Behavior Guide for Respectful Relationships,

Building Trust and Resolving Differences

By Paul J. Scoglio

Self-management promotes understanding and introduces self-respect and respect towards

others in relationships. Methods for self-management include the following seventeen ideas.

1. Grounding: Get yourself physically grounded * before you approach a conversation.

Speaking calmly. Monitor your tone of voice and emotional state. If angry, avoid
taking any action other than calling a “time out.” Avoid using angry solutions to
problems. With children, avoid any disciplinary action while feeling anger, other than
saying, “There will be a consequence”. *Getting ground refers to self-embodiment,
which is full awareness that you have a body and that you are in it, in the present
moment. There are many ways to do this. Getting grounded is a fundamental element
of the leadership coaching and mindfulness meditation practices.
2. Reflective Listening: Use reflective listening (or listening at Level Two*). Use “I
Statements” and ask others to engage in reflective listening as well. Reflect back
what you have heard. Find a kind way to state your opinion. Speaking in terms of
only yourself. Avoid using the pronoun “you”.
3. Being Non-Judgmental: Do not make any judgments. Avoid criticism. Be curious
first. Notice your assumptions. Clarify the your assumptions out-loud with others and
evaluate the legitimacy of your expectations. Then begin to speak about the personal
facts relating to you and your assumptions and expectations without referencing any
disappointment.
4. Time-out: Always call a time out when necessary, before things get heated. If you
notice emotion rising in yourself or in the other, then take the time-out and agree on a
time to resume the talking. It is customary for a time-out to have a beginning and an
end. 15 to 90-minutes are often all that is needed. More time can be acceptable and
waiting more than 24-hours to resume a conversation is probably too long.
5. Refraining from Use of Force: Never use force of any kind in a relationship. Force
is involved when people make efforts to convince, manipulate or make others feel
guilt or shame. If a conversation reflects a level of competition then subtle force is
involved. Use of angry words or angry gestures is evidence of force. Pushing or
“selling” an opinion is a forceful process. Expressing an opinion is not necessarily
forceful. There are many points of view. Remember self-control will save the day.
Also see item 17 below.
6. Surprise & Abandonment: Announce comings and goings. Avoid leaving loved
ones with a sense of surprise or abandonment or wondering about where you are.
Call ahead if you are going to change the plan or be late.
7. Avoid Universal Statements: Avoid using universal statements like, “You
always…” “You never…” “It is always about you…” “I am the only one who…” “
 Why is it always me…?” This kind of statement serves only to change the subject
and distract the listener from understanding the real point. As soon as you use a
universal statement the listener will think of an exception and/or take offence.
8. Avoid Using Sarcasm: Sarcasm is the speedy conveyance of an emotionally charged
message along with the implication that, “We do not have to talk about this!” The
emotionally charged message often includes judgments, shaming put downs and or
ridicule. If you hear someone say something that feels sarcastic, it is best to refuse to
accept the message by saying, “That sounds sarcastic. Can you say that in another
way?” Sarcasm in a relationship can seem to conserve time and emotional energy,
however the saving is at the expense of the relationship. The alternative to sarcasm is
often an intimate conversation.
9. The Delusion of Mind Reading: Mind reading is a delusion. Speak about your
assumptions and expectations clearly and often. Be curious about your partner’s
assumptions and expectations. Clarify what you expect. Determine with the other
person if your expectation is reasonable. Expectations are the consequence of
negotiated agreements. Negotiation does not happen with mind reading.
10. Polarity of Opinions: When differences occur, agree to disagree. Marvel at the array
of differences that are possible. Practice inclusive conversations as opposed to
exclusive conversations. Do not say, “That’s wrong.” or “You are wrong.” Instead
say, “That is interesting.” “We have such different perspectives.” “I never would
have thought of that.” “How did you arrive at that idea or action?” Be curious about
the other opinion. Explain your opinion without attempting to convince in the
process. Whenever there are two opposing opinions or perspectives there is always at
least one other way that would be a creative win-win solution. Compromise is not
generally a win-win solution.
11. Offering Feedback: Providing feedback is a delicate process. The purpose here is
for your insights to be able to be appreciated by the other person. If you want to give
someone feedback, then first get permission. You might ask, “Will you give me
permission to give you feedback and possibly make you uncomfortable?” If they say,
“yes” then you might want to request, “Will you promise not to get angry with me?”
The reason you ask these questions is to help the person prepare for your feedback.
No matter how carefully you are while moving into sensitive territory, you may
create a problem if you are delivering a judgment along the way. It is important for
the person at the receiving end be prepared. People often do this preparation easily by
getting themselves grounded and centered when asked those questions. If they say
“No.” it means that they feel vulnerable, can not find a way to get grounded or can
not trust you enough to be with whatever you are about to say. Be patient with
someone who agrees to receive feedback. The point is to tell the truth from your
perspective. If you believe that you possess the ultimate truth then this process will
probably not go very well. Only use “I statements” and do not refer to the other
person by name or by using the pronouns “you, we, us, our”. Begin by saying, “My
perspective on this is…” Regardless of how right you think you are, the other person
may not agree. When giving feed back be certain that your words are not offensive to
 the listener. If they are offended then it is best to stop and be curious about the
offense taken. If they are offended by your message, then the heart of the message
will not be received even though they gave you permission to provide feedback.
Ideally, the purpose is for your insights to be able to be appreciated by the other
person and will illicit a thank you. Also review the second article, Rebuilding Trust:
The Loving Salve for Relational Betrayal or Other Relational Injury.
12. Boundaries: Be respectful of personal space and privacy issues. Respect the body,
the possessions, the emotions and the words of others. Do not enter someone’s
personal space without permission. Do not touch someone when you are angry. Do
not tell someone how he or she feels or should feel. Do not talk over another person’s
words while they are talking.
13. Comparisons: Avoid comparisons to others. Making comparisons to others gets
perceived as shaming and manipulative. Make no comparisons to other people.
Compare yourself to yourself. Compare your loved one to that same loved one. Look
at the progress or change in the individual over time. Comparisons to other people
generate the feeling of shame and/or envy.
14. Personal Authority: Be your own authority. No name-dropping. Do not bring
anyone else into the discussion as a way to validate yourself. Never say anything like,
“ I have talked to other people about this and they agree with me.” That would be
ganging up on the other person. Let your authority be your personal and powerful
truth.
15. Family of Origin Loyalty: Do not bring up your significant other’s family. Doing so
will trigger a defensive response or will be perceived as a personal attack because of
the bonds based on family of origin loyalty. The only exception would be to express
a compliment or statement of gratitude. In some cases that could be a problem.
16. Parental Loyalty: Do not talk to your child about the other parent. Doing so will
trigger a defensive response or will be perceived as a personal attack. This makes
children (young or old) very uncomfortable. Even if they might agree with you they
will not like you bringing it up. The exception is a complement.
17. Overt Uses of Force is Taboo: Name-calling, yelling, pointing at another person,
threats of violence, hitting, pushing, any angry statements or gestures, throwing or
punching objects, threats of leaving or ending the relationship are overt uses of force
and all on some level can feel violent. When an overt use of force occurs in
relationship, this is an indicator of a destructive relational process and relationship
coaching or counseling is over due.

Version 13, August 18 2021

Paul J. Scoglio, MSW, LICSW, DCSW, CPCC, CNET

Relationship Coaching and Counseling

978.921.8400 - www.paulscoglio.com - pjscoglio@gmail.com

 Compassionate Path for Rebuilding Trust in Cases of Relational
Betrayal or Other Relational Injury
Paul J. Scoglio

The following information and the “script” are guidelines for relational repair and building
trust following an incident of emotional betrayal or serious injury to a relationship. It is to be
used when the injured party (partner, spouse, child or friend) mentions or questions
something related to the incident of betrayal or injury. For the process to be successful it is
assumed that you will manage yourself well and demonstrate reflective listening skills (Level
Two*). If at any time you drop out of reflective listening (into Level One*), then you will have
lost any healing momentum in the conversation. Staying with the injured party’s agenda for
minutes can save years of relational grief for both parties.

1. Reflective listening, the first part of Level Two listening: Repeat what the injured party has
said. For example, “So I am hearing about the incident that happened five months ago and I hear
the question “was the hang-up phone call the night before the betrayal was discovered, was
connected to the incident of betrayal. Have I got that right?”
The injured party will acknowledge that you have heard the concern correctly or will qualify and
restate his/her concern. Repeat this step until you are told that you have heard it correctly.

2. Summary of understanding, the second part of Level Two listening: After repeating what
was said as close to verbatim as possible, then clarify your understanding by summarizing. For
example, “So what you mean is…?”

3. Curiosity, the third part of Level Two listening: Ask questions. If you do not understand
something completely, ask, “When you say “ . . . ” that means what?” Or simply ask, “Is there
more to tell me about this?”

4. Statements of recommitment and intention: Once you have successfully acknowledged that
you have heard about the injury and pain (It is always about pain or it would not be mentioned.)
then it is time to make statements that affirm your recommitment and intention to act differently
from this time forward.

The Script:
A. You say, “I love you.” (If there was a question asked then you also answer the question
as best you can.)
B. Next you say, “I am sorry that happened.”
C. Then you say, “I wish that never happened.”
D. And you say, “ I would never want that to happen again.” Or you say, ”I would never
want to put you through that again.”
E. Then again you say, “I love you.”

These statements along with your listening at Level Two are the ingredients for healing when trust
is lost in a relationship.

5. Openness to continuing the discussion: Return to listening at Level Two: You ask, “Is there
anything else you want to say about that?”
Integrity: If there is more to be said about the incident then it is important to go back to item 1 and
start through the list of five steps again. Keep repeating this process until the subject or subjects are
all talked out. Your partner will welcome the script even if it is read from this document. This is a
healing process. This is a script for communicating love and demonstrating the capacity to build
trust and witness healing in the other person. The only way this will work is if all of these
statements are true for you. If you feel you have to lie in this process then do not initiate this
process. It will be extremely destructive and function as relationship poison rather than healing
medicine.

Why use this exercise? Living in the past restricts living in the present. It only makes sense to
revisit past injuries within the process of healing. Healing allows you to leave the past behind. The
healing process requires a safe time and place to process and move beyond hurts, fears, anger and
resentment. By using this script you will create the safe time and safe place necessary for healing.

Perspective: For some it may appear that a partner revisits the past out of vengeance. This is a
common and mistaken perception. The fact is they are compelled to do so, in search of healing and
freedom from the pain of past injury. Seeing this process differently requires a perspective change
on the part of the person who acted in a way that created the injury.

* Listening levels are discussed and level two listening is practiced in relationship coaching
sessions. Level One is all about me. No matter what I hear, I think about the words in terms of
myself and this is generally not helpful to the person talking and expecting to be heard. What
happens at this level is that the words are heard and understood as if they were the listener’s own
words. Listening at level one means I never get to approximate be in the other person’s shoes.
Level Two is all about the other person. No matter what they say, I stay focused on them, focused
on the meaning for them, of the words they are speaking. It requires being focused and curious on
the feelings and experiences being witnessed.
Learning to listen at Level Two is like learning to ride a bicycle. It takes coaching and practice. The
Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, California developed the Three Levels of Listening. As a
result many coaches now teach these fundamentals for living, working and communicating well.

Summary Script
1. Reflective listening, Level Two listening
2. Summary of understanding
3. Curiosity
4. Statements of recommitment and intention
A. Say, “I love you.” And answer the question if any.
B. Next say, “I am sorry that happened.”
C. Then say, “I wish that never happened.”
D. And say, “ I would never want that to happen again.”
or ”I would never want to put you through that again.”
E. Then again say, “I love you.”
5. Stay open to continuing the discussion.

Paul J. Scoglio, MSW, LICSW, Scoglio Relationship Coaching & Counseling

978.921.8400 www.paulscoglio.com pjscoglio@gmail.com
Version 15 – August 18, 2021