Dear Evan Hansen (2015) – Evan: ‘Be Yourself…’ (Comedic)

313 words; 1:30

Dear Evan Hansen:

Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why. Because today,
all you have to do is just be yourself. (Beat)
But also confident. That’s important. And interesting. Easy to talk to.
Approachable. But mostly be yourself. That’s the big… That’s number
one. Be yourself. Be true to yourself.
Also, though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get
sweaty for no reason and you can’t make it stop no matter what you
do, because they’re not going to get sweaty, so I don’t even know why
you’re bringing it up because it’s not going to happen, because you’re
just… all you have to do is be yourself.
I’m not even going to worry about it, though, because seriously it’s
not like, it’s not going to be like that time you had the perfect chance
to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy at the jazz band concert last
year, when you waited afterward to talk to her and tell her how good
she was, and you were going to pretend to be super casual like you
didn’t even know her name, like she would introduce herself and
you’d be like, “wait I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Chloe, you said your
name was Chloe?” And she’d be like, “no, it’s Zoe, I said, Zoe” and
you’d be like, “oh, see, I thought you said Chloe because I don’t even,
I’m very busy with other stuff right now is the thing.” But then you
didn’t even end up saying anything to her anyway, because you were
scared your hands were sweaty which they weren’t that sweaty until
you started worrying that they were sweaty, which made them
sweaty, so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom, but
then they were still sweaty, they were just very warm now as well.
Dear Evan Hansen (2015) – Evan: ‘Different’ (Dramatic)
120 words; 1:00

Dear Evan Hansen:

It turns out; this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be
an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be?
Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe.
Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did.
Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe… maybe nothing would
be different at all.
I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of…
something. I wish that anything I said… mattered, to anyone. I mean,
face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,
Me.
Dear Evan Hansen (2015)– Evan: ‘The Connor Project’ (Dramatic/Comedic)
137 words; 1:20

Good morning students and faculty. I would, um, I would just like to
say a few words to you today about… my best friend… Connor
Murphy.
I’d like to tell you about the day that we went to the old Autumn
Smile Apple Orchard. Connor and I, we stood under an oak tree, and
Connor said, he wondered what the world would look like from all
the way up there. So we decided to find out. We started climbing
slowly, one branch at a time. When I finally looked back, we were
already thirty feet off the ground. Connor just looked at me and
smiled, that way he always did. And then… well then I…
(He nervously wipes his sweaty hands on his shirt. It doesn’t help)
… I fell.
(He continues to wipe his hands.)
I lay there on the ground and then…
(Turning to the next card)
Good morning students and faculty. I would um…
(Attempting to put his palm cards back in order)
Um… um… um…
(He drops all his palm cards)
Matilda the Musical (2010) – Mr Harry Wormwood: ‘Telly’ (Comedic)
176 words; 1:20

Ladies and gentlemen: I would like to offer an apology for some of the

things that have been going on here tonight. They are not nice things,

they are not right things. And I would like to state, guarantorically,

that I do not like any children to go home and try these things out for

themselves.

I am, of course, talking about reading books. It is not normal for kids

to behave in this fashion. It stunts the brain, it wears out the eyes; it

makes kids ugly, stinky, fatty, sweaty Betty, gaseous… and crucially,

it causes head lice of the soul. Under no circumstances do we

condone such activities, and we do so utterly without reservoirs.

Now, may I present to you the pinnacle of our achievement as a

species. The very reason we bothered evolving out of unicorns in the

first place; telly.

Now somewhere, on a show, I heard that a picture tells a thousand

words. So, telly, if you bothered to take a look, is the equivalent of

like… Lots of books

Company (1970) – April: ‘Wounded Butterfly’ (Comedic)
377 words, 2:12

Right after I became a flight attendant, a friend of mine, who had a

garden apartment, gave me a cocoon for my bedroom. He collects

things like that: insects, and caterpillars, and all that. It was attached

to a twig and he said one morning I’d wake up to find a beautiful

butterfly in my bedroom when it hatched. He also said that when

they first come out they’re soaking wet and there’s a tiny drop of

blood there too. Isn’t that fascinating? But, then, within an hour, they

dry off and then they begin to fly. Well I told him I had a cat, I had a

cat then, and he said just put the cocoon somewhere where the cat

couldn’t get at it. Which is impossible, but what can you do? So, I put

it up on this ledge where the cat never went and the next morning it

was still there, at least, so it seemed safe to leave it. Well anyway

almost a week later, very, very early this one morning the guy calls

me and he said ‘Alex, do you have a butterfly this morning?’ So I told

him to hold on and I managed to get up and look, and there on that

ledge was a wet spot and a tiny speck of blood but no butterfly. And I

thought ‘oh, Dear God in heaven, the cat got it.’ So I picked up the

phone to tell this guy and just then suddenly I spotted it under the

dressing table. It was moving one wing. The cat had got it but it was

still alive and so I told the guy and he got so upset and he said ‘oh no,
oh God. No, don’t you see that is a life. That is a living thing!’ Well I

got dressed and I went to the park and I put it on a rose. It was

summer then, and it really seemed like it was gonna be all right. I

think, anyway. But that man… I really felt damaged by him. Awful.

That was just cruel. So I went home and I called him back and I said

‘listen, I am a living thing, too, you shithead!’ Well I never saw him

again.
Company (1970) – Robert: ‘A Motel, One Night in Miami’ (Comedic)
265 words, 1:50

In Miami I met this girl at a party one night and, well, it was just like

you and me: we just connected. You don’t mind me telling you this do

you? It just came to my mind. Anyway, we connected in such a

beautiful way. Exactly like tonight. Except we couldn’t contain

ourselves. It was incredible. We were talking and suddenly we

realised we just couldn’t talk anymore. No sounds came. We stood

looking at each other, we were both bathed in perspiration. Our

breathing was so short and our legs were trembling and we just left.

We drove to one of those strips there where they have all those

motels. We didn’t even say anything she just sat so close to me. So

close. We got inside that room and we started touching. And kissing.

And laughing. And holding. And suddenly she said I should go get lots

of champagne and some baby oil and we should get beautifully high

and rub the… well you know. She said she’d be in bed waiting for me I

rushed out of there and I drove around looking for a liquor and a

drug store open. And I got all the champagne and the baby oil and I

started back to the motel and I could not find it. I looked for over

three hours. More. I mean, all night I looked for that motel. All night.

With all that oil and the champagne and my hands trembling and the
sweat running down my face. I never found it. And I never saw her

again.
Assassins (1990) – Byck: ‘Dear Lenny’ (Comedic/Dramatic)
719 words, 4:39

Hello, Mr Bernstein? Lenny? How you doin’? My name is Sam Byck.

We’ve never met. You’re a world-renowned composer and conductor

who travels the world over enjoying one success after another and

I’m an out-of-work tire salesman, so I guess that’s not surprising. But

I hope you’ll take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to listen to

this tape, which you just opened in the mail. If you can’t listen to it

now maybe you can listen to it – (He sings)

TONIGHT, TONIGHT…

(He chuckles cheerfully) I love that song. What a melody! And what a

sentiment. “Tonight, tonight, I’ll meet my love tonight…” Where is

she, Lenny? Gimme a hint. Lenny you’re a modest kind of guy, I know

that. But you’ll indulge me for a minute if I say something from the

heart. You’re a genius. Yes you are! And you know why? You

understand what people want. You have their ear. You make ‘em

listen, Lenny. No one listens. Are you listening?! No one listens… Well,

if you’re hearing this, I guess you’re listening now, right? So with all

due respect, deferring to your stature in the world of music, classical

and semi-classical, I want to offer you a small piece of advice… Hey, I

know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is Sam Byck with his fat ass

and his tongue on rye to give a shit hot guy such as yourself advice?
Well, Lenny, it’s a fact that my unwillingness to compromise my

principles and kiss ass like some people I could mention has cost me

the so-called good life which others have enjoyed. So be it, Len. Fuck

me, fuck you. But Lenny, listen. Listen to one small piece of advice

from a true fan… Forget the long-hair shit and write what you write

best. Love songs. They’re what we need! They’re what the world

needs! “Lonely Town!” “Maria!” Tender melodies to cherish for a

lifetime! Timeless strains which linger in the memory and the heart!

Love, Lenny! What the world needs now is love sweet love! Love

makes the world go round! * Well, not exactly. Bullshit makes the

world go round. You know that all too well, a worldly guy such as

yourself. You know the world’s a vicious, stinking pit of emptiness

and pain. But not for long. I’m gonna change things, Lenny. I’m gonna

drop a 747 on the White House and incinerate Dick Nixon**. It’s

gonna make the news. You’re gonna hear about it and I know what

you’re gonna ask yourself: what kind of world is this where a decent,

stand-up guy like Sam Byck has to crash a plane into the President to

make a point? You’re gonna wonder if you want to go on living in a

world like that. Well, lemme tell you, Len. You do. And you know

why? So you can keep on writing love songs! Yes! There’s a gorgeous

world out there, a world of unicorns and waterfalls and puppy dogs!
 And you can save it! Through the medium of your God-given talent!

Do it, Lenny! Save the world! Is that too much to ask?!... Oh, Lenny.

One more thing. When you hear about my death you’re gonna

wonder if there’s something more you could’ve done. Lenny, you did

everything you could…*** (He takes a long contemplative pause) Well,

maybe not everything. Maybe not absolutely everything, you know?

Maybe one day you could’ve picked a phone up. Just picked up a

phone and said, “Hey, Sammy how’s it going? Hang in there, Sam. This

Bud’s for you.” How long would that have taken you? A minute? Half a

minute? That was too much, wasn’t it? You probably had your lime

double-parked. You and your shit hot buddies had a plane to catch to

Paris, France for dinner and a blowjob. Hey, I understand. I

understand too well, my friend. You’re just like all the rest of them –

(reading) Jonas Salk, Jack Anderson, Hank Aaron… You knew where I

was. You all did. And you know what you did? You left me there! You

jerks! You shits! You pricks! You had your chance and now it’s too

damn late! Fuck me?! Fuck you! I’m outta here! I’m history, Lenny!

Understand?! I’m history! (He sings) – I LIKE TO BE IN AMERICA,

O.K. BY ME IN AMERICA,

KNOBS ON THE DOOR IN AMERICA

WALL-TO-WALL FLOORS IN AMERICA!

***3:26
Chicago (1975) – Billy Flynn: ‘Playing Square’ (Comedic)

275 words, 1:30

You know, that’s touching. To care for a woman that much is really

very touching. But, I’ve got a motto, and that motto is this – play

square. Dead Square. Now, when you came to me yesterday, I didn’t

ask you was she guilty. I didn’t ask was she innocent. I didn’t ask you

if she was a drunk or a dope fiend. No foolish questions like that, now

did I? No. All I said was, “Have you got five thousand dollars?” And

you said yes. But you haven’t got five thousand dollars so I figure

you’re a dirty liar. But, I took her case and I’ll keep it because I play

square. Now look, I’m not a braggart. I don’t like to blow my own

horn, but believe me, if Jesus Christ had lived in Chicago today – and

if he had five thousand dollars and had home to me – things would

have turned out differently. Now, here’s what we’re gonna do… by

tomorrow morning I’ll have her name on the front page of every

newspaper in town. She’ll be a celebrity. Hottest little jazz slayer

since Velma Kelly. She’ll be famous, see. Then we announce we’re

gonna hold an auction. Tell ‘em we got to raise money for her

defense. They’ll buy anything she ever touched – her shoes, her

dresses, her perfume, her underwear. Plus, we tell ‘em that if by due

process of law she gets hanged, the stuff triples in value. And that’s

how we raise the rest of the five thousand dollars. I’ll give you twenty
percent of everything we make over that, and that’s what I call

playing square.