3 Drunk Santas
By
Jack Connelly

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 2.

INT. PIZZA PLACE - DAY

MARK (28) is standing at the back of the line waiting to
order his pizza. It is an early December day and all of the
people in front of Mark in line are all dressed up as Santa
Claus for Santa-con. Mark looks out the window and sees the
whole block outside of the pizzeria is crawling with more
drunk people dressed as Santa. Mark is dressed in his usual
all grey outfit and stares at all of the people around him
and just takes it in. A particularly loud and drunk person in
front of Mark lets the whole store know their plans.
RANDOM SANTA #1
So... so what I was thinking... and
listen to me, after we finish this
we should hit up Ralph's because I
just got a text they have some
crazy drink specials going on right
now.
Mark laughs a little under his breath when he hears this but
keeps it to himself. The line is moving slowly as Mark
listens to these people attempt and fail to order what they
want over and over. The CASHIER (23) is visibly losing her
patience with the entire group.
CASHIER
That'll be $7.76.
RANDOM SANTA #2
Seven seventy six, yeah I got you
here.
The Santa messes around inside of his pockets for a second
and finds nothing inside of any of them.
CASHIER
Sir that will be $7.76.
RANDOM SANTA #2
I know I heard you just give me a
second I am trying to find where I
put my wallet. It's here I know it.
CASHIER
If you can't pay for this sir
theres a long line of people behind
you who are waiting to buy their's.
The Santa frantically pats down every part of his body trying
to find his wallet but can't find it.
 3.

RANDOM SANTA #2
Shit... Hey everyone! I lost my
wallet can anybody in here spot me
for like eight dollars please!
Nobody in the store says anything back to the man and an
awkward silence envelopes the store.
CASHIER
Sir if you can't pay then please
step out of the restaurant.
RANDOM SANTA #2
Hey fuck you I can be wherever I
want and somebody in here has to
help somebody out in their time of
need. Can anybody help?
As the Santa turns around to start and ask the crowd again
for money the cashier behind the counter gestures to one of
the bigger workers in the back. SCOTT (34) stops adding
toppings to the pizzas that he is working on and walks around
to the register where the cashier points at the man in front
of her.
RANDOM SANTA #2 (CONT'D)
So nobody here can help me out at
all! Hopefully this place takes
I.O.U's.
As the Santa is saying this Scott picks up the Santa and
drags him to the exit. Santa tries to shove Scott away but
it's no use.
RANDOM SANTA #2 (CONT'D)
Let me down you brute! I left my
wallet at the bar is that a fucking
crime now!
He gets dragged out the front door and thrown out into the
crowded street into a pile of snow.
RANDOM SANTA #2 (CONT'D)
When I find my wallet I'm coming
back in there to buy my pizza and
I'm gonna kick your ass too while
I'm at it!
Scott just turns around and goes back to his spot making
pizzas behind the counter. As he walks past the cashier he
says to her.
SCOTT
All gone.
 4.

CASHIER
Thanks Scott. Next in line please!
The line begins moving normal again. Mark stands looking out
the window at the recently exiled Santa and how he
immediately gets up off the ground and starts his walk across
the street to another bar where he greets a new group of
Santa's. Mark laughs again and then looks up to the sky in
frustration with how slow the line is moving.
Three new boys enter the restaurant at this moment. JAXON
(22) HUNTER (21) and RYDER (22). The three are in their Santa
outfits and look more inebriated than the rest of the crowd
waiting in line. The boys get in line behind Mark and stand
close enough to almost be touching shoes with him. Mark
shuffles forward slightly but when he does the boys just move
a step further as well. Mark sighs and rubs his face in
disbelief.
JAXON
Thank god we got out of there when
we did.
HUNTER
Real shit man, did you see some of
the people that were left in there?
RYDER
Dude straight up I've never seen a
room of people that ugly before and
as soon as that one girl starting
talking to us I knew we were out.
JAXON
I had the same thought when that
chick came up man. I love how in
tune we are.
The two high five each other and Jaxon hits Mark in the back
with his elbow.
JAXON (CONT'D)
Oh shit my bad man.
MARK
You're good.
Mark says as the frustration in his face rises and he moves
forward again to avoid the boys.
Hunter is looking at his phone and suddenly starts jumping
around in the air waving his phone.
 5.

HUNTER
Guys! Holy shit, holy shit, guess
who just sent me a text asking us
to meet up?
JAXON
Don't say it's who I think it is.
RYDER
Please tell me it's who we think it
is.
HUNTER
Mary and all her roommates are at
the Drunkin' Old Lady right now and
they are asking for us to get
there!
The three start to high five and fist bump each other in
excitement.
RYDER
Well fuck this place then lets go
there right now.
Mark lets out a sigh of relief when he hears this.
JAXON
No dude I am starving right now and
I need this pizza first before I
can spit game like that.
HUNTER
That's facts, but look at this line
its gonna take forever to get
through this B.S.
RYDER
We could get something else on the
walk there.
JAXON
No guys! We are getting pizza here.
Just let me think of a way to get
out of here faster.
The three look around the store trying to find a way to get
out faster.
JAXON (CONT'D)
Here I got it watch this.
Jaxon taps Mark on the shoulder.
 6.

JAXON (CONT'D)
Hey man I don't know if you've been
hearing us but we have somewhere to
be real soon and we were wondering
if we could just get in front of
you in line so we could get out
faster. It would be a huge huge
huge help man.
MARK
No that's okay thank you though.
Mark answers and then turns his back on the trio.
JAXON
There's no need to be a dick. We're
just in a hurry.
HUNTER
Yeah man can we just get in front
of you. We promise we will order
quickly here.
MARK
I've been waiting in here for
fifteen minutes already. I am not
letting you guys in front of me so
you can go get more drunk.
RYDER
We're not just going to get drunk
we have some women waiting on us
that we want to see.
MARK
Well tell them their gonna have to
wait because I'm not moving.
HUNTER
Sorry that we have some people
waiting on us out there unlike you.
MARK
Sorry I missed out on the get drunk
at noon dressed as Santa memo in
the mail.
HUNTER
What the fuck man? What is your
deal?
 7.

MARK
I don't have a "deal," I just
refuse to let three asshats like
you cut me in line to go strike out
at a bar.
JAXON
Strike out? You don't know who
you're talking to.
MARK
Out of all these insults the one
that hurt you most was that you
strike out? Fuck thats sad.
Mark begins to laugh at the boys and again turns his back on
them.
This prompts Jaxon to try and barge through Mark to stand in
front of him. When he tries to Mark moves to be in his direct
path and blocks him. Jaxon tries the other side and the two
men are just checking each other into the wall on one side
and the rope on the other.
JAXON
Seriously man we were being nice
before but you gotta move.
MARK
Real serious, I can tell by these
little outfits you guys have on.
Real cute by the way.
Hunter puts his hand around Mark's arm which Mark throws off
violently. This causes the other two boys to start grabbing
at Mark until the three are all tugging at each other. The
cashier begins to notice from the front of the store.
CASHIER
Hey you kids! Knock that shit off
or you're out of here like that
last guy.
The four men stop grabbing at each other for a moment and
stand up straight and collect themselves. They stare at one
another for a second waiting for somebody to say something.
MARK
I can see why none of you have a
Mrs. Clause.
JAXON
That's it!
 8.

Jaxon throws a punch at Mark which connects with his face.

Mark goes tumbling down to the ground quickly and Hunter and
Ryder jump onto Mark on the ground and continue to punch him.
RYDER
Not so funny now is it?
MARK
Get off of me you losers!
The men are rolling around on the floor in the middle of the
crowded restaurant when the cashier notices again.
CASHIER
Scott! We got a few more of them
for you.
Scott rolls his eyes as he stops making his pizzas and goes
to throw out the whole group.
SCOTT
We don't care if you come in drunk
but keep all your stupid fights
outside.
MARK
Hey! I'm not with these guys! I've
been waiting forever for my pizza
and they wouldn't stop bothering
me.
JAXON
No way! This guy started the whole
thing.
MARK
No I didn't!
HUNTER
It was all this guy here, I saw it.
RYDER
Me too!
Mark struggles off the ground away from the trio and dusts
himself off before he is picked up off the ground by Scott
and carried like an upset toddler out of the restaurant feet
dangling in the air.
MARK
Please man, I'm not a part of this
whole Santa shit I just want pizza.
Scott drops Mark outside of the store on the sidewalk.
 9.

EXT. PIZZA PLACE - DAY

SCOTT
Well if you're that hungry I
suggest you find the closest
Domino's. Have a safe day.
Scott re-enters the restaurant to kick out the other three.
Mark dusts himself off and collects his thoughts for a moment
before he starts to walk away into the crowd of hundreds of
Santa's.
As Mark is walking away he can hear the other three getting
kicked out. They get dragged out one by one the same way Mark
did until they are all standing outside yelling at the store.
JAXON
Fuck you guys we had to leave
anyway!
HUNTER
Pizza here sucks everyone! Saw rats
in the back!
RYDER
Hey guys! Look who's over there
staring at us?
JAXON
Well if it isn't the line crusader
himself.
Mark starts to walk away but he can hear them shouting at
him.
JAXON (CONT'D)
Hey man come here! We got to finish
some business here.
Mark starts to walk away faster. He looks behind him and can
see them start to head his way. Mark is running into group
after group of Santa's trying to get away from the trio from
the store. The trio starts to run after Mark.
HUNTER
We aren't gonna hurt you we just
gotta talk to you!
RYDER
Yeah we gotta thank you for getting
us kicked out.
 10.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

Mark is running through the crowd and sees an alley way that
he could escape down. He grabs a Santa hat off of a random
passer by and turns quickly down the alley and tries to hide.
Mark sees from behind a dumpster the trio of guys run past
the alley. Each of their faces grinning ear to ear at the
prospect of catching Mark and beating him up again.
Mark waits behind the dumpster for a moment and waits until
the coast is clear and starts to leave the alley way and find
a Domino's. As he gets close to the exit the trio return
walking back the same way before they notice him in the
alley.
JAXON
Well, well, well, that was easier
than I thought it would be.
MARK
Look guys I don't want to do this.
Just leave me alone and we will
never cross paths again I promise.
RYDER
I don't think you get it man. You
should have just given us your
spot. We usually get what we want.
HUNTER
Yeah and right now I think I know
what I want.
JAXON
Agreed.
The trio start to corner Mark into the alley as Mark looks
around frantically for a way out.
HUNTER
Don't keep looking around like that
there's nothing here. We got you.
JAXON
Yeah and we know what you need to
do.
MARK
What?
JAXON
Get on your knees in front of us
and apologize and kiss our hands.
 11.

MARK
I'm not doing that.
RYDER
It's either that or you leave this
alley looking a lot different.
HUNTER
Yeah so what's it gonna be there
tough guy. Looked so big in the
pizza place.
Mark notices that there is a two by four on the ground near
his feet. Mark starts to go down onto his knees in front of
the trio.

JAXON
Yeah just like that. Now we need to
hear you say how sorry you are for
being a prick and kiss these palms.
The three all stick out their hands palm side up with a
collective anticipation on all their faces.
MARK
Alright, alright fine I will do it.
Mark is on his knees and starts to apologize.
MARK (CONT'D)
I am sorry for... not letting you
cut in line.
HUNTER
What else!?
After he says this Mark makes his move and lunges forward for
the two by four and uses it to smash Jaxon across the face
with it. Jaxon flies down to the ground into a pool of blood.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
Yo he's got a...
Mark proceeds to bash Hunter across the face as well.
RYDER
Hey man, just calm down here for a
moment.
Mark tries to hit Ryder in the face but he cowers and runs
away down the alley.
RYDER (CONT'D)
I'm calling the cops!
 12.

Mark is left standing in a defensive position with the two by

four in the air as he breaths heavily. Mark stares at the two
on the ground as they wince with pain. Mark drops the two by
four on Jaxon's head. He pulls out his phone and puts in his
airpods. He opens up Google Maps and searches for the nearest
Domino's and begins his walk for food through a crowd of
Santa's.
THE END.