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Phenomenology of Love by Manuel Dy
Phenomenology of Love by Manuel Dy
By Manuel B. Dy
Introduction
“What is love?”
Many of us have the tendency to equate love with romance.
On the other hand, love is pictured many times as an act of possessing or being possessed by another
person. “I love you” has come to mean “You are mine”
For many young people, love has become synonymous with sex. This equation of love with sex has led to
the idea that friendship is not love. When two lovers break up, they settle for friendship as if friendship
were inferior to love.
According to Erich Fromm, the popular notion of love at present is “falling in love”. It implies that there is
only love when one is “in loved”. You have no love life is you are not in loved.
Fromm attributes this popular notion of love to three reasons:
1) the emphasis on being loved rather than on loving
2) the emphasis on the object loved rather than on “love” itself. People talk about “ideal girl”, “knight in
shining armour”, or “prince charming” but not so much about “how to love this man/woman…”
3) the confusion between the infatuation and love
Our phenomenology of love must set aside first all the above preconceptions of love. Now, we must go
back to the original experience of love.
Reciprocity of Love
It seems that in the loving encounter the focus is always toward the other. What about me?
As a response to the other’s offering of subjectivity, I also give to the other my own subjectivity.
Giving to the other my self requires his acceptance.
In love, I am showing my own vulnerability. There is indeed an element of sacrifice in loving the other
which is often understood by many as a loss of self.
However, love does not mean a loss of self. In loving the other I do not lose myself. Rather, I fulfill and
complete it.
If my love is to be authentic, the gift of my self must be something valuable to me. I cannot give to the
other something which I consider as a trash. The other is not a trashcan but seen more as a treasure
chest.
There exist in loving the other the desire to be loved in return. The desire is essential but it should not
become the motive of loving. I do not love because I expect to be loved in return.
The primary motive in loving the other is the other himself, the “You”.
The “You” in love is discovered by the lover himself.
Since the “you” is another subjectivity, he is free to accept or reject my offer. Rejection or unreciprocated
love is no doubt a painful experience.
Creativity of Love
When love is reciprocated, love becomes fruitful; it becomes creative.
What is created in love is growth and self-realization and fulfilment.
Union of Love
The “we” that is created in love is the union of persons and their worlds.
The union of love, however, does not involve the loss of identities. On the contrary, there self-realization.
We become more of ourselves by loving each other.
As what poet E.E. Cummings says: “one’s not half two, it’s two that are halves of one.”
Love is Historical
Love is historical because the other who is the point at issue in love is a concrete particular person, not an
abstract one.
The concrete other is not an ideal person but a unique being with all his strength and weaknesses.
To love is to love the other historically.
Love, thus, involves no abstraction. Everything in love is concrete.
Equality in Love
If love is essentially between persons, then it follows that love can only thrive and grow in freedom.
Love is not bondage but liberation.
There exists therefore an equality of persons in love.
Nevertheless, after all the discussions about love, it seems as if love in itself is never exhausted. Love is
a mystery. To see this mystery is to experience it, rather than talk about it. But what can love do to one’s
life. Try it anyway and see if without love, you can be anything at all.