M AT T H E W H U S S E Y

Getting Out of the

“Waiting Room”
When & How to Define the Relationship
It’s 7 p.m.

You slip on your coat and check your face in the mirror.

No lipstick on teeth? Check.

Hair falling oh-so-casually at the right angle? Check.

Got the right shoes in case the date turns into a stroll on the
sidewalk? Check.

You look at your phone and scroll back through your previous
messages. There are a lot now. It’s been a couple of months
since you first met.

Whenever your friends mention him, you can’t hold back the
shy smile that lights up your face. You think about the scent of
cologne on his neck. The heft of his back muscles, which you
hold as he kisses you.

Oh shit!

You really like him.

It’s not the Big L yet. But it’s not the small L either.

He’s a part of your life now. He’s in the calendar. It’s assumed
you’ll be spending the weekend together. Probably sleep
together.

And you ask yourself that question again, the one your friends
taunt you with in their well-meaning way after a couple of
glasses of wine when they feel it’s time to get down to seri-
ous talk: “So . . . what’s going on between you two? What is
this?”

And you realize you still don’t know . . .

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 HOW TO GET YOURSELF
OUT OF “LIMBO”

So where in the world do you begin . . . ?

I think women have been done a disservice when they are ad-
vised on the matter of getting clear about their relationship
status.

It’s treated as if it’s one of those spy movies, where they ask
their boss for more information about the case they’re pursuing
and he snaps back: “You’ll only know what you need to know,
Agent!”

You know there’s something going on behind the scenes. You

know somewhere in HQ there’s someone who has the answers.
But they won’t be revealed until later in the movie (and proba-
bly at a highly inopportune moment for our heroine!)

Well, guess what?

This isn’t a movie. This is your life and YOU are the damn
boss. You don’t have to live in the waiting room.

In this guide, I’m going to show you how you can take back
control and not feel like you have to wait for the relationship to
“just happen,” or worse, allow someone else to define it with-
out you even getting a say in the matter.

You’ll get answers quicker. You’ll stop wasting time on the

wrong guys and start grabbing the reins of your love life again.

Sound good, Agent?

Then suit up.

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 WHY PEOPLE
NEVER DEFINE
THE RELATIONSHIP

I used to get so confused when women would say to me: “I’ve

slept with this guy a few times, and we talk all the time and
text every night, but I don’t really know what he wants.”

And I would always wonder: So let me get this straight: You

talk every night, but you NEVER talk about what you want in a
relationship?

This was a dumb response on my part.

Because all my years of studying human behavior means I

know the answer.

The truth is simple: People don’t ask questions when they

are afraid of the answer.

It’s the same feeling if you’ve ever been in debt and don’t want
to open your mail.

You know those bills need your attention, but you can’t face
knowing the truth. It would be so much easier if you faced up
to the answer and got clear about where you stand financial-
ly, but it makes your stomach sick to even think about dealing
with it.

The same happens in love.

I would also be naïve to deny that there are deeply entrenched

gender norms at play.

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You’ve heard the clichés:
• Women aren’t supposed to chase men.
• Women who are desperate for a relationship are
seen as low-value.
• Women want to feel chosen. They don’t want
to convince a man to decide on a relationship
with them.

And these things seem to make sense.

Except . . .

NONE of these things have anything to do with finding out

where the hell you actually stand with a guy!

Asking “what are we?” isn’t some low-value sign of despera-

tion.

In fact, let me lay a really big bombshell on you: Having a

real conversation with a guy about where you stand, if
approached in the right way, can actually raise your value
and make you even MORE attractive.

When you take control, start to assert what you want, and ap-
proach the “Define the Relationship” conversation in the right
way, you have absolutely nothing to fear about being per-
ceived as low-value or desperate for broaching the subject.

Let’s talk about how to do it.

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 THE 3-STEP GUIDE TO
HAVING THE “WHAT ARE
WE?” CONVERSATION

Shut the door, have a seat.

I know this conversation isn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean it has
to be so hard either.

If you do this right, it should actually feel totally natural, like a

simple extension of your already-flourishing new romance with
the person you’re dating.

Unfortunately, I know some people reading this will think, “This

isn’t a new romance. I’ve been in this bloody thing for two
years now and we still haven’t made it official!”

So to be clear: This three-part conversation is set up for you to

define the relationship whether it’s been a couple of months
or a couple of years.

The key is to realize that as soon as you do this, you’re taking

matters into your own hands. You are not risking anything.
You are buying yourself the answers you REALLY need to
move forward and begin the next chapter of your life (with
or without him).

Before anything else though, you need to get your mindset

right.

And here’s the first step:

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STEP 1
DO NOT APPROACH THE
CONVERSATION OUT OF FEAR
If you’re going to get the relationships you want, you have to
get TOTALLY comfortable owning what you want.

It means listening honestly to your needs . . .

It means bracing yourself for the difficult conversation . . .

It means being OK with discomfort . . .

And crucially, it means making peace with whatever the

outcome of that conversation is, because you realize that
knowing where you stand is more important than any outcome.
You are doing this for YOU.

So many people approach the “Define the Relationship” mo-

ment as if they’re asking for a huge favor.

They shuffle their feet, they can’t make eye contact, they feel
apologetic.

And this energy carries over to the person on the other side of
that conversation.

It is as if they are saying: “Sorry to bother you, and I wish I

didn’t have to ask, but . . . do you maybe, possibly, perhaps,
sorta kinda see this going anywhere?” (Cue wincing as they
brace themselves for a response.)

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Listen.

We have to start our entire love life by recognizing our own

value.

You have to look at yourself in the mirror and be able to say:

“I AM the asset.”
“There is no one whose life wouldn’t be
immeasurably improved by having me as
a partner.”
“I bring joy and life and fun and stimulating
conversation to anyone I spend time with.”
“I deserve someone who truly wants to be
with me.”

If you believe these things deep in your bones, you’ll never

operate out of fear again.

And if this feels difficult right now, remember:

Your time is infinitely more valuable than any temporary

connection.

Most people get stuck in less-than-perfect situations because

they forget about the precious days, months, and years they
could be wasting with the wrong person instead of being
open to finding the right person.

Start by valuing your time. Then turn that into valuing your-
self.

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured
that the world will not raise your price.”
– Jean Sibelius

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No asset in the world—your home, your bank balance, your
career—is more valuable than how you spend your precious
minutes on this earth.

Why waste them in the “waiting zone?”

Commit to yourself now: I have waaayyy too much sh*t to

do in my life than to sit parked in the “waiting zone.”

So if someone wants to hop in and be a part of the amazing

road trip that is your life, they better be ready to move forward.

* * *
Now that you’ve got your mindset right, how do you go about
having this conversation?

Let’s move to the next part of the plan: To jumping out of lim-
bo and getting the love you really deserve:

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STEP 2
BE THE CHOOSER,
NOT THE CONVINCER
If you’re going to have a REAL conversation about where
you’re going, you need to do it in a neutral space.

Don’t wait until you’re in bed together and things are about to
get sexual (and if you don’t want to get sexual until you know
this is going somewhere serious, then just say you’re not ready
to move forward yet, and talk to him later).

You want to pick a time when:

• You’re not clouded by sexual passion.

• Neither of you has been drinking.
• You’re not tired.
• Or anything else that could cloud your judgment
and cause you to say things in the moment you
don’t really mean.

For example, if you have the conversation when you’re both

full of desire for each other, the two of you could easily end up
saying what the other wants to hear (or ignoring when he tells
you what you don’t want to hear), and jumping into bed any-
way.

You don’t want to do this.

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You want a space where you can either meet in the daytime,
or have a phone call in a spot where you feel comfortable.

Second, when you speak, you want to state the facts as clear-
ly as possible. This isn’t a “gotcha” conversation, nor is it the
beginning of a negotiation or an accusation of wrongdoing.

It’s you simply getting 100% clear about where you stand and
whether you are moving forward.

So when you open the conversation, you want to include

three things:

• What you currently feel about him.

• What you want (what level of commitment are you
looking for?)
• Why you need to get clear about this now.

Let’s go through each of these briefly:

Say What You Currently Feel About Him

I’ve known a lot of people who approached this conversation
with palpable annoyance, sadness, anger, frustration, and
even rage.

Usually this is because they’ve held their tongue for months,

and then it explodes out of them like a fire-breathing drag-
on as they yell: “WHAT ARE WE ANYWAY?! ARE YOU JUST
STRINGING ME ALONG OR WHAT?!”

It may not surprise you to hear this, but this tends to back-
fire spectacularly, as they are labeled “dramatic,” “intense,”
or even “crazy” (not that this is a fair label, but it’s known

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for a reason as a classic male response when faced with
this moment).

Which is why you need to (a) have this conversation BEFORE

you feel that level of frustration, and (b) begin with something
positive.

This isn’t to placate the male ego. It’s to actually acknowledge

why you’re even having the conversation in the first place.

It might be as simple as saying:

“So I feel like we have amazing chemistry and I’ve

started to develop strong feelings for you . . .”

“I’m having such a great time hanging out and

spending time together . . .”

“I feel like we’ve become really connected over the

last month or two and I look forward to speaking to
you every day . . .”

“I care about you and feel really close to you . . .”

It doesn’t need much more than just a sentence. But it’s a cru-
cial sentence. It sets the tone for the rest of the conversation.

Most people begin the conversation as though they have ter-

rible news: “Listen, I’m so sorry, but, you know, I actually think
we should talk about what we are . . . I know, it’s a pain, sorry
again, my bad!”

You need to approach this from the mindset that commitment

and moving forward in the relationship is something that is
actually exciting.

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Say What You Want
When people “define the relationship,” not everyone is al-
ways looking for the exact same thing.

Some people are looking for an official stamp: Either we’re

boyfriend and girlfriend now, or we’re nothing.

Others are looking for an indication of exclusivity: “I’m not

seeing anyone else right now, and I want to make sure you’re
not either.”

While some may argue that this is splitting hairs, these are
distinct in their own way, so it’s important to get clear on what
you’re actually asking for.

If you do definitely want a relationship, then that’s great. It

makes the conversation pretty simple. If you want exclusivity,
that’s also pretty simple.

You can say:

“I’m looking for something real, and even if we may not

know where this is going yet, I don’t feel comfortable dat-
ing people and sleeping with other people at the same
time. So I want to see if you’re on the same page about
that since I don’t want to assume.”

The good thing about both of these outcomes is that they are
clear. That is, he either wants to be your boyfriend right now,
or he wants to be sexually/emotionally exclusive. If he says
yes, then great.

Whereas if you go into this by saying: “I just want to know

how you feel about us . . .” or something vague, it gives room
for a wishy-washy answer. You’ve heard these before. He

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might say something like: “Well, I think you’re great. And we
have the best time together. I’m just really enjoying being in
the moment and seeing where this goes. I want to just take it
slow and see how we feel . . .”

That sort of thing is a non-answer, but it’s because no serious

question was ever posed.

So it’s important to get clear: What is the result I’m looking

for? What do I really want to know after this conversation?
(Beyond him saying, “I think you’re great,” which could just
as well mean, “I think our sex is great,” or any other myriad
interpretations.)

Why You Need to Get Clear About This Now

In a study described by the psychologist Robert Cialdini, it
was found that persuasion is always more effective when you
give a reason for what you’re asking.

For example, in one study, they had a group of people ask to

cut in line at a store.

If they added a reason—“I need to cut in line because I need

to get to my car quickly”—people were much more likely to
accept (even if the reason was stupid and made no sense!)

Now, I refer you to this not to encourage you to employ de-

vious techniques to Jedi-mind-trick a man into commitment
(which doesn’t work long-term, by the way. Like hypnosis,
people can only be encouraged to do things that are within
their sphere of genuine desires.)

But what it does emphasize is the importance of giving your

reasons.

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If you don’t, it may just seem like you’re striking up this conver-
sation out of the blue, prompting him to say:

“Why does this matter right now?”

“What’s the rush?”

“Why are we getting so serious when we were having fun?”

So you want to explain why.

It could just be that you say: “I’m not someone who likes to
date casually.”

Or: “We’ve been seeing each other for a while now and I want
to make sure we want the same thing.”

Or simply: “I don’t want to get more emotionally involved if

this isn’t going somewhere.”

When you do this, you give him and yourself a clear reason
why you need to make a decision on this. It gets rid of the wig-
gle room, or the instinct to put this off and wait another month
(only to do the exact same thing again).

Make a reason. Write it down. Say it to him.

You need to go into this with a strong sense of your value and
be clear about your needs.

It’s not a negotiation, it’s a statement of how you want to move

forward (if at all).

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STEP 3
BE PREPARED TO BACK
UP YOUR CONVERSATION
WITH ACTIONS

Now for the final part.

You’ve learned how to talk, but if the conversation doesn’t go

the way you want, you’re going to need to walk.

So many times, people have said to me: “OK, he said he’s re-
ally not sure at the moment. But he says he doesn’t want to be
with anyone else and still wants to hang out . . .”

Well, what you just got was the answer of a man who knows
only one thing: He isn’t ready to commit.

It doesn’t make him a liar.

He may think you’re the best woman he’s ever met. He may
feel like he wants to talk to you every single day. He may think
you’re the best sex he’s ever had.

But for whatever reason, he just can’t find it in himself to go

the whole way and get into a relationship.

So it’s time to stop analyzing, and start acting.

Instead of now going to dissect his answer with your girl-

friends, or crossing your fingers and hoping he comes around,

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you now have to act with 100% conviction on the new clarity
you have.

I know it will be difficult.

Part of you will want to say, “Screw it, I’m just going to keep
going and have faith.”

But faith isn’t helpful here. Because he’s confirmed that he

doesn’t have it.

And don’t allow yourself to be fooled by what I call

“Honesty Remorse.”

This is when you say what’s on your mind, it doesn’t go the

way you’d hoped, and you’re filled with fear and regret that
you “blew it” by saying what you feel. You will suddenly make
a million excuses to yourself: “Maybe it was too soon to ask,”
or “Maybe if I see him one more time he will realize . . .”

See these feelings as the illusion they are. And know that now
it’s time to protect your heart, protect your self-esteem, and
do the most loving possible act you can do for yourself and
move forward.

Remember that you had this conversation because you need-

ed to know where you stood. You did it for you—for your
peace of mind—and to get clarity. And the only way to build
your self-esteem is by making decisions that serve you and by
sticking to them. This is how you send messages to your sub-
conscious, letting yourself know: “You may like him, but you
like yourself way more.”

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So you can tell him in the most clear and straightforward way:

“I understand where you are. And I’m glad you’ve been

honest with me. But I can’t keep going in this knowing
that we’re not the same path/looking for the same thing.
I know what I want, so I need to move forward, even if it
means us not seeing each other anymore.”

And somewhere in this conversation, make sure you’re

straight up about the fact that you cannot do further phone
calls, dates, texting, etc.

Sure, if he comes back in a week and knows exactly what he

wants—such as a real, exclusive commitment—then by all
means you can reopen the door again.

But as for him calling to say he misses you, or sexy texts, pics,
funny GIFs, or just “hey, how’s it going” chats? Those have to
end.

This isn’t some game-playing chess move, or a sneaky tactic

to manipulate him.

This is you actually showing that you mean what you say, and
you’re not going to live in a halfway house with someone who
isn’t serious about fulfilling your deepest needs.

And remember . . .

Whatever happens from here, you have done something you

can be immensely proud of.

You’ve held your head high. You’ve spoken up for what you
want. You’ve courageously dug into your own soul and spo-
ken to what it was crying out for.

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This is a tremendous act.

Having difficult conversations, even when they don’t lead to

the desired outcome, is what saves you from wasting years of
your life.

Not to mention, acts like this are exactly what build your
self-esteem. Setting a boundary and sticking to it is the sur-
est way of telling yourself you have your own back.

With this conversation, no matter the outcome, you win.

You either get someone who wants what you want, or you get
the path ahead cleared for someone who really does.

The next step is yours to take with pride.

Now, of course, this is only one of the conversations you’ll have

on the road to a relationship and beyond.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Great! I now know how to

confidently define the relationship and raise my value with the
words I say, but what about OTHER difficult conversations with
a guy?”

What happens when a tricky situation comes up with a guy

and you feel like you keep making the same mistakes without
someone to coach you through it?

(Not to worry. I’ve thought of that, and I’ve got you covered!)

You’ve probably noticed that from time to time throughout this

guide, when I explain certain principles, I give a specific exam-
ple of what you can say to your guy—a little “script” you can
use word-for-word.

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(It’s OK to admit that you like those parts the best—most
people do! These proven-to-work “scripts” take the pressure
off in those tense beginning moments and allow you to get
it right. There’s plenty of time to be spontaneous down the
road once you feel comfortable and secure!)

Now, since this is a quick-start guide, I couldn’t possibly give

you a script for every scenario, but here’s the good news . . .

There are certain words and phrases that make men respond
to you like magic in every possible situation—from flirting, to
casual dating, to getting a commitment, and beyond.

And when you say these certain words—whether in person or

over text, email, or phone—you can create the kind of insane
connection that will keep any guy you want coming back for
more.

I’ve spent years compiling and crafting the exact, word-for-

word scripts for dozens more scenarios that offer the oppor-
tunity to build his attraction, raise your value, get him to open
up to you, make him curious about you, and show the most
confident, interesting, and seductive parts of who you really
are.

Plus you’ll learn how to avoid the toxic phrases or conver-

sations that push him away and make him lose attraction
in every stage of dating . . .

So if you’re ready to connect more deeply and master the

skills of attractive communication, grab all 59 of the secret
scripts in my bestselling How to Talk to Men program . . .

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Click here to watch the “Secret Scripts” video and get your
copy . . . You’ve got the knowledge, so now it’s up to you to
put it to the test. Be bold, state your needs, and take
control of what you really want from love.

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