31 Days To Better Parenting

31 d a y s t o
T E R
BET ting
p a r e n
Nina V. Garcia
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Copyright © 2017 Sleeping Should Be Easy, LLC. All rights reserved.

welcome!
At my parenting blog, Sleeping Should Be Easy, I was noticing a
trend. While the topics I discussed covered different scenarios,
many of the same principles kept surfacing. And I realized I had
collected nuggets of advice that has helped me in nearly any
parenting situation. Advice parents can apply no matter the age
of our kids or the challenges we face.
And so, 31 Days to Better Parenting was born. The book is based
on a blog series where, every day for a month, I published an
article that discussed these very principles.
The goal of this book is not for you to emerge a perfect parent—
clearly there is no such thing. Instead, my hope is for you to
see parenting in a different light, one based on strengthening
our relationship with our kids. And we do that through simple
techniques we cover in this book. You can follow one tip each day,
or simply read the ones that most apply to your current needs.
So, are you ready to dive into 31 days to better parenting? Let’s
get started!
Sincerely,
Nina
table of contents
Day 1: We’ve Got Discipline All Wrong...................................1
Day 2: Be There Through the Hard Times, Too........................6
Day 3: One Technique to Finally Stop Yelling at Your Kids......10
Day 4: Be Choosy with What’s Off Limits..............................15
Day 5: Model the Behavior You Want to See.........................21
Day 6: Set Boundaries — Kids Actually Want Them..............27
Day 7: The Parenting Technique You Shouldn’t Follow...........32
Day 8: One Sure Way to Prevent Misbehavior in Children.......38
Day 9: Why You Need to Stop Hovering Over Your Kids..........43
Day 10: Why Every Parent Needs to Show Empathy.................49
Day 11: One Guaranteed Way to Show You Respect
Your Children..........................................................55
Day 12: 4 Benefits of Teaching Kids Responsibility.................59
Day 13: Are You Giving Your Child Enough Autonomy?.............65
Day 14: One Effective Word to Get Kids to Listen....................71
Day 15: A Better but Not Always Easier
Alternative to Timeouts.............................................76
Day 16: How Teaching Kids about Emotions
Reduces Misbehavior...............................................83
Day 17: How Understanding Child Development
Can Help You Keep Your Sanity.................................89
Day 18: Communicate Effectively with Kids
by Changing Just a Few Words..................................94
Day 19: One Unusual Way to Stop Kids Whining.....................99
Day 20: Tell Your Kids You Love Them,
Even when It’s Hard To...........................................105
Day 21: Why We Should Encourage Competence,
Not Confidence.....................................................110
Day 22: 5 Effective Techniques to Help Children
with Transitions.....................................................116
Day 23: Find Your Own Meaning.........................................122
Day 24: The Harmful Effects of Comparing Our Kids.............126
Day 25: Why We Need to Read with Our Kids Every Day........130
Day 26: Want a Child Who Can Think Critically? Start Here....136
Day 27: 4 Reasons Kids Need Downtime.............................141
Day 28: Why We Need to Encourage
Our Children’s Interests..........................................147
Day 29: The Secret to Raising Hard Working Kids.................152
Day 30: To You, Moms: Be Kind to Yourself..........................158
Day 31: The Only Parenting Advice You Should
Always Listen To....................................................162
Day 1:
We’ve Got Discipline All Wrong
Parenting is hard, isn’t it?
You have the two-year-old who throws tantrums every day, for
the silliest reasons too. Kids who seem determined to fight over
the same Lego, no matter how many of the blocks litter your
living room floor. And we lose our patience, willing the clock to
go faster and call it a day. No wonder we’re always looking for
ways to better discipline our kids.
Except we’ve got discipline all wrong.

Because what’s the typical response when our kids misbehave?
Maybe we’ve sent them to time out, telling them they can’t
come out until they stop crying. Or we yank the coveted toys
out of their hands and yell, “Stop fighting already!” Maybe we
wonder which punishment would be most effective for their
poor behavior.
We learn these behaviors from how we grew up. Others from

talking to other moms about how they handle their kids. And
many times, we feel like we have no control—we react with
anger on more days than we care to admit.
1
Day 1: We’ve Got Discipline All Wrong
We’ve grown used to seeing discipline as punishment and

assume it’s what we do when kids misbehave. We rely on
authority and power to force our kids to comply. We see
discipline as a power struggle.
Let’s switch that around and look at discipline in a whole

new way:
Discipline is teaching.
Forget punishments, time outs, counting to three. Don’t think
“me versus you” when trying to discipline your child. Instead,
think about what you can teach your child. What can she learn
from this situation? For instance, she can learn how to:
• Manage her emotions

• Establish boundaries
• Behave in acceptable ways
• Interact with other children and adults
These are prime lessons she can learn from challenging

situations. A scuffle with her brother is an opportunity to teach
them how to communicate politely and take turns. A tantrum
will show her how to take deep breaths and use her special
blanket for comfort. Rather than nagging, give your child
responsibilities to encourage him to take initiative.
Look at each challenge not as a battle between you and your

child, but as a teachable moment. What gems can you unearth?
With so much to gain and learn, how can you discipline and
teach your child?
2
Understand that her behavior is normal
We forget we’re dealing with children sometimes. I’ll get

frustrated when my three-year-old takes forever to wash his
hands. Or I shake my head when my twins fight and whine.
I don’t understand why they insist on wearing a particular shirt
or cry when I say it’s time to leave.
But then I remember they’re kids. They don’t act like adults
or have our sense of efficiency and “it’s no big deal” attitude.
Their problems wrap around not getting to wear a favorite shirt.
It seems silly to us, but these issues are just as real to them as
our grown up problems are to us.
Knowing her behavior is normal, though frustrating, will give you

the patience you need. You won’t hold the same expectations
from her as you would another adult.
You feel reassured that these constant tantrums are actually

normal for her age. And that she’s still learning how to manage
her emotions.
Don’t take things personally
Parenting isn’t always about you. Sometimes we hold on to what

we imagine parenting to be, or how our kids should behave. We
take it personally when things don’t go as planned.
I can’t tell you how many outings we went to that were supposed
to be fun but ended in a foul mood. Maybe we went to the
beach, or a hike, or a family party. I had high hopes for these
events, thinking we’d come home with pleasant memories.
3
Instead, my kids cried the whole time at the beach. Or they

argued about which way to go on our hike. They have a
meltdown in front of all my relatives.
Thing is, discipline happens even on beautiful days, too.

Being on the beach doesn’t mean my kids won’t experience
challenges. Or that they won’t need my help toward better
behavior. Shift your focus back to your kids and what they can
learn from this moment.
We’re on the same side
How do you feel when your kids misbehave? If you’re like many
parents, you launch into full-on battle mode. Your eyebrows
furrow, you raise your voice, your hands are on your hips. You’ve
lined up your arguments and feel all patience draining.
It’s you vs the kids. And if we’re being honest, it’s sort of an
unfair battle when we know who’s going to dominate (hint: you).
What if, instead, you switched from “me vs you” to “we”?
When you discipline as a way to teach, you’re not out to win or

lose. Instead, you’re on the same side.
Imagine a teacher and a student gearing up for a big test. The

teacher isn’t trying to best the student by taking the test and
“winning.” Instead, she’s giving the student the tools she’ll
need to take the test and succeed.
Teacher and student are on the same side, just as parent and
child should be.
4
Conclusion
I began 31 Days to Better Parenting with discipline because it’s
one of the most misunderstood parts of parenthood. Let’s start
this series off with the right frame of mind: We’re here to help
and teach our kids, not win battles.
The best part? Switching to this mindset will lessen the

outbursts and the behavior you don’t want to see in your kids.
Think about it. If you spend your time teaching your child to
manage her emotions, she won’t resort to tantrums. She’ll learn
to say “I’m mad” or grab a favorite toy for comfort.
Discipline as teaching becomes a win-win for both you and your

child. You’re not battling for who comes out on top, but rather
holding hands as you both reach new heights.
5
Day 2:
be there through
the hard times, too
My three-year-old is not a morning person. While his brothers

bounce out of bed eager to start the day, he prefers to lay
tangled in his blankets. He’ll complain and whine, dragging his
feet through using the potty and changing clothes. As you might
guess, his grumpy mornings don’t make for a pleasant start of
the day.
So the mornings when he’s pleasant and chipper run much

more smoothly. I smother him with kisses and hugs. We laugh
on our way to breakfast. I let a few things slide I normally
would’ve raised my eyebrows at.
It’s easy to be with our kids when they behave and feel happy or
excited. We’re more likely to sit and play with them when they
don’t give us any trouble.
But the hard times when they’re not so pleasant? When they
misbehave, whine and make crazy demands? Those days drain
our energy. We can go from feeling excited about spending time
with our kids to wanting to cancel all our plans for the day.
We’re more likely to lose our temper and say something we’ll
regret. Or we tell them to snap out of their mood and go to their
room until they stop crying.
6
day 2: be there through the hard times, too
Be there through all their emotions

It’s natural to feel sour yourself when your kids feel down. Who
wants to hang out with a whiny kid?
Thing is, you can’t pick and choose. Be there for them through
all their emotions, even the hard times. Send the message that
you won’t abandon them when they especially need you.
You see, your child needs your help during these challenging
times. She’s scared she made you upset or feels guilty for
spilling paint all over the floor. She needs guidance to calm
herself down. And she wants to know she hasn’t done anything
so egregious that she’s pushed you away.
You might wonder if giving your child attention will reward

misbehavior. After all, aren’t we supposed to praise positive
behavior and not fuel negative ones?
Being there for your child doesn’t mean condoning poor

behavior. If you allow her to keep spilling paint all over the floor,
then yes you’re condoning it.
But hugging your child, guiding her through a scuffle or not

sending her to time out doesn’t reward her. She won’t think,
Gee, that hug from mom felt nice. I think I’ll yell and scream
some more.
You won’t reward misbehavior by being there for your child.

Plus, kids also get attention when you yell or lose your temper.
Which side of yourself would you rather they see?
7
Keep your child close during hard times

Instead, don’t send your child away alone when she’s being
frustrating. She needs you, now more than the times she’s
cheerful and happy. Even saying something like, “I’m here when
you’re ready to have me nearby” will help. Give her a hug—you
don’t even need to say a word.
Show empathy as well. Let her know you understand how she
feels. This validates all her emotions, even the difficult ones. It
shows she isn’t alone.
And don’t rush your child out of her feelings. In an ideal world,
we always feel happy and content. But difficult feelings like
sadness, anger and anxiety will come and go. We can’t force
kids to hurry up from feeling sad just as we wouldn’t others to
do that to us.
What about your own emotions? Do you need to be chipper

and happy as you’re dealing with a frustrated child? Not at all.
We can’t pretend or deny our own emotions. It’s normal to feel
frustrated and angry at your kids for behaving the way they do
sometimes.
Don’t brush aside your own feelings because you think your
child should see you happy all the time. Instead, remain calm.
You can even admit you’re angry, and share the steps you’re
taking to calm down. You can still be present with her as you
help her calm down.
It’s not easy, that’s for sure. We want to lash out and throw a
tantrum as well. But she needs you to be the anchor in her
storm during these hard times.
8
Unconditional love
Most of us will agree we love our kids unconditionally. But do
our kids know that? We smother them with kisses during happy
times only to send them away when they’re upset.
Be there for your child, through all her emotions. She’ll feel
like all her feelings are welcome. You don’t pick and choose
which ones you’d like her to feel, or withhold your affection
when she’s upset.
She knows you love her no matter what. From tickle fests to
tantrums, from “I love you’s” to hurtful words.
Your child will also feel like she can be herself. She doesn’t
have to pretend or hide because she knows you accept her for
who she is. The more confident she feels about your affection,
the less she’ll misbehave.
It’s hard being with other people when they’re in a bad mood.
It’s no wonder we respond just as cheerfully when others feel
positive. And why it’s so tempting to mirror a negative attitude
when others feel down.
But reassure your child you love her no matter what. That you’ll
help her through her worst storms and won’t abandon her when
she needs you most.
Even when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.
9
Day 3:
one technique to
finally stop yelling
I was having a bad day. The kids were whining about whose turn
it was to use the blue truck. I felt my body about to explode, and...
BOOM! I was yelling at them to knock it off.
I was yelling more than I’d like and felt guilty for setting a bad
example. And it didn’t help when I later overheard my eldest
yelling the same things to his siblings.
At some point, we’ll all yell at our kids. Maybe we’ve been home
alone with them and they’re being loud and obnoxious. Or we
can’t seem to get them to listen. Maybe it’s when we’ve come
home from a bad day and have little patience to deal with
much else.
We might even think, I know yelling is terrible, but it gets the

job done. My kids learn to behave when I yell. And I can’t seem
to control it.
At first glance, yelling does seem to work. We’ve shocked our

kids into submission. They know we “mean business.”
But at what cost? Now I know that getting kids to obey through
coercion and punishment yields short-term results. In the long-
run, we should try to raise kids who to want to behave, and
not because we’re going to yell. We taint our relationship from
mutual respect to one tarnished with fear and anger.
10
day3: One Technique to Finally Stop Yelling
And the good news is, we can stop yelling. We won’t be able to
cut it out entirely—we’re human, after all. But we can reduce
yelling by a wide margin.
How? With this one technique:
How to stop yelling at your kids

You’re not doomed to yelling as a way to discipline or get through
to your kids. You can respond calmly, even when you’re having a
bad day. Even if you’ve always yelled.
An effective technique to stop yelling?
Find your triggers.
When we yell, we’re reacting. Maybe our kids do something, and

the culmination of a stressful day builds up and we explode. We
usually don’t yell on purpose or wake up in the morning and say,
“Today, I’m going to yell at my kids when they misbehave.”
But it happens because of habit. Think about your daily habits.

You get out of bed and look for your slippers. You use the same
hand to turn the light switch on in the bathroom. And you reach
for your face soap and always turn the hot water faucet on. You
do all this without thinking. They’re habits.
And you’ve picked up triggers that lead to these habits. The

alarm is your trigger to wake up and find your slippers. Going to
the bathroom is your trigger to turn on the light. Reaching for
your face soap is your trigger to turn the hot water faucet on.
The same happens when we react to our kids. Throughout the
day, we’re bombarded with triggers, and some are bad enough
to set us off.
11
Each person has her own set of triggers. Some of mine are:
• Whining
• Getting upset over petty things
• Fighting
• Spilling a cup of water all over the table
• Being loud
• Interrupting me when I’m doing something else
• Repeating myself over and over
• Having a bad day
Once you’ve found your triggers, you can take these steps to
stop yelling:
#1: Be aware
Think about the last time you’ve lost your temper in a big way.
What set you off? What were your kids doing that made you mad?
Which circumstances of the day made you lose your temper?
If you can’t think of any from the past, be aware of potential

triggers moving forward. See which behaviors or circumstances
make you lose your temper.
#2: Define your typical response
Once you’ve identified your triggers, define your typical response.

How do you react when those triggers happen? Do you yell? Say
something sarcastic? Drag their arm? Spank? Slam the door?
These are the reactions to your triggers. They’re the hot water
faucet to your face soap. The actions that seem to happen out
of nowhere, all on their own.
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#3: Pause
Being aware of your triggers is important. Why? It allows you to

insert a pause between the trigger and your habit. Only by being
aware of them can you then choose to replace it.
A pause can be something as simple (even silly) as saying the

trigger out loud. If your child is whining and you’ve spotted him
whining, say, “You’re whining.” Or “You’re fighting over the
same toy.”
Others pause by closing their eyes, holding their breath, or

thinking of a motivation word or two like stay calm. That
quick pause is enough to stop you from reacting to finding an
alternative.
#4: Find an alternative
The key to stop yelling is to replace those old habits and

reactions with new ones. The triggers will happen, no doubt.
But instead of yelling, you’ll replace it with a more productive
behavior.
To ingrain your new habits even further, define ahead of time

what you plan to do when triggers happen. It’s like having an
emergency plan long before you’ll need one.
You might tell yourself that if you spot your triggers, you’ll walk
away. Take a deep breath. Lock yourself in your room for 60
seconds to calm down. Remember a fond memory. Tell your
child you’re mad (in a calm way).
When you spot the trigger and pause, you can then insert the
alternative in place of yelling.
13
Think of it as trigger > pause > replace the old habit with a new
one. (By the way, if you want to read more about habits, you
need to read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.)
Conclusion
We all react to our habits, not just in parenting but in all parts
of our lives. We’re not stuck yelling at our kids. We’ll still
succumb to yelling from time to time, but we can establish new
habits to replace old ones.
By finding your triggers, you’re more aware of what’s happening.

You’re more present. You’re able to respond instead of react.
And yelling and anger don’t have to be your default way of
disciplining your kids.
14
Day 4:
be choosy with what’s off limits
“No.”
“Don’t jump on the couch.”
“You can’t have another snack.”
“Stop hitting your brother.”
Sometimes it seems like we say “no” (in its various forms) all
day. We get from policing kids and telling them what they can
and can’t do. And the more we tell them not do something, the
more it feels like they misbehave and need to hear it more.
Saying “no” can even been our default response to their

behavior. Especially when every action seems to warrant another
reprimand.
Sometimes we even assume we’re doing our job as parents

when we harp on our kids. We’re supposed to keep them out of
trouble, right? Guide them away from what not to do?
Why we shouldn’t always say “no”

While our role is to teach our kids their boundaries, we’re
not stuck policing them all day. I’m learning we can spend a
15
day 4: Be Choosy with What’s Off Limits
majority of our day not saying “no” and instead enjoy the time
with our kids. Besides, we make these mistakes when we tell
them what not to do all the time:
We don’t honor their spirit and curiosity
We’re so quick to react with a “no” that we don’t pause and

evaluate what our kids are doing. We tell them not to run
without acknowledging that running isn’t bad, just not through
a busy mall.
We’re in constant battle mode
Even though it feels like we’re just doing our job, it doesn’t feel
good to reprimand our kids all the time. We hover and highlight
what they shouldn’t be doing. And it becomes even more
wearisome when they continue to misbehave.
Our kids don’t understand what’s off limits
When everything warrants a “no,” it’s hard for kids to decide

what’s actually off limits. Running across the street shouldn’t
bear the same weight as making a mess of their stuffed animals.
How to be choosy with what’s off limits

Letting a few things go doesn’t mean you’ll be permissive
and will let them get away with everything. The key is to stop
reacting with a quick “no” and instead see if you even need to
say it in the first place. Here’s how:
16
Ask yourself if it’s that bad
We react too quickly with our kids sometimes. Maybe we’re

distracted or frustrated about something else and take it out on
them. Or we fear the worst and overprotect. Or we assume we’re
doing our job by deflecting any potential scrape or misbehavior.
Instead, ask yourself whether your child’s behavior is that

bad. Maybe your kids are acting rowdy and loud at home. It’s
tempting to tell them to knock it off and be quiet.
But see what they’re doing: they’re playing and using their
imagination. They’re not disturbing others around them within
their own walls. There’s no real danger to their behavior. And
can you find an alternative, such as stepping into another room?
Weigh the pros and cons of telling them “no” before you do.
You might find that what you’re telling them not to do isn’t so
bad after all.
Prevent misbehavior in the first place
I had been telling my three-year-old twins to stop stepping on

the books on the floor. It seemed like I had said it five times
and was getting upset at repeating myself.
As frustrating as it was that they didn’t listen the first time, I

realized I was also to blame. I was, after all, the one who had
laid the books on the floor.
We can slash the number of times we say “no” by preventing

the behavior to begin with. If I had stacked the books on
the coffee table, I wouldn’t even need to tell my kids to stop
stepping on them.
17
Think of the times you’ve said to stop playing with your phone
when you could’ve tucked it out of their reach. Or to stay away
from the sharp table corners you could’ve baby proofed.
And sometimes preventing misbehavior means meeting your

child’s needs to begin with. Kids tend to act up when they’re
sleepy, hungry, or need attention. Maybe they’re overstimulated,
or feel upset about the new baby. Meet her needs first to
prevent her from acting up at all.
Your child’s actions may be appropriate
If you’re like me, you might feel a little paranoid at the

playground. Those high play structures with no rails. Ladders
your kids want to climb. And sand galore your child is
determined to get all over herself.
Before you say “no,” think about whether her actions are
actually good for her. As difficult as it is to let go of control, it’s
important they take risks. This is how they build confidence,
regulate their emotions and learn risk tolerance.
By saying “no” all the time, we’re deciding for them what’s okay
or not. We’re diminishing their confidence with our doubts. And
we don’t allow them to overcome their fears.
Often we do need to say “no” for their safety and maturity. They
may not be old enough to climb the structure meant for five-
year-olds. But in other cases, see if you can let go and allow
your child the freedom to learn and play.
Maybe it’s sitting on the sidelines at the playground. Or

standing nearby instead of holding on to them every minute.
Or even changing your language from paranoid phrases to more
18
constructive feedback. (“Make sure you’re always gripping

the ladder.”)
And don’t hold the same expectations of your child as you

would an adult. Sometimes we forget our kids are still kids
and feel inclined to jump and run. Or that hitting is a common
behavior for kids learning social skills. We’re not dealing with
adults who already know these things. Our kids still need us to
teach them what’s appropriate or not.
Don’t see your interaction as a power struggle
The hard part about saying “no” all day is that our relationship
with our kids changes with it. When your child misbehaves,
don’t see it is as another way she’s testing you. Don’t get
defensive, or take it personal.
Instead, switch to teacher mode and use the opportunity to

guide your child on what to do or not. You may still have to
say “no,” but at least you’ll have said it from a firm but gentle
teaching mode. Not one from frustration and anger.
They’re bound to do something that can get you angry or test

your patience. Put yourself in teacher mode and think about
your goals. Your goals probably aren’t to “win” arguments or
show your child who’s boss. Instead, you’re showing her how to
interact with her brother or understand what’s off limits.
Say “yes” more often
With so much “no” filling your day, try the other route and say
“yes” more often.
19
Maybe you’re afraid saying “yes” will teach your kids they can
take advantage of you and get anything they want. Or you
might hesitate saying “yes” because you don’t want to disrupt
your routine.
But ask yourself if you can actually say “yes” to your child
without causing much harm. Is it that bad that they’re running
down the hall when there’s no one else around? Will your day be
that disrupted if you go to the park like they asked?
Conclusion
This isn’t a call to be more permissive, or to turn the other way
when our kids misbehave. But we can take it too far and assume
every response should be a “no” or some form of discipline.
Instead, ask yourself if your child’s behavior is bad enough to

warrant that discipline. Prevent misbehavior in the first place to
avoid even having to say “no.”
Your child’s behavior may be appropriate and even necessary

to her growing development. Avoid power struggles by focusing
more on your child’s needs and less on taking it personal.
And try saying “yes” more often. You might surprise yourself
how much more carefree and easy your day will be.
20
Day 5:
Model the Behavior
You Want to See
Let’s say I had to choose between two options. The first is giving
my kids advice but no action. The second is not saying anything
but doing what I want them to do.
Hands down I’d choose the latter.
You see, modeling is the best teaching method. It’s not enough
to just tell our kids their values and responsibilities. We have to
show them through our actions.
Model the behavior and kids will understand these expectations

apply to everyone, kids and adults. Being kind and reading
books aren’t only for them—even adults live by these principles
and values.
Modeling behavior is also more effective than telling them what

to do. Yes, they need verbal guidance, but seeing us behave the
same way sends a stronger message.
Keep in mind though, this isn’t a call to be The Perfect Parent.

We’ll lose our temper or make huge mistakes. We’re not perfect,
after all, and we shouldn’t expect perfection from our kids, either.
21
day 5: Model the Behavior You Want to See
How to model the behavior you want to see

That said, being a parent doesn’t make us exempt from the
behaviors we want our kids to follow. Sometimes we think we’re
excused from these standards because we’re mom or dad. That
the rules don’t apply to us.
But it’s even more important that our actions, as they say, speak
louder than words. Here’s how:
#1: Ask yourself if you’re behaving that way
The other day, I yelled at my kids to stop yelling. Ironic, right?
I’ve lost my temper more than I’d like. And each time, I cringed
imaging my kids behaving the way I just did. Problem is, yelling
teaches them exactly that behavior.
Any time we teach our kids a lesson, let’s ask ourselves if we

do the same. It’s easy to tell the kids not to yell at one another.
But what if we spend most of our day yelling at them, or at
our spouse?
Kids pick up on our behaviors and will do what they see. They
won’t resolve conflict with respect when they see us speak
unkindly or yell at others.
If you find yourself guilty, make a point to improve. Be aware of

your shortcomings and follow your own advice.
#2: Be the adult you want your child to be
Imagine how your child will be as he enters adulthood.

Disregard his job, family, home, interests or any of that.
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Instead, what values and behaviors would you love to see in

your adult child?
Most of us would want our children to be kind and generous.

Ambitious but humble. Someone who values learning and
reading and speaks in a respectful way to others.
Now is our chance to behave and adopt those values we want

our kids to have. It’s difficult to raise children to be kind and
generous when we speak unkindly to those around us. Instead,
live the values you’d like them to adopt.
Ways we can set an example

Let’s look at some of the ways we can model behavior we want
to see in our kids:
Being respectful to others
How do you interact with those around you, from family to

strangers? How can you show your child through your actions a
respectful way of interacting with others?
Eat healthy food
Eat the same healthy food you tell your child to eat. And
challenge yourself not to sneak the food when they’re asleep
and not looking. Your kids are making a big commitment to eat
well. Try to meet them half way and do the same.
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Stop yelling and fighting
Every parent has had to tell their kids to stop yelling or not lose
their temper. To keep their cool instead of throwing a tantrum.
When you feel like losing your temper, ask yourself if this is the
behavior you’re telling your kids not to do.
Resolve conflicts peacefully
How many times have we had to guide our kids through

yet another squabble? We want them to be able to speak
respectfully to one another.
The best way? Be mature with your own behavior. Treat the
customer support person with respect, even as you raise a
concern. Don’t flip out when someone cuts you off. These small
actions show our kids how to resolve conflict.
Show gratitude
One of the best ways to raise conscientious children is to

teach gratitude. We want our kids to appreciate what they
have instead of always chasing more. Show gratitude for little
pleasures like a delicious meal or walk at the park.
Don’t say bad words
Even if your kids aren’t saying outright bad words, you still want
them to avoid potty words. Or sarcastic, attitude-y phrases.
Be mindful of how you communicate with your kids and others

around you. Avoid the same words and phrases you’d hate to
hear coming out of your kids’ mouths.
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Limit screen time
Copious amounts of time watching television or playing videos

isn’t healthy for kids. As such, we might enforce a strict limit on
screen time, but not follow the rule ourselves. (Game of Thrones
binge watching, anyone?)
Avoid going on your computer or smart phone while your kids

are around. If you can’t or it’s part of your job, explain your
circumstances so your kids understand you’re not making
special exceptions for yourself.
Read often
The benefits of reading are enough to convince any parent the

importance of this habit. So we push our kids to read, borrow
them books, and make reading a nightly ritual.
But what about us?
Are your kids seeing you read a book for pleasure? Read for
yourself and you’ll see how much more your child will love
reading.
Say sorry
We tell our kids to say ”sorry” after every scuffle. Sometimes we

even force them to. Kids will more likely feel genuine remorse
and say ”sorry” if they see us doing the same. Admitting and
apologizing for mistakes removes the shame and encourages
kids to follow suit.
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Conclusion
As important as modeling behavior can be, it’s also one of the
hardest things to do. We’re human and learning about ourselves
right alongside our kids. Parenthood brings its own set of
challenges we’ve never had to face. And it’s so much easier to
tell than do.
Except that’s what makes modeling behavior that much more

important. Our actions do speak louder than words. So much
so that we don’t always have to ”teach” our kids through words,
but we can do it through our actions instead.
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Day 6:
Set Boundaries — Kids
Actually Want Them
It’s always the little things. Wanting the white cup instead of
the orange. Putting their feet on the dining table when we’ve
told him not to. The arguments at bed time because they don’t
want to brush their teeth.
At first it seems easier to accommodate their requests. What’s

one more story to read at bedtime? And that extra toy they
asked for at the store seems educational enough.
But those lead to bigger problems, like talking back and

outright disobeying on purpose. We’re then too tired to
discipline or deal with yet another outburst. So we consent.
No wonder we sometimes feel like kids are running wild.
Thing is, I’ve learned kids need freedom and boundaries.
Imagine a fence you’ve put up around a farm to contain the

animals. Without fences, the animals run wild and stray too
far. It’s harder to rein them in, and they don’t follow order. But
fenced too close and the animals don’t have space. They’re
unhappy, constricted.
The key is to find that balance between freedom and

boundaries. Neither extreme is pleasant for anyone.
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day 6: Set Boundaries — Kids Actually Want Them
Don’t think of boundaries as being mean or saying “no” all the

time. Why? Kids want boundaries. Yup, even if they’re throwing
a fit or begging us for something, they feel better when we
impose restrictions.
Because that tantrum they just had? It scares them to feel that
way. And when we back down and don’t hold our ground, then
that tantrum seems even scarier than ever. After all, if even
their parents can’t stand up against a tantrum, then who will?
Boundaries guide kids as they evaluate whether something is

okay or not. Freedom allows them to develop and grow, but
boundaries give them the safe space to do so.
Boundaries also strengthen our relationship with our kids. We

firmly but kindly let them know their limits. They learn valuable
skills like patience, empathy and being responsible. And they
understand that the most meaningful relationships are set on a
two-way street.
How to set boundaries with kids

For many of us, establishing boundaries will be hard. We
don’t like being the ”bad guy.” And at the end of a tiring day,
sometimes we just don’t have the patience to be present and
calm. It seems much easier to give in.
Hang in there. You can still set boundaries with your kids, even
when it’s hard at first. Your child not only needs boundaries, but
wants them to better direct his decisions.
#1: Understand why you’re setting boundaries
Think about the last time you’ve had to tell your child “no.”
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What was your mood, your environment? Were you frustrated

because he interrupted an important task you were doing? Or
were you intentional about your decision and calm in the way
you said it?
Setting boundaries isn’t a parent’s “privilege.” It’s not what we

do to show who’s boss, or to win an argument. We can’t use
the boundaries card each time we want to end a frustrating
interaction with our kids.
Be mindful of why you’re setting boundaries. What are your

goals? Base your decisions on what your child can learn from
the situation and about himself. Or base it on your own limits
and how you want others to treat you.
Don’t use boundaries as a tool in power struggles. It’s this

misuse that makes kids misunderstand and resent them.
#2: Be firm but kind
Set boundaries in a firm and kind tone. This is that balance

between blind strictness and sugarcoating. Understanding why
you’re setting boundaries helps you find this balance.
You’re not coming from an angry place, but you also know the
importance of boundaries and that you hold your ground.
Kids deserve our respect and kindness, even when the

conversation isn’t pleasant or when we see them crumble in
tears or irritate us with even more pleading.
At the same time, be firm in your decisions. You know why you
made them and the boundaries you’ve set. Being firm shows
your child you’re acting from a place of good intention and are
doing what you think is best for him.
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#3: Give a time frame or a reason
Kids respond well to reason and fairness, and one of the best
ways to meet them halfway is by giving a time frame.
My son asked to read a book with me. Normally, I drop whatever

I’m doing to read a book as a way to encourage a love of reading
and learning, but I was in the middle of cooking. And it was a
meal I couldn’t pop in the oven or simmer on the stove top.
I explained why I couldn’t read at the moment, then, I gave a

time frame. I said that in about five minutes, after I get all the
patties flipped, we could read the book.
I also asked him if he wanted to read next to me while I cooked.

This helped cement the idea that I wasn’t saying “no” just
because, but that I had a good reason.
Another way giving a reason helps set boundaries is you’re able

to explain poor behavior. Let’s say your child has said hurtful
words to you. Establish your own boundaries by saying how his
words hurt your feelings. Explain how you expect him to treat
you, and how he can better express himself.
#4: Give freedom within boundaries
A bit of preparation can save you so much frustration when you

set boundaries. Back to our analogy of boundaries as fences:
Think of ways you can erect those fences even before your kids
need them.
For instance, baby proof your home. Instead of telling your now
mobile infant not to touch this or that, make the room safe for
him. Prevent common dangers by baby proofing, then allow him
to explore within those confines.
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The same goes with the choices your child can make. He can
wear any clothes from a certain drawer, one you stocked with
summer attire. You’re giving him the freedom to decide what to
wear, but within the boundaries that they have to be summer
clothes.
Conclusion
As difficult as it is to set boundaries, it’s also okay to say “no.”
We don’t need to please our kids or even make them happy.
These “fences” are just what our kids need to explore, learn and
grow in a safe and wholesome way. Boundaries lead to better
behavior and clear expectations for both parents and kids.
Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure, says it well:
“Limits are structure. Limits give kids reassuring information

about what to expect and how to act according to those
expectations. Limits make kids feel safe and cared for.”
As much as they throw tantrums, whine or cry, kids want

boundaries—and parents intentional enough to set them.
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Day 7:
The Parenting Technique
You Shouldn’t Follow
My kids were fighting over the same fire truck... again. Tired
of the arguing, the pleading and tears, I scrambled to find
something to break up the fight. And so I dug into the storage
bin and found old toys they haven’t played with in a while.
“Look, check out this new board game!” I announced. And just
as I predicted, the fight ended as they scampered toward the
new toy. The fire truck sat untouched, no longer a hot issue to cry
about. I averted another fight with good ol’ distraction... phew.
Or did I?
Let’s talk about distraction. We turn to distraction because

it yields quick results. Rather than sit through the crying, we
shine a new object to divert their attention away.
And it almost always works. The child sad about losing a game
forgets all about it when he sees a new coloring book. The one
upset about not sitting on the see-saw stops crying when we
offer a snack. And the one with a scrape is happy watching the
cartoon we sit him in front of.
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day 7: The Parenting Technique You Shouldn’t Follow
4 problems with distraction

With these quick fixes, why wouldn’t any parent distract their
kids from frustration?
#1: Kids miss an opportunity to learn from

the moment
Let’s say your kids are playing at the park and fighting over
whose turn it is to go on the monkey bars. No one looks forward
to coaching kids through an argument with one another. But
that’s exactly the kind of interaction kids need to learn during
social conflicts.
Distracting kids denies them the chance to learn from what

just happened. They don’t learn turn taking, patience and the
discomfort of not getting what you want. We try to save our kids
from disappointment but they end up missing out on several
life skills.
#2: Distraction doesn’t acknowledge your

child’s motives
Have you ever used distraction to steer your child away from an
inappropriate activity?
Maybe you caught your preschooler jumping on the couch. He

was happy but oblivious to the risk of falling on the coffee table.
In a panic, you whisk him from the couch, leading to tears,
of course.
He wants to keep jumping and seems inconsolable. And so you

offer a snack to take his mind off of jumping on the couch.
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Problem is, snacking (the distraction) has nothing to do with

jumping (the motivation). This makes no sense to your child and
can even confuse him.
After all, we clap our hands and encourage him to jump at the
playground. In his mind, he was just doing something you’d
always been happy to see him do.
Why is jumping wrong NOW, he might think, when before

it wasn’t?
#3: Distraction isn’t respectful
Imagine you were having a bad day. You fought with a friend,
missed a few sales goals at work and received a high bill from
the dentist.
You come home to tell your husband the gory details in tears.
But he doesn’t listen or help you find ways to meet your goals or
talk with your friend. Instead, his first suggestion is to watch a
funny movie.
No vent session, no productive plans moving forward. Straight

to the funny movie to take our minds off of things.
And sometimes we need these types of distractions when things

are just too overwhelming. But if this is our go-to move, you can
see how brushing aside emotions doesn’t feel respectful.
Our kids need us to be there for them, even when it’s

uncomfortable and difficult.
With the downsides of distraction, what can parents do?
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Redirect.
Don’t distract kids from one activity to another unrelated one.

Instead, redirect them to an activity that ties in with the initial
behavior.
How to use redirection with kids

Redirection curbs the misbehavior while still acknowledging
your child’s emotions and motives. It gets them to stop doing
what they’re doing without brushing it under the rug.
#1: Acknowledge your child’s motives
As we saw in the case of jumping on the couch, many times our

kids’ intentions aren’t bad. It’s just jumping, after all. Your child
drawing on the walls isn’t acceptable, but drawing is.
When redirecting kids, acknowledge your child’s intentions. You

might say, “Whoa—looks like you’re having fun jumping on the
couch!” Or, “Drawing is a cool thing to do...”
Acknowledging their motives shows kids we understand that

their intentions aren’t always bad. Nothing feels worse than
getting in trouble for something you didn’t even know was
wrong. You’re showing empathy and saying you understand
where they’re coming from.
#2: Say the rule
Once you’ve acknowledged their motives, say what they’re

supposed to do or not. You might say, “We don’t jump on the
couch” or “We don’t draw on books, though.”
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This is when your child learns what is or isn’t allowed. Jumping

is all right, just not on the couch.
#3: Explain why
Kids respond well to reasons, and not because you declared, “I

said so.” They’ll see why it’s important to listen and trust what
you say. And they know you’re not acting out of anger.
You can say, “You might fall off the couch and hit your face
on the coffee table. It’ll hurt a lot!” Or “We use these books to
read, not draw on.”
#4: Redirect to another appropriate activity
Only in the end should you redirect to a more appropriate

activity. Have your child jump on pillows on the floor or draw on
a notepad. If we were to just tell them to stop jumping on the
couch, they won’t know why. This is especially confusing when
we’ve given the impression that jumping is good.
Redirecting to an appropriate activity acknowledges that the

initial motive isn’t bad. They just need to do it in appropriate
and safe ways, like jumping on the floor.
When redirection isn’t possible

We can’t always redirect our kids to another appropriate activity.
You may not be able to offer anything similar to a child who
wants to grab items at a grocery store. Other times, it’s not a big
deal to give him another similar toy that’s within arm’s reach.
Or it’s just not worth it. Your child may have been fighting with
another at the park over the swing. But if he moved on to the
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slide, he may have found a solution on his own without any

need for you to interfere.
And sometimes the behavior isn’t acceptable, no matter what. If

your child hits another child, it doesn’t make sense to redirect
him to hit a soft toy. His misbehavior wasn’t about wanting to
hit but his frustration with the other child.
Redirection isn’t always possible or even appropriate. But that

doesn’t mean you should resort to distraction. There’s always
something valuable to learn with every difficulty your child faces.
If he’s hitting another child, don’t distract him with a toy.

Instead, acknowledge his emotions and encourage empathy. You
might remove him from the spot to prevent things from getting
worse. And you might hold him as he crumbles in your arms.
Distraction is our attempt to save our kids from awkward

or difficult emotions, but that may not always be the most
effective way to teach our kids.
Conclusion
At face value, distractions seems to work. It’s quick and stops
the misbehavior and tears almost immediately.
But distraction glosses over many lessons. Your child can learn
social skills, self-regulation and coping with emotions. The more
he can learn, the better he can behave. Whereas redirection can
teach kids so many skills, distraction skips over them entirely.
Now I know better than to distract my kids from fighting over a

fire truck. A shiny new board game might end the tears, but it
won’t teach the lessons they need to learn.
37
Day 8:
One Sure Way to Prevent
Misbehavior in Children
I couldn’t remember the last time my kids didn’t act up. Every
day, it seemed like I was consoling another tantrum or dealing
with whining.
Then I learned there was one thing I could do to avoid most of

these outbursts. And it wasn’t just waiting until “it gets better.”
By making changes, we can reduce and even prevent misbehavior

in our kids.
And it all starts with this:
Meeting their needs.
How meeting needs can prevent misbehavior

in children
By taking care of our children’s needs, we ensure they’re able to
behave, learn and function.
Here are a few common culprits:
• Hunger: Could she be hungry? When was the last time she
had something to eat?
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DAY 8: One Sure Way to Prevent Misbehavior in Children
• Fatigue: Did she get enough sleep at night or during nap

time? Has she had a long day?
• Attention: Have you spent enough time with her, especially
alone?
• Emotions: Could she be going through difficult feelings she’s
not able to express?
• Wellness: Is she feeling sick or coming down with a cold?
We expect a lot out of our kids. We want them to show empathy

towards others instead of yelling or hitting. We tell them to
focus on school, or clean up after themselves at home.
Problem is, kids have limited resources. They can only behave
so much before they feel depleted. Everyday challenges are
hard enough—imagine going through them when we don’t meet
their basic needs.
For instance, let’s say your child was playing at the park with a
little boy. She gets frustrated when he takes the ball away from
her. In retaliation, she pushes him, causing him to cry.
You encourage her to learn empathy and understand why the

boy is crying. But she isn’t able to show any empathy when
she feels overtired from skipping a nap. She feels too tired and
grumpy to think about how others might feel.
How to meet your child’s needs

This isn’t about bending to your child’s every demand, though.
When it’s 30 minutes away from dinnertime and she wants a
snack, she can benefit from waiting for dinner.
Instead, it’s about alerting yourself to potential culprits that

could contribute to her misbehavior.
39
Here’s how:
#1: Establish routines
Many people misunderstand routines as strict schedules they

can’t divert from. I see routines instead as “pillars” that mark
your day, such as eating and sleeping. Stick to the same meal
and nap times, then revolve the rest of your activities around
these pillars.
By using routines, you don’t have to try to remember when

your child last had a snack. That’s because you know she eats
something at 9am every day. You’re less likely to skip naps
when you usually go home from an outing at 12pm.
Another benefit of routines as a way to prevent misbehavior is

its consistency. Children thrive with predictability and routine.
They don’t like not knowing what’s next, or feeling anxious
about chaos and change.
In an ironic twist, the consistency of a routine actually allows

for more flexibility. Yup—the more you follow a routine, the
more your child will be willing to go with the flow.
After all, your child has been following the same routine at
home for weeks and months. She sees any changes—a vacation,
a whole day at the beach—as a thrill, not a threat to normalcy.
And she can even mimic the routine she’s grown used to away
from home.
Routines ensure you’re meeting her basic needs and offers the
consistency she craves.
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#2: Ask yourself why your child is misbehaving
It’s much too easy for us to react when our kids misbehave. This
morning, my six-year-old threw a surprise tantrum because he
wasn’t the first to wake up.
I felt frustrated and impatient. But I had to ask myself why he

could be behaving this way.
My first guess was he had a bad dream, or didn’t sleep well. He

may have also been adjusting to his first week at school.
By asking ourselves why our kids behave the way they do, we
can pinpoint any needs we can meet. If it’s fatigue, we can
adjust an earlier bedtime. If it’s adapting to new changes, we
can spend one-on-one time talking about it.
The biggest benefit of asking why? It forces you to be a

detective and dig around for a reason instead of reacting out
of anger. You become more empathetic to her needs instead of
frustrated or withdrawn.
#3: Acknowledge the need before disciplining
When kids misbehave, we tend to focus on the actual behavior

rather than what led up to it. We think a child is throwing a
tantrum because she didn’t get a turn to kick the ball. Or we
stop digging at the first level: We think she’s also upset because
it happens to be her favorite ball.
But dig deeper and see if the reasons could stem even farther
than that. Could she be throwing a tantrum because she didn’t
eat much at lunch, or her tummy feels bad?
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By finding potential needs we haven’t met, we can acknowledge

them first before disciplining. For instance, you can tell your
child, “You must be hungry, which might be making you feel
bad and cry.”
You can even take it a step further and provide her with what
she needs. You can say, “After you calm down, maybe we can
grab a light snack.”
Conclusion
It’s pretty rare for kids to act up “for no reason.” And one of
the many times they misbehave is because we haven’t met
their needs.
You can reduce and prevent outbursts by meeting your child’s

needs ahead of time. Establish routines to ensure she’s taken
care of. Ask yourself why she’s behaving this way so you
can discover the real reasons behind it. And once you do,
acknowledge the void and even provide her with what she’s
looking for.
By meeting our kids’ needs, we can prevent misbehavior—with

something as simple as a good night’s sleep or a snack to quiet
the tummy.
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Day 9:
Why Parents Really
Need to Stop Hovering
Do you ever feel like you can’t take your eyes off your kids?
Maybe it’s because they’re causing mischief. Or we worry they’ll

hurt themselves without us nearby. We might even assume good
parenting means being hands-on.
And so we micromanage everything. We resolve social conflict

with other kids. We inspect and direct chores, sometimes
redoing them if the kids didn’t do it well. Or we direct their play
and take over their crafts.
It’s easy to think we have no other alternatives.
I was the mom who stood inches away from her toddler, afraid
he’d fall to the death as he climbed on the playground. I
assumed I wasn’t doing my job if I didn’t play with my kids
24/7. And I was the one who’d step right up the minute they
got in a tussle with another child.
All in the name of good parenting, no less.
So, why the change of heart? I learned that hovering over kids,
despite its good intentions, isn’t good for anyone.
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day 9: Why Parents Really Need to Stop Hovering
Why we need to stop being a helicopter mom

Doing everything for our kids doesn’t give them what
psychologists term, a sense of self. This is the belief and
understanding of who they are. Their interests, ambition, or
faith in their own capabilities. Hovering over your kids sends a
clear message: You can’t do anything on your own.
We do too much, whether it’s chores, directing play time or

managing every minute of their day. Kids don’t have a chance to
find who they are or what they’re capable of.
They can’t face or cope with the inevitable difficulties life will
throw at them. After all, we’d buffered and saved them as much
as we can. So much so that they grow up still depending on us
for things they should be able to do.
So it’s actually better to stop hovering or get too involved.

Picture a mom at the park with a five-year-old. He gets in a
scuffle with another child over whose turn it is to cross the
monkey bars. Her first instinct is to stand up and make sure all
ends in peace.
Turns out, her child would benefit much more if she remained
sitting down and allowed him handle it himself. It’s awkward
and painful, especially if the resolution doesn’t end on a
positive note. The other child might’ve said something cruel, or
made him feel belittled or hurt.
But even those painful moments are just as valuable as those

with a positive resolution. Her son will learn how to think for
himself when someone hurts or mistreats him. He’ll draw within
himself the tools he needs to stand up for what he feels is just.
He’ll learn forgiveness and the balance between brushing things
off and taking action.
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He won’t learn any of this if his mom steps in and tell the kids
what to do.
Back in the day, we never had “play dates.” We played on our

own—unsupervised—with other children. We learned how to
make friends and cope with frustration. These are just a few of
the benefits kids miss out on when we hover.
And that’s just one example of hovering over your kids. Think of
the other ways, like not letting them out of our sight at home.
Micromanaging their tasks. Not giving them alone time or the
space they need for downtime.
You might think What if bad things happen? What if my child

does get hurt? What if she won’t know what to do?
No doubt, there’s a slim chance your child will slip and fall off
the ladder at the playground, all because you weren’t there to
catch her. What to do?
• Use your best judgment and how well you know your child
and her capabilities. A child who can climb a playground
structure won’t need as much guidance as one who still can’t.
• Give your child age-appropriate opportunities. A one-year-

old won’t be able to do crafts on her own, much less use
scissors. But she can play in her room with age-appropriate
toys. Likewise, a toddler can play in the tot area at the park,
but might not do too well playing in the big kids playground.
• Weigh the benefits and downsides of your presence. There’s

still a chance your child will fall, even after you’ve decided
she’s more than capable. But what’s better: to project your
fear and hover over her for the slight chance she’ll fall? Or
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projecting the confidence you have about her abilities? Be

present when you’re needed. And if you’re not, it’s best to
step aside.
How to stop hovering over your child

Each parent will make her own decision on how much autonomy
her child can handle. But giving your child autonomy will help
her develop a sense of self. She’ll feel motivated to take her
own initiative and stay focused because she has a say in what
to do.
So, how can you stop hovering over your kids and give them the
time and space to discover?
Stay nearby
Stay nearby while you let your child do her thing. For instance,
your six-year-old can wash dishes while you cook. Your toddler
can play with Lego while you read on the couch. You’re nearby,
but not directing your child’s activities.
By staying nearby, you can keep an eye on your child while

giving her the space to work and play on her own. You’re near
enough should she need or want your company, but not hovering
so much that you take over her play or task.
Let your child lead play
Your child can enjoy herself even when she’s not playing “the
right way.” She doesn’t have to create the Lego pieces exactly
like the picture. She might have more fun creating her own
figures and creations.
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The best part? Your child will feel more invested in play because
she gets to decide how it goes. After all, play is the best way for
children to develop skills and manage their feelings. Hovering
over your kids and telling her how to play defeats its purpose.
Allow your child to figure it out
One of the most difficult parts of giving kids space is watching

them struggle. It’s tempting to shield them from hardship, but
kids benefit with figuring things out themselves. And yes, even
when they fail or make mistakes.
When you see your child struggling to put the wrong puzzle
piece, stay back. Don’t solve the problem for her. Otherwise she
doesn’t have the chance to figure it out herself.
And if she’s truly struggling, simply say, “Let me know if you

need help.” And even then, only provide the minimal amount of
help to get her started. You might help by putting all the pieces
picture-side up. Or suggest that she look for a puzzle piece
that’s also blue. All without doing it for her outright.
Give your child alone time
Perhaps the simplest way to stop hovering over your kids is to

ensure they have time alone. Don’t schedule or manage the
day so much that they don’t have a chance to relax and tinker
at home.
That could be the hours after school, or weekend mornings to

lounge at home. It could even mean leaving your child alone
if you see her reading a book. Kids appreciate having time to
themselves.
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And don’t worry about not paying enough attention to them.

Your kids will let you know when they’re ready to spend time
with you again. They’ll likely stop what they’re doing and come
up to you, or ask you for help.
Conclusion
It’s scary, I know. Holding back and letting your child figure it
out on her own is a challenge for many parents.
It might be standing a few feet away as your toddler climbs the

playground structure. Maybe it’s letting your preschooler sort a
scuffle with another child unaided. Or it might be hanging back
so your child can do homework all on her own.
Hovering over your kids is tempting but sends the wrong

message. Despite all its good intentions, it tells your child you
don’t think she’s capable of doing it on her own. She isn’t able
to trust her own judgment, or even enjoy the activity.
Instead, give her the time and space to figure things out. She’ll
develop a strong sense of self and the autonomy she needs later
in life.
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Day 10:
Why Every Parent
Needs to Show Empathy
Last night, my six-year-old thought I didn’t care about him. And

all because of wooden blocks.
I opened our box of wooden blocks for my three boys to dig into.
By the time they separated their stash, he had way more than
the other two. In an attempt to be fair, I counted all the blocks
and divided them equally among all three. And that meant
taking a few blocks away from him.
He started to pout and cry. It’s just a bunch of blocks, I tried to

convince him. You had way more than them.
The crying didn’t stop, and I had to take a break in another

room. It doesn’t get better: When he followed me, I left to go to
another room.
Only until he cried, “You don’t care about me” did I realize how
foolish I’d been behaving.
Think to the last time your child cried, misbehaved, or otherwise

made you upset. Maybe he didn’t want to put his shoes on
when you were already late. Or he was whining because he
didn’t want to get out of bed. Maybe he even hit his sister or
demolished her tower of blocks.
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day 10: Why Every Parent Needs to Show Empathy
And with each situation, tensions seemed to spiral down with

no end.
Wouldn’t it be nice to remove the power struggle and frustration

in each case? We can, when we show empathy.
The power of empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and even share what other
people must be feeling. Not only is it an essential skill for your
child to learn, it’s also an important parenting tool you can apply.
Empathy makes us more understanding and patient. It’s easier

to lose your temper when all you see is a child who hit his
sister.
But when you imagine how he must be feeling, you might notice
it’s because his sister grabbed a toy out of his hand. You’re able
to connect and show him you understand why he must’ve done
what he did.
Not that it was the right thing to do. Empathy isn’t about letting
kids get away because you understand their motives weren’t
wrong. Just because your child felt slighted by his sister doesn’t
mean he should hit her anytime he does.
But it removes the power struggles between the two of you as it

becomes a team effort. It’s not mom on one side and child on
the other. Instead, it’s both mom and child figuring out how to
cope with his frustration and behave in a better way.
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How to show empathy for kids

Even if you think you react or get upset too quickly, you can still
show empathy. It’s never too late. After I realized my mistake
with my son over the wooden blocks, I apologized. I had hurt his
feelings, but I knew I could still connect with him.
How? By asking myself these three questions. Try it the next

time your child needs more empathy:
#1: “Why is my child behaving this way?”
The first step is to stop reacting to our kids and instead

respond. Think about the last time your child misbehaved. If
you react, you’ll likely get upset, lose your patience or yell.
But if we pause and respond, we’re able to keep our cool and be
more attuned to our kids. So much so that we can ask ourselves
why they’re behaving this way in the first place.
When all we see is a child not doing what he’s supposed to do,
it’s easy to lash out and get everyone even more upset. But if we
ask why, we can understand his motives.
For instance, you might see your child was in the middle of
solving a puzzle when you asked him to put on his shoes.
Understanding the reason helps us better connect with our kids
than assuming they weren’t listening.
#2: “What must my child be feeling?”
Understanding why our kids did what they did was the first
step. The next is to see what they must be feeling.
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In doing so, we might realize, He didn’t like when I interrupted

his puzzle so suddenly. He was probably concentrating hard and
enjoying the game. It must’ve been difficult to transition out of
that activity.
Only in examining what our kids must be feeling can we then

put ourselves in their shoes. We wouldn’t like it much either if
we were enjoying an activity and someone told us to stop and
do something else. We’d feel hurt that our feelings weren’t
acknowledged and our hard work ignored.
The same is true for our kids.
Only when I asked what my son must’ve been feeling was I able
to show empathy. I realized he didn’t like his grand plans to
build with wooden blocks thrown off. I also saw it doesn’t feel
good to have to give up your items, even for fair purposes.
The beauty of showing empathy? It connects us. We realize

we’re not so different from one another. That we may even act
in a similar way had it been us.
And it allows parents to communicate in ways that show more

understanding and patience. We can reach them using words
they can relate to and feelings they understand.
#3: “What can I do to show my child I understand?”
The first two questions above are all internal—insights that

happen within us. Now it’s time to communicate with our kids
and show them we understand what they must be feeling.
Often the first step to show empathy is through body language.

A child might be crying too loudly to even hear any words
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we say. And besides, body language is universal and more

understandable than words.
Ask yourself what your child needs from you right now. Maybe
it’s a hug, a kiss or a tight embrace to show him you’re here.
It could be a facial expression that shows you’re sorry and
will do better next time. He might even need space and a few
minutes alone.
Then think about how to communicate and show empathy

through words. A sample approach might be to:
1. Acknowledge his motives: “You were playing with that toy

and having fun, weren’t you? You must have felt so upset
when your sister grabbed it out of your hands.”
2. Say the rule: “We don’t hit other people, though.”
3. Explain why: “Hitting hurts other people, and there are
better ways to say you’re mad.”
4. Show a better alternative: “Next time she gets you mad, tell
her, ‘I’m mad!’ Or tell her it’s still your turn.”
Imagine how different that conversation would be if we left out

the first step—empathy. Kids would only hear rules, reasons
and alternatives, all while we ignore their emotions.
But when we include that crucial first step, they soften. They
might cry less and relax their shoulders, all because they felt
heard and understood.
Conclusion
Empathy is such a crucial skill for everyone to practice. We
need empathy not just to raise kids but to interact with other
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adults. Children need empathy to get along with others. It

makes interacting with kids easier and models a critical skill
they can learn.
I might’ve remained upset and impatient with my son had I not

practiced empathy. It’s just wooden blocks, I might’ve justified
to myself.
But I would’ve lost an opportunity to relate to his feelings. He’d

have no chance to feel heard and understood.
And he wouldn’t have felt reassured that I do care about him—

very much—even if he cries over a set of wooden blocks.
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Day 11:
One Guaranteed Way to Show
You Respect Your Children
This morning, I walked my three-year-old twins to preschool

when one of them began to sulk and stall. He just stopped
walking. My response?
“Don’t give me trouble! Hurry up already!”
For many of us, this happens all too often. We don’t treat kids
with the respect they need. We yell, say things we regret, and
forget this isn’t the ideal way to interact with them.
To be fair, our kids aren’t always reasonable. They test our

patience and need guidance and instruction. They’re also not
as experienced as adults and will make mistakes tying laces or
pouring a cup of water.
And yes, we expect them to listen when we need them to and

finish their work and responsibilities. If they don’t, then it’s up
to us to enforce consequences and teach them how to behave.
Still, we need to treat them with respect, both when they

behave and when they don’t. And I’ll give you a neat trick to see
if you’re giving your child respect (well, actually two).
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day 11: One Guaranteed Way to Show You Respect Your Children
How to check if you respect your children

Recall your most recent interaction with your child. Now
ask yourself:
Would you treat another person this way?
These last few days, I’ve been noticing how I talk to my kids
and realized I wouldn’t say it the same way to my husband. I
wouldn’t tell him to hurry up already or get annoyed with him as
I do with my kids.
It’s so easy to lose our temper with our kids than anyone else.
Maybe it’s because they test our patience more. Or we rely on
their desire to please their parents. Or maybe motherhood has
been hard that we take our frustrations out on them.
Another way to check? Ask yourself this bonus question:
Would you be okay if another adult

spoke to your child this way?
I can’t imagine my twins’ former nanny telling them to “Hurry

up already!” or losing her temper with them. I’m sure every
day wasn’t perfect for her, but I’d be pretty upset if I saw her
speaking to them without respect.
Think about the adults in your child’s life: grandparents,

teachers, daycare providers. If you wouldn’t be happy hearing
them treat your kids the way you did, it’s likely you need to
show more respect.
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No guilt trips
As moms, we burden ourselves with enough guilt as it is. This

shouldn’t feel like another slap on the hand. Instead, think of it
as a way to improve your interactions with your kids. After all,
we can’t correct problems we’re not aware of.
The “respect” cycle

The best part? Changing the way you speak to your kids leads to
benefits not just for them, but for you as well.
You give respect to get it
The best way to change your child’s behavior is to model it

yourself. Kids learn much more from your actions than anything
you tell them to do. Telling them to speak to you with respect
won’t be as effective as respecting your child to begin with.
The more you respect your child, the more she’ll turn around
and respect you right back. Not only that, she’ll treat others
with respect as well. She learns this is the norm and is what’s
expected of her.
Respecting your child will lead to less arguments and behavior

issues. And it cycles back—less misbehavior means you’re more
likely to respect her as well.
So yes, it’s tempting to resort to an angry word to get your

point across. But respecting your children is more effective at
addressing misbehavior in the long run.
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Conclusion
It can be difficult to show respect in the thick of stress,
misbehavior and defiance. A child who hit her brother or hurled
a book across the room seems to deserve a forceful word or two.
Thing is, you can show respect even as you discipline

your child. You’re building trust and strengthening your
relationship—two factors for better interaction.
Parenting aside, respecting your children honors the spirit they

are. At the end of the day, we need to be the kind of people who
respects others, no matter how difficult it can be.
Including a three-year-old who refuses to budge on his morning

walk to school.
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Day 12:
4 Benefits of Teaching
Kids Responsibility
I had a problem: I was doing everything for my kids.
The day would go by much quicker, after all. Tying their laces?
I could do it in five seconds. Pulling up their pants? They’d get
their undies all tangled. And leaving my eldest to do the dishes
on his own meant finding soap residue on the plates.
For the longest time, I even thought I was supposed to be doing

everything. That I’m doing a great job by being a hands-on
mom. The parent who’s involved in her kids’ lives and knows
every detail of their day. Doing everything for my kids came
natural to me.
If it weren’t for my husband, I’d likely still be cutting my six-

year-old’s meat and bathing him in the tub.
The benefits of teaching kids responsibility

Now I know better.
And at first, the benefits seem obvious. We want kids to pitch

in. Parents are tired of nagging, and kids of being nagged. Kids
are “supposed” to do chores.
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day 12: 4 Benefits of Teaching Kids Responsibility
But teaching kids responsibility have hidden benefits, not just

for parents but for children too.
#1: We’re not raising kids—we’re raising future adults
We all need to try, fail and learn throughout our lives. Kids need
the opportunity to practice during childhood—when the stakes
aren’t so high. Forgetting to finish homework is one thing.
Forgetting to complete a job application is another.
By not teaching kids responsibility, we’re not doing our primary

job: raising future adults.
Think of childhood as the testing ground of life. Everything

our kids learn and do gears them up for even more complex
scenarios and higher stakes.
Giving them responsibilities now helps them fine tune the skills
they’ll need when those responsibilities bear more weight.
What you can do now: Give your kids age-appropriate chores,

starting from age two.
#2: Kids learn to take feedback
In college, I had a knack for writing poetry, but couldn’t bear

the thought that I had to try hard. I assumed I either had it in
me, or I didn’t.
So when I won a few poetry competitions, I figured I was a

natural. But when I entered and lost a huge poetry show, I gave
up. Just like that, I stopped writing poetry.
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I don’t want my kids to feel like they either have talent or they
don’t. I want them to believe that effort trumps any sort of
supposedly inherent skills they have.
So, what does this have to do with teaching kids responsibility?

They learn how to take feedback. Because they won’t get it right
the first time. They’ll spill water all over the table the first time
they try pouring their own cup. They’ll leave soap residue on the
dishes.
But they’ll also learn how to take feedback as a positive

critique. We shouldn’t micromanage every mistake, but we can
get them used to hearing constructive feedback on their work.
Teaching kids responsibility starts with showing them how to do
the task and correcting it if need be.
What you can do now: Give your child useful feedback,

correcting only her actions, not herself as a person. And only
give feedback for important things. Leaving oil and soap residue
on dishes is important—how she stacks the plates is not.
#3: Kids rise to our expectations
I’ve learned that kids will rise to our expectations, whether

we set them low or high. Imagine a child who only hears he
can amount to a certain level and no more. She replays that
message in her head over and over and will behave as others
expect of her.
Now, imagine a child who hears that the sky is the limit. She,
too, will replay that message and will act accordingly.
By teaching kids responsibility, we trust their capabilities and

know they can do it. We might think we’re doting on our kids by
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tending to all their needs, but these actions only convey that we
don’t think they can do it on their own.
What you can do now: Give your child a responsibility that’s

a notch above what she’s currently doing. Stretch your own
expectations and see whether she can handle the task on her
own. You might be surprised at what she can do.
#4: Kids develop their own organizational methods
Every week, my six-year-old’s class goes to the school library

where each child borrows a book. He did this last year in
kindergarten and continues to do so in first grade. The only
difference? This year, he’s responsible for everything.
Last year, I was the one who knew which day he’d be going to
the library. I’d look for the library book at home and tuck it in
his backpack. If I didn’t, I’d remind him the night before to
do it.
This year, I’m determined to be hands off and let him take the
lead. And not only has he remembered to bring the book every
week, he’s also developed ways to remember.
For instance, he wrote his own chore list that includes anything
from making his bed to—you guessed it—returning his library
book. He also remembers that library day is the same day as
his class reading party—both events that happen to be book-
related.
All on his own, he’s found ways to organize his responsibilities.

He would never have done that if I continued to do these tasks
for him.
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What you can do now: Don’t save your child all the time. Allow
her to experience the consequences of not being responsible
for age-appropriate tasks. She may just devise her own ways to
remember next time.
How to teach your child a task

So, how can we encourage autonomy and give responsibilities?
How do we balance doing a job well and learning to let go? It
comes down to four steps:
1. Do the task while your child watches: Describe what you’re

doing as your child watches and observes.
2. Do the task together: Doing the task together gives your child
the chance to try it with your help.
3. Let your child do the task while you watch: Now you’ve
switched. Let your child do the task while you watch. Having
you nearby provides instant feedback and instruction while
still giving her full ownership of the task.
4. Let your child do the task on her own, unsupervised: Finally,
the ultimate goal. At this point, your child should be able to
do the task on her own without your help or supervision.
Conclusion
In the first few days, it took my eldest a good five to ten
minutes to practice tying his laces. This is a long time when
you’re trying to get out of the house on time. I bit my tongue
each time I was tempted to grab the laces and tie them myself.
But as the days went by, he learned how to loop and tug the
laces quicker. He realized he has to tie them tight if he doesn’t
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want them to come undone. And now, he can tie his laces
almost as quickly as I can.
All because I backed off.
The best part when parents give kids responsibilities? They feel
proud, accomplished. What was once foreign is now something
they do, all on their own. And they feel like a contributing
member of the family, doing things that previously only their
parents had done.
I’m learning the real benefits of teaching kids responsibility.

After all, I think about my three-year-old twins and can’t
imagine pulling up their pants in kindergarten.
I might as well start teaching them now.
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Day 13:
are you giving your
child enough autonomy?
Want to know the one thing we need to stop doing if we want to

encourage our children’s love of learning?
We all do it, hidden even with the best of intentions. It happens

when we:
• Bribe kids to do something with an incentive

• Threaten to confiscate a treasured item if they don’t obey
• Hover over their actions to make sure they do it right
• Judge their emotions, behaviors and even personalities
• Give rewards for accomplishments
• Praise to impose our own goals on them
If you cringed reading the above because they sound all too
familiar, you’re not alone. We all do this one thing these
behaviors have in common:
Control.
I’ve learned that the single most damaging thing parents can
do to our children’s learning is to control it. Just from the list
above, I was surprised by how easy it is for us to exert control
over our kids.
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day 13: are you giving yourchild enough autonomy?
We bribe them with new pencils and erasers if they finish

their homework. We push them to excel in sports even when
they show no interest being on any teams. And we criticize
their mistakes when we should be praising their effort and
perseverance.
A few days ago, my three-year-old was excited to practice

writing with me. He scrambled to find a seat at the table and
picked up a pencil. Then I showed him how to write the letter
“h,” something he’d been learning.
I had seen how well he’s been writing letters at school. So when
he scribbled a barely legible “h,” I assumed he was testing me
yet again.
“That’s not how you write ‘h,’” I began. “I know you can do it.
Let me see you write another one.”
His mood colored from excitement to frustration. And I knew

right then I had seized control over what should’ve been a
learning opportunity.
It can be hard for parents to relinquish control, especially when

kids don’t meet our expectations. Maybe it’s in our personality,
or we see ourselves doing our job and being useful. We can’t
imagine our kids making decisions and facing potential failure
and mistakes.
But controlling and micromanaging our kids sends one clear

message: I don’t think you can do this.
So, what’s the solution that encourages kids to grow and learn,
all without control?
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Autonomy.
Let’s define autonomy with what it isn’t: It’s not independence,

though we can confuse the two since they’re often done alone.
Independence is freedom from control. Close, but not quite.
Autonomy is more than that. It’s the power and the opportunity
to decide for oneself how to do something. No micromanaging,
luring with rewards or threatening to do things a certain way.
It’s letting kids determine for themselves how they want to do it.
Figuring out what works, and what doesn’t. Letting it go if they
don’t do it exactly the way we’d have done it, even if it means
they make mistakes.
Mistakes are, after all, our best teachers.
The case of the messy bed
My six-year-old makes his bed every morning. In the beginning,

I showed him how I do it, and tips to get the sheets smooth and
the bed done quickly.
But he doesn’t remove his blankets from the bed like how I do
it. He just pulls and stretches until they cover the mattress.
He doesn’t even stack his pillows one on top of the other and
instead lays them into an L-shape.
I’ve been tempted to redo his bed, throwing the sheets and
blankets to the floor and starting over. He’d sleep more
comfortably this way, I’ve thought.
Except I’ve learned to leave it, even if I don’t think he’ll

sleep as well. If it does bother him, he’ll learn to fix it so it
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won’t anymore. So far it doesn’t seem to. And he feels more

ownership and pride with his “not so neat” bed than if I had
fixed it my way.
How to foster autonomy in children

So, how can we encourage autonomy and resist the urge
to control?
#1: Learn to spot the times when your child doesn’t

need you
It can be so tempting to step in and “be useful.” We see a

three-year-old reading a book on her own and will want to
suggest reading together every time. A toddler struggling with
scooping rice so we take the spoon and scoop it for her. Even
the child playing robots doesn’t always need a playmate.
If in doubt, err on not interrupting. Kids have a knack for letting

us know when they want our company (“Mama! Mama! Mama!”
sound familiar?). Observe your child and see if she does need
your help, or if she could better use the time to herself.
#2: Do just one notch above what they need help with
My twins have been more independent with the potty and

pulling their undies and pants up. But sometimes, they get
these all bunched up, as undies and clothes can sometimes do.
But instead of pulling the undies and pants up completely, I do

just one notch above what they need help with. The one small
thing they need so they can do it on their own.
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In my case, that meant untangling the undies and pants. With

the elastics no longer bunched together, they can now pull it on
their own.
If your child does need help, try to do just one notch that will
help her do it herself. The point isn’t to do the task completely
for her, but to help her just enough to finish it on her own.
#3: Give feedback only if needed
Part of encouraging autonomy means not micromanaging. Let

your child stack the dishes north-south even if you stack them
east-west. If it makes little to no difference in the final goal,
learn to let it go.
At the same time, we still need to teach them effective and

correct ways to do these tasks. While there may not be a
“correct” way to stack dishes, we should point out they forgot to
add dishwasher soap.
It’s okay to correct and give feedback, but only if needed. My

son had been washing dishes when I noticed he wasn’t rinsing
the soap well. He was even leaving oily residue on some of the
plates. I needed to correct him if he’s to learn how to wash and
clean dishes.
But he also stacked the dishes the way I wouldn’t have. Bowls
and plates were everywhere, with little order. Did it matter in
the bigger picture? No, so I let it go.
#4: Don’t redo your child’s work
Giving kids autonomy isn’t just backing off to let them do things
their own way. We have to back so far off that we don’t touch it
even after it’s been done.
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We’re still controlling our kids and not giving them autonomy if
we redo their work. “Fixing” their mistakes sends the message
that their work isn’t up to standards. That we don’t value their
effort and prefer having it done our way.
Instead, be okay that they did it on their own, not whether they
did it “right.” The purpose of giving kids autonomy isn’t to get
things done how you would do it. Instead, it’s fueling the desire
to do good work, learn and build competence.
Conclusion
We’ve learned that control is the single most damaging thing we
can do to our children’s learning. No one wants to be told what
to do all the time, or feel like anything they do doesn’t add up
to much.
Instead, we want to encourage autonomy—the complete power to

decide for oneself how to do something. It places faith and trust
in our kids, values they crave and need. And it strengthens our
relationship, far more than any directive or control will ever do.
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Day 14:
One Effective Word
to Get Kids to Listen
My three-year-old was stalling over everything. He’d take forever

to put each leg through his shorts. I’d have to wait longer than
usual for him to get out of the van. Even finishing dinner was
another way for him to not do something I asked him to do.
He knows he gets a reaction when he does this. Other times,

he takes things personally and can’t seem to just let it go. And
still other times, it’s difficult to convince him to do something.
He won’t want to stop playing just to take a bath, or share a toy
with his brothers.
And so he doesn’t listen.
But I found a secret trick that almost always works when he

does this. This one magic word seems to change or sway his
behavior, especially right when he stalls. The simple word?
Because.
(And any other version of “because,” like “so,” “that way” or

“so that”)
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day 14: One Effective Word to Get Kids to Listen
Why this one word can get kids to listen

Seems so simple, but it can work wonders with kids. Why is it
an effective way to get them to listen?
We bend toward reason
Psychologists found that we’re more likely to comply when we

know a reason behind the request. Even if the reason seems
obvious or isn’t anything different or unique.
And it works with kids, too.
I might tell my three-year-old it’s time to take a bath because

it’s his turn. Or I’ll say he should focus on eating because he’ll
have more time to play. And other times I’ll ask him to share
because his brother doesn’t have any cars to play with.
You’re not “being mean”
In a world dominated by adults, kids can feel resentful with us

telling them what to do all the time. Imagine following rules
you don’t always understand, or doing things you don’t feel
like doing. And it’s easy for kids to point to their parents and
assume we’re abusing our power and role as their mom or dad.
But saying “because” (or any other “consequence” word)

followed by a good reason takes the parent out of the equation. It
focuses on the task that needs to be done. Suddenly, you’re not
the ”mean mom” who bosses her kids around. You’re just letting
them know why they need to do what you asked them to do.
It can be the difference between “Put your water bottle in

the tote bag” and “Put your water bottle in the tote bag so it
doesn’t spill.” Now he understands there’s a point to this action.
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Kids feel like a contributing member
With the reason front and center, kids take ownership of the
task. We’re not bossing them around just because it seems like
we can. Instead, saying ”because” inspires them to contribute
on their own.
They go from being told what to do to being an important family

member who pitches in. After all, no one wants that water bottle
to spill—it’s up to him to make sure it doesn’t.
How to use this trick effectively to get kids

to listen
As we all know, nothing with parenting is guaranteed. Too many
factors come into play, from personalities to environment to
an off day. Still, I found three tips that make using the word
“because” especially effective.
#1: Give the reason right when you make the request
Giving the reason as soon as you make the initial request

is most effective. It might work after your child has already
stalled, but try to give the reason after the request so it doesn’t
seem like you’re pleading or trying to coax him to do it.
#2: Say the reason matter-of-fact
You know how sometimes we say things to our kids in that bossy
tone of voice? That puts them on the defensive immediately. No
one likes confrontation or feeling inferior to someone else.
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Instead, phrase both the request and the reason as matter-

of-fact. It simply has to be done for this and that reason, not
because we have a hidden agenda.
This tone of voice will further reinforce that the request—

brushing teeth, putting toys away—has to be done for a good
reason and not just “because I said so.”
#3: Phrase the reason as something your child can

benefit from
Giving any reason is usually good enough. But to convince your

child even more, phrase the reason as a benefit—something he
can relate to or understand.
I might tell my three-year-old, “Let’s get out of the van because

we can eat our snacks upstairs.” Now he has even more
incentive to get out of the van when the reason is something he
can enjoy.
The benefits don’t even have to be a direct result. You might

tell your child to sleep early so she can be alert and strong the
next day. Or to clean her toys so she can find them the next
time she plays.
Conclusion
As much as “because” seems like a magic word, its real magic
is promoting a better relationship with our kids.
Rather than barking orders, we treat them with respect. So much

that we give the reason we ask them to do things. We include
them in our decision-making process so they know the reason.
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Yes, we’re more willing to comply if we hear a reason. But

perhaps kids listen because it changes us. Giving a reason
adjusts our tone of voice, our demeanor, and even our body
language.
We go from impatient and irritable to “We’re on the same side.”
Now I know better than to just bark orders at my three-year-old,

especially when I know he’s not in the mood. By giving a reason,
I can get him to listen—and yes, to finally get out of the van.
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Day 15:
A Better but Not Always
Easier Alternative to Timeouts
My three-year-old had been playing with a Transformer when,

out of frustration, he hurled it several feet away. He knew he’s
not supposed to throw certain toys that can break or hurt others,
but he didn’t seem to care.
“We don’t throw those toys,” I glared at him. “Please pick it up

and put it on the shelf.”
As expected, he stayed rooted to where he sat. Insert more

threats here and there, and, I regret to admit, said, “You need
to go to your room. Right now.”
He’s not supposed to throw toys, I justified. I have no time

for this.
Except I realized I wasn’t behaving with the best intentions for

my child. Sending him to his room had little to do with throwing
a Transformer. For someone who doesn’t use timeouts, I still
succumb at times, especially when I’m angry.
Many people use timeouts—how can it not be an effective

method? Well, I learned a better alternative to timeouts. One
that respects our kids and helps them learn valuable lessons.
But there’s a catch: It’s much harder to implement.
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day 15: A Better but Not Always Easier Alternative to Timeouts
Alternatives to timeout
Instead of a timeout, have a time in.
I first heard the idea of a time in from Dr. Laura Markham in her
book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. Instead of banishing kids
away, draw them closer. Seems crazy, right? My son just threw
a toy that could’ve hurt someone. Why would I want to give him
a hug?
Turns out, timeout isn’t effective and damages our relationship

with our kids:
• Kids don’t learn how to manage emotions and behavior,

which leads to more misbehavior. (When they know how to
behave, they tend to misbehave less.)
• Timeout sends the wrong message that we only love them
when they feel positive emotions, not difficult ones like
anger and frustration.
• Kids feel ashamed, as if they’re bad people.
• We can abuse timeouts as a way to leverage our control
through fear.
• Timeout puts parents and kids on opposite sides rather than
on the same team working toward a common goal.
Even with so many benefits of a time in, we might wonder

if we’re condoning misbehavior. It can seem strange to give
kids attention after they had just done something they’re not
supposed to do.
But don’t think of a time in as a reward.
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We’re not condoning misbehavior because we’re drawing them

close to us. Condoning misbehavior means allowing them to
continue throwing toys, or ignoring them completely. Our kids
aren’t going to misbehave because they got a nice warm hug
from mom.
Instead, think of a time in as helping kids manage emotions

and behavior, not rewarding it.
Misbehavior and meltdowns are your child’s struggles. Maybe

she doesn’t know how to communicate feeling tired. Or she’s
upset someone took her toy. Or you haven’t met her needs.
A time in tells your child, I will always be here to help you learn
and better manage this tough feeling. I love you even when you
have difficult emotions.
Is there ever a situation where a timeout is necessary?

Sometimes it’s better to send our kids away when we feel we’re
about to lose our temper. Even better, I’d rather put myself in a
timeout to cool down.
But we should try to send the message that we’re here for our
kids, no matter what. And the best way to do that is through a
time in.
Best practices for a time in

As effective as a time in may be, it’s also much harder than a
timeout. It’s hard to keep your cool and make yourself available
to your child when you’re just as frustrated as she is. We’re
human, after all. When someone upsets us the way our kids do,
we want to lash right back.
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Sending them to timeout is fast and, in the short run, seems

to work. But it’s an easy way out. Draw your child in, and you’ll
reap the benefits of a strong parent-child relationship.
How?
Help your child calm down
If your child is throwing a tantrum, it’s impossible to get

through to her with words or logic. Instead, focus on calming
her down through body language. Stay nearby, hold her if she
lets you, and rock her side to side. Let her know you’re here.
This reassures your child you understand what she’s going

through. That it’s normal and will eventually pass. She’s not
alone and can always turn to you when she has a difficult
time behaving.
Label your child’s emotions
One of the best things you can do during a time in is to label

your child’s emotions. Many kids have no idea what these
physical and mental emotions are. They wonder if something is
wrong with them, or even if they’ll ever feel happy again.
But by labeling emotions, it reassures our kids of many things:
• These feelings are common

• Everyone goes through them
• Their emotions will go away eventually
• We understand and have experienced what they’re
going through
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Perhaps the biggest benefit with labeling your child’s emotions?

It provides a more effective way for her to communicate instead
of having an outburst. It’s the difference between throwing a fit
and saying, “I’m mad.”
Let them find comfort and guidance in you
I’m always amazed what a difference a time in can make with

my kids. With a timeout, emotions are flaring and walls are
built. But with time ins, we’re on the same side of that wall.
Let your child crumble in your arms. She’s seeking solace for
emotions too difficult for her to cope with on her own. When
you make yourself available in this way, you’ll see a physical
change: Her shoulders will soften, her tears go from angry to
calling for help.
She knows you’re here, no matter what.
Don’t give in to demands
Having a time in doesn’t mean agreeing to your child’s

demands. Don’t give her the iPad she was fussing over to try
and calm her down. That may seem like a solution, but you
wouldn’t be giving her the limits she needs to learn.
While you’re not giving in to demands, do make it known that

she has your full love and attention. Focus less on the iPad and
more on helping her label her emotions.
So it’s not so much, “You’ll get to use the iPad tomorrow” but
rather “You were having fun playing, weren’t you? And now you
feel mad because you can’t play with it for today.”
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Explain the rules, but not right away
Part of why time ins are so effective is because they allow your
child to learn from the situation. Sending her to timeout alone
doesn’t show her how to better behave or learn why she feels
the way she does.
Once your child is calm and is receptive to listening, explain

what went wrong. First, acknowledge her intentions. Like the
example above, you might say she was having fun playing with
the iPad and felt upset when she had to stop.
Then, explain or reiterate the rules. She’s only allowed to use

the iPad for 30 minutes a day. It’s dinner time and we don’t
allow toys at the table. Transformers are hard toys and can hurt
other people or even break.
Give alternatives
Your child will feel upset again at some point. Explain what you
can both do instead when she feels herself getting frustrated.
She might say “I’m mad!” She could grab a favorite comfort toy
when she feels overwhelmed. You could set a timer to indicate
when her time with the iPad is up.
This is when the real magic happens that kids don’t benefit
from during timeouts. They learn strategies to cope so the
misbehavior doesn’t happen as often.
Conclusion
I won’t lie: It’s much easier for me to send my kids to timeout
when they misbehave. I’m too angry to feel affectionate, no
matter how much they need me to be. And coaxing them
through fear and punishment seems to work right away.
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But doing time ins have been instrumental in building a strong

relationship with my kids, one that lasts far longer than any
short-term, immediate benefits of a timeout.
And, as with all things parenting, kids are unpredictable. You

can’t keep a spreadsheet to measure how effective you’ve been
as a parent. Some days are great while on others, even the best
tips don’t make a difference.
So yes, it’s hard to push your own anger aside to make yourself
available to your kids. This is perhaps the biggest reason
parenting is hard work. We push our own needs out of the way
for the moment so we can help our kids with theirs.
But the results? My kids and I feel much better after we resolve
a situation together than if I had sent them to timeout. Holding
them close even calms my once flaring anger down.
And they know I’m always here for them, even when they throw
tantrums and hurl Transformers across the room.
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Day 16:
How Teaching Kids about
Emotions Reduces Misbehavior
My three-year-old told me I made him sad, and I couldn’t be

prouder.
Let me back up.
Picking up three kids from two schools in the afternoons is not

my favorite part of the day.
On one recent trip, I was buckling them in the van with all three
telling me different stories at the same time. I was trying to
listen to my eldest, who was first to talk, but his brothers kept
interrupting.
“You have to wait your turn to talk,” I told both of them. “I’m
trying to buckle you all in, and listen to your brother talking. Tell
me later.”
In previous times, my little guy would’ve erupted in tears,

or worse, a tantrum. But that day, with his lip quivering, he
blurted, “You made me sad.”
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day 16: How Teaching Kids about Emotions Reduces Misbehavior
The power of teaching kids about emotions

I first learned the importance of talking about emotions with
kids, particularly labeling them, in The Whole Brain Child by
Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. And since then, I saw
the results and was hooked.
Here are four benefits of teaching kids about emotions:
#1: Kids feel reassured
You and I know the feelings we get when they strike. We can
pinpoint whether we’re excited, anxious, angry or sad. We also
know these feelings happen to everyone and that they’ll pass.
And no matter how unpleasant some of them may be, we also
understand they’re inevitable.
But feelings are completely overwhelming to kids. What seems

obvious to us isn’t as clear to them. They wonder whether
something’s wrong with them when these difficult feelings
occur. They even worry if their parents will stop loving them.
The feeling itself also doesn’t feel good. They usually come with
a fast heart beat, clenching of the jaws, or tummy aches. Add to
that the unfamiliarity of these emotions. Kids don’t know what’s
happening to them and wonder if they’re strange or different.
And they don’t know if these feelings will go away. Like an

ailment, they’re not sure if this is a one-time thing or a terrible
feeling they’re stuck with.
But labeling emotions reassures them of their worries. That

this is normal and will go away and that everyone goes through
difficult feelings.
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#2: Order to the chaos
One of the chapters in The Whole Brain Child is called “Name

It to Tame It.” Have you heard of “left brain/right brain”? Kids
tend to start off using the right side of the brain. Think emotion,
body language, facial expression and “being in the moment.”
When kids throw tantrums and outbursts, they’re in full right

brain mode. They’re not using logic, even if we told them why
they don’t have to cry. Their brains are going haywire from the
chaos they feel.
One of the best ways to restore that chaos is to label their

emotions. Kids are most balanced when they’re using both left
brain logic and right brain emotion.
Once kids have calmed down enough to listen, we can then

discuss the emotions they just felt. The act of putting a name to
an emotion draws on their left brains.
#3: An alternative to outbursts
That day when my son told me I made him mad was proof how
effective teaching kids about emotions can be.
Rather than resorting to outbursts or more tears, he was able to

tell me how he felt. And the only way he was able to articulate
that was because I’d been labeling emotions. He was able to
tie his current emotions with similar ones in the past and knew
exactly what he was going through.
This applies to many difficult emotions. The child who’s upset

and about to push his little sister could instead say, “I’m
mad!” The one who feels groggy at the end of the day can say,
“I’m tired.”
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And even the kids who saw a scary scene in a cartoon can say,
“That scares me!” in time for mom to stop the show.
Kids throw tantrums when they don’t have the words to describe
what’s bothering them. Labeling emotions gives them one more
tool to use so they don’t have to resort to an outburst.
#4: The ability to cope with emotions
Knowing and identifying emotions is just one part. Now, kids

can also learn different ways to cope with the more difficult
ones. After all, isn’t that our ultimate goal? As kids grow up,
we want them to be able to manage these difficult emotions on
their own.
And so they learn coping mechanisms to do just that. Let’s say

a child identifies and understands that he feels sad. As difficult
as it is, he knows he’s not alone, that he’s loved and that it’ll
pass. He may even tell others that he feels sad.
And now, he can do something about it.
He might grab his favorite stuffed animal to make him feel

better. Walk away from his brother who had grabbed all the toy
cars. Suck his thumb or run to his mom for comfort.
These are all admirable ways to cope with a frustrating feeling,

and he’s only able to do so because he understands what
sadness is.
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Best practices for teaching kids about

emotions
Now that we know the importance of labeling emotions, how
can we apply this to everyday life?
• Describe your child’s emotions. Make a note to identify and

describe your child’s emotions. From mad to sad to anxious
and worried, talk about emotions openly and as they’re
experiencing it. And don’t limit it to difficult emotions,
either. Talk about feeling excited for a party or happy to play
at the park.
• Don’t talk until after an outburst. If your child is going

through an outburst, save your words until after he has
calmed down. Remember left brain/right brain? He’s in
full right brain mode at that point and won’t even process
anything you say. Wait until he’s calm and can listen.
• Reassure your child that these feelings are normal. Each

time your child experiences a difficult emotion, reassure him
that it’s normal. Let him know that everyone feels them, even
you. That they will go away soon, and that you still love him
no matter what.
• Praise your child for telling you how he feels. It’s a huge
developmental leap for a child to be able to identify how he
feels. When your child does, praise and thank him for doing
so. Let him know he can talk about feelings, no matter what
they may be. This can encourage him to continue identifying
and labeling his emotions.
• Offer ways to cope. Here’s where you can show your child
what to do when he feels a difficult emotion strike. He might
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go to his room for quiet time if a large crowd starts to feel

overwhelming. He could come to you and let you know he
needs help. Or he might take a deep breath as I’ve seen my
three-year-old do, or walk away.
• Describe how you’re feeling. Modeling behavior is the best

way to show our kids how to behave. Describe any emotions
you might be feeling, both good and bad. You might say
you feel excited to have ice cream after dinner, or you could
explain you feel worried about work. This shows your child
how to behave and reinforces the idea that everyone feels
emotions.
Conclusion
No doubt our kids will still have tantrums. Even big kids will
still cry and get frustrated (heck, even adults need a good
cry sometimes).
But when your days feel like one tantrum after another, practice
labeling emotions. Get into the habit of naming feelings you or
your child experience. You might find that this simple act can
reduce the number of outbursts he feels.
Who knows—you just might feel proud of your child for saying
you made him sad.
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Day 17:
How Understanding Child
Development Can Help You
Keep Your Sanity
I sometimes imagine what a day would look like if my kids
behaved like adults.
They’d share toys all the time. They’d know better than to run
with a plate full of crumbs and instead place it slowly in the
sink. Or they might understand it’s the end of the day, and I
don’t have the mental energy to listen to endless stories.
Of course, that isn’t what happens—the opposite, in many

cases. And I’d find myself feeling exasperated, wondering,
Who’d think it’s a good idea to run with a plate full of crumbs?
But then I’d glance at my shelf and see the handful of books I
bought when I first learned I was going to be a mom.
Books about what to expect, down to the week or month of their

childhood. Others about how much sleep kids need, and every
ailment you can find (plus the remedies to fix them).
And I remembered reading books on child development to

understand why kids behave the way they do.
Those topics had been so easy to understand back then, before

I had kids. Of course it made sense for kids to throw a tantrum,
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day 17: How Understanding Child Development Can Help You Keep Your Sanity
in public no less. And yes, kids will keep doing the same thing
over and over even after you’d told them not to.
But once you become a mom, it’s easier to forget those common
sense reminders, especially when all three kids are talking at
the same time while you’re trying to run their bath.
Child development and behavior

As frustrating as kids can be, I tell myself this important
reminder when they drive me crazy:
This is normal.
The way your child behaves, no matter how strange or

infuriating, is all part of how he’s growing. Certain parts of his
brain haven’t even developed yet—in fact, his brain won’t be
complete until he turns 25.
And so this impacts how he behaves. Everything from making

impulsive decisions like jumping off the coffee table to throwing
a fit because he doesn’t want to take a bath.
As kids mature, their brains begin to make sense of things.

They’re also learning and becoming more capable. They won’t
cry because you turned off the lights at night, fidget at the
grocery line or smack the other kid because she took his toy.
And that’s just with their mental growth. Child development also
affects their physical capabilities and limitations as well.
Kids will become self-sufficient as they learn to be more

independent. They’ll also be less clumsy and have less falls
and cuts.
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But this all happens gradually, sometimes painfully too slow.

Especially when you’re about to lose it at the end of the day,
exhausted from the day’s nonstop challenges.
And so, it’s during these moments we have to remember that

this is all normal. The newborn sleep deprivation, the defiance,
the clumsiness. The stories with no end, the sibling fighting,
and even the regressions.
Kids are supposed to behave this way. Newborns aren’t meant

to sleep 12 hours straight, as much as we’d like them to. Kids
shouldn’t obey every request we give even though the day would
go much faster if they did. And they should take risks, even
crazy ones like jumping off the coffee table.
As frustrating as it is, it’s actually more abnormal if they don’t

behave this way.
Best practices
Knowing all this is one thing, but how can we put it into practice?
Learn about child development
Don’t get intimidated by the fancy name. Research your child’s

age and stage. The range for “normal” is wide and flexible,
but milestones and stages help you identify common issues
and behaviors.
We do a good job of this when our kids are in the infant stages.
But once they reach toddlerhood and beyond, we stop looking.
And it’s easy to forget they’re still going through their own
milestones and changes.
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Another option is to learn not about your child’s age but any
issues he may be having. Whether through books, online or with
people, you’ll find ways others have dealt with the same issues
such as potty training troubles, picky eating or teething.
Speaking of other people...
Find support
Even if you know all this is normal, it still helps to rely on the
support of others. Ask friends with kids how they handle their
children’s behavior. Talk about issues driving you crazy, even if
just to get it off your chest.
You can also find support online, like member forums or

Facebook groups for moms. You’re not alone, even if it
sometimes feels like it.
And finally,
Don’t take it personal
Learning about how your child grows means you’re less likely to
take things personally. Sure, we’re parents and we’ll always feel
an emotional connection, both good and bad. But seeing their
behavior objectively will help you think and respond instead
of react.
When you’re ready to pull your hair out, separate yourself from
your child’s behavior. He’s not crying because he wants to
get a rise out of you. Your kids aren’t fighting because they’re
purposefully trying to give you a headache.
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They’re behaving this way many times because it’s all part of
how kids behave.
Conclusion
In the thick of the madness, we wish it would just stop. And
who wouldn’t? These moments can feel stressful, frustrating
and overwhelming. By the end of the day, especially when I’m
on solo duty, I’m willing the clock to move faster so I can have
time to myself.
But sometimes the solution isn’t so much wishing it away, but

being where we need to be. This is all normal. We’re not alone.
The more we understand how children develop and grow, the

more patient we can be. We’ll take things less personally and
understand that these are stages we—both kids and adults—all
experience.
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Day 18:
Communicate Effectively by
Changing Just a Few Words
Hang around kids long enough and you’ll know they don’t
always follow instructions. If they do, they might spend a
few minutes sulking or dragging their feet. Other times, they
outright balk and refuse.
What if we can avoid much of that with a few simple tweaks to

our words? Or a quick change in our tone of voice?
What and how we communicate to our kids sends powerful

messages, sometimes so meaningful that it can alter their
behavior and willingness to follow directions. It’s not just about
getting something done right, but using the right words to make
it clear.
Don’t worry, though. This isn’t a call to watch over everything

you say, or a guilt trip (as if we need any more) about what
we’re not doing. Instead, it’s a helpful reminder to be mindful
of how we communicate, especially when we’re not even aware
of how we sound or what we’re saying.
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day 18: Communicate Effectively by Changing Just a Few Words
4 tips for effective communication

with children
So, what simple changes can we make that can yield drastic
results in our kids? Check out these four tips:
#1: Use positive language
I first learned about positive language from the book, Power

of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. In fact, it was one of
the first parenting books I read and changed the way I thought
about how we speak to our kids.
But let’s backtrack.
Think about the many times we tell our kids some form of
“no.” Don’t run. Stop playing with your food. No, you can’t use
that marker.
It’s incredible how often we place these restrictions on our

kids. And no matter how well the intentions may be, it can be
difficult hearing them over and over.
With positive language, we rephrase the same intention, but in

a positive way. Rather than “Don’t run,” we say “Walk through
the hall.” Instead of “Stop playing with your food,” we say “Eat
your food.”
Same goal, but said in a less restrictive way. Think about

a child’s willingness to oblige. Telling someone not to do
something feels like an attack or a restriction. He might follow,
but he’ll do so begrudgingly.
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But if we phrase it in a positive way, we remove any hint

of restrictions or attacks. Yes, we’re still asking them to do
something, but in a way that facilitates teamwork and guidance
instead of orders and limits.
#2: Don’t ask
Some tasks call for no compromise. Maybe it’s taking a bath

before bedtime, or visiting grandma on the weekend. But a
big mistake we make when communicating these obligations?
We ask.
My husband and I have been guilty of this many times. We’ll

ask our kids, “Do you want to pee?” or “Should we put our
jackets on today?” And more often than not, they’ll reply with a
resounding “no.”
Now I’ve learned not to ask non-negotiable requests. We just

say, “It’s time to pee before bath time” or “Here’s your jacket—
it’s cold outside.”
Giving kids choices can be an option, especially when they put

up a fight. But keep those options between two parent-approved
choices, and not whether they want to do it or not.
For example, instead of “Should we put our jackets on today?”

we can ask, “Which jacket do you want to wear—the blue or the
red?” Wearing a jacket is non-negotiable, but which jacket he
chooses can be.
#3: Keep your tone conversational
Sometimes with the way we speak, we swear every request is

a do or die demand. We bark orders or use a forewarning tone
of voice.
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What if we soften the tone of our voices and keep it

conversational instead? Let’s say you’ve been struggling with
getting your child out the door in the mornings for school. He
wants to stay home and play all day, and transitioning to a new
activity is a challenge.
Instead of assuming a bossy tone of voice, try to keep your

words casual. “Oh hey, it looks like it’s 8 o’clock. Let’s start
putting on shoes.”
We get so wound up because we expect our kids to put up a

fight. And rightly so, especially if they’ve been giving us a hard
time. But disregard your child’s previous behavior and start new.
Put down the defenses and stick to a casual tone. This avoids a
bossy tone of voice and makes your child feel less defensive.
#4: Frame requests as a benefit
We’re all looking out for ourselves. Any request you can frame
as a benefit to your child will be more successful than without
one. So, what do I mean by a benefit?
Let’s say you want your child to quit goofing around and finish
eating his dinner. We’ve learned not to say “Stop goofing off”
and instead say, “Eat your dinner.” But let’s add another bit to
that line and say “Eat your dinner so we have time to play at
the park.”
Now the request ties to a benefit he understands–playing at

the park. After all, kids may not always understand why we ask
them to do certain things. He doesn’t know why he needs to eat
dinner, or put on his shoes, or clean up his toys.
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But when the action leads to a benefit he can understand, he

feels more invested and motivated to follow through.
Conclusion
The longer I’ve been a parent, the more I’m convinced the way
we communicate makes a difference in behavior.
We can use positive language so kids are more willing to oblige.

We avoid asking them any tasks we need them to do, keep
our tone conversational to avoid potential power struggles and
highlight a benefit of doing a task they can understand.
These four simple tweaks can mean the difference between

getting out the door on time and being late. Of kids brushing
their teeth on their own and doing so with a scowl.
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Day 19:
One Unusual Way
to Stop Kids Whining
If you’re like me, you dread The Whining Sound. It can catch
you off guard first thing in the morning even when the kids
haven’t even been awake for five minutes. Or you’ve come to
expect it at the end of a long, tiring day.
No matter the time of day, whining is one of the triggers that

can set me off. I can’t imagine another adult whining to me that
way, so it seems even worse when kids resort to it.
And at first, the solution seems to be to get in full discipline

mode. We ask them what they’re whining about, tell them
to stop or we even try to show a better way to communicate
without whining.
And while this would work from time to time, I found another
way to stop whining dead in its tracks.
One unusual way to stop kids whining

When kids whine, complain or throw fits, their outward needs
tend to be superficial. They’ll whine about not getting the
orange car, or because they wanted to go down the slide first.
These needs are important for kids, but they go much deeper
than that.
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day 19: One Unusual Way to Stop Kids Whining
Kids want to feel heard and acknowledged.
So, one of the best ways to stop all the whining and
complaining?
Give kids your full attention
Sometimes all our kids need is our attention. At times, it can

feel like they’re competing against so many factors that keep
you away from them. Maybe it’s their siblings that demand your
time, or the chores that take up too much of it. Mornings might
feel rushed as you scramble to get out of the house.
Kids also need our attention after long stretches of time away
from us. Imagine your child has a bucket that she likes to keep
”full” of you. Any time she gets to spend time with you, her
bucket gets filled. When she doesn’t, it runs empty.
The time we spend apart after a long night of sleep or a day

at school dips into her bucket. Eleven hours of sleep may not
seem like a long time, but to your child it is.
So when we give them our full attention, those buckets fill right
up. And a full bucket means a child who can handle the small
challenges in her day. Falling down after running or not finding
her favorite car doesn’t seem so stressful.
Giving your child your attention extends beyond whining, too.

Your full attention will help when she feels sad or frustrated
much more than dividing your time. The simple act of listening
and being present can be all she needs to feel reassured.
Let’s be clear, though: giving our full attention can be hard.

We’re busy enough as it is, even doing the bare minimum of our
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days. Other times, we’re just not in the mood, especially when
the kids whine.
But ironically, it’s during those times that our kids need us the
most. And one of the biggest challenges is the need to push
those feelings aside in the best interest of our kids. We won’t
always get it right, but we can at least try.
Best practices of giving your full attention

So, what do we mean by giving kids our full attention? Here are
a few best practices to get in the habit:
#1: Stop multitasking
Did your child start whining right when you were preparing
dinner or getting them dressed? If you can, stop everything else
you’re doing and focus on her.
Sometimes I’m half listening to my kids while wiping the dining

table or packing lunches. And for most of the time, this is fine
and even necessary. We all multitask during regular chores or
everyday conversation.
But if your child needs your attention, try to stop what you’re
doing and focus on her. She can sense when you’re not present.
Besides, the more attention you give, the quicker the whining
stops as you address her real needs.
And if you really can’t give your full attention now...
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#2: Give your child a time frame
During after school hours, you’ll usually find me in the kitchen,

preparing dinner. And while some of those dinners are “set it
and forget it,” others need me standing right next to the stove.
I’d have no way to give my full attention when I’m going back
and forth stirring risotto or deep frying chicken.
So instead, I give my kids a time frame. I let them know I’ll be

available in two minutes. And even then, I also explain I’ll still
have to run back to the kitchen periodically.
Other times, kids will need to wait longer. You might be driving,
but you can’t give your child your full attention until you’ve
parked.
You don’t have to drop everything right this moment, so let your
child know when you plan to. That way, she knows you’ll be with
her as soon as it’s possible.
#3: Really listen and make eye contact
Part of giving your child your full attention means really

listening to what she has to say. I had always assumed I listen
to my kids pretty well, but only in thinking back to recent
conversations did I realize I could do better.
For instance, make eye contact. This simple act forces us to

stop doing what we’re doing to focus on our kids. It’s pretty
hard to put groceries away when you have to look your child in
the eye.
Then, don’t interrupt. A good rule of thumb is to wait a few

seconds before your child has finished before even saying
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anything. This ensures she’s finished speaking and forces you to

be more mindful about the words you say.
And once you do speak, try not to judge or speak harshly. Yes,
the kids are whining, but it’s during these times that they need
the most compassion from us.
Listen without judgment or saying what you think about her

situation. Instead, repeat what she was whining about and help
her resolve her own issues.
You might say, “It sounds like you feel upset because you can’t
find the race car you were playing with earlier. Would you like
me to help you find it?”
#4: Give a warm hug
Sometimes all our kids need has nothing to do with words, or

even our help with getting something done. All they need is a
place to crumble, vulnerable yet safe.
When my kids are in their worst moods, I find I’m able to stop
or even prevent further whining by giving them a big hug. It’s
amazing how their moods change.
Yes, they might collapse in a heap of tears and cry louder,

but only for a little while. At least they’ll have felt heard and
acknowledged and will soon feel better.
Conclusion
It’s tempting to roll our eyes at the thought of giving kids our
full attention as a go-to move. We’re tight with time as it is, and
it’s hard to step away from our own frustration and impatience.
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But giving them our full attention can stop the whining
quickly. Plus, it prevents misbehavior in the future. When
kids feel heard—and their buckets are filled—they’re able to
communicate in appropriate ways.
So yes, it may be more work upfront, but you’ll be giving your

kids quality time when they need it most.
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Day 20:
Tell Your Kids You Love Them,
Even when It’s Hard To
The downturn of the sides of their mouths. The narrowing of

tearful eyes. The slight rise in the shoulders. These were the
slight cues I’d see when my kids realized they were in trouble.
And it all signaled one thing: They felt defensive.
And who wouldn’t? They don’t like getting in trouble or knowing

they did something wrong. And they don’t want to disappoint
their parents. So they pout, cry, or even get angry.
But defensiveness doesn’t help anyone. They’re so wound up

that they still don’t follow directions or even listen to what
I’m saying. Their mood can even extend for several minutes of
pouting, almost stuck in a rut.
Just this morning, I told my three-year-old to put his dinosaurs

on the floor while we eat breakfast. When I later found the
dinosaurs still on the table, I took the toys and put it on the
floor myself. Assuming he was in trouble, he made pouting
sounds and refused to finish his breakfast.
But then I asked myself why he was behaving this way. The
reason went beyond the actual misbehavior—the dinosaurs
were the least of the problem. I learned it wasn’t even getting in
trouble, though that’s not a fun experience either.
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day 20: Tell Your Kids You Love Them, Even when It’s Hard To
I finally realized he felt vulnerable—he doesn’t want to feel

abandoned, shamed or that he didn’t do anything so terrible it
would change how their parents thought of him.
The solution?
Tell your kids you love them, even when

it’s hard
That’s right. Tell your kids you love them, even when it’s not
always a pleasant situation. Because isn’t it so easy to smother
them with love and kisses when they behave and all is happy?
But they also need to know we still love them, no matter how
they behave.
So I tried this to see if it would change the way they responded

to critiques and reprimands. Before I even disciplined, I told my
kids “I love you.”
This can be hard. The kids just did something to annoy,

disappoint, or anger us. We’re not exactly in the mood to say
loving words.
But it’s at this moment when our kids need to feel reassured,
especially when they feel defensive. They need to know that we
don’t love their behavior, but we will always love them.
Here are a few ways to tell your kids you love them, even when
they misbehave:
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#1: Show empathy
Even if our kids do something they’re not supposed to, we

can still show empathy for how they must be feeling. Begin
by acknowledging their intentions (“You really like those
dinosaurs”). This almost always crumbles the wall they may
have erected when they thought they were in trouble.
Then describe what they must be feeling. You’re letting them

know you “get” where they’re coming from and that you’re on
the same side. You’re not out to start a fight, but are connecting
with them even before you teach a lesson.
#2: Use body language
Children are especially attuned to body language, more so

than words or instructions. Sometimes we don’t even need to
say anything at all. A hug, a touch on the arm, a rub on the
back. Those can be enough to signal that it’s all right and we
love them.
They might feel defensive or are being hard on themselves for

what they did. These simple gestures can show our kids we
love them.
#3: Soften your face
The best ways to get through to our kids is through warmth, not
anger or frustration. Yes, there will be moments when we can’t
help but yell or get upset. Our faces might even show horror at
what they’ve done.
But if your child has put up walls or is crestfallen at what she

has done, it won’t work to be just as angry or frustrated yourself.
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Instead, soften your face, let her know it’s okay. This can be all
that’s needed to stop her from crying, pouting or whining.
#4: Say “I love you” outright
And of course, we can tell our kids we love them by saying so

outright. Sometimes we need to say it even during hard times.
They hear it often enough when they’re happy and behaving,
but they also need to know that nothing they do—no matter how
off the wall—will make us stop loving them.
Yesterday, my three-year-old was so inconsolable because he

and his twin had been fighting. His brother had grabbed a toy
from his hands, and nothing was calming him down.
His behavior wasn’t ideal—we teach them to take turns instead

of grabbing. But I held his arms in my hands, looked him in
the eyes and said, “I love you. Okay? Mama loves you no
matter what.”
This calmed him down almost instantly, and I drew him closer
into my arms. Once his cries died down to hiccups and sniffles,
only then did we talk about his behavior. I let him know he’s not
supposed to grab toys. That it hurts people’s feelings, that it can
be dangerous, and that he wouldn’t like that to happen to him.
None of that would’ve registered if I had gone straight to

discipline mode. And sometimes all it takes to calm him down
is a simple “I love you.”
Conclusion
What if my child thinks her behavior is normal? you might think.
We often hear we shouldn’t give attention to negative behavior.
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But that’s not what’s happening here. Let’s say your child is so
upset at herself because she just spilled a box of cereal on the
floor. Not a pretty picture, and a huge mess to clean up, for sure.
But right now, your priority is your child. She’s so hard on

herself and thinks she’s in such big trouble, so much that
she’s inconsolable.
Telling her “I love you” doesn’t condone that behavior. She’s not
going to think, Mom just told me she loves me. This feels nice.
I’m going to dump the cereal tomorrow so she can hug me again.
Condoning the behavior means allowing her to toss cereal boxes

again and again. Or not giving her the responsibility of cleaning
up the mess. Or even ignoring any conversation and failing to
follow through with consequences.
We should never withhold our love as a form of punishment.

Instead, we can use it to remind our kids that yes, we love
them, even with cereal on the floor and dinosaurs on the table.
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Day 21:
Why We Should Encourage
Competence, Not Confidence
We hear tons of advice about how to instill self-confidence

in our kids. We want them to feel confident and believe in
themselves. We see confidence as the key to thwarting self-
doubt. And self-confidence seems to be an effective way to
rebuff peer rejection.
These are all great reasons, but I’m learning there’s something
even more important. A trait that doesn’t get much recognition
but paints a more realistic picture of our kids’ capabilities:
Competence.
What’s the difference between confidence and competence?

Confidence is how you feel about your abilities. It’s believing
you can do certain things based on what you think about
yourself.
Competence is the actual ability to do something well, and it’s

earned from a lot of effort and assessing our risks and skill levels.
The problem with confidence? Thinking you can do something

is different from actually being able to do it. And too much
praise lathered on our kids in the hopes of raising their self-
confidence can be damaging. It can lead to an over-confidence
that’s difficult to shake off.
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day 21: Why We Should Encourage Competence, Not Confidence
For instance, a young child can feel confident about using a

hammer just like his dad. As you might imagine, this can lead
to disaster. But a child who observes, studies and practices
using tools with his dad can learn to feel competent, especially
over time.
His competence is based on knowing his abilities thanks to

many tries, assessments and even mistakes. He understands his
limits and knows his capabilities.
So, does that mean we should stop encouraging confidence?

Not necessarily. But it shouldn’t be the focus or goal.
Instead, focus on nurturing your child’s competence. Help

him feel the delight in mastering something, not for the sake
of feeling confident, but for learning and achieving something
challenging. And let experience be his guide toward that
mastery, not false praise.
How to instill competence in children

Parents can do a lot to instill a sense of competence in their
kids. Below are six ”do’s and don’ts” on how to do just that:
#1: DO challenge your child with age-appropriate

play and tasks
Kids will only feel competent if we challenge them out of their

comfort zone. What are your child’s current interests? Is there a
way you can bring it up a notch to stretch his capabilities?
I love when my kids surprise me with things they can do that I

initially didn’t think they could. Recently, they’ve been solving
puzzles. It took all of me not to hover and “over help” with this
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task, especially when they’d get frustrated or would almost want

to give up.
But I found that these challenging games were just the thing
to teach them about problem solving. And guess what? They
did eventually learn to solve the puzzle on their own, without
my help.
#2: DON’T praise for everything or try to boost their

self-esteem
Decades ago, the self-esteem movement encouraged parents to

heap praise onto their kids. Self-esteem was the key to further
success, many believed. But research has found it ineffective
and a disservice to our kids (from Psychology Today):
“The self-esteem movement has done an entire generation a

deep disservice. It started with the best intentions. In 1969,
Nathaniel Brandon wrote a paper entitled ‘The Psychology of
Self-Esteem’ that suggested that ‘feelings of self-esteem were
the key to success in life.’ Hearing this, many people started
to find ways to confer confidence upon our children. This
resulted in competitions where everyone gets a trophy and no
one actually wins. ‘New games’ attempted to engage children
without any winners or losers.
“The parents who embraced these efforts did so out of love

and with the most noble of intentions. The only problem is that
these efforts simply do not work. Self-esteem is not something
conferred, it is earned through taking risks and developing
skills. When children stretch themselves, they expand their
sense of their own capability and then feel confident to tackle
the next challenge. Confidence comes form competence — we
do not bestow it as a gift.”
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Check out that last line: ”Confidence comes from competence”

—not the other way around.
#3: DO let your child contribute and help
Kids crave opportunities to show their competence. And the

best way is to welcome their desire to contribute and help.
Think of ways your child can help around the house, from doing
chores to helping to feed the baby. Better yet, allow them to
pitch their own ideas of how they can help. Not only are you
encouraging competence, but the initiative they took to show it.
#4: DON’T rescue or fix
Kids can only learn so much if we solve every problem they run
into. And this is hard for parents to do. After all, it’s difficult to
watch our kids struggle and experience failure and discomfort.
If we had it our way, they’d never make mistakes or have to
keep trying.
But with each rescue comes another ding to their desire to

display their competence. Just as they were trying to prove
they’re capable, mom or dad comes in and shows that they’re
not. As you can imagine, this feels discouraging.
#5: DO let your child take risks
Assessing and taking risks are important factors in raising

competent kids. A child won’t know what he’s capable (or
incapable) of if he doesn’t understand the risks.
Taking age-appropriate risks can happen in simple, everyday

ways. Let him try to walk across the balance beam on the
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playground, even if there’s a slight risk of falling to the ground.

And only shelter him from risks you know for certain aren’t
age-appropriate. A toddler, though willing, would not do well on
such a balance beam.
Risk-taking isn’t about being reckless. Instead, it’s the

necessary tool for kids to dip their toes in the water. They can
weigh their current capabilities with the goal they’re trying to
achieve. A child sheltered from any dangers just might see that
balance beam and think he can run across it on the first try.
#6: DON’T project your own worries or anxieties
It’s tough for me not to shout “Be careful!” from the sidelines
of a playground. I’m already imagining my kids running to the
edges of a structure and falling seven feet down.
But it’s those worries that paint an unrealistic picture of your

child’s capabilities. Hearing the worry in your voice allows self-
doubt, fear and his own worries to creep in. Mom’s freaking out,
he might think. Maybe this IS too hard for me.
Instead, offer constructive feedback, such as “Make sure you’re

gripping the bar when you take a step.” Or, if need be, remove
your child from situations out of his range.
Conclusion
Confidence is a good thing, but it can also damage a child’s
sense of self when that’s all he focuses on. Think of confidence
instead as a byproduct of competence.
Instill competence by challenging your child and welcoming

the necessary risks he has to take. Encourage him to contribute
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around the house while avoiding fixing all the mistakes he

makes. And don’t praise your child for every little achievement
as if that’s the only way he’ll feel confident.
Aim for competence, not confidence. After all, a competent

child is almost always confident. But a confident child isn’t
always a competent one.
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Day 22:
5 Effective Techniques to
Help Children with Transitions
I swore I would never take him to the automobile museum

ever again.
I had planned a fun outing to take my then-toddler to visit a

nearby car museum. I expected us to see different models of
cars and play with the exhibits.
Except it went nothing like that. He didn’t want to visit any of

the exhibits or even play with the toys on display and screamed
if we even suggested it.
So we figured he was hungry and ushered him quickly to the

museum’s restaurant. Instead, he’d bang his elbows on the
table and insisted on only eating the blueberries we packed. As
predicted, he screamed when the blueberries ran out, forcing us
to make a quick exit.
“Let’s give him choices,” we decided. (Big mistake)
“Do you want to stay at the museum, or go home?” we asked.

He wanted to stay. Except not really, since he spent the next
few minutes throwing even more tantrums. We had no choice
but to leave, with our son screaming the whole way to the car
and during the ride home.
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day 22: 5 Effective Techniques to Help Children with Transitions
After paying for tickets, parking and a restaurant meal, this

became an expensive lesson on helping our son with transitions.
Helping children with transitions

We’ve struggled with helping our kids transition from one
activity to the next, or even to try new experiences. Sometimes
we’re not successful, as the above story described. Moving
through the day is a challenge when kids don’t want to stop
what they’re doing or tantrum with unfamiliar changes.
Routine or even fun activities become overwhelming. Special

privileges like time on an iPhone become a battle zone. And it
almost makes you not want to do anything out of the ordinary or
exciting.
I’ve since learned the importance of handling transitions,

especially with young children. We can still move through our
day smoothly and even venture to new places. We just have to
be strategic with how we get from one point to the next.
After all, change can be difficult for many of us, including kids.
It’s especially challenging when a child is enjoying herself and
doesn’t want to move on to the next activity. Or perhaps she’s so
used to her daily routine that she’s suspicious of anything that
might disrupt it. And sometimes, change is just overwhelming.
So, how can we help our kids transition from one thing to the
next? These five tips have been instrumental for me, and might
help you as well:
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#1: Give your child a heads up
At the park, you might find me bellowing to my kids, “We’re

leaving in 10 minutes... We’re leaving in five minutes...”
Because if I were to just spring our departure on the dot, they’re
going to resist, guaranteed.
And I wouldn’t blame them. Often, they’re in the middle of an

activity they’re not ready to wrap up just yet. Or they’re having a
blast and can imagine doing this for hours.
I’ve since then given a head’s up when I need them to go from

one activity to the next. Every morning, I let them know a few
minutes ahead that we’ll be putting on shoes and jackets to
head to school. Or I’ll tell them we’ll be going from from a party
after we eat cake.
Kids need a few moments to wrap up their activities or shift

their attention to a new one. Announcing a change out of the
blue will only make it more difficult once you do have to go.
#2: Pick a good time
Raising kids sometimes feels like a dance. We observe, we

follow routine, and we rely on good timing.
Picture the child who just sat down to play with his cars. Telling
him it’s time to brush his teeth doesn’t seem like the right
choice. And no wonder—he had just transitioned himself from
a previous activity to playing cars. He’s in no mood to stop what
he just started to do something else.
When you need to move from one activity to the next, try to do
so at a good time. That might mean suggesting she brush her
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teeth before she got comfortable playing cars. Or giving her a few
minutes of car time before transitioning her to the next activity.
Sometimes, you might even spot an opportunity to transition.

Your child might have just finished an activity and is looking
for something to do. Or she’s winding down from playing at
the park. The right timing makes for easier transitions on both
parents and kids.
#3: Follow a routine
For many kids, transitions happen on a daily basis. We all move

through the day, often doing the same activities.
I’m a fan of routines. The repetition and sequence is so regular

that kids don’t need us to remind them. But to get to that point,
we need to instill a routine and schedule they can follow.
Start by doing the same activities roughly at the same times

of the day in the same order. In the beginning, help your child
transition from one activity to the next. Then later, begin to pull
back until she doesn’t need as many reminders.
With enough routine in their day, kids can transition themselves,

all on automatic.
#4: Highlight the benefit of the transition
Kids live in the moment. They don’t think about what’s next,
only that their current activity has their attention. Anything we
suggest pales in comparison.
See if you can find a benefit to the change you want your child
to do. If convincing your child to put her shoes on is a struggle,
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remind her that today is Show and Tell at school. Leaving a

party might not be fun, but going home to get enough sleep is
important for her big game tomorrow.
Not all transitions will offer a clear benefit, but try to find one
that appeals to your child. One that ties directly to her in a way
she can understand.
#5: Watch your tone of voice
How we communicate with kids can make all the difference. Do

you feel rushed? Are you barking orders? I know that when I’m
harried and upset, it doesn’t help my kids transition away from
an activity. Instead, they protest and absorb my negativity.
And so I try to watch my tone of voice. I acknowledge what they

were doing and how fun or engrossing it looks. Then I state what
needs to happen next. And finally, I follow it up with the next
opportunity they’ll have to return to that activity.
Keeping my tone casual and conversational removes defensive-

ness or frustration.
Conclusion
Transitions can be difficult for kids, so much so that they can
ruin an entire day at an automobile museum. But I’ve learned
a few ways to prevent and manage tough transitions when they
happen. I give them a heads up, I pick a good time, and I rely
on routine for many of their daily transitions.
I also keep my tone of voice matter of fact, and highlight the

benefits of change in ways they can understand.
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Truth be told, I haven’t returned to the automobile museum

since that fateful day. But should we decide to, I now know how
to help my kids transition—even when the bowl of blueberries
runs out.
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Day 23:
Find Your Own Meaning
Tomorrow, my first grader is receiving an award at school for

doing well in reading. This is his moment, his chance to be
recognized for his hard work and love of learning.
Except here I was, fighting a selfish urge to take some of that

credit, too. As if his accomplishments should reflect the kind of
parent I am. That I want to stand there so everyone knows I’m
the parent of the kid who just got an award.
And we make the mistake of living through our kids, particularly

in two ways.
The first is relishing in their successes, where we might even

push them toward certain areas just for the glory and prestige.
And the second is relying solely on our kids—or on being a

mom—for our happiness and identity.
Let’s dig into both of these.
Living through your kids and their successes

It’s a twisted way to think about it, but we all, at some level,
take deep pride in our kids. Whether it’s through school, a
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day 23: find your own meaning
sports game or even their personalities. We want to be there to

reap the praise as well.
But we risk wanting them to succeed not for their benefit, but
to feel successful ourselves. So we can wear a badge of honor
when we tell others how well they scored or which milestones
they achieved early.
Problem is, finding meaning in our kids will only make our lives
meaningless. After all, we’re separate people. Children will find
their own paths, sometimes away from anything we expected of
them. We can’t turn to our kids to define who we are.
Pushing our kids to succeed so we can feel good about

ourselves isn’t the way to go. Parenting isn’t a competition, or
our kids the pawns we use to play. Let our children’s successes
and failures be more about them than about us.
And yes, a ton of our kids’ success is because of us. They win
awards at school or play well in sports because we instilled the
habits to help make that happen. Who knows how well they
would’ve done if they had another set of parents.
But for the most part, these are our children’s achievements.
I’d like to think that they’ll shine regardless of the role we play.
And that all the effort we put into raising our kids isn’t so that
we can get a pat on the back ourselves.
Living through your kids for your happiness

Another way we live through our kids? By revolving our entire
lives around theirs. We can’t make their lives a reflection of
ours, or expect them to follow our hobbies or expectations. And
we shouldn’t forget who we are and define ourselves only as
being a mom or dad.
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Kids aren’t born to complete our lives. They were born to

complete their own. If you feel a void in your life, look within
and solve it apart from your kids. Focus on building your own
hobbies and interests without turning to your kids to fill them.
Maybe your social life revolves around your child’s extracurricu-

lar activities. Or you devote every weekend to visiting children’s
museums or crafts events.
None of those things are terrible, and in fact are positive

aspects of family life. The trouble happens when we rely only on
those activities and nothing else to make us happy.
Our kids need to know we’re okay even when they’re not around.
That they can grow up and move out of the house, and we won’t
crumble or wonder what to do with ourselves.
Ask yourself if you’re leaning too much on your kids to define

who you are. Imagine your child going away on a week-long
camp. Yes, you’ll miss him, but will that stretch of time leave you
energized and excited? Or dreadful of what to do with that time?
Think about the life you had before your kids and see if you can
rekindle those interests, from small habits like walking every
day to larger goals like starting your own business. Our biggest
role, especially now, is to be a parent to our kids, but that
doesn’t have to be our only role, either.
And the biggest reality check? Imagine your kids as grown

adults. They’ve moved out of the house, maybe even out of
state. They may not even want to be parents, so you can’t fill
the grandmother role, either. What will your days be like apart
from them?
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Conclusion
Living through our kids, whether through their successes or
interests, is dangerous territory. We end up putting pressure
on them to excel for our purposes. Other times, we impose
ourselves and live vicariously through their lives.
In both cases, we depend so much on them for our own

happiness and meaning. We can’t keep doing this.
Because as long as we feel like our lives lack something, we risk

using our kids to fill that void. And as you can imagine, this is a
burden too heavy for them to bear.
I’ll admit: I’ll feel pretty happy as my son receives his award.
There’s no way I won’t miss the event, but I also know I don’t
need his awards to define who I am or find my own meaning.
That’s within me no matter what.
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Day 24:
The Harmful Effects of
Comparing Our Kids
My then-toddler was sitting in my lap, crying during what I had

hoped would be a fun birthday party for his cousin. But instead
of enjoying himself, he cried over every little thing. Even getting
up to fetch him some water would incite tears galore.
His cousin, meanwhile, was being the perfect host. Laughing,

accepting gifts, being the life of the party.
He also happened to be the same age as my little guy, just a

few months apart.
The comparisons soon began: Why can’t he be more social like

his cousin? And why isn’t he interested in cars or using the
potty like him?
The dangers of comparing kids to others

From infancy and onward, we’ll all compare our kids, on
everything. Who reached which milestones first. Their
temperaments and social behaviors. Which interests they have,
and how well they do in school.
This is normal, and at times even important. For instance, we

rely on ages and stages to see which milestones kids should be
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day 24: The Harmful Effects of Comparing Our Kids
reaching, so that if they’ve passed that window, then it’s worth

discussing with their pediatrician.
But often, comparisons can come with many hidden dangers

like these:
#1: Comparing kids is stressful
I have a knack for stressing myself out. Things beyond my

control are the worst—it’s not like I can even do anything about
those worries. Comparisons fit into that category. Imagine
stressing out because you see other kids who could do things
your child can’t do yet.
Comparing is also stressful for kids. We can project our

anxieties and place unfair pressure onto them. And it just
doesn’t feel good to seem inadequate in any way. Subtle
insinuations like, “How come you haven’t joined any sports
teams yet?” can hurt.
And the irony of all the stress? Often, we realize we had been
worrying over nothing. The first signs my eldest might have a
speech delay sent me flying in all directions. It’s one thing to
be proactive, but another to stress when, in hindsight, it usually
turns out all right.
#2: Comparisons damage our relationships
People would joke my son would be an engineer. Give him a

ride-on car and he won’t ride it—he’ll turn it over and see how
the wheels work.
I’ll be honest: as cute as that quirk was, I also worried if it was

normal behavior. Other kids see cars and they make a mad rush
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to ride it. They don’t inspect the wheels or tinker with the wires.
And it makes you wonder if anything is wrong with your kids.
We end up not relishing in the beauty of these quirks but

instead get so hung up on what typical kids are doing. We risk
not accepting our kids for who they are and instead push them
to be someone they’re not.
Imagine comparing a child to another her age who could already

use the potty. Pressuring her to use a potty when she may not
even be ready for it would cause a rift between parent and child.
#3: Comparisons focus on children’s shortcomings
The more we compare, the more we focus on our kids’

shortcomings. We doubt their abilities and question the pace
they’re learning or developing. When other kids seem further
along, it’s hard not to see where our kids come up short.
But that’s exactly the problem. None of us are perfect, least

of all our kids. We all have our shortcomings, and we focus on
them when we compare.
Worse, we forget their amazing skills when all we see are the
areas they’re lacking or different in. A boy tinkering with the
underside of a car speaks amazing talents. One that I might’ve
overlooked if all I could wonder is why he’s not riding it.
Conclusion
We can’t avoid comparing kids, no matter how much we try. It’s
not so much about avoiding it altogether but being mindful if
you catch yourself. Notice what you’re doing and hopefully you
won’t act on them.
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Besides, each child holds different interests and hobbies. They

display their own skills and grow at their own paces. They even
have their unique personalities and temperaments.
After three kids, I can attest that children reach milestones on

a wide range. One child walked early but spoke later. Another
spoke early but walked later. Comparing—and worrying about
the comparison—does little to change anything.
Yes, my kids have thrown crazy tantrums. We’ve had to leave

parties and be mindful of transitioning from one activity to
another. But the comparisons didn’t shine light on all the other
ways they’re amazing, then and now.
In the moment, we think these shortcomings or differences will

last forever, but they rarely do. Kids outgrow tantrums, amaze
us with their skills and eventually meet their milestones.
They even learn how to behave like perfect party hosts, no

tantrums whatsoever.
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Day 25:
Why We Need to Read
with Our Kids Every Day
Reading with our kids is one of those pieces of advice

everyone—experts, teachers, pediatricians—recommend, but
can still fall off our radar. And we have plenty of excuses. We:
• Are busy.
• Do read to our kids, but not regularly.
• Don’t have enough books in the house.
• Think the kids are too old to be reading with us.
• Don’t read ourselves.
• Meet resistance from our kids.
Why you should read with your kids every day

Thing is, this one simple act can have a huge impact on our
children’s learning and success. Let’s dive into a few benefits of
reading with your kids:
#1: Better performance at school
No doubt, avid readers perform better at school than those who

don’t. One of the biggest reasons is how many words a child
knows. After all, a student needs to be able to understand his
teacher and the lessons in class.
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day 25: Why We Need to Read with Our Kids Every Day
Let’s say you spoke a little bit of French while your friend is
fluent. You can imagine who will have an easier time navigating
through France.
A student who knows more words will have an easier time

comprehending material. And all it takes is reading often and
enough with our kids.
So, what exactly is enough? Just 20 minutes a day is all it

takes. That can be 20 straight minutes, or different reading
sessions throughout the day.
#2: Helps kids understand complex themes
Is your child struggling with an issue? Maybe he has separation

anxiety, or is biting other classmates. He could be welcoming a
new baby brother or worried about going to school.
Besides speaking with your child about these issues, you can
also read with him to help him get through it. Reading gives
him ways to cope and shows how other characters deal with the
same issues. He’ll know he’s not alone, and that others have
experienced the same thing.
Complex themes can even extend to informational ideas.

Things like how to be a kind friend, or ways we can make the
world a better place. And sometimes they shed light on our
communities, such as holidays we celebrate.
It’s one thing to explain these topics to our kids, and another
to introduce books about them. They allow your child to dive
into these issues in depth without being the subject of the
conversation.
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#3: Introduces new experiences and information
The more your child reads, the more he’ll know. Books are,
after all, an important source of information, for both kids
and adults. When I want to learn more about a topic, I usually
borrow a book about it. And of course, schools have books with
the sole purpose of providing information.
That habit can start now. Your child can learn about how
snowflakes form, or which animal runs the fastest. He can
discover our solar system or how plants grow. If your child
doesn’t travel much, he can still ”visit” different countries and
cultures.
Imagine knowing all that exciting new information just from

reading!
#4: Reading is a bonding experience
One of the biggest mistakes we can do is make reading a chore.

And it’s tempting to do it, especially when we feel pressured or
guilty when we don’t read with our kids.
But reading can and should be a bonding experience between

the two of you. The close proximity, hearing the same story, the
focus on your child. And sometimes the story itself can inspire
awe and entertainment that you now share. These are perks that
help form a bond.
This is why it’s important not to treat reading as a chore, or to

nag kids to read. Make it an enjoyable experience so it becomes
a treat, not a drag.
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#5: Fosters a love of reading
Best of all, reading begets a love of reading. And this is

the ultimate goal: raising a child with a love of reading and
learning. Where reading isn’t a means to an end, but the actual
experience he treasures.
What can at first be a chore can turn into a lifelong hobby.

Think about exercise fans who, perhaps at first, dreaded
that early morning run or trip to the gym. But over time, they
benefited from this habit and now find joy in working out. The
same is true for kids and reading.
Books can be just as, if not more, entertaining as other typical

ways kids spend time. And raising a love of reading now will
only help cement it further when he’s an adult.
Best practices when reading with kids

With so many benefits of reading, how can we make the most
out of the experience? Below are best practices for making
reading with kids positive and effective:
• Prioritize reading time. It all boils down to how important

reading with your kids is to you. We’ll always have a hundred
excuses, but if you make reading a priority, the other things
on your to-do list will fall second.
• Make reading part of your routine. You’re less likely to forget

to read with your kids if you make it part of your routine.
Just as they sleep every night, so too should they read at
some regular part of the day. Start your bedtime routine 20
minutes earlier if need be.
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• Borrow a lot of books from the library. Make regular trips to

the library, and borrow a lot of books each time. I go every
week and borrow at least eight books. I have a friend who
goes every three weeks (or whenever the books are due) and
borrows upward of 50 books each time. Litter your house
with books!
• Give a book as a present with each birthday or holiday. Make

books a treat by giving a book with each birthday or holiday.
Your kids will see them as a special item and will feel
excited to read their new book.
• Read books you like to read aloud. Not all children’s books
are great, or are for every parent. If you find a book you can’t
stand reading, no need to force it (unless your child really
loves it!). You’ll feel more motivated reading books you enjoy
than those you don’t.
• Ask your child to read to you, too. Find an age-appropriate

book and take turns reading with your child if he can. He’ll
love reading along and will be more likely to pay attention.
• Praise your child for being a reader. If you see him reading a
book on his own, praise him afterward for being a fantastic
reader. And label him as a reader—this is one label you want
to instill as a personal trait.
• Read yourself. It’s much harder to convince your child to

read when he doesn’t see you doing it himself. And if you
can, try to read physical books instead of on your phone or
tablet, which he might not know is a book.
• Admit your own shortcomings. None of us are perfect—we all

make mistakes in this parenting journey. If you haven’t been
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diligent about implementing reading habits, come clean with

your child. Explain you haven’t been enforcing a good habit,
but you’ve learned and will now follow through. Your child
may resist at first, but he’ll appreciate your honesty and
understand the change.
Conclusion
Reading is one of those things we can do—today—that will have
a lasting impact on our kids. It’s tied with so many benefits,
from performing well at school to better bonding. It almost
seems silly not to spend at least 20 minutes of our day reading
with our kids.
But life does happen, and sometimes we don’t always get to

read regularly with our kids. Try to change that moving forward.
Start small, even with just one book a day. You’ll be amazed at
what a difference it can make in your child.
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Day 26:
Want a Child Who Can
Think Critically? Start Here
I learned a big lesson on raising a critical thinker when my son

scoffed at me to leave him alone.
He had been playing with a drawing tool—a spirograph set—

minding his own business. At one point, I heard heavy sighs and
mutterings under the breath. I chimed in with, “What’s up?”
“I can’t put these two pieces together,” he admitted. “I’m trying

to make a design but they don’t fit.”
“Oh yeah, that looks tricky. Here—let me show you how to do

it,” I offered.
And right away he responded, “No! Thanks but I don’t want you
to help.”
Why we need to encourage critical thinking

skills for kids
We mean well. Often, we assume we’re doing our job as parents
when we help our kids solve problems. Why let them remain
frustrated, especially when they want to draw with a tool that
just won’t work? And let’s not forget how difficult it can be to
witness a child upset.
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day 26: Want a Child Who Can Think Critically? Start Here
But we also undermine our children’s abilities and desire to

think for themselves when we step in too often. The difficulty
doesn’t have to be an obstacle we should resolve for them as
quickly as possible. Instead, we can see it as a chance for kids
to think for themselves.
And real learning isn’t about answering a question fast or even

perfect. Instead, kids should be able to solve problems, often
on their own.
After all, kids need critical thinking skills to succeed. It’s not
enough to memorize or have your path laid out in front of you.
They need to be able to think on their feet, in a creative and
effective way.
So, how can we raise critical thinkers, the kinds of kids who can
problem solve and make a difference? These two ways can help
you do just that:
#1: Allow your child to come up with their

own solutions
If you’re like me, you likely offer solutions to your kids’ problems.
And it’s hard not to when we know the answer that will fix it. We
might even think we’re doing our job by showing them exactly
what to do. Or we try to avoid the grumpiness and frustration
they feel when they struggle.
But do that often enough and we don’t allow our kids to come
up with their own solutions. After all, that’s what we want—for
our kids to think for themselves, even without our help. And
sure, we can guide them to a solution, but not to the point
where we provide all the answers.
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I tried it recently when my three-year-old twins were fighting.

One of them had approached me complaining about his brother.
Me: “How is he bothering you?”

Son: “He’s following and copying.”
Me: “Why do you think he’s doing that?”
Son: “He wants my toy.”
Me: “What are you going to do about it?”
Son: “Walk away.”
He was able to come up with a solution—“walk away”—on

his own.
And trust me, this can be hard. I could’ve stepped right in, told
the other brother to leave him alone. I might have separated
them or found another toy to distract the other one. I had to
fight the urge to resolve their argument, and I had to spend
extra time coaxing a solution out of my son.
But it was worth it, when they were able to find a solution with
a bit of questions. Speaking of which...
#2: As “how,” “why” and “what” questions
A fantastic way to encourage critical thinking skills is to keep

the conversation going. And we can do that by asking “how,”
“why” and “what” questions.
Let’s say your child told you he saw a hummingbird near the
flowers. You could say, “Wow—that’s cool!” or even “When did
you see that?” But either response, though supportive, doesn’t
dig into further thinking.
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What if you instead asked, “Wow—why do you think the

hummingbird goes to our flowers?” Now he knows to create his
own theories, maybe even drawing on past references he’s heard
or read in a book.
And you don’t need to correct him if his answer is wrong. He

might say, “The hummingbird is making a home.” Instead,
keep drawing more theories out of him: “What’s he using to
make a home?”
Keep the conversation going as far as it naturally flows. He’ll

learn in time the reason hummingbirds fly to flowers. Encourage
him to think for himself, no matter how farfetched or incorrect.
After all, that’s what philosophers and scientists do all the time!
Conclusion
I had wondered if asking questions and not helping would
frustrate my kids. I figured their goal was to solve a problem,
regardless of who solved it or how. I also assumed they’d get
annoyed with me peppering them with question after question.
But I learned that they actually enjoyed this kind of interaction.

They preferred that I didn’t undermine their abilities by solving
their problems. And if I wondered if there’s ever a time to
actually step in, they’d let me know. They’d ask directly, “Can
you help me?”
And I also realized they liked the extra attention I was showing
when I’d ask “thinking” questions. The conversations never
dragged, either—the back-and-forth would always peter out on
its own.
Best of all, my kids seemed to enjoy drawing their own

conclusions, and that I had encouraged them to do so.
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Now I know better than to take my son’s heavy sighs and

mutterings as a sign to step in and solve the problem. All he
needed was some time, encouragement, and the ability to think
on his own.
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Day 27:
4 Reasons Kids Need Downtime
My six-year-old has one after school extracurricular activity...

and I’m already frazzled. Every Thursday, he attends a one-
hour science class on campus. But on the first day, he freaked
out about walking to the class alone, without me. He needed
someone, understandably, to help him get acclimated and meet
the instructors.
Thing is, I also pick up his twin brothers from preschool right
before. So that means I pick up the twins, hand them a snack
in the car, and head to my six-year-old’s school. Once we’ve
fetched him from first grade, we snack again as we walk to
science class.
Then when he’s settled in, I drive the twins home to play for a
bit before going back to school once science class finishes. We
then drive home where we finally unwind for the day while I
scramble to get dinner on the table.
And that’s just one activity per week, for one child. I can’t even
imagine if all my days were like that, or if my other two kids had
activities of their own.
Perhaps your schedule is even more frantic than mine. One with
extracurricular activities, play dates, and back-to-back birthday
parties on the weekends.
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day 27: 4 Reasons Kids Need Downtime
But like me, you may also understand the value of enrolling kids
in activities, of fueling their passion for a sport or hobby. We
wouldn’t do this if it weren’t worth it.
The importance of downtime

That said, it can get overwhelming. You know you’ve got a busy
schedule when weekend mornings with nothing planned are
rare occasions.
Just as kids find enrichment in activities, so too do they need

downtime to tinker and be alone. In fact, we risk depriving
our kids of this important time when we schedule too many
activities.
Why exactly is downtime so important? And what are a few ways

we can avoid the downside of over-scheduling kids?
#1: Kids enjoy the benefits of unplanned family time
With a full schedule, kids don’t enjoy the impromptu but often
enjoyable moments of time at home. Siblings can create a
clever new game, or the family decides to take an unplanned
visit to the park.
A packed schedule risks taking over family time. Extracurricular

activities might override family dinners or quality time at
grandma’s.
A day filled with events also prevents family members from

getting to know one another. It’s crucial for us to develop
relationships with one another through family play. PBS
explains the downside of no downtime:
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“And unplanned family time has the added benefit of helping

parents and children learn more about each other. ‘So you
know your parents, and your parents know you,’ Rosenfeld
said. ‘That’s an essential facet of emotional health. If you feel
your parents know you, love you and care for you, life can be
difficult, it can challenge you, throw you curves, but you’ll
always have that recollection inside and feel beloved.’”
#2: Kids learn to tolerate boredom and learn patience
Sometimes we feel pressured to entertain our kids all the time.

We stress ourselves out when we have nothing planned, as if
weekends or after school hours demand constant activity.
But it’s good for kids to be bored, when they’re twiddling their
thumbs or nagging us for things to do.
Boredom itself isn’t a good feeling. But it’s an inevitable part

of life we all face. The more your kids can learn to tolerate and
cope with boredom, the more creative they’ll be with their time.
They’ll learn to use boredom as an opportunity to entertain
themselves or learn patience.
#3: Kids benefit from independent play
One of the benefits of downtime that you don’t find anywhere

else is the opportunity to play alone. That might sound terrible,
but independent play is an important skill kids should learn.
They shouldn’t rely on other people or forms of entertainment
to enjoy themselves. They should be able to find joy in creating
and playing with their own play alone.
After all, kids who can play alone learn to self-entertain and
solve problems. They can’t learn these skills when they’re
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shuffled from one activity to the next. And playing alone allows
them to play without adults directing their move.
Independent play gives kids privacy without the watchful eye

of an adult or even other kids. This is their chance to be silly,
vulnerable or play without judgment from anyone else.
Finally, kids need time to decompress on their own or quietly

with family members. My kids tend to be overstimulated if we’re
out the entire day, for several days in a row.
Sometimes you can’t avoid this, such as if you’re hosting out-of-

town guests or attending a grand family reunion weekend. But
if I do this too often, my kids get too wired up, feel cranky and
otherwise don’t function well.
#4: Kids have an opportunity to tinker and experiment
My son’s science class isn’t the only opportunity he has to

create his own experiments. With downtime at home, he has
created his own inventions, from a pulley to a pop-up book.
He also uses this time to make Halloween decorations, his

own checkers game and drawings of maps. My twins meanwhile
use downtime to play cars, write letters and play in their
pretend kitchen.
I didn’t schedule any of these activities. But somehow they find

ways to tinker and play all on their own in ways that might not
happen with a full agenda for the day.
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How to incorporate downtime even with a

busy schedule
Now that we know the importance of downtime, how can we
include it in our day-to-day lives?
• Ask yourself if your kids truly enjoy their activities. Some

kids feel pressure, whether from us or their peers, to
participate in activities. Ask yourself what would happen
if you decide to stop—would your child fight to keep it or
would they feel relieved?
• Narrow down the activities. If you feel overwhelmed with

a busy schedule, aim for a certain number of activities.
That may be one activity per season per child. Or one big
outing per weekend. You’re not giving up your activities, just
narrowing them down to the most important.
• Prioritize one part of the day for downtime. Rather than

schedule your day around activities, schedule it around
downtime. Protect this slot of the day by not scheduling
anything during this time as much as possible. This might
be family dinners at 5pm or Sunday mornings lounging at
home.
• Let your kids be bored. Don’t feel like you need to entertain
your kids every minute. Give them a chance to experience
boredom, and let them struggle with how to cope with it.
They’ll gain so many benefits, no matter how much they
might complain at first.
• Say “no.” It can be hard to say no to invitations or even

obligations. This is why we often find ourselves attending
many events on one day. But it’s really okay to turn
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invitations down if it means less stress and more downtime

for your family.
• Reevaluate. Any time you or your kids feel stressed about

your schedule, reevaluate your priorities. See where you’re
stretched too thin or what areas are most important to you.
Conclusion
We get so many benefits from activities and events that I’d
never drop them from our lives. My husband and I are fortunate
to have our families nearby to spend time with on weekends.
We also understand the value of enrolling our kids in activities,
from science to swim.
But we also know the importance of downtime in our lives.

We aim for the right balance of activities, outings and events
with free time lounging at home. My kids benefit from
puttering around and we also avoid potential outbursts from
a packed schedule.
The right balance, after all, makes all the difference. At least
enough to survive another school pick up and science class
drop off.
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Day 28:
Why We Need to Encourage
Our Children’s Interests
“I’ve had it with fountains,” I complained to my husband. What

had been a cute quirk—my son’s fascination with fountains—was
getting out of hand. It even took over an outing at the zoo, where
he’d rush to see fountains instead of the bears and monkeys.
Still, I bit my tongue. As strange of an interest it was to have,

fountains still held a special place in our son’s heart.
So we did what we thought would help nurture it even more.

We made a photo book of all the fountains we’d taken photos of
(because there were quite a few). We’d ask to sit near fountains
at restaurants. And we showed him footage online of famous
fountains around the world.
Later, he moved from fountains to bridges. Now it was all about

borrowing books from the library about bridges. Driving through
them. And building them with toys.
Meanwhile, his little brothers have had their own obsessions,

though maybe a bit more typical. They love any type of
automobiles—cars, trucks, trains. I can’t even keep track of
how many little cars we have.
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day 28: Why We Need to Encourage Our Children’s Interests
At some point, children’s interests can feel overwhelming.

Especially when it can determine your day (like visiting
fountains instead of zoo animals).
The importance of encouraging our

children’s interests
Still, we should encourage their interests, no matter how
strange or different they may be from ours. Here’s why:
#1: Kids are motivated to learn
We’re more likely to pursue our passions than other topics we’re
not excited about. It’s much easier to encourage learning about
airplanes to a child who already has an interest in it.
Not only will she learn about airplanes, she’s also likely to do
well in academics in general, even if it doesn’t have to do with
her particular passion. Researchers share how the power of
interest can drive learning:
“In recent years researchers have begun to build a science of

interest, investigating what interest is, how interest develops,
what makes things interesting, and how we can cultivate
interest in ourselves and others. They are finding that interest
can help us think more clearly, understand more deeply, and
remember more accurately. Interest has the power to transform
struggling performers, and to lift high achievers to a new plane.”
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#2: Kids open up and communicate about

their interests
Supporting our children’s interests also opens up a fantastic

way to communicate with them.
Let’s say your child is interested in marine animals. Imagine

how much she’ll share what she knows as you take her to your
local aquarium. Maybe you can borrow books about sharks and
share those moments with her.
These are all ways to open up a floodgate of words and stories

your child can’t help but talk about.
#3: We’re attuned to their lives
Parents sometimes make the mistake of unloading our interests

on our kids. And at some level this is normal and even good.
After all, it’s how kids learn the values and interests their
families hold.
But it’s one thing to share your love of your local baseball team
on your toddler. It’s another to expect her to hold that same
interest when she’d rather pursue another.
After all, we’re better attuned to their lives when we support

their interests. We learn more about our kids based on where
their interests lead them. And we know ways to support those
interests than if we had completely ignored them.
It’s the little things. The painting set to the birthday girl who
can’t get enough of art. The hockey games for the eight-year-old
who can’t stop talking about her team. We nurture their interests
and in turn, learn more about our kids than ever before.
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#4: Our support reinforces that we love them
Let’s say your child is interested in a topic you know nothing

about, or even seems strange to you. Maybe you didn’t grow up
interested in that topic and could care less about it now. Or you
don’t think kids her age should be interested in it to begin with.
But imagine how crestfallen your child might feel if she realizes
her parents don’t support the one thing she feels so passionate
about. She might even feel like something’s wrong with her, or
ashamed at why no one else seems to understand her interest in
the topic.
What if, instead, we support our kids no matter how off-beat or

different their interests may be? We avoid isolating our kids with
our full support and encouragement.
How to support our children’s interests

Now that we know the importance of supporting our children’s
interests, how can we best do so?
• Find books about the topic. Any time my kids show interest
in a topic, I look for books in our library website. These make
for fantastic reading sessions, especially with a book about
their special interest.
• Take your child to outings about the topic. Many cities

and towns offer events and outings that can nurture your
child’s passions.
• Give toys about the topic. If your child has a birthday coming
up, look for toys and gifts that tie in with her passion. I
credit my relatives for filling our home with cars, trains and
science kits, among others.
150
• Enroll in a class, if possible. Does your child’s school offer

extracurricular activities that could nurture her passion?
Or maybe you can visit a local drop-in art class or enroll in
weekly cooking lessons.
• Ask questions. Encourage critical thinking and your child’s

passions by asking questions about her interests. Keep the
conversation going as she expands on all she has learned or
wishes to know more about.
Conclusion
I still have that photo book of fountains we compiled for my
kiddo during his fountain stage. It reminds me how important
it is to support our children’s interests, no matter how odd they
may be.
After all, I could’ve mocked his interest, asking why anyone

would find fountains fascinating. But deep in his mind and
heart, he found something wonderful about fountains. The way
they work, and the beauty they reveal.
And I’m willing to support that any day.
151
Day 29:
The Secret to Raising
Hard Working Kids
We hear about kids who dutifully check off their chores. They
don’t give up at the first sign of struggle. They practice over and
over until they feel competent. They even like learning.
We can raise hard working kids by a simple change in how we

speak to our children. Because if you’re like me, you may be
making a crucial mistake you don’t even realize you’re doing.
(I sure didn’t until I learned this secret.)
You see, I thought the way to encourage hard work and

excellence is to praise my kids and everything they do. From
“Good job!” to “You’re so smart!” I figured this was the way to
boost their self-esteem and encourage them to work hard.
Except I learned it doesn’t exactly work that way. Quite the

opposite, in fact.
The secret to raising hard working kids

So, if praising kids for doing a good job or making them feel
smart doesn’t cut it, what will?
Praise effort.
152
day 29: The Secret to Raising Hard Working Kids
First, let’s talk about the kinds of praise that doesn’t work.
Praising them for traits like being smart, athletic or a natural
doesn’t make for hard working kids. Why?
We imply that our children’s accomplishments are due to innate

traits they’re born with. They either have it or they don’t. They’re
smart, so of course they’d get an A on a test. They’re athletic,
so of course they’d score the most goals in a soccer game.
But what happens when that child comes across a difficult test,
or challenging opponents? And trust me, they will.
They might feel worse about themselves. Question why their

talents aren’t getting them through this challenge. Blame
external factors like a noisy testing room or difficult weather.
And they’ll steer clear of challenges that might question their

natural ability. Now that child will always choose a test she
knows she can breeze through. She’ll avoid challenging ones
that can make her learn more and work harder.
She’ll always choose the comfortable path to protect the smart

label she has come to rely on so much.
For more on the effect of praise, I encourage you to pick

up Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset. I refer to it all the time
throughout the blog for a reason!
Why effort matters

Back to effort. How is it then that praising effort instead of
innate traits works? Praising your child’s effort focuses on things
your child can change. Success is possible because of effort,
perseverance, strategy and creativity. Not a natural talent she
supposedly has.
153
A child who aced a test did so not because she’s smart, but
because she studied hard for the exam. We don’t celebrate
all the goals she scored but the new strategies she tried. And
we praise her for not giving up when things got tough, and for
trying over and over leading up to the big day.
Kids praised for effort will see challenge as a good thing, not one
to hide from for fear they’ll make mistakes. They know it’s exactly
this kind of challenge that will help them even more. And they
value the hard work it takes to improve and reach their goals.
Want to know how to raise hard working kids? Kids who don’t
give up easily, take pride in their work, and enjoy the learning
process. It’s easier than you think!
How to praise kids

Now that we can see what a huge difference praising our kids
can make, what are the best ways to do so?
Don’t praise so much
This might be a harsh tip, but watch how often you praise
your kids. Sometimes we think our kids will stop studying or
behaving well if we don’t praise them often enough or for every
little thing.
But kids don’t need as much praise as we think they do. Save
heartfelt praise for when it matters, not for doing something you
expect them to be able to do.
154
Praise what it took to get there
How do you know if you’re praising effort versus innate traits?

Focus on the “before.”
A child won the game because she’d been practicing the whole
week, not because she’s a natural at soccer. Or you could tell she
loves drawing because she worked on her picture for several days.
Don’t just praise kids for the aftermath—the games won or

the A’s on the tests. Instead, praise her for what it took to get
her there. The perseverance to not give up when she stumbled
on a jigsaw puzzle. The new strategy she found to dribble a
soccer ball. The hours it took to get the train tracks put together
just right.
These are the types of skills worthy of praise your child needs to
hear. Focus on the things she can control, not on traits she can’t.
Don’t just praise for winning
Let’s say your child was shooting basketball hoops. Do you only
praise her when she makes a shot?
It’s easy to do this, and often natural. After all, the point of the
game is to make shots into the basket. So when it happens, it
warrants praise all around.
But don’t forget to praise for effort as well. Let’s say you notice
she dribbled the ball before making a shot. Point that out, even
if she didn’t get the ball in the hoop. Or let’s say she still can’t
get any shots after so many tries—praise her for not giving up.
155
Wins and accomplishments are worthy of praise. But so are

effort, strategy, perseverance and trying new things.
Embrace mistakes
Embrace your child’s mistakes as learning tools. Mistakes are

inevitable. Though disappointing, a mistake isn’t something to
avoid at all costs.
Otherwise, kids shy away from challenges or don’t do good work.

At worst, kids might resort to cheating or winning by any means
necessary.
Instead, embrace mistakes as inevitable and educational. No

one likes to fail (I surely don’t). It doesn’t feel good to keep
trying only to keep making mistakes and failures. But it’s part of
the process and something to expect, not avoid.
When mistakes happen, point them out and see what she
can learn from it. What might she do differently to avoid that
mistake again? What did the mistake reveal that might help her
reach her goal?
Keep praise “descriptive,” not “evaluative”
The way we praise falls on two types: evaluative and descriptive.
Evaluative praise is based on our judgment—evaluation—of

what our kids have done. Phrases like, “Your painting is so
beautiful!” or “Good job!” We mean well, but we also impose
our thoughts and opinions on our kids and their work.
But descriptive praise is based on what we see and describe.

You might say, “Look at all that purple in your painting!” or
”You cleaned up your mess, and all by yourself, too!”
156
Try to avoid evaluative praise and instead describe what you

see in your child’s work. Evaluative praise focuses too much on
external praise as a way to reinforce and validate her work. It
shouldn’t matter what we think of their painting, only that she
enjoyed working on it so much.
We can still praise kids using descriptive praise. This brings the
focus back on your child and her work instead of what we think
of it. Describing the colors of a painting or reiterating that she
cleaned up her mess state what you see.
Descriptive praise doesn’t project judgment. It allows your child

to make her own assessment and conclusion. And she’s able to
draw joy and motivation all on her own, and not on other people.
Conclusion
Praising kids for effort highlights the hard work it takes to
succeed, rather than natural talent. It’s a “no excuses” mentality:
the work they put in will likely equal the success they reach.
Steer clear of praising kids for supposed innate traits and

instead focus on effort. Embrace mistakes and all the work it
took to get your child to where she is. Try not to praise often,
but when you do, keep it descriptive rather than evaluative.
Raising hard working kids start with the way we communicate

with them on the things we value. Through hard work, they can
meet their goals, embrace mistakes and learn to love the process.
157
Day 30:
To You, Moms:
Be Kind to Yourself
With so much focus on parenting these days, it’s easy to feel

like we failed. We may harbor feelings we’re too scared or feel
guilty to admit. We feel frustrated when things don’t go as
planned or expected. When, despite our best efforts, kids still
misbehave or can’t sleep through the night.
The house is a mess. Work is hard. We have no breaks. We might

even wonder if we’re cut out for this motherhood business.
We assume we should’ve known better or done something

different when we get angry at our kids. It doesn’t help when
things don’t seem to get better.
We feel so much pressure around us, but I’d guess that most of
it comes from within ourselves.
You’re not a parenting failure

We need to be kinder to ourselves. We put too much blame on
our shoulders when things don’t go right. It’s time to reverse
that and give ourselves the grace and kindness we’d want our
kids to give to others.
Need a few reasons?
158
day 30: To You, Moms: Be Kind to Yourself
#1: We’re not perfect
No one will implement all the parenting tips they’ve ever heard,
every day, forever. We’re going to mess up. I know I have, and
will continue to.
You might yell at your kids right after reading an article on how
to not yell at kids. It’s impossible to maintain perfect parenting
when we’re just as human and vulnerable.
#2: Kids need to see realistic expectations
We stress out trying to be a perfect mom when doing just that

paints an unrealistic picture for our kids. After all, we need to
model realistic expectations of what being a mom is to our kids.
Stressing out doesn’t help anyone.
Kids need to see a healthy and well-rounded mom, not one

too hard on herself. Besides, caring for kids gets more difficult
when we feel stressed ourselves. Allow yourself the breaks you
deserve, if even just for your kids.
#3: You may be going through a challenge
I had to cut myself a lot of slack during the last few weeks of
my twin pregnancy. I struggled with the weight of the pregnancy
and all its ensuing complications. I felt guilty for not being the
patient mom my three-year-old needed me to be.
But I had to remind myself over and over that it was a

temporary challenge. A part of my life that is extra hard at the
moment, but will ease up in a few weeks or months.
159
Whatever challenges you may be facing, remind yourself that

this is a season in your life. And like all seasons, they’ll come
and go over time.
#4: You owe it to yourself
We have a lot on our plates. Imagine how your family would

function if you took a sudden and extended break for a month.
Where you couldn’t plan ahead for your absence—you just had
to leave for several weeks. Not a pretty picture, right?
That’s because we do a ton of things at home. We pack morning

lunches and do school pick ups. We rock our babies to sleep for
each nap. And we plan our weekly meals, shop for the items,
and pay all the bills every month.
I’m sure you can add a whole lot more to that list of things you
do for your family. When you feel down on yourself, remember
how much you already do in your day-to-day life.
Be kind to yourself
So, how can we treat ourselves with more kindness?
• Protect your personal time. This isn’t just a shallow call for
more “me” time. Focus on yourself even if it means saying
no to family, work, and other obligations. They may function
with you feeling stressed in the short-term. But long-term, no
one feels good if you’re running empty.
• Don’t dwell on your mistakes. We blame ourselves so much

and dwell on past mistakes. Instead, learn from what
happened. Use whatever you’re feeling guilty about as tell-
tale signs of what you need to fix. It’s not enough to feel
guilty—use it to correct weak areas in your life.
160
• Find support. You are not alone, no matter how you may
be feeling. It’s a stigma I wish we could get rid of. That
no one else feels the frustration, sadness or pressure you
feel. Find that support, whether through friends and family,
your partner, or online groups. You’ll lift the weight off your
shoulders knowing you’re not carrying it on your own.
Conclusion
Being kind to yourself isn’t a cop out. It’s not a call for all
moms to just up and desert their role as mothers in the name of
giving ourselves some slack.
But we need to love ourselves first, over anyone else who might
be taking that place right now. Our partners and children need
moms who prioritize themselves. Only then can we function and
be present for others.
And most of all, we need this kindness in our lives. Show

yourself the love you’ve been giving to others around you.
You more than deserve it.
161
Day 31:
The Only Parenting Advice
You Should Always Listen To
If you’ve been following our 31 Days to Better Parenting series,

you’ve already digested 30 days’ worth of advice. This doesn’t
include the tips you hear from friends and family. You might
even go online to research best parenting methods, and have a
few of your own to add.
And after 30 days of me offering daily tips, it might seem ironic

to hear my number one parenting advice. The one that everyone
needs to follow, no matter the age of their child. And one you
can always rely on:
My best parenting advice

The advice?
Do what works for you.
It’s so easy to share our successes and tips with our mom
friends. This is, after all, one of the best ways to learn new
techniques and is a huge benefit of “having a village” to rely on.
But at the end of the day, each of us knows our kids best. In
ways more profound than anyone ever will.
162
day 31: The Only Parenting Advice You Should Always Listen To
The same goes for being on the receiving end of the advice. We
can listen to the advice and apply bits or all of it. But we should
do so based on what works for us, our kids and our families.
Now more than ever in decades past, parenting seems to feel

categorized. We even get in debates about breastfeeding,
vaccinations, or whether kids can play unsupervised.
I can pinpoint many of my friends and describe ways they’re

similar or different to how I raise my kids.
And the nice thing is, that’s okay.
Each child, parent and family has their own nuances. There will
never be one blanket approach that works for everyone. Heck,
I’ve even had a change of heart on many of the things I had at
one point believed so strongly about.
Why?
We evolve. We learn more as we raise our kids. And through

time we let a few things go and cling on to new ideas. We
change as our kids change.
I’m certain and even hopeful you may not agree with everything
I’ve written in this series or blog. And that’s not only inevitable,
but a positive part about belonging to a community of parents.
We can take information, give it a try, and decide it works for us

or not. But the minute we feel stressed or wonder if we’re doing
it wrong, it’s best to stop and listen to your own needs. To do
what works for you and your family.
163
day 31: The Only Parenting Advice You Should Always Listen To
This isn’t a cop out to disregard advice or a call to ignore

information. After all, it would be a lonely journey without the
insights of other parents. And we learn best through gathering
information and comparing notes.
But what may work for others may not always work for our needs.
Being a better parent

You’ve been reading along this book because you wanted to be a
better parent. I hope the tips you’ve learned in this series have
given you new insight and applicable techniques to try.
But you know your family best, as I do mine. And it’s easy to
lose sight of that when we hear advice that don’t always line up
with what we believe. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for
decisions you make, especially with much thought and heart.
Do what works for you.
After all, there is no Perfect Parent. Just the Better Parent to

whom we are now, and the only one we should strive to be.
164
You did it!
conclusion
You did it—31 days of parenting tips. Congratulations!
My goal for this book was to break down what can seem like
overwhelming parenting advice into daily tasks you and I can
do. Hopefully you’ve been able to learn a few techniques you’ll
be able to apply more often.
So, what’s next? With this book in your hands, you can always
flip through these pages and focus in on a particular topic or
struggle until it feels right. Or re-read it for inspiration, or follow
along during another month.
Hop on the blog, sleepingshouldbeeasy.com, for even more

stories and advice, from one parent to another.
And finally, thank you for being the awesome parent that you
are. The fact that you signed up for this series and read about
parenting says more than enough.
Warmly,
Nina
165
About the Author
Nina Garcia is a mom to three boys.
She started her blog, Sleeping Should Be Easy

(sleepingshouldbeeasy.com), to record everything she was
learning about being a mom. She also wrote Parenting with
Purpose: How to Raise Well-Behaved Children and Build a
Strong Parent-Child Relationship.
In addition to her blog, Nina’s writing has been featured in

other publications, including BlogHer, Scary Mommy, and
The HerStories Project. She lives in Los Angeles.
166

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Parenting is hard, isn’t it?

Except we’ve got discipline all wrong.

We learn these behaviors from how we grew up. Others from

We’ve grown used to seeing discipline as punishment and

Let’s switch that around and look at discipline in a whole

• Manage her emotions

These are prime lessons she can learn from challenging

Look at each challenge not as a battle between you and your

Understand that her behavior is normal

We forget we’re dealing with children sometimes. I’ll get

Knowing her behavior is normal, though frustrating, will give you

You feel reassured that these constant tantrums are actually

Don’t take things personally

Parenting isn’t always about you. Sometimes we hold on to what

Instead, my kids cried the whole time at the beach. Or they

Thing is, discipline happens even on beautiful days, too.

We’re on the same side

What if, instead, you switched from “me vs you” to “we”?

When you discipline as a way to teach, you’re not out to win or

Imagine a teacher and a student gearing up for a big test. The

The best part? Switching to this mindset will lessen the

Discipline as teaching becomes a win-win for both you and your

My three-year-old is not a morning person. While his brothers

So the mornings when he’s pleasant and chipper run much

Be there through all their emotions

You might wonder if giving your child attention will reward

Being there for your child doesn’t mean condoning poor

But hugging your child, guiding her through a scuffle or not

You won’t reward misbehavior by being there for your child.

Keep your child close during hard times

What about your own emotions? Do you need to be chipper

Even when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

We might even think, I know yelling is terrible, but it gets the

At first glance, yelling does seem to work. We’ve shocked our

How? With this one technique:

How to stop yelling at your kids

An effective technique to stop yelling?

Find your triggers.

When we yell, we’re reacting. Maybe our kids do something, and

But it happens because of habit. Think about your daily habits.

And you’ve picked up triggers that lead to these habits. The

If you can’t think of any from the past, be aware of potential

#2: Define your typical response

Once you’ve identified your triggers, define your typical response.

Being aware of your triggers is important. Why? It allows you to

A pause can be something as simple (even silly) as saying the

Others pause by closing their eyes, holding their breath, or

#4: Find an alternative

The key to stop yelling is to replace those old habits and

To ingrain your new habits even further, define ahead of time

By finding your triggers, you’re more aware of what’s happening.

“Don’t jump on the couch.”

“You can’t have another snack.”

“Stop hitting your brother.”

Saying “no” can even been our default response to their

Sometimes we even assume we’re doing our job as parents

Why we shouldn’t always say “no”

We don’t honor their spirit and curiosity

We’re so quick to react with a “no” that we don’t pause and

We’re in constant battle mode