Elizabeth Moreno

Mrs. Schenck

ERWC Online

20 January 2023

Scholarship Essay

Rubric

After completing your Scholarship Essay Assignment, highlight in yellow the words that

describe your Scholarship assignment on the rubric below.

6 5 4 3 2 1
W 11-12.4 A little Reflection is thoughtful and The student reflects on The student Attempt No
Produce clear and more reveals the author has his/her essay and how reflect on the to reflect evidence
coherent writing successful reflected on specific aspects he/she revised. The changes he/she
in which the than a 5 of the essay and how to student shares some of made but the
development, revise. The writer seems the specific techniques reflection might
organization, and genuinely engaged in the and changes he/she made be more
style are process of reflecting and but could go into more surface-level or
appropriate to revising by writing about detail. to just “get it
task, purpose, and the changes she/he has over with”
audience. made.

W 11-12.5 A little Develop and strengthen Develop and strengthen Develop writing Attempt No
Develop and more writing multiple times as writing as needed by by revision or to revise evidence
strengthen writing successful needed by planning, planning, revising, planning.
as needed by than a 5 revising, editing, rewriting, editing, rewriting, or
planning, or trying a trying a new approach,
revising, editing, new approach, focusing on focusing on addressing
rewriting, or addressing what is most what is most significant
trying a new significant for a for a specific purpose and
approach, specific purpose and audience.
focusing on audience.
addressing what
is most
significant for a
specific purpose
and audience.

Original Essay

Write the essay’s prompt (recreate to the best of your ability) here:
In his letter, Felons and Rattlesnakes, Benjamin Franklin asserts that the criminals and convicts

sent by Great Britain to the colonies are detrimental to the colonies, not improving them. To

assert his argument, Franklin uses sarcasm, allusions, hyperboles, comparison, and juxtaposition.

To the best of your knowledge, what scores did you earn on this essay? If you can’t

remember the scores, what were some of the things you struggled with in this essay? What

needs to be improved?

Based on my knowledge I received a 3 on this essay, maybe a 4, I don’t quite remember.

Throughout the essay I struggled with the commentary, which made my essay weaker. To

improve my essay, I would reread the letter from the prompt to regain my knowledge. Using that

knowledge, I would create better commentary to support my evidence more effectively. (The

essay is from AP Lang; sophomore year)

[Put your original, unrevised essay here. It can be copied/pasted in or pictures (PDF) of

your handwritten work]

Great Britain, referred to as the Mother Country, continues to send the colonies convicts

and felons in an attempt to improve and people the colonies. Great Britain expects the colonies to

be grateful for these felons, yet sarcastically, Franklin writes about this being something to show

a “grateful Disposition” for (Franklin). We understand that this is written in a sarcastic tone,

since earlier in his letter Franklin wrote about the laws rejected by Great Britain to prevent

convicts from being sent to the colonies. These convicts are not bettering the colonies in any

way, if they were they would not care to ask for “The Mother Country” to create laws to prevent

criminals from being transported to the colonies. Later in his letter, Franklin alludes to the Bible
after comparing the convicts to the evil from the beginning of times, snakes. When you see a

snake you are to “bruise his Head” so they are not to poison you with their evils as they did

Adam and Eve in the Bible (Franklin). Franklin understands that this may seem quite cruel, yet

snakes cannot change their natures by changing their environment. Meaning that even if they

were transported to the colonies this does not mean that the convicts will change their ways,

becoming well-intentioned citizens. These people would continue to commit crimes, just in the

colonies and not Great Britain.

Franklin later advises transportation instead of death for the convicts sent to the colonies.

Franklin suggests that in the spring of each year, the convicts should be transported to Britain.

These convicts should be placed in in high quality environments, such as “ St. James’s Park,” the

“Spring-Gardens,” and especially the “Gardens of the Prime Ministers” (Franklin). This is an

obvious hyperbole, due to the fact that if convicts would be transported, but if they were

transported to Great Britain they would not be sent to the highest quality places where the Prime

Minister and members of Parliament stay. Franklin wants Britain to understand how the colonies

feel, that all of the felons are being sent to them. Somewhat in an attempt to get them to create

that law, regarding convicts being sent to the colonies, rejected by Great Britain originally. To

further prove his point, Franklin uses pure sarcasm when describing how the convicts are

transforming the colonies, by repeating, mocking a phrase told to them by Great Britain. Franklin

mocks them sarcastically by stating that the convicts being sent to the colonies is for the

“Improvement” and the “PEOPLING of the Colonies” (Franklin). The felons have not changed

their ways, continuing to commit crimes on their sons, daughters, and wives, yet the “Mother

Country” does not care, they still believe that they are bettering the colonies. Franklin's sarcasm
is used to mock and prove how wrong Great Britain was about the criminals changing their ways

with a change of environment.

In the final part of his letter, Franklin continues to compare the convicts and felons to

snakes. Snakes who “learn to creep,” to “slaver,” to “wriggle into Place” (Franklin). These

convicts are not good people, they may pretend to seem it, yet they will continue to be just as bad

no matter the environment they are sent to. Britain may believe that they could change their

behavior by changing their environment, but what is fact without evidence as Franklin would

say. Franklin has first-hand seen how detrimental these felons are to the colonies, which is why

he remains persistent in asking for the creation of the law to prevent convicts from being

transported to the colonies. Though Franklin previously compared the convicts to snakes, he later

juxtaposes the two. Franklin describes how true rattle-snakes give warnings before their attempt

at their “mischief,” the convict “does not” (Franklin). Though the convicts are quite similar to

snakes, they commit mischief in separate ways, two forms of evil. One giving a warning, and the

other does not. This aids in Franklin’s assertion, illustrating how harmful these convicts can be.

They are so harmful, since you never know when they are going to strike with their evil. Them

being so potentially harmful is much more detrimental to the colonies than it is improving it,

since at any time these criminals could strike and harm the colonies and their people.

In his letter, Benjamin Franklin asserts that the criminals and convicts sent by Great

Britain to the colonies are detrimental to the colonies, not improving them. To assert his

argument, Franklin uses sarcasm, allusions, hyperboles, comparison, and juxtaposition.

Franklin’s assertion is an attempt to get Great Britain to halt their transportation of convicts to

the colonies, even if it populates them.

 Revised Essay

Type your revised essay in this section. Make sure to highlight in yellow the changes you made

from the original. These should be significant, meaningful changes, not just changes to grammar.

In the letter, Felons and Rattlesnakes, author Benjamin Franklin asserts that the convicts

Great Britian has sent to the colonies are detrimental to the territories, rather than improving

them. Franklin is acting in an attempt to halt this transportation of convicts, regardless of how

they are populating the colonies. Through the guise of sarcasm, allusion, hyperbole, comparison,

and juxtaposition, Franklin is able to asseverate this claim to the intended audience.

In the early sections of the letter, it is stated that Great Britain, continuously referred to as

the Mother Country, continued to send convicts and felons to the colonies in an attempt to

improve and populate them. Franklin writes about the laws rejected by Great Britain to prevent

convicts from being sent to the colonies. Despite these actions of the colonists, Great Britain

expected them to be effervescently thankful for the felons. Franklin opposes there beliefs in a

sarcastic regard, stating that the colonies should show a “grateful Disposition” for the convicts

(Franklin 2). If these felons were to be improving the state of the colonies, the colonists would

not be expressing their oppositions. Franklin uses sarcasm to showcase how dull-witted Great

Britain continues to be. This letter is a display of why the assertion of the colonists should be

taken seriously. Subsequently, Franklin alludes to the Bible after comparing the convicts to the

“evil” from the beginning of times, snakes. Franklin writes that when you see a snake you are to

“bruise his Head” so they are not to poison you with their evils as was done to Adam and Eve in

the Bible (Franklin 3). Franklin understands that this may seem quite cruel, yet snakes cannot

change their nature by changing their environment. Meaning that simply because the felons are

transported to the colonies, it is not certain that they will change their ways, becoming
well-intentioned citizens. These individuals would continue to commit crimes, just in a new

location.

Franklin later advises an alternative for death to the convicts sent to the colonies–

transportation. His suggestion is that the convicts should be transported back to Britain in the

spring of each year. Franklin further writes that these convicts should be placed in in high quality

environments, such as “ St. James’s Park,” the “Spring-Gardens,” and especially the “Gardens of

the Prime Ministers” (Franklin 4). This is an obvious hyperbole. If the convicts were transported

to Great Britain they would not be sent to the highest quality places where the Prime Minister

and members of Parliament stay. This hyperbole is meant to showcase how the colonists feel in

their situation. If the felons were sent to high quality areas in their country, would Great Britain

feel the same way? Would they continue to reject the arguments of their people? To further prove

his point, Franklin uses pure sarcasm when describing how the convicts are transforming the

colonies, mocking a phrase told to them by Great Britain. Franklin states that the convicts being

sent to the colonies is for the “Improvement” and the “PEOPLING of the Colonies” (Franklin 5).

The felons have shown they lack improvement as the continue to commit crimes on their sons,

daughters, and wives, yet the Mother Country does not care. They almost brainwash themselves

into believing that they are bettering the colonies through their actions. Franklin repeatedly

proves that their claims are inaccurate and they need to find a solution to the problem they

inherently created. His sarcasm is just one example of how Great Britains claims can be easily

turned against them.

In the final section of his letter, Franklin returns back to his analogy of snakes. These

felons are snakes who “learn to creep,” to “slaver,” to “wriggle into Place” (Franklin 6). To Great

Britain, sending these convicts to the colonies may seem like an excellent idea. Britain thinks
that the convicts can change their morals entirely and they may even pretend to seem altered by

the move to the colonies. Yet, Franklin’s letter it is evident that the Mother Country is quite

incorrect. Franklin has first-hand seen how detrimental these felons are to the colonies, which is

why he remains persistent in asking for the creation of the law to prevent convicts from being

transported to the colonies. To end his letter, Franklin goes against his previous comparison of

the convicts to snakes through juxtaposition. He describes how true rattle-snakes give warnings

before their attempt at their “mischief,” the convict “does not” (Franklin 7). Rather than working

against him, Franklin’s own contradiction works in favor of him. The juxtaposition is showcases

how the snakes and felons differ creates more harm for the people than you would expect.

Though the convicts are quite similar to snakes, they commit mischief in separate ways, two

forms of evil. One giving a warning, and the other does not. The felons’ evil is much more

harmful, since you never know when they are going to strike. Their predisposition to crime has

been seen to be detrimental to the colonies rather than improve them, since at any time these

criminals have and will continue to strike and harm the colonies and their people.

Reflection

1st Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining specifically what you revised in your essay and

why. Go into thoughtful details! How did these choices improve your essay? What skills do you

now have that you were able to use to help enhance your essay?

In the essay I found that the commentary is what was making it weak, rather than the evidence

itself. By altering much of the commentary and changing the structure and grammar of my

sentences I believe I was able to strengthen the essay as a whole. By forming the conclusion into
the introduction, it provided a clearer explanation about what was to be spoken about in the

essay. Before the change, the essay seemed rushed. Even though it was rushed, you don’t want it

to seem rushed. The changes in commentary give a better understanding of my writing skills and

understanding of the text. I changed how the literary devices showcased Franklin’s argument,

allowing the audience to better understand his claim. In AP Literature, my junior year, I was able

to gain develop my commentary skills and understanding of literature, fiction and nonfiction.

These skills allowed my to develop my essay more efficiently.

2nd Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining how you’ve improved as a writer since your

freshman year: What did you struggle with before? What are you proud that you can do now?

Since freshman year I have improved my writing skills tremendously. I had my freshman year at

a different school, so when I moved I had a hard time learning how to be taught in a different

regard. Freshman year I struggled with finding evidence for my essays, mostly putting down

quotes randomly, rather than using the quotes to help my develop my essay. I left the

development solely to my commentary, which as we can see, was not the best. It improved

slowly over sophomore year, but since it was online it was hard to learn how to improve. Both

junior and senior year are where most of my development as a writer came from. Now, I am able

to find quotes and literary devices that work hand in hand with the prompt. I am also able to

properly communicate my understanding of the text. I have become very proud of my writing.

Though, there is always room for improvement. I will most likely look back on my essays now

and see that I have improved again.