6th Jrs ESSAY 1 0/1

30 may 2022, 18:39

Molina Naiara

1. READ THE MODEL OF AN ESSAY. 0 /0✓

2. /1⚠

WRITING N° 10:

WRITE AN ESSAY. Choose one of these titles:

- All bullies should be expelled from school

- Young peope should be allowed to vote at 16. Do you agree?

Useful language:

1
Nowadays it is widely believed that . anything
Some /many people say . Most people would agree that
2

In my opinion / I believe However, I don’t think that how someone has to govern

3
However, (don't forget about the
Firstly, / The main/first reason is
comma)
Furthermore / for example / for this reason
4
...going to lead for a number of
reasons.
Secondly, . / Also, / Another reason is
5
Furthermore / for example / for this reason
current affairs.

6
To sum up, In conclusion, . I firmly (agree / disagree) that . For example,

As far as I’m concerned because 7

older people
YOUNG POEPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO VOTE AT
16 8
everybody was narrow-minded.
They believed in things such as
Nowadays it is widely believed that young people are "only men can vote" and now these
not mature enough to vote because they don't know beliefs HAVE changed completely.
nothing(1) about their country or how does someone have(2)
9
to be to govern. However(3) to my mind teenagers can
When you speak in general, don't
decide who is going to lead. It's a good idea(4) for a number use the article THE.
of reasons.
Young people...

10
The first reason is that nowadays young people have an offer/add/provide...
open mind to choose their representatives. Thay have fresh
11
 ideas because they have another point of view about the ...
actuality(5). For example(6) the old people(7) grew up in a
12
society where everybody(8) had very closed thougs like
??
"only the man can vote" and now the those thoughts totally
changed. 13
reason,

Secondly, the(9) young people can give(10) new ideas to 14

change the actuality(11) and give a great round(12) of the to ask teeangers about their...
country. For this reason(13) it's a good idea to ask(14) to the
15
teenagers their ideas and take them into account.
no

16
In conclusion, the(15) young people should be allowed to THEY have A great...
vote because have(16) an great mind to think new things and
they can change the mind from a lot of people with theirs(17) 17

ideas. their

Naiara,
The essay is good. It is organised and paragraphs are well-divided. However, I
don't see a clear-cut difference in the ideas bewteen paragraph 2 and 3.
Paragraph two is about teenagers being open-minded/fresh ideas.
Paragraph 3 is about NEW ideas.
Are they not the same thing?
Remember that the ideas should be different.
Chcek grammar mistakes.
Next time we should try to use more specific vocabulary and complex
structures (despite, although, conditionals, etc)