Oh, boy. Where to begin?

OK, first off, I didn't rate this story cause it wouldn't be fair. I would 1* it. I'll still give you feedback
cause that's the main reason most people post here for free. I'm gonna going be brutally honest, and
I hope you can take critique when it's not mean-spirited. This isn't mean-spirited. If it was, it would
have come with a 1* bomb.

Before I dive in, I just gotta say I reaaalllly hope you knew what you were getting yourself into when
you posted this story here. This category is something else. There are lots of people whose opinions
stink and they've got no hangups spreading the stink around as rudely as they can. Better put your
armor on.

OK, now the critique. Objectively, this story was not told in a competent manner. There was a lot of
tense-shifting and incorrect word usage. In one paragraph you wrote: "Becky shows up" and in the
next paragraph you wrote: "Becky was flirting very hard." The first is present tense. The second is
past tense. Hopping between both flouts basic grammar rules and is jarring. Pick a tense and stick
with it.

There's also a lot of telling and not showing. Quoting from page 1 as an example of maaany times you
did this: "I was so mad I could have killed her. Becky could be a dumb bitch sometimes!" You're only
telling. How about SHOWING she's mad? Can't you convey emotional reactions without shoveling it
to the reader? Think about how movies visually convey emotion without text. When someone is
angry, they can give sharp looks, their posture can get straighter, their tone of voice gets nastier, and
their body language generally gives them away. You've also got other tools that movies don't have,
which is using other senses (touch, taste, smell, feel) and explaining character thoughts. Instead of
ham-fistedly telling your readers, "I was so mad I could have killed her", how about showing it like
this: "My jaw nearly dropped as she began telling him my business. I tucked my hands behind my
back so they wouldn't notice I was balling them into fists. My nails bit into my palms. I wished they
were biting into her throat. My face grew hotter as I glared at her over Keith's shoulder, trying to
communicate with my eyes. 'Shut up,' I was mentally growling. 'Shut up or I swear they'll never find
your body'." I came up with that on the fly. It's not perfect, but it's an improvement on yours. Show,
don't tell.

Your sex scene wasn't erotic at all. At least not to THIS reader. That's because you just keep telling.
You robotically narrate all that's happening without showing anything. Quoting from page 2: "Good
Kate, you're not half bad at that." Keith says this after she's sucked him off. That's his only reaction to
the blowjob. No moans, no movement, no pleasure shown. No give-and-take. In erotica, you gotta
use all the senses. OK, so you told us his dick is big. So what? Pretty much all erotic stories include a
big dick somewhere. It's a cliche at this point. Instead of salivating over his pornstar dick, tell us how
his body feels against yours. Do his muscles feel hard as you touch him? Do they get all slick with
sweat? What does he smell like? Do you like his smell? What does he taste like? Does it arouse you
more? What are the sensations you feel as he touches you? Is he gripping you hard? Is he stroking
you soft? These details are the bread and butter of erotica, not I-did-this-then-he-did-that.

While we're on the subject of sex scenes, another BIG critique is that you know nothing about basic
female anatomy. If you're a male author using a female moniker, educate yourself to make your
stories believable. If you're a woman, your lack of knowledge about your own body is horrifying. Girl,
did you ever have Sex-Ed class? You ever had an ob-gyn appointment? Are you actually an adult? I'm
a woman and I'm worried about you. Quoting from Page 2 you wrote: "Keith! I think you went too
deep! I think you're in my uterus! In my womb!" / "You're doing perfect Kate, you're almost there,
almost to perfection. Just breath. Your cervix just finally dilated enough from the grinding and pre-
cum and orgasms, and I was able to work my head inside. Now it's closed around my shaft with my
head inside." Errm......no. Just no. NO! Absolutely not. Stop spouting misinformation. The cervix
CANNOT be penetrated by a penis during intercourse. It is anatomically impossible. The cervical
opening (known as the external os) is too narrow for a penis to enter. Unless a woman is in advanced
labor during childbirth (or she's suffering a late-stage miscarriage) the cervical opening always
remains TINY. It's an inch wide. One inch. That's only enough to allow semen and menstrual blood to
pass through. Even if a penis could somehow penetrate your cervix (which it CANNOT), it wouldn't be
enjoyable by any means. You'd be screaming your head off in excruciating agony as you were rushed
to the Emergency Room. A large penis or dildo can possibly push the head of the cervix further up,
which may FEEL like penetration to some people, but no cervical penetration is happening. What can
happen when a woman is extra aroused is that the top of the vagina slightly expands and the cervix
moves up. This lets a woman take a bigger cock and/or have vigorous sex without it hurting. I repeat:
penises NEVER penetrate the cervix. It would be a medical emergency if it happened. Get educated
ffs!

Quoting again from page 2 "Keith readjusted his open mouth and managed to trap my clit under his
top lip, as he began to work his open mouth against me. His tongue on my G-spot and his lip working
my clit." Again, no. Nope. Unless Keith is some kind of mouth contortionist, this is extremely unlikely.
The g-spot is located a few inches up from the vaginal opening at the anterior inside wall. The clitoris
is part of the vulva. It is outside the vagina, located where the labia majora meet. If you need a visual,
go look at a labeled diagram in a biology textbook. Why am I pointing out these anatomical
impossibilities? Cause it takes your readers out of the story. It's jarring and spoils any eroticism you
might have managed to build up. It just makes people go, "huh...?"

Another thing I'll pick on is your comment that Keith had "good genetics." Err...no. Someone may
look fit and healthy enough, but it's not an indication of what's in their genes. Only tests can tell you
that. The most debilitating autosomal dominant genetic disorders tend not to crop up until middle
age, and a person may not even know it runs in their family until the symptoms kick in. There's
Huntington's, EOFAD, Fatal Familial Insomnia, Nocturnal front lobe epilepsy, Gardner's Syndrome,
and so many other disorders that bring on a slow, painful, progressive, heartbreaking death. Aside
from those, there are multifactorial things like alcoholism, schizophrenia and certain cancers. Those
can be triggered because of lifestyle choices, and only a comprehensive family medical history can
warn of it and tell a person what to avoid to lessen their chances of developing it. That's why smart
people go the clinic route. That way they know what they're signing up for. What your female
character has done is play Russian roulette with her kids' lives. It is the utmost pinnacle of stupidity
to have a baby with a guy you've only known a couple of days and whose family you know nothing
about, just because he looks like he has "good genetics."

While we're on the subject of your female main character's poor life choices, did you intentionally set
out to make her an asshole control-freak, or was that by accident? First of all, she treats her husband
like he's a child who's mentally incapable of making decisions about his own life. Quoting from page
1: "We decided that it was best to not tell Steve the news until I knew exactly what I thought we
should do next." So you're saying that this woman thought it was acceptable to discuss her husband's
sterility with her best friend without his prior permission, and in agreement with said best friend,
decided to keep the knowledge from him until she'd made a unilateral decision alone? And you still
expect any sane reader to root for her? Err...no. What a normal human being would do is have an
open, honest, private conversation with their spouse first. They'll make a decision together, and
THEN they can discuss it with friends if their spouse gives permission. That's simple respect and
courtesy, no matter what the genders are.

Secondly, she took it upon herself to lie to him about his own damn test results and intentionally
saddle him with children whose parentage he might have objected to. Where was the poor guy's say
in all this? Does he have any semblance of autonomy over his own life? She's a control-freak. Which
is fine if that's your intention, but don't be surprised if nobody roots for her.

Thirdly, I found her reaction to the test results really weird. Why was she angry with him for being
sterile? That's not a normal reaction for a person to have, and it took me out of the story. It's not as if
he chose to be sterile. If she had discovered he'd gotten a vasectomy years ago and lied about it, I'd
get why she was mad. In this case, she's mad at him over a health issue he suffers from, which makes
her an asshole with no empathy. Another example of her being an empathy-impaired asshole is with
her supposed "best friend". Becky is divorced, lonely and only moderately attractive. She's always
wanted Keith but instead of trying to set them up (as a real BFF would) your main character is
content to laugh at her for years because Keith won't "give her the time of day."

I could go on and list more critiques, but I've got other things to do today and I've already spent time
typing all this out on a mobile device. This story falls short in every way. Here's my sincere advice: 1,
Brush up on basic grammar rules (you also make errors like using "breath" instead of "breathe"). 2,
Find an editor to help you with the finer points of storytelling. 3, Get a beta-reader to give you
opinions on normal character development and motivations. 4, Please, please PLEASE learn basic
anatomy.