PARENTING 101

Effective Parenting Session

PARENTING
Parenting or nurturing a child is the
process of promoting and supporting
the physical, emotional, social, and
intellectual development of a child
from infancy to adulthood.
GUIDELINES FOR PARENT
CHILD RELATIONSHIPS
 Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something
fun with your child.
 Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
 Never give an order, request, or command without being
able to enforce it at the time.
 Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior
in the same manner as much as possible.
 Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
 Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
 Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he
or she performs the undesirable behavior.
 Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not
enough to say, “Your room is messy.” Messy should be
specified in terms of exactly what is meant: “You’ve left
dirty clothes on the floor, dirty plates on your desk, and your
bed is not made.”
 Once you have stated your position and the child attacks that
position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the
position once more and then stop responding to the attacks.
 Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too
much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired
goal.
 Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your
children’s behavior.
 If one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters the
room, that other person should not step in on the argument
in progress.
 Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal
praise, touch or something tangible such as a toy, food or
money.
 Both of you should have an equal share in the
responsibility of discipline as much as possible.
THE “3 FS” OF EFFECTIVE
PARENTING
Discipline should be:
 Firm: Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the
inappropriate behavior occurs.
 Fair: The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior,
consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh
punishment is not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used
consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time
like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe only one Time Out is
received.
 Friendly: Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting a children know
they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed
upon” consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to
avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for
appropriate behavior.
THE PARENT AS
TEACHER/COACH
See your role as that of a teacher or coach to your children.
Demonstrate in detail how you would like them to behave. Have
them practice the behavior. Give them encouragement along with
constructive criticism.
 Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with
your children.
 Rather than tell them what not to do, teach and show them what
they should do.
 Use descriptive praise when they do something well. Say, “I like
how you ____ when you ____.” Be specific.
 Help your child learn to express how he feels. Say: “You seem
frustrated.” “How are you feeling?” “Are you up set?” “You
look like you are angry about that.” “It’s O.K. to feel that
way.”
 Try to see a situation the way your children do. Listen
carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how it
would look to them.
 Use a soft, confident tone of voice to redirect them when they
are upset.
 Be a good listener: Use good eye contact. Physically get down
to the level of smaller children. Don’t interrupt. Ask open
ended questions rather than questions that can be answered
with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.
 Make sure they understand directions. Have them repeat
them back.
 When possible give them choices of when and how to
comply with a request.
 Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too
much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired
goal.
 Develop a nonverbal sign (gesture) that your children will
accept as a signal that they are being inappropriate and
need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond
to your prompt without getting upset.
THE USE OF REWARD IN
POSITIVE PARENTING
When ever possible try to use reward and praise to motivate your
child to improve their behavior.
For younger children you can use “grandma’s rule.” Say, “When
you have picked up all your clothes, you may go out and play.”
Be sure you use “when” rather than “if.”
Combine reward with time out for serious disruptive or defiant
behaviors. Say, “Every time you ____, you will have a ____ time
out. If you can go the whole (day, afternoon, etc.) without getting
a time-out, you will earn ____..
12 PARENTING
SKILLS
PARENTING SKILL #1: FOCUS MORE ON YOUR
CHILDREN’S POSITIVE BEHAVIOR THAN
NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR.
The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad
behavior gets repeated. When they receive a lot of scolding,
children start to internalize the belief that “I’m a bad child
who misbehaves and gets scolded”. As such, they don’t feel
motivated to correct their behavior, because it has already
become a part of their identity.
PARENTING SKILL #2: TEACH YOUR
CHILDREN TO FOCUS ON THE NEEDS OF
OTHERS.
If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives,
teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in
activities where they get to help others and make a positive
impact. When your children think more in terms of
contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on
the path of building a meaningful life.
PARENTING SKILL #3: DON’T
SHOUT AT YOUR CHILDREN.
The more you shout at your children, the more their behavior will worsen. Instead of trying to
control your children’s behavior, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical
reasoning to get through to them.
If you have trouble controlling your anger, try these tips:
 Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety
 Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry
 Walk away from the situation if necessary
 Take five deep breaths when you become agitated
 Avoid using threats
 Analyze the role you have to play in the conflict
 Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he
might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious behavior
PARENTING SKILL #4: GIVE YOUR CHILDREN
RESPONSIBILITIES AROUND THE HOUSE.
Household responsibilities teach children important life
lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard
work. People who learn such lessons early in life are more
likely to become well-adjusted adults. Successful parents
make household chores a part of the family’s routine and
culture. This sets children up for future success.
PARENTING SKILL #5: BUILD A
STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH
YOUR SPOUSE.
Children from low-conflict families are happier and more
successful in the long run, as compared to children from
high-conflict families. The research shows that parents who
have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children
who are well-adjusted. One of the most important things
you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong
relationship with your spouse.
To build a strong marriage tips:
 Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame
 Remember that the relationship is more important than being right
 Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café
 Make time to talk every day
 Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get
from the relationship?”
 Discuss your future plans together
 Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws
 Compliment your spouse in front of other people
 Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”
 Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages
 Be kind and polite to your spouse
PARENTING SKILL #6: TEACH YOUR
CHILDREN TO VIEW CHALLENGES
POSITIVELY.
Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going
to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot
through the process of overcoming these challenges.” On the
other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges
and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something
easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll
find a shortcut instead.” These differing attitudes develop in
childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their
skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.
PARENTING SKILL #7: DON’T DO THINGS FOR
YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOUR CHILDREN
SHOULD DO THEMSELVES.
Parents want their children to be responsible and independent. But, at the same time, they
feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their
children ought to do themselves.
 Don’t do things for your children that are their own responsibility
 Let your children make age-appropriate choices
 Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices
 As far as possible, refrain from saying “You’re too young to…”
 Don’t allow your children to become the center of your universe
 Let your children fail
 Ask your children, “How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?”
PARENTING SKILL #8: HELP
YOUR CHILDREN DEVELOP
SOCIAL SKILLS.
Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children
develop:
 Sharing
 Listening
 Giving feedback
 Not interrupting
 Accepting differences
 Resolving conflicts
 Respecting others’ rights and property
 Disagreeing respectfully
 Identifying others’ feelings
 Cooperating
 Seeing things from others’ perspective
 Helping others
 Making eye contact
 Complimenting others
 Managing negative emotions
 Being polite
 Asking for help
PARENTING SKILL #9: GUIDE YOUR
CHILDREN WITHOUT CONTROLLING OR
MICROMANAGING THEM.
Three types of parenting styles in general:
 Permissive: The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s
unreasonable demands too often. The parent doesn’t set consistent
boundaries or rules. Children with permissive parents often become
“spoiled”.
 Authoritarian: The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and
uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into
doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become
resentful and rebellious in the long run.
 Authoritative: The parent is “just right”, showing warmth
and affection toward the child without being indulgent.
The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to
compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it. All
else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the
most likely to lead happy, successful lives.
Children who are raised by controlling parents are less
independent and are less likely to develop problem solving
skills. Make an effort to guide and coach your children,
without being controlling.
PARENTING SKILL #10: GIVE
YOUR CHILDREN A SENSE OF
SECURITY.
To give your children a sense of
security, do the following:

 Show affection toward them

 Appreciate them
 Treat them with respect
 Acknowledge their feelings
 Set consistent boundaries
 Give them your full attention when
you’re with them
 Be approachable
 Remind them that you love them
unconditionally
 Keep your promises
 Be dependable and trustworthy
 PARENTING SKILL #11: HELP YOUR
CHILDREN TO DEVELOP RESILIENCE AND
PERSEVERANCE.
When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors
like IQ and talent.
How can you help your children to develop grit? Here are some suggestions:
 Emphasize progress over perfection
 Encourage them to take on manageable challenges
 Emphasize effort over outcome
 Model for them what it means to be gritty
 Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone
 Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them
 Focus more on contribution and less on achievement
 Let them make mistakes
PARENTING SKILL #12:
MANAGE YOUR OWN STRESS
EFFECTIVELY.
Parents’ stress can affect their children’s genes for many
years into the future. This highlights how vital it is for
parents to manage their own stress effectively.
Stress affects you, but it also affects your children!
Stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a
way of life.