ANGER WORK A WORKBOOK FOR MEN TTT CCC STEVEN E. MEYERHARDT UOVUAUUCOUCA AU UCU AEE EREANGER WORK: A WORKBOOK FOR MEN by Steven E. Meyerhardt © 2006 “Transforming Power” Mandala © Alternatives to Violence Project. Used with per- mission. No part of this booklet may be used to facilitate a workshop which is pur- ported to be the Alternatives to Violence Project. For information on the Alternatives to Violence Project, contact AVP/USA, Inc., 1050 Selby Avenue, St. Paul, MN 55104; 877-926-8287; or email avpeavpusa.org. A PROJECT LIFE PUBLICATION ‘his book is funded by the Missouri Department of Mental Health Comprehensive Psychiatric Services. The opinions expressed herein are those of the author. This book is not intended to give psychiatric or medical advice. Address inquiries to the editor at 620 Clark Hall, University of Missouri, Columbia, MO 65211, or call the toll-free LIFE Line at 1-800-392-7348. Project LIFE is a cooperative program of the Missouri Department of Mental Health and the University of Missouri and University Extension.Two WOLVES Once a Brave went to his Elder, to speak of his anger toward a friend who had done him an injustice. The Elder listened, then replied: “At times, I too have felt great fury at those who have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. But hate destroys you and does not harm your enemy. Thave struggled with these feelings many times.” The Elder continued, “It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and then he fights in the right way. “But...the other wolf...Ah! The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper. He is vengeful, angry and violent. “It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both try to dominate my spirit. The same fight goes on inside you, and inside every other human as well.” ‘The Brave paused in deep reflection, then asked, “Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight?” ‘The Elder replied, “The wolf that you feed.” — From a tale of the Cherokee NationTABLE OF CONTENTS Preface... My Story... PART I: TAMING THE WOLF Owning the Problem. Men at Work questions to explore Ready for Change? Men at Work questions to explore Understanding Anger .. Men at Work questions to explore Taking responsibility for our feelings and behavior Men at Work Exercise. Triggers. Men at Work Exercise Reactions to Feelings of Anger Men at Work Exercise se Behavioral patterns of expressing anger sno : Choices in the moment: Safe, healthy responses to anger.. ; 2 Venting Strategies ... Practice, Practice, Practice. Men at Work: Journal of Triggers and Choices. PART Il: FEEDING THE WOLF Conflict Resolution: Exploring safe, healthy choices for everyone involved ‘Transforming Power Mandala... Power Tools for Conflict Resolution. Nonviolent Communication: Creating safety and connection through our words . Nonviolent Communication Tools . Mental Health Information. Other Health Issues.. Resources. A Reference—Childhood Abuse Selected Bibliography...ABOUT THE AUTHOR Steven B. Meyerhardt was certified as an Alternatives to Violence Project trainer in 2002. He presents workshops that use a series of interactive exercises to teach conflict resolution, anger management and nonviolent communication skills. All but a few of these workshops are held at state correctional centers and a federal penitentiary. In addition, the author facilitates a men’s group in Columbia, Mo. ABOUT THIS WORKBOOK Anger Work addresses a normal emotion that can be closely related to mental illness and brain disorders. Anger can bea signal of underlying childhood abuse or unresolved grief. Angry behavior is a symptom of mood disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder, conduct disorders and borderline personality disorder. Sudden hostile behavior can indicate the onset of dementia, and often is involved in Alzheimer’s disease. Anger is related to substance abuse, and to illnesses such as atrial fibrillation, high blood pressure, ulcers and obesity. A recent survey of emergency room patients found that anger greatly increases personal injuries, especially among men. Understanding and expressing anger in a nonviolent way is a key to mental health. This booklet is part of the Project LIFE Prevention and Recovery series, along with Be Your Best, “Road to Recovery,” “Domestic Violence 101” and A Woman's Guide: Healing from Trauma. — Kristen Heitkamp, Director of Publications Project LIFEHOw TO USE THIS WORKBOOK For best results, read through Anger Work once. Then spend three to seven days focusing on one of the sections. Read the section at the start of each day, and do your best to be mindful of its concepts. At the end of each day, review the section and reftect on how the concepts might have played out in your life that day. At the end of each section, complete the “Men at Work” questions or exercises. Create a journal in which to write your answers to the questions or your responses to the exercises. A spiral-bound notebook or a word processing pro- gram is fine—however, keep your journal private. Be patient with yourself. Work at comfortable pace. Upon completion, review both the workbook and your journal once a month. In addition, I encourage you to seek out other men, who are working in this area of growth and change, for support and encouragement. — Steven E. MeyerhardtACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to acknowledge the following people Patrick Kane, Kristen Heitkamp, Wanda Roth, Brian Page, Randall Fletcher, James Lewis, Ronald Brown, Alan Taplow, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Members of the Mid-Missouri Alternatives To Violence Project Council, my New Warrior brothers and Woman Within sisters and the many men and women with whom Ihave sat in circle to do life-transforming growth work. I am grateful for their inspiration, motivation, mentoring, patience and support, without which this book would never have come into being, — Steven E. MeyerhardePREFACE My experience as a presenter of anger management workshops began in 2002, when attended a training organized by the Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP). Since then, I have helped lead dozens of workshops, using a series of interactive exercises to teach conflict resolution, anger management and nonviolent communication skills. All but a few of these workshops took place at state correctional centers and a federal penitentiary. While facilitating workshops in correctional centers, I've noticed that participants often appear to have low opinions of themselves. In one exercise, the participants are supposed to speak about their good qualities for two minutes. This seems to be dif- ficult. Messages that they are “no good,” “worthless,” “lazy,” “destined to fail,” “less than,” “mean,” “going to end up in ail,” etcetera, have paved the path to incarceration. Once incarcerated, these messages are reinforced by their shame, and by the devalu- ing messages they get from other inmates and from the staff. Our core beliefs play a big part in determining how we live our lives. At the very core, every human is a loving being; we all enter this world capable of being loved, loving and lovable. Yet, much as a deep cut will leave a scar or get infected, we have emotional scars and festering emotional wounds that cause us to behave in regret- table ways, I know this because I've walked in the shoes of a wounded man who acted in ways he deeply regrets. My personal growth has developed in an environment of counseling and mentoring. Ifyou seek these resources, I recommend finding a male counselor whose focus is male anger management issues. Men's support groups offer a safe environment in which men can express their needs and find compassionate support from other participants ora licensed counselor. If you seek a support group, I recommend a ManKind Project New Warriors Community, or a men’s issues support group. Other resources are the Alternatives to Violence Project and The Center for Nonviolent Communication. My hope is that this booklet will be used as a guide for those who have suffered the consequences of being unable to deal with their anger in a safe, healthy way. [believe, in most instances, that readers will find life-transforming information for themselves and those with whom they interact. Imagine a world in which all human beings choose to live in the consciousness of safe connection. Such a world is possible. Its manifestation begins with you. — Steven E. MeyerhardtMy STORY People always assumed that I was a nice, mellow person. They would never have suspected that I could fy into uncontrollable rages. But I have—many times. Often my anger was directed at members of my immediate family. I suspect it felt safe to express anger toward those who were unlikely to retaliate. ‘This may sound familiar. It is common among men who don't know how to deal with their feelings in a safe, healthy way. Iwent through some rough times as a child. I was emotionally and physically bru- talized by my father. My mother was institutionalized with mental illness for eight weeks immediately after my birth. When I was five, she had another episode in which she held me hostage and was then placed in an institution for six months. These events had profound effects on me; perhaps the most damaging was my inability to connect with my emotions ina safe, healthy way. Bearing the brunt of my father’s anger, I developed tremendous fear that I might express my anger in the same ways. On the few occasions that I did get angry, my parents made it painfully clear that my anger was never appropriate. I feared that expressing my anger would drive people away, just as I believed my father’s anger had caused my mother's mental illness. Worse, I thought that I was the cause of my father’s anger, and thus, played a role in driving my mother away. So I became a “people pleaser,” doing almost anything to please others and to avoid conflict, no matter what the cost in self-respect. Fear of my father’s anger resulted in depriving me of close friendships with men. Fear of my anger resulted in my inability to maintain long-term relationships with women. My story may be unique, but childhood experiences of physical and verbal abuse are common, and affect many lives in profound ways. This story may shed light on why we often act out in anger, despite our sincere desire for the opposite. Regardless of the origins of anger, and although the healing process may be excruciatingly painful at times, having power over one’s emotions is a life-changing ability. The key to hav- ing such power is the ability to acknowledge, channel and express emotions in a safe, healthy way. ‘Two important beliefs have enabled me to heal. One is that at my core, [believe that Iam a good person. I may behave angrily, but my behavior is not who I am. When I can make that distinction, it gives me the opportunity to change. ‘This is the second belief: no matter how poorly I've behaved in the past, with sincere desire and hard work, I can change, Every moment gives us the opportunity to begin again, Shall we?MEN AT WORK QUESTIONS TO EXPLORE MEE 1. What trauma (or wounds), incurred during childhood, do you think affect the ways in which you now handle anger? 2, What trauma (or wounds), incurred during adolescence and afterward, do you think affect the ways in which you handle anger? 3. How have the ways in which you handle anger affected your relationships with men, women and children throughout your adult life?NoTEsPART I: TAMING THE WOLF(umn OWNING THE PROBLEM If you are reading this book while attending a mandated rehab program, or while in a correctional center, or under the supervision of a parole officer, or if you're painfully estranged from your family, I don’t need to dwell on the price you might pay for your inability to deal with anger in a safe, healthy way. For those of us who may not find ourselves in these circumstances, the greatest price we pay for anger is the pain of failed relationships with partners and family members, and also in every interaction we have with another human being. Well, whose problem is this? How many of us are unwilling to take responsibility for our own problems? Admitting that we have a problem dealing with anger is the first step to resolving it. MEN AT WORK QUESTIONS TO EXPLORE 1, When has your anger created problems for you in your life? 2. When has your anger created problems for others in your life? 3. List three unpleasant experiences that resulted from acting out in anger.READY FOR CHANGE? An important truth about change is that we cannot make another person change, nor can another person force us to change. Although we may acknowledge our anger problem, unless we have a profound desire to change, we will not. Change does not happen until we are ready to change, and our readiness often stems from distress. If we keep doing what we always did, we can expect what we always got. In my work with men, I encounter many who are distressed about being separated from loved ones and/or society. These men desperately seek ways to change their be- havior, yet until they are truly ready to change, efforts to do so are insincere and will fail. If anger is running and ruining your life, now is the time. There is no more precious gift you can give yourself, or those around you, than to change for the better. If the pattern of anger and violence was passed down from generation to generation in your family, you are the one who can break it. You can give this gift not only to your family, but also to generations to come. MEN AT WORK QUESTIONS TO EXPLORE 1, What do you gain by avoiding change? 2. Have you ever felt afraid to change?3. Do you think the people in your life will support your efforts to change? Explain your answer. 4, Do you think the people in your life believe that you want to change? Explain your answer. 5. What changes have you made in your life that were motivated by a catastrophic personal event?UNDERSTANDING ANGER An effective way to solve a problem is to become aware of its cause. Here the prob- Jem is not anger, but how we behave when we are angry. Anger is a basic emotion or feeling, along with sadness, fear and joy. Since humankind first walked our planet, these emotions have played crucial roles in the survival and growth of our species. Studies show that when the brain perceives a threat, it responds with a cascade of hormones that increase heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate, and release sugar and fat into the blood stream, This produces feelings of increased alertness, anger, and fear or agitation. In prehistoric times, these hormones fueled a success- fal physical reaction to avoiding or confronting a threat (flight or fight). Today, we are threatened on a subconscious level: acts of violence pervade movies, video games and television shows. In a survey of research studies on violence, the American Psychological Association noted that “exposure to violent media increases feelings of hostility, thoughts about aggression, suspicions about the motives of others, and demonstrates violence as a method to deal with potential conflict situations.” (APA Resolution on Video Violence, Aug. 2005) In our culture, boys receive the clear message not to show emotions of grief and fear. A boy is judged weak if he acts sad. “Big boys don't cry.” “You're a sissy crybaby.” A boy is judged weak if he is afraid. “Stand up for yourself.” “Don’t be a coward.” Boys are encouraged to be aggressive and to retaliate when provoked. “Don't let that guy talk to you that way.” “The next time, punch that kid back!” These childhood mes- sages influence how grown men deal with their emotions. My experience working with inmates suggests that the fear of looking weak to one’s peers motivates many acts of violence. Our family behaviors and childhood experiences profoundly influence how we deal with anger. Childhood abuse plants self-defeating messages: am unlovable, am stupid, Jam weak, Iam inadequate, I am not good enough, I don't deserve better. We're ashamed of ourselves, so we lash out at ourselves and those around us. Ruining our relation- ships at home and work makes us angry with ourselves. It’s a lose/lose situation. In an Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) workshop, each man in the circle dis- cusses “a way my family handled anger, and how it affected me.” Most responses affirm the correlation between incarceration and dysfunctional families, in which members expressed anger in violent and destructive ways. (See “Reference—Childhood Abuse” on page 47 for additional information.) 10DISCLAIMER: The information in this section is presented to explain behavioral pat- terns. It is not offered as an excuse for abusers who avoid responsibility for their behavior, or who deny that they actively choose to use violence and abuse. It cannot be used as an excuse for self-destructive behavior. MEN AT WORK QUESTIONS TO EXPLORE (emnrcnemcersn eS cmos 1, How did your family express anger? 2. How did the way your family expressed anger affect you? 3. Were you abused physically and/or verbally as a child? If the answer is yes, describe how you think the abuse affected how you deal with anger.TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR Youare the only one responsible for your anger. No one else, and no other circumstance, can “make” you angry: you make yourself angry, To accuse others of making you angry is to give them power over you and your emotions, — Alternatives to Violence Project T'm guessing your reaction to the above statement is similar to mine, when I first read it: “Baloney! Other people do things to me all the time that are offensive, unfair, abusive, disrespectful, mean, inconsiderate, that violate my boundaries, damage my property...on and on. They make me mad because of what they do or say.” Think about this. People react differently when angry—what makes me angry doesn’t necessarily make you angry. There are those who rant and rave about the stu- pid, inconsiderate behaviors of other drivers. (If you don't act this way, I'll bet you know someone who does.) We are not “forced to be angry” by the other drivers. We react with anger because of something else—a trigger. We all have different triggers for our anger, and some of us have more triggers than others, On some level we are not “being made” to feel angry, we are choosing to feel angry. I'm not suggesting that anger is not a reasonable response to what others may do or say. Nor am I suggesting that our feelings of anger need to be justified. In fact, each of us can choose whether we allow someone or something to trigger our anger, and if so, how we wish to respond. Whatever choices we make, we must take responsibility for them. We must—here and now—stop blaming others for our anger. Let’s put it this way. If a man reacts to a behavior or circumstance, he is likely to place blame, to behave in a dangerous, violent manner, and to have his needs ignored. Ifthe responds to a behavior or circumstance, he is more likely to take responsibility for his feelings and behaviors, He is aware of his options. His needs are more likely to be met by making safe, nonviolent choices. In order to change, we must understand our tendency to use others as scapegoats or venting objects of our anger. Commonly, angry men are afraid of expressing anger toward those who have physical or social power—those in authority, like our bosses. Nonetheless, we feel safe directing our anger toward our subordinates. Often the vic- tims of our angry reactions will be our wives, girlfriends, children and pets. We must here and now stop hurting others with our angry behavior. 12MEN AT WORK EXERCISE ERENT Bach day, record what occurred every time you were irritated or angry. At the end of each day, think about why you decided to be angry in each situation. (Some situations that triggered your anger may not involve interacting with people. For example, I tend to get angry when a project doesn't go the way I think it should.) Make photocopies of this worksheet as needed, and date each one. Igot angry when: Did I act on my feeling and, if did, how? Who was responsible for my feeling and behavior? Igot angry when: Did [ act out on my feeling and, if I did, how? Who was responsible for my feeling and behavior?Date Igot angry when: Did Tact out on my feeling and, if I did, how? Who was responsible for my feeling and behavior? I got angry when: Did I act out on my feeling and, if did, how? Who was responsible for my feeling and behavior? got angry when: Did Lact out on my feeling and, if did, how? Who was responsible for my feeling and behavior?TRIGGERS T have come to realize that, since childhood, I have expected to be disrespected. When I perceive that I've been ignored, lied to, misled, butted in front of, interrupted, if the toilet paper roll hasn't been replaced, or a shopping cart is left in my parking space, I am triggered into anger. Each of us has a personal set of triggers. So what makes you mad? If you are strug- gling with anger, it helps to spend some time looking at what triggers it—and why. By taking an inventory of triggers, you'll become more effective in dealing with anger. Triggers are like the chips we carry on our shoulders—our wounds, judgments and expectations. Fear is the glue that holds the chips on our shoulders. We could be afraid of feeling the pain associated with emotional wounds. We may fear rejection or inti- macy. We may fear that our expectations will not be met. In addition, the fear of losing control is a trigger. If we could always control the events in our lives or the behavior of others, anger would not be an issue. We would not experience emotional pain or disappointment. Our projections are also triggers. When we project, we see ourselves in others: their undesirable behaviors or personality traits are similar to ours. Recognizing our “worst” traits in other people tends to trigger our anger. For example, I often procrastinate about my commitments, so I am easily triggered when a friend or family member postpones doing something they said they would do. Another example: It's common for those who are untrustworthy to perceive others as untrustworthy. Finally, be aware that “the issue is not the issue.” If you get mad at someone for doing something that ordinarily would not offend or bother you, stop. Ask your- self, “What is the issue here?” Are you angry because of what they did? Or was it something else? You could be susceptible to physical circumstances—signified by the acronym HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. When these conditions ex- ist, you are more likely to react in an angry way. Pay attention to these unconscious “triggers” and modify them by eating regularly, monitoring your feelings, interact- ing with others, and keeping a regular sleep routine. 15MEN AT WORK EXERCISE Determine in advance what triggers your anger. Under “Triggers” heading, list the instances that cause you to feel angry. ‘As you examine your emotions, it is truly empowering to be aware of the roots of your triggers. So, under the “Roots or Causes” heading, write what you believe to be the source of that trigger. For example, if you wrote that your partner being late is a trigger, the root may be that a parent was always late picking you up from school, and that made you feel unimportant. Now, under “How Angry?” write whether you tend to feel irritated, angry or en- raged in response to that trigger. How appropriate is your level of anger to each of your triggers? If you are truly committed to change, make the time and effort to examine your triggers, to think about their causes, and finally, to assess your level of emotional re- sponse. This works best if you take your time. Don’t attempt it all at once. Start your list, and return to it as you think of other triggers and causes. Once a week, sit down with this list, It will be your record of change. Review your list, and then begin a new page with the “Triggers” and “How Angry?” headings only. List the previous triggers and any additional ones. Draw a line through the ones to which you no longer react. Record whether your level of response has changed Use this list to honor and acknowledge yourself for positive changes in your behav- ior. Use this list to focus on the areas where you can improve. TRIGGERS ROOTS OR CAUSES How ANGRY? oss criticizes me my father belittled me __irvitated__angry X enraged irritated__angry__enraged __irritated__angry__enraged ritated__angry__enraged 16TRIGGERS ROOTS OR CAUSES How ANGRY? a __irritated__angry__enraged ee ll ees __irritated__angry__enraged irritated__angry__enraged irritated__angry__enraged __irritated__angry__enraged irritated__angry__enraged i irritated__angry__enragedREACTIONS TO FEELINGS OF ANGER As we explore our reactions to feelings of anger, we must note two facts. One is that anger is a normal (usually healthy) human emotion. Anger can indicate that a need is not being met, or that something we value is not being respected. If chan- neled properly, anger clarifies relationships and issues, and motivates the resolution of injustices. ‘The second fact is that angry feelings do not cause problems. The problems result from how we behave when angry. It's a real problem if we react to anger in destruc- tive ways. To change the way we react when angry—from destructive, to safe and healthy—we must examine our behavior when triggered. One of my mentors divides men with anger issues into two categories. First are the “monster boys.” These men anger quickly and act out violently. Examples of “monster boys” are bar brawlers and sports event rioters. The second type are men who fear conflict, “stuff” their anger, and try to please everybody—up to a point. Finally, when they do react, people are surprised by their violent outbursts. ANGER LEVEL SCALE Let's take a closer look at the levels of anger: Annoyance: When triggered, we quickly move on. Our level of emotional disturbance is very low and we control our behavior. Irritation: When triggered, we may take action to deal with it, or we may think about it for a short time, then move on. Our level of emotional dis- turbance is moderate and we still control our behavior. Angry: When triggered, we act out our feelings, or dwell on it for a long period, and vent our emotions later. Our level of emotional disturbance is high, and we have less control of our behavior. Rage: When triggered, we immediately act to alleviate our emotional pain. Our level of emotional disturbance is very high, and we have nearly lost control of our behavior. Fury: When triggered, we immediately act to alleviate emotional pain. The level of emotional disturbance is highly distorted, and behavior is com- pletely out of control. As we work on controlling our anger, note that the higher we go on the “Anger Level Scale,” the less control we have over our behavior. 18MEN AT WORK EXERCISE In the Alternatives to Violence Project workshops, participants are given a scenario, such as “another driver cuts you off in traffic and runs you onto the shoulder.” We then line up according to the level of anger we would experience, on a continuum from annoyance to fury. Read the following scenarios, then honestly examine your feelings and determine your place in the “line.” As with the “Triggers” list, revisit this exercise on occasion, to note how you are progressing. Scenario One: A driver cuts in front of you in heavy traffic, barely missing your fend- er only because you hit your brakes. You honk, and they flip you off. My Place on the Lin Scenario Two: You've asked your child a hundred times to replace the toilet paper roll when they use the last of it. You discover that there is no toilet paper within reach when you need it, and you know they were last in the bathroom. My Place on the Line: Scenario Three: You've asked your neighbor not to allow his dog to run loose because it keeps coming into your yard. While gardening, you discover that a dog has dug up and seriously damaged your fower beds. My Place on the Line: Scenario Four: You discover that your wife or significant other has run up a $5,000 credit card balance and has been hiding this from you. My Place on the Line: Scenario Five: You are passed over for a promotion that you believe you deserved. My Place on the Line: 19amemememnnsnasc RUNDSCH BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF EXPRESSING ANGER Immediate or Repressed When triggered, some of us express our anger instantly, Others (ike me) repress it; we hold onto it and replay the triggering event repeatedly, until we've worked our- selves into a frenzy. We may get angry with someone who had nothing to do with the situation, but with whom we feel safe to go off on. While examining the ways you re- act to feelings of anger, pay attention to less overt—yet still destructive—behaviors. (Sometimes I don’t even realize, until later, that I should be angry.) Passive-aggressive Passive-aggressive behavior is a common reaction to anger. When people react to anger in a passive-aggressive way, they retaliate directly against the more powerful person, but in an indirect way that seems safe from retribution, For example, a man’s boss is a tyrant who constantly belittles him. To retaliate, the man steals office sup- plies from the company. Or a husband makes dinner plans without checking with his wife. To retaliate, the wife dawdles and makes them late Regression Regression is another common reaction to our feeling of anger. When we behave ina regressed way, we revert to a less mature pattern of feeling or behavior, usually related to the age when a profound wounding took place. Here's an example. When I was seven years old, I was walking through the back yard of a house under construction. A very angry contractor suddenly appeared and yelled at me for breaking windows in the new house. I was frightened and began crying. Later, I learned that my older sister and her friends had broken the windows. I was angry with the others involved, and angry as the innocent victim. Now as a grown man, when unjustly accused, I behave like an angry, frightened, seven-year-old boy. ‘As you examine your reactions to feelings of anger, remember the concept of regres- sion. Ifyou were abused as a child, you were unable to retaliate. Now as a grown man, when a situation brings up the same painful feelings, you have the physical power to retaliate in a hurtful way. Yet no matter how inappropriately we react to feelings of anger, no matter how long we've behaved in these ways, there are safer, healthier choices. 20erro CHOICES IN THE MOMENT: SAFE, HEALTHY RESPONSES TO ANGER When overwhelmed by feelings of anger, we may react within the first few mo- ments by lashing out verbally or physically. Logically, if we can program ourselves not to react in those first few seconds, we can choose instead a safe response. Rather than a “knee jerk” reaction, a rational response most likely results in the best pos- sible outcome, Here is the key. Violence begets violence. If we react violently when our anger is triggered, we will likely trigger violence in the other person; the situation will esca- late, and the worst possible outcome will occur. Nonviolence begets nonviolence. If we respond nonviolently, we will likely trigger nonviolence in the other person; the situation will de-escalate, and the best possible outcome will occur. Incarcerated participants in Alternatives to Violence Project workshops suggested the following safe, healthy ways to respond to anger in the moment. 1. Deep Breathing. A physiological response to stress is either holding your breath or breathing rapidly. Taking several deep breaths will have an immediate calming effect. This provides more oxygen to your brain, and enables you to think more clearly. An effective technique is to breathe in very slowly, expanding the low- er part of your belly, then release it from the belly on up, very slowly. This technique relieves stress throughout the day. ‘Ihe less stress you carry, the less likely you will react when angry. Try it now. You will notice an immediate calming effect. The more you practice, the more often you will use this technique when stressed or angered, 2. Walk away. Take a “time-out.” If you remove yourself physically, you cannot react physically. Thus, it's impossible to hit, yell, menace, threaten, frighten or make any other violent reaction. By walking away, you do not allow yourself to react; you give yourself time to calm down. Later, you can respond in a safe, healthy way. Inmates often question this response, because they fear the consequences of looking weak or losing the respect of their peers. They fear that in walking away, they appear to be ‘wimping out,” and that fellow inmates will bully them, and will be more likely to attack them. Yet other inmates respond to these concerns by tell- ing stories of how they used a nonviolent response in a potentially violent confron- tation. In every story, the situation was transformed and the best possible outcome occurred. 243. Be quiet. If we speak when angry, we are more likely to vent our feelings in a verbally abusive way. We are more likely to trigger the other person's anger, and they will become defensive. When angry, we often speak irrationally. We exaggerate the other person’s behavior, making statements like “You always” or “You never.” We blame the other for making us angry. So we seldom get our needs met, and our anger—and potential for violence—escalates. ‘Another reason to be quiet is to avoid being defensive, that is, defending our words or actions. Become aware of this, since many of us automatically act “on the defensive.” When I get defensive, the other person gets more upset and our anger level increases. Whereas, if Ijust “shut up” and let them continue talking or yelling, they will eventually run out of steam. 4, Speak slowly and calmly. If speaking is unavoidable, talking slowly in a calm voice has the effect of calming both parties. 5. Change your posture. A threatening posture (squared off, eye-to-eye) sends the message that you are going to react violently. Step back. If you're standing, sit down. If your fists are clenched, release them 6. Count to ten. By silently counting to ten, we delay a violent physical or verbal reaction. One physiological response to anger is that blood leaves the brain to pre- pare other organs and muscles for an aggressive response. So by counting to ten, you allow blood to return to your brain. This method helps you think clearly, and increases the chance that you will respond in a safe, healthy manner. 7. Think about the consequence. Before reacting to your anger, take a moment to consider the consequences. Delay your reaction, using the techniques described above, and ask yourself, “What price will I pay if I get angry? Am I willing to pay?” ‘As mentioned, these are techniques shared by men living in a violent environ- ment. On many occasions they've commented that, if they had learned and used these techniques on the “outside,” most likely they wouldn't be locked up. Now that we are aware of these techniques, we have the power to choose how to react when triggered. ‘This is life-changing knowledge. It’s up to us to use it. We are responsible. 22uN VENTING STRATEGIES: SAFE, HEALTHY WAYS TO CARE FOR OURSELVES WHEN FEELING ANGRY Using techniques to delay our response to feelings of anger, we make a safe, health- ier choice for all concerned. However, our anger does not go away. For physical and emotional health, we must release it. Next we explore safe, healthy ways to do so. Release your anger onto the written page. This is no-holds-barred permis- sion to blame, judge, name call—anything goes. It's an opportunity to rant, to rave and to dive into self-righteousness and self-pity. You can rage without a face-to-face confrontation. You can vent your anger without the risk of anyone getting hurt. The purpose is to get the anger out on a sheet of paper. ‘Then, destroy what you've written, and never, ever—I repeat, never ever—send what you've written to the person who has triggered your anger. This is all about self-care. It is not about telling the offending party what they've done or what a ter- rible person you think they are. °Go for a brisk walk. Walking helps work off “anger energy.” If possible, walk out- doors in calming surroundings, such as a park or nature trail. Engage in vigorous physical exercise. Work out. Lift weights, jog, go cycling, Bowling is an effective “venting” activity. Talk it out with a safe friend. It’s so simple, yet so effective—voicing your frustration and anger will powerfully release negative emotions. You will get a clearer perspective of what occurred, and most important, you will feel much bet- ter. A safe friend is one who will listen and empathize without trying to fix the situ- ation, or worse, rally you to retaliate. Choose a trusted friend who will hold your conversation in strict confidence. Be sure to check with the “listener” to make sure they have time, and are willing to listen. You can combine a previous step (going for a walk) with this, by inviting a friend along on your walk. Vent on an inanimate object. This works best with some planning. For this purpose, I keep a punching bag in my garage. Pounding on a pillow or a couch cush- ion with your fists, or with a tennis racket or a whiffle bat, will do the job as well. Please be safe. If you hurt yourself or damage property while doing this, your anger level will increase. Be sure that no person, pet or object is in harm's way. 23* Twist a hand towel. This is ideal for those who are incarcerated. You are trans- ferring pent-up anger into a terry cloth hand towel by twisting until it is knotted up tight. Then you can shake it vigorously, or throw it on the ground and stomp on it. Yell out your anger. Obviously, this is to be done either where no one can hear you, or around those who know what is going on, and are okay with it. (Side effects may include hoarseness and minor throat irritation.) ‘The following options are effective for calming or distracting us °Sing or play music. Strum a guitar, play the piano, beat drums or your hambone, blast it out on the sax. Making music reduces and releases stress. * Pray and/or meditate. Have a conversation with your higher power. There is no “safer friend” in times of crises. Meditation is an effective way to relieve stress. If you practice a meditation technique, this is a good time to do it. If you don’t have a technique, try this one: Find a peaceful and private place and sit quietly. Make your best effort to calm your mind for at least twenty minutes. Start out with deep breaths. Repeating a phrase such as “all is well” or “I am safe here” helps the process. , Do something relaxing. Read a book, listen to music, lie down and close your eyes, or sit outdoors. Do yoga postures or stretching exercises, Start by stretching your arms up to the sky. Hold and count to ten. Then touch your toes. Hold it. Wind up and throw an imaginary pitch. Flex and release your muscles, starting with your toes and working up to your shoulders. Scrunch up your face and then release. Eat something. If you are hungry, you are prone to be irritable. While I am not suggesting that you use food to numb your emotions, eating something has a calming effect on both mind and body. (Recall HALT on page 15.) *Ask to be hugged or held. Ask a safe friend who would feel thisis an appropriate request. You may feel sad. Give yourself permission to cry. 24emacs PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE It’s easy to read about anger management techniques, It's quite another matter to put them into practice, and a lot more challenging to use in everyday life. Think of safe, healthy choices as tools in your toolbox. Keep your tools handy. If possible, practice making choices during imaginary conflicts. The more you practice, the more likely you will be able to call on these new techniques. An effective technique from the AVP workshops is role-playing, Participants cre- ate a scenario in which a potentially violent situation is “supposed to be” resolved nonviolently. (Although we hope for such an outcome, it doesn't always turn out that way. When a resolution cannot be reached, participants refer to this as “keep- ing it real.” This implies that the conflict may not be resolved. Regardless, the role- play will prove to be a powerful learning experience.) Role-play requires at least two people, Guidelines include: © Participants in the role-play must be “safe.” Safe participants should be trusted friends who will support what you are doing and authentically participate. Someone who shows a lot of discomfort, or teases you, would not be a good prospect. Establish safety limits, such as “no physical contact between characters.” Also, participants can shout “safety” if they feel emotions are reaching alevel that compro- mises the safety of role players. If “safety” is called, all actions stop immediately. ‘Start by creating a scenario that involves conflict. Let your imagination run free. Do not script what happens during the role-play; let the action proceed spontane- ously. The purpose is to practice dealing with conflict situations in a safe, healthy way. Do your best, however, to “keep it real.” You'll get more out of it. « If the role-play is based on a true-life scenario, it’s okay to coach the other role player(s) on what the “true life” characters might say or do. Eor example, if the true-life scenario is about dealing with a troublesome teenager, the parent tells the player how their teenager might act in that scenario. Coaching should be done be- fore role-play begins. «It's okay to have some fun, too. Role-plays do not have to be serious all of the time. A few laughs will relieve the tension. The conflict situation may be resolved by spontaneous use of humor. «No one in the role-play should be acting drunk or stoned, or using imaginary drugs, alcohol or weapons. People “under the influence” are impaired in their ability to solve problems. Weapons do not promote nonviolent outcomes to conflict. «Let the action proceed until a nonviolent outcome is reached, or until it becomes obvious that no resolution can be reached. 25Another powerful use of role-playing is to practice how you would like to behave in a real-life conflict. For example, if you need to talk to your life partner about something that makes you uncomfortable, act out your “presentation” with a friend. Coach them on what your life partner might say or how they might react. When the actual conversation takes place, this practice will help resolve the matter with the best possible outcome for all concerned. Since role-play opportunities may not be available, here is a way to “role play” by yourself. Use your imagination to create various conflict scenarios, or refer to those presented in this workbook. Imagine yourself choosing how to respond to the situ- ation, and then mentally role-play to see where it goes. Ideally, however, the most effective way to practice is to role-play scenarios with a trusted friend or partner. You may consider the concept of role-playing as silly, absurd, or too much trouble. This is understandable. Yet if you are willing to make the stretch, you'll find the ef- fort to be well worth it. MEN AT WORK JOURNAL ‘The worksheet on the next page gives you the opportunity to record the positive changes you are bringing about in your life. Photocopy the worksheet and use it on a regular basis. You choose how often you want to do this—daily, every other day, weekly, every other week, once a month. ‘he frequency is not as important as is the act of creating a journal to “benchmark” the positive changes resulting from your hard work. Be aware of anger-triggering events, and how you chose to deal with them. Honor your successes and failures alike. Failures are lessons; they play an important role in change. Be patient with yourself. Acknowledge yourself for choosing to do the work. Remember, when overwhelmed by feelings of anger, we may react within the first few moments by lashing out verbally or physically. Logically, if we can program our- selves not to react in those first few seconds, we can choose instead a safe response. Rather than a “knee jerk” reaction, a rational response most likely results in the best possible outcome. 26MEN AT WORK: JOURNAL OF TRIGGE ESSENSE Date: What happened: Rs AND CHOICES 27How did my choice(s) influence the outcome? Were my needs met? yes __ho Were their needs met? ___yes __no Which techniques did I choose “in the moment”? —Breathe __Walk away __Be quiet __Speak slowly and calmly __Change my posture Count to ten __Think about the consequences Which techniques did I choose to take care of myself later? Go for a brisk walk __Talk it out with a safe friend __Twist a hand towel __Vent on an inanimate object Yell out my anger __Pray and/or meditate __Do something relaxing __Engage in vigorous physical exercise __Eat something __Release my anger on the written page _Ask to be hugged or held __Play music or sing 28PART I1: FEEDING THE WOLFCONFLICT RESOLUTION: EXPLORING SAFE, HEALTHY CHOICES. FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED, In “feeding the wolf” we shift focus from anger management to anger reduction. ‘Through the practice of conflict resolution, we can_ reduce our feelings and experi- ences of anger. It’s a natural progression—from learning how to manage feelings of anger, to learning how to reduce the occurrence of those feelings. The less in- tense the emotions, the more likely a positive outcome. Several ideas define conflict resolution. The most significant is promoting connection—that is, we are all in this together, connected on a basic level. In order to find connections, we must abandon, certain preconceptions. Judging, insisting on “right or wrong,” blaming, and being a victim all create separation. These behaviors promote an “us/them” mind-set, and are unlikely to result in nonviolent conflict resolution. ¢ Judging means defining others based on assumptions about their appearance, race, lifestyle, behavior—or any observation that they are “less than” or different. Judging is apparent in self-talk: “He's arrogant because he drives an SUV." “You're stu- pid for watching television.” “I better keep an eye on that kid because ‘they’ steal.” Perceiving right or wrong is the belief that in every conflict, someone is right and another is wrong. Believing that all conflict involves a right person or group and a wrong person or group creates separation. Consequently, we are unable to satisfac- torily resolve the needs of each person. Placing blame actually places responsibility for our circumstances on another person or group. “He never liked me.” “She made me do it.” “They had it out for me.” This creates separation between those who are perceived as doing something bad, and those who perceive themselves as the victims. Being “stuck in our victim role” creates separation by giving others power over us. It also gives us “permission” to shirk responsibility for our own lives. NONVIOLENT STORIES ‘The AVP workshops present an exercise called “Nonviolent Stories.” Participants recount experiences in which: they've interceded in a potentially violent situation to bring about a nonviolent outcome; they've witnessed someone else doing so; or they resolved a personal conflict nonviolently. This exercise is scheduled before par- ticipants begin exploring conflict resolution techniques. Interestingly, each partici- pant has been able to share an experience, although none has had specific training in conflict resolution. The majority of participants in this exercise have been men incarcerated in a Level 5 Maximum Security state prison. Since all inmates recount- ed stories, this suggests that all of us have innate conflict resolution abilities. 31TRANSFORMING POWER MANDALA® ‘This illustration is used in the AVP workshops. Each element plays an important part in the conflict resolution process, “Transforming Power” implies that we all have an ability to transform conflict situ- ations into situations in which the needs of all involved are met peacefully. A key feature is that, although we all have this power, the more that we are aware of it and open to its process, the more actively it works within our lives, All of the Transforming Power Mandala elements are interrelated and are present to some degree in any nonviolent conflict resolution scenario. 32‘The Transforming Power Mandala contains five elements: 1, Seek a nonviolent solution. First, we must believe that a nonviolent outcome is always possible. If we do, a nonviolent solution will appear. Be open to the pos- sibilities. Be creative. In many “nonviolent stories,” the person who changed the situation either used humor, or persuaded those involved to think about the con- sequences. Frequently, participants explained that the nonviolent solution came to them “out of the blue,” further supporting the idea (and my experience) that, if open to one, a nonviolent solution will appear. 2, Expect the best. ‘his is a positive thinking technique. Assuming the best pos- sible outcome greatly improves the possibility that it will occur. There is no guar- antee that “expecting the best” results in what you expect to be the best possible outcome. 3. Think before reacting. Before reacting, think about a nonviolent solution, Before reacting, expect the best possible outcome. Unlike the “think before react- ing” technique used for anger management (to calm down before doing something ‘we will regret), this “think before reacting” response considers all the possibilities that may likely produce the best possible outcome. 4. Respect for self. Note that the two inner-circle elements are attributes. In or- der to resolve conflict nonviolently, we must possess a degree of self-respect, as well as respect for others. Two significant concepts are presented here. First, our ability to respect others is equal to our ability to respect ourselves. Second, the desire for a nonviolent resolution is strongly related to respect. Self-respect influences what we think we deserve. A person with self-respect believes that he deserves the best possible outcome in situations of conflict. Since he respects others, he believes that others also deserve the best possible outcome. Just think, how often have you noticed that a victim felt they deserved it? Do you think people who believe this way have much self-respect? 5. Caring for others. A desire and willingness to care for others is the driving force for conflict resolution behavior. When we intercede to bring a potentially vio- lent conflict to a nonviolent resolution, we are caring for others. When we strive to resolve a personal conflict in a nonviolent manner, we are caring for others. 33(ernest POWER TOOLS FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION Take responsibility and ownership. In every personal conflict, in some way Icon- tributed to it, or I created it. Even in the midst of a heated conflict, there is an opportunity to examine our role. Once we take responsibility for our role in the conflict, we can back away from the confrontation. If this step is taken by anyone involved, there's a good chance that others will be willing to do the same. Own our projections, In the “Triggers” section of this booklet, I discussed the con- cept of projecting. When we project, we respond negatively to another person's be- havior, which mirrors a negative personality trait we possess. As we reject this trait in ourselves, we reject the person who is exhibiting, or “mirroring” it to us. If we can examine the role that projection plays, we move closer to owning and taking responsibility for our part in creating a conflict. Apologize. Take responsibility for your role in a conflict, and you will likely find that you owe someone an apology. f you apologize, often the other person will ac- cept your apology (or apologize in return) and the conffict will dissolve, (It serves us better to say, “I apologize” instead of “I am sorry” To keep saying “Iam sorry” communicates on a subtle level that I am a sorry person.) Do or say the unexpected. Smile, laugh, apologize, give the “peace sign,” hug, or say “Ilove you" (if safe and appropriate). These are a few ways we can change the energy during a conflict. Its entirely possible that something will occur to you, and transform the conflict. In one story shared during a workshop, the unexpect. ed happened. Two brothers were arguing about a minor disagreement. In frustra- tion, one brother decided to leave the room. When he grabbed the doorknob, it came loose in his hand. Both men broke out in laughter, Release the illusion of control. Who owns this problem? How many of us take esponsibility for another person's behavior or problems? Sure, the way they are behaving may be unacceptable. We want them to behave the way we think they should. Well, we're not responsible for their behavior. I've seen this dynamic in relationships in which one of the Partners is an alcoholic. The non-alcoholic in- vests a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to make the drinker behave differently. The more time and energy invested, the worse the problem becomes, and the more frequently conflicts over drinking occur. The conflicts cease when the sober partner realizes that they have no control over the alcoholic’s behavior, and learns to lovingly detach, and to start attending to their own needs 34Don’t take it personally. How many of us walk around with chips on our shoulder hoping that someone will try to knock one off? Why, then, are we so surprised when this happens? And when it does happen, why do we take it personally? In fact, often a perceived offense has nothing to do with us. Offending behavior is usually about the other person's “stuff.” So why take it personally? Give the benefit of the doubt. When slighted or offended, we may assume it was done on purpose. Often that is not the case. I'm not suggesting that we allow oth- ers to take advantage of us. Rather, before we react on the assumption that the offense was deliberate and malicious, consider the possibility there was no such intent. Respond appropriately or not at all. Be empathetic. Empathy is not about giving advice. Empathy is not doing some- thing that people could do for themselves. Empathy is simply putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It means developing an understanding of, tolerance for, and acceptance of another person's behavior, Empathy means seeking com- mon experience on which to establish common ground. For example, a neighbor's teenage son vandalized your property. You know that his mother is an alcoholic. An empathetic response might be to talk with the boy and share that alcoholism was a problem in your family. This approach might allow him to express some of his underlying anger. You may be able to guide him to resources that would help him deal with his problems. Being empathetic, in this example, does not excuse the boy for his actions, but your attitude makes a difference in his life. Forgive, Forgive me for the way in which I have acted out of my wounds as Ihave forgiven you for the way in which you have acted out of yours, To forgive does not mean that you don't hold the other person accountable. To forgive does not mean that you allow the other person to repeat the offending be- havior. To forgive does not mean that you have to associate with the other person. Forgiveness is not necessarily a kindness to the other person. What forgiveness does mean is that you no longer hold a grudge or resentment. In forgiveness, you free yourself from hurt. This saying puts it well: “Not to forgive is like swallowing poison, and hoping the other person will die.” Forgive when you can do so truthfully and authentically, While it may be helpful to express your for- giveness to the offending party, this may not be safe or appropriate. Use your own judgment. 35NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION: CREATING SAFETY AND CONNECTION THROUGH OUR WORDS Violence isn’t limited to physical attack; written or spoken words can be violent, too. We often hear of someone's behavior described as verbally abusive. Verbal abuse includes shouting and screaming, or making statements that are demeaning, insult- ing, critical, offensive, devaluing, threatening, exaggerated or false. Many who use verbal abuse were verbally abused as children, Often verbal abuse arises from the pri- mal desire to have our needs met, and our entrenched belief that others are obligated to meet them. Earlier I discussed the price we pay for our abusive behavior. The high- est price we pay for verbal abuse is isolation, followed by having our needs unmet, or by resorting to fear and intimidation to get needs met. Nonviolent communication means being able to express our needs so that the needs of all involved will most likely be met. For an enlightened explanation, I strongly recommend the book Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication Tools ‘The following strategies are derived from various sources—men's groups, the Alternatives to Violence Project and Dr. Rosenberg's book. Use “I” instead of “You” When speaking about our own life experiences, we may unconsciously use the word “you” when we really mean “lL” In other words, the experience was mine, not yours, 50 it’s clearer to communicate it that way. For example, I hear people say, “You try to do the right thing and all you get is grief” when they actually mean, “I try to do the right thing and all I get is grief,” On a subtle level, saying “you” to express an ‘I’ experience relieves us of responsibility for our life experiences. It also puts us in the position of describing the experience of another person, which may be inac- curate. In addition, we unconsciously separate ourselves from others. A simple way to increase clarity and integrity in communication is to use “I” when talking about ourselves and to use “You” when referring to another person. Avoid putting yourself down ‘The words you use create your reality. Listen to your self-messages. Positive self- messages create positive outcomes. Every time you put yourself down, you only hurt yourself. So you made a mistake—you are not the mistake, “Imade a mistake” doesn't mean “I ama screw-up.” Be conscious of your negative self-messages: they become self-fulfilling expectations. When you hear them, change the message. 36Say “I feel” instead of “I am” It is healthier to use “I feel” in place of “Iam.” It serves us better to say that we feel a certain way than saying we are a certain way. What would you rather hear—‘T'm lazy” or “I feel lazy”? Empathic listening Also called “active listening,” this is the heart of communication: to give others our undivided attention, and truly listen to what they are saying. Simply listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to others. They walk away feeling much better about themselves. Here’s how to do it: Sit up and maintain eye contact. ‘¢ Nod your head from time to time, or indicate to the speaker that you are en- gaged and paying attention. @ If you do not understand something, ask a question. Questions for clarity are acceptable. Otherwise, avoid interrupting the speaker with questions. e If the speaker starts crying, or becomes agitated in anger, let them continue. Don't try to comfort them or calm them down, unless their safety is being com- promised. They need to express and release emotions. (Even offering a tissue is an interruption. Wait until they are finished crying, or until they ask for a tissue) From time to time, reflect on what you heard the speaker say. Repeat what they said. This will assure them that you have been listening closely, and have under- stood what they said. © Don't offer advice or offer to help, unless the speaker asks for it. Men tend to assume that others want them to give advice or fix a problem. While this may be true, what others want and need the most is to be heard. Ask the speaker what they want and need from you. For example, when they have finished speaking, ask if they want feedback. © Keep silent unless invited to speak. Avoid interrupting the speaker. If you have had a similar experience, ask the speaker if they want to hear about it. If they do, relate it briefly. Do not take over the conversation. ‘This is time for them to be heard, not you. ‘If someone approaches you when you are unavailable, be truthful. You can'thelp them if you are distracted, or unable to spend the time they need. Offer a time when you will be available. «If you would be uncomfortable engaging in a heart-to-heart with someone, then tactfully (yet truthfully) decline. An example would be someone who monopolizes your time in an effort to get their needs met. Another would be the wife of your best. friend. Say “'m not the right person,” or “I cannot help you with this.” 37Assertive Statements Assertive Statements involve a specific technique, which can be used in situations that usually occur in public, around strangers. These are used to: 1, Communicate an objective description of the situation. For example, you are seated in a restaurant's “No Smoking” section, yet smoke from a nearby diner's cigar is drifting into your face. You might say, “Pardon me. The smoke from your cigar is drifting over here.” In truthfully and objectively describing the situation, you avoid triggering another's defensive or hostile reaction, 2. Voice your needs. In this example, you want and need to eat your dinner without having to smell and inhale cigar smoke. Assuming that the smoker did not respond to your initial statement, you might add, “I prefer to not be around smoke when | am eating” If you express your needs in this manner, they are more likely to be met. 3. Communicate your idea(s) for solving the problem and, if appropriate, invite the other party to offer a solution as well. Assuming that the smoker still has not met your needs, you might add, “I would appreciate it if you would hold your cigar so that the smoke doesn't come over here.” Now, I can imagine that many of you are thinking “What kind of namby-pamby stuff is this?!” Simply put, this is about meeting needs through nonviolent means. There's no guarantee you will get your needs met using Assertive Statements, but Assertive Statements produce a better and safer outcome than aggressive, confron- tational language. Remember, if you keep doing what you always did, you can expect what you always got. Okay, let's suppose that we are dealing with a person who is already in an irritable mood, and who will not give in, no matter how kindly they are asked. We have other choices. Personally, would be angry, but I would consider moving to another table or chair, am not wimping out. I have already been assertive. Assertive Statements use several elements of the Transforming Power Mandala: respect for self, seek a nonviolent solution, think before reacting, and ask for a non- violent solution. What might have happened if I had acted out my anger? Would you agree that using Assertive Statements allows me greater control over the outcome? “Y” Messages ‘These are very similar to Assertive Statements. The difference is that, in addition to objectively stating what you are hearing or observing, and expressing your needs, you also let others know how you are feeling, “I” Messages are appropriate when resolving a conflict with someone close to you, such as a family member or a good friend, Adding the element of “feelings” to the message allows you to communicate how the other person’s behavior has an effect on you. 38Here's an example. My teenage daughter borrowed my car. We agreed that she would be home by 11:00 P.M. It is now 12:30 A.M., and she just got home. Daughter: Sorry, Dad, but I was having so much fun, Lost track of the time. Me: We had an agreement that you could use my car on the condition that you came home by eleven. Daughter: I know. Me: It is now twelve-thirty. Daughter: I didn’t know it was that late! Me: I am feeling angry and afraid. I need to know why you didn't call me. Daughter: I was afraid you'd yell at me. Me: | understand that you were feeling afraid to call me. I was feeling afraid that you had been in an accident—or worse! Now that I know you are okay, I am feel- ing disrespected and angry. Daughter: I apologize, Dad. Me: [ need to know that you are safe. Daughter: I was safe! Me: But I didn’t know that. Daughter: Okay, I get it. Me: Let's figure out a way that I can know you are safe, and you won't feel afraid of me yelling at you. Will you agree to either come home on time, or call me if you can't? Daughter: Yes, Dad, if you promise you won't yell at me. Me: It’s a deal. MEN AT WORK EXERCISE In the preceding example, find the objective statements of what happened, the statements of feelings, the expressions of needs, and the cooperative solution. Like other nonviolent techniques, Assertive Statements and “I” Messages take a lot of practice. The best way to practice is to role-play. If role-play is not an option, write imaginary scenarios, and then write a dialogue that presents the “I” message technique. Most important, be patient with yourself. 39YOU TAKE IT FROM HERE You are now aware of the many choices available to help deal with your anger in a safe, healthy way. You can no longer use the excuse of ignorance to justify your violent reactions to feelings of anger. You are empowered with life-changing knowledge. Now itis up to you. You're re- sponsible. Will you choose the same behaviors, and experience the same tragic out- comes? Or will you risk change, in order to experience a life of love instead of fear? 40tenia MENTAL HEALTH INFORMATION Anger is related to certain neurobiological conditions. Irritability and/or chronic anger may signal mood disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Anger is a factor in dementia, substance abuse, accidents and injuries. ‘The link between anger and anxiety is noteworthy. Anxiety is an overreaction to a perceived threat; it is characterized by worry and rumination (continuously thinking about the perceived threat). Anxiety produces feelings of anger—directed inward or toward others. When anger is directed inward, it increases anxiety, Finally, anger is involved in biological conditions, such as sleep apnea and coro- nary heart disease. Some of the following information on related brain disorders is taken from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). Dementia Anger may be an early indication of Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. Depression is often associated with dementia. If an older adult experiences sudden personality or mood changes, they should be evaluated by a gerontologist (specialist in elder health). Early diagnosis offers better options for treatment; medications are available to sta~ bilize a condition. The doctor may prescribe medications for anxiety, depression or aggressive symptoms. Depression Annually, an estimated six million men in the United States have a depressive disorder—major depression, dysthymia (chronic, less severe depression), or bipo- lar disorder, Although these illnesses are highly treatable, many men do not rec- ognize or seek help for their depression. (National Institutes of Health: “Real Men. Real Depression.”) Common signs and symptoms of depression include feeling “down,” sleeping poorly, feeling guilty and worthless, major changes in appetite and sleep patterns, loss of energy, constant exhaustion, unexplained aches and pains, and inability to concentrate or make decisions. Additionally, depressed men are likely to: become angry and frustrated, or be- have violently; take serious risks, such as reckless driving and gambling; abuse substances. Swedish researchers have suggested that men exhibit “atypical signs” in early stages of depression: increased susceptibility to stress, sudden spells of anger, lower impulse control, antisocial behavior, indecisiveness, and feelings of being burnt out and empty. (See www.maledepression.com/index.php) 4‘The symptoms of depression respond well to medications. Generally, SSRI medi- cations (e.g,, Prozac™) have fewer and less severe potential side effects than other medications, which include tricyclic antidepressants (TCA) and monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOID). Benefits and side effects of each medication vary with individu- als; it may take several trials to determine the correct medication and dosage. Research indicates that certain types of short-term counseling therapy, particu larly cognitive-behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy, are effective treat- ments for depression. Combining psychotherapy with antidepressant medication appears to provide maximum benefit. (National Institutes of Health) Bipolar Disorder Bipolar Disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes: severe highs (mania) and lows (depression). Mood swings may occur within hours or days (rapid cycling), or may be separated by months to years. “Highs” and “lows” may vary in intensity and severity, and may coexist in “mixed” episodes. A manic phase is characterized by being hyperactive, overly talkative, having de- creased appetite, sleeping less, being irritated or angry. There may be false or in- flated ideas. A person may be very elated, full of grand schemes and risk-taking be- haviors. Untreated, mania may progress to psychotic delusions or hallucinations Ina depressive cycle, the person may have: low mood with difficulty concentrat- ing; lack of energy, with slowed thinking and movements; changes in eating and sleeping patterns; feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, sadness or guilt; or thoughts of suicide. Studies suggest a link between bipolar disorder and childhood sexual abuse; in this case, therapy addresses both issues. The chemical imbalance that causes mood disorders can be adjusted with medication. Lithium and valproic acid (Depakote™) are most often prescribed to maintain level moods. (“Understanding Mental Illness,” Project LIFE) Personality Disorders A personality disorder is defined as “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture; is pervasive and inflexible; has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood; is stable over time; and leads to distress or impairment.” (DSM-IV) Hostility and/or aggres- sion are features of Antisocial Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. Therapy can help in understanding and dealing with these disorders 4dPost-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) From the inside, PTSD feels like pain, anger, and shock. From the outside, PTSD looks like anger, apathy, or depression. Mary Pipher, Ph.D. in Another Country ‘The neurological process of PTSD involves an incident or memory, which kindles a rush of hormones to the brain; given a “high alert,” the mind prepares the body to run or to rage. PTSD is characterized by an overreaction to a subconscious reminder of an original trauma. A person may experience flashbacks, fear, panic, or emotional withdrawal, and may use alcohol or other substances in order to numb feelings of rage and despair. People with PTSD also experience sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, and irritability or outbursts of anger. A person may develop PTSD as a consequence of life-threatening incidents (such as combat), natural disasters, mugging and near-fatal accidents, or by living under constant stress (fire fighters, police officers). People who were abused as children also may develop PTSD. Headaches, gastrointestinal complaints, immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain and discomfort in other parts of the body are common symptoms of PTSD. In one large-scale study, 88% of men and 79% of women with PTSD met criteria for another psychiatric disorder. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, and other physical and mental health condi- tions. The disorder may also be a factor in occupational instability, marital prob- lems and divorces. PTSD Therapy PTSD therapy uses cognitive cues to override unhealthy neurological responses, in essence, to “write a new script.” Exposure to the event via imagery (“exposure therapy”) allows the survivor to re-experience the event in a safe, controlled en- vironment, while also carefully examining personal reactions and beliefs in rela- tion to that event. Trauma memories usually do not go away entirely as a result of therapy, but become manageable with the mastery of new coping skills. PTSD in Veterans About 30% of the men and women who have spent time in war zones experience PTSD. The National Vietnam Veterans’ Readjustment Survey (from 1986 to 1988) found that 15.2% of male and 8.5% of female Vietnam War veterans suffered from current PTSD (Schlenger et al., 1992). PTSD has also been detected among veterans 43of the 1991 Gulf War, as well as wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. (“A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet,” U.S. Dept. of Veterans Affairs, and “Hidden Combat Wounds: Extensive, Deadly, Costly” (1/06) www healthyplace.org) Self-injury Sometimes anger is directed inward, as a compulsive behavior to injure oneself by cutting, burning, bruising or by other methods. Self-injury may be triggered by severe emotional pain, or by feelings of guilt or shame. The practice of self-afflicting pain releases calming hormones, known as endorphins, into the bloodstream. Strategies for dealing with self-injury compulsions may include alternatives to self-injury, such as sucking an ice cube, taking a cold bath, or snapping a rubber band on the wrist. (“Understanding Mental Illness,” Project LIFE) Substance Abuse Substance abuse is distinguished by neglect of family and work responsibilities; use in physically hazardous situations; incurring legal problems; and recurrent so- cial problems. Anger is associated with abuse of alcohol, amphetamines, cocaine or steroids. Alcohol (or other substance) abuse may mask an underlying mood disorder. Also, many individuals with mood disorders “self-medicate” with alcohol or drugs. Bipolar disorder and alcoholism commonly occur together; each can worsen the symptoms and severity of the other. (from “Understanding Mental Illness,” Project LIFE) Suicide In Missouri, suicide is the tenth leading cause of death. Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide. Warning signs of suicide include talking about suicide; withdrawing; mood swings; preoccupation with death and dying or violence; changes in routine; per- sonality changes; risky or self-destructive behavior; giving away belongings; and getting affairs in order. SUICIDE CRISIS LINE: 800-273-8255, or call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433), to be connected to a trained counselor at a nearby suicide crisis center. 44OTHER HEALTH ISSUES Atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat) A recent study of 1,769 men (average age: 48.5 years) suggests that certain mea- sures of anger and hostility are related to the development of atrial fibrillation in men. Those with higher feelings of hostility were 30% more likely to develop atrial fibrillation compared with men with lower hostility levels. Men had a 20% increased chance of developing atrial fibrillation if they were rat- ed high in “symptoms of anger,” reporting that their anger is often accompanied by bodily sensations such as shaking, headaches, and muscle tension. (Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. 03/01/2004). Sleep apnea The Greek word “apnea” means “without breath.” People with untreated sleep ap- nea stop breathing repeatedly during sleep, sometimes hundreds of times during the night, often for a minute or longer. The brain briefly arouses the sleeper in order to resume breathing, but consequently sleep is extremely fragmented and of poor quality. Sleep apnea is very common, and affects more than twelve million Americans, according to the National Institutes of Health. Risk factors include being male, overweight, and over the age of forty. Lack of sleep may produce behaviors such as. irritability, risk-taking, “road rage,” and difficulty concentrating or keeping on task. (See the American Sleep Apnea web site at www.sleepapnea.org/info/index.html.) Stress, anger and heart disease Johns Hopkins University researchers studied 1,055 men for an average of 36 years to examine the risk of premature and total cardiovascular disease associated with anger responses to stress during early adult life. Results of the study suggest that young men who quickly react to stress with anger have three times the nor- mal risk of developing premature heart disease. Also, these men were five times more likely to have an early heart attack, even if they didn’t have a family history of heart disease, (Chang, PP, et al. Anger in young men and subsequent premature cardiovascular disease: the precursors study. Archives of Internal Medicine 2002; 162: 901-906). 45RESOURCES Adult Children of Alcoholics. 310-534-1815 www.adultchildren.org. Alternatives to Violence Project. 877-926-8287 or email avpeavpusa.org. American Psychiatric Association Public Information. 888-35-PSYCH www ublic_info American Psychological Association Consumer Help Center. 800-964-2000 wwwhelping.apa.org Center for Nonviolent Communication. 818-957-9393 www.cnvcorg Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). 602-277-7991 www.codependents.org or www.codaorg Dual Recovery Anonymous (DRA). 877-883-2332 www.draonline.org ‘The ManKind Project® offers training which supports men in developing lives of integrity, accountability, and connection to feeling. www.mkp.org/index.htm Check the Mankind Project—New Warriors site for local ManKind projects. Men Web: Men's Voices www.menweb.org Missouri Department of Mental Health. 800-364-9687 www.dmb.missouri.gov National Center for PTSD. Information Line at 802-296-6300, or email neptsdencptsd.org. Online information at www.ncptsdva.gov National Football League's “Tackling Men's Health” web site section on mental health, with a link to a depression self-screening test. www.nfl.com/tacklingmenshealth. National Institute of Mental Health. To order “Real Men. Real Depression” brochure, call 866-227-6464 or email: menanddepression@mail.nih.gov ‘The National Men's Resource Center." Menstuff.org provides information for and about men. www.menstuff.org/issues/issuefilecodes.htm] Project LIFE. Mental health information, booklets about brain disorders, wellness and recovery. Call the LIFE Line at 800-392-7348 www.missouri.edu/~projlife Sidran Institute. Traumatic Stress Education and Advocacy. www.sidran.org US. Department of Veterans Affairs. Information about PTSD. www.vagov 46REFERENCE — CHILDHOOD ABUSE Long-term consequences of childhood abuse Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences; however, child abuse and neglect appear to increase the following: + Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected chil- dren to be at least 25% more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley etal,, 1997). + Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. A National Institute of Justice study indicated being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59%. Abuse and neglect increased the likelihood of adult criminal behavior by 28% and violent crime by 30% (Widom & Maxfield, 2001) + Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (2000). + Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2001). —‘Long Term Consequences,” US Health and Human Services fact sheet. SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY American Psychiatric Association. (1994) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). Washington, DC:APA. Rosenberg, Marshall B. (2003) Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA:Puddle Dancer Press. Vinson, Daniel C., MD, MSPH1 and Vineesha Arelli, BS2. “State Anger and the Risk of Injury: A Case-Control and Case-Crossover Study.” Annals of Family Medicine, 4:63-68 (2006). 47