The Telegraph Magazine - 22 October 2022

takes it all
in her stride
From Strictly
Helen Skelton
to solo parenting,
22 OCTOBER 2022
Document: 1001CC-DTMTM-1-221022-A001C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 17.Oct 2022 17:52:41; Telegraph

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REGULARS FEATURE S
M Y S AT U R D AY How Strictly’s Helen
Bach, black tea and Skelton is finding her
backing Leyton Orient feet after a difficult year
J U L I A N L L OY D W E B B E R B RYO N Y G O R D O N
P. 7 P. 8
AGON Y UNCLE Three years on from

Solving your problems Newsnight, what is life
RICHARD MADELEY like for Prince Andrew?
P. 6 9 CAMILLA TOMINEY
P. 1 8
ON THE COVER: HELEN SKELTON, PHOTOGRAPHED BY SUZIE HOWELL. SKELTON WEARS: JUMPSUIT, E.L.V. DENIM (ELVDENIM.COM). THIS PAGE: JAMES APPLETON
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INTERVIEW BY LARA KILNER MIKE LAWN/SHUTTERSTOCK CAN NGUYEN/SHUTTERSTOCK GETTY IMAGES

Julian Lloyd Webber

My Saturday
11am I do some work. It hit me to do with Jack Grealish. I’ve

hard when I had to stop playing followed Orient since I was 11.
cello in 2014 [a herniated disc in It’s painful being a fan most of
his neck reduced the power in the time.
his bowing arm], but what kept
me going was contact 5pm Jasmine goes for
with young musicians a sleepover, and my
as [then] principal of wife and I watch things
the Birmingham Con- we couldn’t with an
servatoire. During the 11-year-old. I loved
pandemic, it was a prob- Squid Game, and we’re now on
lem for musicians starting out The Flight Attendant.
because suddenly they didn’t
have concerts, so now I help 7pm Apart from scrambled eggs,
them get exposure on the radio I don’t cook, but my wife makes
The broadcaster and with the ‘30 Under 30’ Rising wonderful Chinese food. When I
former cellist, 71, on loving Stars list [Classic FM’s Rising was performing, I’d eat at 11pm,
Leyton Orient, and anxiety Stars with Julian Lloyd Webber which isn’t very good for you.
dreams about concertos is on Sky Arts on 17 November].
8pm We head out with friends
6am I like to be an early riser.
INTERVIEW BY LARA KILNER. MIKE LAWN/SHUTTERSTOCK, CAN NGUYEN/SHUTTERSTOCK, GETTY IMAGES
1pm I collect Jasmine from class. to a concert. My wife still

At this time, the sky is usually She learnt to play the cello, but performs. I’ll introduce her
absolutely beautiful. she’s more interested in dance playing Bach’s cello suites
and acting. I don’t have my own and give the background;
8am I eat granola and drink lap- cello any more. I played at popular now, for 200
sang souchong. No milk. I love home for a year after I had to years after they were
that burnt, bitter flavour. stop professionally, then I composed, they were
thought, ‘Why am I doing unknown.
9am My daughter Jasmine, this? I can’t come back.’
who is 11, is into musical 11pm I read in bed – right
theatre – I can’t imagine 2pm We go across Lon- now it’s ex Labour MP Alan
where she got that from – don to watch Leyton Ori- Johnson’s novel The Late Train
so my wife Jiaxin takes her ent. Jasmine – her middle to Gipsy Hill. I’m not a sound
on the Tube to performing name is Orienta, after the sleeper; I have dreams about
arts school. I’ll go for coffee
coffee club – enjoys it, though she performing a concerto I haven’t
at my favourite café near supports Manchester City. been practising. It’s so nice to
South Kensington station. I think it’s got something wake up and realise it isn’t true.
2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2 THE TELEGR APH MAGA ZINE 7
After the very public breakdown of her

marriage, ex-Blue Peter presenter,
Countryfile frontwoman and mother of
three Helen Skelton is attempting to
cha-cha-cha her way up the leaderboard
on Strictly Come Dancing. How does
the woman who once kayaked solo
down the Amazon and cycled to the
South Pole cope with tearing up the
world’s most famous dance floor while
rebuilding her family life?
‘I’m not going

to worry about
the one thing
I haven’t got’ Words by Photographs by Styling by
BRYON Y G OR D ON SUZ I E HOW EL L GR ACE W R IGH T
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T ‘Not only is my glass half full…
here’s no shortage of people who want Helen
Skelton to know that they feel sorry for her. It is,

after all, barely six months since the very sud-
den, very public breakdown of her marriage to
the rugby player Richie Myler, the father of her
three children, the youngest of whom was only four months
I’ve got loads to be thankful for’
old when Myler left the family home. But after just a few
moments in the TV presenter’s company, I begin to realise
that to feel sorry for Helen Skelton is to somehow miss the
point of her.
Here she is, not long after 7am on a Friday morning,
bounding into a café in west London with all the enthusiasm
you might expect of a former Blue Peter presenter who once
kayaked solo down the Amazon, and cycled to the South
Pole. There is not a trace of self pity evident on her fresh indeed ‘blessing’, depending on your marital status), which
and fearless face, which has travelled here by motorbike, seems to affect at least one couple a year. Is this one of the
because… well, why not? Skelton is, after all, the kind of per- reasons she signed up for the show, I ask, like the awful
son who agreed to run the 78-mile Namibian ultra marathon journalist I am? She rolls her eyes. ‘It’s not really on my
in 2009, a feat so gruelling that she became only the second radar, no,’ she says, with good humour. ‘People keep saying’
woman in history to complete it. In comparison, most things – and here her voice drops to a pantomime whisper –
are a doddle. The 39-year-old dumps her stuff at the table, ‘“you’ll find someone wonderful!” And I’m like, “I’ve got
three wonderful beings.”’
She’s referring to her children, of
course. They all live on her parents’
farm, moving to Cumbria from
Leeds after the break-up of the mar-
riage. Anyway, she’s got enough on
her hands without shacking up with
her dance partner. ‘I saw a friend
yesterday, she’s really successful, a
doctor, she’s just bought a house in
London, and she said to me, “I really
love my life, why am I going to bring
any drama into it with a man?” She
was seeing this bloke, he started
messing her about, and I thought,
yeah. We’re conditioned to think…’
She loses her thread, but it’s not
hard to see what she is trying to say:
she doesn’t need a man right now,
thank you very much. ‘I think if
you’ve learnt anything about me in
this conversation, it’s that not only
is my glass half full, but I’ve actually
got a glass. I’ve got loads to be thank-
ful for. I’m not going to worry about
the one thing I haven’t got.’
She will not be drawn on the
particulars of Myler’s recent social
media posts with a new girlfriend,
or reports that he is now expecting a
baby with her, out of respect for all
PALMER//HARDING: PALMERHARDING.COM. RAEY: MATCHESFASHION.COM
involved. She has learnt that ‘you

cannot have any opinion on anyone
else’s life until you’ve walked in
those shoes. And my family are
happy, my kids are happy, and that’s
all ultimately that matters.’
Skelton initially didn’t think it
would be a good idea to do Strictly,
has a quick FaceTime with her kids – Ernie, seven, Louis,
five and Elsie, now nine months old, who are back home in
Cumbria with their grandparents – and proceeds to order
two lattes in quick succession. After our interview, she has
a brief appearance on Lorraine, and then it’s dress rehearsal
time for that weekend’s Strictly Come Dancing.
Ah yes, Strictly. She has been partnered with Gorka
Márquez, and already the tabloids are salivating over the
prospect of her falling prey to the infamous Strictly Curse (or Previous page: shirt and trousers, Palmer//Harding. Above: suit, Raey at Matches Fashion

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Dancing the American smooth with Gorka Márquez during the first live show of Strictly 2022 off again for a second. ‘I’m an adult who has lost people
who have gone too soon, so I don’t take any of it for granted.’

She is talking about the death of not one but two of her
cousins. ‘My family are that sort of Cumbrian stoic, stiff
upper lip, and if I sat here and talked about it they wouldn’t
like it. But it’s a fact, I lost a cousin to breast cancer and I lost
a cousin in an accident, and I’m a family person. I had that
kind of childhood where I spent summer holidays with all
my cousins. And it’s shit, there’s no two ways about it. But if
anything, it’s a reminder. Should I
be sitting at home in my bedroom
crying about what I haven’t got? No!’
She almost jumps out of her chair.
‘I’ve got f—king loads! I’m on the
best, most fun show on telly with
loads of my mates, my kids are happy
and healthy, my parents are knack-
ered but they’re great, they’re loving
it. This job is full-on and unpredicta-
ble, but you’ve got to take the good
bits and make them [really] good.’
Perhaps it shouldn’t be a surprise
that Skelton is able to take in her
stride the twin demands of divorce
and dancing on the biggest show on
TV. She is a woman for whom the
phrase northern grit was surely
invented, growing up on a dairy
farm on the edge of the Lake Dis-
trict, and training in journalism just
to add a bit more hardness into the
mix. When I ask the Countryfile pre-
senter what it’s like to be living back
on the farm where she grew up, her
what with all the distraction of her personal life this year. face goes all dreamy, as if her estranged husband might have
‘I was talking to my best friend about it and I was like, “I’m done her a favour by leaving.
not sure, there’s the kids and the press and it will be full-on.” ‘You know how they say it takes a village? Well I am liter-
And she just went, “What a tit! You’re going to get paid to ally in my childhood Cumbrian village with all my school
dance around with a fit guy, people are going to put make- friends, and so everyone just kind of mucks in together.’ I ask
up on you, and you’ve got to work. It’s not real life, is it? her if there is strength in realising you are being held through
Why wouldn’t you do it?”’ your most difficult moments, in seeing the power of love that
In the end, she agreed so that she could end the year on a is not just romantic. ‘One hundred per cent,’ she smiles. ‘I
positive note. ‘I think it would have been disrespectful for think you don’t realise who your mates are and how much
me to have not done Strictly. For my family, who need to see family you’ve got – and I didn’t. It’s little things like, my kids
me have a great time. It’s not just for me. When you’ve got have ended up going to a school with one of my friend’s kids,
kids, if they’re happy, you’re happy. My kid scored a hat- and we all help each other out. So when people say, “Oh you’ve
trick this week, and I was like, “Oh my God!”’ A smile erupts taken on Strictly, but it’s really full-on,” actually this is, touch
across her face. ‘And then I thought, “Oh, I do that to my wood, so far the easiest parenting chapter of my life, because
mum and dad.” You don’t get it until you’ve got your own I’ve got other people involved. My social circles have always
kids, do you? It gives you a different perspective.’ been very transient because we’ve moved around for rugby.
I tell her she doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who People are there for a couple of years, and then they’re gone. I
likes to play the victim. She shakes her head. ‘There’s loads moved to France when my first child was one month old.
of stuff to ask me about that’s really interesting, that’s not I lived next to the Mediterranean and drank cheap wine all the
“Ohhh, poor you”. I don’t see myself as a victim, no, because time. I had a lovely time, but it was just a different experience.’
I mean, look…’ She pauses to find her words. ‘There are a lot We talk a bit about life back on the farm. ‘I can get up in
of people who have been in my situation who haven’t been
given the opportunities that I’ve got.’
She is not playing at being a Pollyanna. ‘Don’t get me
wrong, I have my days when I’m pissed off.’ As if to prove
this, she stabs her fork into a plate of eggs, toast and avo-
cado. ‘But equally, in this job, you’re in a lot of people’s lives,
which gives you a phenomenal amount of perspective.
When I first started Blue Peter, my working life was going
to India and filming kids having facial surgery; kids who
‘Strictly is tits, teeth and tinsel.

had never left their home. We used to do a lot of Children in
Need and you’d go and interview kids whose parents
BBC PICTURES
had agoraphobia or schizophrenia. I think mine is a job

that gives you lots of perspective, so it’s very difficult to say
“woe is me”. And also, I’m not, I don’t…’ Her voice trails You can’t resist it’
my pyjamas, pull my boots on, pull my dad’s coat on, walk Below: with ex-husband Richie Myler in 2016; kayaking down the Amazon for Sport Relief in 2010
across the fields with the dog and what a joyous way to start

the day.’ In true Countryfile style, she starts to tell me about
her parents’ diversification from farming. ‘They don’t farm
any more. My dad sells bull semen. It’s a great ice breaker.
He’s got a massive cooling tower of bull semen. Someone
came to look at the outbuildings and he asked what’s in the
cooling tower? And my mum went, “Oh, that’s where my
husband stores his semen”, and then just carried on. The
bloke goes, “Wow, he must be a wonderful man!”’ Skelton oldest about this. I’m like, “Babe, as someone who worked in
erupts in laughter. ‘But it just went over her head. It just kids’ TV for such a long time, don’t offend me by watching a
doesn’t register with her.’ kid open a Kinder egg. Like, this is so disrespectful.”’
Skelton has always had a sense of adventure. As a child, While kids’ TV may have moved on, there is still a con-
she dreamed of being a camerawoman, so she could go off certed effort by the media to turn the former Blue Peter pre-
around the world filming volcanos erupting. When she com- senter into a sex symbol. Much was made of her ‘revealing’
pleted her journalism degree at the Cumbria Institute of the outfit choices when presenting from the Rio Olympics for
Arts, she began working in local radio, but it wasn’t long the BBC, and now the Strictly judges are urging her to sex
before she was putting in shifts at Newsround, and from things up. ‘I’m not sexy,’ she told Claudia Winkleman on
there it was only a hop, skip and a somersault to Blue Peter. week two, after the judge’s comments about her cha-cha-
‘I said no at first, I didn’t want to do it,’ she tells me now. ‘I cha. ‘I’m functional, I’m efficient.’
thought they might make me sing and dance.’ She laughs at She would not want to predict her lifespan on Strictly, and
the irony that she is now on Strictly. Anyway, the audition is very much a ‘take each day as it comes’ kind of woman.
involved an assault course. ‘I totally misjudged it, because She’s quite happy to just be carried along by its energy. ‘With
being the competitive tit that I am, I hammered the assault Strictly, you get swept up in everybody else’s passion. The
course. Every time they tried to ask me a question, I was make-up people, the hair people, even the tan people,
like, “Guys, I’m in the middle of something here, I’m trying they’re the best of the best. Everyone hugs.’ She tells me she
to swing across with a rope.” When I got to the end they said, prefers a pat on the back, which she says is affectionate for a
“No, the point is you’re supposed to present when you do northerner. ‘When Strictly is on the telly, it’s joy, isn’t it? It’s
it.”’ But the bosses obviously saw in her the determination old-school joy. It’s tits, teeth and tinsel. You can’t resist it.’
that is so evident now, and she was offered the job in 2008. She says her favourite thing has been the spray tans. ‘They
She was there for seven years, at a time when Blue Peter say, “What do you want? Venetian plaster or coffee mocha?”
was almost as important to the BBC as Strictly is now. ‘I never There’s a whole colour chart.’
HAIR AND MAKE-UP BY MELISSA BOURNE USING GHD, LIVING PROOF, MURAD SKINCARE AND NARS COSMETICS. GETTY IMAGES, COMIC RELIEF/GETTY IMAGES
took a day off because I didn’t want to. There would always be She tells me about tripping over her dress during rehearsals
something you didn’t want to miss.’ She had tea with Queen for the first live show. While all the other contestants were sent
Elizabeth on three separate occasions – such were the doors to clap on the sidelines, Skelton was rushed off to wardrobe,
where her costume was frantically
made shorter before her American
smooth. ‘There were four fabulous
women remaking my dress while we
were live on air. I’m nearly 40. I’ve got
three kids. I’m stood there in my
underwear as they stitched the dress
and pulled my boobs into it. Then I do
the dance, and the judges are like
“You need to own it!”’ She shakes her
head, rolls her eyes. ‘I was like, “Guys,
I am owning it for me. First of all, I’m
here, dancing on national television.
Secondly, 30 seconds ago I had four
women manhandling me into a dress
that was being stitched around me.”’
She smiles, begins to laugh. ‘This is
me owning it. I am owning it.’
Read Helen Skelton’s Strictly diary
each week in The Telegraph
that a Blue Peter badge would open. ‘Whoever invented that
badge is a genius. It was such a good idea because it made it a
club. Anyone can phone up a show and vote. But it takes a lot
of effort for a kid to draw a picture, go to the post office, post
it. And I think the badge is sort of testament to all of that.’
As a mother herself now, she feels nostalgic for what Blue
Peter represents. ‘It was everything that people tell kids to
strive for now. It’s about telling them to be independent, it’s
about recycling, it’s about making things, it’s about sustaina-
‘My job gives me perspective.

bility, all the stuff that’s trendy now but used to be geeky.
And I feel sorry for the show in that they’ve kind of lost their
presence a little bit. Not sorry, but I guess it’s just a sign of
changing times. My kids don’t watch any live TV. They watch
everything on YouTube. I always have big chats with my It’s difficult to say “woe is me”’
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17
Words by
CAMILLA TOMINEY
The prince
who was
left out
in the cold Three years on from that
Newsnight interview, Queen
Elizabeth II’s once-favourite
son is a virtual recluse. Besides
binge-watching box sets,
buying new Bentleys and
playing golf with his lawyer,
what does Prince Andrew do
with his days? And does he
really believe he can make the
mother of all comebacks?
Opposite: the Duke of York at Windsor Castle on the day of the late Queen’s funeral

2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2
19
H
in Woking that evening. He also claimed that he had been
unable to sweat and proudly insisted he didn’t regret his

friendship with ‘useful’ Epstein.
The Duke was pleased with his performance, giving Mait-
lis and her crew a tour of Buckingham Palace afterwards.
Ignoring the advice of media advisor Jason Stein, who
now works for the Prime Minister, Andrew was convinced
the televised tête-à-tête would ‘draw a line’ under accusa-
aving become an enthusiastic binge- tions levelled at him. But in raising more questions than it
watcher of TV box sets since his spectacular fall from grace, answered, the pompous outpouring instead caused the life
the Duke of York may well have caught the trailer for the suc- of the so-called ‘Playboy Prince’ to unravel completely;
cinctly titled Prince Andrew: Banished. Stein left before the interview had even taken place, and
The documentary, by US network NBC, which began former banker Amanda Thirsk was sacked as the Duke’s
streaming earlier this month – less than a month after the private secretary and ‘gatekeeper’ soon after it.
death of Queen Elizabeth II – is the latest attempt to lift the It has since emerged that the only person in Andrew’s
veil on the life of the man one contributor describes as the closest circle to foresee disaster was his eldest daughter,
‘runt’ of the Windsor litter. Variously labelling him as Princess Beatrice, 34. ‘Bea warned that it was all a very bad
‘pathetic’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘spoiled’, ‘holier than thou’ and ‘an idea, but unfortunately no one listened to her,’ confirms
idiot’, the 80-minute film pulls no punches in ‘telling the a well-placed source.
story of how, through arrogance and lust, Prince Andrew’s The interview sparked a public-relations crisis of the
scandals and his friendship with sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein kind the Palace had not witnessed since the death of Diana,
nearly sank the British monarchy’. Princess of Wales. A statement was released days after it
Heckled last month as he walked behind his late mother’s aired announcing that Andrew was stepping back from
coffin along Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, it seems any sympathy public duties ‘for the foreseeable future’. The decision,
the 62-year-old may have garnered from his dwindling made with the consent of the late Queen, was accompanied
number of supporters since his car-crash Newsnight inter- by the insistence that the Duke did, in fact, sympathise with
view, which aired almost exactly three years ago, has all but Epstein’s victims.
run out. And with filming due to start next month on Scoop, A week in it was confirmed that he would ‘stand back’ from
a new Peter Moffat drama about the preparations for the all 230 of his patronages, though he expressed a wish to have
interview (and the event itself), the ghost of that excruciat- some sort of public role at some future time. But having spent
ing sit-down with Emily Maitlis continues to haunt him, three years castigated as what one friend describes as ‘the
despite – possibly in the hope of sparing the Royal family archetypal pantomime villain’, with little hope of royal
further embarrassment – reaching a multimillion-pound
out-of-court settlement with his accuser Virginia Giuffre,
The King redemption, he has had no choice but to rethink his future.
‘He acknowledges privately that Newsnight was by no
whose claims he has always denied. and the means his finest hour,’ adds the friend. ‘What he’s also come
With his beloved mother no longer there for support, to realise are the pitfalls of living in an Edwardian court
just where does the Duke, once described as her ‘favourite Prince of where there’s very little pushback, it’s all, “Yes sir, no sir,
son’, go from here?
Although not quite a ‘changed man’, allies describe the Wales see three bags full, sir.”’
Referring to his ‘low-key’ conduct during Queen Eliza-
father of two as ‘sanguine’ following three years of ‘intense
self-reflection’. While refusing to confirm rumours he has
no future beth’s funeral, the friend suggests the once-prominent royal
has finally resigned himself to playing a ‘backseat’ role. ‘All
submitted himself to counselling and psychotherapy, they
make no secret of the fact he has spent a great deal of time
for him in he wants to do is make things as smooth as possible in stark
contrast to days gone by. Acting as that supportive brother
poring over ‘every aspect of his life’ to help better understand ‘The Firm’ figure, absolutely in the background but for the benefit of the
PREVIOUS PAGE: GLYN KIRK/GETTY IMAGES. THIS PAGE: GETTY IMAGES, CAMERA PRESS/MARK HARRISON
where everything went so catastrophically wrong – and why.

According to an insider: ‘He has a much better understand-
ing of the challenges he faces than at any other point in his
life. He has a better sense of perspective – partly because he’s
had these three years to reflect – to do the work, and to focus
on his immediate family. The Duke of York of today is much
more thoughtful and more mindful than he has ever been.’
The positive picture painted by (albeit supportive) sources
could not be further removed from the over-entitled and
arrogant royal who appeared on Newsnight on 16 November
2019 – three months after Epstein died in a prison cell – dis-
playing a complete lack of regard for Epstein’s victims. The
58-minute prime-time appearance sparked a mixture of
bafflement and ridicule after he suggested Giuffre could not
have been telling the truth about them having sex at
Epstein’s fellow sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell’s house in
Belgravia on 10 March 2001 because he was at Pizza Express
Right: the Duke and Duchess of York with their daughters,

Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, in 1996

Below: King Charles, the Princess Royal, the Duke of York and the Earl of Wessex stand behind the late Queen’s coffin as it is carried
to Westminster Abbey for her state funeral; Prince Andrew’s now-infamous 2019 Newsnight interview with Emily Maitlis
monarchy as a whole, is a future template for how he feels he

can make some sort of contribution. Rather than being a dis-
traction, he wants to become a stabilising influence and
sounding board within the family on a very private basis.
‘Before all this happened there was a pretty widespread
view that he was a difficult man to love. One of the main
criticisms was that he ignored advice. But since Newsnight,
he’s listened to the people who have been telling him to
keep his head down and that’s what he’s done.’
Yet has the advice he’s so enthusiastically heeded been
a help or a hindrance?
With Buckingham Palace having distanced itself from
the Duke since he stepped back from public duties, he has
been reliant on a tight-knit group of external advisers
including public-relations experts Mark Gallagher and
Lucy Goodwin, and his lawyer Gary Bloxsome.
Yet rumours abound that a chasm appears to have emerged
between Bloxsome, nicknamed ‘Good News Gary’, and the
PRs who strongly advised against the solicitor’s ‘do nothing,
say nothing’ approach. The strategy was likely always to have
been to reach a legal resolution before even attempting to
rehabilitate the Duke’s reputation. But there are fears that
Bloxsome – who has grown so close to Andrew that they have
been known to play golf together at Swinley Forest private
members’ club, near his old home, Sunninghill Park, in Ascot
– is reticent to tell the Duke what he needs to hear.
A proposal has been put to the Duke that would see him
live out the rest of his years doing something that would give
him personal fulfilment, as well as being impactful and res-
onant. It would provide a path that his family and probably
even the public would accept – if only he could let go of the
foolish hope of things going back to the way they were.
Although allies describe him as being on ‘better terms
with his brother and nephew than people might think’, it is no
secret that the King and the Prince of Wales see no future for
the eighth in line to the throne inside ‘The Firm’. They were
the ones who encouraged the late Queen to strip her third-
born child of his military affiliations and royal patronages, as
well as use of the ‘His Royal Highness’ title, in January.
And while they agreed to Her Majesty helping to pay his
legal bills, including the Giuffre settlement, which was
closer to £8 million than the £12 million widely reported
when the agreement was reached in February, it was the new
monarch and his heir who made their ‘dismay’ clear when
the Duke of York took a much more noticeable role than
planned at the Duke of Edinburgh’s memorial service the fol-
lowing month, escorting his mother to her seat in Westmin-
ster Abbey. They also banned him from wearing military
uniform at Prince Philip’s funeral, although a reprieve was
given when he attended the children’s vigil by Queen Eliza-
beth’s coffin as it lay in state at Westminster Hall.
Bar the heckling, however, it was the Duke of Sussex who
proved the bigger distraction during the mourning period.
‘There has been no attempt to slip back above the radar in
the media,’ an ally points out.
Where does that leave him?
Since Newsnight, the man once dubbed ‘Air Miles Andy’
has effectively been grounded; one contact describes him
as having ‘been in his own form of lockdown for the past
three years’. He lives with his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson, the
Duchess of York, at Royal Lodge, their 30-room home in

22
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Windsor Great Park, but is now a virtual recluse, only ven-
turing out to go horse-riding on the Windsor estate twice a

week, or for the occasional swim. Before her death, he vis-
ited his mother almost daily, sometimes with the Duchess,
63. Andrew and Sarah are now taking care of the royal cor-
gis, Muick and Sandy, along with their five Norfolk terriers.
Occasionally the Yorks can be spotted walking the dogs,
but as an observer noted, ‘These days, he barely goes out at
all. He rarely goes out socially in the evening – where would
he go? The only times he used to go out were to visit the
Queen at the castle and now he can’t even do that.’
‘He had a genuinely amazing relationship with his
mother,’ adds another source. ‘He’s bereft right now.’
Having splashed out on a new £220,000 Bentley Flying
Spur (which he had sprayed racing green because he didn’t
like the original colour), and with the Duchess having
recently purchased a £5 million mews house in Mayfair,
many have questioned how ‘jobless’ Andrew funds his and ‘He rarely means they don’t need to go looking for funding elsewhere
which has landed them in trouble in the past.’
Fergie’s pseudo-royal lifestyle. Although the pair do some-
times cook for themselves, they retain a chef and a house- goes out It is not thought the Duke is currently undertaking any
outside work – even under a pseudonym – after charitable
keeper, as well as personal assistants and other staff.
He does not receive any taxpayer funding – unless you
in the and other interests, including his Dragons’ Den-style
Pitch@Palace initiative, were wound down.
count his bodyguards. Surveillance was stepped up last
December after a woman hammered on his car window as he
evening Princess Beatrice and his younger daughter, Princess Eug-
enie, 32, are regular visitors to Royal Lodge. The Duchess has
drove through Windsor Great Park. Since his Royal Navy – where grown so close to Beatrice’s husband Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi
pension appears to pay him £20,000 a year, he likely lives on
the proceeds of the £15 million purchase of Sunninghill by would and Eugenie’s husband Jack Brooksbank that she refers to
them simply as her ‘sons’. The one consolation of the Duke’s
a Kazakh billionaire in 2007 – and the sale of the Yorks’ £18
million chalet in the Swiss Alps (there is apparently one legal
he go?’ quieter life is that he can spend time with his grandchildren,
Beatrice’s daughter Sienna and Eugenie’s son August, both
query outstanding on the transaction, following an earlier one. ‘He has taken to it like a duck to water because he’s been
row over an alleged £6.6 million debt). such a close dad to his daughters,’ says one friend. ‘There’s
Despite having previously been on the brink of bank- been a lot of criticism of the Yorks but they’ve done a really
ruptcy, the Duchess is now financially stable. She has a lucra- good job as parents; Bea and Eug are genuinely lovely girls.’
tive book deal with Mills & Boon; and she has also set up a Despite rumours that the Yorks will one day remarry,
charity, Sarah’s Trust, ‘for the forgotten women, children, friends insist that their relationship remains purely platonic,
families and communities around the world’ – it is thought with one pointing out that ‘Sarah would not want to be
the Duke has been helping in the background. During the dragged into the politics of the Royal household’. Another
first lockdown, he was photographed helping the Duchess to source adds, ‘They have separate bedrooms, nothing has
pack cupcakes for hospice workers, but was criticised for try- changed on that score, but, as the Duchess always puts it,
ing to ‘hijack’ the Covid crisis to restore his public image. they remain the happiest divorced couple in the world.’
The worth of Sarah’s business interests is now thought to So far, so cosy, but the Duke and his team are mindful that
be ‘in the low millions’, which suggests she could be finan- Virginia Giuffre could speak up again – having only been
cially supporting her ex-husband. Might Queen Elizabeth tied into what is thought to be a one-year gagging clause.
also have added to their coffers before she died? According to Andrew’s allies maintain that he was brought down by
one source, ‘She remained convinced of Andrew’s innocence what was essentially a ‘tangential’ relationship with Epstein,
to the very end so she would have looked after him. Keeping a man he met fewer than 10 times (this has been disputed).
them financially secure actually protects the institution – it Yet he was close enough to invite Epstein and Maxwell to
Windsor Castle, Balmoral and Sandringham – and to visit the
criminal financier’s New York mansion after he had been
convicted of procuring a child for prostitution.
The Duke may not have been found guilty in a court of
law – and he has always denied that he sexually abused
Giuffre or was a co-conspirator of Epstein – but his lack of
judgement has seen him tried in the court of public opin-
ion. And the verdict is that there is no way back.
Curiously, while those around him remain angry he has
been ‘thrown under a bus’, the Duke himself appears phil-
osophical. ‘He’s not really an animosity kind of fella,’ insists
TIM GRAHAM PHOTO LIBRARY VIA GETTY IMAGES
one close associate. ‘The feeling that he has been treated

abysmally is held by his nearest and dearest, but the Duke’s
attitude is more along the lines of: “It is what it is.”’
Left: with his mother in 1973. Above: with Virginia Giuffre

and Ghislaine Maxwell, 2001

24
Words by
MELISSA TWIGG
took over
the world
How fleece
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Created as thermal wear for hikers
and adventurers, the fleece has
been embraced over the years by
super-rich tech bros, fashion
brands and supermarket workers
alike. As we prepare for a winter
lowering our thermostats, the
polyester wonder is about to enjoy
its most influential moment so far

T ‘If you wear layers
he rain is not so much horizontal
as gravity-defying, thundering

down from the leaden Cornish
skies, swirling across the beach, bounc-
ing off boulders and flying right up my
nose. We are outside because – unfath-
omably – we are going for a swim; our over the top, you’ve
essentially got this
one concession to the weather is swap-
ping 10ft waves for a tidal pool accessi-
ble only via twist-your-ankle rocks.
I don’t regularly conduct interviews
thick, warm air

while shivering in a swimsuit but being
incredibly cold is one way to put ther-
mal wear to the test. I’m in St Agnes in
Cornwall to meet Tom Kay, the 47-year-
old founder of Finisterre, a hearty
outdoor clothing brand that’s often
described as Britain’s answer to Patago- sponge, keeping you
incredibly snug’
nia. Kay, like Patagonia’s American
founder Yvon Chouinard, began his
business selling an item of clothing
ubiquitous today: the polyester fleece.
So when he launched Finisterre in now. Fleeces, which have been around

2003 it was with just one product: a for almost half a decade, once had pow-
two-layer fleece with a waterproof erful middle-aged geography teacher
exterior and an inner layer that both connotations, but today the garment
warmed and dried the skin. ‘It doesn’t is anything but dull. Vogue has called it
sound particularly revolutionary now,’ ‘sexy’ (mostly because model Hailey
says Kay, raising his voice as the wind Bieber wears her North Face fleece as a
whistles around us. ‘But it was wind- crop top) and labels like Maison Margiela
proof, waterproof, breathable, incredi- and Kim Kardashian’s Skims have
bly warm, and pretty much bomb-proof. released a variety of fleece jackets. Last
It weighed a ton, but had two layers of year, Gucci teamed up with The North
polar fleece, like a sandwich, with its Face to make the sort of block-print
protective barrier inside.’ fleeces that would have got you bullied
That first fleece jacket sold in its at school back in the day (£1,660 apiece).
thousands and 19 years later Finisterre But a moment of fashionability is the
has swelled to a team of 128. Many of least interesting thing about the fleece
that staff meet once a week for a pre- right now. As the energy crisis deepens,
work swim here, near their Cornish this unremarkable zippered jacket has
headquarters. To my surprise, I enjoyed become a political and social symbol; a
PREVIOUS PAGE: ALAMY, COURTESY OF PANGAIA. THIS PAGE: ANDY HAYT/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED VIA GETTY IMAGES
it, and there’s no denying a fleece works classless item of clothing that is a life-
wonders when you’re iced-to-the-bone jacket for those who will struggle to heat
cold. I hadn’t brought a towel (quite their homes this winter, not to mention
silly) but it didn’t matter because, like a standby for others who simply want to
wool, fleece traps pockets of air close to lower the thermostat a degree or two.
the body, reducing the rate of heat Last month, Martin Lewis’s Money
transfer. Unlike wool, fleece absorbs Saving Expert site launched a ‘Heat the
only tiny amounts of water and doesn’t human, not the home’ campaign and
hold it. By the time I’d clambered back fleece jackets were among its must-
across the rocks, I was almost dry. buys. Along with hot water bottles and
Magazine editors usually send fashion electric blankets, the campaign website
journalists like me to Paris or Milan – but offers links to £5 styles from Decathlon
my chilly trip to St Agnes tells you more and Sports Direct. Price-wise, they’re a
about what people want to wear right long way from Finisterre or Patagonia
numbers, which start at £130, or The
Pre-fleece, Kay tells me, his morn- North Face (from £70).
ings started very differently. Twenty Fleece knows no barriers now. John
years ago, he was a chartered surveyor Lewis has a £12 fleece throw, while Chel-
in London, and a man who pined for the sea mums are wearing ‘stealth fleece’
sea every time he took the Tube. A Marfa Stance jackets with panels of the
weekend surfer, he rarely shopped fabric on the inside and more expensive
from the array of mostly Australian surf material on the outside. Sainsbury’s
brands that had landed in the UK; they well-known plum-and-orange jackets
catered to the board shorts and sun- received a tribute recently when Puma
screen crowd. Kay was looking for ways launched a notably similar design. Every
to avoid hypothermia after an hour in Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard climbing high-street brand from M&S (which
the English Channel. in the Taos Ski Valley, New Mexico, 1979 offers 13 fleeces this season compared to

‘The fleece jacket
linings sherpa tends to be used as it is
almost velvety soft to touch. Jackets are

usually made from polar fleece, which is
relatively compact and dense, or D
I wore to Fashion fleece, which is particularly chunky.

‘I would say the more lofty [thicker]
fleece is, the more air it holds,’ says Todd.
Week was made of

‘If you wear layers over the top, you’ve
essentially got this thick, warm air
sponge, keeping you incredibly warm.’
In the textile industry, this is referred
recycled bottles.
to as the CLO (clothing insulation)
value, which measures the warmth
level of a fabric. ‘There are lots of con-
tributory factors but a short-haired
It was outside of fleece tends to have less of a CLO value

than a long-haired fleece, and anything
with very dense fibres will have a higher
fashion, really’
CLO,’ says Jakobsdóttir. ‘Some super-
thermal fleeces, like a loft Arctic fleece
or a shearling long-hair fleece will keep
you very warm if you’re sitting still but
last year’s seven) to Uniqlo is betting on capable of being everything wool could
the fleece for winter. Amazon even has be, and more. It weighed far less, held
fleece fitted sheets. less than one per cent of its weight in
Part of the reason for its ubiquity is water, was machine washable and dried
that fleece is very cheap to make. The quickly, both on the line and in the field.’
fabric is created by heating petroleum Chouinard launched Patagonia
derivatives to form a thick syrup. This (named after the 1968 film Mountain of
is then hardened and spun to form Storms, about a group of friends who
threads and the resulting material surf, ski and climb their way from Cali-
is incredibly durable, no matter how fornia to South America) and within five
often it is washed or worn. years, his fleeces were everywhere.
Hardy adventurers like the famed US
T
he fleece jacket was born in 1973, mountaineer Rick Ridgeway wore his to
when rock-climber Chouinard trek across Tibet, teenagers zipped up
realised his favourite wool jumper theirs in ’80s neon brights, and the new
wasn’t serving his needs. While wool material became synonymous with
kept him warm, it got heavy when wet, California’s least outdoorsy bunch – the
was slow to dry and difficult to clean. computer geeks reshaping the world. If
This was California in the era of innova- you have a Patagonia fleece from that
tion (computers! microwaves!), and era that you rarely wear, maybe con- would be too hot to exercise in, no mat-
Chouinard decided outerwear needed sider selling it on eBay or Vestiaire Col- ter what the temperature outside.’
the 20th-century treatment. At a textile lective where they go for as much £350. More expensive fleece jackets are of
dealer’s store in Canada, he chanced ‘I fell in love with the technical side course better cut, with higher-quality
upon an synthetic fabric that smelled of outerwear at that time,’ says Icelan- finishes. But ultimately the fabric itself,
terrible but repelled water, while his dic native Guðbjörg Jakobsdóttir, the in its purest form, will always have the
wife Malinda found a similar polyester head of tech for the brand 66°North. same physical properties. Part of why
intended for making loo-seat cover. ‘There was this huge push of innova- you’ll pay 20 or 30 times more at the
Chouinard took both to the sewing room tion and the outerwear industry went prestigious brands is that synthetic
and a few days later the fleece was born. from using regular fashion textiles fleece has become something of an
‘It had a simple zipper front, no pock- to creating these very specifically environmental bogeyman. The result is
ets and an outer fabric that started to pill designed fabrics. We associate fleeces that any clothing company that prides
after its first wash,’ is how Patagonia tells with the ’80s but in the ’90s they took itself on its ethical credentials has had to
its origin story on its site. ‘But it seemed off; these were really colourful, opti- remake its products in a more sustaina-
mistic times and people started getting ble – and expensive – way.
hobbies like skiing and hiking. Health It is somewhat ironic that the pioneers
became fashionable and so did the of fleece are mostly people with a deep
clothes that went with it.’ love of nature, but while they solved the
Andrew Todd, head of design at Fin- problem of humans being outside in
isterre, agrees. ‘Back then, synthetics inhospitable weather, they also created
felt like the future. Microwaves and fro- a new, highly polluting fabric that was
COURTESY OF FINISTERRE
zen food were the future of cooking and damaging to the natural world.
synthetic materials were the future of The standard fleece has three envi-
fashion. This century, of course, we’ve ronmental red flags: it is made from
had to unlearn a lot of that.’ petroleum, it’s not biodegradable and it
Tom Kay, founder of upmarket brand Over the following decades, a variety sheds fibres in the washing machine.
Finisterre, started out selling only fleeces of fleeces have been developed: for inner The last is maybe the most problematic:

From below: the Teddy Collection from really is the perfect natural fibre,’ says and most sustainable option is to mix
Skims; the familiar Sainsbury’s staff fleece Helena Barbour, the vice president of virgin and recycled raw materials – it’s

global sportswear at Patagonia. ‘By better for the environment and delivers
deciding to blend it with our beloved a product that lasts.’
fleece fabric, I guess, in some ways, we Although for all the changes these
ended up back where we started.’ more prestigious brands are making,
‘Patagonia just did everything right,’ the sheer quantity of fleece being man-
says Terry Jones, founder of iD maga- ufactured and worn globally means
zine and an early adopter of the brand they are a mere drop in the ocean – and
in the ’90s, and who also consulted for never more so than this winter when a
The North Face. ‘The Patagonia jacket £6 fleece is best chance a mother may
I used to wear to Fashion Week was have of keeping her child warm. Per-
made of recycled bottles. It was outside haps that is why in September Yvon
Chouinard transferred ownership of
Patagonia, valued at about £3 billion,
to a non-profit organisation that will
ensure all its profits (about £100 million
a year) will be used to either fight cli-
mate change or protect virgin land.
The decision chimes with many
other leaders in the field, who share a
strong sense of moral responsibility.
The North Face’s founder Douglas
Tompkins was another influential cam-
paigner who created The Conservation
Land Trust to protect wildlife and vir-
gin land in Chile and Argentina.
Like them, Tom Kay is at his most
energised when talking about the natu-
ral world. In fact, the sea at St Agnes is
helping him after a very difficult year
during which his six-year-old son Wilf
was treated for cancer at a hospital
in Bristol. ‘It was tough,’ says Kay. ‘He’s
doing really well. We’re back home – but
I feel a post-traumatic kind of flatness.
So getting into the sea has been amazing
for me. When I was out there surfing
when I was young it felt like something
I was trying to do battle with. Suddenly
now it’s more holistic – the cold water,
the taste of salt – it’s like a kind of peace.’
a 2016 study showed that, on average, a of fashion really, it was totally func-
fleece releases 1.7 grams of microfibres tional. But the ethical practices that
every time it is washed, with 40 per Yvon Chouinard put in place were very
cent of those microfibres finding their inspiring to others. He led the way.’
way to rivers, lakes and oceans to be
I
consumed by fish and other wildlife. n the last five years, fashionable
(Using a Guppy bag, when washing wool-based fleece brands that make
helps prevent this.) sustainability their main selling
All this served to besmirch fleece’s point, such as Pangaia, have popped up.
image – and a number of campaigns Finisterre has cultivated a flock of Bow-
have been launched to urge customers mont sheep bred to produce thick wool;
to choose wool instead. ‘Wool is the solu- the resulting jackets are warm and, to
tion to so many ecological challenges, my eye, very stylish. But they don’t feel
and now it is the answer to the cost- like fleece in the traditional sense.
of-energy challenge too,’ says Nicholas ‘You never get everything,’ says
Coleridge, who leads the Campaign for Jakobsdóttir, pragmatically. ‘The origi-
Wool, of which King Charles is a patron. nal fleece made from virgin raw mate-
For brands like Finisterre and Patago- rial fossil fuels had a great benefit to
nia, respecting this new environmental the user. You could wash and wash and
reality left them with two options: mak- wear and wear… but then we learned
ing their synthetic fleeces from recy- about the plastics and tried to fix it, but
SKIMS, GETTY IMAGES
cled products such as plastic bottles or the result will never be identical. When
fishing nets, which release far fewer we use wool, it feels different and when
microfibres, or turning back to wool. we use recycled plastics, the resulting
‘There’s always been this fascination fibre is simply less stable – it doesn’t last
with the romance and legacy of wool. It as long or feel as soft. Probably, the best

32
Words by
GU Y K E L LY
Photographs by
CHR IS FL OY D
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Never mind Jagger, Daltrey and Stewart – the seventy-
something singer who’s outsold them all is AC/DC’s

Brian Johnson. He raises a glass and talks rock’n’roll,
hearing loss and why he’ll never drive an electric car
Still
raising
hell
S

itting at a quiet table in his local pub afar, if only for your own personal safety.
in west London, one large house white Low to the ground, prone to unintelligible
before him and seven enormous decades grunts and unpredictable movements, he
behind, Brian Johnson of AC/DC clears is like Taz from Looney Tunes made real.
his throat. He takes a sip, steeples his At 75, he is also arguably the British
palms, shut his eyes and lets out a septuagenarian rock god we all forget:
strained, almost girlish falsetto. not as flamboyant as Jagger, not as sexy
‘Adeste fideles…’ he warbles, using the as Rod, not as cancellable (well, actually,
one quality with which Johnson has never we’ll come to that) as Waters, but AC/DC
been associated: delicacy. He relaxes has outsold them all, and most of the time
again. ‘Midnight mass, special times…’ with Johnson on vocals.
It is noon. We had a ‘cheeky pair of ‘Giddy’ seems to be his resting state,
halves’ an hour ago and have spent the and when we meet, in early September,
intervening time traipsing, not entirely in Johnson can barely contain himself.
a straight line, through Johnson’s remark- Three days earlier, he’d turned up on
able life. Somehow we’ve only just made it stage at a huge tribute concert at Wemb-
to his teenage years, when he was a Cath- ley Stadium held to celebrate the life of
olic choirboy. This, an impromptu recital Taylor Hawkins, the Foo Fighters drum-
of O Come All Ye Faithful in its original mer who died in March.
Latin, is presented as proof he didn’t sing Partway through the six-hour show –
in his scalding, bluesy way – or as he puts which featured some 30 musicians, from
it, ‘with a fixed bayonet’ – as a 13-year-old. Hawkins’ 16-year-old son to Paul McCart-
In a way, he reckons, midnight mass at ney – Johnson, a friend of Hawkins and
St Joseph’s Catholic Church in Gateshead Dave Grohl, scuttled on stage to perform
in 1960 was his first headline show. ‘Even the AC/DC classics Back in Black and Let
I was shocked at how f—king holy I felt. There Be Rock with Metallica’s Lars Ulrich,
‘This was a big gig for me. And then the surviving Foo Fighters and the Dark-
there was the solo. It was late…’ It was ness’s Justin Hawkins.
midnight? ‘It was midnight! And when I ‘It was fan-tastic,’ his speaking voice
started singing, all these women started still thickly Geordie, though just as
crying, saying it was beautiful...’ He sighs. thickly gravel. Six years ago, Johnson quit
Johnson is a riot – in the way that most performing live with AC/DC when he
riots are captivating but best enjoyed from punctured an eardrum, causing doctors
to insist he stop and do something about
it, or go deaf and never sing again. revving and waves his arms as if summon-
The hearing issues – more a result of his ing the spirits – ‘and the beast came out.’
motor-racing passion than half a century Johnson is here today in his usual get-
in rock’n’roll – turned out to be severe: up: a tight black T-shirt, jeans, canvas train-
he’s now entirely deaf in one ear and has ers, curls covered by a grey cloth baker boy
just 25 per cent hearing in the other. cap. For the last three decades he’s lived in
‘For a while, people would ask me if I Sarasota, Florida, but he and his wife,
was depressed. But depression is treatable. Brenda, also have a place in Henley-on-
My hearing loss wasn’t. What I was feeling Thames and a pied-à-terre here in London
wasn’t depression. It was something closer on the river.
to despair,’ he wrote about the experience. Johnson, who’s said to be worth around
In the years since, after plenty of med- $100 million, doesn’t exactly travel incog-
ical treatment, he’s been working with an nito. A car obsessive, when in Henley he
audio and hearing expert to develop spe- drives a 1964 Morris 1100, but here ‘I’ve
cialist earpieces that allow him to sing in got some big, f—k-off, Bentley Continental
front of a full, thrashing live band again. GT look-at-the-size-of-my-penis down-
They are now small enough to go unno- stairs in the garage.’ In the US he’s got eve-
ticed, and ready for full testing. Grohl’s rything from a Ford GT40 to a 1954 MG TF.
invitation came at the perfect time. Anything electric?
Johnson with AC/DC lead guitarist Angus Young in 1985 ‘I just thought, “I’ve got to do this. This ‘Steady, son. You go too far, I sink,
is going to put a lot of demons to bed. monsieur!’
Whether I can do this, is there a chance to But it’s the future, Brian.
be able to go on stage just a few more ‘It’s not the future. They’re dirty.
times before I f—k off to another place?”’ They’re going to be dirty to get rid of, too.
That legendary riff from Back in Black Electric’s where it is because politicians
AVALON
was all it took. ‘Oh boy. The first [chord] want to look green in front of people. It’s
and I went’ – he makes the sound of a V8 all nonsense. F—k ’em.’

were what they called a “skilled man”, not
a miner or builder. It was wonderful.’

But his head had already been turned by
music. He sang in that church choir, relish-
ing the reaction of the congregation, and
had an adolescent epiphany when he stum-
bled across Little Richard singing ‘A-WOP
BOP A-LOO BOP, A WOP BAM BOOM!’ dur-
ing a BBC interlude after Farming Today.
‘On this day, the gods of rock’n’roll had
decided that little Brian Johnson was
going to get a bolt of lightning up his arse,’
Johnson writes.
While at CA Parsons, his reputation as
a prodigious choral showstopper led to an
invitation to join local bands, including
the group that would become Geordie, a
glam-rock outfit with ambitions to com-
pete with the likes of Slade and Sweet.
Alan bought him some equipment for
£3.10/- to further the hobby, which John-
son would later add to by joining the Terri-
torial Army’s parachute regiment. At the
time £200 was offered to complete train-
ing, plus £8 for every time trainees jumped
out of a plane. Johnson did seven.
With their shrapnel-voiced, lion-maned
singer, Geordie found success, including a
top 10 single. At one gig in 1973, they were
‘I thought, “I’ve got

to do this.” That
first chord, and the
beast came out’
He is no fan of politicians on either side in North Africa and then in Italy, where he supported by a group called Fang, fronted
of the Atlantic, but it turns out he hasn’t met Esther, Johnson’s mother. Despite by the wild Bon Scott, who’d soon join a nas-
actually voted in his life. ‘People go, “Oh being 5ft 2in, Alan had a voice ‘so massive cent Australian rock band called AC/DC.
well it’s your fault, then.” I go, “No no, it’s and commanding, he could make you Seven years later, Geordie’s success had
your f—king fault for voting these cretins simultaneously stand to attention and shit run out, Johnson – by this point married to
in. What would happen if both the candi- yourself from a thousand yards’. So that’s Carol and with two daughters – was work-
dates got zero votes? Revolution, that’s where Brian gets it from. ing as a windscreen fitter, and AC/DC,
what would f—king happen. And we’d get Back in Gateshead, they had little helped by their album Highway to Hell,
the right people in.’ money, and for years Johnson and his three were one of the biggest acts in the world.
Well, that seems unlikely, given they’d siblings were among 17 family members Then Scott died of acute alcohol poison-
always vote for themselves. living in a two-bed semi. By the early ’50s, ing, aged just 33, and suddenly they
‘Yeah, there’s always one t—t...’ they’d received a council house of their needed a new singer.
He growls. ‘Sorry, you’re starting to get own, where Johnson was under pressure to The rest of the band, led by brothers
The World According to Brian, and you make something of himself. Which he did, Malcolm and Angus Young (the latter of
don’t want that, you don’t need that.’ winning an apprenticeship at CA Parsons & whom did, and still does, always perform
Co, a respected Tyneside engineering firm. wearing a schoolboy uniform), knew Scott
We’re ostensibly here to discuss Johnson’s ‘I know people will laugh now, but had rated Johnson, so arranged an audi-
memoir, The Lives of Brian, a rollocking and it meant everything to get that. You tion in London. ‘I thought, there is no way
unsurprisingly non-linear collection of tales I’m getting this gig. I wasn’t in the loop, I
from his early life, up to joining AC/DC. hadn’t done anything for five years, and
‘I got myself three BS editors, to make these guys were red hot, there must be a
sure things actually happened as they line out the door for them,’ Johnson says.
happened. But nobody’s going to read this And there was – Slade’s Noddy Holder was
and use it as a tool. It’s just another f—king one, and he claims he turned it down.
book,’ he says, giving it the hard sell. Johnson beat the rest.
AVALON
His father, Alan, was a military man, As a new line-up, they got to work
who served in the Durham Light Infantry on Back in Black, a part new-era, part

Scott tribute album that was written ‘And just a quick feel?’ He giggles.
and recorded in haste in the Bahamas. We sit awkwardly. ‘What are we going

Johnson, who wasn’t a lyricist, suddenly to do with you?’ the waitress sighs.
needed to step up and provide some ‘I don’t know, my darling, you’ll only
words. I have read that the first song he feel safe once the topsoil goes on...’
ever penned was You Shook Me All Night A moment later he asks if I’ve met his
Long – now one of the band’s biggest hits. assistant. I have. He exhales. ‘I wish I was
‘Yep, and it was just the love of automo- 40 years younger…’
biles and the ladies: “She was a fast So, it’s possible those critics have a instantly smothers her face in kisses. It is,
machine, she kept her motor clean / She point. thankfully, his wife, ‘Brenda the Lender!’
was the best damn woman that I ever Johnson’s first marriage ended in 1990,
seen / She had the sightless eyes, telling With Johnson in place, AC/DC had a after almost 25 years (his daughters and
me no lies / Knocking me out with those remarkably stable 25 years, a time in their families still live in Newcastle, and
American thighs…”’ which they sold hundreds of millions of see him often). He and Brenda have been
He pauses. ‘Which was funny, because records, toured extensively, and were together for even longer now.
I’d never seen an American thigh by then. inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of ‘She’s a good ’un. F—king 72 next year.
But it sounded good.’ Fame. They also barely wavered, musi- I wake up, and this lassie smiles every
Back in Black went on to shift more than cally or in personnel. morning, no matter what’s happening. It
50 million copies, becoming the second ‘I don’t think we ever fell out over any- takes a lot to keep me from being bored.
best-selling album of all time, after Michael thing. The boys always kept themselves to That’s why I race cars.’
Jackson’s Thriller. Thematically, it’s about themselves, whatever they did.’ Brenda’s got him on a keto diet. He can
hard-partying, the fast life, and women. Surely there was excess, though? only eat between 4pm and 8pm. ‘I was wor-
AC/DC has a lot of songs about the latter. ‘There wasn’t. Of course everybody ried about going on stage. I thought,
‘Well, we’d lost Bon, we didn’t want to had a ball. I had a sniff of the old cocaine, “Where did this belly come from?” I ate all
make it maudlin, so with the words, we but I figured early, “This isn’t good.” So I the pies, that’s where. After about three
kept them strong.’ jumped that ship decades ago. And you days [of the diet], and working out and
Modern critics haven’t always seen see things… happening to people you cycling, it worked. It’s boring, but it works.’
those lyrics in the same way. In Vulture respect and love. Trendy diets and Lycra aside, he is oth-
David Marchese wrote that ‘there’s a deep ‘You tell them to stop but you know they erwise not entirely au fait with the mod-
strain of misogyny in the band’s output aren’t going to listen to you. You see that ern world. He pulls out his mobile phone,
that veers from feeling terribly dated to look of rebellion in their eyes until you see a Nokia from about 897 BC. Not about to
straight-up reprehensible’. The band usu- that look of terrible resignation, when join TikTok, then?
ally dismisses that kind of thing as tiring ‘I don’t know what f—king TikTok is.’
and square (‘I thought rock’n’roll was
supposed to be juvenile. You sing what
you know. What am I going to write
‘Death? I guess I’m But some of his contemporaries are more
active online – Jagger and Rod included.
‘They love it, but I’m not that lonely. I’ve got
about, Rembrandt?’ Angus once said),
which I considered an understandable
defence until a staff member comes over
just too busy. I’m friends I can speak to on the phone.’
The future of AC/DC isn’t known. Mal-
colm died from the effects of dementia in
to take Johnson’s order in the pub.
‘I was wondering if I could get a glass
of white wine and a bottle of sparkling
sure it’ll catch up 2017, while Johnson was on hiatus from
live performing. In 2020 they made a
comeback with a 17th studio album, Power
water?’ he asks.
Then he mimes a two-handed grope. with me.Not today’ Up, but Covid meant they never reunited
to play live, and still haven’t since 2016.
All this, along with the hearing loss, has
they’ve realised they’re not strong enough made the man who has sung the line
to stop. I’ve never needed that.’ ‘Forget the hearse ’cause I’ll never die’
As with the book, Johnson doesn’t par- thousands of times all over the planet sud-
ticularly enjoy going into great detail denly feel quite mortal.
about AC/DC when he’s alone, claiming ‘There’s one great thing about death:
it’s ‘not my place’, as if he’s still serving his you just don’t know. I guess I’m just too
probation period after 42 years. ‘I’m just a busy. I’m sure it’ll catch up with me, but
cog. When we do interviews with [the not today,’ he mutters. ‘I hope it’s clean. I
others], we’ll talk as a band, but other don’t want to become a vegetable.’
than that I find it quite uncomfortable. It’s The band will play again, he reckons –
their story, they were there from the ‘it’ll come good, it always does’ – and he’ll
beginning. I can’t wait to read the book of keep on singing, so long as the instru-
AC/DC, and it won’t be me writing it.’ ment holds up. Physically, it feels fine.
I wonder if he’s heard of the term ‘Most singers sing from the diaphragm.
‘imposter syndrome’, the modern name I sing from the neck, that’s why it’s so dif-
for a common psychological occurrence in ferent. It’s like a trumpet. It’s not because
Johnson and Young on stage in 2015 which somebody doubts their skills, to the I’m good, it’s because I’m different,’ he says.
extent of fearing being exposed as a fraud. All those years ago at midnight mass in
‘I’ve never heard that, but yeah, “If it Gateshead, Johnson learned what he
hadn’t been for these circumstances, gosh could do with that voice. And look where
darnit, would I be here...?” But you can do it’s taken him.
GETTY IMAGES
that to the nth degree, I just have to enjoy it.’ He takes a big drink. ‘Ah, it’s been a
At this point a striking and tanned f—king good life. But you know, we’ll see
woman shuffles up to the table. Johnson what happens. F—k it.’

2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2
37
The latest travel craze among alpha types sees them dumped on a remote

desert island with no food, no water, and definitely no cocktail in sight.
Sink or
Words by
SOPHIE DICKINSON
When Oisin O’Leary first tried to been shipwrecked in this remote trips away from boardrooms and hotel, castaways are dropped off on
sleep under the island’s jungle place – he had paid thousands for busy commutes. Now, his company their island of choice. The first days
canopy, he had to learn to tune out the privilege of being deserted. takes groups of up to 10 travellers are spent with two instructors,
the noises. ‘A small crab moving O’Leary, 33, was a client of the to islands in the Philippines, Pan- learning to identify edible flora,
through dried leaves can sound travel company Desert Island ama or Tonga, provides basic train- catch fish and make fire, building
like a big animal at night,’ he says, Survival, run by former wealth ing, then leaves them there with shelters from palm leaves and
‘and you’ve got to switch off those manager Tom Williams. A self- not much more than a machete. shimmying up trees for fruit. After
thoughts.’ The investment-fund proclaimed ‘adventure guy’, Wil- The itinerary is daunting in its five days, the instructors sail away,
manager from London had not liams, 39, decided to create fantasy simplicity: after a night in a luxury and clients fend for themselves.

What is it about these hair-raising experiences that has certain punters

paying thousands of pounds for the thrill of simply trying to stay alive?
or swim
Photographs by
JA ME S A PPLE TON
Three days later, they are whisked there are really peaceful moments: Then, as the ‘survival phase’ aways before – mountain climbing
back to a hotel to recuperate. looking over the ocean at a sunset approaches, ‘You wonder if you’ve in Kyrgyzstan; trekking through
The training period is itself far with your new friends, and realis- really understood everything, the Amazon – but this trip, they say,
from Lord of the Flies – bearing ing there are no buildings, no and if there’s something you’ve was the ultimate test of endurance.
more of a resemblance to a ‘fun other people, no distractions, you missed. It’s hard not to think about The sense of danger is part of
camping trip’, according to Dustin feel so connected to nature. And what might happen if you get the appeal. The castaway has a
Illgner, a 30-year-old ecommerce even things like spear-fishing, something wrong.’ long literary history, from tales of
specialist from Kansas. ‘Of course, when you’re in a group, feel like an Both O’Leary and Illgner had missing sailors left to build tiny
it’s tough learning new skills, but exciting activity.’ taken part in adventurous get- empires after shipwrecks, to

Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. We read Others take the idea even fur-
these stories and imagine that, ther than Desert Island Survival.
marooned on a rocky outcrop, we Docastaway, founded by eccentric
too would survive, becoming Spanish ‘explorer and entrepre-
romantic heroes in touch with both neur’ Alvaro Cerezo, will drop the
our humanity and the natural paying customer on an island for
world. Those who join these trips anything between £80 and £330
make a bet with themselves, and a night – with no training. And
the rest of us, daring to show that Untold Story, a British travel firm
they really are just like Crusoe. that specialises in bespoke trips,
So far, there haven’t been any allows clients to ‘reawaken their
disasters of note, but that may be primal instincts’ with a customisa-
due to the relative newness of the ble desert-island experience, start-
trips rather than their intrinsic ing at £3,500. ‘It’s now our most-
safety. Operators I speak to are requested trip,’ says co-founder
keen to stress they would never Chris Brunning, 39, clearly slightly
let the castaways find themselves bemused by its appeal.
in any real danger: travellers are ‘We’ve seen a shift from the
seduced by the idea of jeopardy; consumption of luxury goods to
insurers are not. the consumption of luxury expe-
For Layla Kyle-Hopkins, 34, the riences; people want to outdo
operations manager at Desert each other now. Especially after
Island Survival, this fantasy is the the pandemic, it’s all about having
ultimate way to establish a sense of the most impressive time, rather
self. ‘We all love to achieve some- than the most impressive thing.’
thing. It’s that urge to run a mile The typical Untold Story casta-
or do a workout for an adrenaline ways are ‘young entrepreneurs or
rush, taken to its extreme.’ wealthy seniors, often surrounded
ordeals. A one-time contestant on

the US survival show Alone was an
instructor on his trip. ‘Lucas Miller
is someone I look up to quite a lot,
and he was there, teaching us,’
says O’Leary, clearly still amazed to
have spent time with Miller. ‘The
by yes men in their ordinary lives’, man has an absolute wealth of sur-
says Brunning. Desert Island Sur- vival knowledge.’
vival sees similar demographics: An obsession with adventure
alphas, careerists, city-dwellers, pop culture won’t be enough,
largely between 35 and 50. Those though: travellers have to be seri-
who book are predominantly male ously physically capable. Both
– about 70 per cent – and mostly Desert Island Survival and Untold
Brits or other Europeans, or Amer- Story ask potential castaways
icans. There are some variations, about their health, and advise
though: a trip in March had a par- training regimes ahead of the trip.
ticipant in their 70s. ‘Fitness is obviously the most
It’s not just about having a tale to important criterion,’ says Kyle-
tell to colleagues on the golf Hopkins. That, and the ability to
course. Clients often want to repli- pay, of course: prices start at
cate situations seen on TV shows £2,650, not including flights.
like Lost. With I’m a Celebrity… One concern facing any island
Previous page: returning to our screens next inhabitant is dinner. There’s fish,
isolation, Desert month, there seems to be a par- but catching it requires dexterity
Island Survival- ticular penchant among English- and patience – not easy if you’re
style, on one of speakers for nature -based running off minimal water and no
Panama’s Pearl sleep. Illgner is particularly proud
challenges – rainforest camping or
Islands; if
necessary, clients
gruelling treks – though most of us of a ‘long, narrow fish’ he managed
are lent a don’t recreate Bushtucker Trials to catch, which he ingeniously sea-
speargun. Right: on our holidays. soned with ‘sea salt from a dried-up
self-made For O’Leary, there was a particu- puddle’. Positively gourmet.
friction fire lar thrill in reenacting onscreen And then there are the snails.

These are a prime protein source
on the Panamanian island – and
that means fire-charred escargots
are often the dish du jour. ‘You
don’t have much time for hunting
when you’re building a shelter
and trying to save calories. We
just picked up snails and chucked
them on the fire, although they
are truly disgusting,’ O’Leary says.
Neel Parekh, a 33-year-old
start-up founder from California,
even found himself bounding
through the water after an affable-
looking stingray, makeshift spear
held aloft. For a man who admits
he’s ‘not very nature-focused’, the
moment marked a turning point.
‘The crazy thing is, this felt com- Far left: groups
pletely normal within only two of fellow
days. Humans have only very adventurers are
recently morphed into computer- marooned
together
screen goblins, and it’s amazing
– including Neel
how quickly we become hunter- Parekh (top left).
gatherers again.’ Left: coconuts are
Worse than the food situation collected from
for the castaways was the nagging trees for
feeling of always being at least sustenance
slightly dehydrated. For Illgner,
‘We’ve seen this was a surprise. ‘We initially

relied on coconuts that had landed
on the ground for water,’ he says.
it all” isn’t necessarily about being
alone. It’s about experiencing
something new to you, and getting
minute-by-minute news, or You-
Tube videos. You’re getting your
hands dirty and getting fresh air,
a shift from ‘It turned out they weren’t super
hydrating, and you can’t drink
out of your comfort zone,’ he says.
More curious island travel that
speaking to new people, learning
new skills and working with the
luxury
them exclusively because they involves engaging with communi- land. It’s really rewarding.’
become oily, and upset your stom- ties could be fulfilling. ‘If the Almost every castaway I speak
ach. So we had to get the coconuts appeal of a “desert island” adven- to mentions profound psycholog-
goods to from the top of the tree. This

required building a mechanism to
ture is about self-sufficiency, there
are a huge number of solo adven-
ical effects: the feeling of confi-
dence after lighting a fire, or the
luxury
get a rope around the branches, tures designed to contribute as usefulness of having time to ‘deal
then attempting to loop it over the much as possible to the places we with themselves’. Pristine beaches
coconuts and yank them down. visit,’ says Francis. ‘My biggest and and lush jungle might be a draw,
experiences; That takes so much energy, and

you only get a few coconuts a day.
best adventures by far have been
led by local people, who’ve given
but time for reflection seems to
be, at least retrospectively, the
people want
‘After three and a half days of me insight into cultures very dif- most significant advantage.
slight dehydration, I felt so ferent from my own. For those considering the trip,
depleted. Even after being home ‘Swapping out a global resort open-mindedness is key. ‘If you’re
to outdo for a week after the trip, I didn’t

feel fully rehydrated.’
Despite such physical effects,
for local homestays, chipping in
with community projects and
events while on holiday – these
considering it, you’ve already
made the decision,’ says O’Leary.
And those concerned about the
each other the trips seem to tap into some
primal urge to be alone – and
can be just as transformational as
any extreme activity. Arguably far
merciless heat, or the creeping
noises of a jungle at night, need not
now’ Desert Island Survival even offers

the option for travellers to do the
isolation period entirely by them-
more so – and incredible fun, too.’
But back in the world of alphas,
Kyle-Hopkins believes the pri-
worry – Illgner says we’re all ‘capa-
ble of way more than we give our-
selves credit for’. Pass the snails.
selves. But is that the most effec- mary benefit for her clients is Desert Island Survival trips start
tive way to find oneself? meeting like-minded travellers. at £2,650 for 10 days. Untold Story
Justin Francis, CEO of holiday And it seems like island life offers offers customisable trips; enquire at
company Responsible Travel, a setting for peace, too. untoldstorytravel.com for details.
thinks people looking for a ‘It is incredibly positive for your Responsible Travel offers various
rewarding getaway shouldn’t need mental health,’ O’Leary says. ‘You island adventures, including
to go to such extremes. ‘“Escaping don’t have access to phones, or island-hopping in the Maldives

42
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Food
‘With a

supersized
bottle, you get
a hefty dose of
spectacle’
VICTORIA MOORE
TURNS
M A G N U M P. I .
P. 5 7
MARK HIX F L AV O U R S O F T H E W E E K
GOOD- Quick and easy midweek meals needn’t
LOOKING SLOW compromise on taste
COOKING
P. 5 1 B y E D S M I T H P h o t o g r a p h s b y H A A R A L A H A M I LT O N Fo o d s t y l i n g b y VA L E R I E B E R R Y

Cooking, for me, is both a job your favourites. Keep making them. boiled. Indeed, this is something I
and a hobby. With a fair wind That you could probably shop for and suggest in both the tomato gratin, and

I’m very happy to potter for cook them blindfolded will save even prawn and chorizo bake recipes here.
hours, or even days, around more time and headspace. My aim is to Which brings us to protein and the
a dish involving multiple components, present a little food for thought in the other bits. Obviously we need protein
resting periods and tricky techniques. hope that, occasionally, you can add and vegetables that cook quickly – or
Indeed, prior to the hot summer of variety to your time-sensitive meals. don’t require cooking. We’re talking
2017, I rolled my eyes at the endless It’s not rocket science, of course. vegetables that are small or good when
clamour for quick fixes, limited-effort But it is worth remembering that the al dente, or lean cuts of meat that only
recipes and 30-minute meals. ‘Cooking ingredients you can use are limited by require a few minutes per side before
is fun, cook from scratch,’ I’d say. ‘You cooking time. No slow-cooked brisket, they’re blushing in the middle and
can’t expect a great meal without or dry beans that need soaking charred at the edges. Good options
putting in the effort.’ overnight. Save those for the weekend. include steaks, loins and chops, and
But that year I became a dad, and I Once those limitations are realised, (especially) seafood, most examples of
suddenly got it. Five years on, I get it creativity will flow. which are extremely quick to steam,
even more. The ‘with a fair wind’ caveat On the carb front, pasta is always a fry, bake or grill. See the prawns in one
is key: the time for cooking, let alone strong bet. Many sauces come together of these recipes, mackerel in another.
the associated shopping and cleaning, within the 12 minutes or so it takes to Quick doesn’t always mean no-effort.
has severely contracted. Even though cook spaghetti. You’ve probably got You might need to chop and cook
cooking is my job – or perhaps pasta covered though, so there’s no efficiently, raising the adrenaline levels
especially for that reason – when it recipe on that theme here (try Rachel a little. But spending a relatively short
comes to the evening meal I now want Roddy’s An A-Z of Pasta if not). Noodles while cooking recipes such as these will
and need quick fixes and limited-effort are another snappy base. In fact they’re rarely feel like a disproportionate use of
recipes that still taste delicious. often even quicker, and frequently a time – which, even I now know, is such
No doubt many of you felt those starting point for me when I’m in need a precious commodity.
pressures years before me, whether the of something speedy yet substantial. Ed Smith (@rocketandsquash) is a cook
trigger was a child, work or just life in Also consider pre-cooked beans or and food writer. His latest book, Crave:
general. Or perhaps you simply don’t lentils, new or ‘baby’ potatoes, and Recipes Arranged by Flavour, To Suit
want to spend too long preparing many rice varieties. Don’t forget bread, Your Mood and Appetite (Quadrille, £25),
something that takes a few minutes to which I’m a fan of using to mop up or won best cookery book at the Fortnum &
devour. You will likely already have encase things I’ve baked, fried or Mason Food and Drink Awards 2022
Mackerel with lemon and black pepper nam jim

Prep time: 20 minutes INGREDIENTS – juice of 1 lemon the peppercorns using stems. Combine the hot griddle pan for 3-4
Cook time: 10-12 – 100g dried, fine – 2 tbsp fish sauce a pestle and mortar, so carrot, courgette and minutes per side, until
minutes vermicelli rice – 1 tbsp golden caster they are somewhere herbs in a mixing bowl, the skin is charred and
noodles sugar between cracked and pour half the nam jim bubbling, and the flesh
Serves 2 – 2 carrots – 1 bird’s-eye chilli, coarsely ground. over the top and toss is firm but juicy and
– 1 small courgette thinly sliced Combine with the thoroughly. Decant the pulls away from the
Other than gently – 20g Thai basil rest of the nam jim rest of the sauce into a bone. Alternatively,
toasting some rice and – 15g mint METHOD ingredients, whisking small dipping bowl. cook over hot coals, or
grilling or frying the – 15g coriander Put the noodles in a with a fork until the Toast the rice in a under a blazing grill.
mackerel for a few – 1 tbsp jasmine or Thai medium-sized mixing sugar is dissolved. small frying pan over Divide the noodles
minutes, this is a quick glutinous rice bowl. Cover with Use a julienne peeler a low-medium heat for and salad between two
assembly of a handful of – 2 whole mackerel, just-boiled water for six to cut the carrots and about four minutes, plates or shallow bowls,
fresh and invigorating gutted and cleaned, minutes, until al dente. courgette into fine until it begins to turn add the mackerel, and
ingredients. It’s one of each weighing Drain through a sieve, strips. (If you don’t have golden and smells dust the salad and fish
my go-to meals and is 200-250g cool under a cold one of those, use a fragrant. Use a pestle liberally with the rice
a real crowd-pleaser. – 1 tsp vegetable oil running tap, drain again swivel-style vegetable and mortar to grind to powder. Keep the
The quantities can and return to the bowl. peeler to cut them into a gritty powder. remaining nam jim on
easily be doubled to For the nam jim Set to one side. ribbons instead.) Pick Finally, brush the the side for dipping, or
serve four. Nam jim is – generous ½ tsp black Meanwhile, make the the leaves from the mackerel with a little oil to pour over the noodles
a Thai dipping sauce. peppercorns nam jim by pounding herbs, discarding the and cook in a smoking- and fish to taste.
44 THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE 2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2

22 OctOber 2022
the telegr aph Maga zine
45
46
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Prawn, corn and chorizo tray-bake tacos

Prep time: 15 minutes – 3 shallots, quartered – 100ml white wine chorizo, shallots and Add the prawn tortillas in a dry frying
Cook time: 25-30 – 400g cherry – 1 tsp golden caster cherry tomatoes over mixture to the baking pan and keep warm in
minutes tomatoes, halved sugar a large, shallow baking tray, give it all a good a clean tea towel.
– 2 tsp coriander seeds tray (approximately shuffle, add the wine, When the cooking
Serves 4-6 – 2 tsp cumin seeds To serve 30x42cm), and place in and return the tray to time is up, the prawns
– 2 tsp sweet smoked – 200g Greek-style the oven for 12 minutes. the oven for 15 minutes. should look pink, there
Just one baking tray, paprika natural yogurt Meanwhile, place While it cooks, gather may be a little char
but one that’s absolutely – ½ tsp black – finely grated zest and the spices in a pestle your accompaniments: elsewhere and the
packed with flavour. peppercorns and juice of 1 lime, and mortar with the add the sugar to the mixture will definitely
These tacos are perfect – ½ tsp flaky sea salt plus 1 lime cut into flaky sea salt, and grind remaining spice mix; in smell great. Sprinkle
for a relatively speedy – 2 corn cobs, kernels wedges to a powder. a small bowl, mix the the remaining spice
convivial meal. Bring sliced off, or 250-300g – 1 avocado In a separate large yogurt with the lime mix over the top, then
the end result and the frozen or canned – 12-16 corn tortillas bowl, combine the zest, half the lime juice scatter with chilli
various garnishes to the sweetcorn – 1 small mild chilli, sweetcorn, prawns, and a pinch of salt; and and coriander. Serve
middle of the table, – 360g raw shelled king finely sliced garlic, olive oil and using either a pestle everything at the
encouraging everyone prawns – 10g coriander, leaves about two thirds of the and mortar, or the back table with extra lime
to help themselves. – 2 garlic cloves, picked spice blend. Stir in the of a fork and another wedges for squeezing.
crushed grated zest and juice bowl, mash the avocado
INGREDIENTS – 1 tbsp olive oil METHOD of one lime. Slice the flesh and season with
– 400g cooking chorizo, – 1 lime Preheat the oven to peppers into 1-2cm- salt, pepper and the
roughly cut into – 300g roasted red 220C/200C fan/gas wide strips and add to remaining lime juice.
1-2cm dice peppers from a jar mark 7. Spread the diced the bowl, mixing well. Briefly heat the

Tomato and fennel gratin with a sriracha crumb
Prep time: 15 minutes INGREDIENTS For the crumb a pinch of salt. Sauté you have fine, soft they no longer resemble
Cook time: 30 minutes – 3 tbsp extra-virgin – 150g fresh sourdough, gently for 3-4 minutes, breadcrumbs. Wipe tomatoes), sprinkle the
olive oil torn into chunks, plus then add the sliced down the frying pan, remaining Parmesan on
Serves 2 – 1 small fennel bulb, extra, to serve garlic and, 30 seconds add the oil and set over top, then sprinkle all
weighing about 150g, – 4 tbsp extra-virgin later, the cream, thyme a medium-high heat. the breadcrumbs over
As with most gratins, sliced paper-thin olive oil and half the Parmesan. Add the breadcrumbs, that. Return to the oven
there’s a tiny bit of using a mandolin – 2 garlic cloves, Bring to a simmer, then stir to soak up the oil for five more minutes.
hands-on effort at the – 3 garlic cloves, thinly crushed transfer to a gratin dish and fry for 3-4 minutes, Serve with more fresh
beginning of the sliced – 1 heaped tbsp sriracha in which the tomatoes until golden. Stir in the sourdough and a
cooking process here. – 220ml double cream or other hot sauce will fit in one fairly snug garlic and then the handful of rocket or
But not much, really. – 1 tbsp thyme leaves layer. Add those sriracha. Remove from watercress, if you
And that effort is – 25g Parmesan, finely METHOD tomatoes, drizzle with the heat. would like something
handsomely rewarded grated Preheat the oven to the remaining oil and Remove the gratin green alongside.
with a meal that’s – 500g small vine 220C/200C fan/gas bake at the top of the from the oven, squidge
layered with different tomatoes (golf-ball- mark 7. Heat two oven for 18 minutes. the tomatoes a little
flavours and textures. sized – or if bigger, tablespoons of the oil in Meanwhile, for the using the back of a fork
Mop up the moreish cut in half) a frying or sauté pan crumb, pulse the so some of their juices
sauce with some – rocket or watercress, over a medium heat, sourdough in a blender spill into the cream
sourdough bread. to serve then add the fennel and or food processor until (but not so hard that

50
THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE
2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2
MARK HIX
Taking it slow
When I worked at The Grill at the them properly. The old art of slow cooking
Dorchester Hotel, osso buco creates flavoursome, hearty dishes that don’t
would feature once a week, along break the bank, as they often use cheaper
with other slow-cooked dishes cuts and make the most of the whole animal.
like beef braised in Guinness, Irish stew or Slow-cooking can be applied to desserts, too
Lancashire hotpot. It taught me a lot about – poaching pears in their own alcohol makes
secondary cuts of meat and how to cook perfect sense, and I highly recommend it.
2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2 Photographs by M A T T A U S T I N THE TELEGR APH MAGA ZINE 51
PIGEON AND
APPLE SALAD

Prep time: 15 minutes
Cook time: 15 minutes
Serves 4
Pigeons are very good

value, and you can also
use this recipe for
other game birds. On
the River Axe in Dorset
there’s an abundance
of wild apples and
blackberries growing
next to each other, and
they’re the perfect
ingredient marriage;
they work wonderfully
with game, too. They
continue fruiting until
late October, and I
store the apples and
freeze the blackberries
for autumn and winter.
Once you’ve made
this dish you can
make a stock with
the bones for a game
sauce or broth.
INGREDIENTS
– 2 oven-ready wood
pigeons, each about
250-300g
– 15g butter, softened,
or 1 tbsp rapeseed oil
– a few handfuls of small
salad leaves and soft
herbs
– 1 apple, thinly sliced
and shredded into
matchsticks
For the dressing

– 12-15 blackberries
– 1 tbsp red wine
vinegar
– ½ tsp Tewkesbury or
Dijon mustard
– 4 tbsp rapeseed oil
METHOD
Heat the oven to
230C/210C fan/gas mark
8. Season the pigeons
and rub the breasts with
butter or oil. Roast for
12-15 minutes, keeping
them nice and pink,
then leave to rest.
Meanwhile, make the
dressing by crushing
the blackberries in a
bowl with the back of
a fork, then whisking
in the vinegar, mustard
and oil. Season to taste.
To serve, remove the
meat from the pigeons,
slicing the breasts and
shredding the leg meat.
Arrange the leaves,
apple and pigeon on
four serving plates, then
spoon over the dressing.

OSSO BUCO For the sauce garlic in the butter in
– 1 onion, finely a flameproof casserole

Prep time: 15 minutes chopped dish for 2-3 minutes,
Cook time: 1 hour – 1 large garlic clove, until soft, stir in the
30 minutes crushed or grated flour and cook over a
– 40g butter low heat for a minute,
Serves 4 – 30g plain flour, plus then add the tomato
extra for dusting purée, wine, and thyme
This is one of my – 30g tomato purée or oregano. Gradually
favourite veal dishes, – 120ml red wine stir in the stock. Add the
and a perfect dinner – the leaves from a few veal pieces, season,
party main now the sprigs of thyme or bring to the boil then
nights are getting colder. oregano cover with a lid and
Osso buco translates as – 1.5 litres beef stock cook in the oven for
‘hole in the bone’, which – 1 large carrot, finely 40 minutes.
contains the marrow and chopped Stir in the carrot and
will enrich the sauce – 2 sticks of celery, celery and continue
during the slow cooking. finely chopped cooking for another
If your butcher can’t 30-40 minutes, or until
get hold of shin of For the gremolata the meat is tender. The
veal, then shin of pork – grated zest of sauce should be a nice
works equally well. 1 small lemon coating consistency; if
Gremolata is a great – 1 garlic clove, finely not, remove the pieces
simple dressing to grated of meat and simmer the
go with meat or oily – 1 tbsp olive or sauce on the stove until
fish. Traditionally rapeseed oil it’s thickened.
osso buco is served – 1 tbsp finely chopped Meanwhile, make the
with a saffron risotto, parsley gremolata by mixing
but soft polenta or a all of the ingredients
creamy mashed potato METHOD together and seasoning.
flavoured with Parmesan Heat the oven to Transfer the pieces of
is just as good. 180C/160C fan/gas meat to warmed serving
mark 5. Lightly flour dishes, spoon the sauce
INGREDIENTS and season the pieces over, and serve with the
– 4 x 300-350g of veal. Heat a little oil gremolata spooned over
centre-cut pieces of in a large frying pan and the veal or separately.
shin of veal cook them for a few
– plain flour, for dusting minutes on each side,
– vegetable oil, for frying until nicely coloured,
– soft polenta or mashed then put to one side.
potato with Parmesan, Meanwhile, gently
to serve cook the onion and

PERRY-POACHED leaf and caster sugar
PEAR WITH into a saucepan and add
BLACKBERRIES the pears.
Bring to a simmer
Prep time: 10 minutes and poach gently for
Cook time: 35-45 20-30 minutes, or until
minutes, plus cooling the pears are soft but
still holding their shape.
Serves 4 Lift out the poached
pears using a slotted
INGREDIENTS spoon, and set aside
– 4 firm pears on a plate.
– 500ml perry Continue to simmer
– 4 cloves the liquor in the pan
– small piece of until it has reduced by
cinnamon stick about two-thirds, then
– 1 bay leaf stir in the cornflour
– 2 tbsp caster sugar mixture and simmer for
– 1 tsp cornflour diluted a couple of minutes,
in a little water until it thickens. Return
– couple of handfuls of the pears to the liquor
blackberries and leave to cool.
– clotted cream or ice To serve, stand each
cream, to serve pear on a serving plate
and spoon over a little
METHOD of the liquid. Serve with
Peel the pears, leaving a few blackberries and a
the stalks intact, and cut scoop of clotted cream
a thin sliver off the base or ice cream.
of each one so they
will stand upright when
served. Put the perry,
cloves, cinnamon, bay

56
THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE
2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2
RAI
Victoria Moore
SI N
G

A
GL
Nothing says ‘bonhomie’
ASS
like a supersized bottle
‘ We just sell so many
magnums to our custom- WINES
ers,’ says Laura Taylor of OF
E W EEK
Private Cellar. ‘With our TH
most popular wines, we
always ask the producer if they can bot-
tle some into a magnum for us.’
Big bottles are a counterintuitive
trend at a time when so many are cutting EH Booth & Co
down on units and opting for ‘low and Douro 2019,
Portugal
no’. They’re gravity-defying from an
13.5%; Booths, £11
economical perspective too. Big bottles
do not usually offer any savings in terms Quinta de la Rosa
of price per millilitre. On the contrary, has made Booths’
because of the high cost of dry goods own-label port for
and the lower sales volumes, the cost of decades. This red
the wine itself is almost always propor- wine is new to the
tionally more when bought in a 1.5-litre range and excellent,
reassuring with a
magnum than it is in a 75cl bottle.
bit of wildness to it.
Though thinking of cost in this way
ignores the showmanship factor. What
you get with magnums is a hefty dose of
spectacle, useful when you’re hosting
a large group for lunch or dinner. Set
down two or three magnums on a long Hereford
dining table and they will exude an air Tempranillo 2020,
of celebration and generosity as well as Argentina
12.5%; Co-op, £5.50
a commitment to relaxation. Dare I say is an elegant chianti classico aged in (the classic 2016 vintage is £23.50 for a
down from £7.25
it, this might even convey more of a Slavonian oak (from forests in eastern magnum; the warm and generous 2018 until 8 November
sense of bonhomie than a more expen- Croatia; it gives a less intense flavour is £24.50). Yapp has Château La Brande
sive wine in the standard 75cl. than French oak). Sangiovese is great if 2016 Castillon, Côtes de Bordeaux, Sweetly ripe, all red
One of the best value magnums I’ve you’re serving steak or porchetta. Think France (yapp.co.uk, £39.50 for a mag- and black fruit, and
found is Sagesse Rouge Pays d’Oc 2020, of pork, slow-cooked, imbued with the num, £17.75 for 75cl). From Italy, I also very easy to drink.
France (Private Cellar, £22 for a mag- flavours of thyme, garlic and fennel, like the damson-and-cherry-scented One for meatballs
num, £10.75 for 75cl), a blend of merlot stuffed into ciabatta with rocket and olive Heba Fattoria di Magliano Morellino di and pasta.
and cabernet sauvignon with a dash of oil, and with it a sangiovese poured from Scansano 2016. It’s a soft, bright and
petit verdot for intensity and peppery a magnum, and you have a mini feast. juicy take on sangiovese (Lea & Sande-
depth. It is a wine designed to fit in – at a Looking around it seems Bordeaux man, £36.50 for a magnum).
lunch party or a wedding – rather than might be the wine that’s most popular Finally, I need to tell you about a
steal attention. I also recommend Podere in a magnum so it’s worth pointing out superb vintage champagne. Cham- The Best Crémant
414 Badilante 2020, Italy (Private Cellar, that red wines (and Champagne) are pagne Legras & Haas Grand Cru Blanc de Limoux Rosé
£27 for a magnum, £13.25 for 75cl). Made thought to age particularly well in this de Blancs 2012, France (Private Cellar, NV, France
from 100 per cent sangiovese grown in bottle size. Lea & Sandeman sells its £111 for a magnum, £55 for 75cl) com- 12%; Morrisons,
the Maremma in Tuscany, it tastes of excellent own-label claret in big bottles bines the warmth of brioche with a £12.50
sweet and sour cherries with a gentle creamy, lemony elegance. A great way
note of firewood. Still on the sangiovese, Two or three magnums set to open a celebratory dinner.
Pale-pink sparkling
wine made in the
there’s Villa Cafaggio Chianti Classico down on a long dining table Of course, it’s not every day that calls foothills of the
RUBY MARTIN
2018, Italy (waitrosecellar.com, £29.99 for a magnum opus. So my wines of the Pyrenees from
for a magnum; the 2019 is widely availa- exude an air of celebration, week are all 75cl bottles, for enjoyment chardonnay, chenin
ble in store as a 75cl bottle, £13.99). This generosity and relaxation any time. blanc and pinot noir.

58
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
SI T W
William Sitwell
EL
L
S

TI
RS
‘The food is magn gni
nifi
ficent,
IT U
civilisation haas hope’
P
The Bear Inn, Shropshire
LOCATION The Bear Inn is like Dart crashing
Drayton Road into Dimorphos. You’ll recall the $300
Hodnet million Nasa probe that, back in Sep-
TF9 3NH tember, deliberately crashed into an
01630-685214 asteroid with the aim of deflecting it on
thebearinnhodnet.
its course by a mere millimetre or two; a
com
trajectory that could have future impli-
cations for our civilisation as we hope to
STAR RATING avoid such objects hitting us.
Thus, after a squillion-pound refit,
The Bear Inn, at Hodnet in Shropshire,
makes impact with a glorious gastro-
LUNCH FOR TWO nomic tremor. Word of its greatness
£50 excluding spreads like ripples. The food and drink
drinks and service is magnificent; civilisation has hope.
If there was a Bear in
every town in Britain our
position in the culinary fir-
mament would be unassaila-
ble. Unfortunately there still
isn’t. The investment is too
risky, the climate too chal-
lenging, you can’t get the
staff, many customers can’t
afford it. We still don’t care quite enough who spent months obsessively trawl- and with a mushy pea blend that would
THE MEN U to demand it. Instead we must embrace ing auction sites. convert the greatest sceptic (me). They
The Bear as a thing as rare as Dart. The menu is British-Mediterranean called it a pea salsa and that’s what I’ll
STARTER
It’s been in the village of Hodnet for and, seemingly to me, tethered – just – demand from now on (except in fish
Crab ravioli, lemon,
fennel, curry donkey’s years, at least since the 16th to a rock of good sense. We shared a and chip shops, unless I feel it’s time to
velouté century when it was a coaching inn, and single crab raviolo, cooked just right get my head kicked in).
recently had a courageous revamp. with a slight bite to the pasta, and with For pud we shared a pistachio souf-
Brave because spending vast sums on a delicious filling and the subtlest hit flé. It arrived beautifully perched, the
MAIN COURSE fancy wallpaper, commissioned furni- of spice in its broth – a curry velouté. risen puff holding its head nobly above
Cod in a spiced ture, leather banquettes and wood pan- Emily then ate cod with fregola and the little pot. I slashed a hole and duly
batter, chips, pea elling isn’t met with instant payback tomato, expertly cooked with a tanta- spooned in the quenelle of soft ice
salsa, tartare sauce when food and drink margins are tight, lising hint of the Med that came in the cream. It was glorious. As was a glass of
•
energy costs are rising and good staff caponata, a lovely blend of aubergine, French vermentino: crisp, light, fruity,
Cod, fregola,
caponata, tomato
are hard to cling on to. olives and capers. balanced and mineral and poured from
Which makes the pleasure of The I, meanwhile, luxuriated in a plate of a bottle that cost just £20. How the hell
Bear all the more sweet. The refit also fish and chips. Presented with the clas- do they do that?
DESSERT seems to have managed that delicate sic elegance and flourish of the likes With utterly charming staff and the
Pistachio soufflé, job of keeping the locals on side. The of Scott’s in London, the fish should be air of slick hospitality and care you get
ice cream bar, framed with wooden joists and held high as a banner of perfection. The at the establishments such as The
beams, bustled with customers while crunchiest batter, the softest of flesh Waterside Inn, The Bear is impeccable.
we set to the lunch menu. Except one thing: those fire surrounds.
The mood of the slick decor – reddish If there was a Bear in every Bumpy granite, clashing with the ele-
wood panels, mushroom-coloured town in Britain our position gant decor, they reminded me of that
walls and deep burgundy leather – is Flinstones-like Stonehenge replica that
lightened by a collection of comic por- in the culinary firmament landed on stage in Spinal Tap. Nasa,
traits, sought, apparently, by the owner would be unassailable send in the exploding probe!

60
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Style

Jumper season is here again:
act accordingly, says fashion
editor Melissa Twigg
Shorter days, sharper winds…
autumn doesn’t feel all that
appealing – until you pull
on an oversized roll-neck
or creamy cable-knit and
remember just how great
a jumper can make you feel.
Newborn babies wear them,
but so do fashion editors, film
stars, farmers and great-
grandmothers wielding a pair of
knitting needles. Few people
have been quite such jumper
champions as Robert Redford,
pictured here playing Hubbell
Gardiner in the cult classic
The Way We Were. Filmed in
1973 but set in 1937, the film
takes place on an American
college campus and Redford is
rarely pictured out of one of
his array of Fair Isle knits. It was
a historically accurate choice: in
the late 1930s, university-aged
GETTY IMAGES
men and women wore jumpers

with everything, and bought Robert Redford in The Way We Were (1973)

them several sizes too large. Jil Sander
In the inter-war period,

chunky knits became a £69, Cos
major trend after the

then Prince of Wales
(later Edward, Duke of
Windsor) began publicly
wearing Fair Isle jumpers Clockwise from far
left Irish folk band
(interestingly, Edward The Clancy Brothers
in 1964. Rapper Kid
and Wallis Simpson are Cudi at the Met Gala
also referenced twice in in 2021. Fishing
in a cable-knit, 1965.
The Way We Were). Soon, A model in skiwear
in 1967. Meg Ryan
similar relaxed-fit, Emanuel
Ungaro
and Billy Crystal
in When Harry Met
heritage styles became Sally (1989)
popular among women too.

Knitwear for autumn is a
timeless trend – but this
season, the styles feel
fresher than ever. At the
shows, designers teamed
thick cable-knits with
slick trousers for men £150, Folk
and leather, snakeskin
or silver-sequin skirts £119, Massimo Dutti
for women – and the
key to wearing silky
summer slips into
winter is adding an
oversized knit on top.
Or, of course, there is
the cold-weather
Bottega Veneta
dream team: jumper,
jeans and boots for an
METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER PICTURES, GETTY IMAGES, SHUTTERSTOCK
autumn excursions that

end with a glass of red
wine beside a pub fi re.
fire.
Comfort and cosiness, but
with all the fun of new-
season dressing.
Meanwhile, over the page,
Lisa Armstrong falls for the
charms of a retro knit… The Knotty £29.50, Marks & Spencer
Ones
Shopping by Sophie Tobin
62 THE TELEGR APH M AGA ZINE 2 2 O C T O B E R 2 02 2
£90, Boden
Baum und
Pferdgarten
£150, Gant
£109, Arket
& Other
Stories
Clockwise from left Rosie

Huntington-Whiteley, 2014.
Brigitte Bardot in 1963. Ingrid
Bergman c1945.
1945. Influencer Lea
Naumann, 2020. Catherine,
Princess of Wales in 2021.
Marilyn Monroe in 1960. Lady
Diana Spencer in 1981. Julianne
Moore, 2019. Adam Driver and
Lady Gaga in House of Gucci
(2021). Influencer Grece
Ghanem in March this year £295, Chinti & Parker

AGE
Lisa Armstrong
LE
S

S
ST
What I wear just about
YL
E
everywhere
(1)
1. Wool Fair Isle tank,
£129, Brora (2) (3)
(broraonline.com)
2. Satin Lip Colour in
Eloquent Soft Plum,
£22, Rose Inc
(libertylondon.com)
3. Cotton crochet tank,
£90, Kitri
(kitristudio.com)
4. Geometric tank, £80,
Boden (boden.co.uk)
5. Burgundy Times Nine
eyeshadow palette,
£28, Mac
(maccosmetics.co.uk)
6. Merino and cotton
Fair Isle tank, £175,
Toast (toa.st)
(6)
Lisa wears: alpaca-
blend tank, £89, Nrby
(nrbyclothing.com).
Herringbone
trousers, £175,
Me+Em (meandem.
com). Leather shoes,
£65, Autograph
(marksandspencer.
com). Leather phone
holder, £34, AllSaints (5)
(allsaints.com).
Jewellery, Lisa’s own.
Above right: tweed
and leather shoes, (4)
£179, LK Bennett
(lkbennett.com)
PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH BRICK. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: TATA HARPER AND LIVING PROOF
I wasn’t sure about the new pat- sleeved Ts. I wear my two (plain) frumpy on older women, I’ve that way you’re maxing out on leg-
terned tank tops to be honest. ones year-round and they’ve been doing stripes. Just as you lengthening tricks. I can see this
They’re too redolent of the ones I extended the number of months can use a plain tank to turn down tank becoming a go-to and also
wore as a child of the ’70s. And the when I can wear a cotton shirt. I the volume on a busy blouse or looking quite sophisticated with all
problem with being a child of the have an oatmeal round-neck tank dress, a patterned tank’s a man- the tan and taupe shades out there.
’70s is the photos. They’re invari- from Me+Em, and a navy lamb- ageable way to inject some colour A Parisian make-up artist
ably awful (it’s mainly the terrible swool one with a slightly indented and print into a plain outfit. A recently suggested wearing
feather-cut hair, but still). V-neck from &Daughter, and I crisp white, navy or pink shirt aubergine powder on my eyelids
Alas, patterned tanks are every- wear them on rotation – over cot- underneath will be just the ticket as it can be softer and more uplift-
where – stripes, Fair Isles – and it’s ton ribbed vests on those balmy on cooler days – smart, and much ing with blue eyes than brown.
my duty to try these things… days October can dazzle us with, more comfortable than trying to Off I trotted to the Mac counter,
In principle I now love knitted and with contrasting cardigans layer a shirt under a jumper. for one of its handbag-sized pal-
vests, as retailers have rebranded when it’s colder. They’re also eas- The barrel-leg trousers are ettes of taupe, brown and auber-
them. They’re made for the Brit- ier to wear under a blazer than a another autumn talking point. Not gine. She was right – first outing,
ish climate. A layering item blouse – no collar or sleeves to get the best name, but the way they lots of compliments – and for day,
par excellence, they work over in the way. accentuate waists and skim over I choose a berry lipstick with a
dresses (you can use one to slim But pattern is a whole new ball- thighs makes them worth a try. biscuity eyeshadow and plum
down the volume of a loose game. I’ve gone in easy. Rather They’re especially good with a liner. Nineteen-seventies meets
summer dress), shirts and long- than Fair Isle, which can look small heel and a tucked-in top as 1990s. It’s not all gloom.

FUTU
RE
Jan Masters
PR

O
OF
The ultimate DIY facial
BE
AU T Y
– a steal at £12
A step-by-step guide to compliments This week

about my skin
salon-style pampering when I use it. I am mostly...
at home Sweep across the
face and let it dry.
Now apply a comforting mask,
On the rare occasion I have a such as Q+A’s Vitamin ACE Warming
facial, I tend to fall asleep. Not Gel Mask (£8.50, qandaskin.com),
that I get bored, I just find a face which is full of superfood nutrients.
massage more soporific than Massage for 30 seconds, using the
a full-body rub-down. When it’s flats of your fingers to smooth and
done well, there’s no doubt it lift upwards and outwards. Leave Enjoying Glossier Stretch
can give your skin a clean, gorgeous glow. But the mask on for 10 to 15 minutes. Concealer (£17, glossier.com).
Very light in texture, it covers
here’s my question: when your budget is tight, But wait, here’s a fab and fancy step. Treat
a small patch of rosacea on
can you go the DIY route and obtain a gratifying yourself to a Marie Reynolds London Eye Spa my cheek without caking and
result, and if so, what would be the price tag? mask (£18 for five, mariereynoldslondon.com). making it look worse.
I’ve lined up some top-performing products Reynolds is an expert in skincare, with a prac-
with a professional pedigree and crunched the tice clinic in Norfolk. She also does guest spots
numbers to see how much an individual facial in Fortnum & Mason in London, and really
would cost after you’d shelled out on the initial knows her stuff. Hook the fabric mask over
purchases, based on using the products for a your ears to keep it in place. Instantly, the eye
minimum of 10 facials, with some lasting longer. pads will start to heat up. Complete with cam-
The answer is £12. Not bad when the average omile, they are so soothing.
price of a basic facial is about £50, often more. The last step is serum (you can then finish
OK, so you can’t replicate flashy add-ons such as with your usual moisturiser if you wish), and
dermabrasion. But with these products, you’re I love the Midas Touch Super Serum by Emma
sure to notice a difference. I have. Hardie (£58, emmahardie.com), also a renowned
Envying those who possess
First, set the scene. Banish children, dogs and facialist. This is offers impressive hydration.
Chanel’s new Les 4 Ombres Tweed
partners, and make a space for yourself. Light a If you want to add an extra touch to your Brun et Rose eyeshadow palette
candle. Put on some music. Or Netflix. And start facial, try using a jade face roller like the one (£67, chanel.com). Might be too
with a deep cleanse. An oil-based cleanser from Lumity (£25, lumitylife.co.uk). It’s gorgeous to mess up, though. I still
will budge the last remnants of grime designed to aid lymphatic drainage, have a palette from 2007, pressed
and make-up, and d S u p e r Facialist’s
Super F a c i a l i st’s reduce puffiness and relax muscles. to look like sequins. Untouched,
Vitamin C+ Skin Re enew Cleansing
Renew Clleansing Oil Repeating these motions five times, it’s now a museum piece.
(£12, boots.com) haas start at the chin and roll the largest end
a great scent and tex x- of the jade roller along your jawline
ture. Massage in welll, in an upwards motion. Then work
add water to make a from the corners of your nose, out-
milky lotion, then wards towards your ear. Next,
rinse off. using the smaller end, start at the Above: Marie
Next, exfoliate inner corner of your eye and gently Reynolds
with a PHA (poly- roll towards the temple, before fin-
fin- London Eye
hydrox y acid) ishing with the larger end, rolling Spa mask.
and BHA ( b eta from eyebrow to hairline, covering Left: Gatineau
hydroxy acid) by your forehead. Repeat the whole Exfoliating
salon specialist process twice on both sides of your PHA+BHA
Embracing giving more
Gatineau. Its Glow face. If you like the sensation of Glow Tonique;
compliments (without being
To n i q u e ( £ 3 0, coolness on your skin, store the Super Facialist
GETTY IMAGES
sickly and insincere, of course)

gatineau.com) has roller in the fridge for a while Vitamin C+ because I think it bucks people
a very sophisti- beforehand. Call it cold comfort Skin Renew up. Sometimes, the modern world
cated feel; I get that’s actually positive. Cleansing Oil seems too judgmental and critical.

68
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2
Richard Madeley

Agony unclle
Dear Marieke
I defy anyone to finish reading your
letter without coming to the same
conclusion I did. One thing is
glaringly obvious, above all else. You
are not remotely ready to settle down.
(And neither, I suspect, is your
boyfriend.) Let’s face facts. When
you’re not together, your thoughts
turn to other men, and the enticing
possibilities of having sex with them.
Almost at once you experience
something close to panic, even
resentment, at the notion of being
forbidden from enjoying dalliances
with men you haven’t even met.
And that’s just what’s going on
inside your head. If you both embark
on this ‘hall pass’ arrangement, and
actually put these fantasies into
practice, there’s every chance one or
both of you may meet someone you
are prepared to commit to fully.
Dear Richard th
hinkking thhese thhings, yet not You feel Marieke, there’s absolutely nothing
I’m 29 and at a crossroads. I’ve wanting to regret that I didn’t resentment wrong with not being ready to settle
moved away from York after 10 just go for it and explore what’s down. Either you are, or you aren’t.
years, and have plans to move in out there.
at the notion You aren’t. My strong advice is to put
with my partner of two years. My partner is the calmest, most of being this relationship firmly on ice while
you pursue happiness elsewhere.
We’ve had a long-distance understanding person, and he forbidden Go out and grab life by the horns.
relationship until now, and happily listens and takes my dalliances Find out what it is you really want.
although I spent two months thoughts on board. I’ve with men
living in his city with him in broached the possibility of you haven’t Dear Richard
spring, we had another spell of obtaining a ‘hall pass’ before and I am an 85-year-old widow in
being apart in the summer. he said that it’s fine if it will help
even met
poor health. I have two married
I find when we are apart, I feel me grow as a person, but it sons, one without children who
much more ‘out of sight, out of means he will be given the same lives near me, the other with two
mind’ rather than ‘absence permission to sleep around too. small children who lives overseas.
makes the heart grow fonder’. I didn’t want that when we I have no other relatives.
I frequently find myself thinking discussed it so I ended the After my husband died, my
that I never got ‘my time’: time to conversation, but now I’m sons encouraged me to move
flirt with strangers, experience thinking maybe I wouldn’t mind. closer to one or other of them;
a one-night stand, and so on. It might ruin everything if I do I bought a house in the village
When we are apart for long this, but I don’t know if these where I now live and have been
periods, these thoughts grow thoughts will ever stop being
RON NUMBER
here for 11 years.

and grow and I end up feeling so prominent in my head. When my health began to
like I’m a bad person for even — Marieke, Manchester deteriorate recently I started
looking for a more manageable Dear Elizabeth Your sons ramping up of technology,
property. Suddenly I saw my The problem at the moment is that accelerated by the pandemic,
have a clear

you are having to second-guess and in part I think to the gently
son’s house on the market. I was duty of care
everything. You’re desperately short of
devastated. I called him intensifying foibles of middle
repeatedly, and two days later he
hard information and you can’t begin to you – and age, she tends to get more
to make sensible plans until you get it.
picked up the phone: he and his Your sons have a clear duty of care to you should anxious about things. She has
wife are disenchanted with life you, their mother, and you should not not feel the started wanting to book
feel the slightest guilt about calling it
in the UK and are moving to
in, Elizabeth. They’re grown-ups and
slightest everything in advance so the trip
Botswana, where she was they need to act like it. guilt about is planned out weeks before
brought up. we’ve left home. Sometimes this
I suggest a family conference to calling it in
Obviously they are free to live discuss the situation. If the son is unavoidable; sometimes,
their lives as they see fit and currently living abroad can’t make it indeed, it’s a good thing. But on
I have managed to live pretty home for that, he can join via Zoom or the last couple of trips I have
even phone camera. The important
independently until recently, thing is that both your boys realise
started to miss the easygoing
but now my health is declining they have to act with kindness and spontaneity of our travels before
rapidly. The thought of a care responsibility. They’ll obviously need 2020 – not to mention having
home frightens me rigid. to consult with each other beforehand, some say in where we go and
Do you think I should discuss so give them time to do that. It might what we do when we get there.
help if you laid out what you see as the
relocating to be closer to this various possibilities, in the same way
I have gently raised this with
son, or my other son? Social care as you have in your letter to me. her and she got really defensive.
may be better where they live But this family summit should take However, I’d like to regain a
than it is here, or it may be place soon. It’s simply not right for you greater sense of agency. Is there
feasible for me to live with them. to be left twisting in the wind like this, a way I can edge us towards
fretting and distressed.
However, I can’t help thinking some sort of compromise?
Show your sons this letter if you
they would have brought the think it will help. Good luck, Elizabeth. — Rob, via email
subject up if the prospect was
palatable to them. Dear Rob
I have always dreaded Dear Richard Let’s try to boil this down to the
essentials. If you return to the
becoming a burden to my boys I always really enjoyed travelling
freewheeling holiday experience,
but I can’tt help feeling a little with my wife – it was a relaxed your wife is going to be consumed by
underwhelmed by them at the experience and we made quite anxiety. You’re right – people change
moment. Can you advise me? spontaneous decisions together. as they get older and she wants more
— Elizabeth, via email However, thanks in part to the certainty when she travels than once
she did. You, on the other hand, are
increasingly bored by what amount
to package holidays, everything safely
and securely arranged in advance.
How to square the circle?
Well, a bold solution would be to
take separate holidays. Would your
marriage accommodate that? Or
would one or both of you be lonely?
You could always experiment with
a brief trip apart – maybe a five-day
break. If it worked for both of you,
next time you could give it 10 days. At
least have a think about this.
A compromise might be a break-
within-a-break. You travel somewhere
together on your wife’s terms, but
after a few days you head off alone
into the wide blue yonder for, say, a
week. Then you meet up again to
spend the last few days together.
Whatever you decide, don’t forget
to send me a postcard!
Have a question for Richard?

Write to Dear Richard,
The Daily Telegraph, 111 Buckingham
Palace Road, London SW1W 0DT, or
email DearRichard@telegraph.co.uk
70
2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2
79
2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2
81
The way we live now

So, how has it come to this?
It’s the two-letter word that no politician on the Today programme can start a sentence without.
Old hand Christopher Howse and young gun Guy Kelly are very clear on their position
When I was letters no hard edges. If I had not So, I want to be saying it at 8.10am), but we have Sil-
editor it would defanged them, they might easily very clear with icon Valley to blame for its ubiquity.
often be difficult break a valve or two on the this column, The early tech bros loved an
to open the front receiving apparatus. because I think it’s introductory ‘So’; it both served as
door of The Daily There are plenty of infuriating really important a conversational filler and gave
Telegraph’s offices verbal fillers: sort of, I mean, you that you hear my the slightly patronising air of
first thing in the morning, because know, um… There are empty position on this. At some point over ‘allow me to explain this in a way
the postman had left such a heap phrases used only by ministers; ‘at the last few years, it has seemingly you’ll understand’. By the mid-
of readers’ missives complaining pace’ is the current champion in become physically impossible for a noughties, much of that jargon
about people on the wireless mocking the listener. But to start politician to start a sentence with- drifted across the Atlantic and
beginning their remarks: ‘So…’ off with the verbal equivalent of out using one of a handful of utterly into UK media-training rooms.
The question is: why? Why is it treading on the dog and making it redundant stock phrases. Tony Blair’s advisors absorbed
annoying, and why do they do it? bark is deranged. What I will say is that I think the it. David Cameron, the absolute
It must be annoying partly Perhaps the speakers want a key thing to remember is that what so-and-so, made it his lingua
because ‘So’ implies that some- fanfare. They could bring a bugle they want to really get across to you franca, and then went one further,
thing has come before. So is a con- into the studio or inflate a paper is that they are being completely stealing Barack Obama’s ‘I want to
junction. To start an appearance bag and burst it. Better would be if clear. ‘So’ came first. Everyone from be clear’ catchphrase and muddy-
by saying ‘So’ is like beginning: Martha or Mishal borrowed Nick Shakespeare to F Scott Fitzgerald ing it until it was utterly opaque.
‘And another thing…’ Robinson’s souvenir Manchester started sentences with it (the A decade and three increasingly
I think it was for that reason United Acme Thunderer 660 famous final line in The Great Gatsby inarticulate prime ministers later,
that the great 18th-century actor- whistle and sent the offender for a reads a little less dreamily when you we have reached a lowest ebb. Tune
manager Samuel Foote, when he very early bath. imagine a testy Kwasi Kwarteng into a morning interview on Today
challenged the actor Charles to get an earful. There, on The Great
Macklin to prove his claim to be British So-ing Bee, you not only
able to memorise lines at a single have to hunt for a crouton of sub-
hearing, made it more difficult for stance in the oceans of clarity, but
him by beginning the bit of non- weigh that against Nick Robinson
sense he set: ‘So she went into the pleading when he interrupts.
garden to cut a cabbage-leaf to ‘Forgive me,’ Robinson will say,
make an apple-pie; and at the ‘but you haven’t exactly been clear.’
same time a great she-bear, com- A hapless cabinet minister will pro-
ing up the street, pops its head test. ‘So, Nick, I think the PM has
into the shop. “What! No soap?”’ set out her position on this and it’s
There’s also a psychological really important that your listeners
reason for the annoyance-power understand we’re being clear.’
of ‘So’ – its indication of defiance: ‘Forgive me,’ Robinson will
‘So, you’re the one making all the repeat, as if what he’s trying to
noise,’ ‘So, you think you know explain, if they’ll just let him, is that
how to milk a cow.’ he’s run over their cat. The minis-
Why, then, do people invited ter will press ahead. ‘So, Nick, what
on to Today do it? Why provoke I will say is that it’s vital the elector-
me before my first cup of coffee? ate knows where we’re coming
ANN MACLEOD
They are not to know that the from…’ An optimistic silence.

slippers I lob at the wireless are ‘… Which is that we’ve been clear
special throwing-slippers with from the start.’

2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2
83
84
2 2 O c T O b e r 2 02 2

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takes it all

Document: 1001CC-DTMTM-1-221022-A001C-TM.pdf;Format:(230.00 x 270.00 mm);Date: 17.Oct 2022 17:52:41; Telegraph

AGON Y UNCLE Three years on from

Plenty in the tank: the Mastering the art

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11am I do some work. It hit me to do with Jack Grealish. I’ve

1pm I collect Jasmine from class. to a concert. My wife still

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‘I’m not going

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involved. She has learnt that ‘you

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‘Strictly is tits, teeth and tinsel.

had agoraphobia or schizophrenia. I think mine is a job

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‘My job gives me perspective.

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where everything went so catastrophically wrong – and why.

Right: the Duke and Duchess of York with their daughters,

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monarchy as a whole, is a future template for how he feels he

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one close associate. ‘The feeling that he has been treated

Left: with his mother in 1973. Above: with Virginia Giuffre

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2 2 O c t O b e r 2 02 2 the telegr aph M aga zine 25

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thick, warm air

So when he launched Finisterre in now. Fleeces, which have been around

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I wore to Fashion fleece, which is particularly chunky.

Week was made of

It was outside of fleece tends to have less of a CLO value

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‘I thought, “I’ve got

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ordeals. A one-time contestant on

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‘We’ve seen this was a surprise. ‘We initially

goods to from the top of the tree. This

experiences; That takes so much energy, and

to outdo for a week after the trip, I didn’t

now’ Desert Island Survival even offers

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