Tim Lee

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Dr. Langan

23 October 2020

Just Partners #2

My partner and I came to the conclusion that in order to “co-create a relationship”, it

ultimately comes down to the two parties having the willingness and drive to create and foster

that relationship. That means opening up our emotions and thoughts to each other and being

authentic with each other. In Chapter 5, the book talks about how advocacy can be a “shared

experience”, and I think this portion of the book really helps us understand how we can

encourage genuine dialogue. Kelley writes, “In other words, as the relationships mature, there

will be deep talks, moving toward understanding, working through a lot of ‘crap,’ and dealing

with conflict.” In other words, we need to understand each other’s situations, as well as be able

to talk freely without judgment, in order to be able to get that just relationship in our lives. I

think that mutual trust is absolutely needed in these personal relationships in order to produce

dialogue that pushes both parties to recognize and stimulate those important conversations.

For me, I often found myself dehumanizing others in high school, especially since those kinds of

actions are almost normalized in modern public high schools. My partner agreed and furthered

that statement by pointing out the dehumanization we see in politics, especially with social

media blowing up over the presidential debate between Democrats and Republicans. In terms of

our personal experiences, it was interesting how my partner and I related. For him, being the

stereotypical skinny kid on the football team made him dehumanized to others. People treated

him differently, as well expected less from him, despite his improvements on the field each and

every year. I had similar experiences on the basketball team; as a big and clumsy freshman in

high school, my coaches and teammates gave me very little expectations outside of being a big
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man in the paint, despite me working on other areas in basketball. Given how this frustrated my

partner and me, we could understand how furious affected people get when faced with this harsh

reality with real-life issues. The book talks about ethnocentrism, when people get put into these

boxes and categories because of the perspective they have of the person and/or a certain group,

without understanding that people are different and/or are not defined by their culture.

We can fix these problems in society by practicing interpersonal advocacy. By creating

just spaces for people, we can keep people accountable for their words and how they can hurt

and/or affect other people. The book talks about how, while speaking for others is one way to

help people, maybe a more efficient way is “creating spaces where others can find and use their

own voice.” My partner and I talked about how people have to both be willing to talk and listen,

with intention. Watching the presidential debate last night, I saw both candidates rolling their

eyes and accusing them of ridiculous subjects rather than actually having a productive

discussion. This is obviously an example of how unjust spaces work. The book explains,

“whenever possible, create spaces where if something good can happen, it will.” My partner and

I also discussed how it would be great if everyone could use their own efficiently, but sometimes

we just have to stand up for others. Some people have been oppressed and dehumanized for so

long that they have given up on their place in society. Others are too shy to say anything for

themselves. Both of us talked about how we would be willing to stand for these kinds of people.

However, this topic made me think about those videos of skits on Youtube, asking what you

would do? And while some of those videos are for entertainment, other videos really make me
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think if I were to put in that situation, what would I do? The honest answers in my head

sometimes discourage me, and I strive to do better.

In terms of managing our face, it was agreed between my partner and me that having

good facework is necessary, especially with people with which we have a relationship. I think, as

humans, we all can get a sense when someone is putting on a fake facade or saving face. The

book says when we do this, “we lose access to the humanness that is the core of who we are as

persons.” I told my partner that what is most important to me about facework is having your

genuine face on. Even if it is a face that communicates conflict or trouble, I would rather sit and

talk about it rather than someone being disingenuous because it leads to a discussion that can

help both parties reach at least an understanding or reasoning of why they are experiencing those

certain emotions. My partner also added on to this about how we sometimes don’t show any

face at all. This also leads to confusion and maybe even misinterpretation from people who don’t

know your true feelings. Sometimes when I’m at a small group discussion or at an academic

dinner, even though I am interested in what they are talking about, my facial expression and face

show just a straight face. That leads to others thinking that I am disinterested or not wanting to

be there at all. The book states, “there are times when our face concerns become the primary

focus of conversations and limit our abilities to interact with others in ways that are fair, just and

human.” Managing our faces in an intentional way will ultimately lead to deeper, genuine, and

just discussion with others.