Where does one begin to start with all the setbacks they've had in life?

How does one even

measure what a setback is? The first thought that comes to people's minds are smaller
situations: The F train always being late, spilling coffee on a crisp new white button down before
work, the deli being out of the everything seasoning, the drive-through line extending onto the
next business, and more situations that in the grand scheme of things are not as large as they
seem in the moment. I ask though, what about the large setbacks in life? What about the events
in your life that have affected everything so much that your life is not the same, for better or for
worse? I realize as I mature and grow wiser, that throughout my childhood I had several larger
setbacks that altered my mind and made me into the person I am today. How does a flower
bloom through the cracks of pavement?

Death, something inevitable and permanent, entered my world before I completely understood
what it was. When I was 4, my father passed away after battling diffuse B cell lymphoma, which
he beat only to have it return in his brain a year later. This was my first and formative setback
because it occurred when my brain was still developing. For years, my brain blocked most of my
memories of him, probably a protective mechanism. I could remember the food he cooked from
his home country, Brazil. I could remember how was always cracking jokes. I remembered his
health declining vaguely, but nothing specific. The fall I turned twelve, however, I suddenly had a
vivid memory. It was a rainy day; I believe it was during the evening. We went to the hospital to
visit my father but when we entered the room, he seemed strange to me. He was so delirious. I
could not comprehend why my father was so different and almost erratic. The only feeling I
remembered having was fear. The conjuring of this memory changed me a lot. It was very hard
to work through because it's one of the last moments I remember my father being alive, and
probably the last time he saw me. And yet I turned my face away because I was scared to see
his strange, unfamiliar, broken face. And all at once, it felt like as I was trying to sprout, but
instead I just went straight back into the ground.

My early years are what brought me to the theatre in the first place; I was always an artsy child
who loved creating stories with my Barbies. After my father’s passing, I seemed to live more in
the stories I created rather than reality, forcing my child mind to become extremely creative.
Coming from a background of artsy people, I was, of course, exposed to live performances. I
think, as cheesy as it sounds, what permanently transfixed me to the world of performing arts
was seeing ‘Romeo & Juliet’ at a Shakespeare Tavern. I was five years old and had already
been exposed to things much beyond my age, so it seemed natural that I knew with certainty
that I would find my heart on that stage one day. My mother signed me up for an acting class
following the following fall. That is where I started to bud a little, maybe not a fully, but I certainly
started to grow to see the sunlight.

Fast forward a couple of years. My mother has sat me down to tell me she has cancer in her
neck. Luckily, she would be okay because of how early it was found but she required
chemotherapy and radiation, which left her weak, thin, and unable to eat. There were suddenly
family members living with us we had little contact with previously. They took control of the
household. My eating habits were suddenly under scrutiny, as was my weight, the organization
of my room or lack thereof, and my lack of focus. They believed they could “fix” me by offering a
drastically different parenting style than my mother, who they felt was too lenient. But some
problems don't have simple solutions, do they? I began to feel there was something intrinsically
wrong with me and my body. Like maybe I was made wrong. While I would never want anyone
to experience the scrutiny I faced through my family's words, I do believe I have become very
heightened to self-care aspects due to it. Whether that be a good habit or an obsessive one, I’ve
changed to be hyper-aware of how I care for myself. I also became hyper-aware of the scrutiny
placed on others who have been marginalized. Sensing those vulnerabilities has been
instrumental in helping me find other people like myself and healing. It has also turned out to be
the way I connect with the characters I play.

If I haven't quite convinced you that setbacks change someone's life and outcomes, maybe I
can refer you to something we all have in common, the Covid19 pandemic. We can all agree
Covid affected our lives immensely; it halted everything. I truly believe Covid froze learning for
all people in school. We went through a whole year where we couldn't socialize, go out to
events, or even sit in a restaurant. This set us all back a year developmentally. I find that the
setback of Covid is where I grew as an actor the most. We were still allowed to participate in the
regional one-act competition show, however, my director decided it'd be best to do a small show
for our regional one-act competition. Due to the uncertainty of that time, she wanted to ensure
the seniors at least got their last show. This relegated me, a junior, into understudying the
character of Boo in The Last Night of Ballyhoo, much to my disappointment. Later on, other
understudies for the competitive show dropped out, leaving me to understudy all seven roles for
Ballyhoo while playing the lead in another non-competitive show, Bellwether. I grew a lot during
this time. I learned about integrity and it changed me as a whole. It also introduced me to the
uncertainty of the industry I am going into. While I don’t doubt I will succeed in my way, I know
how scary this industry can be. You will never know what exactly a casting director is looking for
or even if your hard work will be praised. Plus, due to regulations and rules, you never know
what could shake this industry into becoming more exclusive than it already is.

I think these setbacks in my life ultimately helped me most with my most significant acting
accomplishment so far, winning the regional one-act award for best actress for playing Audrey in
Little Shop of Horrors. For most the show, this character is very insecure. She is being abused
by her sadist boyfriend, dreaming of leaving the rough city she lives all the while working in a
run-down flower shop. To truly encapsulate this character, I had to tap into my insecurities to get
to the sweetness and uneasiness of Audrey. I did not want to portray this fragile character who
cares so much about her appearance stereotypically. For this I thought about the times I had
struggled with how I looked and perhaps overcompensated for my insecurities. I even tapped
into the comments and bullying I had received about my body to tap into the feelings she had
when she was with her boyfriend and being hurt or discouraged in any way. I found a way to
shine and heal through this character, which translated onto the stage in a way that people
adored and related to. While I try to stay humble, I admit that this is one of my best roles. As I
have exited my high school theatre program and entered the professional world, my petals have
started to show.