Why Modern Dating Can Be So Hard

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Why Modern Dating Can Be So Hard
JUNE 11 2012
Why Modern Dating

Can Be So Hard
When you think about it, despite feeling difficult, the problems
people struggle with in dating sound pretty trivial.
For instance, we have been walking

Articles Books and talking their
Courses entire Contact
Forum lives,
yet walking up to an attractive stranger and opening their mouths
to say “Hi,” can feel impossibly complex to us. People have been
using a phone since they were children, yet the agony some go
through just to dial
a person’s phone number you’d think they were being

waterboarded. Most men have kissed a woman before and
they’ve seen hundreds of movies and instances in real life of other
people kissing, yet as she stares dreamily into his eyes hour after
hour, he tells himself he can never find the “right moment” to do it.
Why? It sounds simple, but why is it so hard?
There are men who have built business empires, gone to war, played violent sports,
climbed mountains, written novels — and yet the mere sight of a petite woman in a
sexy dress sends their hearts racing and minds reeling.
Dating advice often compares improving one’s dating life to improving at some
practical skill, such as playing piano or learning a foreign language. Sure, there are
some overlapping principles, but I can’t imagine a grown man trembling with anxiety
every time he sits down at the keyboard. And I’ve never met a man who became
depressed for a week after failing to conjugate a verb correctly. They’re not the
same.
Generally speaking, if someone practices piano daily for two years, they will
eventually become quite competent at it. Yet many people spend most of their lives
with one romantic failure after another.
Why?
What is it about this oneArticles

area of life that the most Courses
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can feel impossible,
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that repetitive behavior often leads to little or no change, and that our psychological
defense mechanisms run rampant trying to convince us to not pursue what we want?
Why dating and not, say, skiing? Or even our careers? Why is it that a person can
conquer the corporate ladder, become a militant CEO, demanding and receiving the
respect and admiration of hundreds of brilliant minds, and then at night cower and
stutter his way through a date with a beautiful stranger?
Our Emotional Maps

As children, none of us get 100% of our needs met. This is true of you. It’s true of
me. It’s true of everyone. The degree of which our needs aren’t met varies widely,
and the nature of how our needs are unfulfilled differs as well. But it’s the sad truth
about growing up: we’ve all got baggage. And some of us have a lot of it. Whether it
is a parent who didn’t hold us enough, who didn’t feed us regularly enough, a father
who wasn’t around often, a mother who left us and moved away, being forced to
move from school to school as a child and never having friends — all of these
experiences leave their mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us.
The nature and depth of these traumas imprint themselves onto our unconscious
and become the map of how we experience love, intimacy and sex throughout our
lives.
If mom was over-protective and dad was never around, that will form part of our map
for love and intimacy. If we were manipulated or tormented by our siblings and peers,
that will imprint itself as part of our self-image. If mom was an alcoholic and dad was
screwing around with other women, it will stay with us. If our first girlfriend died in a
car accident or dad beat us because he caught us masturbating — well, you get the
point. These imprints will not only affect, but define, all of our future romantic and
sexual relationships as an adult.
You and I and everyone else have met hundreds, if not thousands, of members of
the opposite sex. Out of those thousands, multiple hundreds easily met our physical
criteria for a mate. Yet out of those hundreds, we only fall in love with a very few.
Only a handful we meet in our entire lives ever grab us on that gut-level, where we
lose all rationality and control and lay awake at night thinking about them.
It’s often not the one we expected to fall for either. Susie was perfect on paper. Jane
had the great sense of humor and was amazing in bed. But Melissa is the one we
can’t stop thinking about, the one we involuntarily keep going back to over and over
and over again.
Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious becomes
exposed to someone who matches the archetype of parental love we experienced
growing up, someone whose behavior matches our emotional map for intimacy. Our
unconscious is always seeking to return to the unconditional nurturing we received
as children, and to re-process and heal the traumas we suffered.
In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out members of the opposite sex who it believes will fulfill our
unfulfilled emotional needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out on as kids. This is why
the people we fall in love with almost always resemble our parents on an emotional level.
Hence why people who are madly in love say to each other, “you complete me,” or
refer to each other as their “better half.” It’s also why couples in the throes of new
love often act like children around one another. Their unconscious mind can’t
differentiate between the love they’re receiving from their girlfriend/boyfriend and the
love they once received as a child from their parents.
This is also why dating and relationships are so painful and difficult for so many of
us, particularly if we had strained familial relationships growing up. Unlike playing the
piano or learning a language, our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our
emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations,
these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism,
stress and pain.
So that woman rejecting you when you approach her isn’t just rejecting you, but to
your unconscious you’re reliving every time your mother rejected you or turned down
your need for affection.
That irrational fear you feel when it comes time to take your clothes off in front of a
new someone isn’t just the nervousness of the moment, but every time you were
punished for sexual thoughts or feelings growing up.
Don’t believe me? ThinkArticles Books no-shows

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meeting with you. How do you feel? Annoyed likely. Maybe a tad disrespected. But
chances are you get over it quickly, and by the time you get home and are watching
TV you don’t even remember it even happened.
Now, imagine someone you are extremely attracted to no-shows for a date. How do
you feel? If you’re like most people who struggle in this area of their life: like shit.
Like you just got used and lead on and shat on.
Why? Because being flaked on rubs up against your unconscious fear of

abandonment, fear that nobody loves you and that you’re going to be alone forever.
Ouch.
Maybe you freak out and call them and leave her angry voicemails. Maybe you
continue to call them weeks or months later, getting blown off over and over again,
feeling worse and worse each time. Or maybe you just get depressed and mope
about it on an online forum, asking for advice to prevent it happening in the future.
Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is
an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up.
It’s why you’re terrified to go for the first kiss even though she’s sent you 100 signals
saying she likes you. It’s why you freeze up when it comes time to introduce yourself
to a man you don’t know or tell someone you just met how you feel about them. It’s
why you clam up every time you go to bed with someone new or you freeze up and
get uncomfortable when it’s time to open and share yourself with somebody.
The list goes on and on.
All of these issues have deep-seated roots in your unconscious, your unfulfilled
emotional needs and traumas.
Disassociating From Our
Emotions
A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by
disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for
intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our
emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt
while still reaping the superficial benefits. It takes time and practice, but once
disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating
without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics.
Here are common ways we disassociate dating from their emotions:
Objectification of sex and members of the opposite sex. Objectifying someone

is when you see them only for a specific purpose and don’t see them as fully
integrated human beings. You can objectify people as sex objects, professional
work objects, social objects, or none of the above. Men tend to objectify women
sexually. Some women objectify men as avenues for gaining power or
influence. But objectification is ultimately disastrous for one’s own emotional
health, not to mention one’s relationships.
Sexism. Viewing the other sex as inferior or inherently evil/inept is a sure way to
redirect one’s emotional problems outward onto a population at large rather
than dealing with them yourself. Without fail, men who treat and view women as
some inferior “other,” are more often than not projecting their own anger and
insecurities onto the women they meet rather than dealing with them. The same
goes for women.
Manipulation, lines and tactics. By adopting lines, manipulation or tactics to
meet and seduce women, a man is withholding his true identity from the woman
and therefore is withholding his emotional map as well. If a woman is falling for
the perception of who he is rather than who he really is, then there’s far less risk
for conjuring up the buried emotional stress and pain of his prior relationships.
Overuse of humor, teasing, bantering. A classic strategy of distraction. Not that
jokes or teasing are always bad, but an interaction of nothing but jokes and
teasing is a means to communicate without saying anything important, to enjoy
yourselves without actually do anything, and to feel like you know each other
without actually knowing a thing. This is most typical of English-speaking
cultures, as they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection
rather than actually showing it.
Stripclubs, prostitution, pornography. A way to experience one’s sexuality
vicariously through an empty, idealized vessel, whether it’s on a screen, a pole,
or running you $100 an hour.
Generally, the more resentment one is harboring towards the opposite sex, the more
one objectifies them. Men who had turbulent relationships with their mothers, men
who were left by their wives or girlfriends, or men who were tormented by women
growing up, these men will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify
and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their
emotional scars with the women they become involved with (See: Madonna/Whore
Complex).
Women also disassociate their emotions and objectify men as well. But there’s a lot
more social pressure on men to ignore their emotions, particularly “weak” emotions
such as a need for intimacy and love. It’s more socially acceptable for men to
objectify their sex lives and boast about it. Whether you think that’s right or wrong or
doesn’t matter, it is how it is.
Confronting Your Issues

and Winning
Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only
external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and
resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Most people aren’t willing
to dig deep and put in the effort, but it yields far greater and permanent results.
1) The biggest misconception when it comes to working through an excess of

emotional baggage is that these feelings ever completely go away. Research and
brain imaging indicates that fears, anxieties, traumas, etc. are imprinted on our
brains in similar ways that our physical habits are. Just like you’ve developed a habit
of brushing your teeth every time you wake up, you have emotional habits of getting
sad or angry any time you feel abandoned or unwanted.
The way to change is not by removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but
rather consciously replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings.
This can only be accomplished through taking action. There is no other way. You
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in healthy ways andCourses
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insecuritiesContact
if you
aren’t out there actively pushing up against them. Trying to do so is like trying to
learn how to shoot free throws left-handed without ever actually touching a
basketball. It just doesn’t work.
If you have a habit of flipping out and leaving angry voicemails every time someone
doesn’t call you back, you don’t get rid of the anger, but rather channel that anger
into a better and healthier activity, like say, going to the gym, or painting a picture, or
punching a punching bag.
2) Anxieties can be overcome through utilizing implementation intentions and

progressive desensitization. For instance, if you have a problem getting sexual or
making the first move with women, start with baby steps. Tell the next woman you go
on a date with that she’s sexy. Once that feels comfortable then challenge yourself to
have a conversation about sex. After that challenge yourself to hold hands with a
woman. Then challenge yourself to kiss a woman.
I’ve set up online programs that utilize progressive desensitization to help men
overcome their anxieties around women.
Obviously this takes time and requires consistently facing situations which make you
uncomfortable, but that’s the idea. You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and
anxiety with new healthier ones of excitement, boldness and assertiveness. Mentally
train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force yourself to do it anyway.
3) The final step — once you’ve learned to channel your negative emotions in
constructive ways, once you’ve eaten away at your anxieties and are able to often
act despite them — is to come clean with people you date about your needs and
start screening based on them.
For instance, I’ve always had a fear of commitment and needed a woman who was
comfortable giving me space and some freedom. Not only do I openly share this with
women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.
Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in a loving and conscious
relationship with someone who you can trust and work together with – and not just
your emotional issues, but hers as well. We unconsciously seek out romantic
partners in order to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do so cannot be
completely done alone.
This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-
quality interactions – the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will
naturally screen for those women who best suit you and connect with you.
This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic with women. Instead of chasing
and pursuing, convincing and persuading, you focus on consistently improving
yourself and presenting that self to the women of the world. The right ones will pay
attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this
enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional
wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and
ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and
intimacy.
An Invitation for Change

I invite you to post in the comments below what your emotional hang ups are in this
area of your life, where they probably come from, and how you could overcome them
in an open and honest way.
As an example, I grew up in a broken family where all members isolated themselves

and we communicated our emotions very seldom. As a result, I became highly
sensitive to confrontation and any negative emotions of others. I became the
consummate Nice Guy and for years struggled to assert myself in my relationships
and around women. In fact, I objectified my sex life quite a bit and adopted some
narcissistic behaviors in order to push me through some of these insecurities.
My fear of commitment is undoubtedly rooted in my parents’ divorce and my knee

jerk reaction for years was to run away any time a woman attempted to get close to
me. I slowly eroded that fear by opening myself up to intimate opportunities little by
little over a long period of time. I was incapable of becoming intimate with a woman
unless I had an escape route (i.e., she had a boyfriend, or I was going to move to
another city soon, etc.).
Spending all of my adolescence living alone with my mother has made me
particularly sensitive to female affection, and like a smoker rationalizing reasons to
smoke one last cigarette, I have often rationalized myself into intimate and sexual
situations with women who I perhaps should not have been with or didn’t actually like
as much as I thought I did.
This is my emotional map — at least part of it. These are the hang ups and issues
that I’ve battled and slowly beaten back with years of active effort. These are the
realities that I express openly and seek out the proper women who can handle them.
What are yours?
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166 Comments LEAVE A COMMENT
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Peter Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I had a perfect childhood. Could not have asked for better

parents.
I don’t want to commit to a girl while I’m in my 20s. Not because I
don’t want to get hurt but because I don’t want to hurt the girl
when I decide to leave. I highly value my independence.
adam Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
“In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out members of the

opposite sex who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional
needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out
on as kids. ”
As soon as I read that line, I had to stop reading – it hit so close to

home.
For the past year I’ve struggled to deal with the breakup of my ex.
She was the first girl I loved so much that I actually considered
marrying. What has bugged me the most is simply trying to figure
out why I liked her so much, and it really makes sense now.
I grew up with a very nurturing, loving mother, and an alcoholic,

emotionally uninvolved father – and both parents were
significantly older than most, with older relatives and cousins to
boot. So I matured very early in life. That turned me into the
pensive nice guy – really difficult for me to get a girlfriend, but
once I got her, she was smitten.
Then along came my ex – and exactly what you said was the
reason I was so connected with her; it’s why I’m so frustrated that
we aren’t together – because she fulfilled a need I never had
before. I enjoyed our relationship so much because we were
codependent children. I was very attached to my mom growing
up, so her need to be around me all the time fulfilled that
childhood familiarity. And the fact that she acted like a 10 year old
around me (i.e. baby talk, play wrestling, etc) made me feel like I
could be a kid again, something I never really was in the first
place.
Thanks for writing this article, because you helped me truly

identify WHY I have had such a hard time letting go – why she
was so special to me. I guess I’m writing for the therapy of putting
it in black and white, but I’m not really sure where to go from here
with this new information. Any ideas?
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
That’s the thing about expanding your awareness of your

own issues, in and of itself it doesn’t do a whole lot,
maybe makes you feel a little better.
Use this new knowledge to inform your future decisions

and how to interpret your feelings. That’s what you can do
with it.
Zac Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
“Misogyny. Viewing women as inferior or as highly different

creatures with different values, desires and emotions is a sure
way to redirect one’s emotional problems outward onto the female
population at large rather than dealing with them yourself. Without
fail, men who treat and view women as some inferior “other,” are
more often than not projecting their own anger and insecurities
onto the women they meet rather than dealing with them. (For
what it’s worth, this applies to some misandrist feminists I’ve
come across as well).”
So many men need to hear this. Most probably wouldn’t listen

though. It’s funny how obvious it can be that they are just upset
whiny guys that haven’t dealt with themselves and how blind they
can be to it. Some guys go so far as to make a blog and take their
emotional past and problems out on the internet cough cough
Roissy cough.
Great article. I’ll be thinking more about this whole thing and I’ll
post my emotionalBooks
Articles hangups soon.
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Paul Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Similar to you Mark, I grew up in a house where no one talked to

each other, and am a product of divorce. I grew up mostly with my
father and step mother, who I was never able to feel a genuine
motherly love from. I dreaded confrontation, especially with her,
as she seemed to love arguments for the sake of winning them,
and became very passive-aggressive as a result. Currently as I
stand now, I still cannot fathom showing my true self to a woman
I’m attracted to, I feel deep down she would run away instantly. I
also have a hard time figuring who my true self is in the first place.
I think I’ve had enough unsuccessful dates now that I’m willing to
try something drastically different, because I know exactly what
will happen if I keep the conversation too nice and playful without
ever any real boldness or connection. I will figure out what I’m
afraid to say to a girl, and say it. And in the end, if I’m rejected, I’d
be more okay knowing I was at least honest.
NiKI Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
As a girl with a similar background (just swap critical birth

mother for distant step mother), I would find it so
refreshing to be able to have a conversation like this
about something real and personal with a new guy. I
applaud this article, the practice of introspection and
emotional work, and you for being willing to try it! Even if it
doesn’t work the first time please don’t give up- the right
girl will appreciate your effort.
Jon Reply
1 MONTH AGO
Articles Books
Read no more me niceCourses
guy by robertForum Contact
glover. It should help
with your nice guy self sabotaging.
Leo Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Mark, could you cite the sources for this article; please.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Check out “Getting the Love You Want” by Dr. Harville

Hendrix, and “Love Sick” by Dr. Frank Tallis.
Also, the research of John Gottman is relevant.
Paul Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Another related and quite excellent source that might be

of interest is ‘Can Love Last?’ by Stephen A. Mitchell, a
relational psycholanalyst. Brilliant stuff, and parts of this
post remind me of that.
Leo_Q
2 MONTHS AGO
You’ve already mentioned some of my baggage. I Reply
grew up in a broken family with parents that fought
all the time during my adolescense. I’ve struggled with a view of
“marriage” (or any LTR) as a mix between a boring, “no-sex”
desertArticles
and having Books
affairs to avoid that feeling.
Courses That’s a view
Forum Contact
inherited from parents that played that dynamic. And of course
that translates to fear of commitment. I don’t want to be “trapped”,
I want to live life and have lots of fun. Which means lots of
random sex that I don’t have anyway since I’m such a nice guy,
hehe =)
My family isolation plays a role, with a very individualistic

environment that has a TV on every room and rarely gets
together. For me, it matches your view that I have a hard time with
conflicts and asserting myself. Thanks for that insight! So
sometimes I end up acting like a puppy instead of telling my
girlfriend “listen, this is how I am, I like what we have, but I really
want to be myself and not just a reflection of you”. So every time
she acts in disapproval about something I actually like about
myself, I know I should stand for it. But I don’t. ‘Cause I’m scared
of conflict. So, big problem.
What else? A big need of female attention and nurturing. An

emotional trauma with infidelity (but hey, I should’ve known
better… in retrospective that girl was GOING to do it and I knew
it!). Passive-aggressive behavior.
Sounds terrible, but, as you may imply with this post, working
through it is way more rewarding than just increasing my lay
count. Of course, if my current relationship fails, I can go back to
the lay count just to numb a bit the feelings. But I know the real
work is done here, in the emotional world.
Tony Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Is this the writer’s opinion? It reads like a college textbook only

with out citations. What study is this based on? Whose work says
we look for our parents in our lovers? Freud?
Mark Manson Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Articles
Check outBooks Courses Theory,
Imago Relationship Forum Contact
Helen Fisher’s
research as well as the two books mentioned in the
comment above.
There is a Freudian basis with this stuff, but it wasn’t

invented by Freud per se.
brent Reply
1 DAY AGO
if it’s not too much trouble, could you please

mention the books, articles, blogs, people etc.
used in creating future articles? Not a scientific
citation, but a short little bibliography at the end
with the title and author. While your summaries
are much appreciated, I think many of your
readers, myself included, are want to read the
things which inspired your insights in hopes of
reinforcing these insights and getting more
insights. Maybe you could even get pingback
income in money and traffic as a result. Just a
thought =]
T. AKA Ricky Raw Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Why has the term Freud become such a pejorative? He

got some major things wrong, but the man did get a whole
lot right that we currently take for granted as common
sense.
Gary Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Articles
“In short, Books is wired
our unconscious Courses Forum
to seek out members Contact
of the
opposite sex who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional
needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out
on as kids. This is why the people we fall in love with almost
always resemble our parents on an emotional level.”
I don’t understand, you say we try to subconsciously look for

people that act DIFFERENTLY from our parents, in that the way
they treat us to fulfill the roles they didn’t, yet you say the people
we fall in love with RESEMBLE our parents. Isn’t that
contradictory?
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Seek out people similar to our parents. It’s so that you

can resolve the problems with your parents through your
relationship with your significant other.
DOMINIK Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Sorry, I still have to ask for some clarification:

a) Do you mean it is helpful to seek out partners
who are similar to our parents (as in ‘get a chance
to do the resolving’)?
b) How does that play out if one recognizes that
they are probably not the most emotionally mature
people? I love my mum, but being in a relationship
with someone of her character I think I couldn’t
bear to be honest.
Thanks for the post, I think it’s brilliant.
D

Mark Manson Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
You ALREADY seek out partners similar to

your parents, whether you’re aware of it or
not. Your conscious decisions won’t change
that.
Ever meet a woman who you THINK is

everything like? Maybe she has the same
hobbies, is educated the way you like, has
a similar sense of humor, but there’s just no
chemistry? And then there may be a woman
who you know is bad for you but you don’t
know how to stay away from her?
Yeah…
NK
1 MONTH AGO
So should I stick at it with the guy/gal

who is so right but the attraction isn’t
there?
Taking a break from any dating and
sexual contact just seems impossible
for me – the longest I went was four
months.
Me: I have been hiding away in

casual FWB situations for the last
year or two. I had a disrupted early
childhood. My parents were in
constant conflict when I was a small
child, domestic violence and then my
dad got arrested for indecent
exposure to a minor (two 13 yr old
girls). Eventually, after my mothers
breakdown I was taken into care for 2
Articles Books years. At aged 9Forum
Courses my DAD gotContact
custody
and he continued his behaviour to
one of my friends when I was aged 11
or 12. Living with him and no mother
about for a time I harboured this
secret about my friend. He was also
emotionally distant during ages 11 –
16. Was quite lonely, as when I did
see my mum she was angry, bitter
and still recovering from her
experience. I couldn’t confide in her.
She also had a massive dis trust of
me and to this day our relationship is
difficult as she can be emotionally
draining and slightly abusive. My dad
has since married again and beat his
wife in the beginning of the
relationship. I had a 4 year
relationship aged 18 – 23 and
although the guy was lovely and it
was healthy I always felt undeserving
and uncomfortable. Eventually I left
him by sabotaging our relationship by
cheating with a narcissistic guy who
tried to abuse me. After 18 months of
hell and on/off and getting with other
guys I left and have tried dating guys
who don’t seem suitable and having
lots casual sexual relationships over
the last 3 years. I turned away to
‘good’ guys during this time when I
was trying to get over the narc.
I am trying now to get out of this
behaviour. I think I’m a minor sex
addict. I’v had 2 years of therapy
which helped for a time, but a strong
bout of depression actually caused
me to stop therapy and I keep
stopping and starting.

G Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I had a relatively normal childhood without any divorced or

abusive parents. Yet, I’ve always had a very distant relationship
with my dad – he lacked the ability to communicate with me
properly, so now even though I’m 22, he only talks to me about
technology, and never about anything emotional at all. I can’t
even remember the last time we had a non-logical conversation,
and we pretty much never talk even though I live with my parents.
So I feel that I’ve always grew up supplicating to my mom, who

I’ve perceived as emotionally weak, and as such I feel like I
inherited a lot of her traits, which work really badly on a guy.
Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I became a
narcissistic doormat who was (and still is) also very introverted
and shy. I’d always be afraid to stand up for myself, have
friendzoned crushes on girls, got bullied briefly at the start of high
school (not beaten, but just constantly harassed) and always tried
to manipulate others to do my bidding. Being short after my
puberty doesn’t help alleviate my insecurities either.
Since stumbling on pickup almost a year ago, things haven’t really

gotten better, except I know myself better now. It went from
learning the tactics for chasing the girl to discovering I have a lot
of emotional issues. I sometimes feel like my problems are too
many to name, from a great lack of honesty and inability to be
vulnerable to being unskilled at banter and fear of sexual
escalation. Its as if I know what I’m doing wrong, yet nothing is
really being fixed.
I’ll be honest. This is one of my favorite blogs so far (and I know

that its trying to head into a less pickup-associated sort of
direction), and I’ll dump out what I’m currently like. I’m a 22 year
old virgin who’s had one girlfriend but always had fear being
sexual, because I believe my mom is against premarital or casual
sex (in fact, she hasn’t slept in the same room as my dad for over
10 years). If you met me in person, I would come off as intelligent
and well-dressed, and depending on how my day is going, I will
either be timid and socially awkward or confident and charismatic.
I will come off as nice, that being due to my fear of speaking my
mind Articles
and running into conflictsCourses
Books with others. Forum Contact
My immediate goals are really being a more honest and

vulnerable person and meeting more friends – girls can come
later. I am very close with the few friends I have now, but that’s
because the barriers got broken down and they became people
that I can constantly dump my emotional problems to. Literally
most conversations I have with my friends are about ME, MY
problems, or some philosophy about life, or how I’m going to
game girls soon. I have a VERY hard time getting close with
people otherwise, because conversations would either be
awkward or revolve around opinions and facts and advice, never
becoming more feelings or experiences related; most of my
humor is also quite blunt and dark, so I’ve learned to not say too
much in front of others. I have very low confidence in meeting
new people (guys, not just girls), because I’m afraid they’ll find
about me as being a narcissistic, manipulative bastard. So I get
all smiley and positive, trying to come off as a chill, upbeat guy,
but that’s not who I am. Inside, I just want them to like me
because I’m naturally coming from a scarcity mindset. I need
more friends. I have 0 female friends. I haven’t had a girlfriend in
7 years.
Tim Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
A lot that could be said here, but I just wanted to mention

that I think being as aware as you are of these problems
and their manifestations is the first step to dealing with
them.
G
2 MONTHS AGO
Reply
Thank you, but on most days I can
barely muster the courage to step outside my
comfort zone, and its quite frustrating.
Jack Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Just wanted you to know that I support you

and care about you G. Remember to give
yourself lots of self-love! God knows
walking the path is hard sometimes! x
Jeff Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
This almost reads as if I wrote this. goes to show you, that

you are not alone
brent Reply
1 DAY AGO
seriously though, I’ve never seen so many people

(more below this comment) who agree with one
story. And we ALL thought our situation was so
unique. We just needed one of us to speak up!
thank you G. Now let’s stop whining and start
acting!
kenneth
2 MONTHS AGO
You sound almost exactly like me. I grew Reply
up mostly with my mother, who used her
weak religious beliefs as a way to control herself with fear
and judgement of others. She is almost 50 and has no
friends. MyBooks
Articles parental situation/history
Courses isn’t exactlyContact
Forum the
same, but I feel like I need to be closer to the people I
know. I’m 19 and about to start my second year of
college. I have no female friends and very few male
friends, even though I am somewhat well-known and I
know and am on friendly terms with a lot of people. Most
of the time I refuse to take that second step after meeting
someone, so we stay only acquaintances.
Steve Reply
1 MONTH AGO
Check out “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, by Dr. Robert Glover
Neo Reply
1 MONTH AGO
Hey, if I didn’t know better, I’d say I wrote that about

myself. Lately, I came across an aspiring therapist on
Tumblr, who said she’d help me out with some of my
issues, in exchange for some practice. We found out that
a lot of my issues stemmed from just not being respected
by others, turning into not being respected by myself. Like
you, I was harassed, but never beaten(as I could have
probably beaten them up, or at least make them think I
would). If you have seen the movie, “The Gentle Giant,”
that was me. I was, and still am, nice to everyone and just
want it to be a better place, but I never bothered to stop to
think about myself until recently(or rather, not so recently,
about 2 years ago). Since then I did some things that
changed me. I started just by going to after school
functions. I mingled with a few people and somehow got
the balls to ask out a girl who was a friend of friends. My
issue was that I would take forever to make a move.
Mark’s article http://postmasculine.com/shut-up-and-kiss-
her basicially says what I needed to hear back then. Just
shut up and do it. I eventually got dumped because she
only saw me
Articles as a friend,
Books probably because
Courses Forum I onlyContact
acted
like her friend. Anyways, aside from her, I went to more
and more events, I allowed myself to talk about myself
and how I felt about things. A lot of times I learned that
others had felt the same way. I later became president of
a few clubs and part of the SGA. Now I have a new
girlfriend and starting to see the same issues crop up.
Now, I know what I have to do, and I will promise you that
I will do it the next time I see her. I’m not going to seduce
her into bed, but I will try to romance her beyond my
comfort zone, and maybe even hers.
Jack Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
“For instance, I’ve always had a fear of commitment and needed

a woman who was comfortable giving me space and some
freedom. Not only do I openly share this with women I get
involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these
traits.”
I wonder if it would be possible for you to truly escape from the

past to the extent that you were comfortable in a very intimate and
close relationship.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Generally speaking, once I’ve been with a girlfriend for

more than 3-6 months, I’m fine. It’s that first 3-6 months
into the relationship and the 3-6 months before the
relationship where I’ve been a head case in the past.
Although, right now I’ve been seeing someone for four
months and have more or less committed to her without a
whole lot of fear or resistance (there’s still some; always
some), but compared to my last serious relationship, I’ve
been FAR Books
Articles more comfortable settling Forum
Courses down a bit this time.
Contact
Tony S. Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
For most of my life, I’ve lived with my mom and my 3 siblings, 2

brothers and 1 sister. My dad passed away when I was about 5
years old. My mom has been caring for us since. Being the middle
child and growing up, a lot of attention was given to my other
siblings for being the oldest, youngest, or being a girl; not that I
was completely left out, but oftentimes it felt that way. My mom
rarely let me hang out with the few friends I had–I was raised in a
very sheltered environment where I would be reprimanded for
anything that did not fit the ideal model of “good behavior”.
During grade school, I’d often get picked on by my classmates to

the point where I would cry. I was beaten by a group of guys in
middle school twice; the second time because of one of my so-
called “friends” sent them to beat me up. Most of the kids ripped
on me because of how naive and gullible I was as well as my own
physical appearance. I have been taken advantage of many
different times, to my own expense. I almost got in trouble for a
girl who asked me to slap her ass and she went to the teacher
and told him I wanted to do that. Stuff like this would be
commonplace. By the time I reached high school, most of my time
alone would be dedicated to questioning my actions, thoughts,
even my own existence.
Most of my emotional baggage has come from these two

situations: 1) being overprotected by my family and 2) how I was
treated by anyone my same age. What I took from my upbringing
was that if I’m nice to people and avoided confrontation as much
as possible, I would “make friends”. Thus, I never really learned to
say no or express my negative thoughts in a sane manner–I
would say I fall in the “nice guy” category: never liked to argue,
always avoided fights, and did whatever I could to make others
comfortable, even at my own expense. All of this under the naive
mindset that good people look out for others and will be rewarded.
This, of course, had an impact on my currently non-existent dating

life. I Articles
am 22 years Books
old; I’m a senior in collegeForum
Courses and I neverContact
had a
girlfriend, not even casually dated or had sex. I’ve made out with
girls three times, all of them at a club and under some influence of
alcohol. I’ve read many different articles on how to talk to women,
self-confidence, etc., but I never really gotten to try these steps on
them myself. When my friends and I are out trying to find some
girls to land home with, I always come up short. I barely make any
moves and just sit/stand still, looking at the guys that actually end
up with the girl following him home. My crushes/interests usually
end up: rejecting me or dating/marrying someone else. When it
came to telling someone I like them, I always backed out and
played the whole “let’s be friends, and you will see how much of a
great boyfriend I will be”. Of course, it never went any further than
that–just friends.
I don’t think I am not unattractive at all; I am 6 feet tall, slimmed
down compared to my grade school days, and I have barely any
or blemishes. Oh yeah, and I shaved bald, hehe. :p
I don’t have a car (I’m going to get my driver’s license this

summer, still practicing my driving) which is pretty much needed
in Miami if I want to get anywhere with someone, and I don’t live a
lucrative home or a bank account (I share my bedroom with my
14-year old brother, still living with the family). I hate asking
people for rides, but I stoop myself to ask anyway if I want to hang
out with someone unless it’s on campus.
One of my main goals is to break the cycle of social

awkwardness–something I’ve been working on for the past 4
years, yet it gets very frustrating, as I oftentimes I feel I am not
interesting enough to hang out with other people. I am the quiet
one of my group, and I feel most comfortable when I am alone or
with a small group of people who know me.
If you’ve got this far, thanks for bearing with me–there was a lot I
thought about as I read this article, and it was one of the few
moments I actually focused of answering these questions by
looking back in a proactive way, and please give me any insight if
possible; I want to take these couple of months to evaluate myself
and the image I bring to others.

Jean Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I know a thing or two about psychanlysis. Psychanalysis

is the branch of Psychology that says that our childhood
has a very important influence in our future and is the
branch of psychology this article is based on.
Alfred Adler was a psychanalist (you know the term ”

inferiority complex”? It was him who first came up with it).
Now, he used to say that the order of birth of a person
influences so much her personality.
For example: Older brothers or people who are only sons

tend to be overprotected by their parents. Why? Because
they are the first borns. They are not stimulated to do
“dangerous activities” (xxx sports for example) but to stay
on their confort zones and enjoy activities like reading or
watching discovery channel. They also tend to feel very
important on the family because they are the oldest (wich
gives them a certain status quo) for this same reason,
they tend to choose professions who value status quo,
like buiseness or politics.
You are not the oldest one, but since you feel you were
overprotected you kinda get to have some ” older brother
traits”.
now, you are the middle one. And according to Adler, the
middle one ALWAYS feels like he doesn’t get much
attention. That happens because parental care is pointed
mainly to the youngest son, but you’re not the oldest one
so you don’t get to have the same ” hey, look at me, i’m
the oldest brother and i am responsabile for my younger
brothers, i am such a leader” status as your older brother.
Given that, the middle brother is the person who keeps
everybody united. He is kinda of a moderator of parental
care from a young age.
I hope what i told you makes you understand more about

yourself and
Articles your emotional
Books map. And
Courses i can sense
Forum that if
Contact
you work on yourself you’ll get a lot of awesome women
too.
antonio s. Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Thanks for the insight, Jean! I’ve heard of the

inferiority complex before and having a higher
status mentality. My oldest brother has always
been the one who would take charge of the
decisions among us four; I’ve been more
complacent to take charge. He’s getting a masters
in higher ed, so I guess that falls under that
politics/business category somehow. I am into art
and studying architecture. I’d rather keep to myself
than speak my mind, so that has been holding me
back a lot.
To expand a little bit more, because I tried to make

friends with girls (especially in high school) I
became more sensitive; in college I was told i
needed to get used to hang out with guys, so I that
plays out into the whole “girls want a guy who is
not afraid of being a man instead of a friend”…
Either way, I’ve tried the whole cocky-funny thing
and the whole “be confident” and anything else
from this site or anything else…. I still had no
results and quite frankly I feel like I’m giving up on
even trying to talk to anyone anymore. Sure, when
I am drunk I can talk to anyone, but not really
when I’m sober; unless it’s about work or classes,
which nobody really likes to talk about.
And it’s not even about talking, at my school I get
to talk to a lot of girls; I have really good personal
relationships with them but never have I made any
moves whatsoever.

Ben Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Wow. I feel like I’m reading about myself here. I never had
much of a father figure, and got the least attention
because I was the middle child. Even up to today, I’m 26
years old and all my dad talks about is technology and
money. My mom was a great loving parent but quite
overprotective (though not as much as other parents so I
can’t really blame her too much). My childhood was
similar to yours. I got teased and bullied in middle school,
and a tiny bit in high school. I was shy, reserved, and a
true introvert. I’ve been improving socially lately (thanks to
7 years of college) as I realized what my problems were,
and forced to break my comfort barriers. However, it
seems like it’s still not enough. I’m a 26 year old virgin
who has never had a girlfriend. The furthest I’ve gotten
physically is making out at parties in colleges. It’s so sad
because I have a great career, plenty of hobbies, and I
know for a fact that I’m a decent looking guy. Me and you
are classic examples of how much your childhood affects
your future relations with the opposite sex.
I don’t know what to do about my problem anymore. I’ve

tried PUA. I’ve tried “being myself”. I’m a pretty confident
person (finally) but even that doesn’t seem to help. My
last resort is therapy. I need to get this problem fixed, as
it’s affecting my career and everything else in life. It’s
causing depression. It’s like this one major thing that’s
missing in life. It’s absolutely horrible.
jared
2 MONTHS AGO
I actually had a pretty good upbringing. Thinking Reply
back though and even now to this day my dad
wasn’t always there, since he was a pilot he would be gone for a
few days then back home for a few days. My mom did tend to
take care of me and
Articles I depend on
Books her for advice
Courses in a lot ofContact
Forum
situations. I have always had a hard time socializing, and even in
school I didn’t have too many friends.
I even developed depression and pretty bad bout of it in high

school. I was able to get through it though and made a new group
of friends though, some of them were friends I had long ago but
just reacquainted myself with. Since high school things haven’t
been the best though, I went through a lot of change and not all
good. I work in a kitchen as a prep cook but I want more out of my
life, a lot more. Over the past 2-3 years though ive had these
health issues which has made me gain weight and given me TMJ,
anxiety, nervousness and brain fog, so its hard to speak/think
clearly nearly all the time.
On top of that I’ve had to deal with a lot of

harrassment/discrimination, which after giving a letter about how I
feel which was very honest, and open about how I feel and how
I’ve been treated has gone down a lot. It’s still not the best
though, as dealing with that has lowered my self confidence and
esteem as well. Right now though im working with a
doctor/naturopath to find out whats been causing these, lose
weight and be able to fix my brain fog. Weight has always been
an issue for me and ive lost lots of weight then gained it back over
the past couple of years, right now I am at my heaviest.
I still do binaural beats but when my brain fog starts to clear up I

want to start doing holosync and binaural beats to help myself
out. I think clearing out or at least healing past issues helps a lot. I
think action helps but also getting some help, and I think
personally from binaural beats helps a lot. But first I have to figure
out my health and figure whats the matter though, and fix whats
wrong with my neurotransmitters as well.
Over the past couple of years though I have become more

negative, close minded, narcissistic, and arrogant though. Some
of that is due to women (and directed at women) but mostly to
how ive been treated and whats going on with my life as well.
Matty Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Articles
I never was good at Books Courses for my
overcompensating Forum
problems. Contact
In the
“fight”, “flight” or “surrender” scheme, mine was always surrender.
Even in my short lived stint in overcompensation, I could never
keep the facade up for long, and the walls would always come
crashing down really quickly. I was also always deathly afraid of
expressing interest in a girl. This is a combination of a
traumatizing incident when I was 13 (a girl found out I liked her
and her friend told the entire school), and the fact that my Mother
was a little stingy and conditional with her acceptance. I’ve gotten
to the point where I can open myself up to the woman I meet and
express myself vulnerably, but instead of fearing rejection upfront,
i’m now afraid of that they’ll find out i’m inadequate after the fact,
and that they’ll somehow have buyers remorse. Like they’ll
somehow get in enough and discover all the deeper flaws, and
decide they’re no longer interested, and i’ll end up losing the
connection I had with them. It tends to manifest itself in extreme
anxiety; the text that gets returned late, the odd silence in the
conversation. Even though my rational brain knows that it’s no
biggie, my unconscious insecurity grows bigger, and these little
things become proof that she’s discovered something about me
that repels her and causes her to bail. Quite the unsettling feeling.
On a side note, great article! Has a lot this by chance been

inspired by T over at The Rawness? You’ve done an excellent job
putting it in terms people can relate to and understand. It sounds
like your also getting a lot closer to clarifying your idea of
vulnerability as an honest expression, rather than a “technique to
get you girls”, to those who still don’t quite get it.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
T’s articles have been an inspiration for a long time. But

this is a direction that I’ve been wanting to move in for a
while and I’m finally getting better at clarifying what I
mean. I’ve been talking about “game” being an emotional
process for-friggin-ever, and I’m finally able to sit down
and give the topic some justice.
T. AKA Ricky Raw Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
I want to add that I’ve read a lot of Mark’s stuff too

over the past year, so he’s been an influence on
my current direction as well. Plus I think we’ve
read similar material. That’s also part of the
reason for the similarities
The Charisma of a Cat Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
I had great parents, and although of course nobody has 100% of

their desires met as you say, I second Peter in saying that at least
during my twenties, and very likely for longer, I’m not committing
to monogamy. I see too many girls during the course of my day
who inspire me to go out and shamelessly hit on them that I would
drive a girl who wants to settle down absolutely crazy.
I’m SO GUILTY of the ‘overuse of humor’ (basically never being

serious) thing. Also when I’m talking about deep emotional shit
with someone whether it’s friends family or girls I have to joke
about it after 5 minutes otherwise I’ll become this moody wreck
who take everything 1000% too seriously. But I’m not sure if this is
a bad thing, I tend to like this attitude, it means life affects me less
in an emotional way and I can make better decisions and face my
fears consistently.
By the way, nice blog. I’ve been an enormous lurker for a while.
Luighi Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Brilliant stuff here, Mark. At this point you’re truly in a class by

yourself when it comes to helping men understand their problems
connecting with women. In terms of incorporating real evidence
and research (rather than just anecdote and trial-and-error), I
don’t know of anyone who even comes close. Keep up the good
work
Jean Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
5 things from my childhood that i think influenced my emotional

map:
- My mom was never arround. Neither was my father (both

working). I was raised by my grandparents till the age of 4. Sure, i
never had any problem with attention but i always felt the ” i want
my mommy” feeling. Even tho my grandparents were always
arround, i would spend the day missing my mom. Some of my
oldest friends from the kindergarden still make fun of me, because
if my mom was late five minutes i would get all worried and say ”
Where’s my mommy? Maybe she got hit by a bus!”. I think that
the main problem that resulted from here was mainly shyness
with women.
- Being bullied by girls. Some girls would hit me. Looking back it
was because they liked me. Still, this might be one of the reasons
i grown up feeling insecure about women. The first day at the
kindergarden i was the “new kid”. Some jealous male bully had
the idea of welcoming me by kicking me in the stomach and
yelling ” I am strong!” LOL! This, combined with the fact that i’m
physically fragile also explains why i feel so “lost” when i’m
dealing with guys who are trying to steal my girls.
- The fact that i was a shy kid resulted in me being too shy to ask
the teacher to use the bathroom leading me to piss myself in front
of every kid in the kindergarden leading my “girlfriend” to trade me
for my biggest “rival” at the time. Ouch.
- My sister. This hits right the spot! When i was 8 my sister was 12
and was already living puberty. She used to tease me way too
hard. Annoy me really. Saying that i was ugly, stupid, and no girl
would want to kiss me when i would be her age. She would
always bring the subject
Articles Books of boys and kissing Forum
Courses when she was talking
Contact
to me… a lot! This made me put a LOT of pressure on myself
when it comes to girls. By the age of 10, i was already trying to
proove myself. Constantly worried about getting a girlfriend,
making out ( at the age of 10, i repeat!). This shaped me as
needy, and because girls would be worried about a new dress for
their Barbie Dolls instead of boys i obviously didn’t get any
(combined with my shyness with women) wich always made me
feel as unworthy. This explains why i always wanted to live the
playboy live, why i always wanted to be perfect on my pick ups,
doing it all by the book and overthing stuff.
- Feeling guilty about my sister. I’m the first male born. I always
felt like my father loves me more then my sister. She feelt that
way too. This made me respect women too much, i guess…
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
For anyone browsing, this comment is an excellent

example. A lot of people when they hear that our
emotional issues are caused by trauma immediately
assume “Well, I was never beaten or abused, so I must
be fine.”
This comment is a perfect example of how “normal” family

circumstances can affect one’s emotional map
significantly, and how it’s not just parent relationships, but
siblings, peers, etc.
DOMINIK
2 MONTHS AGO
OK, upbringing: Reply
I think generally feelings were sort of excluded in our family. Not

really talked about and everyone kept them to themselves. To
what extent that lead to people building up fronts or personas I
can’t judge objectively. Might be, might not be, however until a
while ago I thought of my family as being pretty authentic.
I do remember some instances of abandonment feelings: A

moment when my dad (who is only home very little because of his
job) ties his shoes after dinner and has to go away and I’m sad. At
Kindergarten: I was afraid because I was alone and convinced
myself it would be over soon. After Kindergarten my mom was
often late to pick me up, which made me afraid, ashamed and
worried something might be wrong with me. Another thing which
could have made an impact, was irregular meals in our family.
With my older brother, I always felt (physically) inferior and

threatened. At the same time I looked up to him.
With girls: I remember having a crush on our neighbor girl. My

brother aswell and I think this was some (another) kind of rivalry
between us. I also remember the following event: Us kids were
sitting below a staircase with my 2 cousins (male and female). My
male cousin sort of teasingly instructed his sister to give me a
kiss. I felt threatened (she probably as well) and she spit at me. I
also remember a girl at Kindergarten (Yvonne) that I was half
afraid half angry at. I think this was, because she made fun of me
or said my name wrong on purpose.
How these and other experiences might have effected me
I’m somewhat afraid of asserting myself. I avoid competition

situations. I am afraid of being judged. I think of myself as
peaceful and good but I definitely have a hunger for power and I
have also bullied.
Chris Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
My Gist:
-No Father: Self explanatory
-Fairly emotionally distant, Army mother: Would help me through

physical pain, thenBooks
Articles scoff at anyCourses
emotional pains or issuesContact
Forum I
experienced, as if they were trivial… I quickly learned not to even
bother trying to explain or connect with her. She’d put me down
and call me a quitter for things which I decided I didn’t enjoy, and
bring them up later… I wound up being very disrespectful and
distant towards her for a while around puberty; I had very little
discipline.
-I starred at this girl I liked during an assembly in 3rd grade. Just

starred her down non-stop the whole assembly from ~30 yards…
Afterwards she was quite pissy. Later I was called to the consular
because the girl had said that I told her I wanted to have sex with
her (which I never said; her friend had told her I said it). It was
fairly quickly and smoothly sorted out, but still somewhat
traumatic to be called down and sat down like I was in trouble.
Later I went to go play with my friend in his neighborhood after I
had gotten a haircut, she was there, and she said I was ugly. Also
rejected my lollipop of friendship at the end of 4th grade. At one
point later, me and my friend wound up ambushing her with squirt
guns and spraying the shit out of her, which was the last time I
saw her.
-Other girl I had a crazy crush on in 4-5th grade got mad at me for
saying she was sexy on a recording toy thing which my friends
then showed her. (at least I thought she was mad, although I just
ran away when she was going to confront me) I called and said I
was sorry… Hadn’t even thought about this until I read this post…
-Then middle school of puberty+glasses+braces was hellish. Shy

and made fun of, any girls interested in my I disregarded.
-Early High-school with braces gone and contacts, but still with
the attitude of the outlier I had engrained from middle school. Low
self esteem, thought girls who were interested were just making
fun of me. Very shy.
-Late high-school, got into game, started objectifying women a bit.

Got into cocky-funny. Had some success at getting girls
interested, but no real connections.
—
Found Mark and. Here I am. Met an amazing girl in college who I
was completely honest with and fell hard for; unfortunately she
wound up letting me down hard, lying about losing her phone and
completely ignoring
Articles me with a Courses
Books crucially strange timing. My
Forum lack of
Contact
clear explanation of why has left me reeling with shame,
frustration and self doubt; which I’m still processing.
I’ve channeled that emotion into beginning a weight lifting

regimen, stopping porn entirely again and meditating daily.
Although I do still have a strong feeling of abandonment and the
“nobody will ever love me” thing… and I feel my life lacks feminine
energy now, as if I’m hiking through a desert without water. Life
goes on.
Tried Mark’s approach program, got about half way through; it has
helped build my habits and tweak my beliefs quite a bit more than
I originally thought. I recently approached a super hot blonde at
school, said she couldn’t give out her number, but was friendly. I
wasn’t perfectly smooth and it felt like I was trying to convince her
too hard… but I’m very glad I did it. Although the failure of it does
still bite… as mentioned in the article.
I plan to continue to grow and improve. And I continue to be very

thankful to Mark for positively influencing my life.
Edmond Dantès Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
This is in my opinion the best blog post of the year so far. Great
stuff, really enjoyed reading it and it’s so applicable…
Mark, am I right with guessing that this topic will also be a part of
your program about self-esteem, confidence and dealing with
your emotional issues?
Mark Manson
2 MONTHS AGO
Reply
Yes, definitely.
CharlesB Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Υοu can’t compare dating with a practical skill , but I think you can
compare it with a creative skill .
For example a writer or a composer might be too anxious on
writing a new hit , resulting him to create something cheesy , and
not expressing his true self in his works . He might also become
over worried of how the others will perceive his work , and not
trust his own instinct and taste (self -validation). Both of this is
more of a inner issue than practice.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
That’s an interesting point. I’ll have to think about that.
Although some of the greatest artists have been complete

and total head cases and emotional fruit baskets.
Susan Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
As an artist and art therapist/mental health professional in

training (sounds pretentious to list my occupations but I
spend most of my days, thinking about these things), it
amuses me that you make distinctions between dating,
creative processes, and “practical” skills. Mark is right that
some of the most daring artists were mentally unstable,
which can be attributed to unconventional thinking in an
environment that did not support it (invalidating),
traumatic events, and/or the toxicity of materials. This is
frustrating to write this out on a smartphone so I’ll come
back.
Jay Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Great article as always Mark, thanks!
So my emotional map is very similar yet a bit different than

most others. I’m the second born in our family and was raised,
most of my life by my mother after my father left us when I
was five years old. We were three boy back then, before my
mother had her first girl when I was eight and two more little
ones in my teens (most of my siblings are half-siblings).
The consequences are numerous: First of all I have never had

a male role model for too long, and if I had I assumed the role of
my mother’s protector. As my mother had to raise six childs more
or less on her own, she was always tough as hell as she had to
be
mother and father in one person (I really admire her for that!).
But, of course, only being the youngest the first three years of my
life, I had the middle child role most of my childhood, and did not
get too much attention. Of course this is when I developed nice
guys tendencies, just by not wanting to deceive my mom while
making her proud to get her attention.
As I grew older and my older brother left was when I developed

more of a codependent persona, as my mom is not necessarily
the
narcissistic type (she has put her family’s needs in front of hers
since she’s been of age) but obviously needed someone to talk
to,
to make sure she’s still on the right way and to express her
feelings
to, and me as the oldest one in the household became that
person
quite early in my life.
Then there are those special circumstances: I am a black, living in

Germany where there
Articles Booksis not a Courses
huge black community
Forum as Contact
in the US
for instance. My older (half-)brother is white as is my mother, so
I always felt special in that sense and had to fight with myself and
self-pity from time to time growing up and still do, but it has gotten
better.
Second thing: I turned 20 a bit ago and have read pick up material
since I’m… 16 I think. Never acted on it. You would believe that
can
be a big mindfuck, analyzing all those situations, never acting on
shit.
Back in the day I made excuses I was too young to go out and
meet
random women. Then there came a phase of self-pity in which i
blamed my race, my upbringing, my ugliness (while I think I’m
anything
but ugly, my constitution looked for reasons). Did I mention I
kissed two girls in my life, that’s it?
The last girl I fell in love with, and it is scary because I only
realized
it a few days ago, really resembled my mother in a lot of ways.
This is part of why you really hit me with your article Mark.
So a few months ago I was at one of my best friend’s dorm parties

and after talking to a few girls without it going anywhere, after
having
a nice buzz on me, I got really angry. For the first time. All those
years
of reading stuff and not really acting on it I reacted apathetic to all
of it,
but all of a sudden I really raged inside, raged in a self-pitying way
to
my bud and I realized how much I do care. It was scary but
needed;
it shows me that, step by step, I’m getting in touch with my
emotions
better.
I’m sure it will all come with time. I mean, I got ten more years
until
I’m 30, right? It looks like I could have quite a nice career if I
sustain
my excellent
Articles academics.
Books I’m sure I’m more self-aware
Courses Forum than 99%
Contact
people
my age.
And still I pity myself sometimes. Being the odd one out
financially.
Never having had a highschool sweetheart unlike pretty much all
my friends, and I will never be able to just go back and live this
phase of my life again. I just really hope it is all for a reason.
I’m confident it is.
Andrew Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I was fortunate enough to be raised by a loving mom and dad.

However I’ve developed a self limiting belief that approaching
strange women in places like grocery stores, airports, or malls,
will result in embarrassing consequences. All my early dating
experiences led me to this belief, and while people tell me this is
not true, I don’t have reason enough to think its not false either.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
It’s awesome seeing so many guys follow through with this. I

know that it’s not easy to dig into this stuff, much less write it up.
Drewid
2 MONTHS AGO
My family was stable, and my parents were loving, Reply
but with an English mother and a German father
who were both older, I often felt starved for physical attention.
Neither parent was very good with hugging or touching, and I’ve
noticed in my relationships
Articles Books withCourses
women I both crave and Contact
Forum fear
physical contact. Managing this desperation for connection has
been one of my greatest challenges.
My mother’s constant fear of impending disaster has imprinted

heavily on me, and while I’m looking to others to satisfy my needs
for intimacy I’m always convinced that it’s all about to fall apart,
and I’m constantly preparing for that eventuality.
My parents criticisms of my lifestyle, as well as conflicts that came

as a young adult (being and early era nerd, when there was no
support for that community) left me with a great deal of issues
around expressing myself honestly both in terms of what I’m
doing and what I want. That means that sexually its been very
hard for me to express myself honestly with women. I can
remember being a child and feeling incredibly anxious being
around my parents when there was anything sexual on the
television.
Not having developed proper boundaries between myself and

others also means that I have a great deal of difficulty letting
women in, because I’m very concerned that once I do let
someone in, they can do anything they want.
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
“Neither parent was very good with hugging or touching,

and I’ve noticed in my relationships with women I both
crave and fear physical contact.”
I can relate a lot to this.

STU Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Thanks for this – it hits pretty close to home.
Articlesis thatBooks
My situation Courses
my father and Forum neverContact
mother (English) showed
affection toward each other and never shared feelings (or
encouraged me to show mine). My childhood as I remember it
was pretty emotionally blank. I was never taught about sex or love
or anything like that. In addition, my father was incredibly
demanding – everything had to be perfect to be any good
whatsoever, and even when it was perfect it just meant that it was
“good enough.”
So I grew up thinking firstly that I was wrong for having sexual

feelings or emotions in general. It was taboo. When I was a
teenager and started having sexual thoughts/feelings, I felt a lot of
shame – that what I was thinking or feeling was wrong. Secondly,
I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect, in everything I did.
I became the nice guy, trying desperately to be perfect and to do

everything right. I became sooo afraid of other people not liking
me. I wanted affection and friendship, but because I was always
dishonest, it didn’t work. I was desperate for approval…and
ended up attracting people into my life who just abused that need
for their own gain.
I think I came to resent women for not liking me for me (which

makes sense because I wasn’t even being me), and hate myself
for not being perfect. A lot of confusion came about too – love
seemed absent in my family, but was present everywhere else.
For a time I just thought that’s what marriage was – 2 people
living together that didn’t seem to like each other. And sex was
deemed “wrong” by the family, so I have all this shame whenever I
felt attraction for a woman.
Actually – this article has helped me realize that my major block

with women is not shyness or social anxiety – it’s shame. My
shame is associated with having sexual feelings, so whenever I
have feelings for a woman, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
Approaching and trying to escalate then feels like I’m breaking
some kind of rule. I suppose this is why most of my hookups have
come from drinking.
I suppose that’s why my sex life was always with pornography
and masturbation, alone. That way I wasn’t breaking any rules of
society, but I could still fulfill my sexual need.
These days I’m a lot less focused on the approval of other people
(tho it’s still a really strong instinct) but I am still very afraid of
becoming sexual with women, with allowing my intentions to be
known.
I feel like there is a lot more floating around with this stuff. It’s kind
of difficult to make sense of.
Tim Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I think I covered my emotional hangups pretty solidly on my

thread in the forums: http://postmasculine.com/forum/Thread-
Confronting-and-realizing-my-emotional-needs-in-dating
Ron Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Sorry to be off topic, but do you have any Idea when the sexual
confidence program is coming out?
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Next week (hopefully).
antonio s.
2 MONTHS AGO
For most of my life, I’ve lived with my mom and my Reply
3 siblings, 2 brothers and 1 sister. My dad passed
away when I was about 5 years old. Being the middle child and
growing up, a lot of attention was given to my other siblings; not
that I Articles
was completely left out, but
Books oftentimes Forum
Courses it felt that way. My
Contact
mom rarely let me hang out with the few friends I had-I was raised
in a very sheltered environment where I would be reprimanded for
anything that did not fit the ideal model of “good behavior”.
During grade school, I’d often get picked on by my classmates to
the point where I would cry. I was beaten by a group of guys in
middle school twice. Most of the kids ripped on me because of
how naive and gullible I was as well as my own physical
appearance. I have been taken advantage of many different
times. Stuff like this would be commonplace. By the time I
reached high school, I would spend most of my alone time
saddened and frustrated with myself.
Most of my emotional baggage has come from these two
situations: 1) being overprotected by my family and 2) how I was
treated by anyone my same age. What I took from my upbringing
was that if I’m nice to people and avoided confrontation as much
as possible, I would “make friends”. Thus, I never really learned to
say no or express my negative thoughts in a sane manner–I
would say I fall in the “nice guy” category: never liked to argue,
always avoided fights, and did whatever I could to make others
comfortable, even at my own expense. All of this under the naive
mindset that good people look out for others and will be rewarded.
This, of course, had an impact on my currently non-existent dating
life. I am 22 years old; I’m a senior in college and I never had a
girlfriend, not even casually dated or had sex. I’ve made out with
girls three times, all of them at a club and under some influence of
alcohol. I’ve read many different articles on how to talk to women,
self-confidence, etc., but I never really gotten to try these steps on
them myself. When my friends and I are out trying to find some
girls to land home with, I always come up short. I barely make any
moves and just stand still, looking at the guys that actually end up
with the girl following him home. My crushes and interests usually
end up: rejecting me or dating or marrying someone else. When it
came to telling someone I like them, I always backed out and
played the whole “let’s be friends, and you will see how much of a
great boyfriend I will be”. Of course, it never went any further than
that–just friends. Because I never been in a relationship, I
question whether or not I am being honest with myself to the point
where I can be comfortable enough to express it to someone in
an intimate manner.
I don’t think I am not unattractive at all; I am 6 feet tall, slimmed
downArticles
compared toBooks
my grade school
Coursesdays, and I have barely
Forum any
Contact
or blemishes. Oh yeah, and I shaved bald, hehe. :p
I don’t have a car (I’m going to get my driver’s license this
summer, still practicing my driving) which is pretty much needed
in Miami if I want to get anywhere with someone, and I don’t live a
lucrative home or a bank account (I share my bedroom with my
14-year old brother, still living with the family). I hate asking
people for rides, but I stoop myself to ask anyway if I want to hang
out with someone unless it’s on campus.
One of my main goals is to break the cycle of social
awkwardness–something I’ve been working on for the past 4
years, yet it gets very frustrating, as I oftentimes I feel I am not
interesting enough to hang out with other people. I am the quiet
one of my group, and I feel most comfortable when I am alone or
with a small group of people who know me.
Zac Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I want to provide a better answer than just Catholic guilt but now
that I realize how much of an impact it has had on me I feel like I
need a few weeks to stop feeling guilty about how much it has
had an impact on me.
Zac Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Actually to go further: I’ve always been a big brother and

one of the oldest cousins of many. It’s always been put on
me that other people were my responsibility. I had to keep
people safe, make sure they were doing what was best,
ect.
I’ve had a girl that I knew loved me cheat on me. It still
makes me insecure to this day. I never would have at the
time guessed it would happen even though now that I’m
older and have had time to think about it I understand why
everythingBooks
Articles went the way it did. Still though,
Courses Forum that doesn’t
Contact
help me from becoming slighty insecure. I’ve only had a
few serious girlfriends (2) since but it has always been a
serious source of anxiety for me. I generally don’t let girls
know because I don’t want them to think I don’t trust them
(I do), I just know it’s an irrational fear I have from past
trauma. It sometimes causes me to become more closed
off and reserved with girls in general. I think I’m keeping it
casual but what I’m really doing is keeping myself from
becoming too invested because I don’t want to get hurt in
the long run.
My parents were very lovey dovey and touchy with me as

a child. I was their first after 6 years of thinking they would
not have a child. They were in the middle of signing
papers to be considered for adoption when they found out
my mother was pregnant with me. They gave me
attention accordingly… I think this causes me to have a
deep requirement for affection. Nothing makes me
happier than when I am receiving physical and emotional
affection. That might be normal for people actually but I
am not in other people’s heads.
I was I believe 4 weeks premature because my father got

hit by a car and nearly died when my mother was
pregnant and it put her into labor. I don’t know if it’s
entirely because of this but I spent the first 5 years of my
life very sick, in and out of the hospital, trying multiple
medications, having many procedures, finally ending in
serious stomach surgery that has a profound impact on
the way I live my life to this day.
When I was younger (and even now) due to a back

problem (that we only found out about when I was almost
an adult) I walked funny (on my toes). My brother and
sister learned to walk on their toes as well (from me,
humans are amazing) but were able to correct this
problem through physical therapy. When I could not
correct the problem after years of physical therapy I
received a lot of negativity from doctors, therapists, and
my parents. For years I was told doctors would have to
cut my muscles and perform painful surgeries if I didn’t try
harder to fix
Articles the problem.
Books I was told IForum
Courses was ruiningContact
myself
for the rest of my life. For a year or two my parents would
give me painful massages prescribed by the doctor to try
and loosen my tendons. I was ridiculed my entire life by
peers, even through college. I’ve learned not to care for
the most part but sometimes it still bothers me.
I was also very smart as a child. My parents pushed me

hard at home and taught me many things. I wasn’t
allowed to watch anything other kids watched and was
mostly only able to watch educational things. Because of
how I behaved (know it all) I was a social outcast. This
caused me to have hangups about “being smart” and
effected me all throughout my schooling.
My mother is an extremely sick woman (she has MS and

severe neck problems due to a few slipped disks). I could
probably write up a few thousand words about this but I
don’t really know what to say about it right now. All I know
is it has had a significant impact on my life. Currently, no
one in my family really looks after my mother. Besides my
sister I think I’m the only one that really even talks to her
for the past 6-12 months. Being away from her even
though I didn’t see her much (I don’t know why I avoided
her so much lately) has been quite a challenge. I’m sure
my relationship with my mother has an effect on my
relationships with women in general.
My parents constantly have told me that I am not a good

family member for not spending more time with them. I’m
26 years old and I (when I was home) went over my
parents house 1 time every week or two. Most of my
friends barely speak to their parents. My parents have
made me feel guilty multiple times about this. Not to bash
my parents. They are actually amazing parents. When
they tell me I’m not a good big brother because I’m not
trying “hard enough” with my siblings it’s quite frustrating.
I in two months have been to my family’s house more
than the 5 of them combined have been to my house in
probably 5 years. Still somehow I feel guilt when they tell
me I don’t do enough or am not around enough. I blame
the Catholic deep down in me.
That felt nice, there is probably more.
olivherbst Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Damn it, Mark. Awesome article, once again. It´s like some things
I was only barely aware of, just come to the surface while I´m
reading…
John Will Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
Ive been reading a lot of these types of articles, and some of the
PUA stuff as well. It all feels so spot on to me that I cant believe
its not “nail on the head”. At the moment I feel like I have these
bubbles around me, that are to some extent fake. And I feel like
its so obvious to other people at times (perhaps it isnt, the ol
paranoia!). And they burst pretty easily lol. Yet, lots of people
seem to like me, think Im funny etc, although this is nearly
exclusively men.
Problem is I need alcohol to keep up the facade, to be “Willers”,

instead of that inner me whos “just John”. I fee like its not about
learning to accept my “just John-ness” its about trying to improve
myself, which means getting out of the comfort zones and
avoidance strategies ive built up. At the moment seems unlikely
Im going to change, things are not really that bad, could be much
worse etc. Ive always been one for the easy option!
Not sure where this all comes from, I definitely had a comfortable
childhood although I was quite sensitive. Certainly learnt to try
and shut emotions down at some point, boys dont cry etc.
Definitely have issues with women (although people in general as
well – eg men who I perceive as being “real men” – initimidated)
and porn has probably re-inforced all that. Its on my mind a lot
that I’m missing out relationship-wise generally, and unless I do
something about myself nothings gonna change.
Thanks for the articles though, they genuinely mean a lot to me.
John
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
“I fee like its not about learning to accept my “just John-

ness” its about trying to improve myself, which means
getting out of the comfort zones and avoidance strategies
ive built up.”
It’s about both… being comfortable with who you are, but
the desire to improve as well.
John Will Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
I think I’ll try your videos. I think my main problem

is just not trying, and not really even knowing
where or how to start. Im guessing I should try to
be avoiding alcohol while doing these things?
Would there be ways I can incorporate
drinking/pubs into it.
Nicholas Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
It would seem this post has tapped something deep and

meaningful to a lot of us readers. It was observed once (at least)
that pickup attracts a lot of men with unresolved issues from
childhood. The response certainly bears that out.
My story; My parents were good together but they never should

have had kids. When I was about 15 an ex-babysitter said to me,
“Your parents always acted like raising you was someone else’s
job.” Probably would have survived that, but my dad got killed. My
Mom turned me into her little “husband” and poured her soul out
to me. I went from kid to little old man in about 6 months. Did I
mention that she decided not to claim the larger of the two life
isurance policies? (She had a fight with them and decided it was
“blood money.”) Because that meant we had little money and it
always felt like we were hanging on by our fingernails. Self
sabotage was a hallmark of Mom’s style.
Then my little brother got killed (her favorite and a good kid). She
turned to alcohol and there were several suicide attempts. She
did date, though. One guy, and he was OK, I wasn’t close to him
at all. She would unload her emotional shit on me and then go
over there to spend the night. She discouraged every girl I was
interested in but was mostly uninvolved in my life. If she didn’t
need something I could be gone for days and she wouldn’t have
known. Oedipal petri dish and I still haven’t figured it all out.
What she did right? I was a basket case until I discovered the two
A’s – athletics and aviation. And she supported the aviation part. I
was decent but not great at football/baseball/basketball, but when
I tried track to get faster for football, I found my sport and it paid
for undergrad school. When I turned 15 I started riding my bike to
the airport to spend my own money on flying lessons; solo’d on
my 16th bday and got my private on my 17th bday. Those two
things exposed me to healthy male leadership and that was huge
for me.
I was ocassionally aware of my own sense of inferiority but I

compensated to get by. In my mind (mostly subconscious) I was
secretly a “mud person” and if discovered I would be exiled from
decent society. That meant I felt that any success with “normal”
girls was my act (idealized false self) working, but I never believed
it would last. So I was drawn to broken or flawed (but cute) girls
who I thought I could “fix” and therefore they would love me for it.
Classic Nice guy meets cluster B girl (borderlines and narcissists).
The result was that I was cheated on repeatedly and blamed
myself for not being “better.” The girls clung to me because I was
good at listening to them and mirroring good feelings back to
them, but I stayed (avoidantly) emotionally distant. They would get
nervous if we wereBooks
Articles separated for long and sooth
Courses themselves
Forum by
Contact
leveraging their best asset – their looks and sexuality. I was the
common denominater but I hadn’t recognized the pattern. This still
effs me up but I got me some insight ad I am trying to emotionally
internalize it.
I have never found anything really useful on overcoming the

Oedipal disaster of my childhood. If anybody knows of any good
source, I would appreciate it. Or Mark could write a post on it
Nice job, btw, on this post.
Johnathan Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
My parents weren’t divorced but I was aware of affairs my mother

was having behind my dads back. My dad was extremely clingy,
and accepted my mother no matter how badly she acted towards
him usually. No one ever truly expressed anything near how they
felt in my household and this created a lot of torment and
loneliness for everyone. Also, blatant lying within the family and to
others was everyday phenomena. There was some kindness and
the family was pretty rich and things were materially comfortable
though to compensate for the drama somewhat.
In my relationships, as you might expect, I’ve attracted some
pretty core damaged ladies who deal with much confusion. Some
have had commitment issues and some are very clingy. I currently
am striving for honesty and clarity, but feel it difficult to hold to my
ideals, as most girls I end up with begin to convolute my ideals
after awhile, or I unconsciously let this occur.
I’m not sure if it’s healthy to keep dating chicks if I’m going to be
attempting to resolve old issues subconsciously all the time, or if
dating intelligently would help me to resolve issues. I still have
many financial, and directional issues in my life and want to date
beautiful girls, but wonder if taking a break altogether and
reassessing my ideals might be a better option if I can handle the
time alone constructively.
Any advice Mark?

Jones Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I haven’t even read past the intro yet, but I have to say this comes
at the right time for me. I spent a good while reading this site,
getting really excited about making some moves, really improving
myself and getting out there a lot more than I had been. Now I’m
resigned and depressed again. The sense of futility is great, and I
just want to lick my wounds for a little while.
Here goes…
When I was a kid my house was a house of war. My mom and

dad fought constantly and violently, rarely, if ever, showing any
signs of loving each other. I don’t even remember them sleeping
in the same bed. My mom blames my dad for all her woes in life,
and she hates her life. Indeed, my dad is terrible at showing
affection, and any time he does so it has been in a kind of
condescending, diminishing fashion. I think I’ve never seen my
mom reciprocate a show of affection from my dad. In fact I don’t
think I’ve ever seen her show any kind of affection for him at all. In
the best of times, they simply cooperate. Basically, she simply
submits to him for a while, or more rarely, he does to her.
My dad is a classic patriarch. (We are immigrants from a Muslim

country.) He was an accomplished athlete as a child, and I
recently found out that when he was young my uncle squashed
his athletic dreams as frivolous. He is domineering, has a very hot
temper, and is constantly finding fault with everyone and
everything at home. He is also passive aggressive, though I feel
this has come out more with age, perhaps as our relationships
with him have begun to equalize. It is very difficult to get any kind
of praise or approval out of him. To top it all off he is now in his
late 50s, without a college degree, and losing his job due to a
factory closing.
My mother has serious psychological and medical problems. She
is loving, but deeply unhappy. She goes between resignation and
violent lashing out at my dad. She is very anxious and fearful,
even about many things that are regular parts of daily life. She is
afraidArticles
of driving, tunnels,
Books subways, bridges, planes…
Courses Forum I remember
Contact
when she had a panic attack in a car wash. She believes she has
had a miserable life, and in an objective accounting one would
have to say she is right. There’s nothing I wish more than that I
had the power to change that. To top it all of she is currently in
chemotherapy.
The problems in their lives weigh heavily on me, as the eldest

son. The sense of division and strife in the house is something I
feel guilty for failing to overcome. I also feel a heavy burden of
guilt that their lives are so unhappy overall. I have constantly been
trying to run away from the sense of frivolity that comes with any
fun or pleasure, because it makes me feel guilty to live so
differently from my parents.
My first relationship was deeply loving and by all means

successful. After 5 years we planned to get married after
graduating. I had kept the relationship secret from my parents for
that whole duration, because they are conservative Muslims and I
didn’t want to hurt them (see above). She left me after I failed for
3 months to tell them. I only got the courage to tell them about it
after (really, just as) she left me. That was just under 6 years ago.
For a month or two, April and May, I was trying hard to get back
into girls. At one point toward the end of that period, my sister
simply texted me a picture of my mother. I burst into tears and
can’t remember how long until I stopped crying. But it was so
exhausting I laid in bed for much of the rest of the day.
I live for the people I love. I love my parents more than anything.
At this point in my life, I live for them. I want nothing more than the
power to make their lives better.
Jones
2 MONTHS AGO
I should add that my parents have never Reply
mentioned or discussed anything sexual with me
in my life. At the point when we started talking about marriage, it
was very awkward even for me. And we’re talking about just
marriage. But admitting
Articles Booksto my long-term
Courses relationship
Forum wasContact
a big
step forward, albeit painful. Still, in my community even casual
interaction with the opposite sex is frowned upon, let alone
touching or anything more. This goes not just for the old-school
immigrant community I grew up in, but even the campus
communities of young, highly educated people I am among now.
Almost everything Westerners do is immoral, from our

perspective. The social life, the way people dress. Sex pervades
all of Western culture. Moreover, all Western social life revolves
around drinking. Thus it’s a given for someone like me that if
you’re going to participate in all of this, it’s all immoral from the
get-go. Someone – indeed, everyone you grew up with – thinks
you’re going to hell. Try as you might, it’s hard to get that
completely out of your head, especially if you think they have a
point. Aside from the larger problem of having to live two mutually
incompatible social lives where you’re never fully confident you’re
acting right, you can imagine that sexual escalation is not easy for
me.
jack Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
My family life definitely left its mark. I always used to think that
there was nothing wrong with my family (many people think that
way), but my parent’s relationship is dysfunctional. My mother is
very dominant and needy, and my father sullen, passive and
frustrated. As a young boy I probably played a role in taking care
of my mother’s neediness in some way, while at unexpected times
she didn’t return support to me. Meanwhile, my father only
criticized me out of some sort of self-hate.
Now, in my 20s, I realize that I am very sensitive to arguments

and fears of abandonment, and only feel safe being intimate with
women that seem very caring (but they are often caring because
they want to be cared for a lot. They have the same level of
insecurity as I had). But as my self-esteem rises, I start to feel at
ease with more confident and extrovert girls.

John Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Hi, new to a lot of these sites, but have to say I’m learning a lot
from them. At least on the theory side of things.
Not sure if this is completely on topic but would be interested to

hear peoples thoughts on my experience.
At the age of 21, had what you might call a combination of clinical
depression and social phobia. My interactions with people
generally at this point were quite awkward, with men and women,
although much worse with women.
Was prescribed anti-depressants which were primarily to treat the

social phobia. I have to say the results were quite amazing to me,
I suddenly became more relaxed around people, kept eye contact
far more easily, and felt I could hold conversations with people
rather than speaking the odd few words then shutting down. I
continued to go out on fridays and Saturdays with friends but
found I could approach women and my interactions resulted in
getting many phone numbers and further meetings, with some
short to medium term relationships occurring.
Basically I became, what to me felt like, super confident. I felt I

could randomly approach women who I didn’t know, put them at
ease straight away and then just say whatever but so confidently
that it seemed to make me much more attractive.
My question is to do with brain chemistry, had these drugs now

convinced my brain that I was actually a social dominant person,
and that women were now sensing that in me? This required no
personal development in me whatsoever, virtually overnight
change. Was I really ill? Or was this just the fact my
experiences/makeup had not taught me to be a socially dominant
person?
Ive noticed in a few other articles, talk about socially inept men,
extremely shy men, men who will stare at a woman not say much
and just creep her out. This felt like me then, and feels like me
now. Im guessing this is sort of like gamma behaviour and
automatically
Articles triggers a womanCourses
Books to regard meForum
as “to be avoided”.
Contact
What I don’t understand is how simply changing my brain
chemistry changes my social status so easily? How can I
suddenly become so confident and press the right buttons?
It does make me feel, that in so many men, the “alphaish”

behaviours are down there somewhere but their hidden perhaps
due to just not “winning” in life, not succeeding in life enough. And
thats its only those “wins” that breed the confidence and
assertiveness that women largely enjoy. The chemical changes in
my brain just overcame the need to get those “wins”. It appeared
like I already had them.
The amount of times I heard “your not usually the kind of guy I
date” always hit home with me. I felt like women, at least
subconsciously, saw me (Im fair haired and havent got overly
masculine, square-jawed features -Im guessing this is a buffer!)
and thought he is not going to press my buttons. When I
approached their initial perceptions were proved wrong, I could
press those buttons.
I feel like this is what Game teaches men to do, to learn how to
press those buttons to make the “hamster”/subconscious in
women see a man with higher social status. When I took what I
called the “magic beans” it fast tracked me to a position of social
confidence, particularly the type that seems to do well with
women.
Anyway, would love to hear any thoughts on this.
YOHAMI Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
Why? because of status. Men are trained to put women on a

pedestal. So it doesnt matter if the guy went to war and returned
and built an empire: when he talks to a woman, he still feels he’s
talking to his superior.
And, men are trained to be ashamed of their sexual desires. So

talking / taking initiative with women is a troubling situation:
expressing interest while hiding what you really want, being
aroused while hiding your cock.
So there you go. Approach anxiety = inferiority complex + shame.
It’s interesting that in comparison, women are trained that they

should be put on a pedestal, and to take care of their “apparent”
sexual desire, to look more slutty or more chaste, instead of being
shamed on base of their desires.
Why do you think that is?
Mark Manson Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
I think your observations are accurate but I’d clarify just

that these are cultural influences rather than absolutes.
As for why? My experiences around the world have

shown me that northern European English speaking
cultures have some major sexual and emotional
repression built into their societies and these are
symptoms rather than causes.
möbius dick Reply

2 MONTHS AGO
“Mentally train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force
yourself to do it anyway. ”
Honestly, this is just about my only hangup left. Not just about
dating, but about any endeavor. Anxiety and depression go hand
in hand in my life.
I guess my issue is that I always wish for teaching, not training.
Training is a thing of the body and the instinct – it intrinsically
does not care about the psyche. Mine has to be beaten down to
the point where I am a wreck, negating the point of the training.
So most of the training I do is only semi-conscious, in situations
where I can focus on strengths while practicing weaknesses. If a
skill demands sustained focus on weaknesses, I don’t develop it.
The ideal, again, would be teaching. Teaching can be wise and
responsive in a way training can’t be – it can help you get past
yourself in intelligent ways and save you a lot of private misery.
I also don’t respond well to traditional man-up sentiment. If

someone tells me to nut up, I get not only depressed, but angry,
and there is no legitimate outlet. I experience a kind of projectile
vomiting of the soul.
The crazy paradox is that when under training and not teaching, I
feel pressure to break myself down to worthless. I intrinsically
know I am not worthless.
Isaac Reply
2 MONTHS AGO
I was the first of 3 born by both my parents. I am quite sure that

my early childhood was relatively isolated and lonely: my parents
moved accross the country from both of their families before I was
born, so when I was born, it was just me, my mother, and my
father.
My father is a medical doctor, and is more dominant than the

average man. However, he is not at the very top, and is quite
narcissistic and emotionally closed off. He is a very fun person to
be around, and often the life of the party, but growing up I
received very little love from my father, especially early on. I
suspect that in the first few months of my life he resented me for
essentially raining in on his parade (he only married my mother a
moth before I was born).
He eventually came to love me, but to this day I don’t think we

have ever said “I love you” to each other (although he often ends
his emails with “love, dad” and I reciprocate). However, I think that
lack of love, especially in the first few months of my life, had a
profound effect on shaping my personality.
Because my dad was a doctor and so “smart”, I grew to believe

that being smart was the key to gaining my father’s approval (and
by extension the approval of anyone with whom I seek out an
emotional connection). And, in fact, the summer after I graduated
from college, summa cum laude in math and physics, I did in fact
land a pretty hot girlfriend. I was extremly proud of myself (for
graduating summa cum laude) and it was the happiest time of my
life. However, when starting graduate school I was again at the
bottom of the ladder, and depression, a rough breakup, and
difficulties passing the qualifying exam for my PhD in physics
finally shattered my illusion that being smart was the way to get
love.
It was at that point that I began the path of self-improvment, which

was about 5 years ago now. The main issue that I struggle with is
essentially the same dynamic that occurred in my childhood: I
received love from my mother, but not from my father, and I felt
like the love from my mother was essentially worthless compared
to the love from my father, which I never really got. So I became a
perfectionist, especially when it came to intellectual and social
pursuits. To this day I get quite upset with myself when I don’t
perform things perfectly, especially in social or pickup situations. I
have had quite a bit of success with women, but it is always with
the women that I don’t really want. Essentially, these women that I
want less but that want me are like my mother, giving me love that
really doesn’t satiate me, whereas the fatherly love that I truly
want (which is now represented by love/sex with the truly hot
women) always seems to elude me, and I am terrified of even
trying to seek it out.
I have been aware of this dynamic for a couple years now, and
certainly I have made much progress towards healing these
emotional wounds, but they are still there, after 3 psychologists
within 4 years, constantly reading self-help and seduction
literature for the past 5 years, and so on.
This cycle of loneliness, anxiety, and beating myself up for being

anxious and not being able to fulfilll my emotional and sexual
needs through others, is the biggest challenge of my life so far.
My childhood was not all bad, however. My father took an

extremely laissez-faire approach to raising me. I essentially did
whatever I wanted,Books
Articles with essentially no interference
Courses Forum from my
Contact
father. My mother would often times try to punish me, but would
often cave in on her decided punishment. We were also quite rich,
and I became spoiled, getting essentially whatever I wanted
(except the one thing that I truly wanted, which was my father’s
approval).
The good thing about this was that I became very adept at
seeking out and finding the right way to do things on my own. I
developed the belief that literally anything is possible. The
downside of this was that, in order to find the right way, it took a
pretty big toll on me. For example, I now eat probably a healthier
diet and live a healthier lifestyle than 99% of people alive today,
and I understand in great detail nutrition, psychology, and the
process of aging itself. However, as a child I ate a very poor diet,
and at the age of 15 became diagnosed with type I diabetes. I
also have atrophy of the testicles and my optic nerves. While
there is certainly a genetic component to these things, I am
convinced that my poor lifestyle habits in early age, especially of
diet and of poor thinking habits, contributed significantly to the
manifestation of these diseases.
However, I am also confident that these things can be cured one

way or another. But I digress….
So ya, that’s my story.
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Articles Books Courses Forum Contact

Why Modern Dating

For instance, we have been walking

a person’s phone number you’d think they were being

Why? It sounds simple, but why is it so hard?

What is it about this oneArticles

Our Emotional Maps

Don’t believe me? ThinkArticles Books no-shows

Why? Because being flaked on rubs up against your unconscious fear of

The list goes on and on.

Here are common ways we disassociate dating from their emotions:

Objectification of sex and members of the opposite sex. Objectifying someone

Confronting Your Issues

1) The biggest misconception when it comes to working through an excess of

2) Anxieties can be overcome through utilizing implementation intentions and

An Invitation for Change

As an example, I grew up in a broken family where all members isolated themselves

My fear of commitment is undoubtedly rooted in my parents’ divorce and my knee

What are yours?

ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH WOMEN?

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty has been referred to as

166 Comments LEAVE A COMMENT

I had a perfect childhood. Could not have asked for better

“In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out members of the

As soon as I read that line, I had to stop reading – it hit so close to

I grew up with a very nurturing, loving mother, and an alcoholic,

Thanks for writing this article, because you helped me truly

Mark Manson Reply

That’s the thing about expanding your awareness of your

Use this new knowledge to inform your future decisions

“Misogyny. Viewing women as inferior or as highly different

So many men need to hear this. Most probably wouldn’t listen

Similar to you Mark, I grew up in a house where no one talked to

As a girl with a similar background (just swap critical birth

Mark Manson Reply

Check out “Getting the Love You Want” by Dr. Harville

Also, the research of John Gottman is relevant.

Another related and quite excellent source that might be

My family isolation plays a role, with a very individualistic

What else? A big need of female attention and nurturing. An

Is this the writer’s opinion? It reads like a college textbook only

There is a Freudian basis with this stuff, but it wasn’t

if it’s not too much trouble, could you please

T. AKA Ricky Raw Reply

Why has the term Freud become such a pejorative? He

I don’t understand, you say we try to subconsciously look for

Mark Manson Reply

Seek out people similar to our parents. It’s so that you

Sorry, I still have to ask for some clarification:

Articles Books Courses Forum Contact

You ALREADY seek out partners similar to

Ever meet a woman who you THINK is

So should I stick at it with the guy/gal

Me: I have been hiding away in

Articles Books Courses Forum Contact

I had a relatively normal childhood without any divorced or

So I feel that I’ve always grew up supplicating to my mom, who

Since stumbling on pickup almost a year ago, things haven’t really

I’ll be honest. This is one of my favorite blogs so far (and I know

My immediate goals are really being a more honest and

A lot that could be said here, but I just wanted to mention

Just wanted you to know that I support you