ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

Chansopha Suy

Professor Pelletier

ESL 400

Final Draft Essay 2 Summary/ Analysis Option 4

November 16 2019

Poor Education for Girls in Pakistan and Cambodia

Imagine if you were a young child and you couldn’t go to school. In the United

States it is required that all girls go to school. However, in many other countries school

isn’t required for girls. For example, the Pakistan government doesn’t believe that girls

need to have an education, Taliban has very strict rule for all the girls regarding

reeducation, and in Cambodia the government doesn’t protect the right for education to

their people. Still, one girl in country is very brave and her name is Malala. In Cambodia

the parents decide who goes to school, and they also decide which girls stay home to help

them clean the house. Although, the causes of poor education for girls in Pakistan and

Cambodia are different, the problem that girls don’t have the right to go to school is a

problem that affects both Countries.(Thesis Statement)

(TS1)The cause of poor education for girls is in Pakistan. The Taliban don’t believe

girls need to have an education, and they have a very strict rule for girls. Taliban don’t

want the girls to go to school, but Malala doesn’t agree with Taliban’s rule. She fights the

Taliban rule to have the right for all girls’ education, and she asks all of her friends
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

to join her to go school and do not give up. One day she left her home to go to school, and

she was shot by the Taliban because they tried to stop her from going to school. Malala

keeps continued to go to school and she never give up. She is luckier than any another

girls in Pakistan, because her father is a teacher. So, she has more opportunities to study

and learn. In “The Day my World Changed” Yousafzai, Malala stated that, “it would be

better to plead, ‘OK, shoot me, but first listen to me. What you are doing is wrong. I’m not

against you personally, I just want every girl to go to school.” She wanted all the girls to

have the right, and she never gave up. She kept fighting for her rights and for girls’ rights.

Malala is a brave girl to stand up for herself for the right to education, and she wanted to

show all the men that it is unfair for all of the girls. Pakistan rules can affect girls and their

education.

(TS 2)There are different causes of poor education for girls in Cambodia. The

government doesn’t care if the people get an education (reason 1), but the government

doesn’t have rules to stop anyone from going to school. In “Household Determinants of

Schooling Progression Among Rural Children in Cambodia,” Chansopheak Keng shows,”

However, this argument is far from being conclusive. Chenichovsky (1985), in a

consideration of empirical finding in Botswana, has challenged the notion that the need to

retain girls for household work (reason 2) is a reason to withdraw girls from school.” Every

year, parents pull girls out of school to help them at home. If the parents have more

money, and the father has more education in their families, the girls have a better chance

to school. They support their daughters to go to school up to the four grade. Girls from

poor families don’t have the same chance(reason 3). Also, there is a problem with the

parents’ cultural beliefs in Cambodia (reason 4). They believe that boys need to have more

education than girls. They let boys study in school until the boys achieve their degree.
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

They send their oldest daughters to school only up fourth grade, but they keep their

younger daughter is longer in school. Parents have a lot of the children, and the girls don’t

have the chance to go to school. The parents’ money and cultural beliefs affect their

daughters in the future.

(TS 3) The problems that the girls in Cambodia their parents don’t let them to go to

school and they are similar to the girls in Pakistan, that their government is against them

for going to school.(lacking predicate verb) Cultural beliefs in Pakistan and parents in

Cambodia don’t care for girls’ education. In general girls don’t have the same rights as

boys, and the girls don’t have much chance for education. Chansopheak Keng describes,

“The findings revealed that boys had a higher chance of being kept in school than girls.” In

Cambodia girls’ fathers decide which girls should go to school and which girls should stay

home to help them to clean up and take care of younger sister and brother. Malala define,

“It’s hard to imagine that anyone would see that as a threat. Yet, outside the door to the

school lay not only the noise and craziness of Mingora, the main city of Swat, but also

those like the Taliban who think girls should not go to school. Malala went to school, and

Taliban bullet shot her because Taliban didn’t want her going to school. Both countries’

have very terrible an effect on their own people, and in Cambodia government doesn’t care

of their people.

In conclusion, the girls in Pakistan and Cambodia don’t have the right for their

education, and both countries treat the girls unfairly. One country treats unfairly the girls by

their government and other treats the girls by their parents for their education. The girls in

the Pakistan government are treated unfairly, and if the girls try to stand up for themselves,

and they will get kill by Taliban. In Cambodia girls don’t have much chance like the boys in

the families, and their parents treat them differently from the boys. The parents’ of the girls
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

always think the boys more important than girls. The parents do anything for their sons and

they support their sons in education. All these girls shouldn’t be treat differently because of

their education.

Works Cited

Keng, Chansopheak. “Household Determinants of Schooling Progression among Rural

 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

Children in Cambodia.” International Education Journal, vol. 5, no. 4, Jan. 2004, pp.

552–561. EBSCOhost, .ebscohost.com/login.aspx?

direct=true&db=eric&AN=EJ903878&site=ehost-live.

Yousafzai, Malala. “ Prologue: The Day my World Changed.” Rpt. In ESL 400 Composition

for Non-native Speakers Course Reader. I. Rebekah Taveau: Canada Cologe

Bookstore, 2017. 52.

 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

JIGSAW Readings - How they work:

1. Analyze ONE model essay by following the instructions below in “Step 1.”
2. After you analyze the Model Essay, you’ll share what you learned with your classmates and learn
from them, too. Go around the group until you have heard from each member about each essay.
You’ll learn about multiple model essays: how they are organized and what their strengths and
weaknesses are.
a. Specifically, share the title, the thesis, the TSs of each BP, and the conclusion.
b. Ultimately, answer this question: Did the writer of the model essay satisfy the
assignment? Why or why not? Explain.
STEPS to ANALYZING MODEL ESSAY
Step 1: Analyze your Model Essay (You may work on paper or on the electronic version.)
1. Read the title.
2. Find and highlight/mark and label the thesis statement (THESIS) - usually the last sentence of the
first (introductory) paragraph.
3. Locate and underline/mark and label the main idea of each BP (body paragraph) (the topic
sentence - TS) - it should be the first sentence of the paragraph.
4. Explore and discuss these questions:
a. Does the thesis preview what the body paragraphs (BP) will state?
 Yes
b. Is it a clear thesis statement? In other words, do you easily understand what the essay will
be about? Why or why not? Explain.
 Yes. The thesis statement clearly tells us that the essay is going to reveal the different
causes for poor education in two countries and effects by the poor education.
5. Check the supporting sentences of each body paragraph.
a. Do they directly support (explain, give detail or reasons or provide facts/more information)
the TS of that body paragraph?
b. Why or why not? Explore and explain.
 The topic sentence of the first body paragraph is ambiguous. It seems that the paragraph
is to explore the reasons explaining the poor education for girls in Pakistan, but the topic
sentence fails to deliver an implicit meaning. Some supporting sentences in this
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

paragraph also fail to give relevant details or reasons to demonstrate the topic sentence
and the thesis statement. The first supporting sentence is good, but the following
sentences are central to Malala’s fighting against the Taliban, which is deviated from the
main idea of this paragraph.
 The second body paragraph is organized well, with enough reasons given to explain the
topic sentence and conjunctions to form paragraph coherence.
 The topic sentence of the third body paragraph has grammatical error. The independent
clause lacks predicate verb and object. Since the main idea of this paragraph is unclear,
it’s hard to say the supporting sentences directly elaborate the topic sentence.
6. IF TIME:
a. Read the Intro paragraph (INTRO) (first one of the essay) again.
i. Does it provide BACKGROUND information that is relevant to the topic and important for
the reader to know in order to clearly understand the THESIS?
 Yes. It compares girls’ access to education in the United States, Pakistan, and Cambodia, and
shows the author’s concerns over the poor education in the latter two countries.

b. What kinds of background info does the INTRO provide? Facts, historical details, important info
that provides context for the reader?
 It provides facts about education reality in Pakistan and Cambodia.

c. Read the last paragraph of the essay, the CONCLUSION. How does it conclude the essay?
i. Does it restate the THESIS? Does it summarize the main points of the essay?
 Yes, it restates that girls in Pakistan and Cambodia are treated unfairly in term of education
opportunity. It also concludes the main points of the essay, such as national policy,
government attitudes, and parents’ belief.
ii. Does it leave a final comment for the reader to think about?
 Yes. But it seems that the final comment doesn’t match with common sense. Girls in both
countries are not treated unequally because they receive less education than boys. Instead,
the sentence should be probably written into “All these girls shouldn’t be treat differently
when it comes to access to education”
.
d. Check the in-text citations and Works Cited page. Do they follow MLA rules?
 Most are well. But the first cite in Works Cited page isn’t left aligned.
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

Step 2: Share your analysis with others - WHAT the GROUPS DO:
1. Be sure to choose a couple of time managers who can keep the group on track. You have a LOT to
cover in a short amount of time.
2. Ask questions if you need clarification. Use discussion language.
3. Go through as many Model Essays as you can in the given time.
4. If you run out of time, look at them and analyze them yourself online. Use the questions above in
Step 1 to guide you.
5. BEWARE: Some of these are examples of A papers and some are A- or B+ or B. Can you guess
which got which grade?
 B+
WHAT THE MODEL ESSAY Group Representative/Speaker DOES:
6. Show where the THESIS is on the paper and read it aloud
7. Show the topic sentences and read them aloud
8. Explain if the thesis statement/organization of the essay is clear and logical
9. Explain overall what works and doesn’t work in the essay model (strengths and weaknesses)
10. If time, show/discuss the INTRO and concluding paragraphs. Discuss what the good parts are and
where the essay needs improvement.
ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS ACTIVITY:
1. What are the most important things you learned from this Jigsaw Model Essay activity?
 One thing I learned from analyzing model essay is that we should be clear about the topic of our
essay, that is, what problem or issue the essay is going to central to. This model essay an example
to contrary.
 Another important thing I learned is to be aware grammatical accuracy throughout and after the
writing process.
2. Based on what you learned in this activity, what do you think are the DOs and DON’Ts for writing
essays?

DOs for writing essay # _____ DON’Ts for writing essay # _____

1. Always be aware of coherence, that is keep the supporting 1. Not check grammar after writing.
sentences support the main idea of the paragraph. 2. Not follow the main idea while writing a paragraph.
2. Review the draft one day after finishing it from a perspective
3. Not
of preview the main idea of the body paragraph.
reader. There must be some grammatical errors or irrelevant
sentences.
 ESL 400: ESSAY MODEL ANALYSIS

3. Create a hook to grab the reader’s attention and give a reason

for them to keep reading.

3. What other takeaways did you get from this activity?

 Though we can imitate the structure of excellent essay samples by analyzing them, it’s also important
for us to learn why some essays got low grades. We might find some similar mistakes that we have
made in those essays.