GOD GIVEN

i've used to be ashamed of the top of my head. of my skinny leg. but mostly my
head, the leg can be hide.
but the head is misshape. a stair shape head- my grandmother used to call it. cuz
when i was born.
my head came out a bit and go back in, because of the umbilical cord wraping around
my neck 3 times round.
i was alway ashamed of my head. i used to tidy up my hair with my hand every
goddamn 10 second when i was around a teenager,to cover the head, to make it look
like a normal head, but everybody know, i wasn't fooling no one.
but i keep doing it. a kind of emo hair style, long and stupid and must be up to
school standard.
one day i decided to cut it really really short. that when the shame go away from
the head.
the skinny leg remained. atleast the head gone. the head that goes back in.
a soul that couldn't stand life, it went back to void.

YOUNG
At first grade, with one punch i'd knocked a guy's nose bleed.
at first grade, i've fingered two girl without having a clue what it even is i'm
doing.
At first grade, i'd made a plan with my friend to beat up the baddest guy in class.
At first grade, i'd kinda subconciously knew there'll be more mess up shit waiting
for me.
At first grade, i haven't learn to wear pant in my house yet.
At first grade, the road to hell was already paved for me.

I have alot of wound on my heart and soul: wound of regret, of hatred, of

unimaginably pain from unimaginably event in life.
I have live,love,laugh, while in pain, only a few time that i felt truly alive.
Therefore i must be greedy sometime, for life, for rawness, for blood and moonlight
and gamble.
I am fighter, a soldier, a madmen. So i am tired, i don't want what normal want. I
want real, raw, experience of a lifetime.
I don't want to ask how your day was, or your problem. i only wish to kiss your
lip, softened ur heart, and to be in the moment.
This isn't the time to understand eachother, the world is going crazy, money is god
, and there is literally no time at all.

when and if i sing you my soul, dont interrupt it with ur sound.

don't tell me how my song should be.let me finish my fucking song first.
Then You can sing me yours.

Baby, i come from the street, i dont belong here in these places, in these clothes.
Talking this fake word with fake meaning. I came from the street, born from the
street. With raw gut and raw meat. Not this soft shit, not this soft people
thinking they're hard cuz they got money. Baby, money ain't shit, if u can't fight
for what yours. Money aint worst a fuck if u can't fight for the real shit that
meant something to u.
The one with soul. Make me feel thing . The one with soul, make me do thing. The
one with soul make my soul cum. The one with soul make my soul dance. The one. With
soul.

incompetent fool tryting to make philosophical statement without studying

philosophy.
fool that is famomus thinking their word is absolute.
fool that make song song like dog shit after you listen to it more than a dozen
time.
fool that merely wanted to survive and nothing more.
i don't wanted to survive my darling, i want to live.
damn this thing people call love.
damn this god that people pray to.
i haven't had so called god i can lean to.
so fuck god and fuck the fools.
im one of the fools, so fuck me...

dear neighbor! why the fuck you do laundry every day?

My mother
what a poor soul my mother is... alway working hard for her family and never having
any fun even at vacation. she would just keep worrying about this and that. being
the eldest sibling she was alway doing the house work and never have enough time to
simply be a kid. alway scolded never her mother favorite... the poor women had
arrange marriage to a 36 year old dude at the year of barely 17 and giving birth to
me at 18. since the time she was a baby my grandma told me she would bang her head
with her fist all the time, later we find out i was a migrane headache. and that
migrane follow my mother since childhood until now. she could not bare any loud
noise or bright light or even me and my brother running in the house would drive
her to an anger outburst. my uncle told me out of deep sorrow that in her childhood
day, every kid saving money to buy a new toys or bicycle or for something kid would
buy but my momther... my mother saving every cent that she hardly could simply to
buy headache medicine. what a poor women. never have any last long friend. alway
alone. alway worrying.
dear mother if i don't have this beast inside of me i would love you more than
anything in the world. right now i don't think im even capable of love...
this poem is for you.
working at my uncle computer shop. first day of it all seem alittle hopeful,
thinking i actaully could get used to this.
at 10AM the next day i quit. i was putting too much out at people's mercy. and alot
of unavoidable gaze i would like to avoid.
the women present was enjoyable to me though. their motion and sound keep me
slightly entertained. i would love to screw some of them.
now the male that was a problem, too much of unnescessary hardness or complete ass,
i can't tolerate both. working male species.
i was there to learn and work, learn then work. easy. at first, installing in
programs at the newly set window system, basic shit that a computer need for basic
need. you know dictionary, internet browser, shit like that, i was a fast learner,
i remember such small detail people miss. few of them actually impressed. but i
hate sounding stupid, i basically know nothing about fixing hardware and even some
of the harder problem of the software. they show me how cuz of my previlage of
being the nephew of the owner, not cuz they want to. the way he show isn't fucking
worth me breaking my spine sitting in some hard-ass chair listen to the male
species talk and act superior to me. i was about done but i hold on, i was actually
part of something, i thought, that was better than nothing, than loneliness. as
usual the day ended in beers. THEN, the next day come, me still hangover, barely
able to drag my ass out of bed, skip breakfast, almost showered, just to be there
and then i was there. the moment that they'd discard me out from the hoard is when
my grandmother call me out to eat. we suppose to eat before we work.
their looks changed, the vibe changed, i changed. my lack of courage to ask
question and their unwillingness or maybe my strangeness had me quit.
i despise any place that me make think louder than usual. i despise putting my bet
on a slow guilted unavoidable awkwardness progress.
i rather bet it on serveral big juicy maybe. there! my anwser to you, my dear
reader.

my sickly old dad.

my dad was a man of society, a good citizen, alway following the news, reading
newspaper everyday when he didn't know facebook.
he work hard and think deep. he have too much pride in himself about his
intelligence. but he have a heart like none other.
he is diagnoes with parkinson disease. he can barely or walk someday. he twitching
all over. he walk with tremble sound when his medicine wasn't effective as it did
sometime. he look at people with terrifying stare like he is focuzing all his life
force in that moment simply to look. it was a horrible heartbreaking thing to
witness. the worst thing is he have a son like me who even hate him sometime and
othertime wanted to hug him and cry.
my heart ached a immensely when i look at him, my throat became sore if i look to
long, trying to hold back the tear and sorrow.
i love him deeply and understood him too, but my demon took control of me often
then i care to admit.
he can't do anything finicially now but he decorated the front of our house into a
beautiful flowery scence.
he told me once that he wanted to kill himself, he don't want to be a burden to
anyone.
i walk into his room one night while he sleepying soundly and what i saw broke my
dear heart. i saw him sleeping while hugging a pillow like a little boy and i can
sense this heaviness of life slowly pulling away from him. i see a soft hearted man
finally free of his own mind. i can almost feel his tear waiting to cry. i look at
him deep in sleep for a long minute and i walk out and noted to myself to alway
remember this moment for the rest of my life. i do love you dad. i love you with
all of my heart. and i'm deeply sorry for my behavior, please forgive me dad.

i am a lonely warrior fighting for freedom that people don't want to be free from.
i fight alone for my fellow human becuz im smarter and know alot more than them.
i want to free them from the wrong view and karma that they think is normal to
have.
i want to free my fellow human from love that is not natural and hate that is not
normal.
i alone fight and fight for idiot victory that i think i could have meaning for in
life.
i myself that are alone and lonely and misunderstood and wronged by many.
i myself that are so strange, so unjust by standard, so weird, so alientated by
all..
i am still no matter what, fighting and fight for a long last peace that hopefully
one day people from many background could finally look at eachother without disgust
and judgment.
i hope that they understand that life isn't what they choose to be. that life
choose them to be. for if their parent is little more poor or more uneducated they
ended up like the same person they make fun of. they don't know that, i want them
to know that. i write; that why i write.
people that seem stupid and embassing to another.. i want them to see that that
person could be them in a more unfortunate lifetime.
they don't fucking understand. i want to slice their throat and make them born
again sometime. i want to do horrible fuckking thing to them to make them
understand. i fucking so resentful sometime becuz of that. i really want them to be
understanding. i really do. they can't and they won't changed.
they are so disgusting. so much motivation for me to go dark. they are reading
this. i fucking curse you.

Dear my people
I can no longer take your bullshit any longer. I can’t watch your TV show, because
it is so pretentious it make me vomit blood. I can’t follow your long story about
thing that happen in your life, because I simply don’t give a damn. I don’t like
normal thing. I like messy thing, and simple thing, and messy thing. Thing that can
harm me. dangerous little baby. I don’t like them song that the artist are so full
of themselves, talking so high of themselves, a song of how great they are. It make
people feel small. It’s makes people feel like their life is not good enough, or
even maybe not worst living. While the song is about partying and fucking everyday,
it is not their life, people have died living like that.

I am in no position to give people advice. I used to know everything to know about

giving people advice. Now, if I give them. I feel fake. I feel phony. Because I
sometime don’t follow them myself. And I sometime know for a fact they wont follow
what I advised them either. So why bother. Let people fuck themselves up. then we
can make up our own bullshit morale and follow our own bullshit advice

Making fun of the dead just for a laugh, for attention. Bullet fly through the
chest piecing the lung coming out from the back. Life flashing through the eyes.
The childhood, the way mother used to feed us with her hand, first childhood crush,
childhood games played with childhood friend, rainy day playing in the rain,
memories of how it all went wrong. Guilt, shame, pain, regret. All at the same
time. All gone to hell. To coming back or chances. Another bullet fly through the
arm. Arm that used to greet your mother coming from school. Arm that used to pray
to god for good luck and forgiveness. Arm that used to touch flower, rose, women
you loved dearly. Another bullet fly through the head. Dead, darkness, gone. It was
all too raw, the people making fun of you didn’t fully comprehend what a bullet is
and what it can do.

Being born, the glory, the celebration, the sadness. You enter the world. the world
give you a name. your mother is the lady you came out from, your father is the one
you look up to. A family. Now a family contain more than your mommy and daddy. A
family here, contains your housemaid, your great grandparent that you have no kind
of affection toward but still respect anyway. Sometime, somewhere, some family you
have not even affection for your own parent. That come later on . now you are a
baby. Now you have a baby brother. He is prettier, he got more attention, and he
just so goddamn pure. Born out of somewhere first, seeing this pure being, you get
jealous, so you misbehave yourself for more attention. That’ll effect you in the
future.
Five, six, seven, eight year later… you don’t remember when but life is good. Then
it is not. Then it is crazy. And heart pounding feeling that you don’t understand
come running in like wild tiger and wolfs. Our cute little sand castle of a mind go
completely bunker choocoo gone in the head. And the problem later on is that the
parent think u are still the sand castle little baby. Which you still are at some
holy damn day. Now there is money, wow what this shit? I can get every damn thing I
want with this weird paper. Wow. Girl will like me more too now, wow. Who and why
invented money?. I’m just a little boy I don’t give a shit, I feel like kings. i
start to sound like kind. A spoil king. Always get what he want. Sometime he fight,
sometime when he mad he play with danger. Mad mad. This mean that. White mean
black, color mean light, rain mean cowshit mean. deer, mean restaurant. Basically
anything mean anything… madness. Full berserk is no madness. To be berserk one gone
beyond the mind into dark, dark place. No love there, no rain. No money. No sun. no
girlfriend. If have , no life.

WRITE
other write with their pen, mind, and research. if i seem too much (nickname). it's
because i don't like most of them and their method and their whole being. i write
with my blood, with demon screaming in my ear, with the tree and the bird and the
madness. it better this way, i don't want to be like other people. i'll write
better with a gun in my mouth.

where is ur motivation to be good come from ?

Wanting to be liked by other
Wanted good thing in return
Wanted gift from god
Want?
Why want?
No want
Just be
Be good
Bad too if time come.
My lonely simply wanted to be love.
my lonely soul simply wanted someone to talk to.
my lonely soul simply want to belong.
i have noone to talk to. i have noone to love.
my goddamn lonely soul is on the verge of suicide and nobody know.
my family is on a fincial down hill.
i will have no cigate to smoke.
i will alway be alone.
i am sad. sad beyond sad.
i am alone and lonely.

growing up i thought i was pretty special. i actaully feel special.

people and family around me seem to propergated and help build that ideas.
my name vaguely translated to powerful soul, or powerful family.
my dad name me that maybe because both of my grandmother work closely for the
kings.
they even have photo and shit, so they feel very damn special, fill with useless
pride.
until one day, my granddad talk behind the queen back and was banished from the
palace.
now this happen in korea while the king stay that for couple year for whatever
reason.
after being banish and come back home, they both going to a personality mental
breakdown.
meaning it completely broke and change them, my grandma even wrote a apologize
poem.
to help her husband continues on working and that she alone will leave for his
fault
the queen agree but as fact have it, you can't work with someone you hate.
it don't even make sense that she is the one who need to leave.
it was because her work was just as a housemate, it was the husband that bring real
money.
so after a while my granddad come back too, both mentally broken trying to live as
a happy family.
oh i forgot to mention that they are gone for 5 or 6 year, leaving my mother and
her younger brothers all by themselves.
my mom was about 20 year old with me as a two years old and her brother wouldn't
stop fighting.
life was hard. my family was really poor. later on, the foundation of the three
family wealth is owe to their parent going to korea.
it is also the foundation of each of everyone's personality, being banish by the
queen of cambodia really made my family all fucked up.
damaged to the head of the snake, the body affected too. but still the family never
lose their pride. it bullshit if you ask me.
when the elders is fucked up, you can't expected the younger generation not to.
especially when they are curse by the queen herself.

all my life i've alway have speculation and suspicion that my everyone in my family
is insane.
my grandmother show me a small bronze elephant locket that was given by the current
king.
she ask me do i want it, said it was given to her by the king. her face looking
like a child amaze by something.
she handed it to me, i look at it for a while and give her back without saying
anything.
but i knew in my deepest conscience that she was just wanted me to know it was
special. the thing or her i have no clue.
she wanted me to think"" oh wow ! the damn king give her that i want it so much, it
is so special bla bla whatever".
but i didn't want it, it was ugly. she didn't want to give me either.
she asked me and show it to me twice. both time was the same.
asking me if i want it and take it back herself before i even considering it.
saying" nah the kind give it to me, i must keep it " twice...
it was a reminder that she was once special. she told me she even cut the king hair
one time.
so special she is, so self-boasting, such a show off, status showing, nasty little
thing.
but she has a heart like none i ever see, i give her that much.

the worst thing about being true and align with nature principle is that you will
never connect with society and everything in it.
by not connecting with anything at all, we align with darkness, the opposite of
nature and almost like society but worse.

my poor mother is 41 year old. she look younger than her age. in her mind she was
still young.
she married my dad at 17 year old and having me a year after. and my brother one
and a half year after me.
it was an arrange marriage. it wasn't love. there wasn't any love between them.
just some confort they find in each other.
my dad was a workaholic, he work hard and he play harder too. he is more
intelligent than my mother and alway said it to my mother as an insult.
sometime, he doesn't mean it as an insult but the guy can't control his mouth and
came out like it anyway.
he is over-confident about his intelligent which lead to his downfall. he is like
my grandmother: too prideful.
my mother, the poor soul alway got bashed by the superior intelligent of my father.
she live in a constant state of worrying and anger.
the guy didn't quite understand, the fact that the girl he chose isn't smart
because she didn't even finish 10 grade yet and quit to marrying him.
he got what he deserve though. but he still think he doesn't deserve it. he'd
whined, he's in pain, he can barely walk.
it was a hell of a family.

i can't write a book about how to snap out of your despression or how to motivate
you to do shit.
because even i can't do that, some darkness are needed.
but i can write one about how to endure it and to face life fearlessly like a
badass warrior.

why can't you be normal, man!..

I can't i want to but i can't , i was born to be this way.

why you gotta say stupid shit and act all weird all weird all the time , why can't
you be more like me.

no i don't want to be like you, i don't want your woman, your job,
your life.

why?

first of all your woman don't know their ass from their head. they don't know shit,
i know a lots of them, i know a lots of different shit. did you know Mars used to
have people living there, do you know scientist know as little about the moon as
the ocean, it ridiculous, the fact that they visit the thing multiple time now.
does you know all civilization deem to fall like the one before us. don't you
fucking know even a little philosophy, psychology or what make life meaningful. no,
you just want the money and the pleasure.
AND i want the truth about everything goddamn thing. that why people like u and i
don't get along.
i don't know what to say man, i love you and want the best for you, but if this is
the life you choose it is good with me.

i did good because goodness feel so great, i did bad to an extreme, usually becuz i
can't help it, and sometime because i want my soul to expan, and bleed bad aura for
those who choose to mess me.
my soul walk with the honor of king. woman see it and want to be close. i don't let
them get too close. i only want their curiousity and just to be wanted. they see
something out of the ordinary.
they see a man desire to be god, walk like he own the place. they see what they
want in all men.
i am what i am. and i didn't to be anything else.

I am a man of mix creature, i like hype up music( vai leng) i like pin pheat( khmer
tranditional music) i like normal musci, i like hip hop, i like bascilly everything
that connect with my soul.
i have a soual like none other. i like people who are strange and a little bit bad
and admit it. i like strange people. i like only those who are different from their
normal expected behavior. i like people who are weird, i like people who are
themselve. I like people who are humble and nornmal in sense of really human.
nothing more and nothing else. just human. destined to die and destined to be
broken. i like normal human. not the kind that get together because they have
nothing to do. i don;t like that kind. they are the same and their behaviror is
preditabale and bad, i don't like them. they are bad not in sense of really evil.
they just bad becuase they wanna be good. they are bad because they don''t know it.
i hate that kind. bad and you fucking own it. that is my favorite. it hard. it
hardd to find. it is one in a million but it is worst it. it good to find someone
like you. it is good for your soul. it oncce again goodness in a life like this. it
is once again nice.
everything is just one big happening and we as human trying to seperate the I from
the objust that the I observe.
by thinking with word and by impose force upon everything, to be in control.
hilirously enough trying to control thing is when we lose it control.
as everything that happen and ever happen is nothing but a flow of energy.
you don't flow when you decided to flow, you flow when you let go.

in this life i have nothing but my passion for the truth. anything but the truth.
i can do all the research about philosphy and god and all the thing that you
couldn't imagine.
i just wanted support while i do it. you don't have to seek anything more, because
i'll do it for you.
all type of knowledge that is available i learnt it all for myself and for you.
just trust me on this. as long as my love or curiousity don't die, don't worry.
i will share everything, i learnt eventho it might get me kill and people might
hate me.
you know. you know who i am. i don't give up and i don't take no shit from no body.
wait for my return.

My neck hurt forever because I lift that bitch up to see her favorite star at a
concert(CL), I felt the click of my spine being fucked up forever, she still mad,
she still don’t realize that it’d fucked me up forever since that day, she don’t
know me sometime, she don’t know me at all, she fucking another bastard right now,
awful bastard, lower than me, I might be the king of the low, but there’re still
people lower than me. I am awful sometime, I do bad thing and make up bullshit
reason for it, I done some pretty awful things, and I made up pretty awful reason
for it. Maybe because I am awful, or I want to be awful for some reason that I made
up. I don’t lie, sometime I talk meaningless thing, but I don’t lie, I don’t want
to lie because of some reason I made up. Lying is bad. It is now 5:33AM and people
already up making breakfast for people. People get up so early, I didn’t even sleep
at all. Sometime when I wake up, I could smell adventure in the air, but I never
going anywhere anyway, such hopeless thing. I pray for better way, not for better,
but for power, for life, for strength to endure, for hope, for friendship, for
love, for the air around my body, for feeling good for no reason, I pray for a lot
of thing, I am a prayer, sometime I am THE destroyer, and after I destroy, I pray.

The fucking word that they use to me. unacceptable. Treating me like one of them.
or says I’m the crazy one. Just so that they don’t seem insane. The king of
Soulless shit. They laugh at stupid thing and they think they’re are cooler than us
because they understand know more things. what a fucking joke. They suck each other
dick. And lick each other ass holes. They are ugly and disgusting and full of shit.
They fuck the same soulless women the one easy to manipulate with the coolness out
they ass. The one that do the same fucking mindless goddamn shit as them , mindless
fucking activity and shits. Fuckkkk I’m speaking out of a place of raw experiences
and raw pain. fucking disgusting all of them. and fuck what they know. I write out
of what i feel and saw. Fuck them, all of them. Jesus.

THE WORD THAT That they speak, the word they talk is all fucking weak and
disgusting and full of shit im full of fucking disgusting. This doesn’t mean that I
hate myself and hate my own darkness bullshit shadow. I know my shadows and
understand them. maybe. but I fucking hate them I fucking hate their gut. Their
whole being. I understand why they act way they do.. but I FUCKING hate them.

smiling while I beat your face in with a beer glass endlessly.

the flower are dying,

the building keep on building,
the women keep on making themselves feel pretty,
their pussy stay tight, and wet,
the society is dying, and old people are old,
the brand keep on selling, while poor people keep on dying,
the ancestor are crying, the young kid started fucking,
I watch tiktok to get my dick hard, and jerk off on bingo live.

Wasted cum, jacking off by looking at garbage shit while wasted. Just for a sneak.
Just for a fuck. Wasted life doing wasted shit. Wasted fucks

The more u understand life, the more u want to die. Once u understand a lot of
thing, u beginning to lose yourself because you’ll feel too much, love too much, u
love pain, u love the darkness, the silent, u love too hard that it kill u. There
will be nothing left of u, u do what u feel is right to do even if u know clearly
that it not. U start to live in two world , u begin to split in half the pull of
life.
It take a thousand knife to kill me, a trillion cigarettes. A billion drug, and a
million hangover. Even then i wouldn't die, i rise from my ash and still be alive.
Even if i die, i haunt. I haunted those who need to be haunted,those weak hollow
shell of a human. I don't think I’ll go anywhere after death. I think my rage and
sorrow won’t let me.

They make cookies to sell. They put in mixture of certain fruit, certain vegetable,
and chicken. They make about two hundred to three hundred a day selling for 8
hundred riel per cookie, about 2 cent per.
They make cookies for a living, they sell them in large number. Delivery them . my
sweet baby. They were happy. They are tired but happy. Their hand burn a little bit
from cooking them on the coal stove. Nevertheless they are happy .
I am not happy. I spend money I don’t have on drinks, on food, on drink and on
food.
On drink that make me feel unnecessary emotion, on food that I sometime don’t want
to eat. I am not happy.
I go to these job that have nothing to do with me, my interest, my heart. Nothing.
I am not happy with these jobs.
I spend time on social media, looking at unkind women who think they are pretty,
and people that had become someone. I didn’t , I haven’t become anything yet, I am
yet to become someone. Something. I have no role, no character to play. I am not
happy. I'd rather be a cookie seller.

this your worst pain? this love related dog shit? of course i understand, i've had
my fair share of that too. still hurting too. but i got alot more serious shit to
be worried about. like what is the future of humanity if shit doesn't change.the
weight of existence, the question that philosoopher have a hard time answering:
like what hell is all this shit, what is it made for, who made it? god? i want to
know, i have to know. who gonna look after my family? who really care for me? how
long is this knives inside of me gonna be there? when will human finally be nice to
eachother, giving each other a chance to explain and to actually fucking listen to
one another. what about the meaning of love that society had adopted? what about
the pain that people don't talk or can't talk about? what about the people with
serious mental illness. what about the world my baby sister gonna live in? what
about this ungodly sorrow that ifeel, that bleed onto people i loved, what about
this screaming demon in mmy ear, if all you worried and care and hurt by are
something as meaningless as this, if this is the worst pain you feel, if this is
still the thing that you considered unfair, undeserving, maybe you should go and
fuck yourself.

I speak on behalf of my soul. i dont want some guy i don't know. came out of
nowhere writing book with simple word and sweet candy advise.
i dont even know or understand you. I want word that punch me in the face, word
that drown me, word that make my dick hard and mind break.
word that broke my heart, shatter my ear. I want word that make the bird fell from
the sky. word that mean something other than word.
soft word like soft dick, it isn't worth a fuck.

the multi-cutural swine. i see them everywhere and everyday, they take pride in
their hatred of cambodia. they think they are better cuz they know travis scott,
trending hip hop song and tik tok. it had make me sick. they hardly care about
anything but their social image. they have swarm their mind with thing like new
slur word, new trending thing and things. they have social definition of thing.
they know thing by mouths and facebook. not reading, hardly anything beyond that
scope of thing i mention.
a way to be cool. a way to take picture. a way to talk. i don't have anything in
common to talk to them about. i don't want to talk to them.
maybe out of drunkenness i reach out. but dissapointed every time. i am a really
introverted person, but had moment of extroverting sometime.
i don't like how they have such heart, such mind, such way of approaching. i hardly
have anything in common with people. i love too hard and think too much. they want
to feel good and hardly thinking at all. i read once about how to think and how to
stop thinking. now i either go full over-thinking mode or nothing in mind at all.
i look around for companionship, and i find none. i look to find idealist partner
for something bigger than us. i find nothing. i want to change thigns for the
better, i know how. but i can't accumulated enough will. i am stuck between wanted
to be normal and lost my soul again or loneliness. deadly loneliness. i suppose
everyone feel lonely nowaday by the standard way to communicate. thing that we
aren't suppose to say, to behave, to do: had us imprison without knowing. we seek
what the other seek, do what the other do, just to be liked and accepted among each
other. often what we seek is meaningless in a subjective sense, but we can't afford
to be alone. i believed my soul is old enouugh to see through this whole circus of
society base. it is entertaining in term of nothing better to do. so let us dance
our dance and be nice to each other no matter where we came from.
for this life of our is fragile, and will be wasted and taken away before we even
notice.

facebook. if you can't show who you really are.

you can't even share something to help people.
if you can't even speak your mind, what the point.
to show coolness, sure, fashionable shit, sure.
why tho? are your life so empty you want stranger to admire how cool you look?
mommy would be so proud.
share so real shit.
show some real shit.
coolness. i know alot of cool people. with nothing else but their coolness.
my love don't be so stupid that you forget who you are.
take some time off, alot of time off. let the world come to you.
don't let this face shit define who you are.
sure let this be a place to show only your cool side.
but do have a real goal and a real life.
fuck i write something so pathetic.

I don’t fucking like pretentious people. Of course, but there are times that we
should be pretentious. For both other and our benefit, maybe also for the fun of
it. But not all the time.
The women love me so much when I control myself successfully. I meant my eyes, my
mouth, my flow. They freaking lose their mind over me, literally. One girl seem to
hate me for no reason but the guess is because I’m a useless trash while other
member of my family seem to be thriving . I just assume that base on how she look
at me and how I look in the mirror. It seem to show everything I did and what I am,
right there in my face , a kind of face that show everything on my mind, a sellout
face, I suppose. Anyway her looks while I pour my drink passionately and calmly,
her look totally hypnotic on me or something, she look like an empty body control
by me , I eat her soul, now all that left is her body and I can do what I please
with it, at least, it seem that way to me. She look at me with a fuck me in her
eyes, a struggling face with no idea what to do next, like a flowing river that hit
a full stop, wanted to go somewhere but cannot due to circumstances, wanted to get
fuck by me but doesn’t know how to begin a conversation , and keep secretly look at
me. I know becuz every time I turn my head toward something, she seem to turn too,
and she totally know that I know that she know that I know she couldn’t stop
herself. U see when someone liked us, they unconsciously copy our mannerism. She
went home looking displease, maybe because for a moment I control her entire being,
without her permission. Worked on a guy too but It got awkward really quick and its
no fun with a guy, seem a little gay or unenjoyable for me. The only downfall is
that when it is activated and working, we cannot accomplish what goal we have set
for them. For example, if u want to screw her brain out and make her give u blowjob
, its no go for you, she will only want to, in her mind, hellishly want to , almost
uncontrollably want to , but somehow the universe doesn’t allow it , it is almost
like a weakness, only for fun , not for real. Couldn’t stop me from making all
their pussy wet . To control the entirety of their being, to know every thought, to
make them want you, maybe even die for you. I’ll let you know, if I’ll succeed in
getting blowjob with the trick. Only pathetic bitches would fuck you anyway.