 Pink: hook

 Blue: background information

 Green: thesis statement

Why Students Should Not Wear Uniforms

School uniforms and why students wear them has been a topic of concern and debate for
as long as these clothes have been around. Though people who argue that wearing
uniforms in educational institutions make people appear all equal, give a sense of
community, and teach discipline, I believe there are more disadvantages to wearing
uniforms than advantages. Namely, demanding students to adorn uniforms takes away
freedom, they are often uncomfortable, they are a waste of money, they promote
conformity over individuality, and children’s self-image is
damaged more when they wear uniforms at school.

Family travel to Beijing

Beijing is a good place to travel for educating youth to learn about Chinese culture, which
combines their latest achievements with ancient history. As it is known to all, Beijing is
the capital of China, which has been acting as the Chinese political, economic, cultural,
and educational center for a long time. In addition, Beijing provides a wide range of
modern and ancient places for family trips including the Beijing Great Wall, the
Forbidden City, the Beijing Olympic Stadium, and Hou Hai Bar Street.

Why People Should Not Watch Too Much Television?

Watching television is an experience shared by most adults and children. It is cheap,
appealing, and within the reach of the general public. In this way, TV has become an
important mass media around the world. Sadly, this resource isn’t used in a way that
people could get the best possible benefits from it. The purpose of this essay is to
persuade the reader that people shouldn’t watch too much television because the content
of many TV programs is not educational; it makes people waste time that could be used
in more beneficial activities; and it negatively affects people’s mental development.
Why Students Should Not Wear Uniforms:
- The hook is poorly written. It fails grab the reader’s attention. It sounds more like
a normal, basic statement regarding uniforms rather than an attention grabber.
- The thesis statement has been written in an unfavorable place considering that
thesis statements tend to be written at the end of the introduction paragraph;
additionally, there is a fatal mistake in the thesis: “I believe.” The writer wrote the
thesis in his own point of view, which is considered as weak, invalid, and
untrustworthy.
- Rewritten thesis: forcing school uniforms has been proven to be ridiculous and
non-beneficial to students as they may experience lack of expression, lack of
individuality, can cause discomfort, issues with payments, and the list goes on.

Family travel to Beijing:

- The thesis is written as the first sentence, which can be mistaken as a hook
rather than a thesis. Poor word choice is seen in the thesis.
- Rewritten thesis: Beijing has maintained an amazing reputation for it being an
excellent place to travel to advocate for educating about Chinese culture.

Why People Should Not Watch Too Much Television?

- The hook is dull; no catchy words that engage the readers.
- The thesis statement is explicitly mentioned which is considered as a fatal
mistake. “The purpose of this essay is to persuade…” sounds unprofessional:
too direct to be written.
- Rewritten thesis: TV has its negative and positive side effects, but the
negative ones outweigh the positive ones: a huge waste of time, promotes
unnecessary and not educational matter, affects people’s mental development,
and attracts laziness which leads to lack of motivation and depression.