Journal of Bisexuality, 11:385–388, 2011

Copyright © Taylor & Francis Group, LLC

ISSN: 1529-9716 print / 1529-9724 online
DOI: 10.1080/15299716.2011.620454

Reflective Paper: Bisexual Issues in Sex

Therapy: A Bisexual Surrogate Partner Relates
Her Experiences from the Field

LINDA POELZL
San Francisco, California, USA

A surrogate partner is a trained professional who works with clients

in sex therapy as part of a three-way therapeutic team, consisting of
a psychotherapist, surrogate partner and client. This article looks at
surrogate partner therapy and its relevance to bisexuals in therapy.
The author approaches the subject from a personal and a pro-
fessional perspective by using anecdotes, presenting case studies,
background information about surrogate partner therapy as well
as including elements from her own personal journal as a bisexual
woman.

KEYWORDS surrogate partner, bisexual, sex therapy, therapeu-

tic team, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual ori-
entation, homosexuality, biphobia, heterophobia, virgin, alterna-
tive relationship, masturbation, orgasm, fantasy, nonmonogamy,
polyamory, “coming out,” Kinsey scale, Klein Sexual Orientation
Grid

The original article was published in the Journal of Bisexuality,

Volume 1, Number 1, 2001.

When I wrote my article on “Bisexual Issues in Sex Therapy” in the 2001

premier edition of the Journal of Bisexuality, I had been practicing as a
surrogate partner for about 5 12 years. At that time I had had the opportunity
to work with a number of clients who were questioning their sexuality and
exploring the idea of a bisexual identity. The majority of these clients were
relatively short term (20 sessions or fewer). Some of them concluded their
therapy with me before they had come to any solid sense of their bisexuality,
heterosexuality or homosexuality.

Address correspondence to Linda Poelzl. E-mail: poelzl@earthlink.net

385
386 Journal of Bisexuality

In the intervening years, although I’ve actually had fewer bisexually

identified or questioning clients, I did have the opportunity to work with a
woman for an extended amount of time, 2 12 years to be exact. The referring
female therapist, Dr. F, had worked with Sally (not her real name) for at least
a year when she contacted me about the case.
Sally was a 58-year-old woman in the process of divorcing her husband
to whom she’d been married about 20 years. She had a 16-year-old son who
was gay, and she and her husband had been aware and accepting of his
sexual orientation from an early age. Sally worked full-time as a health-care
professional.
Although she was attracted to men, she knew she had a strong at-
traction to women throughout her adult life and during her marriage. Even
her husband was aware of her passionate and consuming friendships with
straight women, who usually did not know that Sally was so emotionally and
sexually attracted to them. When I began seeing Sally, she had an intense
emotional relationship with a woman she worked with. This woman, Alice,
was aware of Sally’s romantic and sexual feelings for her and even passively
encouraged them. It gave Alice a sense of power, and she enjoyed being
the object of such intense desire—even though she was married herself
and claimed to have no sexual or romantic feelings for Sally (or women in
general).
When Sally began working with me, she was desperate to clarify her
sexual identity and find a way to meet and relate to women who would
return her feelings fully. She had mixed feelings all the way around. She was
attracted to men, but not her husband, and it was clear that they needed to
divorce. She knew she was attracted to women emotionally and sexually,
and she often lubricated profusely when she spent time with Alice: there
was often affectionate touch involved, primarily hugging and holding hands
during their intimate emotional exchanges. She tended to prefer more femi-
nine women (“soccer moms,” she called them, who were often straight) and
had avoided venturing into the lesbian community because she was terrified
of butch, “manly” women. She also never thought about women’s genitals
as particularly sexually interesting. It was the face-to-face and eye contact
that she craved.
Sally’s issues were related to her relationship with her mother who had
been critical and distant emotionally, and she had been exploring the family
of origin material with her therapist for some time. Sally was deeply sensitive
and emotionally fragile and frequently obsessed about her relationship with
Alice. She was also being treated for depression with several medications.
However, Dr. F. said Sally had made a lot of progress from the nearly infantile
state of emotional development in which she had started therapy.
The surrogate therapy process proceeded slowly, and we spent many
sessions talking, doing relaxation techniques and touching with clothes on.
Sally liked to be held and often wept. We gave Sally plenty of space for
 L. Poelzl 387

her feelings to emerge in a nurturing environment with no pressure about

nudity or sexuality. Eventually we began confronting body image issues and
exploring sensual and sexual touch. It was a pleasure to see the lover in
her emerge now that she could express herself freely. I thought about other
ways I could support her in expressing her newfound queer identity.
Sally lived in a small, rural community with no visible lesbian, gay,
or bi community, and she was definitely in the closet at work and while
participating in local community activities. Because she travelled such a
distance for our sessions (a 3–4 hour drive) and often stayed overnight at
a hotel, we began to “think outside the box” regarding Sally’s therapy. My
office is near the Castro District in San Francisco. I brought up the idea with
Dr. F. of including some field trips into the community, especially since it
was literally a 15-minute walk or 5-minute drive away. When Dr. F. discussed
the field trip idea with Sally, she was eager to try it, although nervous.
We usually did at a least a 3- to 4-hour session in my office, during which
we had privacy, space and time for intimate conversations, affectionate touch
and sexual activities. We negotiated a much-lower hourly rate for field trips
and often spent 5 to 6 hours out in the community after our private sessions.
We started with simply holding hands in the Castro. That was a big
step for her, and she would glance around cautiously, convinced everyone
was staring at us. Of course, she found that no one noticed. It was simply
acceptable and mundane behavior for same-sex partners to hold hands in
public in that neighborhood. After dinner we often went to a lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender (LGBT) bookstore. She started reading women’s erotica
and enjoying it.
Sally was a member of Toastmasters in her rural community and loved
public speaking. I located a queer Toastmasters group at the LGBT Center. It
was educational and fun going to meetings at Rainbow Toastmasters and par-
ticipating in the group. The women toastmasters were especially delighted at
our arrival, because most of the participants were gay (or bi) men. Ironically,
this was where Sally’s bisexuality came out a bit more as she found herself
attracted to some of the gay men. She had a great time flirting with all the
genders at Toastmasters’ meetings.
Our explorations got a little more adventurous. I took Sally to a women’s
introductory tantra class in Sebastopol. Again, she was overwhelmed yet in-
trigued and excited to explore her sexuality in a group setting with women
of all sexual orientations who were open to being sensual and erotic with
other women. I also accompanied her one weekend to a Women’s Cele-
brating the Body Erotic workshop presented by The Body Electric School in
Oakland.
Although these experiences challenged her on many levels (group nu-
dity, “yoni showing,” massage, orgasmic breath work, dancing, ritual), my
presence and support helped Sally push her edges. She was ready to do it
and integrated these experiences surprisingly easily.
388 Journal of Bisexuality

When we were ready to conclude our intimate work, she continued to

see Dr. F. She also enrolled in a 6-month women’s tantra intensive where
she went to Sebastopol one weekend a month for 6 months. After each
weekend, she would call me for a phone session to process the events of
the weekend. Dr. F. encouraged her to consult with me as needed because
I had far more experience in “alternative sexuality” communities like these.
Eventually, we concluded our work together. Sally continued attending
the women’s tantra group and met a woman at a workshop with whom she
developed a loving sexual and romantic relationship. We spoke recently on
the phone as Sally was preparing to move to another state with her lover. She
continued to be amazed at how compatible they were and how “easy” the
relationship was. I was delighted she had found a lover, especially through
one of these alternative communities.
Sally made an amazing transition in her life. She was able to do this
through the combination of talk therapy with Dr. F, appropriate medications
for her depression and surrogate therapy with me. The fact that she had the
commitment and resources to stick with the process for as long as it took her
to find her identity as a bisexual/lesbian woman contributed to the success
of her therapy and the happiness she is currently experiencing. I am proud
of the work we did together and honored by the amazing trust Sally placed
in me as her surrogate partner and guide.
When Sally and I completed our work, Dr. F and I did our own clo-
sure, as is customary in surrogate partner therapy. We agreed that the extra
time spent in a community where Sally could express herself socially as a
bisexual woman, and/or simply as a woman with a female partner, was ex-
tremely beneficial therapeutically. It enabled Sally to have a wide variety of
social, sensual and sexual experiences in a completely safe and supportive
situation with me by her side, literally holding her hand at times. I recom-
mend including some form of practical and supported activities such as the
types described above when socializing a person questioning their sexual
orientation.

Linda Poelzl is a self-identified bisexual woman and has been working in

the field of human sexuality since 1990 as a sex educator, public speaker,
writer, coach and sexological bodyworker. She was trained as a professional
surrogate partner and has been working with clients in sex therapy for 16 years.
Linda’s clientele includes women, men, transgender and intersex people. She
is currently writing a book about her career in sexual health and well-being.
She can be reached through her website: www.waterdragonwoman.com.
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