it goes wrong we try to fix it by using our own methods.
We rail against those who treat us badly, and generally give insult for insult as we go along. Jesus
didn’t do it this way. (Peter 2: 23)

Proverbs 22:20 Says:

Do not say "I will repay evil; wait expectantly for the Lord and HE will rescue you."
We cannot rescue ourselves.

We have to make room for waiting on God. We have to wait WITH Him, so that He can give us the
next instruction by the Holy Spirit.
We have to be ok with the fact that He will not work according to our estimation or time frame. He will
not follow our orders about how or when things have to change.

Questions:

• How will we wait as Father reforms and reconstitutes our marriage?

• Will we pace up and down impatiently, wishing He would hurry up?
• Will we make it all about US, and our "prolonged suffering"?
• Will we rudely demand regular “updates” about the progress made so far?

The word for WAIT, in Greek is PERIMENTO. It means to 'stay around' To remain. Not to depart.
In Hebrew, it is the word QAWA. This means:
To bind together by twisting. To gather.

God our Father has now begun a detailed process of disentangling us from our own confusion and self-
will. He is now binding us, spirit soul and body to Himself to form a spiritual, life-giving cord that, will
never be broken. Only in this way can we be truly married to Him, or to our spouse.
If we wait for God to do it all HIS way, in His time, the results will be perfect.
If we push in, push ourselves forward, or try to make it all happen faster, we will only make mistakes
and encounter regular setbacks.
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What is waiting?
It is worship. We elevate God’s ways and will above our own.
It is obedience. We say "yes" to His way of restoring us, and refuse to exert our own destructive
methods.
Isaiah 30: 15 Says:
"Thus Says the Lord, in returning to me, and resting in me, you shall be saved. In quietness and in
trusting confidence shall be your strength, But you would not. And you said NO, we will speed on our
own course..."

Let’s make sure that we are in this for the long haul, and that we will see it through to the end, at God’s
pace and by His grace.
Waiting is surrender. We give ourselves, and the whole of our marriage relationship up to our Father.
He is the only One who can help us. We lift our hands in submission and take our hands off it. We
commit it into His Hands.
Waiting on God, for Him to direct, control and inspire us in our marriage, is our only source of safety,
stability, and security.

Our ego cannot and will not wait. It is our human nature without the Holy Spirit. It is permanently
hostile to God and to our spouse.
Our inner man, the hidden person of the heart, LOVES to wait on God.
"Our inner selves, earnestly wait for the Lord. He is our Help and our Shield." (Psalm 33: 20)

We are commanded to wait!

"Return to your God. Hold fast to love and mercy, to righteousness and justice, and WAIT expectantly
for your God continually!" (Hosea 12: 6)

I Corinthians 11:33 tells us, that when we gather together, to eat the Lord’s supper, we are to wait for
one another.
How much more, as the Lord gathers both husband and wife together towards Him, should we make
allowances for each other and allow each to go at their own pace.

The word of God IS working mightily in our marriage. It WILL accomplish all that our Father has
desired and designed for it.

Questions:

• Will we, in respect for the ways and working of the Holy Spirit, resist own tendencies to "take
over"?
• Will we remain faithful to our Father, when it seems as though nothing is happening.'
• Will we wait with quietness, composure and confidence as the Holy Spirit floods us with His
power?
• Will we look at our spouse with new eyes, as we feel the way God is dealing with our own
failings?
• Will we be bound together in our compassion for one another, as Father adjusts each one of
us, and makes us what we ought to be?

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 CHAPTER 19
MARITAL MANNERS
When we are brought into the Fathers family, the Holy Spirit begins to teach us that things are done
differently in His household.

We may have come from different cultures, where patterns of behaviour may not really have mattered.
Or we may have learned a very strict code concerning what is acceptable or appropriate.

Either way, we stand before our Father now, ready to be taught and trained in HIS principles. We
follow the example of Jesus Christ Himself, and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt us when we are not
sure how to behave. Hopefully we will have good role models around us, so that we can imitate their
good behaviour as they imitate Christ.

Questions:

• Are we aware that some of the things we do, or consider to be 'normal' are not acceptable in the
environment of Gods family?
• Do we know that the way our family functions or operates, has to now come UNDER Father's
rule of love, acceptance, consideration and forbearance?
• Are we prepared to do things differently because of our love for God?

Some or the basic examples of good manners should have been instilled in us from our upbringing and
school life. If they were not, the word of God is a rich source of learning, as we mature in Christ.
Simply put, good manners mean that we:

• Put others first.

• We are polite.
• We say thank you out of sincere gratitude.
• We make eye contact with those we are speaking to.
• We actively look for ways to help and serve others.

We can find references to these ways of living if we read:(Ephesians 4:1- 3) (Ephesians 5:1- 4)

In a marriage, it is essential that good manners are in place. They form a base of affectionate respect for
our spouse, and they demonstrate to them that we hold them in high esteem.
It’s a sad fact, that all the wonderful care and consideration we experienced while we were ‘courting’
each other, can simply disappear after we are married. Do we think that now we have our spouse to
ourselves that good manners are no longer necessary?

"Oh but they know I love them" we say. I need to be relaxed at home and not have to "stand on
ceremony".

Let’s look at the way we are treated by Jesus Christ. He never overrides our will. He always stands at
the door and knocks until we give Him permission to enter. He never berates, belittles or demeans
us. He always allows us to keep our dignity, even when we mess up terribly.
He never criticises, He is never rude or harsh with us. This is because LOVE has good
manners. He is the Son of God’s love- God (LOVE HIMSELF) is His Father. (Colossians 1: 13)

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We too are sons of God’s love because we are in Him.
I Corinthians 13:4-8 shows how love behaves, and has the best manners.

"Love endures long and is patient and kind. It never is envious, nor boils over with jealousy. It is not
boastful or vainglorious, it does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited arrogant and inflated
with pride. It is not rude (UNMANNERLY,) and does not act unbecomingly. Love, Gods love IN us,
does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not SELF seeking. It is not touchy, fretful or
resentful. It takes no account or the evil done to it. It pays no attention to a suffered wrong. It does not
rejoice at injustice, and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under
anything and everything that comes. It is ever ready to believe the best of every person. Its hopes are
fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything without weakening."

All this is utterly impossible if we are still relying on our own kind of love.
How thankful we are, that we need not be hopeless when we consider the intensity of this love. We are
utterly UNABLE to love like this, BUT – “God’s love has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy
Spirit Who HAS been given to us" (Romans 5:5)

Questions:

• Will we ask what our spouse would prefer?

• Will we consider for a while, what it must be like to live with us?
• Will we ask our spouse about their likes or dislikes?
• Will we treat our spouse with the same respect that Christ has for them?

"Then was I, in the king’s eyes, as one to be respected and be allowed to find peace"
(Song of Solomon 8:10)

In a Spirit filled marriage, both husband and wife know that their eyes are on the Lord, and that His
eyes are on them. They are acutely aware of how He loves each spouse, and how He wants them to be
treated.

Angry words are responded to by a gentle spirit. When either one is tired, the other does all they can to
help, regardless of the task. In this way, the whole relationship is kept in the love of God. (Jude 1:21)

Let’s not allow our religious ways make us forget how to take care of the most important task we have,
to love each other as Christ has loved us.

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 CHAPTER 20
ROOTS AND FRUITS
The Bible speaks of us as trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE may be glorified.
(Isaiah 61:3)

For us, or our marriage, to be a healthy tree, the roots must be strong, and able to draw from a reliable
source of water.

Our water is the life-giving word of God. This alone can anchor us into Christ Himself, and keep us in
place as we reproduce His own nature in our relationship with Him, and with each other. It must be
rooted in love, joy, peace. It cannot survive if its roots are continually drawing from bitterness,
unforgiveness, jealousy, resentment or pride. These need "root canal treatment" in the same way that a
tooth can be saved under skilled dental work.

We cannot psycho analyse our way out of a wrongly rooted marriage.

The roots are like underground cables, running from our heart, deeply plugged in to the right Source or
a wrong one. The only remedy is to disconnect the cable root, unplug it and then re- connect it to a new
power source, Christ Himself.

The Holy Spirit, if we listen and learn from Him, will show us exactly what is the condition of our
roots.

We may be strongly rooted into our nationality, our family traditions, our politics, our education, or all
of the things which have made us who we are. These are all valid and valuable, but they have to take a
lower place in our lives when our Father takes us out of our own ideas and into the reality of being a
beloved son in His own House and family.

We may be rooted in our religious life, our religious knowledge, or our religious calling, but even all
these must bow and take their fuel and food from Christ Himself.
"Have the roots of your being firmly and deeply planted in HIM, fixed and founded in HIM."
(Colossians 2:7)

Questions:

• When we think about our roots, what comes to mind first?

• Which “underground cable roots” has Christ already re-routed into His way of thinking and
being?
• Are we ready for the Holy Spirit to expose more damaged or infected roots, and then to lead us
into the disconnection process?

Galatians 5:19 tells us that the symptoms of wrong roots are OBVIOUS. They are all the “works of the
flesh”, or the natural outcome of leaving the Holy Spirit OUT of our lives and marriages.

On the other hand, the fruits of the Right Root, Jesus Christ Himself, are produced by the Holy Spirit
quietly, secretly, and privately, as we allow Him access to the deepest places in our heart.
(Galatians 5:22)

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"May He grant you, out of the rich treasury of HIS glory, to be strengthened and reinforced with
mighty power in the INNER MAN by the Holy Spirit HIMSELF indwelling your INNERMOST
BEING AND PERSONALITY. " (Ephesians 3:16)

For the ‘personality' of our marriage to change, it roots must be taken over, possessed, and then ruled,
controlled, led, and inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Questions:

• If the right fruits are evident in a marriage there will be peace. Which parts of our marriage are
not peaceful?
• If conflict is being produced and generated from wrong rooting, are we willing to admit it,
actively re-root (repent) and re-connect to Christ through submissive obedience?

Peace can only come from a love for Christ which is deep enough, strong enough, and serious enough,
for us to actually obey Him. (John 14: 24)
Peace can only come to live with us in our homes, if we not only know His word, but actually obey it.

There is no better training ground than a godly marriage.

A Spirit filled spouse has put themselves under the jurisdiction and administration of the Holy Spirit.
They may make many mistakes as they grow in Christ, but they harbour no malice. The root is fixed
and becoming stronger and healthier every day.

Once we were rooted in darkness and fear, but now we are "rooted deep in love and are founded
securely on love". (Ephesians 3:17) (Ephesians 5:8)

A Spirit filled marriage is alight with the glory of God. He displays Himself in, and through it. It feeds
from the Living word.

➢ It is inspired by the life-giving Spirit.

➢ It is rooted in the eternal love of God.

➢ It is immovable. (I Corinthians 15:58) (1 Peter 5:9)

➢ It is inaccessible to enemy threats. (Psalm 91:8)

➢ It came from God; it lives through Him and for Him. (Romans 11:36)

➢ It is an anointed union of two hearts united with one mind and purpose. (2 Corinthians 13:11)

➢ It is dwelling & abiding in Christ. It bears much fruit by being vitally united to Him (John15:4)

➢ It continues to bear fruit, well into old age (Psalm 92: 14-15)

➢ Its roots are alive and actively drawing love and power from Christ.

➢ Christ is the fruit of it.

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