THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH MAY 2020 £4.

00

n into
those Zzzs Let kindness
ze lead the way
SLEEP
e
m

Changing
SPECIAL
so

habits never
Put

felt so good
• Drift off in seconds •
• Insight into your dreams •

Davina
• Put insomnia •
to bed

McCall
The fitness guru
on embracing her
inner child & living
life to the fullest
Invisible
illness
There’s so much
more than just
what you see

The time
is now
Unearth the healing
power of nature
Self-care quiz

Break free
Make meditating easy

from the cycle 05

HAPPIFUL.COM

Uncovering the root of panic

attacks & how to treat them
9 772514 373000
 Here
for you
In unprecedented times, there's no
guidebook to tell us how we should be
feeling, and what we should think. The
uncertainty and new territory we're in,
can feel overwhelming at times.
But know that however you're feeling
is valid.
If you're struggling, worried about
your health, or finances, and scared of
the unknown in this situation, that's
perfectly understandable.
If you're relishing some time to
yourself, and having a moment to
pause and breathe in daily life, that's
amazing.
The important thing is to be aware of
the fact not everyone will react in the
same way to such an extreme situation
– and how we're feeling can vary from
day to day.
That's why it's so important to check in
with each other, be aware if someone
needs support, or a distraction, and to
be sensitive with our words.
While this issue is a little different
– and the first our team has put
together remotely – we hope you'll
find a wealth of information and
insight to support you through this
time: from a guide to meditation, to
advice on panic attacks, and tips for a
soothing night's sleep.
As Deepak Chopra said: "In the
midst of movement and chaos, keep
stillness inside of you."
We can't control everything around
us, but we can find ways to treat
ourselves with compassion.
We're all in this W | happiful.com
together.
F | happifulhq
T | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR I | @happiful_magazine
Sleep Special

16 Sweet dreams
We look at three common sleep scenarios,
and get professional advice on how to put
insomnia to bed

20 Drift off in minutes

Science-backed secrets to send you
to sleep

40 You are feeling sleepy...

Can hypnotherapy solve your
slumber struggles?

48 When push comes to shove

Make sleeping with a partner work for you

60 Pillow talk
A first-hand experience with sleeplessness

68 The stuff of dreams

What can dreams tell us about our MH? The Upli!

Features 8 In the news

28 The fourth trimester 13 The wellbeing wrap

The postnatal period is full of challenges,
and it's time we kicked some expectations 14 What is skin positivity?
Get on-board with the movement that's
44 Davina McCall teaching us to love the skin we're in
The broadcaster on nurturing her
inner-child, and living life to its fullest 90 Quickfire: MH Matters
51 One of a kind
Learn how to change your habits by
allowing kindness to lead the way
Lifestyle and
Relationships
79 Know your triggers
Discover what's behind your panic attacks, 22 Career ruts uncut
and how to control them Grace Victory explores feeling lost at work

Life Stories 31 High-functioning anxiety

What is it and how can we spot it?

37 Kule T: On the road again 57 Dan Cross

Depression, marriage breakdown,
bereavement, and illness all lay heavy
on Kule T's shoulders. In this dark time,
he found solace in his love of music
87 Hayley: Crisis to coaching
Through a challenging time, Hayley
felt isolated and alone. But a fresh start
brought new opportunities, and now
she helps others on their own journeys
The SAS: Who Dares Wins star on creating
space for men to come together to grieve
62 Kindness in hard times
Eight ways to help yourself and others
72 Look again
Invisible illnesses and why we need to
reassess what we think 'healthy' looks like

Happiful Hacks
42 Make meditation easy
70 Let go of grudges
76 Stop dreading the week ahead
Wellness
27 Press play
Create your ultimate feel-good playlist
34 The self-care quiz
Take our quiz and discover which self-
care activity you should try
54 Indulge your senses
We try a new massage treatment
with a scented twist
65 10 energy-boosting foods
Our team
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor
Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer
Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
Grace Victory | Columnist
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator
Emma Boast | Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus
PR Officer
alice.greedus@happiful.com
CONTRIBUTORS
Emma Shearer, Jenna Farmer, Claire Munnings,
Shahroo Izadi, Gemma Calvert, Sassy Smith,
Fiona Thomas, Maxine Ali, Kule T, Hayley Austin
SPECIAL THANKS
Vikki Powell, Peter Klein, Lesley Shearer,
Sonal Shah, John McKenzie, Carolyne Bennett,
Katerina Georgiou, Will Leifer, Rachel Coffey,
Dr Elena Touroni, Sanjivan Parhar
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
SUBSCRIPTIONS
For new orders and back orders, visit
shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on
+44 (0)1227 277 248 or email
subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk
CONTACT
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3,
Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
Culture Email us at hello@happiful.com
HAPPIFUL FAMILY
24 Things to do in May Helping you find the help you need.
Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory,
82 Turn over a new page Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource,
Don't miss this month's latest book releases Therapy Directory
83 Willow Crossley
The author and floral stylist highlights the
healing power of nature
 Expert Panel
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver
One undeniable truth is that
information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
finding the right help for each
individual is a journey – what
works for one of us will be
different for someone else. But LESLEY SHEARER PETER KLEIN
don't feel disheartened if you BSc PG Dip BSc PGDip CBT MA BABCP
haven't found your path yet.
Our Happiful family can help Lesley is a psychotherapist Peter is a cognitive
with a special interest in behavioural
you on your way. Bringing anxiety. psychotherapist.
together various arms of
support, each of our sister
sites focuses on a different
method of nourishing your
JOHN MCKENZIE SONAL SHAH
wellbeing – from counselling, BSc (hons)
NHC
to hypnotherapy, nutrition,
coaching, and therapy. John is an award-winning Sonal is a nutritional
hypnotherapist specialising therapist, health tutor, and
in sleep problems. director of Synergy Nutrition.

Rav's review CAROLYNE BENNETT KATERINA GEORGIOU

Dip MAC NLP EFT RMT BA MA PGDip Reg MBACP
Getting enough sleep is
key in order to help us Carolyne is a Katerina is a counsellor
meditation and who supports couples
maintain our wellbeing. mindfulness coach. and individuals.
This month, we focus on
just how important sleep
is, and in addition, how
you can achieve a better SHAHROO IZADI WILL LEIFER
BSc MSc MBPsS ACT MA Adip PGDip
night’s sleep. Head over
to page 16 for some real Sharoo is a behaviour change Will is an integrative
specialist with her own private therapist working in the
life scenarios and great practice. charity sector.
tips that we can apply
to our daily lives that
will help improve our
sleep quality. A better DR ELENA TOURONI SANJIVAN PARHAR
BSc DBT CBT CAT BSc
sleep leads to improved
wellbeing, which in turn, Elena is a consultant Sanjivan is a psychotherapist
psychologist trained in several completing his doctorate in
enables each of us to therapeutic approaches. psychology.
take on the day with a
more positive mindset.
RAV SEKHON RACHEL COFFEY DR VIKKI POWELL
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
BA MA NLP Mstr CPsychol AFBPsS
Rav is a counsellor
and psychotherapist Rachel is a life coach Vikki is a chartered
with more than 10 encouraging confidence psychologist with a special
years' experience. and motivation. interest in sleep.
Find help Reader offer
Print
CRISIS SUPPORT Head to
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your happiful.
own safety, call 999 or go to A&E for more com
se
and supprvices
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email ort
them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

ENTER CODE:
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: HAPPISLEEP
AT THE CHECKOUT
0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank
£57
£40
holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk For 12 print issues!

Switchboard Pay for 10 months, get 2 free

Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm:
Happiful magazine delivered
0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
straight to your door
UK post and packaging included
FIND A COUNSELLOR NEAR YOU Competitions and prize draws!
Search for and connect with professionals, including more than
p16 12,000 counsellors who offer online and phone counselling. Head to
counselling-directory.org.uk to find out more.
Visit happiful.com
ADVICE AND COMMUNITY FOR PARENTS
To find support for new parents going through perinatal
p28 struggles, head to pandasfoundation.org.uk or call their free
In light of the Covid-19
helpline on 0808 1961 776
social-distancing guidelines,
our May issue has been
brought together from the
LEARN ABOUT ANXIETY
p31 Discover more about anxiety and associated disorders, and Happiful team’s home-office
connect with help at anxietyuk.org.uk set-ups. Overcoming the
distraction of cute Happiful
SUPPORT FOR BEREAVEMENT pets, the temptation of WFS
p57 If you have been bereaved and need support, head to (work from sofa), and the
cruse.org.uk or call their free helpline on 0808 808 1677 unique challenges of video
conference calls, we’re proud
to bring you our first issue
created entirely remotely. For
Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all as long as we can, we will
our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the work tirelessly to continue
trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly,
to offer you the print edition
we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a
suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. of Happiful, but if anything
The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors changes, we will be in touch.
of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values.
For now, take care, stay safe,
Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is
provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the and enjoy the read.
highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your
feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@
happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered
by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and Prices and benefits are correct at the
registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT time of printing. Offer expires 18 June 2020.
Cover illustration number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside For full terms and conditions,
by Rosan Magar Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL. please visit happiful.com

Spitzer the very socialable cat
PETS
Missing cat found visiting
local MH patients
When Helena Abraham’s cat
Spritzer first started disappearing,
she was at a loss to where she
could be. But a tracking collar
soon revealed that Spritzer was
making visits to her local mental
health unit at the Fairfield General
Hospital, Manchester.
After picking Spritzer up from
the hospital, Helena discovered
that she had become a regular
visitor, and could often be found
hanging out with the patients
in the summer, keeping them
company as they sat together in
the centre’s garden.
“When I realised that’s where
she was going, I stopped worrying
about her when she disappeared
for days at a time,” Helena tells
Happiful. “I knew she was in safe
hands, and I knew she was helping
to make the patients happy.
“I’ve seen the patients when I’ve
been to collect her in the car, and
they’ve said: ‘See you tomorrow
Spritzer!’ Their smiles say it all.”
The uplifting effect of animals
on our mental health is well-
documented, with research
conducted by Cats Protection and
the Mental Health Foundation
finding that 87% of people who
owned a cat felt it had a positive
impact on their wellbeing, while
76% said they could cope with
everyday life much better thanks
to the company of their feline pals.
And for the patients at Fairfield
General Hospital, Spritzer is a
welcome guest, and a fur-miliar
friend. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
MUSIC
Turn it up!
Music therapy
supports stroke
recovery
Whether you’re a Swifty or a Stones
fan, there’s no denying music’s
therapeutic properties. And now,
new research has found that music
can support stroke patients with
mood regulation, concentration,
and even brain function.
The two-year study, led by Dr
Alex Street from Anglia Ruskin
University, Cambridge, looked
at the experience of 177 patients
who were undertaking regular
neurologic music therapy sessions.
During the sessions, patients
played instruments such as
keyboards and hand-held
percussion – with the aim to
promote hand rehabilitation,
improve finger dexterity, and
support cognitive training.
The music therapy sessions
were taken alongside usual
rehabilitation treatment, and
when the experiment was over, the
average ratings from those taking
part were that it was ‘helpful’
or ‘very helpful’. Additionally,
when assessing their moods,
researchers found a reduction in
‘sad’ responses and an increase in
‘happy’ responses.
It’s something that can be easily
incorporated into rehabilitation,
and the news that holistic
treatment can boost recovery is
truly music to our ears!
Writing | Kat Nicholls
May 2020 • happiful.com • 9
 CHILDREN

Study finds that

kids are happier
in nature
If you’re looking for a way to help
your kids feel more empowered,
the latest research suggests there’s
nothing better than time spent in the
great outdoors – as a new study has
revealed that children’s happiness
may be closely linked to sustainable
behaviours.
Researchers from the Sonora
Institute of Technology, Mexico,
found that children who feel more
connected to nature feel happier.
While previous links have been found
between adults and nature, this is the
first time research has found a link
for kids, too.
Nearly 300 children aged nine to
12, from north-western Mexico,
were assessed across a number of
categories – including altruism,
equity, frugality, and pro-ecological
behaviours. They were asked about
their connection to nature, both in
appreciating beauty, and in feeling
a part of it. Finally, their happiness
levels were measured using the
‘subjective happiness scale’.
Results revealed that the more
connected children feel to the natural
world, the more inclined they are to
engage in sustainable behaviours,
which lead to a greater sense of
happiness.
We couldn’t think of a better
reason to encourage kids to continue
developing their love of the great
outdoors. Let’s carry on making their
lives – and the world as a whole – a
much better place.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

May 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5
S
18 26 26
E R
24
S Codebreaker
20 14 23 12
N E Embrace your inner
1
A 16 12 14
E Sherlock by solving
5 11 10 4 18 11
this puzzle – it’s like a
10
A E N R E crossword, but with
7 1
E A N S A no clues! Impossible,
18 20 12 4 12 23
you might say, but
N E R it’s all about logic.
11
S
1
N E Every letter of the
18 12 5 4 4 alphabet is used,
S Q R R E and is represented
19
A A by a number in the
7 1 4 18 5 grid, so each time
N R N A
you figure out a
7 1 24 11 5
R A R N letter you’ll uncover
8 12 more of the puzzle.
18
E
The game is afoot!
24 4 25 5 10
E A R
18 23
A E E Hint: Nature
26 5
R S
4 4 21 7 7 18 8 24 21 4
A E N R
24 7
R A
21 15 22 5 7 20
R E E E E R

A B C D E F G H I J K L M How did you

do? Search
9 2 'freebies' at
shop.happiful.com
to find the answers,
and more!
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

6 13 17 3
 The
wellbeing
wrap
Clap for
our Carers
The UK paused for a
Driving change Children across the UK are moment of gratitude at 8pm
Millions Drivers from coach
are taking part painting rainbows to hang on Thursday 26 March, as
company Bakers Dolphin, in their windows in order to
in Joe Wicks’ thousands of people took to
daily live PE in Weston-super-Mare, spread a smile to passers-
classes Somerset, are retraining by. Some people have their doorsteps to join in a
as ambulance drivers, been adding encouraging round of applause for
to support in the fight messages, and notes of NHS workers.
against Covid-19. The gratitude for delivery drivers
company will also and postal workers, too. You
never know the difference a
Best foot
Netflix
provide coaches to take
kind word can have in times
forward
donates £1
key workers’ children to like these, so pass it on. Brighton and Hove Albion FC
million to BFI school, too. have started a campaign calling
and UK’s Film on clubs in the Premier League to
and TV Charity SERVING UP GOOD DEEDS give away 100,000 free tickets as
Coronavirus
Fund
A kind gesture can go a long way, but one a thank you to NHS staff. Though
mysterious Good Samaritan has decided to we can’t know when things will
take things a bit further to help all inhabitants get back to normal, the gesture
of the village of Denchworth, Oxfordshire. An looks to give the incredible
anonymous man has paid for all 171 locals people working on the front-line
Crocs
is donating a to have a fish and chip takeaway dinner, something to look forward to.
pair of shoes to provided by The Fox Inn, every Friday for
every healthcare three weeks during the lockdown.
worker in the US Home is where
IN YOUR CORNER the heart is
More than £5,000 worth of ‘coronavirus packs’ Airbnb are partnering with
have been given to elderly people in need, thanks their hosts across the UK to
to a corner shop in Edinburgh. Zahid Iqbal, who ensure 100,000 healthcare
Patrick Stewart runs the Day-Today store, gave out 550 of his workers and first responders
is reading a survival packs in a day – which included one can have free, convenient,
sonnet a day toilet roll, anti-bac handwash, one pack and comfortable places to
online to pick up stay during this crisis, so they
people’s spirits of tissues, and a packet of paracetamol –
after his kind gesture went viral online. can get some respite and
still be near their patients.
BATTERSEA DOGS GAME TIME
AND CATS HOME HAS One story sure to bring a smile to your face involves
REPORTED A SURGE residents of a Bryn Celyn Care Home, in Maesteg, Wales,
IN APPLICATIONS TO giving a children’s favourite board game a 21st Century
twist. To give elderly residents some excitement during
FOSTER ANIMALS. A
The RSPB isolation, the home decided to host a life-size version of
SIMILAR TREND HAS Hungry Hippos! Residents tried to grab as many ball-pit
has started
breakfast BEEN SEEN IN OTHER balls as possible, using baskets attached to poles, while
birdwatches, COUNTRIES, TOO, AS being pushed in wheelchairs. A video of the game in action
weekdays
8–9am
PEOPLE OPEN THEIR has gone viral online, and shows both residents and carers
HOMES TO ANIMALS enjoying some light relief in this difficult time – perhaps a
IN NEED. sign we can all get innovative with our entertainment.

skin positivty?
There’s a growing social movement that’s championing skin in all its
blemished nakedness. It’s encouraging people to rethink and cut out the
shame that can come from having less-than-perfect skin
I
n a social media-driven world that
prioritises perfection on screen,
many of us can feel pressured to
hold ourselves to conventional
beauty standards. Thanks to the
powers that be – makeup, lighting
and photo-editing tools – it’s
possible to erase any visible sign of
‘imperfection’.
However, for people struggling with
skin conditions, this culture leaves
little room for their sense of self-
worth. It can, understandably, affect
the way you feel about how you look.
THE LINK BETWEEN APPEARANCE
AND MENTAL HEALTH
Each year, 13 million people in
the UK visit their GP with a skin
complaint. Yet, despite the huge
number of people affected, there’s
a culture of shame around skin
conditions, particularly acne.
Although teenagers can (and do)
face stigma of their own, there are
different social factors at play when
you have skin problems later in life.
The impact on our wellbeing is
vastly underestimated. In a recent
survey by the British Skin Foundation,
nine out of 10 dermatologists agreed
that not enough importance is placed
on the psychological effects of skin
conditions.
14 • happiful.com • May 2020
What is
Writing | Becky Wright
However, thanks to a growing
social media movement, there’s an
alternative outlet that can help you
to feel comfortable and confident
in your own skin. Step forward
skin positivity.
The movement took off in 2015
when vlogger Em Ford posted a
video called You Look Disgusting
online. It revealed all the daily
trolling comments she received
about her acne. Five years later,
the video has had more than 32
million views.
The movement has gained so
much traction that it’s now going
beyond acne. It’s sticking two
fingers up to the stigma, abuse,
and embarrassment that can stem
from a myriad of skin conditions –
rosacea, eczema and dermatitis, to
name a few.
To find out more, I spoke to Sarah
Perkins, a skin positivity vlogger and
creator of Skinstory – a journal that
helps you to track patterns between
your skin, and potential triggers.
“It’s almost impossible to go
through life without experiencing
some form of skin condition,”
says Sarah. “And, thanks to the
shame that comes with a visible
skin condition, it’s more than just
a physical condition. It affects
your emotional wellbeing and
confidence, too.
“Social media plays a huge part
in this movement, and the more
people that post their bare-faced
selfies, the wider this message is
spread.” And it really is a growing
movement – at the time of writing,
there are more than 50,000 posts
tagged with #skinpositivity on
Instagram.
MORE THAN A HASHTAG
Scrolling through these posts,
I’m blown away by the amount
of support that’s present. It’s
more than just a hashtag, it’s a
community. “Social media allows
you to connect with others going
through a similar time with their
skin,” says Sarah. “It’s taught me
that my old insecurities about my
skin are shared by so many.”
One frequent topic in the captions
and comments is acne medication.
It seems that this is also a place for
people to learn from one another.
When I ask Sarah about this, she
tells me that, for a while, there
seemed to be two camps: those
who only believed in the natural
approach, and those that went for
medication. There was something
of a divide in the community.

Image | Instagram @ Brielamour89
“But, from speaking to thousands
of others online, it’s clear that
no two people have the same
experience with their skin. And, for
me, a combination of the two (and a
serious dose of self-love) has been a
game-changer,” says Sarah.
I think that’s the crux of the
movement: self-love. Skin positivity
isn’t about changing the appearance
of your skin, it’s about changing the
way you see your skin. Because your
happiness shouldn’t rely on how
good your skin is looking
each day.
This isn’t a movement reserved for
the realms of social media, though.
Nor is it solely for people living
with skin conditions. “To me, skin
positivity is for anyone. Our attitude
towards others with skin conditions
needs to change, and that can be
done by everyone,” says Sarah.
Perhaps the biggest influencer
of skin positivity is the beauty
industry – brands that can choose
imagery showing ‘real’, unedited
skin. Certainly, in the last few
years, real skin has become more
visible in advertising campaigns.
Brands such as Urban Decay and
ASOS have committed to using
unretouched images to promote
their products and, this year,
Mattel unveiled a new Barbie doll
with vitiligo, in a bid to broaden
the diversity of its range. But
there’s still a long way to go.
#SkinPositivity
Feel inspired by following:
Skin positivity artist Brie Lamour
! @BrieLamour89 (pictured)
Skin positivity vlogger Sarah
Perkins (quoted):
! @Sarah_Skinstory
Mindset expert Lea Alexandra:
! @SkinWithLea
Until the rest of the world catches
up with these trailblazers, the onus
is on us to champion examples of
skin positivity. So, try to buy from
brands that promote diversity, and
call-out those that aren’t doing
enough.
And, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt
from this movement that I want
you to take away, it’s this: to love
yourself, no matter what your skin
is doing today. The most important
thing is that your self-worth is not at
the mercy of your skin.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 15
 Sleep
scenarios
and how to
put them to rest
Poor sleep can feel like a recurring nightmare. A bad night’s sleep leads to a muffled
mindset, which leads to problems during the day, which leads to another bad night’s
sleep. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here, we work our way through common
sleep scenarios and, with help from experts, shine the light on some solutions
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

16 • happiful.com • May 2020

E
very night in the UK, 22%
of people have trouble
falling asleep. Nightmare,
right?
When we struggle to sleep,
the impact trickles out into the
rest of our lives. It can affect our
performance at work, our diet,
and our relationships with others.
The underhand shot is that our
diet and lifestyle can also be
the reason we’re not dropping
off at night, and we can quickly
find ourselves in a never-ending
downward spiral.
So how can we break free? With
help from a counsellor and a
nutritionist, we play out some of
the most common sleep problem
scenarios, and look at how to
address them.
When a lack of sleep starts to
affect your mental health
The next act…
This scene is all too
familiar to counsellor
and psychologist Dr
Vikki Powell, and
to the 16 million
adults in the UK
who report sleep
problems. On
Vikki’s advice, for
many the first step
to addressing these
problems is to go back
to basics. “The most
effective step is to start a
regular routine around sleep,”
she explains. “This involves not
only having a regular bedtime
and wake time that you maintain
throughout the week (including
weekends), but also having a La petite mort
regular wind-down routine too.”
In English: ‘The little death’.
It sounds a bit morbid, but

The scene…
You feel fatigued and lethargic,
even the small things in your
daily routine feel like monstrous,
energy-sucking quests. And when
things feel that difficult, it’s easy
to let them fall by the wayside.
You struggle to concentrate when
you’re at work, and your to-do
list builds up to an overwhelming
level. Recalling things that
happened even yesterday becomes
hard, and you start to notice that
you’re forgetting more than you
normally would. You’re irritable
with your colleagues, friends,
and family – you’re at the end of
your tether. When you do finally
get round to doing the things that
you enjoy, you can’t engage as
you would do normally. You feel
anxious and hopeless.
16 million
adults in the
UK report sleep
problems
As Vikki sees it, this routine
should involve time away from
screens and tech, and you should
try not to arouse the brain too
much, or do any strenuous
physical activity. But rather than
listing the things you can’t do,
look at this time as an opportunity
to indulge in some relaxing
activities you genuinely enjoy.
You could rediscover a love of
reading, journaling, or crafting.
Or now could be the time to
it’s the French expression to
describe the sleepy feeling we
experience post-orgasm. Sex
boosts oxytocin (the happy
hormone) and reduces cortisol
(the stress hormone). Orgasms
also release prolactin, the
hormone responsible for the
sleepiness. So, if you’re finding
yourself tossing and turning
in your sheets, it could be an
idea to get busy between
them.
practise light yoga, meditation,
or another mindfulness activity
– sex is also on the cards. Make
this time sacred and special,
dedicated to winding down,
and something that you can
look forward to at the end of
the day. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 17


Eat your way
to a better
night’s sleep
The food we eat
in the day can have
a soothing effect on our
sleep. To tap into this, Sonal
Shah suggests trying:
• Cherries. They contain
natural melatonin, especially
tart cherries or tart cherry
juice.
• Walnuts. The amino acid
called tryptophan is the
precursor to serotonin.
• Herbal teas. Chamomile,
lemon balm, lavender,
passionflower, valerian root,
and ginger teas have a
calming, sedative effect.
• A handful of almonds or
sunflower seeds. They
contain magnesium, which
can help sleep.
18 • happiful.com • May 2020
When your mental or period subsides, so should the
health keeps you up insomnia. Worrying about not
at night sleeping, and adopting unhelpful
strategies for coping with poor
The scene… sleep, become the problem – and
You’ve had a bad this perpetuates insomnia.”
day. In fact, it’s It’s easier said than done, but the
been a bad week – first step is to take a look at the
scratch that, maybe potential triggers.
even a bad month. You may not be able to do
It feels like a million anything about them instantly
different thoughts are – for example, if you are
rushing around your going through a stressful life
head, knocking change – and it may be the case
into, and that counselling, or further
interlocking professional support, is needed,
with, each but being able to recognise your
other. The triggers will be the first step
moment your to controlling them. Vikki also
head hits recommends keeping a worry
the pillow, journal, or to-do list, to throw
you start down the things in your head
inadvertently before you go to sleep, meaning
working your way you can move them out of your
through everything head and on to the paper, leaving
that has been worrying room for more positive, relaxing
you throughout the day – like a thoughts to send you off to sleep.
showreel of your lowest moments.
It comes to the point where
you begin to dread this time The first step to
of night, and so stay up later
and later, filling your evening
treating insomnia is
with distractions. You wake up to take a look at the
physically and mentally exhausted potential triggers
– it’s a vicious cycle.
The next act... When sleep affects your diet
The reassuring thing is, you’re not
alone. Periods of poor sleep are The scene…
very normal and will affect most You wake up in the morning with a
of us at some point. headache, feeling exhausted. You
“This is often related to a trigger force yourself into the kitchen to
event such as illness, stress, make the first of many coffees that
change of environment, and extra day. You didn’t get much sleep last
demands or responsibilities,” Vikki night, and you feel ravenous, and
explains. “When the trigger event crave sugary foods. Throughout
the day you snack between meals,
and have another coffee in the
afternoon. To wind down after
work, you have a couple of glasses
of wine. You feel tired, but when
you go to bed you find you’re
restless, and you wake up several
times in the night.
The next act…
The relationship between food
and sleep is often neglected. But,
according to nutritional therapist
Sonal Shah, it’s one that we must
start paying more attention to.
“There is a strong link between
lack of sleep and more hunger,”
Sonal explains. “The hunger
hormone ghrelin is stimulated,
which means you feel like you
want to eat more the following day
– and often the foods craved are
simple carbohydrates,
or junk food, that
provides quick energy to the body
and mind.”
So a good night’s sleep can help
us manage our hunger cycle, but
how can what we’re eating help
with getting the sleep in the first
place? The first tip any nutritionist
will give you is – you’ve already
guessed it – cutting the caffeine.
We’ve all been told it before, but to
really drive the point home, Sonal
highlights how caffeine stays in
the body for between six and 10
hours – meaning you should cut
yourself off from 2pm. Alcohol
and sugary snacks can also lead to
disturbed sleep. Of course, there’s
nothing wrong with treating
yourself every now and then,
but these tips are worth keeping
in mind while you’re working
towards healthier routines.
Curtain call
You’ve had a long day.
It’s been a busy one,
but you feel proud
of yourself for
getting through
the essentials on
your to-do list. The
sun has set outside,
and everything has
started to get quieter.
You walk into your dimly
lit bedroom, change into
fresh pyjamas, and spend half
an hour on a hobby you’ve been
looking forward to all day. You
slowly sip on a mug of warm
herbal tea. Your eyes are starting
to feel droopy, so you slip in
between the sheets and turn off
the light.
Your head sinks into the pillow
followed by your neck, your
WIN!
Win a bundle of Teapigs calm,
snooze, chamomile, and peppermint
teas, and a keep cup!
For your chance to win, email
competitions@happiful.com
with your answer to the following
question:
How long does it take the average
person to fall asleep?
a) 5 minutes b) 7 minutes
c) 12 minutes
UK mainland only. Competition closes 21 June.
Get 20% off your Teapigs order
with code HAPPIFUL20 *
*offer ends 31 August
shoulders, your spine, your hips,
your knees, and finally your heels.
You take deep, slow breaths and
gently let your mind ponder on the
things that brought you joy that
day. Without stress or urgency, you
slowly drift off into a deep, calm,
rejuvenating sleep.
A good night’s sleep won’t come
easily to all of us, but it’s not a
pipe dream. With deliberate steps,
we can find our balance, and bid
tossing and turning goodnight.
Now, that’s what dreams are really
made of.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 19
 Science-backed methods
to send you to sleep in minutes
One in three Brits have trouble getting to sleep at night.
Are you one of the unlucky third? If so, we have the solution
Writing | Emma Shearer
W
e all experience nights
where our minds are
whirring, and we
just can’t seem to fall
asleep. “Did I attach that document
to the email?”, “Why didn’t I speak
up in that meeting?”, or “How am I
going to manage my debt?” Constant
worrying at night can have a serious
impact on our health and cause us
to underperform the next day. If
you find yourself lying wide awake
and worrying about the world, one,
or all, of the following suggestions
could help you to fall asleep quicker
than you can say “lights out!”
LIGHT A CANDLE
Helping to create that relaxing
atmosphere, lighting a scented
candle could be ideal for setting
the mood for sleep. And particular
scents have been found to be more
effective, with spiced apple scent
proven to lower systolic blood
pressure, according to Dr Gary
Schwartz at Yale University. When
your blood pressure is lower, you’ll
naturally be more relaxed, which
will help you to drop off quicker. A
word of caution though: remember
to blow out the candles before you
close your eyes.
READ A BOOK
Reading for just six minutes before
turning off the light can work
20 • happiful.com • May 2020
Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
wonders. Based on a 2009 study
conducted by the University of
Sussex, reading can also reduce
stress levels by nearly 70%. What’s
more, a good book is a form of
escapism, which should help to
relax your natural energy, and help
you to drift off.
Dr David Lewis, who organised
the study, says it doesn’t really
matter what type of book you read,
as long as you can thoroughly
lose yourself in the engrossing
storyline. This will allow you to
forget the worries and stresses of
the day that’s gone. A favourite
trick with the Happiful team, we
can vouch for its effectiveness.
BATHE BEFORE BED
Science says that just before we
fall asleep our body temperature
drops. By having a warm bath,
you’ll quickly raise your body
temperature. When you get out of
the bath, your temperature will
rapidly fall. By prompting your
body to drop in temperature – the
process that happens naturally
inside your body before sleep – it
could help you to fall asleep in
minutes. A study suggests that
those who have a warm bath (or
shower) before bed are not only
more likely to fall asleep quicker,
but will also have a better night’s
sleep, too.
WARM YOUR PAWS!
A study released by the Swiss journal
Nurture suggests that “warm feet
promote the rapid onset of sleep”.
Don’t believe us? Wear a pair of
socks or have a hot water bottle at
the bottom of your bed. Warming
your feet will cause your blood
vessels to widen (vasodilatation
is the fancy term), which allows
more heat to escape through your
feet, and therefore cools your core
temperature down and reduces your
blood pressure. So, put a pair of
fluffy socks on your next shopping
list if you’re struggling to get some
shut-eye.
CUT THE CAFFEINE
It’s a well-known fact that that
caffeine keeps us awake if we
consume too much before bedtime.
According to Sleep Education,
caffeine will reach its peak level
within 30–60 minutes of entering
your bloodstream. It’s suggested that
caffeine has a half-life of three to
five hours. This means that within
that time the amount of caffeine in
your system will decrease to half the
initial amount. So, if you’re aiming
to get to sleep by 11pm, maybe move
on to herbal tea after midday – it’s
much better for you anyway. Plus,
think of the cash you’ll be saving
by no longer stopping at the cafe to
purchase that afternoon coffee kick.
PLAY SOME CLASSICAL MUSIC
A study conducted by psychologist
Laszlo Harmat investigated the
effects of music on young people
with sleep disorders. The study
comprised three groups and
participants either listened to
classical music, an audiobook, or
nothing at all. Harmat found that
“relaxing classical music is an
effective intervention in reducing
sleep problems,” whereas sleep
quality did not improve for either the
audiobook group or those without
aural aids. Other research suggests
that music with a slow rhythm can
help you nod off, so maybe avoid
Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ as you
change into your jammies.

EXERCISE
Evidence suggests that moderately
intensive aerobic exercise can
reduce the time it takes to fall
asleep, and can increase the length
of sleep in people with chronic
insomnia. Maybe a brisk walk in the
evenings will help? But be mindful
– overexerting yourself immediately
before bed can have the opposite
effect, so perhaps keep the HIIT
sessions for earlier in the day.

PARADOXICAL INTENTION
This is the idea that by telling
yourself to stay awake, you can
‘trick’ yourself into falling asleep
faster. Sometimes when we are
struggling to sleep, actively trying
to sleep increases our anxiety, and
makes it even harder to switch off.
The Society of Clinical Psychology
suggests that by reframing the
situation to try to stay awake for as
long as possible, the performance
anxiety relating to not being able to
sleep will reduce, enabling you to
fall asleep more quickly.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 21

 Reignite your passion
for work...wit h G race
This month, our columnist Grace Victory gets candid about feeling vulnerable
and lost in her career. For anyone feeling the same way, she shares her insight to
help guide you back on course…
A
s a little girl I always
knew what I wanted to be
– ‘someone’.
I wanted my everyday
existence to be full of glitz, glam,
and the the thrill that being on
stage or in front of a camera gave
me. I wanted to feel like I was
making a difference in the world,
because in my childhood I often
felt the opposite.
So, I worked hard. Extremely
hard. And from the age of 10 I
was making money, and enjoying
the process of creating a life for
myself. I knew exactly what I
wanted, so I worked on making it
my reality. I had a burning feeling
inside me, telling me that I needed
to escape my hometown to chase
my dreams – and I dreamed big.
My career has always been my
thing, which is a positive and a
negative. On the one hand it kept
me focused, taught me discipline,
and allowed me to grow in
confidence and ability. But it also
enabled me to base my self-worth
on my career, and choose working
over pretty much everything else.
In 2017, I released my debut
book No Filter. I had eight book
offers from various publishers
with decent advances, and my ego
was being well and truly stroked –
22 • happiful.com • May 2020
honesty is the best policy. People
in the industry were excited, I was
excited, and then the sales figures
came in and the book, in my
words, “had bombed”.
I was devastated.
I felt my desire to create a Sunday
Times best-seller with 50,000+
copies had been the driving force
behind the entire process of
creating the book. I constantly felt
like I wasn’t enough, and when it
finally came out, I felt like such
a failure.
After No Filter, my confidence
plummeted, and I began to
question my purpose. Suddenly at
27, I had no idea what I wanted,
and it was scary.
I had hit a brick wall, and up
until very recently I couldn’t see a
way out. I was bored, unmotivated,
and uninspired. Would a 9–5 bring
me more contentment? Should I
just get rid of all my possessions,
move away, and live in a hut?
At the beginning of my ‘career
breakdown’, I resisted the shame
and confusion. I didn’t want to
I knew exactly what I wanted, so
I worked on making it my reality
feel those difficult feelings, so I
pretended everything was great –
and that added to my dread. I cried
every week, I moaned about it, I
screamed about it, and eventually
I got myself into a really negative
headspace about the entire thing.
But while I was wallowing in
my sadness, this showed me I did
know what I wanted, I was just
scared of it. Scared of the change,
scared of this new direction, scared
I was going to fail, scared because I
needed to make big decisions.
So I stopped resisting and found
comfort in my truth of ‘I don’t
really know what’s next for me,
so I’m enjoying the ride until
the lightbulb moment happens.’
And of course, the lightbulb did
happen. It just took patience.
From 2017 to 2019 I felt like a lost
puppy. I tried a podcast, which
didn’t go as planned. I changed
my blog content, which over time
became boring, and I even tried a
guest radio show on BBC5 LIVE,
which I ended up hating. From the
outside I may have looked all over
HAPPIFUL TOP 10
May
Make the month of May about prioritising you. Discover the app that helps
improve your sleep cycle, take part in uplifting home workouts, and get involved in
the week dedicated to mental health

3 4
PUT ON A SHOW TECH TIP-OFFS
TED Talks Sleep Cycle – Sleep
TED is a nonprofit Better
organisation devoted to Improve your sleep cycle
spreading ideas through short, and wake up feeling well-rested. Set

1
powerful talks. One of our a half-an-hour slot for your wake-
personal favourites is ‘Where up time, and the Sleep Cycle alarm
joy hides and how to find it’ by will wake you up while you are in a
designer and writer Ingrid Fetell light sleep to help you feel refreshed
Lee. The perfect way to find and ready to take on the day.
positivity from the comfort of
(Download from the App Store
PAGE-TURNERS your own home.
and Google Play)
Be Your Own Best Friend: (Watch all talks on ted.com)
The Glorious Truths of
Being Female
Feel-good guru Chessie
King shares her secrets to
loving yourself in her new
book! Be Your Own Best
Friend: The Glorious Truths of
Being Female will help you
strengthen your relationship

5
with your body, your brain,
and those around you.
(Out 28 May, Thorsons, PLUGGED-IN
£14.99) Special Books by
Special Kids

2
Special Books by Special Kids
OUT AND ABOUT
aims to create a more accepting
Vision Boarding world with each video. Founder
What are your dreams for Chris Ulmer travels the world to
the future? Vision boards interview people with a range of
can be a great way to set out your goals and remind you of who diagnoses and backgrounds, to
you want to be. All you need is glue, scissors, some magazines, and teach us all about inclusion.
anything else you would like for inspiration and decoration! (Follow Special Books by Special
(Download our free vision board craft kit at shop.happiful.com) Kids on Facebook)
 6 9
LEND US YOUR EARS
Is This Working?
Does your workplace keep up with
the times, or are you stuck in the
Stone Age? Journalist Anna Codrea-Rado and
writer Tiffany Philippou explore how we can
make work better for everyone by tackling
topics like mental health, productivity, and
office culture.
THE CONVERSATION
Mental Health Awareness Week
We can all work together to raise
awareness of mental health, every
day. Across the week, you can get involved with
hundreds of events taking place around the
country to promote the message of good mental
health for all.
(18–24 May, get involved at mentalhealth.org.uk)

10
(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

7
GET GOING
SQUARE EYES
The Great Celebrity Bake The Fitness Marshall
Off for SU2C Want to add some fun into
Watch your favourite celebrities cook your workout routine? Caleb
up a storm on The Great Celebrity Marshall shares upbeat
Bake Off. Paul and Prue judge the dance workouts featuring
creations of celebrities including guest dancers of all body
Louis Theroux and Alex Jones. The types. With his sassy moves
series is in aid of Stand Up To Cancer, and positive vibes, The Fitness
so you can support a worthy cause Marshall will have you smiling
while you watch. That’s the icing on from ear to ear.
the cake! (Search ‘The Fitness Marshall’
(Available on All 4) on YouTube)

8 TREAT YOURSELF
Kind Bag
Looking for a new reusable bag to take shopping? Kind Bags have WIN!
been specially developed to reduce single-use plastic, and each bag is
made from six recycled plastic bottles. With 12 designs to choose from,
you’ll be spoilt for choice.
SU2C | standuptocancer.org.uk

(£10, view the full range at kindbag.co)

Win a Kind Bag!

For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com
with your answer to the following question:
How much have plastic bag sales decreased in England since the
introduction of the 5p charge? a) 50% b) 70% c) 90%
Competition closes 21 May. UK mainland only. Good luck!
“ Sometimes you will never
know the value of a moment,
until it becomes a memory
– DR SEUSS

Photography | Kelli McClintock

 Play it your way
Five steps to creating your ultimate feel-good playlist
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

M
usic has the ability to
completely transform our
moods. How many times
has an upbeat song come on, and
suddenly your feet are tapping,
you’re singing along, and the worries
that were weighing you down now
feel that much lighter?
A study published in PLOS One
found that music has the power to
significantly reduce stress levels,
and we can all vouch for the way that
the right song at the right time can
instantly put a smile on our face.
It’s time to harness the power of
music. Follow our five tips to start
building your new, ultimate
feel-good playlist.

A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD A SONG THAT TRANSPORTS

Whether it’s a cheesy pop song
that you longed to come on at your
school disco, or a track that reminds
you of road-trip sing-a-longs with
your family, pick a song that brings
out your inner-child. Childhood
is so often a time of freedom and
joy, and music that takes us back
can help us remember those times
and embrace the simple things that
once made us so happy.
A SONG THAT REMINDS
YOU OF A PERSON
Maybe it’s a song that perfectly
sums up your relationship with your
significant other, or one that you
and a friend would sing along to at
the top of your lungs. Think about a
person who you care about deeply,
and who you are grateful to have
in your life, and choose a song that
reminds you of all the happy times
you have shared together.
YOU TO ANOTHER PLACE
Where do you feel most happy?
Bounding through the rolling
countryside? Lounging on a sunny
beach? Tucked up and cosy at
home? Music can transport us to
other times and places – a lovely
reminder for when we can’t be
there physically. Pick a song that
captures the feeling of a happy
place you have been. Maybe it’s an
upbeat holiday anthem, or a slow,
comforting track that reminds you
of home. Find the link, and add it
to the list.
A SONG YOU KNOW
EVERY WORD TO
There’s little more satisfying than
singing along with every word in a
song, from start to finish. You don’t
have to be a Céline Dion to belt out
a tune every now and then, and
there are many wellbeing benefits
of singing, including breathing
techniques and the release of
happy hormones into the body. So
pick an old familiar, then show us
what you’ve got.
A SONG THAT GETS YOU
ON THE DANCEFLOOR
Is there a song that causes you to
make a bee-line for the dancefloor
the moment it comes on? There’s
nothing like a bit of no-holds-
barred dancing to lift your mood.
You don’t have to look good, the
only thing that matters is that you
feel good. Feel the music, allow the
joy to spread through your body,
and let yourself go.
 In the spotlight:
4th
The tricky
fourth
trimester
The first three months of your new baby’s life should be
full of joy and love as you begin to learn about each
other. But those early weeks can also bring unexpected
and challenging problems…
Writing | Jenna Farmer
B
ringing a baby into
the world is one of
the best moments of
a parent’s life, but the
weeks that follow can be some of
the most difficult. Despite thinking
I had prepared myself, I never
anticipated just how isolating,
challenging, and pressuring I
would find the postnatal period.
GIVING BIRTH: EXPECTATION
VS REALITY
Many women arrive at the hospital
armed with a birth plan, only
to find things swiftly change as
labour progresses. Having an
elective C-section (due to health
reasons), I thought I’d avoid this
predicament, yet what played
out was very different to what I’d
anticipated.
28 • happiful.com • May 2020
Since I hadn’t gone into natural
labour, neither my body nor brain
seemed to comprehend that my
baby’s arrival was imminent.
While, luckily, my memories of my
baby’s first hours are happy ones,
the sense of confusion I felt when
he was passed to me – and, if I’m
honest, the relief I felt when the
midwife then later took him back
temporarily – also remains.
Mum-of-four Helen Hamston had
plans to learn about hypnobirthing
before her second child was born,
but all that was pushed aside when
her waters unexpectedly broke at
22 weeks.
After initially being told the baby
had zero chance of survival, she
endured constant hospital visits
until 32 weeks, when she was
finally induced.
My one job seemed Says Helen: “I didn’t even have
to be to feed him and any baby grows or nappies, and
help him grow; yet, at she didn’t have a name. She was in
intensive care for several weeks,
the time, I didn’t even
which meant I had to leave her
feel capable of that
in the hospital. Very different to
coming home with a baby to show
her off to her big sister, like I’d
imagined. It’s only 10 years later
that I realise I have PTSD from this
experience.”
Parents should take comfort
that it’s common to feel all kinds
of different emotions when you
first meet your newborn. Clinical
psychologist and hypnobirthing
practitioner Dr Emma Svanberg
(see her website, mumologist.com)
explains: “I often wonder where
this story of an instant rush of love
came from, because the majority
of women I speak to talk about
feeling a sense of responsibility
towards their new baby, but that
feeling of love comes much later. A
third of women actually come out
of birth with trauma symptoms.”

PASSING THE TEST

Within minutes of a baby’s birth,
they’ll undertake their first test:
the Apgar score (an important
check to see if they might need
extra care). There’s no doubt this is
vital, but it sets the tone of things
to come.
After my little boy lost weight,
days after being born, what ensued
was daily weigh-ins, two overnight
hospital admissions, and far too
much Googling to get to the bottom
of why he just wasn’t gaining as
quickly as ‘the graph’ suggested he
should. The answer? Well, there
wasn’t one. And as I stare at his
very prominent thigh rolls as I
type this, I can reflect on how the
experience initially knocked my
confidence as a mother. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 29


My one job seemed to be to feed
him and help him grow; yet, at the
time, I didn’t feel capable of that.
Not every baby grows in a
uniform way, and the same
goes for things like sleep and
development milestones.
Cat Price, founder of organic
cotton muslin brand Pattie & Co
says: “My partner and I had real
problems with pressure around
my son’s sleep. You read books
and get advice telling you what to
expect at certain stages, but it just
left me feeling as though we were
doing something wrong, because
our son just didn’t do what other
babies seemed to do. It took a real
toll on my mental health.”
“External markers can add a lot
of pressure for parents,” explains
Dr Svanberg. “Letting go of these
feels difficult, but there are other
ways to feel confident as a parent.”
Cat did learn to do this in time.
“Eventually we decided to just
30 • happiful.com • May 2020
accept the situation and stop
trying to ‘fix it’; we were all much
happier from then,” she explains.
THE ‘L’ WORD
It’s important to acknowledge that
the first few weeks and months
can feel incredibly lonely; with
some struggling to transition
from a busy 9-to-5 and hectic
social life, to days on end indoors
with just a very tiny human for
company.
Says Dr Svanberg: “As a society,
we offer so little support to new
parents at a time where many
people live far from family. I see
many women who feel a personal
sense of responsibility about their
feelings of loneliness.”
“I suffered extreme isolation
after my daughter’s birth,” explains
Helen, “which led me to creating
the community website Mummy’s
Gin Fund. My aim is to make sure
no one feels lonely.”
GET OUT AND ABOUT
Venturing to baby classes can
make the world of difference.
We love Hoop, a savvy app that
shows what’s going on near you.
FIND YOUR TRIBE
Apps like Peanut and Mush are
great for finding local parents
near you.
YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL
Acknowledging how the people
around you can support you
doesn’t make you a bad parent!
SPEAK TO YOUR GP
If your low mood persists, do
seek medical advice. Help is
available with things such as
talking therapy or medication.
It’s not just new mums who can
feel alone. “Many dads struggle
to bond with their baby, and
experience a sense of isolation
because they can’t be as fully
involved with parenting as
mothers,” explains Han Son Lee,
founder of Daddilife, the UK’s
largest online platform for dads.
The fact is, we’re all in this
together – no matter what our
circumstances. It’s about time we
acknowledged that things don’t
have to be perfect to be right, and
that there’s no unilateral way of
doing things. With support from
each other, things run a little more
smoothly. So, reach out, be there
for others, and together we can
make that fourth trimester that
much easier.
Jenna is a freelance journalist who
specialises in perinatal mental and
gut health. She has Crohn’s disease,
and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

high-functioning
anxiety?
We speak to experienced anxiety experts Peter Klein, BABCP accredited cognitive
behavioural psychotherapist, and psychotherapist Lesley Shearer, to find out more
about high-functioning anxiety, how it affects us, and what we can do to cope...
W One of the most
e’ve all heard of
anxiety. Related to
our ‘fight or flight’
response, while the
emotional and physical sensations
are unpleasant, it can be a normal
thing to experience from time to
time. However, for some of us,
these feelings of worry, fear, or
unease can have a much greater,
lasting effect that can become
overwhelming.
According to the Mental Health
Foundation, generalised anxiety
disorder – one of the most
common forms of anxiety – is
thought to affect nearly 6% of all
adults in England. But what about
high-functioning anxiety? And
how prevalent is that?
What is high-functioning
anxiety?
“High-functioning anxiety (HFA)
is one of the most invisible anxiety
disorders,” psychotherapist Lesley
Shearer explains. “It can go on for
months or years without being
What is
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
diagnosed or treated, and to an
individual’s friends, family, and
colleagues, even themselves, the
symptoms can go unnoticed.”
Many who experience HFA may
try to ignore symptoms, or ‘power
through’ them. It’s not until they are
alone that they may ‘crash’. “The
intense time they have controlling
their emotions can be a drain on
their energy, meaning they need
prolonged periods of downtime
to recuperate, or that they turn
to maladaptive strategies such as
drinking, drug-taking, or binge-
eating as a way of coping,” says
Lesley.
Cognitive behavioural
psychotherapist Peter Klein
explains some of the overt and
covert ways HFA can present itself.
More obvious, outward signs can
include being very quiet or talkative,
fast movements and actions such
as scanning your surroundings
with fast eye movements, or overly
submissive or aggressive behaviour
when conflict arises.
invisible anxiety
disorders, it can
go on for months
or years without
being diagnosed
or treated
Easier-to-miss signs can include
constantly thinking about what
could go wrong and what you
should do about it, struggling
to be present in the moment,
daydreaming, experiencing a
fear of failure or being a fraud,
constant planning, or cringing
over your own behaviour.
Due to the ongoing stress that
can be caused, Lesley explains,
those who experience HFA may
develop physical health problems
as well. “There is more potential
for people with HFA to develop
physical health conditions such
as cardiovascular, respiratory, >>>
May 2020 • happiful.com • 31
16 seconds to de-stress
Psychotherapist Lesley shares
the technique she uses with
clients who experience high-
functioning anxiety:

• Observe your breath. Slowly

inhale through your nose,
mentally counting to four.

• Gently hold your breath for a

count of four.

• Release your breath for four

seconds.

• Hold your breath once more,

counting to four.

• Return to regular breathing.

• By repeating this four times,

you can reverse stress
responses into a relaxation
response.
Those with HFA will typically
appear successful, together,
and calm, often excelling in
different areas of work and life
or gastrointestinal disorders due
to the enduring effect of stress
on the body, or as a result of the
unhealthy behaviours they have
employed as a way of managing
their internal distress.”
Why do we experience HFA?
“People can have high-functioning
anxiety due to stressful events,
such as a difficult childhood,
biological causes such as food
insensitivities, or other reasons,”
Peter explains. “High-functioning
anxiety can be beneficial
when growing up in a stressful
environment, as it makes it easier
to anticipate threats before they
occur, and therefore implement
measures to avoid or control
perceived danger.”
While those with HFA will
typically appear successful,
together, and calm, often excelling
in different areas of work and life,
this can conflict with how they feel
on the inside.
What can we do to cope
with symptoms?
Just as anxiety can affect us all
in different ways, so too can
different ways of coping help us to
varying degrees. If you’re worried
that you may be experiencing
high-functioning anxiety, it’s
important to seek help and
support. Trying different methods
of coping with how you are
feeling is key; the first method
you try may not be quite right
for you and your situation, but
by exploring your other options,
you’re more likely to find the
best way for you.
“Often people will try to choose
the ‘rather safe than sorry’
approach,” Peter warns. “This
means that they will try to avoid
things that they perceive as
threatening. The problem here
is that anxiety can make certain
things appear as a threat even
though they aren’t. It’s therefore
important to recount in a more
calm state of mind, where and
when this applies.
“The next step is to plan how
to adjust behaviour in a way that
indicates that there is no threat.
For example, an employee
who avoids eye contact during
meetings with their boss can
readjust their gaze. This can
initially be scary, but the fear
subsides after time, as the mind
starts to learn that a ‘rather
safe than sorry’ approach is not
necessary.
“It’s important to generally
embrace symptoms a little more,
without trying to lessen them.
People avoid anxiety symptoms
by checking social media or the
news on their phones. Behaviour
geared towards avoiding
symptoms can make them worse,
as the brain recognises this
behaviour as an indicator of threat
– meaning we run the risk of
developing anxiety over anxiety.”
Raising your awareness of your
physical feelings of anxiety and
accompanying thoughts can help
you to stop when the symptoms
begin, and learn how to intercept
the cycle of anxiety. The STOP
technique is just one option that
can help you to break the cycle.
Lesley explains: “Your body is
the compass with anxiety, so learn
to pay attention to it. Notice if the
feeling isn’t so good. Shift the focus
of that attention to your thoughts.
Ask: what am I thinking right
now? Does it feel good to think the
things I’m thinking?
“If you notice it doesn’t feel
good, even if you believe them,
say the magic word STOP.
Imagine swatting the thoughts
away like a pesky little fly. Now,
mentally shift your focus to
slowing your breath down. Take
three long, slow, deep breaths.
Focus your attention on all of
the sounds in the room or your
immediate surroundings. Anchor
yourself in sound.”
Over time, anxiety can
eventually become worse if your
stressors keep building, or if
you struggle to reach out and
talk to others about what you
are struggling with, and how
you are feeling. Working with
a counsellor can help you to
understand the root causes of
your anxiety, as well as to learn
coping techniques. To find out
more about how working with
a therapist could help you, visit
counselling-directory.org.uk
May 2020 • happiful.com • 33
 Self-care
quiz
Answer the following
questions to reveal the
self-care activities you
should try today…
Q1. What sounds like your perfect Sunday?
A. Baking up a storm in the kitchen
B. A long bike ride through the countryside
C. Making the house tidy and prepped for
the week
D. Facetiming with your family
E. Chilling on the sofa, binge-watching
Netflix

Q2. What makes you feel most energised?

A. Creating something from scratch
B. Working up a sweat
C. Fresh bedsheets
D. Speaking with friends
E. A good night’s sleep

Q3. When you’ve had a bad day, what do you most

want to do when you get home?
A. Write in your diary
B. Do an exercise class
C. Deep-clean the kitchen
D. Play with your pet
E. Meditate

Q4. What do you want most right now?

A. To cook Q6. Where would you most like to visit if you could?
B. A run A. Art museum
C. A clear inbox B. The gym
D. A hug C. DIY store
E. Your bed D. Your nan’s house
E. A spa
Q5. What would your ultimate holiday entail?
A. A chance to sit outside and paint or write Q7. What do you want more of in your life?
B. Adrenaline-fuelled activities – cycling, A. Time to write
canoeing, exploring B. Time to practise yoga
C. A well-balanced schedule C. A decluttered home
D. Spending time with the whole family D. Laughter with loved ones
E. Lying on a beach, reading a book E. Time to pause and reflect

34 • happiful.com • May 2020

Mostly As - Creativity
Releasing some creative energy can be a great
way to unwind. Activities such as gardening,
sewing, and drawing have been shown to
release dopamine, the ‘feel-good’ hormone,
and many outlets allow us to practise
mindfulness, and connect with the moment.
Perhaps you could try painting, writing,
crafting, crochet, or cooking today?

Mostly Bs - Exercise
There’s no denying our minds and bodies
are connected, and taking care of one has
an impact on the other. Exercise releases
endorphins – a natural anti-anxiety treatment.
It can help to ease tension and boost your
mood – and there are lots of free online videos
to do at home if you need some inspiration.

Mostly Cs - Organisation
Getting on top of our to-do list might not
spring to mind when you think of self-care,
but getting organised and decluttering
can help you to feel more in control,
reducing stress, and helping us to feel less
overwhelmed. A tidy home can help to clear
your mind as well, so perhaps get through that
washing piling up, do the hoovering, change
that lightbulb, and clear out the junk draw.

Mostly Ds - Social support

Knowing we’re not on our own, and loved
ones are there to support us, has been shown
to reduce feelings of depression, and improve
mood. Even if you can’t spend time with those
you love in person, there are a multitude
of ways to connect using social media,
FaceTime, Skype, and Zoom.

Mostly Es - Rest
Sometimes what your body needs is a chance
to slow down, rest, and recover. Have an early
night, snooze that alarm, take a long bath,
read, or do some breathing exercises. Taking
time to meditate could do wonders for you as
it’s proven to reduce stress and anxiety, and
helps to improve your sleep, and even your
ability to control pain responses.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 35

“
Let us make
our future
now, and
let us make
our dreams
tomorrow's
reality
– MALALA YOUSAFZAI

Photography | Gabriel Baranski

 TRUE LIFE

Salvation song
Depression, the breakdown of his marriage,
bereavement, and serious illnesses brought
singer Kule T’s glittering showbiz world crashing
down. But it would be the love of music that got
him back on the road to recovery

Writing | Kule T

I
was born in south
London, and grew up
with my three siblings
and my mother. Life
was hard, and my mother
had to work every day,
so my older sister took
on the burden of looking
after us. As the youngest,
and the most creative,
I quickly latched on to
music as a way to express
myself. There was always
music in the house, with
one brother listening to
reggae, the other listening
to jazz, my mum listening
to her Jim Reeves and Bob
Marley collection, and me
listening to gospel.
At the age of 12, I started
playing the drums. I
remember my older
brother showing me a
drum pattern and I kept on
practising every day until
I mastered it. By 14, I was
playing drums in my local
church, as well as guitar
and bass guitar. These
became my outlets for
dealing with life.
At 17, I started singing to
express my feelings and
emotions, and also as a
healing mechanism. I met
other singers and saw how
they were able to capture
an audience with just their
voice, and I was hooked.
So, I began singing
wherever I could, and
formed an a cappella
group called Spirit with
my close friends Carl St
Hill, Christopher, and
Conner Reeves. We ended
up becoming like family.
But in 1988 my dear
friend Christopher, who
had been ill for some
time, collapsed and died
from a heart attack on
the street. I remember
bursting into tears, and
feeling so empty. But I
had to try to hold it all in,
because I had to break the
news to other people. That
was the hardest thing I
have ever done.
Two years passed, and
I kept up my singing and
managed to deal with
the passing of Chris. But
then another member of
Spirit, Carl, was rushed to
hospital with a damaged
foot. I thought he would
be OK, but two weeks
later he was dead. An
infection had spread
through his body from his
injured toe. I tried to hold
it all together but I found
this incredibly hard, and
I had to find a way of
shutting it into a box in
my brain.
As time passed, music
became my lifeline. I
sang wherever I could,
and I became the backing
vocalist for an open mic
talent night. I would
coach other singers and
help them with their
performances.
My professional musical
journey started when I
became a member of
a band called MN8. We
gelled so well, and we all
had one goal, to be the
best – and with time, our
work paid off.
In 1995 we released our
first single, ‘I’ve Got A
Little Something For You’,
which became a massive
hit. Our success continued
with three top 10 singles
in the UK and Europe, a
number one slot in the UK
R&B charts, a gold album
in France, our single in
the soundtrack of the film
Bad Boys, and a tour with
Janet Jackson. I felt like
the luckiest person on
earth, although we worked
hard to get there. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 37


In 2000 we decided to
go our separate ways to
pursue other things. I took
a step back from music.
I’m not sure why, but I
think that the musical
part of me just stopped.
I was young and didn’t
know how to handle the
music industry. You see,
no one could prepare
you for what comes with
success. What do you do
after everyone knows
you for being in a famous
band? How do you cope
with normal life? So, I had
to find a way.
I got married and had a
wonderful daughter, but as
time passed, I missed who
I was, what I loved, and
what made me feel alive –
being creative in music.
38 • happiful.com • May 2020
There were times when I
looked at myself in the mirror
and I didn’t know the person
who was looking back
I became lost, and a manage to move, it would
feeling of depression came just be on autopilot.
over me. There were times In November 2016 I was
when I looked at myself taken to hospital, because
in the mirror and I didn’t my leg had swollen up
know the person who was like a balloon. I had lost
looking back – it was just a all sensation and the pain
face, empty and lost. Other was unbearable. The
times I would stare at the doctors suspected a blood
ceiling all day without clot in my leg, which was
moving. When I did moving upwards. I spent
a couple of weeks in
hospital, and it took four
more weeks to get out
and about on crutches.
I kept smiling, though,
because I didn’t want my
daughter to worry about
me. But life was not good
and I felt so low inside.
In 2018 my marriage
broke down and I
moved out, because
I didn’t want us to be
arguing in front of our
daughter. On Christmas
Day of that year, I fell
ill. I wasn’t sure what
was happening, but I
managed to crawl down
the stairs, unable to open
my eyes properly. My
flatmates found me and
called an ambulance.
I ended up staying in
hospital for two weeks.
The doctors suspected
that I may have had a
bleed on the brain. After
a lumbar puncture, I lost
the ability to walk, and
was back on crutches
again.
I recovered in a
month, but after the

blood clot, depression,
marriage break down,
and suspected bleed on
the brain, I decided that
this was too much for me
and I had to find a way to
channel all of this hurt,
and not hold it all inside.
So, I decided to challenge
myself to write three
songs and play them to
different people. If I didn’t
do this, then I would give
up music indefinitely and
find another way to deal
with how I felt. But, to my
surprise, the people really
liked what they heard.
And this was where my
recovery began…
So, you could say that
me going back to music,
something that I had
always done as a child,
has kept me sane. Now,
as part of my healing
process, I write about
how I feel – the good and
bad – and also channel
my songwriting to help
me not injure myself or
my mind.
I also realise that I lacked
belief in my ability as a
singer, songwriter, and
producer. I never really
got the chance to show the
world – and me – what I
I had to find a way to
channel all of this hurt, and
not hold it all inside
was capable of, and my
daughter never knew that
part of me, either.
Now I go to the gym to
make sure I never set foot
in a hospital again. I look
after myself the best way
I know how, keep myself
focused on my goals, so
that one day my baby girl
can say: ‘That’s my daddy
on the TV! I love you
daddy.’
You must find your
focus, and no matter what
life throws at you – the
good and the ugly – stick
to what you know and
what you believe in, and
the universe will find a
way to give it to you.
To hear more from Kule
T and his music, visit
kule-tmusic.com, and
follow him on Instagram
@kule_t_mn8
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Kule certainly faced his fair
share of challenges. It’s true
to say that each and every
one of of us will experience
the effects of unexpected
events in our lives. The
question is, how do we cope?
Although it can feel as
though we are lost in these
times, the truth is the answer
lies within us. For Kule, it’s
music that allows him to be
creative and connect.
We may not always be
able to control the events
happening around us, but
we can have a positively
impact on ourselves
and others
by following
our passions,
and ultimately
realising our
dreams.
achel o ey | BA MA NLP Mstr
Life coach
May 2020 • happiful.com • 39
Ask the experts

Hypnotherapist John McKenzie

answers your questions on how
hypnotherapy can help you sleep

Read more about John on

hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

Q
I’m finding it hard
to drop off and
fall asleep at the
moment, and it’s really
affecting my mood. Is this
something hypnotherapy
can help with?
night can affect our mood and
physical health. The effects of
not getting enough sleep can
creep up on us, and we can
easily lose sight of how much
we’ve been affected by it.
The good news is that
hypnotherapy is really well-
deepening and improving
your quality of sleep.
When you see a
hypnotherapist, they’ll talk to
you, and lead you into a very
natural state of relaxation.
Some people find their
minds wander, while others

A We should all be aiming

for eight hours of sleep
a night, and for some people,
losing as little as one hour a
placed to help with sleep
issues. It can help with the
anxiety that sleep problems
are deeply focused. Both of
these responses are stepping
stones to getting in touch with
often cause, by both your natural ability to sleep.

Q I’ve heard some
friends talking
about self-
hypnosis for sleep.
What is this, and how
can I get started?
someone else helping you
into that relaxed state, you
lead yourself.
Self-hypnosis for sleep can
be learned in a number
of different ways. There
are apps, recordings, and,
You’ll be taught a simple
sequence – such as counting
back from 10 to zero, or
imagining walking down a
set of steps. At the same time,
you’ll learn to associate going
through the sequence with

A Self-hypnosis is
the same state
as hypnotherapist-
led hypnosis. The only
difference is that instead of
of course, you can go to
a hypnotherapist to learn
the technique. Effectively,
though, they’re all based on
the same idea.
increasing relaxation and
restfulness. After some time,
you will learn how to do this by
yourself. When this happens,
it’s true self-hypnosis.

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
 Hypnotherapist John’s top tips for a good
night’s sleep:

1. Aim for a consistent eight hours a night, but

don’t worry overly if you fall short one night.
Judge your quality of sleep by how refreshed
you feel, rather than anything your fitness
tracker says.

2. Keep a consistent bedtime routine. Go to bed

and get up at the same time every day, and
don’t try to bank sleep with lie-ins. Not only does
this not work, it disturbs your sleep pattern for
the following night, making things worse.

3. Don’t use alcohol to try to send yourself off,

and don’t spend time before bed on phones or
devices that give out blue light. Use the night-
time filters on them to avoid giving your brain
the daylight signal that it’s time to be awake.

Q I have no One thing that waking in

trouble falling the night can do is turn our
asleep, but I bed into a place where we lie
keep waking in the wishing that we could get back
night. What can I do to sleep. Because we learn
through experience, this can
about this?
quickly create an unhelpful

A Our depth of sleep rises

and falls throughout
the night. Some people
naturally wake in the night
for a short period, in what
is called biphasic sleep.
However, for other people,
waking in the night is a sign
that something is wrong with
their sleep.
association between the bed
and wakefulness.
The rule is that you shouldn’t
lie in bed awake for more than
20 minutes. After this point,
you should get up and go to
another room, and sit quietly, or
read, until you feel like you need
to sleep. Only then do you go
back to bed.
 How to make
meditating easy
Do you struggle to switch off
every time you try to meditate?
Don’t despair. These useful tips
will help you reach a state
of zen in no time
Writing | Claire Munnings

W
e’re led to think that
meditating should
be simple. You just
sit there, relax, and
think of nothing, right? Well, the
truth is a bit more complicated
than that, and many of us can find
it difficult to switch off the internal
chatter in our minds. After all,
meditating encourages us to do
something that we’re not used to.
All day long our brains are working
in overdrive – reminding us to pay
that bill, pick up the shopping and
send those emails – and sitting still
and quiet can feel very alien to us.
And that’s if we even manage to
carve out 15 minutes of our day to
dedicate to it.
So, what’s the answer? Meditation
instructor Carolyne Bennett says
it’s important to stick with your
practice – even if you find it tricky
at first.
“People think that meditating
is challenging for many reasons,
and as a result give up too soon,”
she says. “Perhaps there are too
many distractions around you,
your mind is leaping from one
thing to another, or you convince
yourself that you’re no good at it
and question why you’re doing it in
the first place. But the benefits of
meditation are accumulative, and
the more you sit, the more your

42 • happiful.com • May 2020

mind will become quiet
and peaceful.”
If you need a helping hand, try
one of the below techniques –
they’re ideal for beginners, and
will soon help you to enjoy a sense
of calm.
OPT FOR A GUIDED MEDITATION
These are a beginner’s best
friend. Available on apps such as
Headspace, Calm, and Buddhify,
guided meditations allow you to
tune in to an instructor’s voice,
and follow their directions as they
guide you into a meditative state.
“Our minds love having
something to do, and hearing
a set of soothing instructions
gives you something positive to
focus on,” Carolyne explains.
“Guided meditations provide an
amazing, magical experience
by taking you on a journey. As
with all meditations, if your
mind wanders, remember that’s
OK, because that’s what they’re
designed to do. Once you’ve
become aware that your thoughts
are elsewhere, just bring your
attention back to the guided
meditation, and continue where
you left off.”
COUNT 100 BREATHS
This is an ideal technique to
improve your concentration, and
encourage your mind to be still. It
involves counting down from 100
with each breath until you reach
zero, and allows you to notice the
steady rhythm of your inhalations
and exhalations.
As you try this method, pay
attention to your body’s reaction as
you take in and release air. Notice
the sounds you make, and how it
feels. Breathing is like an anchor
for many of us, and settling into
this practice can ground you, and
create a deep sense of relaxation.
This is also a useful practice if
you’re feeling anxious at any point
in your day – simply counting 10 or
20 breaths can help release stress
quickly and efficiently.
COMPLETE A BODY SCAN
Rather than switching your
brain off completely, this type of
meditation aims to connect your
body and mind together, and put
them in sync. It involves mentally
scanning your body from the top
of your head to the tips of your
toes, slowly paying attention to
the sensations that arise as you
do so, and noticing any areas of
discomfort.
“A body scan meditation is very
restorative and healing, and can
help you to relax at a deep level,”
Carolyne says. “It’s best to try
to stay awake for this, to really
appreciate the benefits, but if you
do nod off then don’t worry.”
USE A TIMER
While seasoned meditators can
come in and out of a meditative
state with ease, and feel confident
in knowing when their session
has naturally come to its end,
beginners often struggle with this
point – this is when an alarm can
be handy. Set a timer for a certain
number of minutes (it doesn’t have
to be long – even five minutes is a
good start) and then relax into your
practice knowing that time won’t
become a distraction.
FOCUS ON YOUR SENSES
As Carolyne tells us, sensory-based
meditations are great for helping
you become aware of the current
moment. “They bring you out of
your head and into the present by
grounding you in your body, and
relaxing your nervous system,”
she says.
Try it yourself by choosing
one of your senses to focus on.
Sound is perhaps one of the most
obvious choices, and you can
easily centre your practice around
some relaxing music, the sounds
of the ocean, or even just a ticking
clock. You can also follow the same
principle with smell (by burning
incense or essential oils), touch (by
holding some fabric in your fingers
or massaging your body with your
hands), or sight (by staring at a
flickering candle).
AND IF YOU’RE STILL
STRUGGLING…
Don’t beat yourself up. Meditation
has many benefits, but it’s a skill
that requires practise and time.
Enjoy the peaceful moments,
and seek extra guidance through
meditation apps or classes.
Claire Munnings is a health and
wellbeing journalist, interested
in helping people find happiness
in their everyday lives. She enjoys
writing about how we can live more
mindfully, and introduce a sense of
calm into our days.
Carolyne Bennett is a certified
meditation and mindfulness instructor,
NLP practitioner, and advanced Law
of Attraction coach. Find out more by
visiting carolynebennett.com
May 2020 • happiful.com • 43
 WORKING IT OUT
Energy and personality are two words that spring to mind when you think of
Davina McCall. From Streetmate to Long Lost Family, she’s got a natural talent
for connecting people, starting conversations, and more recently championing
exercise and encouraging us all to make the most of what we’ve got.

Davina’s passions extend way beyond her long list of career highlights though,
and – as she shares with Happiful – they include bringing the ‘Glastonbury of
Wellbeing’ to the UK, embracing her inner child, and living life to the fullest

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

E
very generation seems to
know, and love, Davina
McCall. She’s one of just a
handful of public figures
who have such a broad appeal,
and no wonder – she’s been a
regular fixture on our screens
for more than 20 years, bringing
warmth, a little goofiness, and
a large dollop of authenticity to
every project she’s involved in.
Whether she’s raising money for
Sport Relief, supporting reunited
siblings on Long Lost Family, or
busting moves on The Masked
Singer, Davina gives it her all.
Alongside her stellar television
career, she’s also been shaking
things up in homes up and down
the country since 2004 with her
exercise DVDs and online fitness
programmes. Sharing is most
definitely caring for Davina, and
it all began, she explains, when
she met husband-and-wife fitness
duo, Mark and Jackie Wren.
“I started making exercise
DVDs because Jackie and Mark
changed my life,” she says. “And
I thought: ‘I want to share that!’
The idea that through doing
something I love, and that makes
me feel better, that I can maybe
help other people do something
that will make them feel better, is
just lovely.”
The emphasis on the mood-
changing effect of exercise is
central to everything for Davina,
and she tries to incorporate it
wherever she can, including
when she’s out with her beloved
dog. “In the summers, I run with
Beau, and she loves it, but it’s so
muddy at the moment it’s just
turned into a really brisk walk,”
she says. “But having a dog is
amazing for my mental health
and motivation, because she
doesn’t care if it’s raining, she’s
just got to go out!”
However, Davina understands
that getting up and outside isn’t
always as straightforward as
that, especially when you are
struggling mentally. “Exercise
should never be a stick to beat
yourself with,” she explains. “I
know when you’ve got low self-
esteem, everything is a stick to
beat yourself with, and it’s so easy
to turn working out and food into
something to give yourself a hard
time about.”
Exercise should
never be a stick to
beat yourself with
Her answer to this issue is to
practise self-compassion and start
small, but to harness the proven
benefits of being out in the open.
It’s a method she’s used herself
time and again. “When I’ve felt a
bit low, and particularly in winter
– I find those cold dark mornings
really hard – just getting outside,
even if I’m only walking around
the block, really helps.” >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 45

 I don’t have
mental health
struggles now.
I did before I
got clean
It’s almost difficult to believe
that someone with the fitness
levels Davina has, could ever
struggle with motivation. But that
is, she says, one of the biggest
misconceptions about her.
However, she swears by the advice
her friend and trainer Jackie gave
her years ago, which is to do some
form of movement three times
a week to keep physically and
mentally healthy.
Davina continually champions
the importance of supporting
our brains as well as our bodies
with exercise. “I think my interest
in the mind comes from my
recovery,” she reflects, referring now. I did before I got clean, that’s deep philosophical chat, and she’s
to the drug addiction she lived why I used drugs.” very opinionated, which I love,”
through in her late teens and early Davina feels “so blessed” that she Davina says.
20s. “You know, getting clean and has been able to gain, and use, the She says that having teenage
going to Narcotics Anonymous 12-step knowledge, and says that children means that she continues
meetings. she regularly contemplates how to to learn and grow through their
“At NA we follow a programme deliver the programme’s benefits experiences and reactions to
– there’s 12 steps – and I’ve to the wider public. “It helped me, the world. “I learned something
wondered a lot about how and and it still helps me lead a better really amazing from all of my
why that works. It’s sort of trained life,” she says seriously. three kids actually,” she continues,
me how to live...” Davina pauses. Holly, Davina’s oldest daughter, smiling. “Which was not to be so
“I say that I don’t really have seems to have inherited her mum’s judgemental of other people! I
mental health struggles, but I curiosity about the mind, and how always used to say: ‘But why are
don’t have mental health struggles humans connect. “She loves a they doing that, or putting that

46 • happiful.com • May 2020


into their faces at 18?’ My kids
would reply: ‘If they want to do it,
they can do it, don’t be so judgy!’
That’s a really great lesson that
they’ve taught me.”
Davina’s honest and open-
book approach to life’s lessons is
refreshing, and is perhaps one of
the reasons she’s so popular. She’s
relatable, and avoids airbrushing
her ups, downs, moods, and
mistakes. She’s the mate many of
us would love to have.
Recently, Davina has shared even
more of her own experiences
and recommendations on her
chatty podcast ‘Making the Cut’,
co-hosted by long-term friend,
hairdresser, and now partner,
Michael Douglas. It’s clearly a
project that brings her great joy.
“We’ve been doing this for 20
years, chatting about stuff, and you
can hear what we’re like,” she says,
and bursts out laughing. “Even
things like a sofa, we can turn into
a massive philosophical debate!”
Having the ability to chat about
everything from big life ideas to
the consistency of KFC gravy, is so
important for Davina. “I need all
my senses,” she enthuses. “I don’t
want to be all serious, all exercise,
all good eating, and a nun! I want
to break out, I want to go clubbing,
to listen to loud music. I want to
laugh and cry...” Davina draws in a
deep breath. “I really feel like I’m
at a stage where I want to live life
to the max.”
A picture she posted online
earlier this year reminds her to
continually embrace every part
of her, and all of these needs.
In it, a young girl stands, arms
outstretched, laughing and soaked
by the rain, with the caption
‘Remember her? She’s still there…
inside you… waiting. Let’s go and
get her.’
“I’m always thinking about that
child in me, and how I shouldn’t
ignore her,” Davina says. “I
remember to have fun.”
Davina’s desire to feel and
spread joy, her love of exercise
and being outdoors, all look set
to come together this year as
she brings WellFest, an amazing
wellbeing event, to the UK.
After experiencing the festival
atmosphere first-hand last year,
For more information about
Wellfest visit wellfestuk.com
she instinctively knew it was
something she wanted to be
involved in.
“When I went to WellFest in
Ireland, I suddenly got a glimpse
of what it must be like to play
Glastonbury! There’s this really
amazing feeling, seeing everybody
moving in unison to music, doing
something that we all love, and
all for the same reason – to feel
better.
“To look out from the stage and
see mums, dads, kids and grannies
all together and really enjoying
something, it’s so special.”
The bubbling excitement Davina
has become so well-known for is
at its peak when she talks about
Wellfest. She’s hugely passionate
about the event and she hints at
some of the people who look set
to be leading classes and talking
across the weekend. It sounds
like a great line-up and she urges
everyone to check out the website
for the latest additions.
Davina also hopes that she
can encourage people who are
currently struggling to start
exercising, to head down and
enjoy the event’s friendly and
supportive atmosphere. “Coming
to something like Wellfest is an
amazing idea. Be brave and try a
new, huge workout with thousands
of people.”
“That’s what I’d say to someone
who is struggling,” she concludes.
“Or just start some kind of outdoor
movement, because exercise is
the greatest gift you can give your
body and your brain, and it will
change your mindset.”
May 2020 • happiful.com • 47
 The dream team
Co-sleeping is something that, for
many of us, comes hand-in-hand with
long-term relationships. But what if it’s
not working for you? With help from a
relationship counsellor, we learn how to
make sleeping in the same bed as your
partner as easy as a dream, and
explore the option of going your
separate ways
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Sleeping apart has brought Clio Wood and her husband closer

48 • happiful.com • May 2020

 S
Photography | Ocean Taylor
haring a bed can often feel
like a relationship rite of
passage. But co-sleeping
isn’t always easy. From
temperature preferences, pillow
stacks, tossing and turning, to
noise complaints, when it comes
to finding the balance we need in
order to get a good night’s sleep,
we’ve got a lot to contend with.
And putting sleep first is vital for
our relationships, as counsellor
and psychotherapist Katerina
Georgiou explains. “Poor sleep
might make us grumpy, irritable,
or accident-prone. If left to
get worse, we can make poor
judgements, mistakes, and easily
snap at others. So it’s no surprise
that those around us will end up
bearing the brunt of that, leaving
our relationships affected.”
Of course, we need sleep to
function – whether we’re in a
relationship or not – but Katerina
points out that when we’re sleep-
deprived, we may find ourselves
getting upset about things that
wouldn’t normally faze us, or
having arguments with our
partners, and saying things that
we don’t really mean.
So how can we find equilibrium
when co-sleeping with a partner?
For Katerina, it’s about coming
at it from two angles. “You will
both require sleep to function.
Therefore, how can you help each
other get the sleep you both need?
What can you negotiate together?
Will it require sleeping in separate
rooms on certain days, or a few
simple tweaks – like having
separate duvets?” she says. “And is
it just sleep you need, or a break
in general? Consider other tasks
in the home that can be shared
and delegated to help you feel less
exhausted in the first place.”
You could also try finding a
bedtime that works for both of
you – ideally when both will fall
asleep within 30 minutes – and, if
possible, have as big a bed as your
room will allow.
There are many ways that you
can try to remedy co-sleeping
problems, but if you do decide to
break with tradition and go your
separate ways, you’ll be in good
company. A new survey from the
National Bed Federation has found
that nearly one in six (15%) of
UK couples are now choosing to
sleep separately, with 89% of those
people moving into their own
bedrooms.
Nearly one in six
UK couples are
now choosing to
sleep separately
Clio Wood, women’s health
advocate and founder of family
wellbeing company &Breathe,
has been with her husband for
12 years, and in autumn last year
they decided to move into separate
bedrooms.
“We’d not been sleeping well
for a number of years, so it was a
build-up of stress and exhaustion,”
she explains. “In autumn 2019
we began initiating separate beds
from the beginning of the night
– rather than just giving up in the
small hours and moving beds then
– and since the beginning of 2020
we’ve done it more consistently.”
It’s a tricky conversation to have,
particularly when balancing fear
about a lack of intimacy, and
the idea that married and long-
term partners should sleep in
the same bed together. For Clio, it
was her husband who initiated the
conversation.
“And actually, I was a bit miffed!”
she says. “We’ve been schooled
on the societal assumption that
we sleep in the same bed if we’re
married. When we were doing it
non-consistently, you can ignore
it – but doing it regularly, I took it as
a rejection, when really all he was
doing was suggesting a sensible way
forward for us.”
As with all aspects of relationships,
communication is key, and when
we learn how to calmly and
compassionately express how we’re
feeling, we’re all the more likely to
be able to address our needs in a
constructive and deliberate way.
Since making the move, and
reflecting on the way that it has
affected her sleep, Clio muses that
it’s not perfect, but it’s better.
“For both of us, it’s been a long
journey, and there are lots of factors
at play,” she explains. “But having
the pressure removed of the other
person lying next to you, trying not
to disturb each other, is a complete
gamechanger.”
Oh, and being able to starfish
and arrange the covers and pillows
perfectly is a huge bonus, she says.
But whether you decide to change
things up or stick it out, one
thing’s for sure: it’s about time we
started prioritising what we need
between the sheets. When we get
a good night’s sleep, we’re better
partners. And when we’re happy
in our relationships, everything
else in our lives runs a little more
smoothly. So, whether that’s
separate beds, or just separate
duvets of different togs, don’t settle
for tossing and turning. Open the
conversation, and kiss bedroom
disputes goodnight.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 49
 Photography | Eddie Howell

“ If I cannot do great
things, I can do small
things in a great way
– MARTIN LUTHER KING JR
50 • happiful.com • May 2020
BREAKING
THE HABIT
It’s easy to focus on the negatives and what’s wrong with our behaviours, but to
ensure real, lasting change, perhaps it’s time to allow kindness to lead the way...
Writing | Shahroo Izadi
I
t’s natural to give a lot of
thought to the negatives of
our habits – after all, they’re
often the reason we want to
change. But focusing on how our
behaviour patterns are serving us
to stay the same, can help us to
gain far more useful insight.
It can be helpful to reframe a
habit that’s become a problem for
you as a solution, instead. That
way, you can not only understand
(with compassion and forgiveness)
why you’re finding it so difficult to
change, but you can also consider
what other habits you’d like to
introduce, that could do a similar
job for you.
As a behaviour change specialist,
one scenario I’ve seen a lot is
when someone isn’t happy with
their habit of drinking a couple of
glasses of wine in an evening, and
beats themself up for not having
changed, despite knowing it’s not
good for their health. Instead of
imposing punitive, harsh new
drinking rules, which rely on you
staying motivated to avoid the
negatives, I instead recommend
first asking yourself why you’re
drinking it in the first place?
Consider how it serves you, or has
served you in the past. You might
identify that it helps you to mark
the end of a working day, or serves
to release stress in the short-term.
Without judgement, consider
what other long-term coping
strategies could help with stress,
and practise turning to those more
frequently instead. >>>
May 2020 • happiful.com • 51
 Doing difficult things is easier when
you feel capable, strong, and positive.
So do the things that make you feel
capable, strong and positive

If you’re looking to change

an ingrained habit, here are
six tips to help you take a more
compassionate, and successful,
approach.

1 TAKE YOUR LIFE OFF ‘HOLD’

So many of us have got into the
habit of deciding that we’ll wait
to be kinder to ourselves as a
reward, once we’ve achieved
our goals. Working with people
who want to change their eating
habits especially, I’ve learned
that it’s very common for them to
think: ‘I’ll book that holiday/wear
bright colours/go on dates/ask
for that pay rise once I’ve tackled
this.’ Our worthiness to believe in
ourselves has nothing to do with
achieving specific goals. Overall,
self-kindness, self-care, and
self-belief should be something
we feel we deserve, without any
conditions. Plus, starting to be
kinder to ourselves regardless of
goals actually makes them easier
to achieve. Whatever the habit,
making changes is difficult. Doing
difficult things is easier when you
feel capable, strong, and positive.
So do the things that make you feel
capable, strong, and positive!

2 TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE

I’ve heard a lot of people describe
themselves as ‘all or nothing’ types,
who treat a blip from any plan as
a catastrophe. They can be doing
really well for weeks, staying ‘on

52 • happiful.com • May 2020

track’ with their new behaviours,
and as soon as they deviate from
the plan, they throw in the towel.
Before they know it, they’re back
where they started. They tell
themselves that they’ve ‘blown
it’ now, and can’t start again until
Monday. Yet, if someone they cared
for asked them for advice after
deviating from a plan of change,
they’d encourage them to treat the
blip as temporary, and get back on
track. If you can give kind, sensible,
and useful advice to others, you can
give it to yourself, too!
3 DO IT YOUR WAY
Make your plans work for you,
in order to create the path of
least resistance when making
changes. If, for example, you want
to integrate exercise into your
routine, but you hate gyms and
early mornings, then stop signing
up for gym memberships and
classes at dawn. What works for
someone else, won’t necessarily
be the best path for you. Explore
other activities that you don’t mind
doing after work, and hopefully
might even enjoy. First, set
yourself initial challenges that are
difficult enough to make you feel
proud of yourself, but realistic and
bespoke enough to your real life
that you don’t doubt your capacity
to see them through.
4 SPEAK TO YOURSELF
LIKE SOMEONE YOU WANT
TO SUCCEED
Often when we’re embarking on
a plan of change, we’re fed up
with ourselves and the fact we
haven’t changed yet. It’s common
(especially in the initial stages
when things can get tough), to
speak to ourselves in the complete
opposite way to how we’d speak
to someone else if our task was to
encourage them.
When I first started delivering
workshops on self-talk, I would
often ask attendees to think about
the difference between the way
they speak to a loved one, and the
way they speak to themselves,
when something difficult needs
to get done. This helped them to
check-in with their inner dialogue,
and learn the value of rooting for
themselves lovingly.
But the exercise works even if you
had to motivate someone you didn’t
like at all! If you wanted them to do
well, you’d still speak to them in a
motivational, encouraging, positive
manner. You’d remind them of
their capacity, especially when
they’re finding it hardest, and give
them the kind of upbeat, positive
feedback that you know is helpful.
The next time you realise you’re
beating yourself up in any area of
your life, ask yourself: 1) Is this
how I’d speak to someone else?;
and 2) Is this the kind of soundtrack
that helps anyone to achieve a
difficult goal?
5 TREAT YOURSELF, IN EVERY
POSSIBLE WAY, LIKE A LOVED ONE
Try one week of making decisions
for yourself throughout each day,
that you’d want someone you love
to make for themself. You may
well notice so many opportunities
to make your body and your
environment a little bit better – from
drinking more water, to getting
more air, forgiving yourself for a
work-blip more quickly, or making
the kinds of choices for yourself that
you’ll be happy you made tomorrow.
Instead of just isolating one
habit you’d like to change, you
may notice that you’re more
inclined to pepper self-care and
self-kindness throughout your day,
as an investment in your overall
wellbeing and quality of life. Not
only do you deserve to treat – and
speak to – yourself like someone
you love, but you’ll be reinforcing
that you matter, your goals matter,
and you’ll create an inner and outer
world, where acts of unkindness
are the ones that stick out.
6 REMEMBER HOW CAPABLE
YOU REALLY ARE
Make a list of everything you’ve done
in your life that has demonstrated
your capacity – every example of
when you’ve achieved a goal, done
something difficult, or got through
a challenge. Write it all down in one
place, and when you’re finished,
take a photo of it to keep on your
phone. The next time you’re faced
with a challenge during your plan
of change, commit to looking at it
and telling yourself: ‘This may be
difficult, but I can do difficult things.’
Shahroo is a behavioural change
specialist, who started her training
in the NHS, and later worked for the
charity Turning Point – which provides
substance-misuse treatment – before
setting up her own practice, and writing
books on habit-change. To find out
more, visit shahrooizadi.co.uk
May 2020 • happiful.com • 53
 On the scent
Our sense of smell is a powerful neurological vehicle. With the ability to invigorate, inspire,
soothe, and stimulate us, scent has been used throughout history to target our mood and
state of mind – and now, cosmetics retailer Lush is bringing it back with their latest spa
treatment, inspired by the Renaissance belief that perfume has the ability to heal us. To
find out more, Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler put her nose to the wind as she headed to Lush
Oxford Street, London, to sample ‘Renaissance: a meditation on fragrance’

W
ellness is on the rise.
Everywhere we look,
new and innovative
treatments are
springing up – each promising
to be the next big thing,
transporting us to a whole other
level of wellbeing, and acting as
the cure for our busy, stressful,
overstimulated, modern lives.
But with their latest treatment,
Lush is pressing rewind on
wellness – taking us back 700
years to the Renaissance period.
A time full of light, colour, and
creativity, this treatment takes
inspiration from a culture that
used perfume as a medicine
– promising to soothe our
temperaments, aches, and
pains. Pitched as ‘meditation for
those who don’t think they can
meditate’, I was keen to see what
this intriguing, bespoke treatment
could deliver for me.
I arrived at busy Lush Oxford
Street, London, and was swiftly
guided to the treatment area
by one of the many friendly
members of staff, where I sat
down at a table opposite my
therapist. In front of me was a
printed cloth which was divided
into four sections: hope, purpose,
belonging, and mastery. I was
asked to read the characteristics
under each category, reflect on the
past three months to a year of my
life, and chose the one that I felt
most connected to. For me, it was
‘belonging’.
From this, my therapist then
sprayed two scents on my wrists,
asking me to let her know which
one most stood out to me. It was
this scent that would form the base-
note of my treatment.
I was then led into a candle-
lit treatment room, where I got
partially undressed and made
myself comfortable on a heated
towel bed, that had been scented
with the fragrance that I had
picked. After switching on some
music – specially commissioned
for this particular treatment – the
experience began.
To begin, my therapist walked
around my body, placing her hands
on my arms and legs in turn,
reciting an affirmation relating
to my theme of belonging. The
massage, which focused on the
neck and shoulders, was done with
As the scents continued
to layer, I felt as though
they were trickling into
my nervous system
solid perfume blocks which were
cool – a welcome and invigorating
contrast to the heated towel bed.
The therapist’s touch was light,
focusing on relaxing my muscles
and mind rather than working
out tension. And as the music
and scents intensified, I found
myself moving deeper into the
meditation. I’m no mindfulness
master – in fact, switching off and
letting go is something that I often
struggle with during treatments –
but the combination of the scent,
the music, and the warm positive
affirmations from my therapist,
were more than enough to
transport me into a soothing state.
As the scents continued to layer,
I felt as though they were trickling
into my nervous system, balancing
me, and prompting me to let
go of stresses and, importantly,
embrace a sense of ‘belonging’.
The music seemed to reach a
climax, the movements of the

54 • happiful.com • May 2020

 Try this at home

Scents can have an incredible effect on our state

of mind, and can be used to soothe our mood,
and guide our wellbeing. Find out more about
aromatherapy and essential oils on our Happiful app.

massage matching the pace, everywhere at

before quietening down, finishing
with a final affirmation.
I didn’t want to open my eyes – in
that moment I felt incredibly still,
yet also so clear. But when I did,
after getting dressed, I was led
to another part of the spa where
I was served smoking tea made
with my scent – a final note that
lingered along with the smell of
the perfume that was on my skin.
The truth is, everyone loves
personalisation – and treatments
promising to be ‘bespoke’ are
the moment.
That said, it’s
not easy to get
this right. But, from the detailed
talk prior to the massage, to the
way that the therapist responds
and moves with your body, Lush is
hitting the mark.
In a time when the wellness
industry is under so much
pressure to evolve to deliver bigger
and better treatments than ever
before, it feels appropriate to look
to our history for inspiration.
Lush’s Renaissance massage
embraces a culture where
wellbeing was seen as key to our
health. And if you ask me, it’s
about time.
The Lush Renaissance Spa Treatment
(£75, 40 minutes) is available in all
Lush Spas. Head to uk.lush.com to
find out more.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 55

 Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair, Grace Victory | Paul Buller
I am. I have
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SHAHROO IZADI GRACE VICTORY

MEGAN CRABBE FIONA LAMB

• Listen • Like • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Shahroo Izadi, Grace Victory, Megan Crabbe,
Fiona Lamb, and many others who share their passions,
and reveal the moments that shaped them.
 Strong
Mentality
From truly traumatic circumstances, Dan Cross found a way to create a
supportive, safe space for men to come together and grieve
T
he 20-strong group of
men had hiked for eight
hours to reach Snowdon’s
summit, moving every
step of the nine miles as one,
travelling only as fast as the
slowest. Teamwork at its finest.
Finally, at the top, the walkers
took a moment to take in the
awe-inspiring view, and celebrate
their achievement: fulfilling the
physical feat of the 3,560ft climb
and – many for the first time –
overcoming emotional barriers
guarding their innermost feelings
of grief.
Every two-day expedition hosted
by StrongMen, a UK charity
dedicated to supporting bereaved
men, sees participants start out
as strangers, and finish as firm
Writing | Gemma Calvert
friends, bonded by a mutual
understanding of loss.
Studies show that men find it
harder to talk about grief than
women, with many resorting
to ‘grief aversion’ to circumvent
pain and live up to masculine
ideals. Research suggests men
often build a fake emotional
image that conveys ‘strength’,
but such avoidance behaviour
only makes depression more
likely. It can also lead to physical
health complications, a reality
understood by StrongMen co-
founder Dan Cross, whose wife
Nikki was murdered in May 2015.
“Physical pain is not something
you think of as bereavement,
but I was in pain physically all
the time, with crippling stomach
aches and headaches,” explains
the IT specialist, who appeared on
the 2018 series of Channel 4’s SAS:
Who Dares Wins. Last September,
he launched StrongMen with
fellow contestant Efrem Brynin, a
sales director from West Sussex,
whose son James was killed in
Afghanistan in October 2013.
“With StrongMen, our motto
is ‘healthy body, healthy mind’
because the two are linked and if
you don’t look after one, the other
one will suffer,” explains Dan.
Last year, across two StrongMen
retreats, a total of 40 men who
had experienced the loss of a
spouse, child, parent, or sibling,
reaped the psychological and
physiological benefits of climbing
a mountain together. >>>
May 2020 • happiful.com • 57

Dan and wife Alex on their wedding day in September 2019
“It’s a metaphor for what we’re
facing; it’s a physical challenge
but relates to the emotional
challenges, too,” says Dan. “We
talk all the way up the mountain,
and that’s where the barriers start
to come down. Everyone’s sharing
their experiences, because they
feel the person they’re opening up
to really understands them.
“StrongMen is an abbreviation
of StrongMentality. Strength is
knowing yourself, and knowing
when you need to ask for support,
and getting it.”
The idea for the charity was
born during Dan’s months of
recovery after Nikki was stabbed
by an intruder to the family
home, while Dan was working
away. Heartbreakingly, Dan was
on the phone to his wife as she
58 • happiful.com • May 2020
died trying to protect her children,
Stanley and Isabella, then six and
three. He listened down the line
as Nikki fell silent before Stanley
began pleading for his mummy to
wake. Dan has since battled anxiety,
depression, and PTSD.
“I was getting flashbacks every 10,
15 or 20 minutes, hearing Nikki’s
screams. It felt like she was in the
room with me,” explains Dan. “I
couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t go
outside, because I was worried
somebody was going to attack us.
I feared the kids were going to be
damaged for life. My mind was
going 10 years in the future, 10 years
in the past – I couldn’t control any of
my thoughts. It was a living hell.”
Six months after Nikki died, Dan’s
GP recommended he return to the
gym – a pastime he lost passion
Strength is
knowing yourself,
and knowing
when you need to
ask for support,
and getting it
for following the tragedy – to
help release a build-up of stress
hormones, which was causing
him physical pain. Dan also had
trauma counselling, which taught
him mindfulness techniques to
cope with panic attacks, such
as focusing on and describing
objects, as well as repeatedly
narrating the event in detail.
“I had to write it down, read
it out, say it over and over,
because eventually you become
desensitised to it,” he says. “It’s
just something you’re able to talk
about, and I do talk about it now.”
Another positive came in the
form of road-running with friends,

when Dan would inadvertently
offload his feelings. Then one
year after the tragedy, Dan began
volunteering for Victim Support,
and during his training met family
members of other murder victims,
who he instantly “connected with”.
By the time Dan travelled to
Morocco two years ago, to film
SAS: Who Dares Wins, his idea for
StrongMen was well-formulated,
and he shared his thoughts with
ex-Special Forces soldier and show
co-host Matthew ‘Ollie’ Ollerton,
who said the plan “had legs”.
Now Ollie, and presenter-turned
qualified life coach Jeff Brazier,
are ambassadors for the charity,
which launched thanks to £10,000
of Lottery funding. This year, using
£50,000 donated by well-wishers,
four retreats are on the cards, and
the aim is to roll out eight more in
2021, building up to 20 annually.
More than 750 men are currently
on the waiting list.
Crucially, participants don’t stop
benefiting from StrongMen once
their walking boots are unlaced.
“We have a post-weekend care
plan,” says Dan. “We set up a
WhatsApp group so everyone can
chat and share photographs. If
somebody’s having a bad day, all
StrongMen groups support
people through grief
the lads rally around
them. If there’s an
anniversary, it’s an
opportunity to help
each other from
afar. It creates a
support network
that carries on.”
Before Nikki died,
Dan admits he was a “closed book”,
especially around the children.
Today, thanks to counselling and
since meeting his new partner, Alex
Wells, a children’s mental health
physician who he married last
September, he speaks proudly of
how far he has come emotionally.
“I’m a more rounded person.
I know myself better, and I’m
stronger for knowing my limits,
mentally and emotionally. I feel
when I’m getting tense, when
something’s bothering me, and I
know the right time to offload that.”
As for how he’s supported Stanley
and Isabella, now 10 and eight, Dan
admits he has largely been led by
his “gut”, but says Alex’s input as
both a healthcare professional and
a woman who cares deeply for his
children, has been invaluable.
“She can recognise quickly when
the children are slipping into a
down period. It helps a great deal.
Dan on ‘SAS: Who
Dares Wins’ in 2018
We’ve got pictures and memory
books – things to keep memories
of Nikki alive. One of the key
things was me showing emotion
in front of the kids, so when I was
sad, I’d cry in front of them. It’s
about giving them the confidence
to know their emotions are OK,
and to let out how they feel.”
For Dan, who also founded
Nikki’s Wishes, a charity providing
days out for bereaved families in
Hertfordshire, his “never-ending”
journey of grief is undoubtedly
helped by StrongMen.
“To see the idea grow into an
actual charity that’s leading to an
improvement in people is a great
feeling,” he says. “Grief is hard to
control and understand, so having
people around you that have
your back when you reach those
moments, that’s vital.”
Find out more at strongmen.org.uk
May 2020 • happiful.com • 59
 The truth about
insomnia
More than just a
restless night, insomnia
is a sleep disorder that
can deeply impact
a person’s life. Here,
Sassy Smith reveals
what it’s really like to
experience insomnia
first-hand...

I
t’s 4am and I’m lying in bed
sobbing, listening to my
husband snoring gently beside
me, and trying to resist the urge
to pinch or elbow him, just so that
he’s awake too. At this moment,
even though I know that it is
completely irrational, I hate him.
I’m angry, frustrated, and anxious,
and I just want to shout: “How dare
you be asleep. It’s so unfair. Wake
up! Wake up! Wake up!”
But I don’t. Instead I bury my face
into my pillow and sob silently,
my eyes fixated on the glowing
numbers of my alarm clock. The
numbers that have been taunting
me since 1am, and will continue to
do so until I finally give up and get
out of bed at 6am.
It’s the summer of 2017, and
in the past six months I’ve gone
from being a solid eight-hours-a-
night sleeper to getting less than
three hours at best. I’m feeling
exhausted, stressed, snappy, and
permanently on the verge of tears
– and I have no idea why this is
happening to me.

60 • happiful.com • May 2020

All the issues from my waking day would
rush into my head, and my anxiety levels
would rise. I was stuck in a cycle and
couldn’t seem to find a way out
In the early stages of my
insomnia I just thought that
maybe I wasn’t tired enough,
so I would force myself to do
some high-intensity exercise
before bed. I thought that
maybe if I could physically
wear myself out, I’d be so
exhausted I wouldn’t wake up.
But it didn’t work.
I quit coffee, but that made no
difference at all. If anything,
it just made me even more
grumpy, because I was denying
myself something I love.
I tried having a couple of
glasses of wine in the evening,
hoping that the alcohol would
knock me out, but that only
gave me a headache, and meant
that when I did wake up, I had
a raging thirst.
I read somewhere that
getting up out of bed and doing
something else, like cleaning or
reading a book, would help but
it absolutely didn’t.
Finally, I tried sleeping
tablets, but they just made me
feel unpleasantly groggy, and a
little bit sick.
Once I was awake, the biggest
problem was getting my mind
to quieten down. It felt like my
eyes opening was a cue to send
my brain into overdrive, and
for the whirring thought loops
to start up. All the issues from
my waking day would rush into
my head, and my anxiety levels
would rise. I was stuck in a cycle
and couldn’t seem to find a way out.
It wasn’t until I started training
to become a coach in the early
part of 2018, that I finally had an
insight into what was happening to
me. Looking back, I can see how
easily it happened and how my
life, biology, and circumstances
had created the perfect insomnia
storm.
I was going through an incredibly
stressful time at work; I was
desperately unhappy and very
anxious. My brain was constantly
filled with negative self-talk, and
I would replay situations and
conversations over and over on
constant loops. I had also started
to develop night sweats, and I
could feel that my hormones were
all over the place.
This combination of
stress, anxiety, and being
perimenopausal meant that my
cortisol levels were off the chart.
I’d heard of cortisol, and thought
it was just a stress-related fight or
flight response. I had no idea that
our bodies need it for so many
other things, or that it’s naturally
involved in the waking up process.
I learnt that our cortisol
levels should be at zero around
midnight, start to increase two
to three hours after the onset of
sleep, and then steadily increase
until there’s enough in our system
to wake us up. Because I was going
to bed physically and mentally
stressed, my cortisol levels were
through the roof and never
dropped to the zero point. That
meant that by 1am I already had
enough in my body to naturally
wake me up. Once awake, my
brain would whirr and I’d get upset
about being awake, which would
cause another release of cortisol
and… well you can guess the rest.
To stop the cycle, I started
learning how to manage my stress.
Every night before bed, I would
get my journal out and dump
my thoughts into it, literally just
putting pen to paper and writing
whatever came into my head.
Clearing out my thoughts each day
was a really great help, and I was
able to use it to make sense of the
things that were subconsciously
worrying me. I also started to
meditate, and used deep breathing
techniques to bring my cortisol
levels down. It didn’t happen
immediately, but by using these
methods to calm my body and my
brain, my sleep improved, and I
am now back to getting seven to
eight hours a night.
Although everyone is different,
if you’re also struggling to get a
good night’s sleep, deep breathing,
meditation, and journaling before
bed worked for me and I would
really recommend it if you’re also
suffering with insomnia, too.
Fingers crossed for some sweet
dreams soon.
Sassy Smith is a person-centred coach,
who specialises in supporting busy
professionals who are suffering from
stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, and
in helping them to bring balance
to their lives and rediscover joy
cloudlesscoaching.com
May 2020 • happiful.com • 61
 Coronavirus:
8 ways to help
yourself and others
As both the news, and our lives, become
dominated by the ongoing situation
with coronavirus, we explore how you
can help yourself – and others – while
protecting your mental health
Writing | Kat Nicholls
W
hen something like
a virus outbreak
happens, it’s easy
for us to feel like we
don’t have any control, and this
allows anxiety to flourish. While
the measures being implemented
are to protect us and to try to
keep us safe, isolation can have a
dramatic impact on our mental
health as well.
But while the wider situation
may be out of our hands, we
can take back control through
the ways we can help – and that
includes taking care of your
mental wellbeing, and looking
out for those who may be more
vulnerable.
Here we look at some ways you
can regain a sense of control, ease
anxiety in this difficult time, and
support others.
62 • happiful.com • May 2020
1. SWITCH OFF NOTIFICATIONS
AND TUNE INTO OFFICIAL
INFORMATION
As with many things that get
picked up in the news, there is
a lot of misinformation about
coronavirus. It can be easy to
get sucked into these articles,
clicking on link after link until
your head is swimming with
panic-inducing headlines.
If you have news notifications
set up, and you’re finding they
are triggering anxiety, switch
them off. Try to limit yourself
to only reading information
from official sources such as
the NHS and Public Health
England. If you’re not UK-based,
take a look at the World Health
Organization and the Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention
for updates.
2. SPRING CLEAN YOUR SOCIAL
Sometimes it isn’t news outlets that
trigger our anxiety, but the people
in our social media feeds that have
us worried. Perhaps you follow
someone who is sharing unofficial
news updates, or someone who is
talking about it in a way that feels
uncomfortable to you?
Whatever the reason, remember
there’s no shame in unfollowing,
or even temporarily muting,
someone from your feed. Focus on
following uplifting accounts that
make you feel calm and in control.
3. ASK BEFORE ANALYSING
With a subject as topical as
coronavirus, many of us will
find ourselves talking about
it constantly – with those in
our households, and on every
FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom call.

Although we might want to be
kept informed, sometimes this
can become overwhelming. It’s
hard to know how the person
we’re speaking to is feeling about
the situation, and whether or not
talking about it will trigger anxiety
in them.
Before you start a conversation,
check in with the person you’re
talking to about it. Are they
comfortable having a discussion,
or would they rather you talked
about something else? Similarly,
be sure to share your own
boundaries around the subject if
you’re finding it tough to listen to.
4. TRY TO UNDERSTAND
OPPOSING POINTS OF VIEWS
We all react to news like this
differently, and rather than
turning on each other, being kind
and offering alternatives can be
more productive. Remember,
we’re all human and are doing
the best we can with the tools
we’ve got. However you are
feeling is valid, and it’s important
to give space to those feelings –
frustration, fear, sadness, anxiety,
anger. Some people might even
find joy in spending more time
with their family, and holding on
to those special moments and
memories is good, too.
5. SHOP MINDFULLY,
SHOP LOCALLY
According to Alastair George,
Investment Strategist at Edison
Investment Research, it’s fear
rather than the coronavirus that
may be the UK economy’s biggest
enemy. You may have noticed a
lot of shops are being emptied of
However you are
feeling is valid,
and it’s important
to give space to
those feelings
their supplies, and while it’s easy to
understand how fear is driving this
behaviour, try to only buy what you
need, and shop locally where you
can. It’s small businesses that are
most likely to be affected and who
will need your ongoing support.
6. BE AWARE OF WHO
YOU CAN HELP
If you know of anyone who may be
struggling to get what they need,
whether that’s information, health
supplies or someone to talk to, see
if there’s any way you can help.
Consider older people who
may not be online or those with
pre-existing conditions who are
unable to make a trip to the shops.
Perhaps drop a note with your
mobile number through people’s
letterboxes, offering support if you
can, or signposting others who can
support them.
7. CONSIDER WHERE A
CHANGE TO BEHAVIOUR
COULD BE POSITIVE
It can be hard to see positives in
a situation like this, but it may
be helpful to consider how the
changes we’re making due to
the outbreak could have positive
implications. For example, China
banned wildlife trade nationwide
in January due to the coronavirus
outbreak. Positive change can
come from difficult situations. >>>
May 2020 • happiful.com • 63

PROTECTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
WHILE ISOLATING
In her article ‘Coronavirus anxiety,
isolation, treatment – the emotional
impact’, counsellor Karin Sieger includes
the following recommendations:
• Ensure that you create a realistic and
helpful daily routine, and stick to it.
• Have regular times for getting up and
going to bed, as well as meal times.
• Have fresh air if you can open windows,
or have a safe outdoor space.
• Do keep in touch with others digitally, and
keep connected.
• Keep a journal.
• Set yourself tasks and goals.
• Look at the time you have as an
opportunity to learn a new skill.
64 • happiful.com • May 2020
Additionally, there has been a
drop in air pollution levels across
numerous countries, and the
waters in Venice are the clearest
they’ve been in 60 years, and
wildlife is returning – including
fish, swans, and even dolphins.
8. SEEK HELP
Whether you already have a
condition like health anxiety or
OCD that’s being triggered by the
news, or you’re simply finding
your mental health is being
affected, know that support is still
out there. A lot of counsellors offer
online or telephone sessions – you
can find more than 12,000 on our
Happiful app.
If you’re worried about the
financial implications of the
ongoing situation, know that there
are a lot of new policies in place to
help, including mortgage holidays,
protection for renters, furlough,
statutory sick pay from day one,
and many other initiatives. While
this doesn’t completely solve
the burden for many people, if
you need more advice, please
visit moneysavingexpert.com or
citizensadvice.org.uk.
You may also want to look into
support groups and helplines
that can provide peer support. Or
consider regular video catch-ups
with your friends – some people
are doing virtual pub quizzes
together, and there’s even options
to watch films or shows on Netflix
in time with your mates. As well
as people to talk to, sometimes a
distraction or bit of normality is
needed, too.
Know that you’re not alone
in this, and it’s not ‘silly’ to be
worried. You are well within your
rights to get whatever support it is
that you need.
 ten 10
energy-boosting foods
A hectic lifestyle can mean you don’t always eat as well as you should – and
you could end up paying the consequences. But there are some simple
additions to your diet that can make all the difference
Writing | Jenna Farmer

I
n our usual lives, many of us
turn to caffeine and fast food
to give us the energy we need
to get through the 9-to-5. And
now, in more uncertain times, we
can feel more emotionally and
mentally drained than ever. If you
find yourself struggling to stay
awake in the evening, or battling
energy crashes post-lunch, it could
be time to take a look at your diet.
While no one food is a miracle
energy-booster, here we share 10
foods that, when added to your
diet, could make a real difference
to your energy levels.

1. Oats
Instagram may be full of trendy
smoothie bowls, but you don’t need
powders and ‘superfoods’ to feel
good. In fact, the humble oat can
be a great breakfast staple that’s
really inexpensive. Oats contain
soluble fibre – a great ingredient
for your gut health – and release
their energy much slower than
some other carbohydrates. This
slow release, combined with the
fact oats are higher in protein than
other grains, prevents sugar spikes
(which can then lead to energy
crashes later on in the day) and
keeps you full for longer.
2. Spinach
Many women suffer with low iron
levels, and this can really impact
their energy – leaving them
feeling fatigued and out of breath.
Red meat is a good source of iron,
but so is spinach – and other
green vegetables like broccoli and
kale. Non-meat-based sources of
iron are thought to be absorbed
better when they’re combined
with vitamin C, so tuck into an
omelette packed with leafy greens
and a glass of orange juice to start
your day.
3. Eggs
Did you know that eggs are
actually a nutritional powerhouse?
We know egg whites are a great
source of protein, but don’t forget
the yolks, which are a super
source of vitamin D (something
we all need during the colder
months), and vitamins E and K.
Nutritional therapist Jodie
Brandman says: “Eggs are a great
source of protein and healthy
fats, so they release their energy
slowly, preventing energy dips. The
choline in the egg yolk supports >>>
the neurotransmission in your
brain, keeping you going for longer
than just carbs!” Unfortunately,
Creme Eggs don’t count!
4. Peanut butter
Peanut butter on toast is a
satisfying snack – and it turns out
it’s pretty good for you, too. Why?
Well, first up peanuts (and all nuts)
are a great all-rounder. They’re a
good non-meat form of protein, a
source of healthy fats, and a great
source of zinc and magnesium.
However, lots of brands do add
things like sugar and salt, which
aren’t great for your overall
wellbeing. Make your own, or look
out for natural varieties that are
100% nuts. It can also be worth
switching it up and trying different
varieties of nut butter; almond
butter is a great source of calcium,
and cashew butter is a good source
of iron.
5. Potatoes
We’re not saying tucking into a
chip butty will give you all the
energy you need but, actually,
potatoes are more nutritionally
balanced than you might
think. Potatoes are a source
of carbohydrates, and contain
protein, iron, calcium, and even
vitamin C. In fact, one study found
that potatoes were as effective
as fancy energy gels for helping
cyclists keep up vigorous exercise.
Sweet potatoes provide similar
amounts of calories, protein, and
fat as the regular kind, but are
higher in fibre and nutrients such
as vitamin C. Combine potatoes
with a source of protein (such as
fish or lean meat) and add in some
vegetables (for a fibre boost) to
make a perfectly balanced lunch.
6. Blueberries
A bowl of any fresh fruit is a
great snack idea, but blueberries
are Jodie Brandman’s top pick.
“Blueberries are amazing as they
have natural sugars, fibre to help
slow down that energy release,
and they’re amazing brain foods
as they’re full of antioxidants.”
Why not keep a punnet in your
fridge to snack on throughout the
day, or try our delicious baked
oats recipe?
7. D u c k
If you’re looking for an
alternative to chicken, why not
tuck into duck? It’s higher in
iron than chicken and, if you’re
worried about the high fat
content, it’s as lean, too, once the
skin is removed. It’s also high in
B vitamins and even omega fats.
According to the Gressingham
Duck company, 100g of duck
contains 23% of our daily value
of protein.
8. Bread
Low-carb diets might seem
fashionable at the moment,
but you can actually get a lot of
energy from your loaf of bread.
We need carbs to provide energy,
but you may need to upgrade
your usual breakfast of toast and
butter to make sure you reap
the most benefits. “The best
thing is to have wholegrain and
granary breads, as the good fats
in nuts and seeds slow down the
sugar release,” explains Jodie
Brandman. And the toppings on
your toast are just as important.
“You could add things like
avocado, nut butter, eggs, or
tofu on top to keep that energy
stable,” she adds.
 Five-ingredient
We need carbs to energy-boosting baked oats
provide energy, but you
may need to upgrade
your usual breakfast
of toast and butter to
make sure you reap the
most benefits
9. Cinnamon
You may use cinnamon at
Christmas, but it’s actually an
ingredient you should be reaching
for throughout the year. Studies
have shown it’s jam-packed
with antioxidants, can help with
digestion, and is perfect for
helping with sweet cravings by
adding some sweetness to a dish
without sugar.

10. Chia seeds

You’ve probably seen them in the
health food aisle, but how can
chia seeds improve your energy
levels? Well, in several ways
actually. They’re a great source
of several nutrients, such as
omega-3, protein, and calcium,
and are also rich in fibre. This
means they can help you feel full,
improve your digestive health,
and help prevent sugar spikes
and energy dips by slowing the
release of glucose.
Jodie Brandman is a nutritional
therapist who specialises in
women’s health and fertility. Find
out more at jodiebrandman.com
Jenna Farmer is a freelance
journalist who specialises in
writing about gut health. She has
Crohn’s disease and blogs about her
journey to improve gut health at
abalancedbelly.co.uk
• 100g of oats
• 1 tbsp of chia seeds
• 50g of blueberries
• 1 egg (or a flaxseed egg
if vegan)
• 2 tablespoons of peanut
butter (or any nut butter)
Instructions
1. In a mixing bowl add oats, chia
seeds and blueberries, and stir.
2. Crack egg and add to bowl,
mixing to ensure the mixture 4. Stir in peanut butter. If the
is coated well and ‘wet’. If peanut butter is quite solid,
you might want to warm it on
you find that the mixture is
still dry, you can add a few the hob or in the microwave
tablespoons of water. for a few seconds so it is nice
3. If vegan, make 1 ‘flaxseed egg’ and soft.
by mixing a tbsp of ground 5. Now add the complete
flaxseeds with 3 tbsp water mixture to a well-oiled baking
and stirring. Add this mixture tray, and cook for around 30
to the bowl. minutes.
 Sweet dreams
Freud called them ‘the royal road to the
unconscious’, but what do our dreams really mean,
and can they help to manage our mental health?
Writing | Kat Nicholls
I
’m walking around a labyrinth of a
building, looking for a bathroom,
but when I finally find it the
cubicles either don’t have doors or
the toilets are so dirty I can’t use
them. Thankfully, I’m not talking
about real life – I’m talking about a
recurrent dream I have.
Dreams have fascinated us for
centuries. In 1900, founder of
psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud
released The Interpretation of
Dreams, detailing the meaning
of dreams and how they relate to
mental health. Opinions vary, but
many psychotherapists continue to
see value in working with dreams,
believing they’re crucial for our
emotional health.
One theory suggests that anxiety-
inducing dreams can help us
deal with real-world issues. A
study carried out in October 2019
asked participants to track their
dreams, and tested their reactions
to emotionally-jarring images.
Researchers found that those
reporting a higher incidence of fear
in their dreams showed “reduced
emotional arousal” while awake.
A separate study found a
connection between the amount of
rapid eye movement (REM) sleep
68 • happiful.com • May 2020
are made of this
we get and our ability to cope with
anxiety. Researchers concluded that
the more REM sleep subjects got,
“the weaker the fear-related effect”.
Getting good quality REM sleep
could be a key tool in managing
anxiety and stress.
WHAT CAN OUR DREAMS TELL US?
So we know a little more about
the potential reasons why we
dream, but what do the dreams
themselves actually mean? I spoke
to counsellor Will Leifer to find out
what our dreams can mean, and
their link to mental health.
“Quite simply, dreams tell us the
emotional truth of our lives. How
we are experiencing life.”
Not a subscriber of Freud’s ideas
surrounding dream interpretation,
Will explains that he does agree
with his famous quote, “Dreams are
the royal road to the unconscious”
– if the ‘unconscious’ means
deep feelings we have about the
situations in our lives that we
struggle to pay attention to. Paying
attention to our dreams, then,
could help us connect with our
unconscious.
There are certain dreams many of
us share, from my recurring toilet
nightmare to dreaming that your
teeth are falling out. Google these
dreams and you’ll find long lists
of interpretations, but Will warns
us that generic definitions aren’t
always useful.
“I think, to understand what a
dream means you always have to
ask the dreamer themselves some
questions, it’s very individual.
“Imagine someone dreamt of an
alsatian, for example. If you ask
people about alsatians, one will tell
you: ‘They are fearsome, terrifying
dogs. I don’t go near them.’ But
another will say: ‘Alsatians, are the
most wonderful, loyal dogs. I had
an alsatian when I was a teenager.’
Now, if both these people dream
of alsatians, the meaning would
clearly be totally different.”
Asking yourself what you believe
the dream means may be more
valuable than Googling symbolism.
Will also highlights that if you’re
having regular nightmares,
you might want to consider if
something needs changing in your
life. “A nightmare is the dreaming
brain’s way of screaming at you
‘Hey, this problem really needs
attention’ if it feels you haven’t been
listening!”
If you’re having ongoing
nightmares about something that
really happened to you, this could
be a sign of post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD), and is worth
checking with a mental health
professional.
HOW CAN OUR DREAMS SUPPORT
OUR MENTAL HEALTH?
Seeing as our dreams can tell us
so much, it makes sense that we
use this knowledge to support
our mental health. Building self-
awareness, recording our dreams
can help us get in touch with our
emotional life.
A simple technique Will suggests is
tracking the ‘feeling journey’ of your
dream. For example, do you start the
dream feeling happy, become bored,
then anxious as the dream ends? Or
do you start feeling sad, progress
through worry, and end with a sense
of love?
Consider the week you’ve had,
and whether the same sequence of
feelings takes place in your waking
life. “If it does, the connection
between that situation and what
happened in the dream is often
immediately obvious,” Will says.
“Dreams help us connect more deeply
to the emotional meanings behind the
events of our daily lives.”
Another avenue to explore is lucid
dreaming; when you know you’re
dreaming and can take control of
what happens. Will says this offers
us a chance to get to know parts
of ourselves we normally avoid. If
you’re running away from someone
in your dream for example, you
could take the opportunity to turn
around and talk.
“As a therapist, I often think therapy
can be described as ‘making friends
with yourself’. I can’t think of many
more profound opportunities to do
that than in this scenario. Dreams
can become a crucial part of any
journey towards emotional health
and wholeness, for anyone who
wants to explore them.”
Right, with all that in mind… who
else is feeling ready for bed?
Learn more about Will’s work on
counselling-directory.org.uk
May 2020 • happiful.com • 69
 How to
let go of
a grudge
Writing | Fiona Thomas

Allowing anger to fester over

a perceived injustice can be
debilitating and destructive.
So learn to forgive, forget,
and move on – you’ll find
it will lighten your life, and
could even improve your
physical and mental health

I
have an old school friend
who I meet up with once or
twice a year, and every time
we do, the conversation
always circles back to her ex-
boyfriend. Or more importantly,
how he dumped her. It wasn’t
a particularly messy break-up,
but I can see why she thinks
their local KFC wasn’t the most
compassionate place to break the
news that he wanted to see other
people. It happened more than
eight years ago, and she’s happily
married with kids. But it’s always in
the back of her mind – she simply
cannot let go of the grudge.
My grudge is a little different. A
university lecturer once pointed
out that I had a massive spot on my
chin when I was in the middle of
giving a presentation to a roomful
of other students. It’s safe to say

70 • happiful.com • May 2020

I’ve been harbouring hatred for
the man ever since. For you,
it might be the fact that Susan
in accounting gave everyone a
Christmas card except you. Maybe
a friend has ghosted you, or your
older sibling has always been more
successful. Grudges come in all
shapes and sizes, but they’re not
necessarily all bad.
I asked cognitive behavioural
psychotherapist and Counselling
Directory member Peter Klein,
to elaborate. “Being angry at
someone who has wronged us is
a healthy response,” he explains.
“It is often more unhealthy to not
notice, or hold no ill will against
anyone.”
Great! So, I can continue to feel
seething contempt towards the
middle-aged man who publicly
shamed me for having a spot?
Well, not quite. “When we think
about specific moments in the
past and keep ruminating about
these excessively, then people
can become mentally absent, are
more likely to experience mental
distress, and will have less energy
because of that,” says Peter.
IS IT BAD TO HOLD A GRUDGE?
There is reason to believe that
holding a grudge can have a
significant impact on our physical
and mental wellbeing. A study
carried out by the University of
Georgia found that bearing grudges
is associated with a “history of
pain disorders, cardiovascular
disease, and stomach ulcers”. In
2015, a study found that people
who engaged in actively forgiving
others were able to perform better
in jumping activities, suggesting
that they felt physically lighter than
those who had not. Almost like a
weight had been lifted as a result of
letting go of resentment.
You could spend
years waiting on
an apology that
will never come –
and letting anger
fester is a recipe
for disaster
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
If you’re angry because of how
someone has acted towards you,
it’s worth bearing in mind that this
is often a result of your personal
expectations. You might think
that KFC is an inappropriate place
to end a relationship, but others
can (and will) disagree. You could
spend years waiting on an apology
that will never come – and letting
anger fester is a recipe for disaster.
Trainee counselling psychologist
Sanjivan Parhar says that the
‘downward arrow technique’
can help get to the root of the
problem. With the help of a
therapist, you can “get to the
core emotion that perpetuates
thinking cycles,” by asking “why
am I annoyed? And then what
is this doing for me? What does
this mean to me? Why is this
important?” For example, the
regular circling back on the
famous KFC dumping of ’02 might
reveal that my friend had wanted
to end their relationship before
he did, but didn’t dare to do so,
and the resentment she feels is
directed at herself because she
wasted years with someone she
didn’t love.
HOW TO LET GO OF A GRUDGE
• Journaling is an effective way to
record your negative thoughts and
reflect on them. You can also use
this to collect ‘thought records’,
a CBT technique that teaches
you not to believe everything
you think by evaluating your
thought pattern from a logical
perspective. Is what you’re feeling
a fact, or just an opinion you have
formed in your mind?
• Interrupt the thought with
a mantra like “I can learn to
forgive” or “I can let go of this
grudge” and this will help you
to create a new, positive thought
pattern.
• Try reframing the situation. This
is a “process to slow down your
thinking and re-evaluate your
automatic thoughts”, according
to Sanjivan Parhar. Can you play
devil’s advocate and explore the
reasons why someone might have
acted out? Cognitive reframing
helps shift your thoughts and
can change the meaning you’ve
assigned to certain events.
Fiona is a freelance writer and
author, whose book, ‘Depression
in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit
fionalikestoblog.com for more.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 71
 The perils of
aesthetic health
Why simply judging health by what we see can be damaging
– or even deadly – for people with invisible conditions

Writing | Maxine Ali

 Y
“ ou look so well.” I We mean no ill when we tell neurological disorders such as
remember how my someone they’re looking well; multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, or
heart sank every time I after all, it’s seen as the root of all fibromyalgia; or mental health
heard those words, how good to look the picture of health. conditions such as ADHD, anxiety,
they’d choke like a rotten old rag But there’s danger in the way we post-traumatic stress disorder, or
across my mouth, smothering any conflate appearance with health, an eating disorder. On the outside,
impulse to ask for help. Whenever and assume someone is ‘fine’ just people with invisible health
a friend, a colleague, or some because they don’t look how we conditions might appear well, they
distant relative would say “You’re might expect a person in pain to might even act it, too, but their
looking well” or “You look great”, appear. internal reality is a different story.
it wasn’t gratitude or flattery that Invisible health conditions are Yet the stereotypical imagery
I felt. Instead, I’d feel invisible, by no means rare. Around 80% of disability as someone with a
like people were looking, but they of disabled people have hidden markedly visible impediment,
didn’t really see. impairments, including those usually a wheelchair user or
The turmoil in my mind and with physical conditions, such as someone with a discernible
body was a burden only I could asthma, hearing loss, or diabetes; mobility restriction, persists. >>>
know, coerced into secrecy by
well-meaning comments from
the wilfully oblivious. “Just
once,” I remember thinking, “I
wish someone would ask me
how I am, rather than jumping
to conclusions. Just once, I
wish someone would let me
acknowledge that I’m not OK.”
“You look so well” is a seemingly
harmless phrase, maybe even a
compliment in the eyes of some.

There’s danger in
the way we conflate
appearance with health,
and assume someone is
‘fine,’ just because they don’t
look how we might expect a
person in pain to appear

May 2020 • happiful.com • 73

 A survey by the charity Crohn’s someone looks professional your way to legitimacy, and make
and Colitis UK found that 93% enough to qualify for a job, to people ‘see’ your pain in order
of the public said they would whether someone looks repentant to be believed. Many people
challenge a healthy-looking enough to avoid prosecution. with mental illnesses, such as
person for using accessible We’ve all been hoodwinked by depression, anxiety, and eating
facilities, because they believe this tyranny of aesthetics, and disorders, fail to receive timely
they are ‘standing up’ for the misled to trust first impressions referrals and adequate mental
rights of disabled people. This before picking apart the health support because, in the
means that people with invisible unconscious biases behind them. eyes of health-care providers, they
conditions are faced with the When you don’t look sick, more don’t look ‘sick enough’.
added anxiety of ‘proving’ their often than not you have to fight Aesthetic biases in health
disability – an experience that can to be validated. You have to argue mean that people with invisible
be intimidating and humiliating.
In fact, 29% of people in the
survey said they’d been refused
access to facilities because their
conditions aren’t visible; 61% of
negative experiences faced by
people with invisible conditions
when using accessible facilities
included verbal and/or physical
abuse; and 16% were made to feel
worthless or ashamed for using an
accessible facility.
Despite the old adage, people still
tend to judge a book by its cover.
Our opinions of others are often
informed by the way they look. We
scroll through social media, barely
glancing for more than a second at
the endless stream of selfies from
friends and strangers, captured at
their best moments, and we think
how perfect their lives must be.
We envy that single second
captured on a small screen,
creating a whole narrative for that
person based on our observation,
never stopping to think what
troubles could be festering
underneath.
Of course, people aren’t
intentionally shallow. We don’t
intend to be unfair when we’re
so quick to judge. But society
is steeped in appearance-led
inferences, from whether

74 • happiful.com • May 2020


We’ve all been
hoodwinked by this tyranny
of aesthetics, and misled to
trust first impressions before
picking apart the unconscious
biases behind them
conditions often feel like they have
to be visibly on the brink before
anyone will take their health
seriously, putting the lives and
wellbeing of many in jeopardy.
I spoke to chronic illness blogger
Natasha Lipman about the effect
this can have on mental health.
“People, especially young people,
living with invisible conditions,
often face a huge amount of
stigma,” says Natasha. “Because
they don’t look sick, they often
have to balance the fine line
between constantly disclosing in
uncertain circumstances in order
to get their support needs met,
and potentially facing disbelief, or
even harassment.”
Natasha uses her online
platform to address the often-
unconsidered emotional labour
that accompanies living with a
condition the rest of the world
can’t see.
“The lack of understanding of
invisible conditions can touch
every aspect of someone’s life,
from being offered a seat on
the Tube so they can get home
safely, to having their access
needs respected so that they can
continue in work,” says Natasha.
“Having to beg for support and
understanding, and feeling
pressured to disclose private
medical information – often to
strangers – can be an incredibly
challenging experience.”
There is a common mistaken
assumption that those with
invisible conditions are simply
lazy or opportunistic, and this
impacts how society responds to
their requests for aid.
“I noticed a huge shift in how
I was treated once I made my
disabilities visible in public, versus
quietly trying to push through as
best I could,” Natasha adds. “Over
time, this chipped away at my
confidence and caused increased
anxiety at the thought of having to
navigate so many hurdles.”
The scrutiny and disbelief
faced by people with invisible
conditions was also expressed by
Game of Thrones actress Emilia
Clarke, who recently opened
up about her struggles with
depression and recovery from
two brain aneurysms. Writing
in the mental health anthology,
It’s Not Okay to Feel Blue (and
other lies), compiled by activist
Scarlett Curtis, Emilia said: “If
only I had a cast on my leg or a
patch over my eye, a sign that said
CAREFUL, WARNING: THIS GIRL
IS UNWELL, I might have seen the
ways in which people are capable
of showing compassion.”
The increased fetishisation of
health also hasn’t helped matters.
With the rise of wellness as a trend
and commodity, we’ve become so
consumed with looking ‘healthy,’
so infatuated with performing
self-care, that we’ve forgotten the
importance of health, independent
of how others see us. We’re more
concerned about whether we look
fine than whether we actually feel
it. This presents a dilemma for
people with invisible conditions,
wanting to be heard and validated
in needing support, while also
clinging to the sense of value,
praise, and privilege that comes
from looking ‘well’.
There’s more to health than
meets the eye. It’s about time we
paid attention to how people really
feel, believing them when they
ask for help, and giving them a
safe space to be open when things
aren’t OK.
Maxine Ali is a health and science
writer, and linguist specialising in
body talk and body image. Follow
Maxine @maxineali or visit her
website maxineali.com
May 2020 • happiful.com • 75
 How to take the dread
out of the week ahead
We’ve all been there – as Sunday night draws to a close, that creeping feeling of
dismay takes over. But what if things didn’t have to be this way?
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

76 • happiful.com • May 2020

W
hether you live
to work or work
to live, we’ve all
had one of those
weeks. Meetings stacking up, a
big deadline (or five) coming up,
or you just can’t face the thought
of making small talk. We all feel
dread for different reasons, but
when it feels like a constant,
underlying presence, it could be a
sign that it’s time to take action.
SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
It could be something specific
that has you worried, or a general
feeling of overwhelm. Getting your
thoughts in order and creating a
plan for the days ahead should be
your first step. By taking time to
organise your workload, you’re
creating a starting point to focus,
and get your thoughts in order.
Creating a priority list can help
you to get an overview of what you
need to fit in, allowing you to take
control of that overall feeling of
worry, and break things down into
more manageable tasks.
THINK LONG-TERM
If you find yourself dreading the
week ahead each time Sunday night
rolls around, it could be a sign that
you’re focusing on the short-term
problems, rather than facing the
bigger issues causing you distress.
Map out the parts of your week that
have you worried, and look closer.
Why are you dreading a Monday
morning meeting? Is there a
colleague you don’t get on with,
do you feel unprepared, or does it
take a big chunk of your day that
could be better used elsewhere?
Exploring the ‘why’ can help
you decide next steps – and any
underlying issues you may not
have realised are adding stress.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Looking after your physical health
can have a big impact on your
overall wellbeing. Small changes
to your diet can improve your
mood, sleep quality, energy levels,
and even how well your brain
functions. By reducing caffeine
and alcohol, ensuring you’re
staying hydrated, and reducing
foods high in fat and sugar, you
avoid temporary ‘feel-good’ highs
followed by crashes that may leave
you feeling worse.
If you struggle to cook during the
week or rely on unhealthy (and
overpriced) cafe food, try meal
prepping. Batch cooking at the
weekend can set you up for a less
stressful week, while giving you a
sense of achievement and control.
If you find yourself skipping the
gym after a long day, try switching
up your routine and go before
work, or use part of your lunch
break to go for a walk. Exercise can
give your mood a natural boost.
By moving your workout to earlier
in the day, there’s less chance for
the day to take a turn for the worse
before you’ve taken time to look
after yourself.
DISCOVER YOUR BEST
SELF-CARE ROUTINE
How do you relax? When feeling
stressed or overwhelmed, it can
be easy to passively do things
to ‘relax’ that might not be that
rejuvenating. Do you really enjoy
vegging on the sofa with back-to-
back episodes of the latest reality
TV? Or are you just so exhausted
that it’s become routine?
Creating a self-care routine that
helps you to feel refreshed, and
able to face the day ahead, is an
important step in getting the most
out of our downtime.
Those hours
between the
For more insight
stress of
and articles on how
commuting, to love Mondays, and
work, and avoid Sunday-night
day-to-day anxiety, download
life admin, our Happiful app.
should be
precious.
Try experimenting
with different ways that help
you feel relaxed. Some people
find listening to podcasts can be
a soothing and enriching way
to switch-off. Others find trying
meditation, practising mindfulness,
or even relaxing in the bath with a
good book, helps them to unwind.
There’s no right or wrong way to
practise self-care; it’s all about
finding what works for you.
PRACTISE SELF-COMPASSION
Be kind to yourself. It’s OK if you
haven’t got everything figured out.
Having a bad day (or week) doesn’t
mean you are a failure. We can’t
all get everything 100% right –
nor can we be prepared for every
eventuality.
If you find yourself experiencing
automatic negative thoughts,
doubting yourself, or practising
negative self-talk, take a moment
to reflect and ask: would I talk to
a friend or colleague this way?
If someone I cared about was
feeling down, how would I talk
to them? Many of us are harsher
on ourselves than we ever would
be on loved ones. It’s time to
challenge this.
It’s OK to feel the way you’re
feeling. Acknowledging that you’re
struggling is the first step towards
making positive changes. With
time, you can start taking back
control and overcome that feeling
of dread for the week ahead.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 77
“
You are enough
just as you are
– MEGHAN MARKLE

Photography | Sebastián León Prado

 Panic
attacks:
KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS
Panic attacks are a common yet debilitating
part of many people’s lives, but could knowing
more about what triggers them help to stop
them occurring, or even reduce their severity?
Writing | Claire Munnings

M
any of us have They’re certainly not pleasant,
had first-hand but why exactly do they happen?
experience of a panic And could understanding this in
attack. There’s that greater depth help people manage
overwhelming sense of anxiety and their anxiety in practical ways?
rising panic that starts to take over The problem is that everyone
every inch of your body, and then is different, and there’s no one
the sudden rush of breathlessness answer that fits every situation.
and spread of overbearing heat “Almost anything can be a trigger
that you just can’t ignore. for a panic attack,” explains
Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant
psychologist and co-founder of The
Once Chelsea Psychology Clinic and My
someone has Online Therapy. “It may be a social
situation where you feel exposed,
a panic attack, the thought of an important
they become very meeting at work, or symptom-
searching on the internet.
anxious about Anything that causes anxiety can
from a panic attack or anxiety
disorder at some point in their life,
but researchers are still trying to
understand more about their causes.
Often they seem to come out of
nowhere, and this can be confusing
for those who feel they are usually
in control of their emotions. Saying
that, there are some common
triggers to be aware of, such as
crowds, the feeling of being trapped,
and other situations which cause
fear, as well as certain things that
make you vulnerable to an attack,
such as stress and alcohol.
The very thought of a panic attack
can also initiate a downward spiral
of worry. “What tends to happen is
once someone has a panic attack,

having another act as the initial trigger, and it

really depends on the person, and
they become very anxious about
having another one. This can cause
one. This can what kinds of situations provoke a vicious cycle whereby the fear of

cause a vicious their anxiety, as to what this is.”

It’s thought up to a third of
having a panic attack becomes the
trigger for the panic attack itself,”
cycle the population will experience explains Dr Touroni. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 79

 COMMON
TRIGGERS
Dr Touroni explains some of the
environmental and physiological
things that can result in panic-
inducing anxiety…
CROWDS
Crowds are exposing, which can
bring up feelings of defectiveness
and shame, alongside a sense of
being ‘trapped’.
FEAR
When someone is exposed to
something they feel fearful about
– whether that’s something like
making a decision, or a recognised
phobia – this can trigger the stress
response in our body.
KEY LIFE EVENTS
Significant life changes such as
bereavement, losing your job,
or becoming a parent can bring
about feelings of uncontrollable
anxiety, and result in panic attacks.
STRESS
Stress itself is not a trigger.
However, the higher your stress
levels, the more vulnerable you
are. Stress heightens the overall
experience of feeling like you’re
under threat.
ALCOHOL
Again, alcohol is a vulnerability
rather than a trigger, tending to
decrease our capacity to access
our more healthy adult resources,
and therefore lowers our resilience.
Alcohol can be a precursor, but it’s
not a trigger itself.
80 • happiful.com • May 2020
The important thing is to
be kind and compassionate
to yourself, and not to ignore
what’s going on in your body
or mind
UNEXPLAINED PANIC
Feeling overwhelmed certainly
seemed to be a key trigger for Sarah
Lloyd, a 42-year-old mother-of-two,
who began having panic attacks in
her 20s when an ever-increasing
workload became too much.
“My first panic attack was in
my office; I felt a huge wave of
overwhelming emotion and
warmth in my face, and I couldn’t
breathe. I took myself off to a
meeting room and sat there feeling
helpless,” she says. “I always had
trouble saying no, and was far too
eager to please, so I’d find myself
taking on more and more work,
which exacerbated my stress.”
Things remained the same for
Sarah for many years, even after
a change of job, and the birth of
her children brought postnatal
depression, which created more
anxiety-fuelled situations. Despite
realising the impact stress had on
her wellbeing, Sarah wasn’t able
to put her finger on the specific
circumstances that caused her
panic attacks.
UNDERSTANDING MORE
Sarah’s situation isn’t unique, and
in her case a particularly bad
panic attack made her reassess
her lifestyle, and look to make
significant changes. Taking the
time to learn more about her
triggers helped her do this, and
create a happier, more relaxed
environment at home and work.
“I can now recognise my
personal triggers,” she says. “It
starts when I forget to breathe, or
if I feel like I’m being pushed into
something I don’t want to do.
“I also realised the attacks used
to come in cycles – it was often
the week before my period that I
found myself unable to cope with
situations,” she adds. “When I
understood that played a part, I
made a special effort not to book
too much in the diary around that
time, gave myself days to relax,
and made an effort to be mindful
about it. I also took the natural
supplement ashwagandha to help
stabilise my moods.”
For Dr Touroni, recognising
your body’s reaction to certain
situations and dispelling the
fear around a panic attack is key.
“It’s about starting to interrupt
the anticipatory anxiety, which
is usually what maintains panic
attacks,” she explains. “Remind
yourself that while a panic attack
can feel scary, it can’t harm you.”

RECOGNISE YOUR TRIGGERS
So, how can you identify what
causes your panic to build? “You
need to start observing what
happens in your mind and body
as your anxiety levels rise,” Dr
Touroni advises. “What thoughts
are you having? What sensations
can you feel? It’s also necessary to
explore what about the situation
makes you feel so vulnerable.
What are you frightened of?”
Most experts say the best way to
do this is to keep a physical log.
Write down anything that may be
important (including your sleep
routine, what you’ve eaten, and
how you’re feeling), and over time
you may start to see a pattern.
Sarah agrees. “Keeping a diary
was really useful for me. Try to
notice when you start to feel out of
control, and pay attention to your
COPING STRATEGIES:
Feel a panic attack on its way? Try these tips…
USE BREATHING TECHNIQUES:
Practices like the 4-4-4
technique (where you inhale for
four counts, hold your breath
for four counts, and exhale for
four counts) that encourage
you to focus on your breathing,
can help to stop a panic attack
in its tracks.
FOCUS ON YOUR SENSES:
By paying attention to what
you can feel, hear, see, smell
and taste, you can help take
your mind off your rising panic,
and instead ground your body
and mind in the here and now.
breathing. We hold our breath far
too much, and this can lead to us
blocking the oxygen to the brain,
which then triggers anxiety.”
Speak to family and friends too
– they may have insight into your
behaviour that even you haven’t
realised. “My husband could
always tell when I was heading
for a break – I’d start to do this
thing with my fingers,” Sarah says.
“Asking loved ones to help figure
out when you’re about to spiral can
be useful, especially if you don’t
know where they come from.”
Once you can recognise this,
you can start to put coping
mechanisms in place.
“If I feel something coming, I
now try to respond in a positive
way by taking time to ground
myself using a combination of
cognitive therapies and breathing
LEARN TO SILENCE
NEGATIVE VOICES:
Our inner voices have a lot to
answer for, and can contribute to
anxiety spiraling out of control. Try
to reframe the negative thoughts
in your head, and understand
when they’re impacting your
emotional wellbeing.
STEP OUT OF THE SITUATION:
If you’re in a specific situation that
is making you feel like a panic
attack is imminent, try to step
away. Even just getting some fresh
air for two minutes can make a
big difference.
exercises,” Sarah says. “I find
breathing is the key; I try to
recognise what my breath is doing,
and get it back under control
before anything happens.”
The important thing is to be kind
and compassionate to yourself,
and not to ignore what’s going
on in your body or mind. Don’t
be tempted to push your feelings
under the rug, or fight against your
panic – sometimes this can make
things worse. As many experts
advise, learning to live with your
anxiety and understanding your
panic attacks is the first step to
helping overcome them.
Claire Munnings is a health and
wellbeing journalist. She enjoys
writing about how we can live more
mindfully and introduce a sense of
calm into our days.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 81
 Happiful reads…
From to-do lists to weaning tips, we share four of this month’s unmissable new releases
I
t’s been more than a decade
since the final part in the Hunger
Games trilogy hit shelves, and
nearly five years since the quartet
of box-office adaptations were
fully released. Now, fans of the
internationally best-selling sci-fi
dystopia can celebrate, as a new
novel set within the wider Hunger
Games universe is due for release
this May.
Set in the year of the 10th
annual Hunger Games (64 years
before the main series), 18-year-
old Coriolanus Snow prepares
for his shot at glory as a mentor
in the games. The once-mighty
house of Snow has fallen on hard
times, its fate hanging on the
chance that Coriolanus will be
able to outcharm, outwit, and
outmanoeuvre his fellow students
to mentor the winning tribute.
Must reads
Mrs Hinch:
The Little
Book of Lists
by Mrs Hinch
Out April 2
If you’re
familiar
with the Instagram cleaning
sensation, Mrs Hinch’s latest
book is a must-have to get your
home (and thoughts) in order.
Filled with Hinch Lists and
Fresh’n Up Fridays, along with
Tadaa Lists to feel proud of, this
book is set to make your days
more productive.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
With the odds against him, as
he is assigned a female tribute
from District 12, the lowest of the
low, his every choice could lead
to favour or failure, triumph or
ruin. Inside the arena, it will be
a fight to the death. But on the
outside, Coriolanus must weigh
his need to follow the rules
against his desire to survive – no
matter what it takes.
Best known by fans as the
president of Panem, and the
main antagonist of the original
trilogy, Coriolanus has, until this
point, been an easy-to-dislike
villain. With fans excited to
once again delve into Collins’
impactful series, some have
expressed concerns that the new
book may look to gain sympathy
for the series’ overarching
villain, while revisiting tropes
Slime
by David
Walliams
Out April 2
From the
number one
best-selling
author and comedian, kids aged
seven to nine will love Slime.
The Isle of Mulch is run by
horrible grown-ups; something
needs to be done about them.
But who could be brave enough?
Meet Ned – an extraordinary
boy with a very unique special
power.
The Ballad
of Songbirds
and Snakes
Suzanne Collins
(Out May 19)
(particularly that of star-crossed
lovers) that have been used in
previous books.
Others, though, are
embracing this upcoming book
for what it really is: the chance
to revisit a beloved fictional
world that they thought they
had seen the last of. Here’s
hoping this is the start of more
exciting explorations into the
wider Hunger Games world.
Wean in 15
by Joe Wicks
Out May 14
Filled with
weaning
advice and
100 quick
recipes, body coach Joe shares
everything to take your baby
from breastfeeding through to
first foods, and family mealtimes.
Cutting through the confusion,
Joe covers all you need to know
to start prepping like a boss, and
creating the foundations for a
lifetime of happy, healthy eating.

As Nature
Intended
As we all adopt a more solitary
existence to help curtail the
coronavirus pandemic, floral stylist
and author of The Wild Journal: A
Year of Nurturing Yourself Through
Nature reveals how tapping into
the natural world can boost our
spirits and health – and you don’t
even need a garden to embrace
the benefits
Writing | Gemma Calvert
A
fter the birth of her first
child, Willow Crossley
experienced postnatal
depression. Having
quit London, where she worked
as a fashion stylist, then a beauty
journalist, she enjoyed two years in
rural France, living with her now-
husband Charlie on a vineyard
after the pair abandoned the
city rat race in search of a more
fulfilling life.
Feeling isolated in such a
remote location fuelled the
depression but, even at her
lowest, Willow understood that
the outdoors would be her saviour.
She persistently got outside to
feel the fresh air on her face,
and attempted to heal herself
naturally. Then, after the birth
of her third son, Kit, in 2015,
when her mental health history
repeated itself, Willow’s midwife
planted a seed of thought that
truly changed everything.
“She told me to start walking and
‘look out and up,’” recalls Willow,
who now lives in Oxfordshire
where she runs a floral design
business. “I’d drag myself out
every day for a walk, but realised
I was looking at the floor as I
moved. Looking up at that huge
sky suddenly gave me perspective.
There’s something about the
fact that nature and the world is
carrying on, irrelevant of what
you’re going through. I found that
quite uplifting and comforting.”
Since then, Willow has stuck to a
commitment of doing something
“kind” for herself every day, and
building her relationship with
nature. She says this is fuelled by a
belief that to flourish as humans,
Nature
Calls
Looking up at that
huge sky suddenly gave
me perspective. There’s
something about the
fact that nature and
the world is carrying on,
irrelevant of what you’re
going through. I found
that quite uplifting
we need to be surrounded and
immersed in nature, a concept
is known as ‘biophilia’, from the
Greek bios, meaning life, and
philos, meaning loving, conceived
in the 1960s by psychoanalyst
Erich Fromm.
Indeed, research in January 2018
by King’s College London reported
improvement to mental wellbeing
lasting several hours after humans
were exposed to trees, the sky, and
birdsong. New studies also show
that connecting with nature could
improve memory >>>
May 2020 • happiful.com • 83
 and concentration, reduce blood
pressure, and boost the immune
system, largely because of
essential oils released by trees and
plants, called phytoncides.
“It’s why some doctors
recommend going outside as
a prescription. Being outside
improves cognitive function,
creativity, and brain power as
well,” says Willow.
At a time when the government
has put a lockdown in place in
order to help prevent the spread
of Covid-19 – at the time of print –
we still have the opportunity to go
outside once a day, providing a two
metre distance between people is
maintained. So although our time
outside may be limited for now,
here Willow shares her favourite
ideas for reaping the rewards from
nature, whether in a public space,
a garden, using a window box, or
and herbs are a great place to
start, whether you’ve got a garden
patch or are using a window box.
As long as you’ve got enough
light, water, and good drainage,
they’ll thrive. Herbs add flavour
to food and drinks, and have
medicinal qualities. Rosemary is
good for brain power, memory,
and digestion. Boil the kettle
and chuck a couple of sprigs into
your mug. Just like chamomile,
valerian is a good for promoting
sleep. It’s very calming, which is
useful right now.
Being outside
improves cognitive
function, creativity,
and brain power
Make arrangements
Flower arranging is so mindful.
Right now, because of financial
strain, you might not think that
flowers are a necessity, but they are
uplifting, and bring life to a house.
Take care of your flowers. First trim
the strem bottoms, which will be
sealed shut. Keep the flowers out
of direct sunlight and drafts, and
clean the water every couple of
days. Also don’t forget presentation.
Pop some chicken wire in the
bottom of a vase, poke in the stems,
and build your arrangement.

as well
even indoors.

Flower power
Sowing seeds feels like magic.
You’re growing a living thing from
a tiny seed and nurturing it. If
you manage to make the flowers
or plants live, it’s rewarding and
gives you confidence to grow
more. Spring is the perfect time to
get started, and beginners should
start with something simple like
sweet peas and sunflowers. Start
with small pots on your window
sill, then transfer to plant pots as
they grow. The cosmos flower is Put
brilliant for children. It flowers your phone
within three days so little patience down. You’ll feel
is necessary! like you can breathe
again when you’re not
Get handy with herbs endlessly scrolling.
In these uncertain times, I want Just ‘be’.
to be as self-sufficient as possible,

84 • happiful.com • May 2020


There
are some
brilliant gardening
websites like,
Gardeners’ World, who
have easy-to-follow
how-to videos to get
you started.
Moon bathing
Moonlight is a mix of sunlight,
starlight, and Earthlight and,
according to Ayurvedic beliefs,
is very healing. While sunlight
gives us light energy, moonlight
is said to be calming and anxiety-
reducing. If it’s warm enough
at night, lie on the grass in your
garden for 30 minutes, or fling
open your window and face the
moon.
Dare to bare
Taking your shoes and socks off
and going barefoot on natural
ground – grass, sand or soil – is said
to help improve circulation, reduce
inflammation, and normalise
blood pressure. Just like the Earth,
we’re made of ions and electrical
currents, so think of the Earth as
a giant battery powering life. By
directly connecting with it, we can
charge and rebalance our energy
systems.
Early bird catches the worm
I set my alarm to go off before my
kids wake, to give myself 20 minutes
just for me. Whether you’ve got kids
or not, making time in the morning
for yourself makes the day less
panicked and rushed. If you’re now
working from home, or can’t work
because of the health pandemic,
setting yourself a time to start the
day will provide much-needed
structure and schedule, and help
you stay emotionally balanced.
Stars in your eyes
Watching the night sky is a brilliant
way to switch off. Although
stars are more easily-seen in the
countryside because there’s less
light pollution, you can stargaze in
urban spaces if you choose a clear
night, and sit with your back to
any source of light. The fact that
star constellations are the same all
over the world is very grounding.
Try downloading star-gazing apps
like Star Walk and Google Sky to
understand the formations you’re
seeing.
Freshen up
Indoor air can be up to five times as
polluted as outdoor air, which for
people with allergies and asthma
can be very damaging. Start to
reduce air pollution in your home
by choosing non-scented candles
(go for beeswax, vegetable and
soy), opening the windows in
every room for 15 minutes daily
to help air circulation (even when
it’s raining outside), and invest in
plants like bamboo palm, spider
plant, and Barbados aloe vera,
which draw chemicals from the
air, and stop inside air from getting
too dry.
Isolation
fuels low
mood, so call a
friend to tell them
about the positive
activities you’re doing –
the birds you can see from
your window, the book
you’ve read, or the
flowers you’ve
arranged.
Get well oiled
A bath is always a cherished
luxury, and adding natural bath
oils, which are said to help the
body release toxins, brings nature
into your home. Many of us have
got a bit more time on our hands
right now, so experiment with
concoctions. Try bergamot for
moments of self-doubt, neroli for
uplifting the spirits, and lavender
for soothing tension.
Eat from the earth
To achieve instant nourishment
from nature, eat as healthily as
you can. When I eat processed and
sugar-laden food, I feel sluggish
and lacking in energy. Treat
yourself with the same kindness
as the herbs and seeds you’re
nurturing, and reach for plenty
of fruit and vegetables. I recently
realised the direct effect of sugar
on my body function, the state of
my skin, and my mood. Munch
on nuts and dried fruits instead of
that chocolate bar!
‘The Wild Journal: A Year of
Nurturing Yourself Through Nature’
by Willow Crossley (Pan Macmillan,
£10.99) is out now.
May 2020 • happiful.com • 85
 £57

£40
ENTER
CODE:
P
HAPPISELCEKOEUT
HE CH
AT T

Reader offer
First two copies + postage & packaging = FREE
On an annual subscription using
code HAPPISLEEP at shop.happiful.com
Includes postage and packaging (mainland UK). Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code
HAPPISLEEP, which expires on 18 June 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com
 TRUE LIFE

From confidence crisis

to transformation coach
Following the birth of her son, Hayley Austin
found herself extremely anxious and stressed,
isolating herself and losing her confidence.
But thanks to a fresh start in 2013, she had the
opportunity to create her own business, and
discovered the power of coaching
Writing | Hayley Austin

I
t was in May 2012, after
the birth of my son,
that my entire world
changed. Having my
son gave me a purpose
again, and I had a massive
light bulb moment. I felt
love, and the need to
protect, and a sense of
purpose. Sadly, it was also
when my anxiety went
through the roof...
I was born in the Lake
District in 1980, but didn’t
stay there very long. My
mum moved us to the Isle
of Man, and I lived there
until I was around four
years old. I witnessed
my mum being abused,
and the shouting used
to make me cry at night.
Mum couldn’t afford food
on some occasions, as my
dad was bad with money,
and after my brother was
born, she decided to do
a moonlight flit back to
the Lake District, where
I stayed until I was 22. I
never saw or heard from
my birth father again – he
just didn’t want to know
me. It was his choice.
I’d been working in the
hospitality industry until
I decided to leave home
in 2002 to start a new life
down south. But it wasn’t
the fresh start I’d hoped
for, and the next 10 years
weren’t easy. I had my fair
share of bad decisions,
failures, and a divorce. So
I put all my energy into
my career.
I used to be one of those
stressed out employees.
I had travelled the world
with different high-
pressured jobs, and like
many of us, I dreamt
of having a happy and
successful life.
When I hit my early 30s,
I decided my previous
marriage had failed and
started a new relationship.
In 2011 I became
pregnant, and was dating
the financial director.
The company I worked
for we’re not best pleased
about our relationship,
and I ended up having
to leave work early while
pregnant as my stress
levels went through the
roof.
Anxiety was here, and
it was here to stay – well,
that’s what I thought
at the time. During my
pregnancy, I was crippled
with anxiety and stress. I
was too afraid to go out.
I was frightened that
someone would attack,
hurl abuse, or follow me.
On occasions I would have
to pull over in my car as
the first signs of a panic
attack started to bubble
under the surface. I had
created many fears in my
mind, and to me they were
real, my reality.
These panic attacks went
on for years after having
my son, and I stopped
myself from driving on
the motorway as I was so
afraid for my life, as I’d
convinced myself that I
was going to crash. This
was a fear I developed
during my worst stage
of anxiety. I stopped
socialising, and only had
a handful of friends. I
constantly found excuses
to stay in with
my son instead.
While my son was still
a baby, I was also going
through a court case –
suing my employer for
pregnancy discrimination. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 87

 Hayley found that finding a purpose with her
work made all the difference to her outlook

grow up. I quit my senior that our life experiences

management position
at my corporate job,
and built the business
from the ground up. I
could make new friends
and connections, and
are based on our
interpretation of the world
around us. Thus, if we
change our programming,
we therefore change
our experience of life.

I had created many fears put all my corporate

management skills to
When we change our
thought patterns, we not
in my mind, and to me they good use. My business was
booming.
only change our reaction
towards events, we also
were real, my reality I’d been handling a team change our overall actions
for about four years, but and behaviour. NLP gives
always felt that there was you back the power, and
something missing. I had provides you with tools to
Then there was also But then an opportunity to find a bigger why – a make instant changes in
my divorce from my arose in 2013, when my meaningful purpose. This your life.
ex-husband. It’s not family had to transfer is where I discovered I learnt about how
surprising I was stressed to Yorkshire for my complementary the brain responds to
and anxious! So at the husband’s job. It felt alternative medicine memories. Neuroplasticity
time when I should have like our opportunity to (CAM) coaching. I decided is the change in neural
been enjoying spending start our life again. I to train with the UK Life pathways and synapses
time with my son, instead had the idea to start my Practice in Hitchin. that occurs due to certain
I was lonely and had lost own network marketing Neuro Linguistic factors, like behaviour,
my confidence. My former business, so I wouldn’t Programming (NLP) CAM environment, or neural
self was gone. miss watching my son coaching uses the premise processes. During these

88 • happiful.com • May 2020