ULTIMATE GUIDE TO

Toddler Meltdowns

Hey there! You downloaded this guide because you know a toddler who is
having some big feelings!

As a psychotherapist who has supported many families, worked with many

young children, and who has my own young child, I have dealt with my fair
share of “tantrums” or “meltdowns.” What I have learned through my training
and experience is that meltdowns are a perfect opportunity to build
attachment and teach new skills.
 LET'S TALK ABOUT MELTDOWNS

As toddlers deal with the difficulties of everyday life, their stress hormone
increases. Just as when you deal with the difficulties of everyday life, your
stress hormone increases. However, unlike you, toddlers do not yet have the
ability to regulate these emotions. Their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain
that allows them to express emotions through words) is not yet developed.

What this means is that when they experience a strong emotion, they don’t
have the ability to cope with it using words. Your toddler is designed to
regulate their emotions without using words. What does this look like? You
guessed it… crying and, for many toddlers, tantrums/meltdowns.

This is why traditional methods of punishment like timeouts/spanking, or even

just yelling a child out of a tantrum. don’t typically work well. The child doesn’t
have the skills you may expect them to have to calm themselves. We can try
these methods to calm tantrums, but ultimately what will work best is teaching
them the skills that are lagging or helping them learn new ways to deal with
their big emotions.

It is important to note that tantrums are not done to manipulate us, to control
us, or to drive us crazy as parents (although it may drive us crazy). Instead,
tantrums are a physiological reaction from toddlers that helps them restore
equilibrium in their bodies.

EVERY DAY IN A HUNDRED WAYS OUR CHILDREN ASK,

“DO YOU SEE ME? DO YOU HEAR ME? DO I MATTER?”
THEIR BEHAVIOUR OFTEN REFLECTS OUR RESPONSE.

L.R.Knost
 THE PAST IMPACTS THE PRESENT:
THE IMPACT OF OUR STORIES

Yep, we're going there. We are going to talk about your parents and how your
unique experience impacts your style as a parent.

You may be wondering… ”Why are we going there? Can’t you just give us a
bunch of strategies and call it a day?”

The honest answer is we could give you a bunch of tools and strategies to help
you navigate your child’s big emotions, but we wouldn’t be helping you in the
same way. Unless we can understand our own emotions and how they relate to
our children, we will be missing a huge piece of the puzzle. Each of us has a
unique backstory that makes us the parent that we are! This story is so
important, and needs to be looked at in order to truly support our kids and
create an environment that helps them feel emotionally safe.

We understand that it can be incredibly hard to dig into your own experience.
Go through this section slowly, and please reach out for professional support if
you feel there is unresolved issues in your childhood or pieces of your story
that you want to explore more deeply.

Are you ready? Let’s get into it.

Perhaps you were raised by amazing parents and you want to parent just like
them. Perhaps you were raised by parents who were hurtful and you want to
be nothing like them. Or perhaps you are somewhere in between, and you are
working on finding your own identity as a parent. No matter where you fall, it is
important to be aware of the ways that your unique/complex story impacts
who you are as a parent.

If we don’t take time to reflect on our past experiences, they can very easily
impact our present experience as parents, whether or not we are aware of it.
As you prepare to create an emotionally safe home for your children, here are
some important questions to reflect on and journal about.
What are some of the key messages you received as a child (about your
feelings, intelligence, skills/abilities)?
What stands out most to you about your childhood?
In what ways did your parents have a positive influence on you that you
would want to pass on to your child?
Is there anything about your parent’s approach that you would not want to
recreate with your child?
Are there significant events that stand out to you about your childhood that
you think may be impacting your current parenting style?
Is there anything about your childhood that you feel unresolved resentment
or bitterness towards?

Unpacking these questions can stir up a lot of emotions. Be sure to talk to a

trusted person in your life and/or a professional about your answers to help
you process them. In order to create emotionally safe homes for our children,
we need to start with being self-aware and understanding how our own
childhood impacts us currently as parents.

When your child is engaging in challenging behaviour, think of how your past
may impact our present feelings towards our child. Ask yourself:
Why does this behaviour bother me?
What might my child be trying to tell me through this behaviour?
What stories am I telling myself when my child engages in this behaviour?
What do I believe about my child in this moment?
Do I have reasonable expectations for my child?

Before moving on to the next part of this guide, take time to reflect on the
questions outlined above. Reflecting on your unique experience helps you:
Develop self-awareness about your present parenting strategies
Develop an awareness of what you want to recreate as a parent and what
you want to let go of.
Develop a deep and rich understanding of your child’s behaviour that can
help you connect with your child.
Develop emotional safety within yourself that can be given to your child.
 4 C’S TO HELPING TODDLERS WITH MELTDOWNS

Whew… now that we have dug into our own histories and have a deeper
understanding of who we are as parents, let’s talk about how we can help our
kids cope with big feelings using Our Mama Village’s 4 C’s Approach!

1. Connection:

The most important piece to remember is that a solid relationship with our
children is the foundation of helping them cope with their big feelings. They
need to know they are safe with us, that they can share with us openly, and
that we care about their feelings. There are many ways to build a solid
connection with your child before they are in the moment of a big feeling:
Play with them.
Engage with them in activities that they enjoy.
Talk to them about their day.
Validate their feelings and let them know you are listening to them.
Laugh together.
Watch a funny show or read a book together.
Tell them how much you enjoy spending time together.
Show up for the important events in their life.

2. Calm:

Children will have big emotions. This is just a fact. There will be times when
they will lose it, get upset, won't want to hear no, and feel mad at you. This is
ok. It is our job to remain calm. We don’t want to join their chaos, instead we
want to show them how we eventually want them to respond to difficult
feelings or situations. We want to model the behaviour we want to see.

Important Reminders:
Did you know that most toddlers don’t have the ability to regulate their
emotions yet? It may be an unrealistic expectation that our toddlers are calm
all of the time! If we expect that they will have meltdowns, we can be
prepared to stay calm when they do.
 If you are having a hard time staying calm, it is ok to take a break and come
back. Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and imagine your happy
place, or step out of the room and let your child know you will be back!
We can set boundaries while we are calm. It is ok for our child to feel upset,
but not ok for them to hit us or yell at us.

Sentence Starters:
“You want that cookie really bad, it is hard when mommy says no.”
“I can see you don’t want to leave right now, but it is time to go. Do you
want to walk or jump to the car?”
“You really want to read a book, but it is time for sleep. Do you want to turn
off the lights or should I?”

3. Consistent:

It is a child’s job to test the boundaries, and it is our job as parents to stay
consistent. Responding consistently helps our children know what to expect
from us, helps them have a constant role model for emotional regulation, and
builds stability in the home. If our child is having a meltdown, we can see it as
an opportunity to connect with them and teach them new ways of responding!

Being consistent with our kids means:

We are clear about what the family rules are. We know what is negotiable
and non-negotiable in our family and our kids do as well.
We respond to their meltdown in a similar way each time. We are teaching
them how to be calm when they have big feelings!
Our child knows what to expect from us.
Our child knows we always love them no matter how they act.
Our child knows that we will follow through with the expectations we set,
and that our expectations will be reasonable!

4. Curious:

Repeat after me: Behaviour is never just behaviour. When our child is having a
meltdown or a big feeling, we want to be curious. WHY is this behaviour
happening? Once we understand the reason, we can best support our child.
A few reasons why meltdowns happen:

Child is hungry or tired.

Have they had enough to eat today? Have they had enough sleep? Is it close
to nap time or bedtime?
Get curious! Would it be helpful for them to have a snack or some rest time?

Child is craving attention.

Children need attention. Sometimes if they aren’t feeling like this need is
met, they may seek out attention in the form of getting in trouble or parents
being upset with them.
Consider this as a need for connection. When they are out of the meltdown
or engaging in calm behaviour, try to find moments for positive attention!
Get curious! Is it possible that your child has been lonely or bored? How
could you connect with them?

Child wants to remove themselves from a non preferred task or activity.

Consider if the child's meltdown helps them remove themselves from
something they don’t enjoy, such as chores, homework, playing with a friend
they don’t get along with, or going to daycare.
Get curious if the meltdown often results in the child removing themselves
from a non-preferred task or activity. If it does, think about new ways you
can teach your child to ask for a break or to stop engaging in an activity.

Child is feeling overwhelmed.

Did they have a busy day? Are there too many lights on? Is the music too
loud? Have they had more contact with other people than they typically do?
Get curious about how you can teach your child ways to ask for a break or
cope with feelings of overwhelm.

Child wants access to a preferred activity or item.

Is the child upset because they want a favourite toy or activity? Has a
preferred item or activity been taken away recently?
Get curious about how to teach your child new language to respond to
wanting an activity or item.
 4 PRACTICAL STRATEGIES TO TRY
DURING A MELTDOWN:

1. Practice the art of "being with."

During a meltdown, stay near your toddler. Don’t add too much extra language
(see next point) and don’t add any more demands. It is important to let your
child know that they are seen, that you are there, and that when they have
finished getting out this behaviour you'll be there to talk with them about what
is going on. When you're “being with” your toddler – you can just be near them.

It is important to remember that whatever demands they place on you, or the

words they say, are just a part of the meltdown and not things that you should
follow through with in the moment. For example: “Mommmmyy I need the
bear…. No Mommmmyy no bear….. Daddddyyy I need milk….. Daddddyyy no
milk.” (If you have been with a toddler in a meltdown, you know the demands
I'm talking about!). Let them know that once they are calm you can talk about
their requests, and wait with them as they work through these big feelings.

Remember as you wait with them to also take care of yourself. It is ok if you
need to take some space or close your eyes and take some deep breaths. These
moments can be really tough and it is important to care for yourself as well.

2. The louder they talk, the softer you talk.

When your child is in a tantrum, yelling at them will often cause them to match
your tone and feel they have to yell louder in order for you to hear them.
Instead of yelling, talk in a quiet voice. This will help your child tune into what
you are saying, and they will need to quiet their voice in order to hear yours.

Further, just as your child doesn’t have the skills yet to regulate their strong
emotions with words, they also don’t have the skills yet to understand what
you are saying to them when they are in these moments of strong emotions.
Keep your language at a minimum – use short and clear directions.
3. Teach the words and skills they need.

Of all of the points we share with you today, this may be the most important. In
these early years, our children are learning everything from us. They are like
little sponges soaking up our responses and learning from our teaching. Once
your child has calmed down, you have an amazing opportunity to help them
verbalize what just happened. Emotional regulation and verbalizing emotions is
a skill that needs to be taught, just like brushing teeth or eating with a fork.

Teaching Through Reflection:

Try labelling what happened to them in a calm and empathetic way. Help them
hear what happened and practice using skills that will help them express their
need without a meltdown (asking for a break, taking space, deep breathing…).
For example:
“It’s really hard for you when Daddy has to leave for work. You feel sad that
you can’t come with.”
“You are feeling sad right now, it’s hard to share your toys.”
“You feel really mad with Tommy when he takes your toys. It is really hard.
How can we tell Tommy how you feel?”

Teaching Through Play:

If there are certain situations that you find keep coming back up with your
toddler, try spending time practicing different responses with your child
through play! Either role play the challenging situation with your child or use
toys to play out the challenging situation and come up with new ways of
coping. Play is an excellent way to teach new skills!

4. Notice the behaviour you want to see.

Another fantastic way to teach new skills to notice the behaviour you want to
see more of. Reflecting back to your child what you see them doing.

Some examples:
“You took deep breaths when your friend took your toy!”
"I love how you asked for Mommy so calmly."
"You asked Daddy for a break when we had lots of friends over!”
 OUR JOB ISN’T TO JOIN OUR CHILD’S CHAOS, BUT TO
REMAIN OUR CHILD’S CALM IN THE CHAOS.

Tantrums can be so difficult. We want to remind you that it is so important to

give yourself and your child compassion, as you and your child both learn to
navigate these tantrums!!

Behaviour is complex, and there is so much more we would love to unpack with
you about toddler behaviour and big feelings in little kids!

Join over 30,000 parents just like you who want to learn more about parenting
young children on our Instagram page! @ourmamavillage

Can’t wait to talk to you soon,

Jess
What Tantrums Don t Mean:
I hate you.
You are mean.
You are a bad parent.
I’m a bad child.
’
I’m manipulating you.
I need you to meet every demand that
I’m yelling.
I need you to punish me.

What Tantrums Do Mean:

I’m overwhelmed.
I’m trying to tell you about a need I have.
I’m possibly hungry, tired, overwhelmed, lonely, or angry and I don’t
know how to handle that yet.
I need to learn a new way to ask you for this need when I am calm.
I’m new at figuring out big feelings.
My brain can’t understand you when I’m feeling this much emotion.
I need you to be calm so I can figure out these feelings.
I don’t want to be acting this way.
I’m watching how you respond to my big feelings so I know how to
respond next time.
I love you and feel safe with you.
set clear boundaries
to decrease confusion in your home by knowing your 
NEGOTIABLES & NON-NEGOTIABLES

Examples...

WEARING CLOTHES TO DAYCARE?

NON-NEGOTIABLE
WHICH CLOTHES YOU WEAR?
NEGOTIABLE

BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?

NON-NEGOTIABLE
BRUSHING YOUR TEETH BEFORE OR
AFTER PUTTING ON PAJAMAS?
NEGOTIABLE

NO TELEVISION SHOWS UNTIL

HOMEWORK IS DONE?
NON-NEGOTIABLE

WHICH SHOW YOU WATCH AFTER

HOMEWORK IS DONE?
NEGOTIABLE
@OURMAMAVILLAGE
 Setting Boundaries
When Kids are
Hitting You
Sounds like you are really upset
right now, but I can't understand
you when you hit me. Could you
try talking instead?
and if they don't stop hitting...
I'm going to have to hold your
hand down until you stop
hitting me, then we can talk.
Wow sounds like
you're really mad,
hitting isn’t going to
solve it. Let’s rewind
and try again.
Mommy’s going to
wait until you are
I hear you're really mad,
done hitting to talk
but it is not ok for you
more about this,
to hit me, let's try
hitting's not ok.
talking instead.
Sounds like you need
I’m going to wait over here
some time to calm down,
until your hands are calm.
how can we practice
that?
When you're ready I 'm here to
I can’t understand you talk about what's bothering you.
when you're hitting, can
you try telling me
what’s wrong?