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Dealing with domestic

violence

Some time ago, I attended the funeral of

a very prominent Jamaican. What
remains in my memory of the event was
that every speaker spoke long and
eloquently about the deceased man's
love for his wife. On my way home, I
stopped at the home of a friend who
lived near the church. We were soon
joined by a third person who also
attended the funeral. We spoke about
the deceased for awhile and I
mentioned the comments about his love
for his wife. The other person said,
“Yes, but him used to gi har some bitch
beaten, yuh si…and you know seh I was
in a position to know.”

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One day, I was on my way to the country.

As I approached Spanish Town Hospital

traffic came to a halt. I came out to
investigate and saw a crowd by the gas
station. I saw a woman on the ground and a
man raining blows on her with both fists
and feet. Police arrived, restrained the man,
and started dragging him away. Slowly, the
bloody, battered body on the ground
stirred.

Then, seeing the police taking the man

away, she sprang into action, pushed one
policeman out of the way, held on to her
batterer, and delivered a feeble punch to
the other cop while shouting, “Unnu lef wi;
lef him, if him neva love mi him wouldn't
dweet!”

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The crowd broke into laughter. But the

policeman she pushed was angry. His
uniform was now bloody from contact with
the woman. In an expletive-laden
statement to his colleagues, he said, “Mi
tyad fi bc tell unu seh police doa bizniz inna
lovers' quarrel. Doa rc involve mi inna dem
ting ya again.”

I was a young social worker attached to the

Family Court when an acquaintance visited
me one afternoon. She said she needed a
personal favour. Sitting before me, she
handed me a picture of an attractive young
lady.

She then handed me another picture of

someone looking as if she had posed for a
mugshot.

She asked if I saw any resemblance. I

didn't. She said they were pictures of the
same person. “What happened?” I asked.
“Marriage,” she said, with a wry smile. “The
first picture was taken the same year of the
marriage, four years earlier. The second
was taken two weeks ago.”

The woman had experienced abuse during

courtship, but entered into the marriage
when, in search of a solution for his violent
behaviour, she asked if marriage would
change him and he said yes.

Eight months earlier, she hurried home with

what she thought was good news.

She was promoted and would now manage

one of the rural branches.

They no longer had to struggle with bill

payments. But he seemed crushed by the
news.

Tensions grew until he visited her

workplace one day, delivered a sound
thrashing in front of staff and customers,
locked up the building, and drove her
home.

Stress levels grew daily as his meagre

salary could not take care of the bills.

When she regained consciousness in the

Spanish Town Hospital nurses rallied
around her. She gathered that her husband
had beaten her on her head with the jack
from his car and was in police custody.

Hearing this, she immediately demanded

her clothes and, against the entreaties of
hospital staff, discharged herself, headed
to the police station, and got her husband
released.

Her friends felt that her only hope was to

have her removed to a place where she
could not be located by her husband. She
had relatives in Miami.

He could find her there. So I was tasked to

find somewhere else, outside of Jamaica,
where she could hide and heal.

It was urgent because the doctor had

warned that if her husband did not receive
help, he would, in all likelihood, kill her.

I contacted a retired couple I knew in New

York, explained that this lady was
recovering from a brain injury and needed
complete rest.

They immediately offered their basement,

rent-free, for as long as healing would take.

Two weeks after she arrived there I got a

letter, thanking me and telling me of the
many letters she had written seeking
employment.

I decided to call her to remind her that she

was in no condition to work for another
three months. So I dialled the number.

I am offering a large slice of cheesecake to

the first person who can tell me who
answered the phone.

Violence against women is nothing new in

this country. But it has dominated the news
over the past week as at least three women
have been killed by their partners.

Most times it happens when one partner

feels the need to dominate a partner in any
shape or form. Research has shown that
people with abusive tendencies generally
turn violent when they are unable to
exercise control.

Replay

When we have doubts about our abilities

and skills it leaves us with a poor self-
image and lack of self-confidence. We
therefore enter relationships 'armed' with
insecurity. This forces us to explore ways of
exercising power and control while
pretending to be acting like a 'real' man.

My experience is that every victim I have

met experienced violence in the home
against the mother and older female
siblings by the man in the house, leaving
girls to associate this kind of behaviour
with love and caring from future partners.

The boys see this as their role in life. They

all reach adulthood believing that violence
is a reasonable way to resolve conflict
between people.

Our young men have  learned, from

childhood, that women do not need to be
valued or respected

Beyond the swagger, these men usually

succumb to stress easily because of job
losses and housing foreclosures. And they
hit out.

There are usually warning signs shortly

after entering a relationship. But the
potential victims reject advice accusing
those giving the warnings as not wanting
anything good for them. But you can't
really blame them.

Here are two of the most glaring signals: “...

[B]us and taxi? No mi love.

Anywhere a going him tek mi and sit and

wait for me and take mi back home.”

Normally, this is the sign of a loving, caring

partner. Occasionally it is.

Or, “He says when a relationship just starts,

parents and friends should stay away to
allow the relationship to grow.” Interestingly,
when the abuse starts, the party that
creates the greatest hindrances to
correcting the problem is the victim. And
this is one aspect of dealing with domestic
abuse that has not been properly studied.

We still do not fully understand the nature

of domestic violence.

These areas offer the greatest potential

return from a research investment as it will
help to increase understanding and the
appropriate response to violence and rape:

a) What interventions are designed to do,

whom they are reaching, and how to reach
the many victims that do not seek help.

b) Factors that put people at risk of

violence, that precipitate violence,
including characteristics of the offenders.

c) The scope of domestic violence in

Jamaica and its consequences to
individuals, families and society, including
costs.

d) How to structure the study of violence

against women to yield more useful
knowledge.

There are frequent calls for individuals with

problems to seek counselling.

It should be obvious by now that this is not

working.

Men, there is nothing you can do about the

fact that you do not look like Denzel
Washington and you do not wear size 14
shoes. But, you are not alone.

Deal with it! How about developing some

inner qualities, like integrity and respect.

If your woman is going back to school, take

your ass off the bar stool and go too. She
will look up to you even though you are 5
feet tall.

Glenn Tucker, MBA, is an educator and a

sociologist. Send comments to the
Jamaica Observer or
glenntucker2011@gmail.com.

Talk to neighbours, co-workers and friends

of victims, and when what is learned has
been analysed, it will become abundantly
clear that the real, fundamental nature of
violence against women remains
unexplored and often misunderstood.

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GlennTucker

Columns

Glenn Tucker
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