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Attachment styles in adulthood

In the 1980s a young couples therapist named Dr. Sue Johnson revolutionized her field of
practice with the development of a new form of therapy she called “Emotionally-Focused
Therapy (EFT)”. Unlike previous forms of couples therapy that focused mainly on
conflict-resolution and achieved mixed-results (i.e., staying objective), Dr. Johnson
reconceptualized couples intimacy as an emotional bond and therefore decided to focus on the
“emotional” aspects (i.e., the subjective). EFT is based on the science of attachment and
prioritizes emotion and emotional regulation.

The following document serves as an introduction to the concepts behind EFT. It will help
romantic partners gain greater understanding of their emotional needs and how to fulfill them.
If you strongly identify with the content of this pamphlet, Dialogue can refer you to EFT-trained
couples therapists. Dialogue couples coaches cannot offer EFT, but they can help you pursue
short-term goals based on its underlying concepts. If you're wondering what your attachment
style is, you can complete the questionnaire at the end of this pamphlet.

Which of these four attachment styles

is yours?
Simply put, attachment is defined as a deep emotional bond between people. The science of
attachment explains why humans can feel insecure and unsafe in the absence of loved ones
even in scenarios where all their basic needs for survival have been met. Attachment styles
refer to the way our brain makes sense of these crucial emotional bonds. Psychologists use
two broad concepts to categorize attachment styles: avoidance of intimacy (i.e., attachment
avoidance) and fear of abandonment (i.e., attachment anxiety). Because of our unique life
experiences, not everyone views relationships in the same way. Some people even change
styles throughout their lives. What matters, however, is that you understand your own needs
based on your attachment styles (and your partner’s).

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 Secure attachment
“I chose my partner because I love her for who she is, and she feels the same about me”

Estimated prevalence globally: 50-60%

Comfort zone: Either (low avoidance, low anxiety)

Greatest strengths: flexibility, listening, care, independence, joyfulness, conflict-resolution,

reliability, consistency, empathy, and trustworthiness

People with secure attachment styles have a natural advantage in interpersonal relationships
because they are not afraid of being close or being alone. This means they can leave unhappy
relationships, avoid unsuitable matches and yet still support their loved ones emotionally and
commit to a life together. They are also very adept at discussing difficult and sensitive topics
with their partners. Out of all the attachment styles, the secure attachment style is the one
most closely associated with couple and life satisfaction. People with a secure attachment
style don’t leave their partner guessing, they work actively to clear any confusion in
interpersonal relationships. Attachment security must therefore be nourished overtime.
Spending too much time in a chaotic relationship or environment can lead to attachment
insecurity.

Challenge: The main challenge of people with a secure attachment style will be to remain the
same, regardless of what life throws at them. When it comes to conflicts, the secure
attachment style is the one most closely associated with the capacity to manage criticism, take
responsibility, apologize, make amends and adopt long-lasting change. Despite this, some

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 people feel that a secure attachment makes relationships “boring”. This is especially true for
people who find enjoyment in the “making-up/breaking-up” dynamic that defines some
relationships. People with a secure attachment style do not have an “aura of mystery” about
them, they do not “play the game”, they are too straight-forward for that. With them, what you
see, is what you get. They also expect their partners to be as honest with them; when
authenticity becomes difficult, attachment security is threatened.

Points to consider: Although, people with a secure attachment style have an edge when it
comes to interpersonal relationships, this does not mean they don’t have points to improve on.
Conflict resolution is an art that can be perfected over time, never assume that because you are
someone with a secure attachment style that you have nothing left to learn.

Inside the mind of a person with a secure attachment style:

- I’m worthy of love and I know I will find someone right for me.
- Even when people are mean to me, I can respectfully address the situation.
- The best way to solve a conflict is to be honest, show good intentions and remind your
partner of how much you care about them.
- I surround myself with people I trust.

Anxious-Ambivalent attachment
“I would do anything for my partner, but I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same about me”

Estimated prevalence globally: 15-20%

Comfort zone: Closeness (high anxiety, low avoidance)

Greatest strengths: Empathy, dedication/loyalty, determination, sensitivity, and a natural

willingness to ask for help and make self-improvements.

Greatest fear - the fear of abandonment: When this fear becomes overwhelming, people with
an anxious-ambivalent attachment style can become distressed and seek greater reassurance,
support and intimacy from their partner. This distress, if not soothed, can lead to excessive
preoccupations/obsessions about the state of the relationship, to the point where some people
can hardly focus on other aspects of their lives (e.g., “I can’t even be productive at work
anymore, all I do is worry about my boyfriend leaving me for his colleague!”).

Over time fears and concerns build leading to the adoption of “protest behaviors” in reaction to
the perceived injustice of not being loved back sufficiently enough. Examples of protest
behaviors include acting out, picking fights, acting hostile/passive-aggressively, trying to make
the partner jealous, blowing up in anger, pretending to be busy, waiting for the other person to
make amends first, threatening to leave and its extreme, using psychological or physical
violence to “punish” the partner.

Challenge: Relying on others is a good strategy since this attachment style responds very
well to emotional support from others. Depending on the partner’s capacity for intimacy,
however, these comfort-seeking behaviours may be interpreted as normal and understandable
or as clingy, intrusive, and self-centered. An important goal for people with an

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 anxious-ambivalent attachment style is to become aware of the need for connection and
express their concerns calmly and clearly.

Points to consider: Because they thrive on intimacy and connection, people of this attachment
style naturally invest significant amounts of energy in all of their relationships. This makes them
highly receptive to EFT and other forms of self-improvement. They are highly motivated to
change to ensure the success of their relationship and with the right help, these changes can be
long lasting. They also tend to make a lot of personal sacrifices and avoid asserting their needs
to avoid disappointing others/being abandoned. This tendency to erase oneself, while giving
everything, only strengthens their concerns for not being “loved-back” the same by the partner.

Inside the mind of a person with an anxious-ambivalent attachment:

- There’s nothing about me he can love, he will leave me and I’ll never find someone else.
- My partner is so amazing, why is she wasting her time with me? She must be planning to
leave me.
- He can’t treat me this way after everything I have done for me, I’ll show him!
- Sometimes I feel resentful/humiliated/unloved/nervous/insecure because I don’t know
what my partner is feeling.

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment
“I take care of myself, my partner can take care of himself”

Estimated prevalence globally: 20-25%

Comfort zone: Autonomy (high avoidance, low anxiety)

Greatest strengths: independence, routine/structure setting, ambition, calm, troubleshooting

(e.g., solution-focused).

Greatest fear - the fear of codependency: People with this attachment style feel most
comfortable when they enjoy significant autonomy mostly because they have a lingering fear of
or disdain for intimacy and interdependence. Dismissive-avoidants often prefer being single
waiting for “the one”. That said, even when they want to be in a relationship with someone, they
report feeling “emotionally numb/absent” at times. They keep a tight lid on their emotions, and
quickly become distraught when their partner expresses theirs. When people turn to them for
help, they prefer focusing on finding solutions; in part, because emotional support is incredibly
energy-consuming for them.

Indeed, people with this attachment style often perceive needing emotional support as a sign of
neediness and a violation of their boundaries. Dismissive-avoidants also tend to look down at
people who seek emotional support and think more highly of themselves for not being “that
type of person”. This dynamic sometimes leads to them feeling misunderstood. They can care
deeply for others, but they are not always aware of their discomfort with intimacy (e.g., feeling
the urge to push someone out, without knowing why) which makes it difficult for them to initiate
meaningful changes.

Challenge: Setting boundaries with others is a good strategy to avoid feeling emotionally

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 overwhelmed. Not everyone can be a therapist to their partner and recognizing that is
important. The problem comes when dismissive-avoidants insist on “boundaries” that result in
them curtailing nearly all of their partner’s emotional needs. Indeed, when dismissive-avoidants
feel overwhelmed by their partner’s emotions, they tend to react impulsively using strategies
such as gaslighting, judging, ignoring, acting defensively and becoming numb, which only
aggravates their partner’s distress. Their main challenge will be to take ownership for their own
fears and proactively and earnestly negotiate ways for their needs to be met.

Points to consider: Dismissive-avoidants have this underlying belief that there is no point in
investing too much in relationships because sooner or later it will result in them feeling trapped.
It is difficult for these people to picture themselves happy and fulfilled while also being in a
committed relationship with someone else. As a result, they tend to approach their partner in
“damage control mode” to avoid causing waves. When faced with a person in crisis, they can
become frozen emotionally, and often have a hard time verbalizing their thoughts.

Inside the mind of a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style:

- Oh, she’s crying over this? I can’t believe how needy she is!
- I’m happy I can disconnect whenever I need to, some people just won’t stop talking.
- My girlfriend wants more quality time with me, I feel suffocated in this relationship.
- He clearly did that so I would be stuck spending the night over, it’s always about what he
wants.

Fearful-Avoidant attachment
“I want to be happy with someone, but I’m just going to get hurt regardless”

Estimated prevalence globally: 1-5%

Comfort zone: Achievable with a secure partner (high avoidance, high anxiety)

Greatest strengths: resilience, hardiness, hard-work, courage, and adaptability.

Greatest fear - the fear of getting hurt: The fearful-avoidant attachment style is often, but not
always, associated with interpersonal trauma (manipulation, psychological and physical
violence, betrayal, bullying, etc.). People with this attachment style are uncomfortable with
intimacy (high avoidance) while also being afraid of abandonment (high anxiety). This
unpredictable inner tension makes it difficult for fearful-avoidants to truly understand
themselves and plan ahead. Some fearful-avoidants seem to gravitate towards people who
eventually will hurt them, which reinforces their fears. Others break off relationships the
moment they feel loved or cared for, which eventually leads to self-doubt and sometimes
self-hatred.

Challenge: Interpersonal relationships are complicated, it is perfectly normal to be hesitant

when wanting to approach someone. The main challenge will be to move from “survival mode”
to “self-compassion mode”. Fearful-avoidants tend to have a negative view of themselves and
others around them. This dynamic often leads to high levels of distress that is then
compounded by their inability to receive comfort. When distressed, fearful-avoidants can
sometimes attribute the wrong motives to their loved ones, reacting in ways that are hard for
others to understand. Once they become aware of their needs, however, fearful-avoidants often

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 react well to the calming yet authentic presence of people with a secure attachment style.
People who are patient, kind, honest and consistent act as the perfect counter-argument for the
fearful-avoidant’s core beliefs.

Points to consider: With a secure partner, it is possible for fearful-avoidant to respond well to
couple coaching. However, in many cases, it is better to opt for a more long-term approach.
This often means couple counselling, such as EFT or Developmental Couple Therapy for
Complex Trauma. For fearful-avoidants, it is worth also remembering the words of chinese
philosopher Lao Tzu “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone
deeply gives you courage”.

Inside the mind of a person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style:

- I will never be loved because I am unlovable.

- Why does everyone keep turning against me eventually?
- People are evil, I can’t trust anybody.
- This person doesn’t look so mean, but if I get close, she will see me for who I really am!
- I can’t take this, I’m out!
- I can’t imagine a future where someone will always be there for me.

Attachment Quiz
To discover your attachment style, you can visit this website to complete a
scientifically-validated questionnaire: https://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

When to contact a health professional

- If both you and your partner have an insecure attachment style and
conflicts and dissatisfaction in your relationship have been increasing,
consulting with an EFT-trained psychotherapist could be a wise decision.
- Even if you are single, if you see unhealthy or suboptimal patterns in your
love life in general, consulting with an EFT-trained psychotherapist could
be a wise decision.

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 If you, or someone in your family, has
a plan for dying by suicide or ending
someone else’s life, contact emergency
services.

References list

McAllister, J. (2018). Avoidant Attachment, Part 1: The Dependence Dilemma. Retrieved from:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-1-dependence-dilemma-0201184

McAllister, J. (2018). Avoidant Attachment, Part 2: The Downside of Preservation. Retrieved from:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-2-downside-of-preservation
-0201185

Levine, A., & Heller, R.S.F. (2010). Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can
help you find-and keep-love.Tarcher: Penguin.

Johnson, S. (2013). Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Little,
Brown Spark.

Johnson, S. (2011). Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building
Loving Relationships. Piatkus Books

Savvy Wu, J., (2020). Which of These Four Attachment Styles Is Yours?
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/

Tatkin, S., (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style
Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications

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