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INTJ / September 14, 2018

What It’s Like Being an INTJ

Woman
by Andre Sólo

A
ll introverts feel like outcasts at times.
But there may be no one who feels
more like an outsider than women of
the INTJ personality type. While INTJ men
can generally fit in with other men, many INTJ
women don’t fit in with other women — or
sometimes with anyone at all.

I can’t pretend to be able to fix that, at least

not alone. As an INTJ man, I’m no
spokesperson for the women of my personality
type. But I can see that my female INTJ
friends and colleagues really struggle to be
understood, so I decided to recruit expert help
in the form of career coach Penelope Trunk.

Trunk is an ENTJ personality, the INTJ’s

extroverted twin. She also has one of the
largest followings of female INTJ readers of
any blogger in the world. Trunk got those
readers because she gives INTJs exactly what
we want: blunt, no-nonsense answers. I talked
with Trunk about the difficulties that INTJ
women face.

(What’s your personality type? Take a free

personality test.)

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Portrait of an INTJ Woman

Trunk said that INTJ women are right to feel
like they don’t fit in — because they often
don’t. “INTJ women just aren’t typical of
women in general,” she told me. “INTJ is the
rarest personality type for women.” In fact, at
about 0.5 percent of the population, INTJ
women might be the rarest of any gender/type
combination (perhaps only rivaled by INFJ
men).

That means, as an INTJ woman, you could

easily go your whole life and meet only a few
other women like you.

Trunk ticked off a list of ways that INTJ

women stand out:

Gray or black seems to be the unofficial

dress code for all INTJs, and many INTJ
women wear minimal makeup. They prefer
function over fashion. Many have a system
for what to wear and when, so they don’t
have to think about it.
Many INTJ women don’t enjoy traditional
female activities like shopping. They tend
to shop alone, with a checklist, and get in
and out as quickly as possible.
Work and school are not social activities
for INTJ women. They focus on
accomplishing goals, and as introverts,
they’re often alienated from the bonding
that everyone else goes through.
Many INTJ women are told they’re
intimidating. People think their no-
nonsense attitude is an act that they will
drop sooner or later. But it’s just who they
are.
INTJ women smash gender stereotypes.
Many are drawn to careers that aren’t
“typical” female jobs, such as in
management, information systems, the
sciences, etc.

But the biggest difference between INTJs and

other women is simply temperament. Most
INTJ women aren’t “warm” the way women
are expected to be, and they’re rarely the
emotional partner in any relationship. INTJs
do have deep emotional needs, like anyone
else, but they generally prefer to keep their
feelings private.

Trunk said this temperament is exactly what

makes INTJ women generally so competent
and successful in the workplace. “Every
organization needs people who will make cool,
dispassionate decisions,” she said. “INTJ
women refuse to do the ineffective thing even
if it’s the ‘feel-good’ thing.”

The Biggest Obstacle for INTJ

Women
When I asked Trunk about the biggest
obstacle for INTJ women, she didn’t even
pause: “Being questioned for why they can’t fit
in with other women.”

I took this answer to a group of nearly one

hundred INTJ women, and they resoundingly
agreed. Most have only a few female friends,
and many were tomboys as kids. Over and
over, I heard that female politics or “girl stuff”
is like a foreign language, one they’re expected
to speak but were never taught. Several even
wondered how much more they could have
accomplished with their powerful minds if
they had been born male.

Instead, they’re constantly questioned for their

blunt, sensible attitude. “If I were a dude, my
workplace wouldn’t care about my demeanor
and personality being the way it is,” one told
me.

But it’s not just the workplace that’s hard.

Relationships can be even harder. According
to Trunk, “INTJ women don’t need a lot of the
things out of a relationship that a traditional
relationship provides. They aren’t going to
take care of all their partner’s emotional
needs, and they tend to be goal-oriented and
financially independent. All they really need is
love and support.”

In some cases, INTJ women are more fulfilled

by their career than they are by their
relationships, which can lead to being seen as
emotionally stunted:

“Your family thinks it’s sad that you work so

hard, and they try to get you to do things for
‘fun.’ Although everyone needs a healthy
balance, what they don’t understand is that for
you, working generally is fun.”

According to Trunk, this also leads to the

biggest mistake INTJ women make. “They
settle. They start to try to fake it, and they
downplay their competence. They know it puts
people off so they try to hide it.” Trunk said
this gamble never pays off. “You can’t fake it.
You’ll still seem different. So then you’re still
the outcast but without the dazzling brilliance
that people will respect about you.”

How to Be Happy as an INTJ

Woman
To me, what Trunk described sounded like a
catch 22. How can you find acceptance, if
you’re an outsider whether you try to fit in or
not? But Trunk said that fitting in with the
female norm wasn’t the point at all.
She offered several tips for finding acceptance:

1. Seek out other women with big

goals.
“As an INTJ woman, your aspirations might be
outside of traditional female roles, but you’re
not the only one. Surround yourself with
women with big ambitions — you’ll fit in.”
Professional associations, women’s leadership
events, and continuing education classes are
all great places to meet ambitious women.

2. Give yourself permission to be you.

Many INTJ women don’t act like the “typical”
woman, and sometimes they aren’t drawn to
careers that are traditionally female — and
that’s okay. Give yourself permission to do
what works for you. As an added bonus, when
you become more comfortable in your own
skin, others will naturally respect and accept
you more.

3. Seek a partner who understands

your emotional needs.
Even though they tend to keep their feelings to
themselves, INTJ women aren’t emotionless
robots. They have emotional needs, too, and
they want to feel loved and cared for, just like
anyone else. If dealing with emotional matters
isn’t your strong suite, consider seeking a
partner or friends who can do the emotional
“heavy-lifting” in the relationship.

Learn more

4. Try meeting friends at work.

Being accepted and understood feels very good
to an INTJ woman, but it can be hard to find
that acceptance with family members. Instead,
turn to the colleagues you admire the most.
These are the people who will respect your
natural competence and like your personality.

There’s a much bigger world out there than

“girl stuff,” and there are both men and
women who will appreciate you for who you
are. There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact,
the world could use more women like you. 

Seminar for INTJs: Our partner Quistic

offers a course for INTJ success. “Best
Practices for Leveraging INTJ Strengths (and
How to Be a Likable INTJ)” is a four-part
webinar from career coach Penelope Trunk.
Includes access to a private Facebook group
with nearly 200 success-oriented INTJs. Learn
more about the INTJ course here.

More INTJ Resources

5 Confessions of a Female INTJ
7 Secrets About Being in a Relationship
With an INTJ Personality
24 Signs That You’re an INTJ Personality
Type
12 Things the INTJ Personality Absolutely
Hates
6 Things the INTJs in Your Life Probably
Won’t Tell You About Themselves

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Written By
Andre Sólo
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Name

Lama III − ⚑
5 years ago edited

Great article ..

thanks Andre for everything .. I really appreciate what you

did here .

when you always believe that people don't feel comfortable

around you and you get rejected sometimes because they
feel threatened and always misunderstand you, finally you
will lose your confident and your self esteem . Generally we
experience a tough life.
5△ ▽ Reply
Irisette > Lama III − ⚑
a year ago

You can train yourself to stop caring about what others

think of you.

△ ▽ 1 Reply

Mulan − ⚑
5 years ago

Well written, I liked this article. I am wondering all my life

why are men often afraid of me :)
6△ ▽ Reply
Catherine > Mulan − ⚑
5 years ago

So true. Most men are terrified of me too, can't think

why. Only my ex and my husband aren't, which was why
I liked them.
5△ ▽ Reply
Intj > Catherine − ⚑
2 years ago

I have had this experience my whole life as well. I

think it has to do with the natural confidence we
display without realizing it. It unnerves a lot of men
especially the more sensitive ones. Also the
traditional role of men is to protect and care for
women and INTJ Females scream disinterest and no
need by their very aura. Unfortunately for me, I have
a really hard time respecting anyone who fears me. So
a lot of men I quickly dismiss or worse I find myself
wanting to give them something to be afraid of.
3△ ▽ Reply
Catherine > Intj − ⚑
2 years ago

Yes, it's weird, I can't imagine why men are afraid of

me (and women sneer at me) I must be giving off
something that scares/puts them off. I do tend to stay
at home now and don't socialise anymore for various
reasons though.
1△ ▽ Reply

KathleenWagner − ⚑
5 years ago

I'm an INTJ who went to Yale, married at 23, and stayed

home to homeschool my large family . . . so I not only don't
fit in with other women, I don't even fit in with other INTJ
women. My experience has not been one of longing for
understanding and acceptance. Wanting to be accepted
presupposes a belief that others are right and I am wrong
about how to live my life. That's obviously not the case.
Problem solved.
11 △ ▽ Reply
Tessera > KathleenWagner − ⚑
5 years ago

I retired from practicing law to homeschool my kids,

and I'm very domestic and arts & crafty, so I don't fit
with anyone either: my INTJ nature causes women of
other types to turn on me for not being warm enough or
doing the self-deprecation and drama dance, while INTJ
women don't understand my interests and lifestyle. C'est
la vie!
8△ ▽ Reply
Love Ewe > Tessera − ⚑
5 years ago

I am the same, got a degree but then homeschool my

kids. I agree other type women turn on me for not
being 'warm enough' or 'intimidating'. I do not
personally know any INTJ women with kids, the
college friends went onto careers and feel they have
nothing in common with me now. Nice to see I am
not the only one, but we are a rare subset of a rare
type apparently.
5△ ▽ Reply
Sharon Lager > Love Ewe − ⚑
5 years ago edited

I Homeschooled my children. Divorced as a result of

cheating,porn,lying and drugs by my spouse after 25
yrs. of it. Tried everything I knew to "fix" it. It has
been 9 yrs. and I haven't met anyone I would hang
out with, male or female. I have an awesome 21 yr old
with DS and 2 older INTJ children. Would love to
have a husband, but men don't want what I have or
don't have apparently. #not a bimbo, #not a porn
star. I am a Christian who loves to be home, work on
design projects (love to shop for those online), read
and have intellectual discussions (usually with my
INTJ children) Being an INTJ female is very lonely.
6△ ▽ Reply
Candice Michelle > Sharon Lager − ⚑
5 years ago edited

I would have loved to have an INTJ parent! I am a

female INTJ & my mother (poor thing) is an ESFP,
literally could not be more opposite of myself and has
never understood me, which pains her and did me
greatly when I was younger. My mother finds me cold
when I correct her misinformation (which is sadly
often, too often) and says I am difficult to talk to
because of it. No matter how much I try to reason and
explain I don't do it to be mean, just that
misinformation being spread in dangerous, it doesn't
come through to her that way. I never felt more
isolated than I did in my own family and I believe it is
because of this I learned to socialize, but at a cost. I
am always bored in social environments, small
meaningless talk kill me, yet it's expected. You're too
"aloof" if you don't engage or the double edge sward,
you do talk & are taken as aggressive, opinionated,
and my constant, being accused of degrading others
for articulating your thoughts with words that have
more than 3 syllables ("large" or uncommonly used
wording scares an awfully vast amount of people ' -_-
'). I am always drained arriving late and leaving early
because of it. I hid in my room a lot as a child and by
the time I was in 5th grade no one in my family with
the exception of my older ENTJ brother would play
me at chess, scrabble, trivial pursuit, or anything I
found interesting. I didn't feel like I fit in the world
naturally (had to fake it, my mask I call it) and even ×
worse it was very apparent I didn't fit at home, but
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