 Sky is the limit

The bird who is born in a cage thinks that flying is an illness.

Let me look into my surroundings. Look at the birds and the trees,
and just these two for today. A bird can fly at any altitude. It can fly
close to the ground or it can fly up higher in the sky. It can fly in a storm,
also flies when it pours down. What changes? The change is in the
external events. The weather changes, the height at which the bird is
flying changes. What does not change is the action.

Why is it that I forget what I “have to do” when the external events
change? Why do I think that now that the external events have
changed, my actions also need to change? The bird only flies – a
mechanical, automatic, natural response that she has always done, does
and will do. The “actions” rarely change. They are just as unique to birds
as they are to the trees. Phototsynthesis - how do trees make their
food? How do they grow? All the trees in the world, how do they spring
out of a seed? What is wood, what are leaves and what are the fruits?

It is so easy to think that my actions are wrong just because someone

else says so. “What you have always been doing wrong” “this secret will
change your life” “the one tip you need to know to live your potential”.
One will go mad if they are to look outside for answers. Not all answers
are inside, either. I need to look up to others to know what works for
them, will it work for me, why it will work for me, why it will not work
for me and then do it myself. But this must be preceded by actions on
my own part. I cannot jump into the sea if I have not tested myself in
the currents of the rivers.

For example, I was only able to recognize my kinesthetic learning

style when I had experienced note making and scribbling myself. No,
this was the wrong method. Notemaking is not my style. I did it wrong. I
did not think it through. I do not make notes anymore. Learner’s prior
experience is the most helpful tool to study and learn ahead. I cannot
learn anything in vacuum. Just how I cannot learn to fly like a bird
because I have never experienced this action before.

What I mean to say is that what I have learned in my childhood is the

foundation of my adulthood too. I am not talking about the negative
traumatic events but the actions or the motives I had observed and
thought within myself. Not what was imposed upon me but what I did in
the solitude, in my own personal space. There lies my action. There lies
my direction. What did I do in my solitude? I thought and dreamed and
made conversations in my head. I speak my thoughts so why not turn
this solitude into reading and writing? Why don’t I write what I think?
Why don’t I read what I think? Why don’t I read what others think?
Books were, are and will be the most important source of self
development in any era whatsoever.

 Sky is the limit but there is the limit

Everyone has to pay a price for something. Housewives don’t have a

job. Kirana stores don’t have a mall. The ugly man is not beautiful. The
diabetic cannot eat sweets. What am I saying? I cannot have everything
of everything. If I have a degree, a house, food, financial security,
vehicle, a smartphone, parents, a sibling, then I can pay the price of not
having a social life. Why? Not because I don’t make any efforts but
because I am probably not meant for it.

Looking at my own life experience, I have never come home after

school or college and felt content with myself. Being around other
students, other people not only generated a psychic level of pain in me
but also made an endless loop of negative obsession with my own
image and perception in the eyes of others. I was constantly, totally,
completely occupied with the thoughts of other people, jealousy, envy,
inferiority, negativity, self doubt, resentment, frustration. And I tried.
Believe me I tried so much to change myself, to mend into something
that could finally end my lifelong pain, loneliness and torture. But no. I
am still the same person in terms of social life. This brings me to the
conclusion that I am probably not meant for a social life, friends or
relatives sort of things. I have been having fights with other girls in my
class since a young age. I don’t remember what we argued about but I
was often the initiator. I was very negatives in terms of other people.
Manipulative, abusive, Obsessive, sensitive, weak and insecure. These
were lower unevolved energies. I was often wrong, always wrong. No, I
was not wrong; there are no mistakes and no accidents. I was moody,
choosy, selfish and a maniac. Totally wrong. I am normal in my own
ways. I am completely normal. You would say, okay then why didn’t you
change yourself and became a good person? Tell a dog to meow or
teach a cat to bark. That’s how ingrained it is in me to be lonely, private
and introvert. That is how much I resent people in general. Not because
people are bad but because I am born with so much negativity. No, I am
not negative. I prefer solitude, that is it. I don’t know if I have inherited
it from my maternal family or it is. No, I have not inherited it from
anyone. I am on my own.

 Acceptance is freedom
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you
are beautiful.”

 Love is not everything. It is only when we are young that we

think it is.
Who knows this better than me? Can I blame anyone for my
character? Can I blame my parents or relatives or the boys
themselves? why did i have extra ordinary attraction towards boys?
Why was I so obsessed with relationships? Why was I always
daydreaming? Why was I always in a wonder land? Why was I
always thinking about boys? I once said that I love all men. Poor or
rich, ugly or handsome, whichever religion, whichever country, I
want to marry every man in the world. Didn’t I say this once?

If I base my self image on my good karma and compare myself to

other people, then I will never be satisfied. There is always someone
with more friends, who is much more helpful in many more ways than
I can ever imagine, who gives much more costly gifts to their friends
and donates large amount of money to charity. Actors, politicians,
corporate giants, Bill Gates foundation, Ratan Tata, to name a few.
There are millions of people who give huge amounts in charity and
for religious affairs such as temples and services. I cannot and don’t
want to compete with anyone in scoring good karma points.
Ultimately the only purpose of human life is to attain moksha and get
out of this cycle. No, I am not sure about moksha currently. Which
way to follow? One that suits me.

I was trying to learn things by I am a kinesthetic learner. No I
orally repeating them. am a visual, intuitive,
independent learner. I have an
excellent muscle memory and I
learn by writing things. I do
write but not notemaking. I write
what I think. Spontaneity is the
name of the game. i learn things
by writing them again and again
and visually imagining
everything in my head. No, I
don’t write again and again. I do
reverse writing not forward
notemaking.
I was trying to make “friends” I have accepted my introversion
but I do remember that whenever and private nature. Yes my
the friend word was mentioned, I
explicitly said that “I don’t make
friends”. I guess I yearned for
company like a normal human
being but not friends
I was trying to please my
relatives and family members
and “help” them.
I was looking for praise,
validation, appreciation and
dreaded rejection, ridicule, being
ignored.
I was neither religious nor
spiritual
She wanted to teach me how
destiny works, how everything is
predestined, how everyone is
controlled by her, whether good
or bad.
I do not “desire” to see how far
the science and technology will
go, which movie is released,
which fashion is in trend, which
songs are popular because these
things are already made in past.
private nature has cost me a lot
of opportunities and also made
me suffer. But I have not lost
anything. Look at the bright side.
Big mistake. Not because they
are bad people but because I am
just not good at these things.
Now I have accepted that fame
and success are overrated. Life is
all about growth and
improvement. Success and
failure are same things, just
illusions.
Oh boy! I am quite spiritual now
She wanted to teach me that
what I was running after was a
mirage and a joke. All people are
equal but their lives are diverse.
My only focus in life should be
to attain moksha.
I had already seen my future 8
years ago and knew all the
details that had not even
occurred in the real life. She has
told me that body is temporary.
She wanted to tell me that life is
just a drama. I am playing a role
in this drama. My role will end
and I will get a new role. I am
just a character in the drama.
 Whateevr good or bad happens,
it happens to the character in the
drama. Who am i?
My only goal is to burn the karma of the past life. It would really pain
me if I die and leave this body with karmic baggage. Kriya yoga,
gayatri mantra can help me move on. Any activity done with absolute
love gives realization of God. The only question is how much
patience do you have?
 SAIWAL
I knew that I will meet him one day. I knew him before I met him but
when I met him I forgot that I knew it already. As the life unfolded,
there was a lot of tension and confusion in my head. Why the hell was
I talking to saiwal? I could not understand why I was doing what I
was doing – just that I was doing it. on one hand I thought that I am
wasting my time, my parents’ efforts and sacrificing my career – on
the other hand it was a turning point in my life. What saiwal does not
know is what it means to transform. He is rational, scientific, logical;
he is the other side of the coin. He balanced me and let me explore
myself in his shelter. I used to talk to saiwal in my head. Firstly I
thought that I have gone mad but boy this is only getting better! There
is no free will. There are no mistakes. Do not resent anyone or
anything. Do not judge or criticize. All things are exactly how they
are meant to be. When I met saiwal, I started from scratch. This was
the first time I opened up to anyone about my background and
childhood. I did write about family stuff on reddit but not like this.
The reason why I didn’t shy in telling everything to saiwal was that he
was my boyfriend. Boyfriend not in the pop language but in an
energetic way. Saiwal is my boyfriend until I meet my partner. He is
my boyfriend so whom else will I tell everything if not my partner?
Saiwal told me that he has talked to many girls and a few of them
have told him their traumatic secrets. What he did not know was that
he was getting ready for me. what I did not know was that I was
getting ready for him. I don’t know how meeting me has impacted
him, I never asked. He said that lockdown period was a transforming
period for him, whether it was initiated by me? it is difficult to
explain. He asked me why I chose him out of everyone? I didn’t have
a choice. You were destined to meet me, I did not choose it. if I say
soulmate/destiny/boyfriend he will think of it in pop culture but how
do I put into words what I know? I know it so I know it. I am not
mentally ill. I understand that mind is a powerful tool and that is why
I research everything and meditate upon it before reaching a
conclusion. Saiwal does not acknowledge my thought process. He
said that our experiences shape our reality, he has not experienced me
so his reality is different. I am not saying that I am better thinker than
him, I am moving in a different direction that’s it. I went back and
told everything to saiwal in as easy words as possible. I didn’t ask
him anything about his life. He once offered to answer any questions I
had but I didn’t want to know it. what I did not like was that he acted
like he had an upper hand by not telling anything about himself. I
never asked you anything. I have never asked anyone anything unless
they tell it to me themselves. Simply because I am not interested in
anyone’s life story. I had a short term official relationship with saiwal
for 3 days and that was enough. that’s equal to 30 years or even a
lifetime and that is enough. saiwal thinks that I am mess. No I am not.
Life is about going from mistake to mistake without the loss of
enthusiasm. And what if I told you there are no mistakes? This is
where the merger of scientific thinking, analysis, experiment,
evidence come into play. It is an art to merge evidence, justice,
experiments with intuition – it is a delicate process.
I liked to argue with saiwal. His reactions were cute. He acts like a
little boy sometimes. He is childlike but also mature. I don’t think that
I will talk to him again. 2022 onwards is going to be a different
chapter of my life. I am ready to move on to the next chapter. Saiwal
was similar in temperament to Jarvis – both of them had long hair,
were tall, lean, always online and conversationalists. How did I bump
into similar men twice? Abhinav was similar to saiwal in looks but I
don’t know anything about him. My “secret relationships” with Jarvis
and saiwal “transformed” me. it is an individual journey, they have
different perceptions of me and that is all they need to know.
I have found a purpose for now. It is to research, study, write,
document and share my experiences, discovery, knowledge. I like to
write and am receiving information – do not second guess yourself.
My professional inclination is also research based. I hope I am
selected in judicial service soon, hopefully in this year. I want to live
an independent life. The truth is that everyone everywhere is
independent, even a slave is. They just do not realize it. even a dog
tied to its leash is independent and free. Mental independence is far
reaching, unlimited and infinite but it is not an easy thing to do, to
think. What saiwal does not know is his connection to pratyush. Even
I did not know why I met saiwal, talked to him and connected with
him. But when I met pratyush, I knew it. both are civil engineers, iitk
connection, both have similar life philosophies, both are laid back
stable rational philosophical, both have intense eyes and stare, both
are loyal dominating domineering fatherly controlling bossy but warm
compassionate loving caring, both are playful in nature,
conversationalists and like to have a fun and light mood in
relationships. Saiwal was my introduction to pratyush. He helped me
shape my personality. The time has come for me to meet pratyush. I
am calm and collected. I do feel like talking to saiwal again but it is
okay, control it. missing is the part of the process. We had ego issues.
Haha!
You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. God bless you.

I am spiritual, my blessing has a lot of power. How can I stay angry at

my partner? How can I not love him unconditionally? Love is all I
have to offer you. Love is all I have for you. Your ego will not come
in my way. I loved you like nothing else. I know that you are private,
insecure, call yourself boring and vanilla. You have a lived a normal
life and so has pratyush. Only I am the different piece between them.
They have nothing to tell because nothing interesting is there hehe.
There are just regular everyday stuff. God bless them both. Trauma is
not interesting! Focus on the positive things, everything nd everyone
is flawed. 😊
I do feel guilty but I know that I need to renounce my family to
pursue the truth, my destiny and where I belong. I belong to my
partner not to my family. I do not belong to my children either. I
belong to pratyush. We are a complete system together. We are there
for each other in highs and lows. He is there for me to sail through the
storm, to be my rock in the stormy days, help me in career setbacks,
help me in health issues, care for me unconditionally because I make
him happy, proud, stronger. My life is very transformational and
stormy. Everyday something new. Everyday is a new adventure.
Every year my life takes a new turn. Only my pratyush can bear it. he
is strong, brave, intelligent. Only him. I was made for him! Saiwal
was also supportive but I want someone to stand by my side right
here. Pratyush and I will always be attracted to each other. Only him
and I will be there for each other, just like only saiwal and I were
there for each other. 😊

Alternate reality, parallel universe, parallel lives and other dimensions

are reality. Let me research and write about them.