Lilith letter 3 - Dream control and astral magic

I have been on the path of magic for close to a year now (and in a sense all my life) but these
lasts months I have hit a wall but kept struggling. I am now beyond that wall which feels
good. Eager to explore and to learn!

I could control my dreams when young, but it really threatened my sleep and mental health.
Falling asleep while staying conscious felt like dying. Losing control. I came awake with a
start. So, I stopped completely and now I am trying to regain these powers. I have kept on
writing down my dreams, and I feel like there I great power to be found in dreams, but they
often slip out of my grasp, and I can’t control them. Eager to lucid dream again!

I have kept visiting the temple regularly for the ritual magic and I feel as if I have had a small
breakthrough here. Going deeper into meditation and having visions. I am very much
enjoying it and learning a great deal.

I have meditated on the DRT astral sigil but it doesn’t really call out to me. I have also slept
with Gamaliel symbol next to me which really influenced my sleep and dreams.

I have not woken myself up during the night as one of the tasks is. Why? Lack of total
commitment, I guess. Between work, kids, and life it is hard to find the time and the sense of
purpose to devout myself completely to magic. And hardest of all, I still doubt very much. Is
this real? Am I just kidding myself? Yearning to take the leap of faith but hesitating. I want so
much for there to be something more, yet still can’t bring myself to really believe. And in
another sense, I believe in everything and nothing.