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What Is this I feel?

Blake T. Stout

Academic Department, Pittsburgh Technical College 

English Composition 1

Dr. John Ryan Hrebik

11/19/2020
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What Is this I feel?

“Let me know how I’m in the flow…”. What could that mean? It is actually the opening

lyrics to the song “check up on your friends” by Carter Power. A song that, to me, holds a very

emotion meaning. “I wish I was dead and Cold…”. Those are the opening lyrics to another

emotional filled song called “Dead and Cold” by SadBoyProlific. You’re probably wondering

why I am quoting the opening lyrics to those two songs. Well, the reason for that is I’ll be

breaking down the songs and talking about what they mean to me. First off, both songs are about

depression and how it effects people. If you do not know me personally, I “suffer” from high

levels anxiety and depression and those songs, for some reason, connect with me emotionally. As

I listen to them, I am always able to connect some type of memory with the lyrics and the feel of

the songs. You may or may not know what I am talking about but, that is ok. This is about me,

for the most part, so just sit back and read. I’ll be talking about how both songs are about

depression. The similarities and differences between them, and about the emotion feelings of

them, both. Now that we got that out of the way, here is a little warning. This will not be

dandelions and flowers. It’s going to be dark and emotional; you might cry from just reading this

but do know that I am doing ok. I am seeking professional help, and doing a lot better than I was

before: so if you’re ok with reading, than sit back and read about my connections and pain with

those two songs. Oh, I do recommend listing to them on repeat as you read so that you can

understand what I am talking about because as I write this, I have them on repeat in the

background.

“check up on your friends” in my eyes is about the feelings that come with depression. “I

might have friends but, I’m on my own… Why do I feel alone?” This is one verse out of many

that sits with me all the time. I have so many dear friends, that I even call family, but even
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though I do, I always have this looming feeling that I am alone. That even when I am with them,

I am not mentally with them. I could be out with my best friend, that has been with me for 11

plus years, having a fun time doing anything, but I always feel like he is taking pity on me

because he knows how fucked up I am, and from that, I can’t mentally focus on what we are

doing. I know that is not the case but for some reason, I always seem to not be able to stop

thinking this making me mentally and emotionally alone. I feel like my body is on autopilot, and

it is just going through the motions. Another verse is “Now I’m Stuck in the past… Nothing

good ever lasts…”. Any time I here that verse I always seem to look back on some point in time

that I messed up or dwell on convections I had, and think about what could have happened if I

done something different. I know it is in the past, but I’m stuck and cannot seem to be able to

look to the future or enjoy the present. From that I think of one of my favorite quotes from a

movie, “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called

the “present.”” That quote is actually from the movie “Kung fu Panda” but I can’t seem to think

that today is a gift because I’m always dwelling on the past. Life just moves on with out stopping

for me. Leaving me in the past alone.

“Dead and Cold” in my eyes is about wanting to disappear. There is a whole verse that

talks about depression and suicide, it reads “Put me in the grave Today, Black suit, red bouquet,

Too scared to leave, but too tired to stay, Bullet in the chamber will stop all of the pain, Blood on

the wall drips, just like red rain…”. Very emotional filled words, wouldn’t you think? They

depict death as a beautiful thing almost. For me, those words sit with me and scare me to my

core. I can relate to them more than you think I could. When in high school, I tried to “end” it all

a few times. Every time I did, I would be so scared that I couldn’t. I had this one phrase stuck in

my head, “iwtkmsbidwmfaftbs”. If you know what that means I am sorry, but for the ones who
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don’t, it stands for “I want to kill myself, but I don’t want my family and friends to be sad”. I

would think of everyone and the idea of them crying over me. that scared me and I stop. I had a

rough past, but I was able to grow and become who I am today. This song also talks about

self-harm. “Feel my soul seep out from each line from the blade…”. The idea of cutting seems

outrageous, right? I thought I would never get to that point, but one day I found myself with a

blade wondering, “why would you cut? Maybe if I did it once I can figure out for myself.”. I

took the blade, and did it and I thought “It hurts but I wasn’t thinking of anything else…” and

from that I started to cut. I was able to stop and have been clean for at least two years. The title

of the song itself just sits with me all the time.

Now Both songs have very emotional ties to them. “check up on your friends” talks about

the feeling you have with depression, while “Dead and Cold” talks about the physical toll it has

and the damage it can cause. They consistent of both similarities and differences. Both are about

how depression effects someone, but at the same is about how depression is different for

everyone. “Dead and Cold” talks about how depression makes you to want to disappear. To

vanish without a trace so that no one morns over you. That, in this view, depression effects your

will to be. “check up on your friends” is about how you feel alone even though you have friends.

The emotional and mental detachment side of depression. The wanting to be there, enjoying the

moments but feeling like you are on autopilot.

So, what is it you feel? Is it pity for me or maybe you feel sad about the pain I have went

through? Maybe you were able to connect with what I was saying and the feelings that come

with the songs. Hopefully you were able to learn a bit about me and about yourself. As I stated

before, I talked about how both songs are about depression. The similarities and differences

between them and about the emotion feelings of them both. Also, to just remind you do know
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that I am doing ok. I am seeking professional help and doing a lot better than I was before, so

don’t worry about me because I got this!

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References

Song- “check up on you friends” by Carter Powers

Song-“Dead and Cold” by SadBoyPolific