POSITIVE PARENTING

MANUAL 4
HOUSEHOLD CHORES
AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Disciplining children without iEu orefjla fjkqfjkau

the use of corporal punishment
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POSITIVE PARENTING
MANUAL

HOUSEHOLD CHORES
AND RESPONSIBILITIES
© UNICEF, April 2023

ISBN : 978-92-806-5108 -9

The findings, interpretations and conclusions expressed in this paper are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect
the policies and views of UNICEF.

The text has not been edited to official publication standards and UNICEF accepts no responsibility for errors. The
designations in this publication do not imply an opinion on legal status of any country or territory, or of its authorities, or
the delimitation of frontiers.

In this manual, the term “mother/father/parent” is used for convenience. It applies to all those with a caring
role, including grandparents and extended family members, foster carers, etc.
Acknowledgements

This publication is adapted from the original work of Ms. H.P.C Wasantha Pathirana
MSSc. (University of Kelaniya) M.A. (University of Kelaniya) B.A. (Special) University of
Colombo, and we thank her for her contribution.
4

Positive Parenting manual booklets

1. Talking Back

2. Fighting with Siblings

3. Neglecting Schoolwork

4. Household Chores and Responsibilities

5. Returning Home Late

6. Setting Limits on the Use of Digital Devices

7. Fussy Eaters

8. Throwing Tantrums

9. Relationships

10. Staying Awake Past Bedtime

11. Substance Abuse

12. Gender

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The icons in this book depicts the following to its readers

Think a Minute

Point To Remember

Important Lesson

Practical Advice

Question

Write Your Thoughts

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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INTRODUCTION TO POSITIVE
PARENTING

What is Positive Parenting?

P
ositive Parenting is not restricted to a method, a set
of rules, or a style; it is a belief, a way of living. Children
should be treated with respect, free from fear of
violence and shame, and guided with loving encouragement.
The very first step to become a positive parent is to adjust
one’s thinking, by improving your own knowledge, attitudes,
behaviours and skills. To achieve this, parents must be willing
to reflect on themselves and their role as parents, do their best
to complete all the activities; and use the new information in
their daily interactions with their children. Parents will learn
that communication is a crucial way to ensure an ongoing
relationship with their children.

Positive Parenting Manual

This manual allows us to begin thinking about how we can
bring up a child without inflicting/causing physical harm. This
method is known as positive parenting.

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This manual focuses on specific tools such as:

y How to establish goals for you and your child

y How to spend quality time with your children

y How to express yourself and enable your child to express

their feelings in a safe environment

y How to use praise and reward

y How to give instructions and establish household rules

y How to redirect and ignore negative behaviours

y How to use consequences and establish cool down times

y How to resolve conflicts

By repeatedly referring to this manual, you will gain a sound

understanding of the different methods available to discipline
your child.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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What positive parenting is:

y Positive parenting is about long-term solutions that develop children’s

self-discipline.

y Positive parenting is clear communication of expectations, rules and

limits.

y Positive parenting is about building a mutually respectful relationship

with your children.

y Positive parenting is about teaching children life-long skills.

y Positive parenting is about increasing children’s competence and

confidence to handle challenging situations.

y Positive parenting is about teaching courtesy, non-violence, empathy,

self-respect, human rights and respect for others.

What positive parenting is not:

y Positive parenting is not permissive parenting.

y Positive parenting is not letting children do whatever they want.

y Positive parenting is not about having no rules, limits or expectations.

y Positive parenting is not about short-term reactions or alternative

punishments to slapping and hitting.

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A common complaint among parents is that their children are not obedient.

“This child is very disobedient. S/he never listens to anything we say.” “S/he always
does what we ask her/him not to do. Not in the least bit obedient.” Are statements
like these made in your family? Do you feel that your children are disobedient?

In your opinion, what characteristics are typical of a child who is obedient? A child
who is inclined to be disobedient?

List them separately.

Disobedient Obedient

Compare your column on obedience with that of another parent’s column on

obedience. Have a discussion on this. You most probably will see both similarities
and differences between the two lists.

Reflect on your own parenting style and consider how you contribute to this
behavior.

The differences highlight that what we consider as obedience/disobedience

is a relative factor. This just means that the way you think of it is different to
the way someone else thinks about it.

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Once you have a clear understanding of the key behaviours you want to
see or change, try out the strategies below to address these behaviours
and support your child to think and act independently.

1. Make a list of what is considered good and bad behaviour at home,

the boundaries of these behaviours as well as the consequences of
not adhering to the boundaries. Depending on the age of your child/
children, do this together with them. Display this list at home in a
place where everyone can see.

2. Appreciate and praise the child every time s/he displays good
behaviour. The love you show towards your child must be
unconditional and positive.

3. Also note, we should disapprove and dislike the wrongful behaviour

of the child, not the child himself.

At times, parenting can be difficult! So, it is important to keep in mind

that these positive parenting techniques take time and patience to be
successful. It cannot be achieved in one day. If they don’t work today,
remember to try again tomorrow. It is important to be consistent in your
parenting approach and being consistent is the only way your child may
be able to understand what you are trying to communicate.

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References

National Parenting Taskforce, (2013), The Art of Parenting: Summary Guide, Parenting Guide_Summary
Guide.pdf (sharepoint.com)

Parenting for Lifelong Health: Handbook for Adolescents

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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Positive Parenting Manual

HOUSEHOLD CHORES
AND RESPONSIBILITIES

A house is a place full of small jobs or chores

that need to be undertaken so that the family
can run smoothly. Cooking, sweeping the house,
cleaning, taking the garbage out, washing clothes
etc. are just a few of the many chores in a house.
Even though there are many chores, there are
instances where only a few in the family do the
chores, while others do not help much. Who is
exempted from doing chores? Does everyone have
to do chores? Should children also do chores? At
what age should a child be given responsibilities to
do certain chores?

How do we encourage children to help around the

house?

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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A short story While getting ready to go to
school in the morning, Fathima
shouted, “Mama, where’s my tie and
badge that was here?”
Ahamed shouted out from the
other end at the same time,
“Mother! Where are my socks?
The shoe polish is also missing.”
Mother who was cooking in
the kitchen shouted back angrily
amidst this, “I have to cook this
curry and pack the rice. Do your
own work. How many times have I
told you to keep everything ready
the previous night and not start
looking for things in the morning!”
Meanwhile, father comes into the
kitchen, “Didn’t you wash my shirt?
I told you last night that I will be
wearing the light blue shirt today.
You have ironed a different shirt” he
grumbles, blaming mother.
Simultaneously, Fathima and
Ahamed are turning the house
upside down looking for socks and
ties. Mother is running here and
there trying to sort everyone out
and forgets what she was doing.
The curry starts burning. The whole
What do you think of this story? Does this scene sound familiar to you?
Positive Parenting Manual
kitchen is covered in smoke.
“I don’t want burnt food!” shouted
Fathima.
Mother is exhausted. “If you can’t
eat, I don’t care if anyone goes
hungry. I must do all the work in
this house. No one bothers to even
do their own work!”
Since both Fathima and Ahamed
were already late for school, they
ran out to the road without having
any food.
“You can’t even do the household
chores. Couldn’t you at least sort
out the work yesterday, so that the
children and I can leave home on
time?” asked the father.
Fathima’s mother’s back pain
had worsened last night owing to
going to work , cooking, washing
clothes, cleaning, gardening,
serving food, doing the dishes etc.
She had gone to sleep without
bothering anyone else and gotten
up in the morning with difficulty
and resumed the chores again.
The events that took place that
morning caused mother great
disappointment and frustration.
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How can this story be changed to a more positive one?

What are your thoughts about one person doing all the chores in a house?

Indicate what chores the other family members (children and husband) could have
taken on or been assigned?

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Let us now take a look at why chores or “family contributions”
should be assigned to children.
Some parents have the following opinion about children doing household chores/
getting chores done by them,

“I feel sorry, they are still small. How can I get work done by them? It’s not like I
can’t do the work by myself…… Let the child be free.”

There are other parents who hold this opinion,

“Can they properly complete the chore that is given to them? They will mess
it up further. That just means additional work for me. It’s better for me to do it
myself.”

Both these ideologies are not ideal because, when a child reaches a certain age,
it is important and necessary to give them chores suitable for their age and allow
them to complete it. In doing household chores, a child learns what they need
to contribute for their house and family. This ability will enable him/her to help
around the house as an adult as well, to do things like cooking, cleaning, sweeping,
gardening etc.

In addition, when everyone in the house comes together to complete chores, it

helps improve the child’s communication skills and abilities to discuss, negotiate,
reach a consensus, collaborate and work as a team. By helping around the house,
the child will have confidence in her/himself to take up responsibilities as an adult.

Shared responsibilities and contributions from everyone also mean less stress and
pressure on household members.

It would have been a relief for the mother if Fathima, Ahamed and the father
supported in doing household chores. The mother would not have felt so much
pressure or helplessness. When delegating chores among children, other adults in
the family should also take on some of them. Fathima’s father’s behaviour reveals
his belief that the entire responsibility for household work lies with the mother.

In such instances, children too think the same and may not support the mother
with the household work.

One person (most often the mother) being responsible for all the housework is not
ideal for several reasons. It could also affect the wellbeing of that person and, if this
person were to fall sick, the day-to-day work of that house, which is needed for it to
be functional, will come to a standstill.

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Today, when both parents often work outside the house, it is necessary for both to
share the responsibility of housework. It is crucial for parents and the children to
decide how best to assign responsibilities for household chores and show mutual
appreciation for the work done by all family members.

Now let us focus on an important point: that of parents punishing children because
they do not help with household chores.

Is it correct to hit children for not supporting with household

chores? Will that make them help with the responsibilities in the
house?
Let us find out...

A short story Amila cooked lunch and called
Naduni (12 years old) and Nimasha
(10 years old) and said,
“I have prepared lunch. Naduni,
you serve your sister and then eat.
After you both finish eating, get
together and clean the kitchen
okay? Naduni, put all the clothes in
that room into a big basin and keep
it to soak, I will come and wash
them. Nimasha, you must sweep
and clean the hall.
I am going to the dispensary to
get some medicine for your brother
before it closes. I am already quite
late. Don’t forget, you must do the
work I told without dancing the jig.”
The mother said this in a mildly
threatening manner and left the
house with the brother. When she
returned after about three hours,
the TV in the hall was on and the
younger daughter was watching
a movie. The older daughter was
nowhere to be seen. Mother went
to the kitchen and unwashed plates
were stacked on the table. There
was rice and gravy spilt all over the
kitchen floor. The curry pots were
without their lids and spoons had
fallen into the pots. The kitchen was
a total mess. The hall was the same
as before she left the house.
There was no hint of it having
been swept. Mother went near the
younger daughter.
“None of the work I asked you
to do has been done! The kitchen
is a disaster! Didn’t I ask that the
kitchen be cleaned?” As soon as
the mother said this, Nimasha
responded saying, “You wanted
elder sister to clean the kitchen.”
“Didn’t I ask you to help your
older sister to clean the kitchen…..?
I told you to clean the hall, did you
even do that? Not a single thing I
told has been done, and the TV is on
full volume, on top of all that!”
The mother stopped short and
pulled Nimasha by the ear and hit
her on the back a couple of times
with her hand.
“Ahhh……..Ahhhh……! You are only
hitting me for not doing household
chores. Elder sister is the one who
went to sleep soon after lunch
saying she was sleepy” said the
younger daughter starting to cry.
This further irritated Amila. She took
the cane which was in the corner of
the hall and went to the room.

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“Take a look at that?! Taking a
long nap, when there is so much
work to do! Is this the way for
a young girl to grow?”, asked
mother and woke Naduni who was
sleeping. Mother landed a couple
of blows with the cane on Naduni’s
body. At the same time Mother
saw that Naduni had put both
the washed clothes and the dirty
clothes together in a basin to soak.

Is it reasonable that Amila hit her children for not doing their chores?

What alternative could Amila have used instead of physical punishment?

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Now let us look at why corporal punishment or ‘hitting’ is
unreasonable for something like this.
Woodhouse (2017) explains that corporal punishment often results in undesired
behaviour, such as not listening to the parents or disobeying them. It also poses a
serious risk of physical and/or psychological harm.

The first step is to have clear rules and guidelines for the chores that are delegated
to each child. Children also need to be made aware of their limits and the
consequences of not completing the chores assigned to them.

y The mother told both girls what each of them were supposed to do. But it does
not seem that the children were made aware of the rules and limits within
which their chores needed to be done, nor the consequences of not completing
the chores.

y Although instructions were given, they were not communicated in a manner

that could be easily understood by a small child.

E.g. :

• “After eating, both of you clean the kitchen together”

• “Put all the clothes in that room to be soaked”

What should Amila have done?

1. The first step is to make a plan with the family about the different jobs that
need to be done and who should complete them. Discussing this as a family
and encourage people to participate and agree on how they will contribute to
the family and the running of the house is an important first step.

2. When assigning the chores or contributions to two children, each child’s task
should be clearly explained.

E.g. : “Naduni, once you finish eating, you wash all the plates and spoons.
Clean the stove and wipe the table. Nimasha, once your sister finishes that,
pick up all the rice grains and sweep the kitchen. After that, sweep the
hall with the other broom. If you can’t sweep the hall immediately after
sweeping the kitchen, take a break and sweep the hall a little later…….

…Naduni, you can also take a break if you need , after cleaning the kitchen
and then, soak the clothes that I have kept on top of the bed. But, all this
work must be finished by 2 o’clock. If the work isn’t completed by then, I will
not let the two of you watch TV.”

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It is important that the chores are clearly explained to each person in this
manner. When you ask several chores to be done at the same time, depending
on the child’s age, personality and the circumstances, the motivation of the
child to do those might vary. It is more productive to assign one chore at a time.
If you are assigning two chores, it would be better if you ask the child to take a
break, before starting the next one. Or else it might make the child think “How
can I work continuously…?”

3. It is also important to indicate a timeframe within which the work must be

completed. It is therefore important to have a rough estimate of the time
it would take a child to complete the chore. Keep in mind that what takes
you 10 minutes to complete, may take the child longer to do. Some children
work very slowly, which should not be made into an issue as long as the child
completes the chore. By giving the child a timeframe, the child also learns time
management.

If simple instructions were given as explained above and the child

still failed to do the chore, what is the next step?
“I told both of you to do certain chores. But, not one thing has been done till now.
(or else “What you have done is not what I asked you to do”) Please explain how this
happened?”

y First you can ask for an explanation for why the chores were not completed. It is
important to control the tone of your voice when you ask for an explanation. You
should not talk in a voice that sounds threatening, too loud, angry, disappointed
or weak.

y It is important to be patient and remain calm. Try helping them with their
chores. Identify age appropriate consequences if they do not help out.

Inquire from your children why they do not do their chores and write in the box
below.

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Coming to a mutual agreement in this manner is a good solution for this.

y It is important for the whole household to take time to discuss the household
work and set aside a time for this and make a plan for the week. . This way it
will be possible to identify the chores that need to be done, and discuss and
delegate the work among everyone. You can also discuss how and when a
specific chore needs to be done. For example, children may be busy with school
activities on weekdays, so Saturday would be a good day to assign their chores.

y An important point is to ensure that household chores do not hinder or harm

the child’s activities that are essential for her/his development.

Do not assign chores that need to be done in the morning, which will make
them late to school. Similarly, allocate time to do schoolwork/studies and
playtime after returning from school/tuition. Delegate housework in a way that
does not interfere with the above activities.

E.g. :

y If the child plays with toys (dolls, toy cars etc.) give the child the responsibility
of putting their toys back in the right place, when they are done.

y If the child plays outside, allow the child to attend to their own personal
needs like having a shower, changing into clean clothes and combing the
hair, when come back into the house. For younger children, if there are older
siblings, give the responsibility of this to her/him.

y After the child has had time for the above, then assign them with age
appropriate chores such as:

» Sweeping and cleaning the house, washing their clothes/school wear

» Going to the shop to buy groceries and other household goods

» Preparing for religious observances

» Cleaning different sections of the house

» Helping with dinner preparations (e.g.: scraping coconut, cutting and

washing the vegetables)

» Feeding their pet(s)

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What household chores are not suitable to be assigned to
a child?
y It is not acceptable to get children to do anything that would expose
them to moral or physical danger.

E.g.:

y Getting them to climb tall trees (to pluck jack fruit, mangoes,
coconuts etc.)

y Asking them to bring water from unsecured, deep wells and

reservoirs.

y Sending them out to the shop or on some other errand late at

night.

y Sending them out to places that are not safe (places where
alcohol is sold and/or served or where illicit activities take place).

y Mending the roof, cleaning rooftiles, cleaning wells or toilet pits,

cleaning knives, scythes or axes (items that have sharp blades
which can harm the child) or cleaning out electrical equipment.

y Assigning tasks that involve fire things like lighting the hearth, gas
stove or to inspect it, carrying the gas cylinder etc.

y Asking them to lift heavy objects such as iron, gas cylinders that
are full, cupboards.

The above-mentioned tasks are not suitable for children. These tasks
can cause harm to a child therefore we need to ensure that they are not
assigned to children; this is the duty and responsibility of parents.

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How to encourage children to do their chores
Children begin to like the work once they learn how to do it properly. Also, they are
inspired to do it well when they are appreciated for doing the chores. Therefore,
blaming them and saying ‘That was not done properly’ or criticizing them saying
‘Can’t do a single thing properly’, is not positive parenting.

1. A chart for household chores or “contributions” that shows what each child is
assigned can be hung in a common place in the house. This prevents them
from forgetting what chores need to be done. The need to constantly remind
the child is also eliminated by having such a chart.

2. We can also make a reward star chart for the chores. We can give stars after
they complete their daily chores. The child can receive a small reward or be
allowed to do something they enjoy, when they obtain a certain number of
stars. This helps to sustain their interest and enthusiasm to do their daily chores.

E.g.: You can give the child his/her favourite food or buy a toy that they like.
Or if the child likes visiting a particular relative’s house, you can take them
there so that s/he can play with their cousins.

3. When daily work is shared, the burden on the mother and father (or other adults
who tire on behalf of us), is reduced. It also allows everyone in the family to enjoy
each other’s company. Small children like playing with their parents as much as
with those of their own age, so use the time saved, to play with them. (Hide and
Seek, Cricket, Cards, Checkers, Chess etc.).

4. It is also helpful if the child can earn something by doing certain chores. You
can grow various kinds of vegetables, grains, green leaves and fruits if you have
room in your garden. Get the child involved in this work. When you sell what
you harvest, you can put part of the earnings in a till that the child has. Tell them
that is for their hard work.

Remember
Do not pay your child to do household chores. It is important to ensure that
the child understands that doing chores is a contribution to the family and the
smooth running of the house. This does not equate to earning money. Children
need to learn that there is value in the household work that s/he does and that
this is their moral and familial obligation.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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5. The household chores/family contribution chart should also be flexible. It is
important to remember that it will not be possible to adhere to these schedules
if the child falls ill, or if they have exams, extra classes, schoolwork to complete,
or when guests, friends or relatives visit the house. The schedule should be
adjustable according to the circumstances.

6. If the child complains “I am sick and tired of doing the same chore every day,”
explore the possibility of rotating the chores between family members, so that
it does not become monotonous to the child. Or make the schedule so that
chores are alternated every other day or on a weekly basis.

7. Instead of assigning all the hard chores to one child, make sure the chores are
distributed fairly in an age appropriate manner and that each child has an equal
amount of work to do. The child might become completely averse to doing
household work if they are given too many difficult tasks.

It is important to show children that working or contributing to the

family can be fun! How do you do that?
y You could try -

» Putting on music when cleaning the house

» Singing while putting the toys away

» Choosing together a menu and try out cooking dishes with enthusiasm

y Also, explore the possibility of using creativity, theatrics, storytelling and varying
voice tones and manners, when assigning chores to younger children.

E.g.:

y “Today I’m going to make something absolutely delicious. Who wants to

help me?” (you can then get them to help in little ways in the kitchen).

y "We’re going to play now. Before that, shall we put away these things that
are scattered all over the place?"

y “So..…the little prince heated some water and bathed his sick mother, and
then made some porridge and fed her……” Narrate a story in this manner and
finish off by asking something like, “If your mother falls sick, what can you do
to help?”

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In this manner if you cultivate the feeling that ‘doing housework’ or

‘contributing the the family’ is of value, ‘it is our way of helping out with everyday
household work’, the child will be willing to do their chores. When doing chores
become a habit, it becomes part of their daily routine.

It is a major relief for the parents when children develop the habit of sharing
household responsibilities.

At the end of this chapter….

y You would have understood that you should not force a child to complete
household chores by using physical punishment. You should realize that
household chores should be shared among all family members.

y You have a solid understanding of methods to use to get the household work
done and have this seen as a family contribution, rather than a boring task.
You have also learnt that a child can be geared from their young age to take
on household chores and how to be tactful when dealing with older children.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND RESPONSIBILITIES 4

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References

Woodhouse, B. B, (2017), PSYCHOLOGY BENEFITS SOCIETY. Retrieved from Corporal Punishment:

A Wrong Not a Right: https://psychologybenefits.org/2017/03/22/corporal-punishment-a-wrong-
not-a-right/

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Notes

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Notes

Positive Parenting Manual

Child Protection
3/1 Rajakeeya Mawatha
Colombo 7
Sri Lanka
www.unicef.lk

ISBN : 978-92-806-5108 -9

© United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF)

April 2023