Healing The Abandoned Child by Shireen Olikh - 230127 - 124553

SHIREEN OLIKH
LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
HEALING
THE
ABANDONED
CHILD
A book on surviving childhood

trauma, and healing
Copyright © 2021 Shireen Olikh
All rights reserved.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced,
distributed, or used in any manner whatsoever without the express
written permission of the author, except for the use of brief
quotations in a book review.
First printing, 2021 by Lap Soon Sdn Bhd.
Distributed by Illuminated Therapy
@the_illuminated_psychologist
I dedicate this book to my HS.
I would be nothing without you.

Contents
How it all started ................. Pg 1
Generational trauma ........... Pg 2
Words from Shireen ............. Pg 7
The abandoned child ............. Pg 9
Inner child ................................ Pg 10
Abandonment wound .............. Pg 18
Trauma bonding ....................... Pg 38
Attachment styles ..................... Pg 58
The mother wound ................... Pg 68
The father wound .................... Pg 89
People-pleaser ............................ Pg 102
Choosing yourself ..................... Pg 112
Reparenting .............................. Pg 117
21 days to healing ..................... Pg 127
Healed inner child .................... Pg 131
External validation ................... Pg 137
Lovers & abandonment ........... Pg 140
Building self-validation ............ Pg 150
Narcissist & abandonment ....... Pg 154
Red flags ..................................... Pg 156
Friends & family ...................... Pg 161
Trusting yourself ...................... Pg 167
Setting boundaries ................... Pg 171
Inner voice ................................ Pg 172
Stages of abandonment ........... Pg 176
Self-love ................................... Pg 183
Final words ............................. Pg 187
Healing The Abandoned Child 1
How it all started
A little girl with light brown eyes, and honey tinted hair. She's sweet to everyone
she meets, yet incredibly shy. She reads way too many mystery books, and
sometimes loses herself in the story itself. She's the youngest in a family of three,
always seen as the "baby". She bites her nails, and gets scolded for it. Nobody
really understands that she bites her nails because she's anxious and scared. Her
nail biting keeps her safe, yet it's seen as a bad habit.
What could this little girl possibly be anxious and scared about? She couldn't be
any older than 8 years old.
Behind the closed doors of what looks like the perfect family home, she witnesses
her parents constantly arguing with each other. They're always screaming, and
fighting. She's so scared, and just wants someone to hold her, and let her know
everything is okay.
But nobody really sees her. The adults are too busy arguing to really see, or hear,
her. While she is surrounded by people, she feels lost, and alone. The seed of
abandonment has been planted.
She grows up looking for love in all the wrong places, and in doing so, she keeps
abandoning herself. That's all she has ever really known....the dark feeling of being
abandoned.
At some point, she finally becomes aware of her pain, and peels off the layers of it,
so that she can begin to heal.
How do I know so much about this little girl with light brown eyes?
Because I am her.
This book is all about surviving childhood trauma, and healing.
So here is to healing the abandonment wound....
And most importantly, here is to healing the abandoned child.

Generational Trauma
Before we dive into healing the abandoned child, we have to understand where all
of this stems from. Don't point the finger at your parents just yet....it runs deeper
than that. You see, problems can become so ingrained in a family that is is often
what we refer to as generational trauma.
Looking at the word trauma itself, it refers to an experience that occurs in an

individual’s life that may cause serious harm. This harm involves mental,
emotional and physical aspects. It can cause the individual to feel deeply disturbed
and feel as though they're not in control of their lives.
Trauma refers to many different areas such as losing a loved one, breaking an arm,
living with a parent or spouse who abuses substances, or even witnessing an act of
violence. When we experience any kind of trauma, it can have emotional and
physical reactions. Meaning anxiety, trouble sleeping, having intrusive thoughts,
feeling disconnected from our loved ones. In children this might look like having
frequent tummy aches, trying to skip school, and expressing anger.
So now that you have a better understanding of trauma itself, we can dive deeper
into 'generational trauma'. This refers to trauma that is passed on from generation
to generation. It is a traumatic event that occurred decades before the present
generation, yet it still has impact on how the present generation understands, copes
with, and heals from trauma. Some people inherit family heirlooms, others inherit
generational trauma. Where do you fall?
As a psychologist, I look at my clients through the lens of:

1. Is this a pattern in my client’s family?
2. How can we break this pattern?
Luckily with the growing talks on mental health, there is much more focus now on
the lens of generational trauma that we have enough tools to properly assist others
in healing from trauma that was never theirs to begin with.
What does it look like in families?
If you're wondering how generational trauma is normally identified in families,

have a look below:
1. The family might view discussing feelings as a sign of weakness.
2. The family might be seen as being emotionally numb (overall having a very
strong hesitancy to discussing feelings).
3. The family may always be in some sort of conflict.
4. The family may come across as being extremely protective of their children
(even though there doesn't seem to be any danger).
5. The family lacks healthy boundaries
6. The family communicates in a passive aggressive manner
The above are just a few tell-tale signs of generational trauma being present in a
family. This is how trauma affects generation after generation, yet is seen as
"normal" to many families.
Because they're still living in survival mode.
Because nobody has been able to break out of the cycle.
So, what happens?
The trauma repeats itself. Many out there are simply living a life responding to
their trauma. You see, the body remembers. Meaning that every difficult memory
or event that you ever went through gets stored in the body, only to rear its head
again when you are triggered during a later event in your life.
Until you actually address it, you will always live your life responding to trauma.
So how does one go about healing this? To start off with, whenever you have a
negative behavior, start to ask yourself "Why am I doing this?"
You will begin to become aware of your automatic responses which currently keep
you in a place of reacting to your trauma.
"Pain travels through

families until
someone is ready to
feel it."
-Stephi Wagner
Diving deeper into generational trauma
Let’s look at 3 generations of women.

My grandmother.
My mother.
Myself.
My grandmother was a child-bride. She got married when she was 12 years old.
She had multiple children at a young age. She can't read or write. She lost her
husband (my grandfather) at a young age, had 9 children to raise, experienced
financial hardship, and sadly attended 2 of her children’s funerals. You can
imagine the amount of sorrow, and stress, she has endured in her 97 years of life.
My mother was the only child of my grandmother who graduated college (medical
school to be exact). She got married, and spent her life prioritizing her husband
(my father) and children (my siblings, and I). While she studied to become a
Doctor, she spent most of her life as a homemaker. She suffered from depression,
anxiety, and loneliness - she passed away from mental health related issues.
I always felt misunderstood by my parents. I felt that I was never "brown" enough
or "Malaysian" enough to be accepted. I found it difficult to trust men. There was
always a nagging voice of the pressure to succeed. I went through my share of
trauma, anxiety, and depression. All of this affected my confidence levels. I turned
to substances, and became an addict.
So where does it end? It ends with me. I feel the pain of the generations before me
so that I can heal it, and stop it from being passed on to the next generation.
When I finally felt the pain, I was able to successfully heal from my addictions,
and now live a life being sober and clean.
5 steps to healing
You must become aware of the patterns. Without the awareness, you can't identify
what is occurring in the family systems that is unhealthy.
• Step 1 is to become aware of the patterns. Some are more prominent that
others (i.e., anxiety, depression, domestic abuse, financial abuse, forced
gender roles etc).
• Step 2 is to become aware of your triggers. Why do you get angry? What
makes you upset? Is it someone yelling at you? Is it the feeling of being
unappreciated? Perhaps watching people bully others?
• Step 3 is to become aware of how you react to the triggers. Do you shut
down? Perhaps you get angry? Or may you become violent and yell?
• Step 4 is learning to block the patterns you have identified. Once you
become aware of a trigger and automatic response, you become accountable
to break out of it.
• Step 5 is to show yourself patience and compassion. These patterns have

been around for a long time. They're not going to heal overnight or even in a
month. It takes time. You must become aware of the patterns. Without the
awareness, you can't identify what is occurring in the family systems that is
unhealthy.
Important: Healing is a process. It takes time. Do not rush the healing process.
Words from Shireen
Do you know what is one thing that has been made extremely apparent to me since
I overcame my substance abuse addictions?
This…
People will kick you when you are down, and they will praise you when you
succeed.
I failed at overcoming my addictions for approximately a decade. I tried so many

times to give them up, that at one point I remember feeling embarrassed because I
was trying again. During some of the hardest moments of my life, this is what was
said to me by my family and friends: "You're giving it up? Yeah, right. I've heard
you say that so many times before, and you always fail. You'll probably just fail
again."
I believe they didn't realize that substances were my way of coping with my
trauma. Well, how could they have realized it, when I myself didn't? All I
remember is that for every emotionally charged event in my life (anything ranging
from happiness to sadness to anger and so on), substances were always my go-to. I
didn't realize that I was simply masking my pain by numbing it out, or replacing it
with short lived happiness.
When I say healing is a process. I mean it. I know it may sound cliché, but it took
me almost a decade to overcome my addictions. Had I not been patient with
myself, I would not be successful today.
"Trauma is stored in
the body, and in the
brain. It can only be
healed once it is
acknowledged."
-Shireen Olikh
The abandoned child
You could have grown up with both your parents being in your life, yet still felt
abandoned. This leads to the abandonment wound. It stems from a feeling of
loneliness - this can appear as a phobia or even as a form of anxiety. I'd like to
highlight that the biggest cause of the abandonment wound would be early
childhood experiences. It could be the divorce of your parents, loss of a loved one,
or even not getting enough emotional or physical care as a child.
Which leads us to the next area. The emotional abandonment. This happens for a
variety of reasons, but the main four are:
• When parents don't let their children express themselves emotionally.

• When parents ridicule their children.
• Parents put too much pressure on their children to be "perfect".
• Parents treat their children like their friends (i.e., unable to provide the child
the emotional investment that he/she needs).
The abandoned child is essentially one that did not receive consistent interactions,
that were warm and attentive. As a child, the lack of attention leaves them feeling
stressed, anxious or fearful. Whatever is experienced during childhood, forms the
way the child views the world, and it carried forward into adulthood. This is why
abandonment issues become more prominent when people get older.
Let’s talk about your inner child
Your inner child is the part of your personality that still reacts and feels like a
child. It is a person's true self that is often hidden in adulthood. To dive deeper, the
inner child is an individual's childlike aspect, and it includes what a person learned
as a child, before puberty. The inner child is often conceived as a subpersonality-
subordinate to the waking conscious mind (i.e. it's often not acknowledged).
In order to truly heal, we must acknowledge the inner child so that we can heal the
inner child. To heal the inner child, you must address your needs that weren't met
as a child, and heal any attachment wounds. Healing your inner child helps you to
explore your authentic feelings, and parts of you that may have been rejected, or
even labelled as "bad".
Maybe you're wondering if you have to carry out inner child healing. Well, think
about it like this. As an adult, you are simply carrying the wounds from you
childhood. With inner child healing, you can identify, acknowledge and finally
heal shame or perceptions that you're bad. By doing so, you begin to create the
safety, and security, that you longed for as a child.
Before we go any deeper, there are 5 strategies that we must discuss.

5 strategies for the inner child
Okay, so you're ready to do the work and heal. First you have to reach out to your
inner child. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Strategy #1 - You have to keep an open mind. It's okay to feel a little uncertain
regarding the idea of an inner child. Trust me, I thought it was quite an abstract
concept too when I first learnt about it. But the trick here is to not look at the inner
child as a separate personality or person.
Simply think of the inner child as a representative of your past experiences. When
you connect with your inner child, you open up the door to the memories of the
past which are laced with both good and bad elements.
This allows you to understand yourself better, and leads to overall improved
health. If you resist connecting with your inner child, it will lead to barriers in your
life. I call these the blocks. Finding it hard to succeed in your career? Inner child
block. Tough time controlling your anger? Inner child block.
Terrible at baking cakes? Inner.....nah, that one is probably just on you.
Strategy #2 - Time to revisit childhood memories. When you explore recollections

of your past, it can help you to reconnect with your inner child. This is as photos,
or other keepsakes, can help you to tap into the emotional space of the past.
Think about flipping through old photo albums, year books, or even childhood
diaries. One of my favorite reconnecting exercises would be visualizations.
Visualization exercise
Prepare some hot tea for yourself - I enjoy Jasmine tea, but any green tea or herbal
tea will do too. Sit in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Take in 3 deep
breaths. So often the mind takes you to the past or the future. I want you to connect
with the present moment, and soon your inner child journey will begin. You may
close your eyes for the following if you prefer (it is not a requirement, but I
personally prefer doing any visualization exercises with my eyes closed).
Picture yourself (current age) walking through a forest. A private forest just for
you. As you walk through the forest, you notice a small figure up ahead. As you
walk closer to the figure, you realize that you know who it is. It is you.
Approximately age 8. What do you look like? What are you wearing? What is your
hair like? Look into the eyes of 8 year old you.....are you happy or sad? Do you
feel lost and alone? Do you feel strong and hopeful? Acknowledge what your inner
child has been going through. Hold your 8 year old self close. Let yourself know 4
things.....
1. I love you.
2. I’m sorry.
3. Please forgive me.
4. Thank you.
Normally the forgiveness is asked because the adult version has forgotten the inner
child. Let your inner child know that he/she is safe, and you won't abandon them
again.
Space for your reflections

Note: use this space to jot down on your experiences with your inner child.
Now let’s get back to those strategies!
Strategy #3 - Spend time doing the things that you enjoyed. As a child you
probably did a lot of fun things....not because you had to do them, but simply
because you wanted to. Maybe you enjoyed reading books, or having little arts and
crafts projects.
The point here is that many of us lose touch with the things that brought us such
joy when we were children. It's time to let your active adult brain take a break, and
tap into some emotions that may be buried deep within the mind of your inner self.
This is best done through creative activities like doodling, drawing or journaling.
You don't have to be Picasso or Shakespeare to get started. This is just about
connecting with your inner child.
Strategy #4 - Talk to your inner child. There isn't really any point in
acknowledging your inner child, if you're just going to continue ignoring them.
One of the best ways to connect, is to open up a conversation. If you have
childhood wounds that are traumatic, writing about it can help to heal it. By
writing, you begin to understand the layers to yourself, and perhaps even
understand some of the reasons behind your adult fears, and patterns.
Understanding your inner child will allow you to understand yourself better. Some
questions to ask your inner child:
(a) How do you feel?
(b) What can I do to make you feel safe?
(c) Do you feel loved?
(d) Are you happy?

When I did this with my inner child, I learnt that she felt scared. All she wanted
was for me to hold her, and let her know she was safe. To make her feel loved, she
wanted to hear that she was perfect as she was. She wasn't happy initially, but
when I promised to see her more often, she smiled.
Strategy #5 - Talk to a licensed mental health care professional. Reaching out to

your inner child memories can be painful, and trigger traumatic memories.
Guidance from an appropriate health care professional is much better than talking
to family or friends. The reason is that family and friends are not adequately
trained to assist you in navigating through trauma, and while they may have good
intentions, they may say things that cause more harm.
A licensed and trained mental health care professional can offer you support, and
introduce you to a variety of healing modalities, ad well as coping skills. If you're
specifically interested in inner child healing, ask your therapist if they are
experienced in this area.
Remember, the inner child may seem abstract, but essentially it is the part of you
that holds onto unresolved pain and repressed emotions.
A wrap up of these strategies.....
It's not about being immature, or saying that you don't want to grow up. It is simply
about tapping into your childhood experiences and memories, so that you can
better understand your adult self.
When you truly heal from your pain, you will begin to live a life built on a
foundation of self-compassion, and a newfound confidence in yourself to
overcome any challenges that life throws at you.
"Creating a connection
with your inner child
can lead to a more
complete sense of self."
-Shireen Olikh
Inner child: abandonment wound
To dive in deeper, we're going to look at the abandonment wound that the inner
child has experienced. The abandonment wound itself is an important area linked
to mental health, yet it is under-represented. Think about complex trauma, it is not
listed in diagnostic manual for psychologists, but it exists. The same goes with the
abandonment wound....while it is not listed as the cause for mental illness
experienced by many, it is essentially the invisible injury that lays the foundation
for the mental illness.
So instead of treating symptoms that are being exhibited presently, lets get down to
the core of it. I want you to understand what happened, and how this has affected
you.
Remember when I mentioned emotional abandonment earlier? From a child's

perspective, this can simply be a parent dismissing you or not acknowledging you.
When you receive "nothing" from a loved one, that itself can feel like emotional
abandonment. This could also refer to lack of hugs, kisses, I love you's, or
acknowledgments for academic achievements. Children need to feel that they
matter to those they love (i.e. parents)....so imagine the hurt that a child is
experiencing if he/she has never heard "I am proud of you".
Reflection: Did you grow up hearing the phrase "I am proud of you"? If you did
not, please take a moment to connect with your inner child, and let your inner child
know that you are proud of him/her.
Abandonment wound 101
Even if your parents were around physically, you can still experience an
abandonment wound. It can stem from a parent who was physically or emotionally
absent. Meaning that a core need of yours was not met, and being abandoned as a
child became familiar to you. As adults we subconsciously recreate our childhood
patterns. Why? Because it's familiar. The mind plays a small trick on us where it
convinces us that familiar equals safety. That's why you always hear stories of men
marrying women whom are similar to their mothers (i.e. familiar personality/traits
triggers a response within the body which then sends a signal to the brain of "we
know what this is, so we must be safe here"). It's a trick. Familiar doesn't always
mean healthy. This also applies to women marrying men whom are similar to their
fathers.
Perhaps you're wondering.....can you just ignore the abandonment wound. After
all, if you can't see it....perhaps it's not that big of a deal after all.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. The more that we try to bury, and ignore,
the abandonment wound....the more that it rears its head in other ways. This will at
some point cause extreme distress to your life.
You have options. Continue your life with the unhealthy cycles, or acknowledge
them and heal.
Ways the abandonment wound forms
You must begin to look at the world, and past experiences, from the lens of a child.
Remember, the child is helpless, and completely dependent on their caregiver.
Scene:
Imagine a child - Adam - at the supermarket. Playing in the aisles, carefree, no

thought about adult schedules or responsibilities. Then you have Adam's mum.
She's at the cashier paying. She still has to pay a few utility bills, collect her
vacuum cleaner from the repair shop, and go home to cook for the family. She
doesn't have time for Adam's aisle playing. She is in a rush. So to get Adam to
come with her quickly, she says "Ok Adam, mummy is leaving now. You can stay
here. Byeeeee." and she proceeds to walk towards her car. There you have
Adam.....from his lens, it is "How can you leave me!? Don't you love me!? I need
you to survive, and you're just leaving????" So Adam hysterically runs after
mummy right? He gets in the car, visibly upset.....and mummy doesn't even realize
that she just planted the seed of abandonment in Adam.
This is how it can start.
Now think about a child who grew up with a housekeeper. Lets say till the age of
5, she only had one housekeeper. Suddenly the housekeeper leaves, and is replaced
by someone new. This child goes through a feeling of abandonment.
Why?
The child was dependent on the housekeeper for their emotional and physical
needs. That just got ripped away.
Signs of the abandonment wound
You always feel "left out".
You fear people leaving you.
You hate being alone.
You are extremely co-dependent.
You threaten to leave.
You attract emotionally unavailable people.

Signs of the abandonment wound 2.0
Subconsciously you're so scared that people will leave you that you require
constant reassurance that you're loved.
Because there is always the fear of being left, it triggers your anxiety.
So when you pair these two together, you may notice other signs like:
1. Giving too much or being overly eager to please - think about going out of
your way to prepare a meal for someone, or volunteering to drive someone
to their destination even though it is an hour out of your way, or constantly
saying "yes" even though you want to say "no".
The fear of being abandoned creates a pattern. This pattern basically says
"let me be the version that I think you want me to be, and when I do that,
you'll love me."
The danger in this is that you're conditioning yourself to believe that you are
not enough, and you're gaining a sense of validation from external factors.
This creates a dependency on others to make you feel safe, and you never
actually do what you want to do because the thought of choosing yourself
terrifies you.
"Choosing others over yourself

reenacts a pattern of abandonment.....
except this time, you are abandoning
yourself."
-Shireen Olikh
2. You feel jealous in your relationships or of other people. A person with an

abandonment wound fears that they're being tricked, betrayed, lied to, and
essentially have a very hard time trusting.
This may make it difficult for you to experience healthy love. You're always
on the look out for perceived danger (i.e. that your partner is cheating on
your, that your friend is withdrawing from you etc), and that shows itself in
the form of a green friend called jealousy. This may cause you to lash out, or
feel anxious.
Remember, the fear of being abandoned takes over. In that moment, the
inner child wound is being triggered, and all that the inner child is focused
on is a feeling of helplessness.
3. You settle in unsatisfactory relationships. Your abandonment wound has you

reacting to life from a place of fear. That fear keeps you in situations that are
not necessarily healthy, but it "feels" better than the thought of leaving, or
being "left".
You may find yourself stuck in an abusive relationship, or putting up with

bullying from your partner, friends, family, or even co-workers. At times,
you may keep your trauma alive by chasing after people whom are
emotionally unavailable. This will keep you in a constant state of feeling
unworthy (i.e. "I'm not good enough).
The thought of leaving scares you, but the very action of staying keeps you
in a state of acting from a place of abandonment; this is as you are choosing
pain (i.e. unsatisfactory relationships) over your wellbeing.
Other ways the abandonment wound shows up
• You reenact trauma. You have a core belief that says "I will be abandoned",
so in your friendships and relationships, you may find yourself always
reliving situations that make you feel abandoned. This is the mind's
subconscious way of healing trauma - to reenact it. Maybe it looks like
you're always attracted to emotionally unavailable people (i.e. the "wrong"
people), these people are noncommittal which leaves you feeling abandoned.
You may even be hyper sensitive to a perceived threat of people leaving
you.
This may come off as being clingy to others (i.e. feeling upset if friends
hang out and don't invite you, accusing your partner of not caring about
you), and you end up self-sabotaging yourself as it drives them away - which
again pushes the button of "People abandon me".
• You keep feeling unworthy. When you constantly experience abandonment,

it is going to send a message to you that says "I am undesired. I am
unlovable. People discard me." With this mindset, it becomes hard to
imagine yourself in a healthy relationship, because on a deeper level you
don't really believe that you deserve it. Don't immediately say "How stupid.
I know I deserve the best." If you really believed that, you wouldn't spend 5
minutes in any situation that doesn't fulfil your needs.
Instead, you keep modifying your needs so that people can stay in your life.
You downgrade yourself for others. This leads to elements of shame, and
self-hate. You feel guilty for being "needy", but feel scared when someone
isn't showing you enough attention, and you lash out to express your
frustrations.
"How can you ever trust with 100%

certainty that someone won't leave, or
hurt, you? Well, you can't. That is not
where the trust needs to be. The trust
needs to be within yourself. Meaning,
if you ever find yourself in a situation
that is reenacting trauma, and
abandonment wounds, you trust
yourself to put yourself first, and
leave. "
-Shireen Olikh
Other ways the abandonment wound shows up
• You experience intense mood swings. Think about waves of anxiety and
depression crashing down on you. You try to protect yourself, and to do this
you numb yourself in a way, or keep yourself distracted. This allows you to
detach from what is occurring (for a brief moment). The feelings of
loneliness will still creep back, and the thought of being alone becomes too
much to bear.
This leaves you spending your time replaying thoughts and past events in
your mind. You're paranoid about people leaving you. You overanalyze
everything that is said or done to you. If you perceive that someone is "busy"
for you, you feel angry (because it pushes away at the abandonment button).
On the surface you are angry, but on a deeper level you fail to acknowledge
what is going on. You are scared. The thought of rejection or failure scares
the crap out of you. So you become defensive and disconnected. All of this
leaves you feeling misunderstood, because you only express what is on the
surface, but you failed to connect with the root of the issue.
• Important to highlight: you self-sabotage your relationships. On one hand

you're scared you'll be abandoned. On the other hand, you're scared of
intimacy. The thought of being controlled or dismissed creates fear within
you.
Being "vulnerable" puts you at risk for the above, and that may become too
overwhelming for you. So in a way to ensure that nobody leaves you, you
leave first. After all, you can't be abandoned if you left first, right? But do
you realize that this cycle is what keeps you in a box labelled "fear of
abandonment"?
Something to ponder over
How many times have you heard someone say that you're
selfish for choosing something that you want to do,
instead of what they want to do?
But in a situation where only one person can "win", why

would you allow yourself to be on the losing end?
When did you learn to put your needs second, and place
the needs of others on a pedestal?
Why do you feel guilty for choosing yourself?
Note: write your reflections on the next page.

Space for your reflections……

4. You have difficulty in being intimate emotionally. If you grew up with

emotionally unavailable parents, you crave emotional intimacy more than
anything, yet it is also the very thing that scares you because you don't know how
to be emotionally intimate.
This may keep you from entering relationships with people whom are emotionally
unavailable. Again, I'd like to highlight that the mind is extremely smart. It tries to
recreate a familiar pattern for you, because it is convinced that familiar equals safe.
Look at this situation though, your partner may be treating you the same way that
you were treated as a child.....and while it is familiar......you keep feeling
abandoned.
5. You feel insecure about your relationship. No matter what your partner does, or
says, there is always a feeling that your partner is going to leave you, or that "this
thing is too good to be true". This comes from a state of not having a secured
feeling growing up. So there is a big question mark....and it looks like this "Am I
good enough?".
The mind has you convinced that you're not good enough. You're "lucky" to be
with this person. So that places you in a state of wondering when they'll have one
foot out the door.
You may engage in behaviors that look like self-sabotage (i.e. cheating
emotionally or physically to give yourself the "security" of being "wanted").
Think about it like you want to love your partner, but the thought of loving your
partner 110% also scares you because what if your partner leaves? The mind plays
different scenarios for you because again....it's so smart. It wants to keep you safe.
But by playing various worst-case scenarios, it actually leaves you feeling

distressed.
Sounds familiar?
Core of abandonment issues
• The mind is convinced that people always leave. You have to explore the
relationships in your life, and look for the evidence of people who have not
left, or become aware of people that did leave because you pushed them
away (i.e. self-sabotaging behavior).
• Your mind is programmed in a way that it is difficult to trust others. Begin

to look for evidence that shows you otherwise. Meaning, people who have
been there for you, have helped you, and accepted you just as you are. Often
times, we don't look at the positives, and only remember the pain.
• A belief that you are emotionally deprived which reaffirms to you that you
don't get the love you need. Start to look at the relationship you have with
yourself. Do you know how to express your needs? Explore how to
effectively communicate this so that people can understand you, and try to
meet your needs.
• The mind is focused on rejection of your authentic self. In a sense of "If

people knew me, they wouldn't reject me". You act in ways to be accepted
by others, and by doing this you reject yourself (i.e. abandon yourself). Start
by accepting yourself. Your opinions need to matter more than the opinions
of others (to you).
• Embrace failure. Failure is redirection. Always remember this. Acknowledge

your strengths, and begin to view "failures" as learning experiences. Do you
know that before I successfully became a Clinical Psychologist, I failed one
of my major exams twice. By the third time I sat for it, I just told myself that
I had succeeded in learning all the ways not to do the exam.
Abandonment wounds form in many ways
I want to highlight that it doesn't always have to mean physical or emotional

abandonment. It can also be from:
• Birth trauma
• Being dropped off at a nanny's home
• Staying at your grandmother's house overnight when you were young
• Parents going through a divorce
• Being sent to boarding school
• A sick parent
• A parent that died
• The death of a close family member
• Childhood abuse (i.e. sexual, verbal, physical)
All of the above leads to a child forming a belief in their brain. This belief says
"I've been abandoned, because I am unlovable. Something must be wrong
with me. The world isn't safe, and I can't trust people. I have to do things
alone, and I will only be loved if I act in ways that make others happy."
You have to realize something...it is not your fault. It was never your fault. You are
not bad. You are not unworthy. You didn't deserve the pain that you went through.
This is where you must begin to recognize the innocence that once made up your
past self. Acknowledge your wounds, and how you felt helpless. No matter where
you go, you will never outrun your pain. The only way to heal it, is to feel it. In the
end....after grief, sadness, and anger....there comes the promise of forgiveness and
a new beginning.
Healing my abandoned self
I grew up wanting nothing in terms of the material plane. What I mean by this is
that I had all the luxuries one could have ever wanted as a child. Though as a child,
I obviously didn't realize this. It is only as an adult that I truly understand how
blessed I was to grow up having whatever I wanted (only talking about the material
aspects here).
But here is also what I remember. One night, I snuck out of my bed, and crept into
my parents room to hide under the study table. I wanted to play hide and seek.
They obviously didn't know I was there, and to my horror they started to argue.
This wasn't like any argument that I had ever witnessed. After all, they thought
they were alone in their room right? There was just so much of harsh and loud
tones.
Back and forth. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. So I sat under the table
just hugging myself, curled up into a little ball. After what felt like forever, I heard
my mum leave the room to check on me. Remember, she still thought I was in my
bed right?
There was a bit of a commotion when they couldn't find me, but I was still too
terrified to move from the ball I was in under the study table. Eventually one of my
parents found me, carried me and put me back in my bed.
That memory haunts me till today.
Loud sounds (i.e. yelling) immediately take me back to that exact moment.
Feeling so scared and helpless.
To heal.....one has to feel......

I always give space for the darkness to emerge, and I look at my experience with
loving eyes.
To begin with, I acknowledge that emotionally I felt helpless. I visualize myself as

that little girl hiding under the study table. I ask her "What are you feeling?" She's
so scared. Terrified. Thinking of her fear brings tears to my eyes. I (present age)
approach her....under the study table....and I curl up next to her. I say to her "I
know you're scared, but it's okay. I'm here now." She's confused. Wondering who I
am.
She only knows her parents for love and support. I let her know "I think mummy
and daddy are kinda busy fighting now, and you feel like nobody has time for you,
but I'm here....and I have all the time in the world for you." She opens her eyes to
peek at me, something about my voice comforts her. So I ask her, "Do you want to
come with me? I'll keep you safe, and I promise you won't have to ever hear
yelling again."
She reaches her little hands out. I pull her close, and squeeze her tight. Just letting
her know with this embrace that she is safe. I pick her up, and while still hugging
her tightly, I walk us both out of the room. Stroking her hair, and whispering in her
ear to let her know how smart she is, and funny, and loved, and worthy. I imagine
that I take her to a park one sunny afternoon, and as we sit under a tree, licking on
our ice-cream cones,
I look at her and tell her that I'm sorry. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all
that as a child. I'm sorry you didn't grow up in peace. I'm sorry I forgot about you,
and abandoned you."
And in that moment, all that doesn't matter anymore. Because to her, I'm finally
here. With her. Loving her and keeping her safe. She's finally happy, and she
finally feels secured. Only with me. Only once I acknowledged her, and healed her.
To dive in deeper. Going through all of these memories were emotionally draining,
and an emotional roller-coaster ride.
This is one memory out of hundreds.
The number of times I got slapped across my face. I can still remember the shock,
ringing in my ears, and pain on my cheek. It was the same feeling I experienced
years later when Ace slapped me across my face. In that moment, I didn't leave.
No, I stayed. I relived my childhood trauma, and abandonment wounds.
My parents.....I acknowledge they did the best of their capabilities. They provided
financially in a way that almost seems like a fairy-tale (cutting birthday cakes in
First Class 38,000 feet in the air, spending summer vacations flying from Los
Angeles to London, studying at an International school, eating pancakes flown in
from Vienna for breakfast etc)....but emotionally they fell short.
Emotionally they were not equipped to raise me as a child. I acknowledge that

because I don't even raise my voice, or hand, at my rescue dog, Bella. I can't
imagine hurting her. It would only create pain and confusion for her.
So while I am thankful for the foundation that was set for me. I acknowledge that I
would never do to my children, what was done to me. Because I know that it led
me down a path of substance abuse, low self-confidence, mental health issues
ranging from anxiety to body image disorders, and again...looking for love in all
the wrong places (i.e. bars and men).
Do I forgive them? I do.
They could only parent from their level of consciousness. It is my job to focus on
healing myself.
Visualization Exercise 2.0
• As painful as it may be, you have to start off by identifying the past version
of you that experienced the hurt. You want to use your mind to visualize
your inner child, and truly tap back to the age where you felt emotionally
abandoned, and helpless.
• Now you're going to talk to your inner child. Reassure your inner child that
he/she is safe. Let your inner child know that you are there to keep them
safe. Be sure to remind them how special, valuable and worthy they are.
• Once you have managed to make your inner child feel safe, you have to
begin to imagine your inner child as healthy, loving, and happy. This is
where you must only offer love, patience, and encouragement to your inner
child. *Note: once my inner child yelled at me and told me that I was the
reason why she was hurting because I kept putting her in situations that
made her feel scared. I acknowledged her pain, and told her that I would do
better, and make better decisions. This is where you and your inner child
become instrumental to the healing process.
• Lastly, you have to identify patterns that keep you stuck in past wounds. The
part of you that keeps reenacting your trauma. Identify the way that you
automatically react which keeps you in an unhealthy cycle. Begin to form
new coping strategies. *Note: any overwhelming emotions sent me running
to substances, but now I sit with the feeling, and make it a point to connect
with my inner child to understand, and heal, the pain.
"Honey, if it hurts....it isn't love. It's a

trauma bond. Trauma bonding can feel
like love, but it is a bond made out of
trauma, and not love."
-Shireen Olikh
Trauma bonding: what is it?
Emotional attachment that is formed from a cycle of abuse, followed by

intermittent reinforcement of punishment and rewards.
It is a psychological response to abuse where you end up forming a bond with the
person who abuses you.
The main determinant here is that the abused person begins to form sympathy and
affection for their abuser.
Without the latter, the trauma bond cannot exist.
So why does it happen? Well, a pattern of abuse and perceived remorse can form
an attachment and dependence on the trauma bond. Just like a drug, the trauma
bond is addictive.
It is a cycle of pain, followed by love.
Understandably, the person being abused gets confused between the two, and
rationalizes that the abuse is "normal", and all part of love.
Please note that abuse in this case doesn't have to mean physical abuse. It also
includes financial abuse, mental abuse and emotional abuse.
Two things that you absolutely need to know about the trauma bond:
1. Unhealthy attachment leads to a trauma bond. Human beings view

attachment as a survival mechanism.
Think about it, as a baby you immediately learn about your attachment style
from your caregiver (i.e. parents, grandparents, housekeeper - this refers to
the person who was mainly looking after you), and you become dependent
on them as a way to survive.
Without them, you're helpless. As an adult, you will continue to exhibit the
same attachments to other people. Who do you get attached to? People who
give you care and support. So when the person who provides you with your
main form of support is also your abuser, this is where the trauma bond is
formed. You know it hurts, but you can't imagine life without them. Even if
the abuser is the person who caused you pain, you may keep turning to them
to comfort you for your pain.
2. Dependency also contributes to the trauma bond.
Lets go back to childhood. Think about a child who is dependent on their

caregiver for love and support. If the caregiver is abusive (remember,
"abuse" here covers many areas), the child would begin to associate "love"
with "abuse".
This is where the lines get blurred, and the trauma bond forms. the child
thinks this is normal, because it is all that the child has ever experienced, so
they may be unable to see their caregiver as being "bad" or "abusive". In an
attempt to rationalize what is happening, the child takes on the responsibility
of what is occurring and may begin to view themselves as being "bad".
So the child begins to internalize guilt and shame, but still views their
caregiver as being "good". This reinforces the trauma bond, and finds a way
to trickle into different relationships.
Something to reflect over....
Were you physically abused as a child? (i.e. spankings,

canings, objects used to hit you).
Did your caregivers yell at you to express their

unhappiness with you?
Did your caregivers compare you to others? (i.e. siblings,

cousins, children of other people).
Were you made to feel guilty for finances needed to

contribute to your living, and education, expenses?
Note: write your reflections on the next page.

Space for your reflections….

Reflections on trauma bond
If you experienced at least 3 out of the 4 questions asked, that would indicate a
trauma bond. Think about it.
As a child you look to your caregivers for love. When your caregiver beats you,
you can't understand why this is happening. Because remember, you view the
caregiver as the person that you're dependent on for love, and support - basically to
survive, you need this person. So what does your innocent child mind do in this
situation?
It creates a scenario where you begin to tell yourself "I'm bad, and that's why I am
getting beaten". The child can't understand yet one core area:
My caregiver lacks the ability to regulate their emotions healthily, and is taking
out their frustrations on me.
I want you to really understand something.
As a child, you are never responsible for the trauma that you go through, but as an
adult.....you are 100% responsible for healing your trauma, so that you do not pass
it on to the next generation.
More importantly, heal so that your inner child can heal, and you're not living your
life in survival mode, where there is a constant fear of being rejected, or hurt.
More on trauma bonding
You may be wondering why people don't just "cut the cords" and walk away (more
like run away) from people that they're trauma bonded to.
I want to highlight once again that the trauma bond is addictive, and just like S-A-
C (sugar, alcohol, cocaine), it can keep you hooked.
There is a pattern of abuse here that "sweetens" the deal to the trauma bond. After
an abusive period, the abuser may make a promise to change.
This tugs away at the strings of the abused, because they truly want the abuser in
their life, and the thought that the abuser may change is an easier thought to accept
than the thought of leaving the abuser. Even if words of promising to change aren't
exchanged, you can still expect a period of kind, or even romantic, gestures from
the abuser to win back the abused.
Now step into the shoes of the abused. This person really wants their suffering to
end, and the focus on the future.....the promise and hope that their abuser will
change. They begin to view their suffering as a price to pay in return for future
happiness.
So when the abuser receives poor treatment, they feel somewhat grateful when the
abused shows them snippets of good treatment.
This is what reinforces the trauma bond.

Diving deeper into trauma bonding
In order for a trauma bond to develop, there must be certain conditions that are
met.
1. have to receive harsh treatment, followed by small windows of kind
gestures.
2. You experience some form of isolation from others, and have a lack of
insight regarding their perspectives.
3. You truly feel at times that being around your abuser can be dangerous (i.e.
physically, emotionally, mentally).
4. Most importantly, you believe in some way that you can't live your life
without them.
For the trauma bond to continue, the abused has to make certain justifications
for the abuser. It may look like the below:
1. Agreeing with the abuser's reasons for treating them badly.
2. Finding ways to cover up for the abuser.
3. Lashing out at friends, family, or closed ones, who point out the abuser's
patterns.
4. Feeling reluctant to leave the situation.
When a person experiences a trauma bond, they may say things like this:
1. "It's just because he loves me so much. You don't understand him."
2. "She is under a lot of work pressure. She will come around later."
3. "It's my fault, I shouldn't have said/done XYZ to make him/her angry. I
should have known better."
4. "I'm not leaving him. He's my soulmate. You're just jealous of our
relationship."
Words from Shireen
Trauma bonding can happen with family, friends, and romantic partners.
I vividly remember calling my aunt after returning from an overseas trip.
At the time, I was romantically involved with a man who had a child from his first
marriage.
This information is important to disclose, because during the phone call, my aunt
brought up the child (I'm going to call the child Michael), and started speaking
about Michael in a negative way.
I just got back from a trip.
I wanted to speak to my family about happy moments.
I couldn't understand why Michael was being brought up.
So I said to my aunt "You know, this is why I sometimes am hesitant to call you,
because you always bring up Michael and speak poorly about him."
Rather than acknowledging how her actions and words were hurting me, I was
shocked when she started screaming at me across the phone.
"THEN DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE!!!!!! I"M TELLING YOU NOW, JUST
CUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!"
I tried to speak to her calmly to highlight that I simply didn't want to talk about
Michael, but she continued to scream at me.
We didn't speak to each other for months.
I internalized the blame, and told myself that I shouldn't have said what I said
because I should have known better.
And then one day, as though nothing ever happened, my aunt sees me in public and
walks up to me......and proceeds to speak to me as though I was her favorite person
in the world, and even extended to me an invitation to spend time with her.
Do you see how confusing this is? I was shown pain (i.e. verbal abuse/screaming),
followed by the punishment (i.e. silent treatment/months of no communication),
followed by reward (i.e. kind gesture/affection).
It created this sense of bonding for sure. I relied on her for so much. I spoke to her
about many areas of my life, so if she disappeared on me, I really felt it.
And whenever she would pop back into my life, it felt like a sense of relief.
She was back, and being kind, meaning maybe this time we would "get it right"
and there would only be love.
Sounds logical, right?
So wrong.
This cycle continued for over a decade. Fights, followed by silent treatment,
followed by moments of kindness as though nothing had ever happened.
When she was a bitch. She was a real bitch. And when she was kind, she was the
sweetest person I had ever known.
It's no wonder that I picked up on that trait myself.

Remember the man that I mentioned earlier? Michael's father?
He basically said the same thing to me one day....it was more of "When you're
nice, you are the best person in the world, and I can't imagine life without you.
When you're mean.....you're so terrible, that the thought of even another day with
you scares me."
Have you experienced something similar to what I shared? Use this space to
reflect on your experiences, and emotions. Remember, it is not your fault.
Key signs of trauma bonding
1. You're not longer happy with your partner, but you can't imagine ending the
relationship.
2. If you finally gather the courage to leave, you feel emotionally distressed, and
return to your partner.
3. After arguments, your partner promises to change - this convinces you to stay,
but there isn't really any change.
4. You spend a majority of your time reminiscing on the "good old days" where
you felt constantly loved and supported by your partner. This becomes your
"proof" that they care about you, and that things will get better.
5. You keep making excuses for their behavior, and you defend them to others.
6. You continue to trust them, and hope that they will change.
7. You keep elements of their abusive behavior as a secret in an attempt to protect
them.
Please note, that even after you leave a situation where there was a trauma bond,
you can begin to feel that you miss the person. It becomes a battle to move on
without them, and you may experience an urge to reach out to them.
The ultimate test. Ask yourself this: if your loved one was going through the same
experience that you're going through.....would you encourage them to stay, or
leave?
If you answered that you would encourage your loved one to leave, yet you still
feel helpless to leave the situation you are in....that is a good indicator that it is a
trauma bond.
Breaking the trauma bond
Breaking free of the trauma bond can be extremely challenging. Rather than giving
you difficult steps to break free from it, I am going to share with you four simple,
and effective ways to rid yourself of the trauma bond.
• 1. Focus on the present moment.

Yes, I understand that the thought of this person changing for the better is all
that you could ever hope for, but that leaves you presently going through
pain in hopes that your future will be filled with happiness.
When someone treats you like shit, believe them. Stop spending time
reflecting on the past, and of the "good times". They don't exist in the
present.
Even if it does, it only comes in snippets (i.e. breadcrumbs). It isn't

consistent.
So if you really want to wake up, and be accountable to breaking out of your
trauma bond, start to keep tabs of every single "negative" event that occurs
with the person. You will start to see a pattern of abuse followed by
kindness.
Overtime, you may even notice that the frequency increased. So what
seemed like a "bad" occurrence once a month, has now become once every
two weeks.
Acknowledge what is happening. Ask yourself if this is the life that you
want to continue living....meaning with this cycle continuing. If not, you
have to be aware of the impact that it has on you, and how it is weighing you
down.
• 2. Only look at the evidence.
If a person continues their abusive behavior, and keeps promising to change,

yet keeps up with the same behavior, please understand that you are being
manipulated.
Words that don't match actions equals manipulation. It is as simple as that.
Remember Michael's father? Let’s call him Ace. Throughout my

relationship with Ace, I would consistently find out regarding lies that he
had told me.
He would always justify his lies by telling me that he didn't want my

feelings to get hurt, that is why he lied to me. To protect me.
Oh, how noble of him, right? Nope. Not at all.

I kept telling him that I valued the truth over lies.
Lies said to "protect me" were hurting me. Ace would always listen
attentively, acknowledge my views, and promise that he wouldn't do it
again.
Aaaaaand, then he would do it again.
So look at the evidence. The evidence doesn't lie. Your mind lies. Your heart
lies. Your emotions lie. Because deep down your wounded inner child is just
struggling to hold on to what is familiar, comfortable, and providing
love/support.
When you begin to live your life from an evidence standpoint, you begin to
realize just how many choices you have been making that are focused on the
"hope" that a person will change in the future....even though their present
words and actions do not align at all.
• 3. Practice positive self-talk.
The words of an abuser can severely impact your self-esteem, and perhaps
even leave you to feel that you can't live your life without your abuser.
Basically, the abuser creates a scenario in your mind that paints you to be
helpless without them. They don't want you to believe that you can shine too
brightly. Too much of your confidence may mean that you can envision a
life without them. They want you under their feet. Like the doormat that they
would have you believe that you are. Start to become aware of your
automatic negative self-talk that may be reinforcing words of abuse. This is
where the voice of the abuser becomes your automatic thoughts, and keeps
you in a state of believing you are "worthless".
Challenge each negative thought about yourself, and replace it with a

positive one. Please note, this is not "just think positively".
This is identify your negative self-talk.
Once you are aware of it, begin to challenge what it is telling you. When
you do this, you begin to reprogram your mind and form new healthy
beliefs.
Do you know that Ace once told me (in the heat of an argument) that I would
be nothing without him. I'm not exaggerating. He literally spat out these
words, "You want to leave? Lets see where you end up.....you'll be nothing
without me!"
His words rang in my ears days, weeks, months, and years after that
argument. For the longest time, the seed of me not being successful without
him kept me in the relationship. But look at me now. Successful. Without
you, Ace. Do not let the words of others become the cage that you live in.
"Let’s see where you end

up......you'll be nothing without
me!"
-Ace
Note: transform your pain into your strength. The words above were said to
cut me down. During moments of hardship, I replay those words to myself to
give myself the extra motivation I need to succeed. No matter what. I will
succeed. Because Ace was right about one thing....let’s see where I end up
without him. Maybe the stars, and not the gutter (as he had me believe).
• 4. Practice self-care.
This is different for different people.
Meaning, for me self-care might be getting my nails painted, taking a hot

shower, or even drinking a cup of hot green tea. For others, it may be
prayers, meditation, spending time with friends, or painting.
The point is that the focus should be on recharging your batteries.
This is what you do to show yourself that you are important and it helps you
to realize that you can depend on yourself for emotional relief.
You do not need to depend on the abuser for comfort. Many of us grew up
not learning about healthy self-care practices because the main female role
in our lives probably did not practice healthy self-care either.
Think about the role of a woman in the past (and to some extent, plenty of
women are still expected to play this gender role): look after the home, cook
food, care for the children, oh and make sure you're still "hot" and ready for
your husbands’ sexual needs (because if he cheats, you will be blamed for it
*note: this is an extremely toxic view, and one that I do not support in any
way, shape or form).
So women begin to prioritize everyone else before themselves. Do you do

this? Is everyone taken care of first, and only then will you think about your
needs? Become aware of this, and break free of it.
You must learn how to love yourself. To love yourself is to make time for
yourself.
To make time for yourself is to engage in things that make you feel relaxed,
and happy.
This is solely for the benefit of you, and nobody else.

"You aren't selfish for putting

yourself first."
-@the_illuminated_psychologist
The last bit on trauma bonding
I want to really highlight on these points. For people who haven't been
through abuse, the thought of a person staying in an abusive relationship
seems absurd....but the development of a trauma bond is one that to some
extent is out of our hands. So two things come into play here:
• The freeze response. Have you ever heard of the fight-or-flight response? It
is your body's automatic response to any perceived threat. On a deeper level,
there are four types of responses: fight, flight, fawn, freeze.
So when a person is going through abuse, the stress hormone kicks in

(adrenaline and cortisol), and this immediately triggers emotional and
physical tension, which activates survival mode. A person going through this
may feel that the thought of processing the abuse is too much to handle, so
they freeze.
They make excuses for the person, and justify their behavior, so that they
can rationalize why they are choosing to stay. Each time you decide to stay,
you keep alive the belief that you are helpless and trapped.
You feel powerless because of the uncertainty of what is to come. You feel
that you may never escape this cycle....but what can you do? Because you
believe in this false reality that your mind has created to keep you "safe".
You believe you need them. And that they need you.
You believe that you will be nothing without them, and that no one else
cares.
Do you see how this chips away at your self-esteem, and ties your identity
and self-worth to the relationship? Now you are more bonded....but by
trauma, and not love.
• Blame it on the hormones.
Have you ever heard this song by Jamie Foxx called Blame It? It goes
something like this "Blame it on the vodka. Blame it on the Henny. Blame it
on the blue top, got you feeling dizzy. Blame it on the a-a-aa-a-alcohol."
So while Jamie Foxx and T-Pain found a way to blame loss of motor
coordination (among other things) on alcohol, researchers have found a way
to attribute a chunk of trauma bonding to hormones.
The hormone in particular is dopamine. This is your "feel good" hormone

that is responsible for pleasure.
After incidents of abuse, the abuser normally follows up with apologies,

gifts, affection - all of this eases your worries, fear and stress. It also acts as
a reward because your body is triggered to release dopamine. This continues
to strengthen your bond with your abuser.
You want to feel good, so you keep trying to make them happy to keep
"earning" their affection. Another hormone that comes into play is oxytocin -
this is released during moments of physical affection or intimacy.
The more you receive oxytocin, the more you convince yourself that there is
a strong connection between the two of you, and this temporarily will dim
your fears and emotional distress.
This is why I keep saying that the trauma bond is addictive.
It's like a drug.
You crave it. In this case, you crave the hormones.
When you're away from your abuser, you "starve" yourself of the hormones,
and you believe that you can't live without them because being without them
"feels like pain".
This is the trauma bond.

"I don't know who needs to read

this, but.....you're not in love. The
sex is good, and you're scared to be
alone. You're bonded....by trauma."
-Shireen Olikh
Attachment styles
Remember how I mentioned that children look to their caregivers for love and
support? Well, the relationship that children have with their caregivers creates the
type of attachment style that a child will adopt, and this will continue well into
adulthood.
Attachment styles are basically characterized by how an individual behaves and

interacts in relationships. When we talk about attachment, we place a strong
emphasis on the emotional relationship between two people, that involves a level
of exchange in pleasure, comfort and care. Due to the fact that the attachment style
is derived from the infant/caregiver dynamic, we can safely say that attachment has
another component linked to it. An evolutionary component, in the sense that it
aids in survival.
There are 4 types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-
avoidant. The latter three indicate forms of insecure attachment.
This means that during the infant/caregiver phase, the infant did not require the
adequate form of affection and attention to make him/her feel safe. This leaves the
infant perceiving the world, and people, to be a potential source of fear, and
danger.
• Secure attachment style. Consider this the best type of attachment style. This
refers to an individuals ability to form secure, loving relationships with
others. A person with a secure attachment style is able to trust others easily,
as well as give and receive love. They have a good balance of being able to
depend on others, without becoming unhealthily dependent. They're very
much secured in who they are, so they don't experience panic when their
partner needs some time or space from them. Intimacy is an area of ease for
them as well (i.e. physical and emotional). Close to 56% of the worlds
population form a secure attachment style. Again, this is considered the gold
standard for attachment styles. The following attachment styles that I will be
discussing are all categorized as "insecure attachment styles".
• Anxious attachment style. This is characterized by a deep fear of

abandonment. Anxiously attached individuals are extremely insecure about
their relationships, and require constant validation from their partner that
they are loved, and good enough. Individuals with anxious attachment style
are hyper-sensitive regarding their partner, and constantly perceive that they
are not good enough. Due to the high level on anxiety involved, they're often
seen as being clingy, or extremely needy. Approximately 19% of adults fall
into this category.
• Avoidant attachment style. This is marked by an insecure attachment style,

that is focused on a fear of intimacy. Individuals with the avoidant style
find it very difficult to trust people, and have trouble getting close to others.
They generally are seen as being extremely independent, as they prefer to be
alone, and they come across as being emotionally unavailable.
• Individuals with the ‘avoidant attachment style’ tend to rely on themselves a

lot, and typically keep some form of distance form their partners. People in
this category may come across as being dismissive. Approximately 25% of
adults fall into this category.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment style. Lastly, we have the "unicorn" of

attachment styles. This is a combination of the anxious and avoidant
attachment style. People with the fearful-avoidant attachment style are
hesitant to form romantic relationships, yet at the same time they want to
feel loved by others. People in this category tend to engage in risky sexual
behavior, exhibit violence in relationships, and find it hard to regulate their
emotions. The chances of falling in this category is considered rare.
How are attachment styles formed?
Go back to infancy. Infants are born helpless, so it is within their survival kit to
latch on to a caregiver who can protect them, and be a reliable source of support.
The quality of that first bond is the most important relationship, because it sets the
tone for all the other relationships to come.
So from an infant’s point of view, their attachment style is formed based on how
consistent their caregiver responds to their emotional distress.
Let’s break it down:
• Secure attachment style - caregivers are responsive and consistent in tending

to infant’s needs.
• Anxious attachment style - caregivers are inconsistent. Sometimes they are

affectionate, at other times they are withdrawn, and on the other end there
may be times where they are overly involved. This unpredictability leads the
child to eventually become anxious in all their relationships.
• Avoidant attachment style - caregivers are distant and dismissive. They're

emotionally disconnected from the infant. This leads the child to grow up
believing that their needs will not be met in relationships.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment style - caregivers are frightening or traumatic.

This leaves the child finding it hard to trust people, and forming a deep
rooted sense of fear, while also craving for intimacy. Caregivers may be
abusive or neglectful, which leaves the child forming unhealthy boundaries,
and creates a sense of confusion for the child regarding a healthy
relationship.
Q&A
So if I grew up with a secure
attachment style, will I always have
that throughout my life?
Shireen Olikh: No. Growing up with a

secure attachment style doesn't give you
a lifetime guarantee. For instance, if you
experienced a deep betrayal in a romantic
relationship during your adult years, it
can lead to an insecure attachment style.
Reminder....all attachment styles, apart

from the secure attachment style, are
considered an insecure attachment style.
Q&A
I identify with an insecure attachment
style, can I change it to become a
secure attachment style?
Shireen Olikh: Good news, yes you can.

It is 100% possible for a person to
change their attachment style. However,
it is going to take a lot of work and
patience....above all, focused awareness.
You're basically unlearning decades

worth of programming, and teaching
yourself something new.
Identify your relationship patterns
If you want to understand more about what type of attachment style you fall under,
ask yourself the following questions to better connect with your childhood, and
how it shaped you.
• What were your parents like towards you as a child?

• How did you perceive your parents?
• Who did you go to if you had a problem, or wanted to be comforted?
• Were your parents reliable, or were they inconsistent?
Once you reflect on the above, take some time to look at the relationships in your
life (with family, friends, lovers etc). Are there any patterns in your childhood
experiences, attachment style, and choice of perhaps romantic partners?
Whatever you experienced in your childhood is seen as familiar to your mind. It

doesn't matter if it was good or bad. Your mind is going to try and keep you safe
by recreating similar patterns. So if you feel like someone is "home" - ask yourself,
is it an unhealthy "home" pattern from your childhood that is being recreated?
Healing layers of self: attachment style
There isn't just one sole factor that leads to the fear of abandonment. There are
many factors, but one of them happens to be the attachment style (which then sets
the tone for all the other relationships in your life). So I come back to a very
important point that I stress on - if you don't have a good relationship with
yourself, you will never have a good relationship with others.
3 simple and effective steps towards healing attachment wounds:
1. Work on building your self-esteem. Your self-esteem refers to your overall

opinion about yourself. If you grew up thinking you weren't good enough, or that
you were unlovable, chances are you don't view yourself very highly. You have to
learn how to put yourself self. You do this by embracing, valuing and loving
yourself. Do you believe that you are valuable and lovable? You can start from a
neutral place of acknowledging that you are a person, and everyone deserves to be
appreciated, and loved.
2. Make it a point to connect with your authentic needs. The difference between
people with secure attachment style and insecure attachment styles, is that the
former are able to be direct in expressing their needs (this involves just the right
amount of confrontation). The latter believe that their relationship will not work
out, which keeps them operating from a place of fear. Begin to acknowledge your
needs that would help you to feel more secure in your relationships. Set
boundaries, and exhibit the appropriate level of assertiveness.
"The most important relationship

you will ever have, is the
relationship with yourself."
-Shireen Olikh
3. Do not be afraid of seeking our therapy. You can work on healing by

yourself, but sometimes you may feel stuck. During those moments, it's
important that you leave the door open to consider additional support via
therapy. Always remember to look for a licensed mental health care
professional, and check with them beforehand if they are well-versed in the
area that you are seeking assistance in.
I want you to remember something....even therapists have therapists. It was during

a therapy session of mine (as in I was the one in therapy as a client) that I actually
had a major breakthrough regarding my attachment styles, fear of abandonment,
mother wounds, father wounds, and suppressed guilt, as well as shame. I had been
on an intensive healing journey, and this was just the session I needed to
understand a lot of my childhood memories that I had conveniently replaced with a
fantasy (only "happy" memories).
Just like how we talked about the inner child wound, I'm going to introduce you to
a few new concepts as we move on. I believe that this will change the way in how
you currently identify with your personality traits, and automatic responses.....
The mother wound
To explain it in a simple manner, the mother wound refers to the pain rooted in the
relationship with the mother, that has been passed down from generation to
generation.
It also covers the scope of the mother not being emotionally attuned to the child's
needs. In some cases, this may look like children who were raised by alcoholic
mothers, drug-addict mothers, or mothers with untreated mental health issues.
It doesn't only have to focus on the above though. It can also refer to children
raised by mothers who did provide for the child's physical needs, but they simply
were unable to provide the child with the love and attention that the child required.
It doesn't mean that the mother had to be abusive or neglectful.
Quite the contrary....you could have had a mother that interacted with you in a
positive way, yet still develop a mother wound. It focuses more on the fact that the
mother is less tuned into the emotional needs of the child. In this sense the mother
is seen as distant, and creates a sense of longing within the child.
Who experiences the mother wound?
The mother wound is typically experienced by daughters, but in some cases, it can
also be experienced by sons. If you resonate with any of the points below, then
chances are you do have a mother wound.
1. Your mother took care of your physical needs, but you don't feel that she was
able to give a deeper level of love, care and security.
2. Your mother didn't explain to you regarding your emotions, and how to process
them.
3. Your mother didn't give you a safe space to express your negative emotions.
4. Your mother battled with substances abuse issues.
5. Your mother experienced an undiagnosed mental health condition.
6. Your mother was busy working, or preoccupied with her own interests, and
wasn't available for you.
Note: If your mother was busy, it doesn’t mean that you would have a mother
wound. It goes back to the level of love, care and security that you felt from her. I
am not saying that working mothers or busy mothers means a mother wound. Not
at all. I am saying that mothers who are unable to provide deeper emotional
support to their children will create a mother wound within their child.
Signs of the mother wound

Signs: deeper layers of the mother wound
The mother wound can impact your life in different ways. Below are 4 mother
wound signs that sometimes go unnoticed.
1. Low self-esteem. Children who grew up with a secure attachment style feel
better about themselves. If you grew up with a mother who made you feel like you
didn't matter, chances are that you now struggle to believe in yourself, and connect
with your authentic self.
2. Difficulty to regulate emotions. Without learning how to manage emotions,

children find it difficult to regulate their emotions (i.e., self-soothe), and this later
carries into adulthood. When trying to comfort themselves, they may turn to
substances to numb themselves, like alcohol and drugs.
3. Relationship difficulties. If you have a mother wound, you would find it difficult
to trust, and this makes it difficult for you to form positive relationships. You may
find yourself going from one relationship to another, yet never feeling the
connection that you're searching for.
4. Lack of emotional awareness. A present mother would have been able to help a
child identify, label, and manage their emotions. This would mean that the child
(later adult) wouldn't view his/her emotions as "good" or "bad", because he/she
would have a way to manage their emotions.
Things I wish my mother knew before becoming my mother
1. I'm going to want to experience life according to my terms, and not yours. The
more you try to force your ways on me, the more I will question you, and we will
butt heads. Give me space to be me. I end up fine in the end. I'm successful, sober,
and clean. It doesn't matter if I stray along the way, I'll get to the end goal.
2. Don't label me. You don't understand my fashion style, and my interests, but
don't say "good girls don't wear/do XYZ" because you're going to plant the seed in
my mind that I am not a "good girl", and this will lead to me accepting the "bad
girl" image as me, and eventually lead me to the path of alcohol and drugs. It's
fine, I get sober and clean in the end...but seriously, stop labelling me.
3. OMG. Who cares what people will say? F*ck what people will say. Can you
please just focus on me, and not on the opinions of others?
4. Could you please not yell at me, and beat me, whenever you're frustrated? I'm a
child. I'm going to say things that I don't fully understand the meaning of, and
you're going to get mad at me. But instead of automatically slapping me across the
face, how about asking me why I used that word, and what I meant. Chances are, I
watched it on TV, and repeated it....but I have no idea what it means. So teach me
the "right" way, instead of abusing me.
5. Unfortunately, when you're alive....I will never see eye to eye with you. I'll only
come to this realization after your funeral......you were right about a lot of things.
I'm sorry.
How the mother wound reveals itself within you
Have you ever wondered why you are the way you are?
Here are a few ways that a mother's actions may have shaped you.
If your mother was critical, then you probably have a loud inner critic voice.
If your mother was controlling, then you probably were rebellious.
If your mother was unapproving, then you constantly fear being judged.
If your mother was unavailable, then you find it difficult to express your emotions,
and understand them.
If your mother was pessimistic, then you tend to engage in self-sabotaging

behavior.
If your mother was passive aggressive, then you probably have low self-
confidence.
If your mother was codependent, then you find it difficult to set boundaries.
Healing from the mother wound
I've said it before, and I will say it again. You have to feel the pain to heal it. It is
not about pointing the finger at your mother and "blaming" her. It is about
acknowledging what you went through as a child. When you can identify
suppressed anger and resentment, that is when you can heal it, and begin to forgive
your mother.
1. Express the pain. Focus on your inner child, and your past experiences. Scream
if you have to. Cry. Punch a pillow. Whatever you have to do to finally feel it. If
you ever felt unloved, ignored, ridiculed, or even victimized....now is the time to
address it. When you truly begin to explore the feelings of the inner child, and
safely express the emotions, you step on the path towards healing.
2. Love yourself. If your mother wasn't able to provide you with support to help
you build a healthy self-image, this is the time to become aware of it. By doing so,
you acknowledge the gap. Let go of the old image that you have of yourself, and
start to envision who you would be if you truly felt loved, and worthy. On the
journey to loving yourself, you have to make it a point to validate your emotions.
3. Learn how to set boundaries. Healing is all about learning how you want to
interact with people. The focus is on what you want. So set boundaries that are
focused on your emotional needs, so that you don't feel drained and overextended.
"Holding onto anger is like

drinking poison, and expecting
the other person to die."
-Buddha
Forgiving the mother
Being a mother is hard work, and sometimes even mothers get it wrong. When you
can acknowledge your mother for who she is, and accept her, that is when you shift
to a state of understanding her. This isn't about condoning what she has done or
said in the past. It is to understand why she is the way she is, and to explore if
forgiveness is in the cards for you. I strongly recommend exploring forgiveness
because what we hold onto (i.e anger, resentment) gets stored in the body, and con
lead to anxiety, depression, insomnia etc.
To begin with, start from a space of acknowledging that what you went through,
was not your fault. It wasn't your fault that she was emotionally unavailable, She
was supposed to be the responsible adult, and you always have deserved love and
care.
Next, acknowledge your mother for who she is, and not for who you want her to
be. It can be painful to accept your mother for who she is, because it means that
you have to let go of the fantasy that she may change and transform into the warm
and loving mother that you hoped for. Holding onto this fantasy may leave you
feeling anxious, depressed, and in some way, it is acting as a reminder of the
emotionally unavailable mother that you have.
When you have accepted her as she is, you can begin to heal yourself by asking
yourself what type of a relationship do you want to have with her. At this point it is
also important to ask yourself if you do want her in your life or not. Take time to
reflect on the emotional impact of having her in your life versus not having her in
your life.
Grandmother and mother
Did you start you life inside your mothers womb or your grandmothers womb?
Think about that for a minute.....
So, your grandmother did carry you in her womb. In the sense that a female fetus is
born with all the eggs that she will ever have for her lifetime.
To highlight again, all the eggs.
When your grandmother was carrying your mother in her womb, you were a tiny
egg in your mother's developing ovaries. After your mother (and you) left your
grandmother's womb, you continued to stay in your mother's prepubescent ovary
till the later stage of your conception, and finally birth.
Through research, we know that a developing fetus can pick up on a mother's

stress, and even absorb it. This can cause psychological changes that corresponds
to the level of their mother's stress.
To truly look at the layers of healing, and the factors involved, we have to consider
the relationship of 3 generations: Grandmother - mother - you.
Are you ready?

Grandmother-Mother Wound Exercise

Note: your psychologist recommends this
Visualizations are based on the practice that the body and mind are connected. By
tapping into the full power of the mind, you can help your body heal through what
is known as "imaginal medicine". I definitely do not recommend using this to
mend broken bones, but I do recommend this exercise to assist in healing
emotional wounds. Especially the ones that have been passed on from generation
to generation through the womb.
Sit in a comfortable position, and relax into the moment. You may light some
candles, and play soothing music. This is time just for you to heal. As you focus on
your breath - slow inhales, and exhales - and begin to imagine the following. You
are curled up in a ball. You're surrounded by warmth, and darkness. You are a
fetus in your mother's womb. What does it feel like here? Do you feel safe? Is it
peaceful, or do you hear muffled arguments?
Take this time to really reflect on what you're experiencing within your mother's
womb.
This is the emotional charge of your life, before you even took your first breath.
Let's explore a deeper theme. You're still curled up, surrounded by warmth and
darkness, but this time you are an egg within your mother, and she is a fetus within
your grandmother.
Again, what does it feel like here?
Was there a sense of safety, or did your environment appear to be dangerous?

Think about the relationship your grandmother may have had with those around
her while she was pregnant with your mother.
Were there themes of repression and anger? How would that have felt via an
emotional charge to the fetus? What kind of changes could that have had to the egg
within the fetus (i.e. you)?
Once you have truly felt the emotional layers of the generations before you,
envision you are curled up, but surrounded by a bright light. In this moment, I'd
like for you to imagine a peaceful and calm environment.
What kind of sounds would you hear? What would the temperature be like? Would
it be a "rocky ride" or "smooth sailing"?
Essentially, you're going to create an ideal environment for the fetus version of you
to be left in. Before you leave this place, offer words of affection to the fetus -
these are the words that will be used as your coping statements from this moment
on.
Remember these words, and allow them to act as a lighthouse during moments of
distress. I recommend doing the above with your eyes closed, and ensuring that
you won't be disturbed (i.e. phone on silent).
After this exercise, be sure to just have some time to yourself, and don't plan
anything too physically or mentally strenuous.
You may journal to jot down any realizations from the exercise above.
12 helpful points to incorporate while healing from the mother wound
1. Be sure to offer reassurance to yourself.
2. Make it a point to pay attention to your emotions.
3. Give yourself little pep talks (as many as needed).
4. Learn to forgive yourself.
5. Always nourish yourself (mind, body, soul).
6. Learn to speak to yourself in a gentle manner.
7. Practice self-compassion daily.
8. It's okay if you make a mistake, be gentle with yourself.
9. Set boundaries, and require a level of care from others.
10. Take good care of yourself, you are important.
11. Make it a point to learn the things you need to know.
12. Care for your body; remember, you are important.

Words from Shireen
The Big Death. The one that rarely gets spoken about. The death of my mother sent
ripples of shock, and shame, through my entire family. It tore the family apart.
Keeping in mind, during the months leading up to my mother's passing, the family
was barely holding on by a thread.
After her death, one part of my family was not really there anymore. It created a
big divide. Me feeling like I wanted their love, but by choosing their love, I kept
abandoning myself because they were not kind to me, they were not kind to my
immediate family.
When I say they were not kind to me, I refer to a double edged sword. At the time
of my mother's passing, one of my aunt's called my handphone. I picked up, and
she said "Is it true? Your mother is dead?" I was still in shock processing
everything, and I said "Yes..."
Her response? "Are you happy now?", and she hung up the phone. My entire world
as I knew it had shattered, and in my lowest moment, my family threw gasoline on
me, and set me on fire.
When I finally met this aunt prior to my mother's funeral, she had tears in her eyes
and she said "I'm sorry. My sister has just died, and I'm sorry for what I said."
I forgave her, but this emotional roller coaster ride continued for years. Just change
the aunt, uncle or cousin. The underlying theme was the same. Pain, and love.
But I wanted love, so I kept going through the cycle of pain. Again, abandoning
myself. It didn't just repeat within my family, it seeped into my romantic
relationships too.
Once afternoon when Ace and I were having a heated argument, he furiously spat
out "You're the reason your mother is dead!" I remember feeling like someone had
just punched me in the stomach. All traces of anger left me, and an intense wave of
sadness replaced it. I looked at him shocked, tears welled up in my eyes, and I
silently walked away....to the guest bedroom in our home. I locked the door. Went
into the bathroom, curled up on the floor, and cried into a towel so that my pain
would be muffled. Always abandoning myself for other people.
I couldn't see all this at the time, because I was looking for love. So in looking for
love, I kept abandoning myself. I kept choosing people, and choosing to say "yes"
to situations that were not the best for me.
The same applied to how I would respond to my family. Again, I couldn't realize
they were not the best for me because I thought "Oh, they're family, you
know....just let it go". The rationale was always "They're family". So in all of this,
there was an aunt that I would say I was the closest to. The most confusing thing
was that she essentially was one of the nicest people that I had in my life. I can't
stress on this enough: so nice.
But she would have these moments. These moments where she would just rage,
and the ugliest side of her would come out.
Try to understand where I'm coming from. I'm saying that she is essentially a
beauty queen. You know? When you see her walk into the room, you just can't
help but stop and stare.
As in WOW! Who is that stunning creature?
On the other hand, when she gets angry, and these cut-throat words come out of
her mouth....I'm just thinking "I want nothing to do with you."
It's like, her heart is ugly. You know?
But then....she will show me that kindness again, and it's confusing. Because I'm
sitting there wondering, was it not as intense as I experienced? Am I exaggerating
the event? What is it that happened?
And this is what would go on, again and again. So I would always abandon myself,
hoping that I would find love, protection, safety (that I desperately needed) in
family.
This is what I eventually realized. This aunt that I'm talking about....some of you
may think that I'm shitting on her by sharing this story.....actually, that is the
furthest from the truth.
How is that? The experiences with her opened up my eyes to something that I was
blinded to.
I am so much like my aunt. Just like her.

I can see patterns of her life repeating in my life. A relationship not working out.
Running into the arms of another man hoping that I would find love there....
Only to find something tainted in that man, and then wondering What am I going
to do now!?!?
And that's it....a chase. A desperate chase of love. By doing it, always abandoning
myself.
So one day I realized, I needed to look at myself....because if I thought she and her
heart were so "ugly", wasn't I the same? Isn't she just a mirror of my inner self?
Wasn’t I the nicest person when I was nice? But God forbid that I get
angry…..because that’s when the real Devil would come out.
As much as people say to me now “Oh, you’re so nice, and you’re so kind”, I
sometimes feel shame ripple through me as I find it hard to love that past part of
me that I know existed.
Because she is so angry.
She’s so scared.
And she’s so mean.

The time for Ace has come
I blamed Ace for so long. I used to think it’s all his fault. He’s just making
excuses. He doesn’t want to commit. He’s a playboy.
Then I think about what I put him through during my moments of rage. I once
threw a glass bottle at the wall. It shattered into a million little pieces. I have
slapped him in my anger. I have called him vicious names. I have cursed him out,
and his family…….and then my rage would subside, and I would say “Sorry”.
Not just “Sorry”, but I would show him the sweetest side of me. Of course, he
always would forgive me. Because despite what you have read about him, you
have to understand that people come in layers. And underneath it all, Ace has a
heart of gold, and has a very kind side to him. One that would bring the moon to
me if he thought that it would put a smile on my face, and make me happy.
He would always welcome me back with open arms…..only for me to get angry
again at something else. Only for my rage and fear to take over. And I would do
the same thing again. Perhaps it wasn’t throwing a bottle again, but words can cut
just as deep as shards of glass.
In all my time of blaming Ace for everything that happened, I failed to look at
myself, and how my actions were causing me to self-sabotage the relationships in
my life.
Looking back, I realize….it was scary. I was scary. Can I blame him? Who wants
to stick around in a situation where one day someone is cooking dinner, and giving
you a head massage, and the next day they’re screaming at you, slamming doors,
and throwing a freaking bottle?
So in all of this…….I finally realized something.
Ace was not the problem, but it was easier to blame him than to acknowledge my
part in all of this, because then I would have to acknowledge that ugly side of me.
When I finally did acknowledge it, I realize the reason why I see so much of
ugliness in that aunt….again, it is not because she is ugly. It is because that’s the
part of me that I see in her that I identify with that I see as ugly within me.
It took me years to come to this realization. I forgive them for their part in any pain
I experienced. I truly do. Because I understand that when I act like that, I’m just
scared. I am so scared, I don’t know what to do. I lash out. Underneath all of that
anger is actually just intense fear, and sadness. These are the things that I realized
as I was healing. The healing path is not always a bed of roses. It is taxing, and
terrible, and it can make you feel like death. That’s really what I feel like. That I
have experienced multiple deaths in this lifetime, only to come back as this version
of me now. I had to shed off so much to truly come to this point.
So when people say the healing journey is a process, please understand that it is a
process.
Please don’t rush it.

Which brings me now to an important topic in healing. Especially in healing the

fear of abandonment. Perhaps one of the most important topics of all.
The father wound….
Especially as a female, you learn your first relationship with men through this
masculine figure. This is what I learnt. Money….always there. Always provided
for in what seems like a fantasy when it comes to financial aspects. There was
never anything that I could want for. All of that, and more, was always taken care
of.
This one year, I remember I was so sad because Ace and I had just broken up. My
dad…not wanting to see his little girl so sad….bought me a flight ticket to Europe
so I could go on this whole recuperate trip.
I always got so many things. But sometimes I feel like all that I wanted was
calmness.
The same whirlwind of emotions that I see in myself, I realize now that I see it in
my father.
The parts of him that I think I dislike so much, are the same parts that exist within
me.
While he may not be screaming or throwing bottles....
It’s the harsh tones…..
The slamming of drawers during moments of frustration….
All of that puts me on edge, and reminds me of childhood memories which triggers
feelings of helplessness.
So when people say “daddy issues" - it is not “daddy issues”.
It is the father wound.
Unfortunately, it is a topic that we don’t talk about enough because we expect….or

society at least….has this unhealthy expectation for men to be strong all the time.
Emotions are seen as “weak”, and being vulnerable is not accepted. Maybe that’s
what keeps perpetuating this between fathers and their children.
Sometimes the only way to heal this is to just express it.
Express what has happened, so that you can finally let it go.
The father wound
There isn't just one sole factor that leads to the fear of abandonment. There are
many factors, but one of them happens to be the father wound. The father wound
stems from having a father who was emotionally or physically absent, and it can
cause a number of behavioral and emotional issues seen in children, and adults.
When a child grows up without having a loving and engaged father, it leads to a
sense of loss being experienced from the child's perspective. Like most losses in
life, people move on. In this case, the father wound simply gets covered up, and in
a way forgotten, that one becomes unaware of just how much this loss actually
impacts their physical, emotional and mental well-being. Make no mistake, the
father wound can also impact the health of your romantic relationship in your adult
years.
Your father is the first man that you have a relationship with in your life, and this
sets the foundation for all the relationships you will have with men moving
forward.
A takeaway from this topic is to acknowledge that fathers are human too. They
have emotions, unresolved traumas, limiting beliefs, and their own insecurity
issues. Once you are able to understand this, you begin to see just how much your
father impacted your life based on his own childhood experiences, and the steps
that you need to take to heal yourself of projected trauma.
Signs of the father wound

How the father wound impacts you
1. Experiencing anxiety.
Growing up with a father who was emotionally unavailable may have led to you
developing a core belief of “I’m not good enough”, and this could have led to
suppressed healthy emotions such as the feeling of loss, anger, fear, shame and
sadness.
2. Frequent low moods/depression.
When anxiety sticks around long enough, it can lead to experiencing fatigue, and
low moods.
When you don’t acknowledge your emotions on a deeper level, you may end up
internalizing your anger, shame and sadness.
When you don’t process how your father being physically or emotionally “absent”
affected you, you risk developing depression in the long run.
3. Low self-esteem and low self-confidence.
Children are focused on “I”. They think that everything that is happening is
because of them.
So from a child’s perspective, the reason why father is ABC or XYZ (insert
undesirable behavior here) is because of them.
This leads to the child developing an inner voice that keeps repeating “You’re not
good enough”, “You’re not worthy” (because if you were, your father would be
_________ *insert desirable behavior here*).
4. Anger and rage.
Whatever your experience….or lack of experience with your father….there is

some behavior that would have deeply hurt you.
You may feel that the anger is just stuck inside of you, and that you don’t know
how to process it in a healthy manner. What I mean by this is that your anger takes
over. You do things or say things in a fit of rage.
But where is this rage really coming from? The present moment or is it being
triggered by childhood memories?
Think about relationships that you are in….do you experience intense anger when
there is a conflict in the relationship? Now is the time to reflect.
5. Too rigid (or loose) boundaries.
You may put up a stone wall to protect yourself, and by doing this you don’t allow
people to get close to you.
After all, if they can’t get so close to you, they can’t hurt you.
And maybe loneliness is a smaller price to pay than the risk of reliving childhood
experiences of being hurt and let down.
On the other hand, you may end up making yourself available to everyone…..all
the time.
You want to feel loved by others so you never say “no” (even if it doesn’t suit your
schedule to say “yes”).
6. Dating emotionally unavailable partners.
Always remember: as humans, we subconsciously seek out to recreate childhood

experiences because it is familiar, and the mind thinks that familiar is safe (even
though it may not be the case at all).
You may end up with someone who is emotionally unavailable, again and again,
because it is familiar. You know exactly what you’re dealing with.
When all you’re used to is emotional unavailability, being with someone who is
emotionally available (i.e., consistent and reliable) can feel scary.
The more you find yourself in a relationship that recreates childhood events, you
may also be reliving the same pain and inviting more anxiety into your life.
This can cause you to feel that your partner can’t provide you with the love and
security that you truly need, so you find yourself acting out to get their attention.
7. Repeating parental style.
If you’re a parent yourself, you may find yourself repeating the same pattern of
your emotionally absent parent.
This is as you act from a place of what is familiar.
Again, it may not be healthy, but it is familiar. So, you may find yourself
struggling at times to build an identity of who you want to be as a parent.
Become aware of this, because if you repeat the same pattern, this will only pass
on the trauma from one generation to the next.
Things I wish my father knew before becoming my father
1. I'm going to be just like you, and we are going to argue. A lot. Because, I am
just like you.
2. To a 5 year old, a loud sneeze can be scary. Think about what yelling might feel
like. And then to a 10 year old. And a 16 year old. And a 30 year old.
3. I am going to say things, and use words, that I seriously don't know the meaning
of. I am a kid....I am going to watch things on TV, and I probably am not going to
really know what "blind" means (i.e., that someone will never be able to see ever
again) when I use the word. Again, I am a kid, who is going to watch a lot of The
Powerpuff Girls, where they "blind" Mojo Jojo (temporarily) while trying to save
the world. So if one day, I say to you (as a kid) that I'm going to poke you in the
eye and blind you....maybe (most definitely) take a second to pause, and ask me
what I mean, and where I learnt that from, and what I think happens when people
get blinded. That would be really great, because I am definitely not going to
understand why I am getting slapped across the face. Because....you get it right? I
am a kid.
4. I'll realize I'm just like you when I'm 30 years old, and 98% of the fighting will
stop.
5. One last thing.....I am going to start stealing your liquor when I'm 15 years old,
so you should probably find a better place to keep your liquor collection.
How the father wound reveals itself in you
A walk down memory lane for a few of you.
If your father was not present, it reveals itself in you via your co-dependency traits.
If your father was not gentle, it reveals itself in you through your constant state of
living in fear.
If your father was unpredictable, you may find yourself attracted to chaos.
Remember, the mind seeks for familiarity.
If your father was not approving, it reveals itself in you through your need to
constantly people-please.
If your father was not affectionate, you spend your life searching for affection.
Craving it. Chasing it.
If your father was not emotional, you may find it difficult to be motivated or
enthusiastic about parts of your life.
This is how the inner child copes
The child is the one who experiences the first dose of the father wound. At some
point the child becomes a teenager, and an adult. During the developmental
process, the inner child takes over to protect him/herself from what he/she is going
through.
The inner child forms in some way a hard shell of protection. Think of it along the
lines of forming these beliefs:
• I don't need his love. I'll just block out all thoughts of a deeper level
relationship with him.
• It's fine that he doesn't love me...I'll punish him for it.
• Weakness is disgusting. I will be strong.
• I don't care about him. I'm going to do whatever I want to do.
These beliefs may lead to rebellious behavior, forming a deep mistrust towards
men, subconsciously believing that men may reject you, always keeping one foot
in and one foot out the door (in relationships), people may perceive you as being
"mysterious" but perhaps this is because you don't really know yourself as you
have denied yourself to acknowledge your yearning to be loved and accepted.
Unfortunately, this may leave you unconsciously seeking for your father's approval
throughout your life, as well as engaging in hero-worship towards your father
regardless of how his words/actions may have hurt you in the past.
Healing the father wound
It's time to heal your father wound, and reclaim your value. No matter how old you
are, it is never too late to work on healing the father wound, so that you can return
to a state of feeling whole and complete.
Begin to truly acknowledge the impact he left on you via these reflective questions:
1. How did your father respond to your emotions?
2. How did your father respond to his own emotions?
3. What beliefs about yourself did you learn from your father?
4. If your father was absent, what meaning did you assign to this, and how did it
make you feel?
5. What messages did you learn from your father about love, and relationships?
6. Did you feel safe and secured around your father?
7. What qualities do you look for in your partner?
8. What qualities do you avoid in a partner?
Note: use the space on the next page for your reflections.
Space for your reflections.....

Visualization Exercise
Note: your psychologist recommends this
Carve out some time just for you so that you can fully immerse yourself in this
exercise. Before we start, take some time to connect with your body - a few deep
breaths, and placing your palm over your heart to feel the beat of your heart.
Inhaling......
And exhaling......
Letting yourself know that you are safe. I am safe. I am grounded. Now, imagine
that you're sitting by on a secluded beach. Toes dipped in the warm sand, smelling
in the scent of the salty air, and watching as the waves gently lap at each other.
Feeling completely at peace.
You hear a figure approaching. It is your father. He sits down just across from you,
with his back facing the water. Your eyes meet his, and you notice something
different about him....he has aged. He does not look like the same father you had
when you were a child. This father has wrinkles on his face that gives away his
age.
Take a moment to ask him....ask him what you've always wanted to know.
Listen to what he has to say to you.
As you look into his eyes, let him know the following:
I am doing the best that I can.
I am living my life according to my terms, and discovering it as I need to.
I truly am doing the best that I can.
Reflect here on what his life was like. What he went through with his parents. How
have the generations before you impacted your life in this manner? How has your
father impacted you?
Let him know what it feels like to have him as a father. Maybe there were
moments of anger, and sadness. Tell him. All of it.
When you are done....look him in the eyes again, and let him know that you no
longer want to be weighed down by his actions or words. You deserve love, and
you deserve a life of happiness. So you say goodbye to him, and with this goodbye
you finally let go of what has been weighing you down.
It is time for you to leave the beach. The sun is setting, and as you get up to walk
away, you look at your father one last time. If there is anything you wish to say to
him, or him to you, now is the time.
As you walk away, you notice that in the distance there is a faint rainbow. You
notice all the colors, and for the first time in a long time....you feel at peace.

Note: use this space to jot down on your experience from the previous exercise
People-pleaser
Are you a people-pleaser? You know, someone who people typically consider
being kind, and helpful…. If your friend needs some help moving to his new
house, you're the one who volunteers to help. If someone needs your assistance on
a project, you're totally down for it too. You're basically always more than happy
to step up to the plate when someone needs help.
If you resonate with the words above, chances are you're a people-pleaser. While
there is nothing wrong with being nice, there is an issue when you place being nice
on a pedestal, and make it a key component of your identity.
Why is there an issue?
Because now your focus is on pleasing others, and not on pleasing yourself. When
the focus is to please others, you constantly hit the fear of abandonment button,
because your mind is basically saying please others or else they will leave you.
And when you operate from that space, you relive past traumas. You keep yourself
in a box of fear. You abandon yourself when you choose others before choosing
yourself.
If you struggle to say no, or feel guilty for saying no, then keep reading because
this is just for you. By the end of this book, no better be your favorite word.
Think about it like this....you're saying no to others, but you're saying yes to
yourself. Thus, breaking free from the pattern of self-abandonment. This is a must.
Your sense of worth depends on it.
"Care about what

other people think,
and you will always
be their prisoner."
-Lao Tzu
Signs of being a people-pleaser
If you're trying to figure out if you're a people-pleaser or if you're just nice, well
then keep reading to really determine where you stand.
1. You need people to like you.
You spend a lot of time worrying about the thought of rejection. The worry often
leads you to act in ways that keep people happy (i.e. you go out of your way to
make others happy, even if it means you're miserable in the moment).
2. Saying "no" is tough on you.
You worry that saying "no" will hurt someone's feelings, or indicate to them that
you don't care for them. This leads you to saying "yes" to things, even though you
don't really agree, or have the time to help out.
3. You apologize even when it's not your fault.
Someone dropped a glass? You're the first one to say sorry even if it had nothing to
do with you.
Someone called in sick, and asked you to cover their shift 20 minutes before work
starts?
You apologize even though company policy requires a 4 hour advance notice for
shift covering. You believe that you let everyone down at the company, and keep
apologizing.
4. You love to give.
You give and give and give because it makes you feel good, but also because you
hope that people will give you love and affection in return.
5. You're always busy.
It's hard to have free time when you're always saying "yes" to people. Look at how
you spend your time. Is it for yourself, or doing things for other people?
6. You avoid conflict.
At the sign of anger, you start to freak out. This is because your mind is focused on
people liking you, and anger sends a message to your brain, which basically says
I'm being rejected. Someone doesn't like me, and I'm not good enough for them. I
have failed.
So you go out of your way to keep people happy, and avoid any form of
arguments.
How do you deal with conflict? Again, you don't. You may rush to apologize (even
if you're not to blame), or you get hyper-focused on solving the problem.
How being a people-pleaser affects you...
Being a people-pleaser means that you're focused on the needs and wants of others,
which leaves you ignoring your own feelings and needs.
When you constantly focus on pleasing others, you neglect to put yourself first,
which means you are abandoning yourself.
In a way, you live your life wearing a mask that isn't your authentic self because
you have made "pleasing others" as part of your identity. You do things mainly
because you believe that it will please others, but in the long run, this harms
yourself, and affects your relationships with others. Let’s have a look how....
1. People take advantage of you.
The world is filled with all sorts of characters, and some of these characters will
recognize your "nice" nature, and take advantage of you.
They will keep asking you for this or that, and you will keep saying "yes", because
your aim is to please.
This can have extremely negative consequences on your ability to parent well, or
even leave a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining for you.
2. Your relationships lack authenticity.
Healthy relationships involve a balance of give and take.
In your case, it may feel like you're always giving.
This tends to feel inauthentic as overtime you realize that the relationship only
functions when you are doing nice things for the other person. If you stop, the
relationship will crumble.
3. You constantly feel stressed.
Part of being a people-pleaser is that you're always extending yourself to others.

This can get draining because you find yourself taking on much more than you can
handle.
You may notice that you don't have time to do things for yourself (i.e., self-care),
and because you're always committing to help others with what they need, you find
yourself struggling to get the things high on your priority list done.
This may leave you staying up later to get things completed, and getting less sleep,
which leads to stress levels increasing, and experiencing burnout frequently.
Note: there was a time when I would wake up at 6am to cook aloo parathas for a
past lover (one of my favorite ones, actually) and his entire family. Reflecting on it
now, I realize that I would go out of my way to get appreciation and love from
those around me. During those moments though, I was so quick to think about
what others wanted to eat, but I never stopped to ask myself what did I want to
eat?
Now it is very much a different story. I put myself first, and ask myself what is
going to fill my cup. If others would like something different.....well, by all means,
please manage yourself. The kitchen is right there, plus I see you have functioning
hands and feet, so I'll just step out of your way.
Where does it stem from?
Now that you know all about people-pleasing, and what it can do to you, you may
be wondering where it actually stems from. I mean why are some people so
focused on pleasing others, and other people so focused on themselves?
3 main areas explain the above.
1. Childhood trauma.
It seems like trauma is a theme on repeat. Some people form people-pleasing

tendencies due to experiencing past trauma. This could be growing up with an
abusive parent where you learnt that it was easier to say "yes" to whatever your
parent wanted so that you didn't have to deal with unpleasant consequences.
2. Fear of rejection.
If you grew up with parents who only gave you attention when you did something
they liked, then you may hyper-focused on the needs of others because you know
that it will gain attention, love and approval.
3. Low self-esteem.
If you place your self-worth on how others perceive you, and what you do for
them, then it becomes your identity. You can't break out of this until you become
aware of it, and take necessary steps to change.
How to overcome being a people-pleaser
Breaking free of the "people-pleaser" identity takes awareness and consistency.

These two must be a daily priority in order to see change.
Below are a few helpful ways to help you break out people-pleasing....
1. Put yourself first.
Practice this every single day. You've heard the saying before, you can only pour
from a cup that is full. So you have to be in a space where energetically, and
emotionally, you feel good. Repeat this everyday: Putting myself first isn't selfish,
it is a necessity (and a healthy one!).
2. Set healthy boundaries.
You have to ask yourself how you feel about a situation before jumping into it. Do
you really want to help? Do you have time to talk on the phone? Does helping take
away from your precious time for yourself? Are you going to feel happy helping,
or drained?
3. Refrain from offering to immediately help.
While it is nice to be nice, it is also nice to not have being nice as a focal point of
your identity. Rather than always volunteering immediately, sit this one out, and
only chip in if your help is asked for (remember to decide if you genuinely want to
agree, or not).
"You abandon
yourself when you
choose others instead
of choosing yourself."
-Shireen Olikh
Coming back to abandonment
So you've resonated with a lot that you've read, and now it's time for me to dive
into some of the finer points.
Remember, abandonment comes in many forms. It revolves around "being

nice/kind".
When you're pushing the abandonment button, you will tend to allow people to
disrespect your boundaries. Meaning if you've already told your partner that you
are uncomfortable with XYZ, and if they keep doing it.....that is crossing your
boundary. If you keep allowing it, you are abandoning yourself.
If you keep changing who you are so that people will like you. One week you like
jazz, the next you're an avid painter, and another week you're fond of rock
climbing: are these really authentic parts to you or do you only align with these
parts to connect with people?
If you keep waiting around for someone to choose you. You're abandoning
yourself because you aren't choosing you. "I don't want to lose them so I'll just be
patient while they decide what they want" - this mindset keeps you in a place of
fear, you are so scared of losing that that you lose yourself, and probably become
someone that you're not to connect with them.
Choosing yourself
For so long, the focus has been on others. It's time that we pull the focus back to
you. This means no more neglecting your needs, and a whole lot more of
acknowledging what you actually want, feel, and need. Here's how....
1. Get to know yourself.
This means really learning what you like and dislike. What do you really need?
How much of what your beliefs are yours, and how much of them were passed on
to you from someone else? This is the time for you to look at your values. Your
values will act as a lighthouse to yourself during moments of difficulties.
2. Boundaries.
What are you okay with? What will you compromise on? And what is a hell no,
see you never! Sit down and determine what your boundaries are. This is what
keeps you safe. In a world of uncertainty, it is time for you to be the person you
can rely on.
3. Ask yourself what is the best decision for you.
Abandoning yourself means you prioritize others over your needs because you fear
them rejecting you. A good way to break out of this is to experience this fear, by
actually choosing what is best for you. It will be scary initially, but eventually you
will learn that it is much for full-filling. Living for yourself, rather than to please
others.
Things I need you to remember
Change is difficult, but it can also be positive.
Change is unfamiliar, but it can also be necessary.
Change is uncomfortable, but it can also be exciting.
Change is overwhelming, but it can also be beautiful.
Change is painful, but it can also be an opportunity.
Change is frightening, but it can also be a learning experience.
Change is a process, but it can also be a sign of growth.

Reflections for you.....

Note: use the next page for your reflections.
1. If I am constantly putting other people's needs ahead of my own,

I____________ (complete the sentence).
2. How has being a people-pleaser affected you?
3. Who would you be if you weren't focused on pleasing others?
4. How do you feel love, validation, and acceptance?
5. Growing up, how did your parents make you feel about having your own
opinions, and voicing out your thoughts?
6. Describe your inner voice. Kind or critical?
7. Do you usually end up with people who are emotionally unavailable, or

experiencing commitment issues?

Note: use this space to jot down your thoughts.
"Yes, your parents

were responsible for
your childhood
trauma, but there is
no point in blaming
them...instead, find
ways to heal your
inner self. They were
a reflection of their
childhood trauma.
Healing starts from
understanding, and
having compassion
for others, and
yourself."
-Anonymous
Reparenting
The concept of "reparenting" looks at the unmet needs of a child while he/she was
growing up, and invites the adult to identify what were the unmet needs, and how
they can be met.
In this case, I invite you to look at 3 categories.

Inner child
Adult (this is you, today)
Parent (your parents)
When you engage in reparenting, you go back to the time in your life when you
experienced pain/sadness/anger as a child.
Once you have identified the event, reflect on how your parent(s) responded to you
(this is the unsatisfactory response that caused the pain). In the next step (the core
of reparenting), you imagine that the adult version of you is stepping into the
scene.....what would your adult self tell your inner child?
Remember, you are speaking to a child who is hurting. Only focus on giving the
satisfactory response that would fulfil the child's needs.
This exercise can be done as many times as needed, for as many different
situations as needed.
The focus is identifying the unmet needs, and providing your inner child with what
is needed.
Benefits of reparenting
Are you extremely critical on yourself?
Do you find it hard to treat yourself with love and compassion?
Is it difficult for you to regulate your emotions?
If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, then reparenting may prove to
be helpful for you.
To highlight, the whole point of reparenting is for you to finally give your adult
self what you didn't receive from your parents growing up.
Children look to your parents to understand the world, identify themselves, manage
their emotions, and self-soothe. If a child grows up without receiving unconditional
love, and the appropriate tools to manage emotions, this will lead to issues during
adulthood.
I'm not here to throw shade at parents. I'm the first one to say that parents have
their own emotions, struggles and unprocessed trauma. Due to this, there were
probably certain needs that they couldn't fulfil for you.
It isn't too late for you to give yourself what your parents could not. This is where
reparenting comes in. It helps you fill in the gap of past and present.
Areas to look at during reparenting
Begin to look at how you communicate. Do you do it in a way where you can
effectively express your needs and handle conflict? Or are you more aggressive
than assertive?
Next up, self-care is a big area. This is how you identify if your needs are being
met, and if you are at a space where you can give yourself what you need.
Third, are you aware and accepting of your emotions? You have to accept that all
emotions are valuable. It is simply how you process the emotions that make a
difference. Many people feel angry, and they yell. By doing so, the individual has
created more conflict within themselves, and around themselves. Become aware of
your emotions, but do not let your emotions control you.
This is where self-soothing comes in. How do you calm yourself down when
you're sad or angry? I suggest healthy coping skills such as taking a time out to
regroup, or counting to 10 before responding.
Validation is extremely important. It's not about looking to others to validate you.
You have to validate you. Reassure yourself that your feelings matter. Always
remind yourself that you are doing your best.
"It's not about looking

to others to validate
you. You have to
validate you."
-Shireen Olikh
Reparenting 101
If you're still feeling fuzzy regarding reparenting, let me take you through a few
simple steps on how this can be done.
1. Notice your thoughts.
Are they harsh or compassionate? Begin to speak to yourself the same way you
would to a 5 year old. You would never say to the 5 year old "You're so stupid.
How could you make that mistake!?", yet at some point in your life you have
probably run through a few harsh thoughts towards yourself.
The best way to begin the reparenting journey is to speak to yourself kindly.
Make it a point to be nice to you.
2. Be more specific with your emotions.
If you didn't learn how to identify and manage your emotions when you were a
child, chances are as an adult it's hard for you to process emotional needs.
Make it a point each evening to reflect on your emotions from the day. Instead of
using the familiar words to describe emotions - like sad, angry, happy.
I'd like to invite you to get more specific.
Use the 'emotions wheel' on the next page to help you.

Emotions Wheel
"You focus so much

on being nice to
others, but are you
even nice to
yourself?"
-Shireen Olikh
3. Add more self-care to your routine.
Again, it is not selfish to put yourself first. It's important for you to build a mindset
where you are able to acknowledge that you are important.
And how can you show that to yourself? Make it a point to carve out at least an
hour each day for yourself.
This hour should not be spent on your phone or gadgets.
Think about it more like stretching your body, taking a walk in nature, cooking
yourself a healthy meal.
Something to really show yourself that you care, and love, yourself.
4. Encourage yourself to pursue your interests.
You don't need to be perfect or "good" at something to want to do something.
If you're interested in painting, purchase some painting supplies and play around
with the colors and brushes.
You are going to be your own best cheerleader.
Acknowledge all the words that your inner child is longing to hear, and start
showing your inner child with praise, and encouragement.
Note: if you're having difficulty with the reparenting exercise, consider reaching
out to a licensed mental health care professional to facilitate a session for you.
Words from Shireen
Whenever I would go for my own therapeutic sessions, I would paint a picture of

my inner child being happy. Till this one session that changed my life. It was a
mindfulness practice using timeline regression, and for the first time....I saw my
inner child sad.
It broke my present adult hurt into a million pieces.
She was looking at me with her big brown eyes, scared, and extremely sad.
I couldn't recognize her. Who was this girl? I had only ever seen the happy inner
child.
I left the session pretty shaken up because I couldn't figure it out. Why was she sad
and scared?
The next few days, the question replayed in my head over and over and over again.
Till I realized.....I had pushed this memory so far away because of how painful it
was to deal with these emotions.
I replaced the sadness with a fantasy of a happy inner child.
Looks like to abandoned child was back though. To remind me, that I was the one
who abandoned her this time.
I was the reason for her sadness and fear

That session led to a breakthrough in my life. I spent a majority of my time

reflecting on the past to acknowledge my unmet needs. I realized that I never heard
the phrase "I'm proud of you" (from anyone in my life). That left a sense of
wondering if I was doing a good job. Not just present me, but especially my inner
child.
So, I would reparent. I'd visualize meeting my inner child, and showering her with
praise, love, and encouragement. I would tell her that I was proud of her, and every
time we said goodbye, I would hug her and say I love you. You are so special.
You're the brightest star of them all.
I'd throw in another element to this. A mirror. So I would be looking into the eyes
of my present self. Giving love and compassion to a child is easy, but flip that
script on your adult self. The words seem to get all jumbled up.
I started off by praising my mirror self. Hard work, persistency, determination,

discipline, resilience....she is the reason I am celebrating sobriety.
I'm proud of her. I'm proud of me.
And I finally realized that the most important person all this time was me. I had to
hear those words from myself. I gave myself the validation I was looking for.
This healed me, and my inner child.
Self-love is so necessary.
21 days to healing abandonment themes
Healing the fear of abandonment involves understanding where it stems from, and
identifying self-sabotaging behavior, and learning new healthy behavioral patterns.
Below is a 21-day guide to facilitate your healing journey with small, doable steps.
Day 1: Start your day with 10 minutes of meditation. Continue throughout the 21
days.
Day 2: Identify the type of relationships that you want to have in your life, and
behaviors or beliefs that are in contrast to that.
Day 3: List down your core values, strengths, and weaknesses.
Day 4: Choose 1 weakness from the previous day that you would actively like to
work on, and commit to it.
Day 5: Spend 20 minutes engaging in physical activity. Move your body, stretch,
and sweat!
Day 6: Make a list of things that you are grateful for. Start with your body, and
work towards external things.
Day 7: Write a love letter to yourself. Keep it away. You will need it at a later day.
Day 8: Write a letter to your mother expressing how you felt growing up with her
as a mother. You do not need to send it. This is for you to express yourself.
Day 9: Do something relaxing today that is just for you.
Day 10: Reflect on the people in your life. Are there people who are draining you?
Why do you keep them in your life? Can you set boundaries with them?
Day 11: Write a letter to your father. Explore on deeper emotional themes. Do you
forgive him? You do not need to send the letter. Simply use it as a safe space for
you to reflect.
Day 12: Carve out 20 minutes for a visualization exercise. Meet your inner child
(approximately age 8) at a secluded forest. Spend time hugging him/her and
exchanging these 4 statements:
I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
Day 13: Spend a day with no social media.
Day 14: Identify one thing you have been procrastinating on, and get started on it.
Day 15: Reflect on your life. Where do you want it to go? Visualize your short-
term and long-term goals. Write these down.
Day 16: Say "no" to something.
Day 17: Look in the mirror, and give yourself a compliment. Let yourself know "I
love you".
Day 18: End your day with 10 minutes of guided meditation (don't forgot about the
morning meditation too).
Day 19: List down all of your achievements.
Day 20: Write a letter to your future self.
Day 21: Read the love letter you wrote to yourself on Day 7.
All you have is the present moment
Have you ever taken time to reflect on how much of time you spend thinking about
the past, or the future?
Here's the thing. The past is the past. You can't change it. The future, doesn't exist
yet. What does exist? The present moment. Yet you spend so much of time in the
past or the future and not here....in the present.
I bring this up because a lot of the distress that we experience while healing is from
the mind throwing information in continuously.
Think about it....you said no to someone, and set a boundary? The mind is
replaying a thought that perhaps they think you're rude, or that you have an issue
with them. The point is....it doesn't exist. Unless they approach you with that
viewpoint, it only exists in your mind.
To reclaim your life, mind, and part of your sanity, I invite you to take part in a
small exercise.
For 1 day only, you are going to set a reminder to go off every hour.
The reminder is going to ask you one question:
Where was your mind?
This is where you become aware if it was focused on the past, present, or future.
Signs of the healed inner child
With all the steps shared on healing....how will you actually know if your inner
child is healing, and with that healing the fear of abandonment too?
Well here are a few signs of the healed inner child. Instead of playing the victim
(wounded inner child), you will begin to take ownership, accountability, and
responsibility for where your life is and where it will end up (healed inner child).
Rather than feeling insecure and fearful (wounded inner child), you will begin to
notice more moments of feeling confident and secure with yourself (healed inner
child).
You no longer will look for external validation (i.e. others make you feel good or
worthy), but rather you will notice that you are able to validate yourself.
Being alone no longer scares you. You're not fixated on the idea of someone
completing you, or having to be surrounded by people all the time.
You finally realize that your company is amazing, and you like spending time with
yourself.
You may have noticed that in the past you were easily triggered (wounded inner
child), and now you're realizing that triggers no longer have the same response
from you; you're a lot calmer, and understanding (healed inner child).
The focus of your life is no longer on being serious all the time. You realize that
life is to have fun, create joy and happiness.
Instead of instantly focusing on the negative, you find yourself automatically

looking for the positive elements in life and situations. There is always a silver
lining for you (healed inner child).
You may have noticed that previously you were constantly filled with stress, worry
and fear (wounded inner child), but recently you have been feeling different.
Almost lighter, like you have unloaded some heavy baggage.
You find yourself generally filled with love, compassion and joy.
Affirmation for today

Words to soothe the inner child
If you're not too sure about what to say to your inner child, here are some helpful
statements to assist in your healing journey.
• You are safe and loved.
• You are so special, and perfect.
• Your emotions are valid.
• I love everything about you.
• You deserve happiness, and joy.
• You are worthy of beautiful things.
• You don't have to do anything to earn love.
• You are enough.
• You are capable.
• You did your very best.
• I am sorry you were hurt.
• You don't have to hide yourself.
• Just be free.
• I see you, and I hear you.
• You are loved just as you are.
• It was never your fault.
• It's ok to not feel ok.
• I am here for you.
• I forgive you.
• You can play all you want.
28 self-care ideas
Highlighting on this point again: putting yourself first is not selfish; it is necessary.
A huge part to healing the inner child is to engage in more self-care activities as it
indicates self-love.
To encourage more self-love and self-care, below are 28 self-care ideas.
I invite you to break out of your comfort zone.
1: Come up with a to-do list for this week, and get started on it.
2: Create a playlist of fun, and upbeat music. Play as many times as needed. By the
way, my favorite feel-good song is Lykke Li - I Follow Rivers (The Magician
Remix).
3: Get 20 minutes of sunlight. Preferably before 9am.
4: Look at your body, and identify all the things you love and appreciate your body
for.
5: Try something new for you.
6: Read something light and fun.
7: Get your favorite dessert - you deserve it!

8: Give your body a good scrub in the shower. Feel free to use a salt scrub, and
really pamper yourself.
9: List down 30 things you are grateful. Don't forget to mention your toes, fingers,
and eyes!
10: Get rid of 3 things that you don't use.
11: Forgive one person in your life.
12: Try a new evening routine. Switch it up!
13: Clean up one room (or drawer) in your home.
14: Reach out to an old friend for a chat.
15: Watch your favorite movie.
16: Drink 8 glasses of water today.
17: Cook yourself something healthy.
18: Watch a tutorial on how to do something.
19: Light a scented candle.
20: Have a power nap.
21: Listen to a podcast.

External validation, and habits
Do you know that a majority of people believe that their self-worth is directly
linked to what other people think of them?
It's no surprise considering that as children we grew in a state where we were
completely reliant on external validation; meaning that others validated our
feelings.
Now, validation can feel great, especially as it's going to boost your mood and
feelings about yourself. That's where internal validation comes in - you are able to
confirm that your feelings are valid.
However, when you become dependent on others validating you (i.e. friends,
family, boss praising you), you may actually be reliving your past abandonment
patterns.
This happens when you don't trust your own abilities regarding your life, so you
keep looking for others to signal to you that you're making the right choice, or that
you are good enough.
The reason why you do this is because you lack the appropriate skills to nurture
yourself, as it wasn't taught to you during childhood.
If your parents were not able to explain emotions to you during times when you
were experiencing stressful situations, you may have picked up on the belief of
being unlovable or unworthy.
Many parents operate on extreme ends of the spectrum - it's either they neglect
their child during peak emotional needs, or they pamper their child.
You may think that the latter would be helpful, but it actually limits the child from
developing healing self-soothing skills.
So let’s take a deeper look at external validation issues.
Does your life revolve around your romantic relationship?
Do you place your sense of worth on whether or not your parents accept your
decisions?
Do you acknowledge your achievements, or does it "sound better" hearing it from

someone else?
If you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, chances are that you get your
validation from others (i.e., external).
Here's the thing. You abandon yourself when you look to others to validate you.
Why?
Because you are operating from a place where you're uncertain about yourself, and
you're only going to "feel better" when someone else tells you that you're worthy
or doing a good job.
Then you have people who completely shut down at any time of emotional
distress.
You know the type?
They turn to the television, or social media.
Maybe even engaging in excessive sexual behavior, addictive substances, and self-
destructive behaviors.
Every time you engage in bad habits, you repeat a pattern of self-abandonment
because you fail to tap into what you really need.....love, attention and affection.
When you depend on others to validate you, and bad habits to regulate your
emotions, you are engaging in forms of abandonment seen through self-sabotage.
The constant act of self-sabotage is what keeps you in a state of anxiousness, low
self-esteem, depression, and irrational fears. You stay stuck in a place of
abandonment, and disconnect from your authentic self, as well as your inner child.
The deeper that you fall into self-abandonment, the harder it will be to enter a
fulfilling relationship with a loving and healthy partner.
Just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn't make the relationship fulfilling.

Just because someone has been in a "long" relationship, it doesn't mean they are
with a healthy partner.
Remember...if you're always looking to your partner to validate you, you're

focused on external validation, and still operating from the abandonment wound.
And so it brings me to the next topic.
Sex, the abandonment wound....and let's get a bit raw this time.
I am going to be taking you through what seems like a case study of the men in my
life.
Lovers, and the abandonment wound
I'm just going to start this off by saying I have a very healthy sex life, and I
thoroughly enjoy sex with partners that I consensually choose to have sex with.
Now that that's out of the way, let me dive into my time with Ace. As much as we
had our problems, the one area that we had zero problems in, and a whole lot of
passion in, was the bedroom (okay, sometimes the living room, and back seat of
the car).
I'm talking about "mind blowing + out of this world + feels like ecstasy" kind of
amazing sex.
Nothing was too kinky to try, and no fantasy left uncovered. We could explore
each other’s bodies for hours.
So I never really understood why Ace was always so jealous. The sex was
amazing. I wasn't about to cheat on him, because...again...the sex was amazing. I'm
sorry, I know this is really starting to sound like some sort of a "sleep with Ace"
promotion, but it was seriously an experience that I could rave on about.
Anyways, while Ace never disappointed me in the bedroom, I realize now that
emotionally he wasn't available for me in a way that made me feel safe and
secured.
Yeah, we had great sex, but that would always be followed by arguments, which
would then be followed by great make-up sex, and that just led to the cycle of sex-
fight-sex-fight.
So while cheating sexually wasn't up my alley, I have to be honest....I cheated

emotionally. Multiple times. I would meet men, and talk to them all about my
relationship woes. They'd look into my big brown eyes, and let me know how
amazing I was, and that if I ever needed them....they'd be just a call away.
Maybe if I had stopped for just a second to ask myself what I wanted, and what I
wasn't getting, I would have saved myself years of running into the arms of men.
Hoping that they would save me.
Hoping that they would love me, make me feel safe, and give me attention.
Didn't I know? In all my time of chasing men, I was reaffirming the fear of
abandonment wound, and abandoning myself in the process.
As it turns out, no amount of mind-blowing sex was enough to save the

relationship between Ace and I.
I was so scared to be vulnerable, and to put my 110% trust in him, that it led me to
self-sabotage continuously, and I basically burnt down the house that we had built
into a home.
Which leads me to the next part of this story.
The date that changed it all.....

Part-time lover
It had been months since Ace and I had broken up. We still shared the occasional
dinner, which would often lead us tangled up in bed together. Waking up in the
morning, looking at him....I would always feel this rush of guilt. What was I
doing? Why wasn't I moving on with my life? It felt like nothing was changing
except for the date on the calendar.....oh, and the fact that we didn't live together
anymore.
I made a decision. I had to move on with my life. And that's when I met him.
He walked into the room looking like a million bucks.
With his suave moves, and lines....he had me hooked.
For the first time in a long time, I could finally imagine a life without Ace.
Who was this mystery man?
Let’s call him JR.
JR seemed to fit the one criterion I had been looking for.
Emotionally he was there.
He would spend hours each day talking to me.
It felt like we had known each other for years, even though it had just been days.
There he was giving me the keys to his house, introducing me to his family, and
talking about marriage with me.
But this fairytale was too good to be true. You see, JR was smart. He knew exactly
what to say, and do, to reel me in. Once he got me at a place where I was
emotionally vulnerable with him, he started to show me the real side to him. It
started off with small things - an ugly side to his personality stemming from
jealousy. I played it off, and told myself that I should be more understanding, and
not so argumentative (after all, I was trying to learn from my past mistakes with
Ace).
The small things got bigger. Temper tantrums, throwing out ultimatums about what
I could or could not post on my social media. Again, I convinced myself that I
should be understanding.
Abandoning myself time, and time again. Hoping that he would have been the
savior. The One.
Then came this one evening. We had decided to take our relationship to the next
level, and that meant some elements of physical intimacy.
Now keep in mind, I had only been with Ace this entire time - remember amazing
sex?
All fantasies were explored?
So I had some high expectations when it came to the bedroom....not going to lie.
Here's the thing, Ace did a lot of things very well.
Unfortunately, sharing emotions wasn't one of them...I'd give him like a 2 for that.
But sex? A gold star, medal, and trophy.
He did this one thing in bed - to keep it kind of PG13, I'm just going to say Ace
could eat a peach really well, and he wasn't the kind to rush through it either. To
my surprise, JR explicitly told me that he wasn't keen on eating any peaches. Ever.
Soon after, I ended the relationship with JR.
Looking back at that experience, I realized something.
Emotional abandonment was familiar to me so I would stick around in situations

that replayed that, but sexual abandonment was completely foreign to me.
When JR basically put it out there, that I would have to give up certain sexual
elements to be with him, I realized that I would never abandon myself sexually.
I just could not bring myself to say "yes" to that.
By JR putting me in that situation, I finally chose me.
This one single gesture helped me to see the pattern of my past where I would
abandon myself in hopes that someone else would love me, choose me, and keep
me safe.
By continuously looking for love, I failed to show myself love.
So this one is to JR - thank you.
Because of you, I finally took the step towards choosing myself.

I'm not saying that anyone should put up with things like jealousy, or being
controlled, but you have to understand that I was already used to this - from Ace,
and past men in my life....and from childhood aspects right (so much of control
over what I could do and say, that I rebelled, and struggled to follow rules).
So while I was used to abandoning myself....I was not used to it in a sexual

manner.
I was used to a good, healthy sex life....I realized that I was worthy of having this.
Therefore, I was unable to accept an unhealthy sex life with JR (note: for me it was
unhealthy as I wouldn't have been satisfied sexually. You decide what you like,
and don't like in your sex life.....but nobody has to make that their preference too).
Which now brings me to the most important point about the fear of
abandonment.....
If you were a child who grew up experiencing that your emotional, and physical,
needs were not important, you essentially are "familiar" with abandonment. That is
what you will accept as an adult.
Because it's familiar, and remember, that smart mind of yours yearns to recreate
familiarity (even if it is unhealthy).
This is why for years I kept accepting people in my life when they kept abandoning
me emotionally....because I never had someone who was there for me emotionally.
That was foreign to me.
However, emotional unavailability was familiar.

Another familiar aspect: amazing sex life. I had never abandoned myself in that
way (depriving myself of my sexual needs and desires), so how could I even
imagine a life where I was to accept a subpar sex life? I'm sorry (actually,
sorry...not sorry) it's difficult for me to accept a life with someone who doesn't
want to engage in XYZ, ABC, plus apples, oranges and peaches.
This next part is as raw as it gets:
In order to heal the abandonment wound, you must understand why you keep
putting up with shit.
Sometimes it's because shit is all you've ever really known, or experienced.
When you can acknowledge that......that is when you heal. If you can't
acknowledge the shit that you went through in your past, then I'm sorry but hard
truth: this book is not going to help you because you're not at a point where you are
able to fully acknowledge (and accept) the pain that you went through.
The above is exactly what I went through. I painted in my mind (and to others) all
these happy childhood memories. I just remembered it being like a dream.
This was a fantasy that kept me from truly healing.
I could not acknowledge the shit that I had been through.
How could I possibly heal when I didn't even know I was hurting?
Very important to highlight: I am not saying that having anyone control you is
acceptable behavior. In fact, this is a red flag, and it will eventually open up to
more manipulation, co-dependency, and emotional abandonment. What I am
saying is that this is the journey that I went through. The healing journey is not
always a bed of roses, and it's not perfect. So I am not going to give you a book
that says "Oh, read this. It all happened so perfectly. Just fine and dandy".
No. There was a lot of pain.
I learnt through the pain, and I believe that many people out there are going
through the same thing, but they are simply unaware of it.
When you are with someone who tries to manipulate you emotionally, you have to
understand that they are going to try to convince you that it is normal not to have
certain rights (I am not saying this is right, I am saying this is what an emotional
manipulator will do to you).
That is when you will start to mold yourself into what they want you to be.
Because the fear of abandonment creeps in, and all the other things that stem from
this starts to get triggered.
You start to believe that if you can just be what they want you to be, then you'll
finally be accepted and loved. You will be good enough because they finally see
you as being worthy to be chosen by them.
By doing that....you abandon yourself.
They choose you, but did you choose yourself?

"They choose you,

but did you choose
yourself?"
-Shireen Olikh
Again....you actually abandon yourself because the message that you're sending to
yourself (and to your inner child) is no one will ever truly love you as you are, so
you need to change many elements of yourself so that you can be loved. You will
only be loved for what you do.
That is not the way to do things. It is simply what was taught to you as a child.
Think about it....your parents may have compared you to others and that would
have made you feel bad about yourself, and want to change yourself.
It goes deeper than the above. Think about your emotions. When you were angry
or sad as a child, how did your parents deal with this? For many of you, it would
have been stop crying or do not express your anger, it is bad. When you are not
taught about your emotions, and how to deal with your emotions, as an adult you
will always lack the tools to cope with this.
Nothing is going to change because you didn't have the knowledge on this to begin
with (it wasn't taught to you).
The only difference is that, as an adult, you may act out in different ways because
you still find it hard to regulate your emotions, and even to validate yourself.
Please note, things can only change when you become awake of the patterns of
your past, and make an effort to learn new ways to manage yourself, and heal.
Building self-validation
When you finally decide to choose yourself, you have to understand that a new
life, and identity awaits you. One where you have to learn to build self-validation
(i.e., internal), and healthy habits.
The fear of abandonment will keep you grabbing onto people who are essentially
thorns. They'll hurt you, but you find it hard to let go because while you feel it isn't
right....there is still this need to please.
When you're operating from that place, in some way you are still looking for
validation from someone else. So this is where you learn how to build self-
validation. The new you - the you who chooses himself/herself. This new you is
indifferent if someone likes your post on social media or not. Because for the first
time in a long time, you are no longer chasing for acceptance or living with a
constant fear of rejection.
Building self-validation is essential towards healing. This includes saying nice

things to yourself, prioritizing your needs, acknowledging and accepting your
emotions, encouraging yourself, identifying your strengths and successes, while
also accepting your flaws.
Gentle reminder, self-validation is a skill that requires practice. It may not be easy
at first, but simply commit to trying one thing a day that is aimed at building your
self-validation skill. With practice, you'll get better at it, and as you build this skill
your need for external validation will reduce.
Below are some steps to practice self-validation:

1. Get to know yourself.
This means really getting to know what drives you, and what your values are. This
will help you to analyze your motives - are you doing something for yourself, or to
gain attention from others?
If you notice your actions are somehow linked to others, it's a good time to step
away from that action, as it would keep you in a loop of external validation
patterns.
2. Identify how you feel, and express it.
For example: I'm sad, and I need time alone. Follow up on this by accepting your
feelings, without judging yourself. For example: I'm allowed to feel sad in this
situation. Taking some time for myself will help me get through this.
3. Don't over-identify with feelings.
While it's good to acknowledge your feelings, you don't want to let them define
you. "I feel angry" vs "I am angry". One is temporary, and one is making it a
permanent element to your identity.
Remember, your feelings are temporary. They will come and go.
They do not define you.

Self-validation examples
If you're still not too sure about how to self-validate yourself, here are some
statements that can help with validating yourself (instead of depending on others to
validate you).
• My feelings are valid. I am allowed to feel my emotions.
• My self-worth isn't based on the opinions of others.
• I'm proud of myself.
• I'm struggling right now.
• What do I need to cope better?
• It's not my job to be liked by everyone, it is my job to like myself.
• I am not defined by my accomplishments or failures.
• I did my best today.
• I am worthy of all good things.

Self-validation exercises
1. The next time you find yourself trying to validate yourself, I'd like to invite you
to imagine that a good friend of yours was going through the same thing you were
going through.
What would you say to this friend of yours?
Use those same words on yourself to validate yourself.
2. Give yourself what you need/desire.
If you feel that your parents never accepted you, think of what you would have
liked for them to have said to you.
It can be healing for you to acknowledge what you need to hear the most, and offer
those same words to yourself.
Note: for a very long time, I always put a lot of pressure on myself. Everyone else
could make a mistake, or "fall down", but I would beat myself up for every little
thing I did wrong. One day I realized that I was so mean.....I was so mean to me,
but so kind to others if they were going through a rough time. Why couldn't I be
that for me? So I made it a point to be kinder to myself.
Narcissist + the abandonment wound
These two go together like peanut butter and jelly.
As I mentioned earlier, the abandonment wound is linked closely with being a

people-pleaser (think about difficulty in acknowledging their true self, setting
boundaries, and often neglecting themselves for someone else). On the other end,
you have narcissists....they only care for themselves, and disregard others (and
their boundaries).
The pleaser wants to be nice, and the narcissist wants power. Essentially both of
them have themes of feeling empty, lonely, insecure, or guilty. They both operate
from a place of low self-esteem.
Yes, I know this is confusing as narcissism is often thought to be linked to people

with high self-esteem, but that is just a mask they're wearing.
Deep down, the narcissist also has a fear of abandonment.
So the people-pleaser, and the narcissist are like magnets for one another.
Both looking for validation and acceptance from one another, while the threat of
rejection and abandonment looms in the background.
On a deeper level, one has to understand that the reason why these two types of
people behave the way they do, is because they're trying to process their emotions
from past events, and they have learnt to be in survival mode.
Narcissistic abuse + fear of abandonment
3 areas make up a narcissist: low empathy, inflated sense of self, and an extreme
need for admiration/attention.
To put it in simple terms: everybody, look at me because I am the bomb. FYI, I

don't care about you. Just look at me.
Narcissistic abuse involves some degree of manipulative and controlling behavior,

verbal abuse, and emotional manipulation.
The narcissist is all about control, and someone with a fear of abandonment will
essentially embody traits of being a people-pleaser.
Remember, this is all about taking care of the needs of someone else (to feel
validated). So these two normally find themselves in a relationship with each other
because the narcissist finds that the person with the abandonment wound is easy to
control, and the person with the abandonment wound places the narcissist on a
pedestal, plus lives to make them happy.
Think along the lines of if he/she is happy, then I am happy.
By now you're probably an expert, so what happens here? By choosing someone

else, the person with the abandonment is engaging in self-abandonment, and
moving further away from the path of healing.
The red flags
Navigating through relationships can be tricky. So often a lot of deal breakers go

unnoticed until it's too late. Here are some red flags that must be acknowledged.
• If someone can't stop telling you how perfect you are, you have to
understand that they're placing you on a pedestal and projecting some
perfect idea of you in their mind. They don't see you. They see the idea of
what they want you to be. If you shatter that expectation - simply by being
human and having a flaw - that person is going to become inconsolable.
Quick story: I had a past lover who told me on our first date that he absolutely
loved the fact that I didn't consume alcohol, and that I was the perfect match for
him.
One evening, weeks later, I had cooked my special "red wine sauce" pasta.
When I served it, he looked at me and said "Looks like you won't be eating any." I
was confused, and asked "Why not?"
He calmly said, "Because there's red wine in the sauce." I immediately corrected
him, and told him I don't drink alcohol, but I am indifferent if it is served in food.
He was taken aback, and not pleased.
You see, the "perfect image" of me that he had formed in his mind was now
tainted.
• Their sex drive is much higher or lower than yours. There isn't a right
amount of sex to be had, but it is very important that you and your partner
have a similar libido level.
If you want sex every night, and your partner wants it once every 2
months....do you see how the two of you are in for a world of hurt,
frustration and resentment?
• They rush a relationship forward. Think along the lines of love bombing
you, calling you all the time, making plans to travel within a week or two of
knowing you.
They basically are reeling you in quickly, before you even have a chance to
see their true self. If someone wants to lock it down before you're really
ready.....RUN! and don't look back.
• They describe their exes as "crazy". I get it, relationships end, and
unfortunately it isn't always on a good note.
Be wary when someone starts to go through a list of their exes and everyone
is crazy or manipulative.
Maybe it's the person you're with that actually is the problem.
• They call you names in arguments. If someone doesn't respect you when
they are angry, they do not respect you period. Also, it goes to show you that
they lack healthy conflict resolution skills, and isn't that important in a
relationship?
Why would you want to sign up for a life with someone who always deals
with conflict by name-calling, yelling, slamming doors, and giving you the
silent treatment?
• They make you feel guilty. Guilt and shame are very low emotions. People
who make you feel guilty and shameful are skilled emotional manipulators,
and in a way: energy vampires.
They are not the type of people you want to date...let alone build a future
with.
• They don't apologize for their mistakes. Again...just run, and don't look
back.
• They try to isolate you from your friends and family. They constantly make
statements like nobody cares about you the way that I do. They keep
pointing out how others are using you, or taking advantage of you.
They will paint themselves out to be the only person that has your best
interests at heart. In the long run, you become completely dependent on
them, because that is exactly what they wanted.
Words from Shireen
When you're so used to abandoning yourself, it is going to become difficult for you
to trust yourself. This keeps you asking others for their opinions. When you keep
asking others for their opinions, you will also keep living in a state of mistrusting
yourself, as you lack the trust in your judgement. Meaning you don't even feel safe
with yourself, and your choices. So you keep looking for external validation
because mistrust of self, and external validation, truly go hand in hand.
What I want for you to ask yourself is this....
How many times do you refer to others for guidance, and advice?
The more that you keep referring to others for guidance.....the more you keep
abandoning yourself. Please note, I am not referring about seeking out to
professionals for their input.
I'm referring to this: you want to buy a t-shirt. You see it in 2 colors. You like both
colors. Instead of choosing for yourself, you send a picture of the two t-shirts to
your friends and family to ask them which color will suit you.
They reply with their opinions, and you end up choosing something based on their
opinion.
Yes, you did like the 2 colors, but you didn't allow yourself to actually reflect on
which on you truly liked.
There was a time when I used to do the exact same thing. That was when I was
operating from a placed of the wounded inner child. I needed external validation. I
had to ensure that my choices were being accepted by others. I was also miserable.
I want you to repeat the following:

I know what is best for me. I create my reality.
You do know the best, but you have been conditioned since childhood that you do
not know the best, which is why you keep looking to others to save you (in some
aspect).
You are the only person who can save yourself. If you don't feel safe being alone,
by yourself, you can never feel safe being with somebody else. This is because
when they are around you, you will believe that you are safe.
As soon as they aren't around you, your life will feel shaky. This thought creeps
up, what if they leave you?
And let’s go deeper into that......
What if one day things don't work out, and they do leave you?
Or what if your relationship is no longer healthy?
You're not going to leave because you will abandon yourself and choose them, as
you can't imagine life without them.
You have become so dependent on them.
Which brings me to 2 other types of relationships that we must discuss.........

Friends and family
Make no mistake, the abandonment wound will also show up in friendships and
family relationships.
With friendships, I found myself being friends with people who weren't genuine,
and didn't have my best interests at heart.
This is what I mean.... If I have shared with Amy something about me, and
suddenly if Amy, Bob, Camille, and Dylan all know about that "something about
me"....well, Amy isn't a genuine friend, right?
Nor is she a loyal one.
She's going around and talking about my business to others.
So why would I keep Amy around as a friend?
Because I was scared. Scared that I would be alone, and lonely. I was scared that I
wouldn't meet other friends. What if nobody else liked me? This caused me to stick
like glue to Amy, and a certain circle of friends.
Even though it would hurt me at times.
I am not saying that the entire friendship was bad - there were good and bad
snippets - but the point is, were the bad snippets my “non-negotiables”? Did I keep
crossing my boundaries to stay in the friendship?
All-Relationships Exercise
Note: your psychologist recommends this….
It's time to look at the relationships in your life. On a piece of paper, you're going
to list out the diagram below:
Now, you're going to list out for these 3 categories (friends, family and lovers),
what are the personality traits and characteristics that you want. After that, you're
also going to list out what you do not want. Have a look at everything you've
written down; with a red pen, you're going to circle all the items that are non-
negotiable
The non-negotiable items will keep you accountable to breaking out of the pattern
of self-abandonment. As soon as you become aware that someone from the friends,
family, or lovers, category is breaking a non-negotiable item on your life, you have
to acknowledge that this goes against what you truly want.
Why are you sticking around in relationships that go against what you want?
For example, if my list for "lovers" has loyal under "What I want", and smoker
under "What I do not want", I may circle loyal (non-negotiable), but leave smoker
as it is.
This indicates that I may be willing to accept a smoker, but I will not accept
someone who is unfaithful, and this is non-negotiable.
If you don't identify exactly what you want, and do not want, you may find
yourself in relationships that drain you, rather than serve you.
When I say "serve you", I don't mean relationships where you're selfishly "taking".
I am referring to relationships where if you expect loyalty from someone, then they
can be sure to expect the same from you. Basically, what you put in, is what you
receive back.
Sometimes you'll realize that if you just stopped making all the effort, and picking
up the phone to call someone..... they wouldn't call at all.
Now let’s look at family too.
You see, if family members keep hurting you, and have a way of throwing words
at you that land like sharp knives....you may keep putting up with it because there
is a fear within you, and this thought would be very apparent: Who am I without
my family?
I had that fear for a long time.
A big part of it is because I grew up with one chunk of my family always painting
a picture saying that "family is everything".
Yes, family is everything when the family is loving, supportive and peaceful.
Family is not everything when they are toxic, unhealthy, chaotic, and hurtful.
You have to be able to make the differentiation.
Are they the reason for your success (i.e. wind beneath your wings), or are they the
reason you need therapy?
In my case, there is a clear divide in my family, and basically there's this one
chunk who aren't healthy for me, and the other chunk who are kind to me, and give
me the space I need - they respect my boundaries.
I realize now that I used to always put up with the family that wasn't very nice to
me. Why? I was scared. Scared of being alone.
Desperate for their love, and validation. I realized that by doing that, I was causing
pain to myself.
I was abandoning myself....to gain love and acceptance from others.
I taught myself that I couldn't do that anymore. I learnt a new way.

By doing so, I pretty much stepped out of my family.
I still communicate with them, but it is at a 1.5% compared to the 100% in the past.
Why?
Because I choose me.
Finally.
Each time that I miss them, and I think that I want to call them or spend time with
them....I ask myself "Why though?"
Am I looking for their validation? Perhaps. So it signals to me that I need to work

on myself. I need to validate myself. Family is not everything.
This very belief teaches us that we must abandon ourselves for the sake of family.
Forget that.
You must think of yourself as being the most important person in your life that you
have to care for. You can't keep self-abandoning yourself in hopes that others will
love you.
In a world where you're not loving yourself 100%, how can you expect that from
someone else?
Which brings me to an important point. The only time that you can truly be free,
and focus on not abandoning yourself, is when you gain your financial
independence.
Until you don't have that, you will always be under the control of someone else,
and this may cause you to abandon yourself in some way....
"In a world where

you're not loving
yourself 100%, how
can you expect that
from someone else?"
-Shireen Olikh
Learning to trust yourself again
If you have engaged in self-abandonment in the past, it may have destroyed your
ability to trust yourself or other people. Here are the steps to help in your healing,
and for you to slowly build the trust in yourself again.
When you've been through unhealthy relationships, you never quite leave them as
the same person.
Your self-esteem gets affected, and you find it difficult to go with your instincts.
This is as your mind is replaying to you past events where your instincts told you
something was good for you, but it turned out to be oh-so-bad.
Below are a few signs of insecurity, that may also lead to unhealthy codependency,
and lack of trust in self.
You constantly:
• Criticize your choices.
• Second guess yourself, and your ability to take care of yourself.
• Replay your memories, wondering if it was true or if you exaggerated them.
• Cope with life stressors via unhealthy methods such as drinking, smoking,
or self-harming behaviors.
• Feel anxious and depressed.
• Seek for others to validate you.
Clearly, if you don't trust yourself...life is going to be unpleasant, and pretty scary.
The good thing about all this is that if you have lost trust in yourself, you can
rebuild it.
To begin with, when you want to rebuild trust in yourself, you have to operate
from a core belief: the belief that you can take care of yourself.
Meaning you can count on yourself to make decisions that will keep you safe and
happy.
You choose yourself, rather than choosing others, and abandoning yourself in the
process.
If your goal is to make someone else happy, you are not helping yourself rebuild
the trust in yourself.
Below are some easy steps that you can follow to show yourself that you are
worthy, and capable of keeping yourself happy, and safe. So here is to rebuilding
self-trust:
• You must have strong boundaries. Boundaries are the way that you
acknowledge what you want and do not want to do. They keep you safe.
They also signal to others the way that is appropriate to speak to you, and
treat you (as well as the way not to).
When you have strong boundaries, you are able to easily identify situations
that may hurt you, and this allows you to exit from such situation (i.e.,
leaving an event, ending a phone call, saying "no"). Start practicing setting
boundaries, and notice how different you begin to feel.
• Keep your promises to yourself. If you say you're going to eat healthy this
week, do it. If you say you're waking up at 7am, do it.
Start setting small, doable goals for yourself, and consistently keep your
promise to yourself to fulfil the goal. This could look like making your bed
every morning, or cleaning out one drawer in your room.
As you learn that you can keep commitments to yourself, you will slowly
build the confidence to move into bigger things - meaning bigger goals, and
bigger successes.
All of this isn't possible if you don't believe you are capable of fulfilling the
goals you have set.
• Be your authentic self. In order to trust yourself, you have to stick with your
values and beliefs, rather than changing yourself to fit in.
Start to voice out your opinions (small things, and work your way up). This
helps you to believe that you are worthy, and accepted.
Also, you consistently challenge yourself and break free from the cycle of
constantly being focused on the fear of rejection.
• Listen to your feelings. Your feelings are always valid. You have to be the
first person to tell yourself that.
When you avoid your feelings, you neglect yourself, and make it hard to
understand yourself, and your needs.
By listening to your feelings, you may begin to make better decisions. For
example, if you feel angry about saying "yes" to working overtime, you may
realize that you wanted to say "no" but you didn't say that as you were
worried about what your supervisor would say.
• Prioritize, and take excellent care of yourself.
If you feel tired, take a nap.
If you feel uninspired, listen to your favorite podcast.
If you feel sad, go for a walk.
To trust yourself, you also have to trust that no matter what type of emotion
or situation comes your way, you will be able to manage yourself. A gentle
reminder.....self-care and self-love are not options, they are necessities.
They indicate to you that your health and happiness is a priority.

What setting boundaries sounds like
Trusting yourself also means that you can set healthy boundaries. If the concept of
boundaries is foreign to you, here are some helpful statements when it comes to
keeping yourself safe, and setting a boundary.
• Doing XYZ doesn't work for me today.

• I can't help you with that.
• No.
• That doesn't work for me. I need ___________.
• I'm not agreeable to that.
• This is not something that I feel comfortable discussing.
• I can help you on Thursday, but I am unavailable the rest of the week.
• I can stay for 1 hour.
• My weight is not a topic of discussion. Do not bring it up again.
• I'm unable to lower my price, I hope you find someone else in your budget.
• I'm not available to chat right now, I will be at 5pm.
• I'm going to my room now to get some quiet time.
• I appreciate you cooking, but I'm not eating XYZ right now.
As you can see from above, boundaries range from space, topic, time, and
consumption.
The inner voice
Then comes the real bully when you think about self-sabotage and the cheerleader
towards self-abandonment.
Your critical inner voice.
It's harsh.
It always puts you, your relationships, and your efforts under a microscope.
Here's the thing.....you may be so familiar with this inner voice, that you don't even
realize it is the enemy.
Here are some examples of how your inner voice perpetuates thoughts of
unworthiness, and encourages self-sabotage.
You see that there's an opening for a promotion at work, the inner voice speaks,
"You're not even going to get it, why bother applying?".
Or maybe you see a handsome man, and the inner voice immediately chirps away
"He's not in your league, and no way would he be interested in you."
On the other hand, it could sound like "People always leave. I can't expect them to
be there for me." The inner voice is formed through your childhood experiences,
and chances are it almost mimics a caregiver’s voice. Think about it. Maybe it
sounds like your critical and harsh dad. Or perhaps like your mum who kept telling
you not to aim too high as you'd get hurt when you failed.
The point is, the inner voice is automatic, but could it be replaying your pain
automatically?
Why so critical?
The inner voice may have formed its critical viewpoint as a way to protect you as a
child (i.e., in order to save you from emotional hurt, the inner voice was a coping
strategy formed in your childhood). The thing is, as an adult, you don't need its
protection, but it is still going on as background noise.
When the inner voice is critical, it acts as a weight in the sense that it keeps you
from becoming your Highest Self, and achieving your full potential. Especially
when you look at relationships. It always keeps you walking on egg-shells out of
fear that someone will leave you. So, the inner voice keeps you stuck replaying
childhood trauma. You see, it will continue to throw at you irrational beliefs about
your present life, and make predictions about the future that are primarily
pessimistic and based on past negative experiences.
I encourage you to look at your inner voice as your protector.
Show it compassion as it is a defense mechanism.
At the same time, become aware that listening to the critical inner voice means that
you're operating from a state of survival mode.
In survival mode, you are wounded.
In order to heal, you must learn to challenge the inner voice, and mold it into a
voice of compassion and patience.
Inner voice + labels
If you grew up with parents who were emotionally underdeveloped, they would
have projected parts that they didn't like about themselves onto you.
As a child, you wouldn't be able to understand they their words and actions aren't
about you - it is a direct reflection of them. Of their inability to regulate their
emotions, or express themselves in a healthy manner.
So as a child, if you heard your parents calling you "naughty", "bad", "stupid", you
would have latched onto this label, and made it your reality.
As an adult, chances are you are recreating this same role in your relationships.
Here's how the inner voice appears in your life, and causes havoc:
• Attack, attack, attack. The inner voice knows all of your weaknesses, and it
uses that information to constantly point out your insecurities. This may
blow things out of proportion, and cause you to feel extremely anxious or on
edge.
• Blaming. If you happen to find yourself in a relationship, the inner voice is

going to self-sabotage by constantly focusing on your partner. Example:
your partner shows up late for dinner and your inner voice is immediately
playing scenarios for you in which your partner is unfaithful
Challenging the inner voice
The first step to overcoming the inner voice is to challenge it. Identify what it
sounds like (i.e., mean and critical), and accept that the voice is not you. It is a
separate part of you.
One that was formed to protect you, remember?
When you start to notice the critical inner voice showing up, give it a name (i.e.,
Miss/Mr Criticism), and begin to call it out. "Okay, Mr. Criticism is here again.
You're just here to be critical, but you're not actually telling me the truth."
The more you're able to accept that the inner voice is not you, the easier it becomes
for you to step into an identity that is much more aligned to a healed version of
you.
The next step is to challenge the inner voice.
You have to tell it repeatedly that it is wrong. Go back in time to when the memory
was first formed. Acknowledge the hurt and confusion, then offer the inner voice a
replacement (i.e., positive thought). Lastly, if you feel that working on the inner
voice is overwhelming, be open to reaching out for some assistance from a
licensed mental health care practitioner.
Sometimes all that you need is someone to illuminate the path to you.
Stages of abandonment
Doing the inner work is needed, and that's exactly what this book provides you.
A workshop comprised in a book to best assist you on your healing journey.
As I have mentioned, it is a process, and you must trust the process. During the
process, it is considered normal to experience what feels like an emotional roller-
coaster ride.
Healing through abandonment means that you'll be reliving some memories of

loss, or of feeling that you were left behind. While working through the trauma of
abandonment, you can expect to go through the 5 stages - S.W.I.R.L:
• Shattering: At this point, you go through what feels like a rip in your
attachment. It may feel as though someone has just stabbed you in the heart.
The way that you perceived reality is completely shaken, and your view of
yourself is damaged.
This is the moment where you're feeling completely devastated.
As your attachment system is being attacked, you may begin to feel

threatened and unsafe.
During this stage you're feeling helpless, and may begin to form a thought
such as I'll always be alone.
During the shattering stage, what you can do is to allow yourself the space,
and time, needed to ride the emotional wave. You have to experience this in
order to restore balance and self-regulation in your life.
• Withdrawal: During this point, you begin to yearn and crave for the person,
relationship or role that once was there.
You may begin to experience anxiety, as well as a deep feeling of loss.
You're essentially feeling vulnerable.
The reason why this stage is called 'withdrawal' is because your body is
reacting to the sudden loss of 'love'.
Your body goes through the fight-or-flight response, and you may start to
experience symptoms that feel like you are coming down with a cold.
You become very focused on surviving the day, rather than living through
the day.
Here's what you can do: engage in grounding activities to stay present, and
separate yourself from the chaos.
You can do this using the 3-3-3 technique (focus on 3 things you can see, 3
things you can feel, 3 things you can hear), and incorporate elements of deep
breathing.
This is the time when you need to be most focused on self-care (i.e., avoid
abandoning yourself).
"If you're going

through hell,
don't stop,
keep moving!"
-Les Brown
• Internalizing: This is where you begin to take it personally.
You internalize the loss, and make it about you.
This may become the evidence to your mind that you're not important, or
that nobody loves you.
This is where anger starts to build up....only this time it is directed at

yourself. You may start to blame yourself for the loss, and question if you
are worthy.
This will cause a significant scar to your self-image, and attachment style.
Past trauma will appear here. So here is what you can do: remember the
words of Les Brown, if you're going through hell, don't stop, keep moving!
I know it's hard. I know you feel like giving up, but just like how we talked
about not abandoning yourself, and your inner child, there is one more part
of you that you can't abandon.....and that is your future self.
During this point, you have to create a mental image of your future self (i.e.,
Highest Self) and use it as an anchor/lighthouse to guide you.
For instance, perhaps you're going through a point where you can't imagine
being happy again and laughing....I want you to visualize that future self of
you doing just that.
Even if it is for a few seconds, conjuring this image will help you in terms of
a neuro-biological perspective (i.e., you internalize the image and it will lead
to a drive to work towards new goals, which will lead to a shift in your life
and identity).
• Rage: At this point you experience a deep sense of rage because you feel
that you have gone through injustice.
You're desperate you get your life back on track, but at the same time you're
angry, and restless.
It's important that you validate your emotions at this point. You are allowed
to feel angry, but you have to be careful that it doesn't show up in ways such
as having anger outbursts, fantasizing about revenge, experiencing low
tolerance to distress, and even feeling generally irritated.
You may notice that self-sabotaging behavior occurs (i.e., lashing out at
loved ones, blaming self).
What you can do: change the narrative that you're repeating to yourself.
When you look at the story from a lens of being a victim, or wronged, you're
going to feel dismissed, helpless, abandoned, and seeking for approval.
Instead of falling into a downward spiral, it would be best to express what

you have gone through, or lost - this can be done by yourself, with a close
and trusted friend, or in a healing space of therapy.
Despite experiencing rage, focus on transforming it into building healthy

habits so that you can promote your own healing journey.
• Lifting: At last, you finally begin to feel snippets of relief from all the pain
and grief.
You begin to experience life again, and regain your confidence. You can
finally see yourself shedding off your old skin that was burnt with the
traumatic memories, and you are able to envision the next chapter of your
life.
At this stage, the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to
reflect on what you went through.
Understand what the fear of abandonment, and the abandonment wound did
to you.
Acknowledge the pain, feelings of loneliness, and helplessness.
Once that is done, you have to face the fact that it is time to move into your
next chapter, and let this be one of possibility and opportunity.
Bring into this chapter confidence, knowledge, and trust. Trust within
yourself to be able to navigate through anything that life throws at you.
In a world where everything appears to be chaotic, how can you fully trust
anyone or a situation?
You see, that is not where your trust needs to be. Your trust needs to be
150% in you.
When you trust yourself, you realize that no matter what anyone or any
situation does to you, you will ensure that you prioritize yourself, and keep
yourself safe.
"Love yourself like

your life depends on it."
-Kamal Ravikant
6 steps to loving yourself
When you're ready to reset, recharge, and transform...these are some tips that you
can use to show yourself just how worthy you are of love.
The concept of self-love is easy, it's not about being selfish, it's about valuing and
caring for yourself. After all, you can never pour from an empty cup. Every time
you take a flight, you are reminded of this by the airlines (i.e., put your oxygen
mask on first before helping others).
Below are 6 simple, and realistic, ways to truly embrace yourself by loving
yourself in a meaningful way:
• Love yourself just as you are.
This means loving yourself today, and not focusing on loving yourself only
when you achieve some goal of becoming a future version of you. If you
don't accept yourself as you are presently, you are robbing yourself of
experiencing self-love from within.
You can have body goals, career goals, and even relationship goals....there is
nothing wrong with being ambitious.
However, there is something gravely wrong if you are not appreciating what
you have presently.
• Do things that make you happy.
I encourage you to look at this from a perspective of mind, body, and soul.
Find time each day to make yourself happy rather than constantly being on
the chase to make others happy.
By doing this, you give yourself the opportunity to explore things that truly
matter to you. These are the things that your mind deserves to focus on.
• Accept that perfect doesn't exist.
Focusing on achieving perfection keeps you in a constant state of "not good

enough".
Once you accept that perfect doesn't exist, you give yourself permission to
accept things as they are. You view "flaws" as unique attributes. This is what
makes you unique and beautiful.
Simply being you.
• Show up consistently.
Self-love is not a destination. It is a conscious choice that you must make

each day. Check in with yourself about your insecurities. Give yourself time
to reflect, and self-soothe when needed.
Remind yourself to validate yourself, accept yourself as you are, and to

continuously review what is important to you (rather than what society or
your family says is important). Self-love is not about ignoring "heavy
emotions", it is about acknowledging them and not allowing them to
consume you.
You can do that by consciously choosing to engage your energy in things

that make you feel happy and fulfilled
• Don't blame yourself.
Life is filled with ups and downs.
When you're feeling low, sad, and disappointed, you clearly have enough on
your plate, and adding self-blame is unwise. During low points, that's when
it becomes so vital for you to become aware that you need comforting words
and sympathy.
You are capable of giving that to yourself. During moments like this, it can
be beneficial to redefine how you view "failure".
Failure doesn't mean "you failed". It means you tried, you learnt how it's not
going to work, and with that lesson you will do better in the next stage.
Rather than focusing on getting it "right", focus on giving it your best.
• It's you VS you.
Comparing yourself to others can become addictive, but essentially it is

extremely unhelpful. The only person that you have to compare yourself to,
is yourself.
Look at how far you have come. Rather than labelling yourself, begin to
actively focus on evaluating your personal growth, and achievements.
What you think of yourself is more important than what others think of you.
Reflections for you
• If you met yourself presently, what would you think about yourself?
• Are you living your life in a way that is authentic, and feels safe, or in a way
that keeps you feeling worried and fearful?
• What can you change to help yourself feel safe, and confident?
• Who hurt you last? Are you ready to forgive them? Why/why not?
• What does your inner child need to move on?
• Have you been choosing yourself recently, or choosing others?
• Growing up, did your parents ever teach you to prioritize yourself, or give
you the idea that you are important?
• What is a promise that you'd like to make to yourself today?
Reminder: your word is important. Never break your word to yourself.

Final words from Shireen
Consider this book your bible to healing the abandoned child. It looks at every
nook and corner.
Explains the why, when, how and you know the rest. But here's the most important
element of this book - you must remember that nothing will change if you change
nothing.
If you don't look back to the past pain, and heal that chapter, life will simply keep
throwing you the same people and the same lessons, but they'll come in the form of
different faces and events.
So, I share with you one last element.
After exploring many elements that were needed to my healing, it appeared that
one lesson still had to be learnt. I had to learn it in the form of The Accountant.
The Accountant took me out for dinner. Looked into my eyes, and told me that a
man could simply get lost in there.
Then he proceeded to show me pictures of his wife and children. I sat there
confused.
What exactly was going on?
He said he wanted to be friends. According to him, there was nothing wrong with
being friends, right?
But as we walked out of the restaurant, he slid his arm around me and said, "If
you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you." I got the message loud and clear.....he
wanted to have me in bed.
In that moment I realized something. The Accountant had many similar traits to
Ace, and JR.
It took me years with Ace, and weeks with JR, what I figured out in a few seconds
with The Accountant.
He was emotionally unavailable.
The fact that he was married already screamed that out. Going down this path
would simply mean reliving past trauma.
Choosing the same path of self-sabotage, and self-abandonment, in hopes that

someone else (i.e., normally a man) would show me love and attention.
So, what did I do? I chose me.
I moved his arm away, and he seemed to get the message too.....I'm not interested.
The term for being attracted to emotionally unavailable people is called

abandoholic.
Basically, instead of being addicted to a substance, you are addicted to the

emotional drama of heartbreak.
This happens when you keep pursuing the one that's "hard to get". But here's the
thing.....I had already processed my pain.
I no longer was operating from a place of unconsciousness where I may keep

acting like a magnet for rejection and insecurity.
No, I was done with that.
I was healing, and this meant I was also slowly transforming into a new version of
myself.
You will go through the same thing (i.e., transform).
For those with the abandonment wound, we have to go through the 5 stages of
abandonment, but in the end to truly heal, it comes down to one thing: choosing
differently.
Healing the abandoned child is dependent on you choosing differently.
You can't heal if you keep going through the same door.
When all the signs are there, you must learn to acknowledge them.
By doing so, you save yourself a world of pain, and you keep yourself (as well as
your inner child) safe.
To keep yourself safe, you must never choose to keep someone in your life that
serves as a memory of their disrespect towards you.
You must choose yourself first.
So today, tomorrow, and all the days after that....I hope that you remember:
You are enough.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are the brightest star of them all.

An open letter to my inner child
Dear Inner Child,
Thank you for being so strong, and for taking good care of us. You've
done so much for us, but I can take it from here. I'm sorry that I forgot
about you, and you had to go through a lot of scary stuff alone. I'm here
now, and I'm not leaving you this time. You will never be alone. I will
never abandon you. So listen....I've got this, and I'll keep you safe. All
you have to do is play, and be carefree.
You truly are the brightest star of them all.
I love you so much.
xx
About the author
Shireen Olikh, licensed Clinical Psychologist, talks about mental health and
healing in a way that is easy to understand, while diving deep into many topics that
society often shies away from. She has spent most of her professional career
offering psychotherapy to those in need of her time, which led to her becoming the
founder of Illuminated Therapy – a boutique online therapy center. She is the
proud creator of the Life Mastery program which focuses on 10 weeks to transform
one's life.
Based in sunny (and also, rainy) Kuala Lumpur, with her exceptionally happy
rescue dogs, Bella & Benji, Shireen is currently celebrating 6 years of sobriety, and
counting.
To know more about Shireen, please follow her on Instagram

@the_illuminated_psychologist, where you can get daily access to mental health
posts (and the occasional post of Bella & Benji).
HEALING THE
ABANDONED CHILD
A powerful book for healing from the fear of
abandonment.
We've all been there - one day everything in

your life seems fine, and the next you're
experiencing loss. Life has turned sour, love is
lost, and the future seems bleak. You feel that
there is no way out, and that you may never
truly love again.
What would you say if I told you that recovery

is possible?
In Healing The Abandoned Child, clinical

psychologist Shireen Olikh, provides readers
with an outline to discover and heal
abandonment issues, identify self-defeating
behaviors stemming from insecurity and
mistrust, and most importantly - how to heal,
and build self-esteem.
It includes exercises, and reflection areas, that

the author has tested and developed via her
expertise in abandonment recovery.
Guiding you through the stages of healing, this

book embodies strength, and acts as a reminder
that a new you is possible. It all begins with
your decision to start the healing journey.

Healing The Abandoned Child by Shireen Olikh - 230127 - 124553

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Healing The Abandoned Child by Shireen Olikh - 230127 - 124553

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

SHIREEN OLIKH

LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

A book on surviving childhood

All rights reserved.

First printing, 2021 by Lap Soon Sdn Bhd.

Distributed by Illuminated Therapy

I would be nothing without you.

How it all started

This book is all about surviving childhood trauma, and healing.

So here is to healing the abandonment wound....

And most importantly, here is to healing the abandoned child.

Looking at the word trauma itself, it refers to an experience that occurs in an

As a psychologist, I look at my clients through the lens of:

What does it look like in families?

If you're wondering how generational trauma is normally identified in families,

"Pain travels through

Diving deeper into generational trauma

Let’s look at 3 generations of women.

• Step 5 is to show yourself patience and compassion. These patterns have

Words from Shireen

I failed at overcoming my addictions for approximately a decade. I tried so many

The abandoned child

• When parents don't let their children express themselves emotionally.

Let’s talk about your inner child

Before we go any deeper, there are 5 strategies that we must discuss.

5 strategies for the inner child

Terrible at baking cakes? Inner.....nah, that one is probably just on you.

Strategy #2 - Time to revisit childhood memories. When you explore recollections

Space for your reflections

Now let’s get back to those strategies!

(a) How do you feel?

(b) What can I do to make you feel safe?

(c) Do you feel loved?

(d) Are you happy?

Strategy #5 - Talk to a licensed mental health care professional. Reaching out to

A wrap up of these strategies.....

Inner child: abandonment wound

Remember when I mentioned emotional abandonment earlier? From a child's

Abandonment wound 101

Ways the abandonment wound forms

Imagine a child - Adam - at the supermarket. Playing in the aisles, carefree, no

This is how it can start.

Signs of the abandonment wound

You always feel "left out".

You fear people leaving you.

You hate being alone.

You are extremely co-dependent.

You threaten to leave.

You attract emotionally unavailable people.

Signs of the abandonment wound 2.0

"Choosing others over yourself

2. You feel jealous in your relationships or of other people. A person with an

3. You settle in unsatisfactory relationships. Your abandonment wound has you

You may find yourself stuck in an abusive relationship, or putting up with

Other ways the abandonment wound shows up

• You keep feeling unworthy. When you constantly experience abandonment,

"How can you ever trust with 100%

Other ways the abandonment wound shows up

• Important to highlight: you self-sabotage your relationships. On one hand

Something to ponder over

But in a situation where only one person can "win", why

Why do you feel guilty for choosing yourself?

Note: write your reflections on the next page.