I Find What I Seek PDF

I FIND WHAT I SEEK
Nesla
I FIND WHAT I SEEK 1

I FIND WHAT I SEEK
English
Written by : Nesla
Rights Reserved
Published
August 2018
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2 I FIND WHAT I SEEK

I FIND WHAT I SEEK
Nesla

PROLOGUE
Just like the silence of pleasure; all my writings were reflec-
tion of my silence. On the faces that passed in front of me at
every stage of my life, a face that never cease to exist. The inspi-
ration from her story has brought me to write this book.
Weeping down all the burden of the chest, and never worry-
ing about tears; when I came across loneliness, I realized that I
was writing the loudest cries. So my heart began to conceive the
each word, and the pen was giving birth to them.
I realized that there is nothing more encouraging than writ-
ing, and that motivated me to fall in love with the writer in me.
I lacked the feeling of inexorable intimacy with the fear of the
nerves that I never wanted to remember and the happiness of
the mind and the fear of night at night.
When the heart is caught up in knowing that I have nothing
to expect or love; the most crumpling star in the sky started a
new chapter in me.
Everyone who wants to dissolve in to the infinity of loneli-
ness, because of thinking that there is nothing remains to ex-
pect; then just remember one thing, some of you might see the
faint light on your face like a sun shine. That person or the smile
spreading because of your proximity may be the beginning of
your life as you thought it came to an end.
This book may help you to find that person. But there is one
thing; this book will give you the patience and courage to reach
that person.
And finally;
I do not want to influence you. But rather I want to be your
inspiration. Or, if any one can be inspired, I would say that is the
biggest achievement in my life.

INDRODUCTION
The versatile chapters written in the scope of the life span
with cravings are presented in front of you through “I Find What
I Seek”. Even though lived with the sorrow of broken security,
she desired to fly up with the weakest flaming wings. This is a
story of a girl who has lived and succeeded.
The work is being given to readers through conservative
machinations of cruelty. It is a distinct experience that tries to
overcome the incredible life threatening conflicts in the midst of
the strength of the confidence.
The novel encircled by a novice, who had already begun to
suffer from the threat of illness before start to know what is life.
Each of the lines in the series is the overwhelming consequence
of the great disease that has been shamed and lowered its head
in front of the pure confidence.
The hands of a conscience fearing to depart from the uni-
verse are symbolising as romance and warmth in relationships.
Without the face of complexions, the novel unrevealing a
different kind of a girl, who laughed with us and cried without
seeing us.
I hope this work will help to light the thousand candles of
survival.
Thanima Devaraj
(My friend and student of Nirmalagiri college, Kerala)

ONE
The pain has been spreading on my body. My death was
watching me silently from the front .However, the death was
more curious than me. As I grabbed with pain, that curiosity was
doubling.
When I was leaning for a breath of breath, death looked
puzzled as this was meaningless. But there was love and sympathy
in Yama’s eyes. Suddenly those feelings were transferred in to
the faces of gods and angels in the earth.
They were doing bhageeratha prayatna to save me. They were
keen to save their loved ones even though they were unsure
to be saved me. They were kind to me and I felt sympathetic
towards them.
My condition began to become more pathetic. The cold has
reached the bottom. Strangely, my throat swallowed my voice.
I was stuck on the bed and was not able to move on. If the fate
allowed men to scream, their pain would have gone halfway.
When death arrives at the gate, lives and memories will be
the same as the guests and the curtains are moving forward,
rather than the uninvited guest.
I was very happy a few hours ago. I was standing in front of
the ward office. Even though I knew that the surgery was on two
‘o clock in the afternoon, but the news did not spur any effect on
my face. My heart was in an excitement of reviving the pain that
I suffered five years ago.
But my hands waved sweat. The face was full of sadness. Eyes
are slightly filled. Dial button of my phone was disappointed
because of sweat. Maybe; that may be because it’s salty taste.
After the phone and hands were wrapped in the clothes, I kept
trying again.
Suddenly my friend took the phone. The eyes flowed out.
And the prospect became joy.
“Hello”
“Hello”
“I am going for my operation. Do not bother. I will be back
and call again.”
“You too should not be afraid.”
“Okay, I am putting up.”
I put the phone on that saying. Then I headed the headset on
my ear. And I began to hear the recording of old conversations.
My face was shining then. As each voice heard, the desire to
live was continuing. The desire to live is quite natural when you
know that there are people to wait for you. In the meantime, the
Jessy sister coming from the long distance caught my attention.
I was sure that Jessy sister was confronted with this glee on my
face.
Because five years ago, they done this same surgery on my
left hand. And because of the helplessness of the doctors, they
were done the surgery on me with my senses.
My body defended against the drug used to anaesthetic me,
and there was a big fight there. Finally, the supreme victory is for
my body. Science has to be defeated and the man won. At that
time I realized that the battle victories were futile and worthless.
Jessy sister was just as closed to me. And she was looking at
me wonderfully as I thought.
“Hello sister, did you eat?”
Jessy sister was a Tamilian. That is why my question has come
like this. Only after questioning whether they ate a meal, they
would look for comfort.
“Yeah Dwani, I ate. Do not you know that the operation is
today?”
“Yeah I know.”
“But sorry, I thought you were so happy, so...”
“There is a previous experience, so no worries.”
“Thank god, we all were in this fear. Anyway this smile may
be smiling forever. Bye.”
My pleasure had destroyed the fear of the nurse. I got in to
the ward. A white shirt with a biscuit coloured skirt and a nikker,
and this was my dress for surgery.
The nurse attendants applied the spirit and betadine on my
hands and legs. The left hand put them out of the shirt. I clothed
the stockings. Jaya, one of the nurse attendant and one of the
patients, shanty braided my hair.
Suddenly there were three VIP sisters. Since I have been done
the biopsy in the nerve to load glucose, they positioned it right.
“Dwani, three VIP nurses are there to care for you!” At this
time another nurse who passed through it said.
“That’s because I am a VVIP.” I replied.
People in my ward and the neighbouring ward started to come
to me one by one. In everybody’s faces, love and passion for me
was great. I kept trying to make them happy. The unexpected
Jessy sister’s arrival is when it’s been fitted.
“Is this where it was supposed to have glucose? Do not know
this is dangerous when undergoing surgery?” Jessy sister was
very angry when she saw the place where glucose was in my
hand.
“It’s been done by biopsy here.”
Jessy sister suddenly looked at my face, and she was calm. I
was shocked at that moment. Maybe that’s why;
“Dwani, it is dangerous to load glucose in here during the
operation. Block may be more likely to occur in this area. If that
happens, death can happen. If you were my daughter, would not
I be warm? That’s why the anger was coming.”
“I can understand.” I said.
“All this is in god’s hand, come anyway.”
They placed me on the wheel chair. The wheel chair was
rolled out by Jaya Akka.
At the end of the world, there was Malar, a pet of the
hospital. She is sitting with her lover and boyfriend. Even though
she is a dog, she’s a star too. This section is under their control.
Sometimes, I felt like Malar is their queen. They did not allow a
dog outside to enter this area. However these three are good. I
think they know my operation and came to visit me. I told them
I could come back and see them again in my mind.
So the wheel chair staged in front of the theatre. We entered
to the building. The most eager the building I have ever seen.
This space gave me the most hatred day in my life.
The day on which the drugs bumped me and the weapons of
doctor’s drank my blood. The day I stabbed with the pain to get
rid of pain. Life has brought me back to the same place.
There is not even a single particle of fear within me. It seems
to me that life has made me brave. There was a twenty- twenty
match in my mind. The dump is again science and Man’s. I was
trying to predict the success of today.
The trip of the theatre opened in front of me. My hand
and foot is fixed on the wheel chair. The eyes were rushing
forwarded. The doors were opened to me in front of my eyes.
Each one has receiving me, with smiles, and with the faces I had
known. The smile was familiar with their faces as I was familiar
with their faces.
At last I have reached my destination. The butcher shop that
makes man to identifies life and death. Here are only some
differences. The living men are here when they cut down the
fattened cattle. It is the gap between the death and live. And
there is no blood in any one’s body here. Everyone is in the same
dress today. There is no voice. And it was a very clean room. Two
air conditioners are on the wall. Four tubes, three doctors, three
nurses, and two nurse attendants.
They placed my position to the operating table. They marked
the same position as the left- handed operated. Now it has
progressed from six inches to nine inches.
The doctor Kalaivani came to me. Mild- tempered speech,
tenderness in character, and shining eyes with love. This doctor
is my favorite. In my mind she is in the position of my elder sister.
There are some papers in her hand.
“This is the obligation of the operation.” She said.
Jessy sister reads it. The ink in the pen copied my signature
on those papers.
A special Anaesthetist has come for me today. He is coming
to me.
“Dwani, is that the name?”
“Yes.” I replied.
“Okay. I am an Anaethetist in Apollo hospital.”
“Hm.”
“Okay, look at your right side.”
He took the cotton and put it on the top of my neck.
“Are you going to inject here?” I was curiously asked.
“Yes, turn right. There will be good corrosion, as the current
entering to the body. Tell me what you feel.”
This message was not new to me, so it does not made in
difference on me. But if I say there is nothing shocking at me
about where the anaesthesia is going to put, then it will be a lie.
But there is still no trace of fear in me.
“Alas!”
The drug is coming into my body. The oppression applied
by the anaesthetist’s hand is entering the drug in to my body.
It extends from neck to hand and back bone. Like the current
enters into the body. This is really painful.
“I have pain.”
He stopped making oppression.
“Do you have pain?” he asked with anxiety.
“Yeah, close to my spine area.”
“Are you able to take this?”
I shook my head. He made sure that I was fine. The fingers
reopened after a break. He slowly withdrew his hand from my
body. He took a cotton pad and wrapped up there.
Doctors came forward. My left hand was on the long booth
on which attached to the operating table.
“Dwani...raise your hand slowly.”
I lifted my hand easily. They looked each other. Anaesthetist
seems to have never expected this much. It’s clear to them that
the drug is incompatible with my body.
They gave me a local anaesthesia in my wrist. Doctor Kalaivani
came forward.
“Dwani, your eyes will be covered with this towel.”
“Oh no, I want to see, or did not get it right.”
“That will not work. Anyway, we need to cover your eyes.”
They took a green coloured cloth and covered my eyes with that.
It was too intolerable. Darkness penetrates in to the eyes.
All medicines are aimed at my head. The head is getting worse.
The pillow had gone away. Due to the darkness in the eye, the
contradictions are not understood. But the body is still awake;
The past has come forward, dismissing fear in question as far
as I am concerned.
TWO
The little town Alamaba was submerged under sleep. All the
space was under the control of darkness. The particles of the
only breath that only nature and the creator had gift, entered to
the inner parts of each of them. Then in the mystery of the return
is with taking their inner dirt, the journey began to come again
and again to another’s chest. That process of nature continued.
Every particle of life is a gift from the pressure of the breath.
In the midst of rush and luxury, they began to dive into the world
of dream. When the thoughts and rushes ended, they flickered
into the world of their own dreams. Nidra god slept every man,
and vanished with the key of sleep. But there was still a room
that went unnoticed in the eyes of Nidra god.
In the last stages of the night, the wind was flourished. Light
moved away from the earth. The clouds took away the whole of
the moon, so as not fall in love with the earth, as the symbol of
selfish love. She also joined with him as she knew that love. At
the same time, the candle on the table in the small room was
carrying out its duty to death. My eyes were shining in that little
light of unselfish love. My tear dropped in to my hands. It was
warm than the fire. It was like a flame spreading in to my body.
Even the surging waves inside me where unable to quench it.
I took a diary from the table. It has been aging. The forehead
frowned and the hair and colour faded. But it still stands dazzling,
not giving up the mind to old age.
I slowly changed the pages. Its intro and content was a
picture. The picture made of love and affection by colours. One
mother, father and a girl who had a curiosity in her eyes. That
was me, Dwani.
“I am never a stranger to you. I am one of you. Once you
look at your girl’s eyes, you can see me there sometimes. I am
familiar with not only to those who were thrown in to the street
where love is denied. Because, if you has see a little sorrow in
the smiling eyes, then I will be there.”
I am dissolved in that picture. My views were blurred and
the letters vanished. I wiped my tears. With that a new view and
a new chapter were blazing. The memories of my time began
to look at me in the dark of darkness. And the story that I had
heard repeatedly began to sound in the ears.
When I was only six months old, we were going to the house
of my father’s friend. I was sleeping on my mom’s chest, and my
mother slowed down me in my father’s lap. But god’s creatures
did not realize that god had removed me from the hands of
death.
Suddenly, the control of the car was misplaced, and the driver
could not able to control it. Just as it was caught in the mouth of
the lion in search of salvation for not being caught in the enemy’
s hands; through the driver tried to control the vehicle as much
as possible, but....
All the onlookers were afraid of death. But even in the eyes
of death, the symbol of cruel truth, was filled with tenderness.
Or, do I have to face more tragedies in life? I do not have any
answer. But death; only the life of the mother and the driver
were caught. The moment of wonder a panic in the midst of the
people. Those who were created from the soil after leaving the
earth returned to the same soil. At the same time, another life
was being hit to death in a hospital.
He came back to his life by defeating the death. When the
eyes were opened, his baby is in front and in the ears the news
about his wife’s death.
At the moment when all the hopes of life seemed ruined, the
baby’s face created the desire to live in him.
After returning home, he felt the house and the place as a
symbol of grief and loneliness. He felt like he was a mockery for
them. So he left that house and came to Alabama.
He was able to forget the sadness of his wife’s departure by
the glow of his daughter’s eyes. The days have passed much
longer than he had forgotten the memories of his wife and her
death.
He brought me through all the love. Although I grew up with
my father’s love, I knew that the lack of mother was in my life.
THREE
In the morning, I woke up when my father called. I did not
remember when I slept.
My father put a maid in the house so that I could not find
myself alone. Her name was Janaki. She loved me very quickly
and grabbed my heart. But dad never forgot his duty to me. My
dad is the world to me.
“Janaki, when my dad came back to home?” I asked with
mourn.
“Now what happened? Tired of being with me?”
Suddenly, the sound of the car in the courtyard, I ran to the
courtyard. It was not like I had expected. It was my father’s
relatives. I was even better than I saw my father. I knew that I
could love everyone, and they kept me alive.
“Grandma!” I drove towards Grandma’s side.
“Are you fine? How old I seen you grandma?”
“Oh, that’s why the grandma came here. So your father has
forgotten that way. Okay, leave it. Are you fine my little baby?”
Questions were filled with love.
“Come on, all of you get in.”
“Where is your father gone?”Sitting at the couch in the
welcome room, and my grandma asked me.
“Daddy will come now. Dad went to the office.”
Janaki gave tea to everyone. I sat on the lap of my
grandmother. In the midst of my cuddy they did not notice the
sound of daddy’s car.
“Why all are here?” daddy asked everyone.
“What’s wrong, cannot we come this way? I do not see you
that way, so I thought I might come here.” Daddy’s sister Lakshmi
aunt replied with bitterness.
“Suddenly everyone looks unexpectedly. That’s why I asked.
If I’m wrong, please forgive me.” My dad apologised.
“Vijay, come here. I want to talk to you something serious.
That’s why it hurried to come here.” Grandma wore a face of
seriousness.
“What’s Amma? What’s so important? Tell me what it is.” My
father turned away from fun and become grim.
“How long do you think you can live like this?”Grandma
asked.
“What are you trying to saying? What’s wrong with the
present life? I and my daughter were living a good life.”
“We’re not talking about what’s happening right now.
Tomorrow you will have a situation where you cannot do things
for her” his sister said.
“It will never happen. Today she has good things for her. I can
do tomorrow too. What are you trying to saying?”
“Vijay, you have a girl. Tomorrow you will have a situation
where you cannot do her things. Then you will need a wife.
That’s why we’re telling you this now.” The grandmother raised
the need.
“Oh, that’s the thing. That’s what everybody is trying to say.
So let me tell you one thing. I will grow my daughter alone, and
I will be able to do it myself. Whenever there is a situation I
cannot look at her things, think about it then. I do not want to
marry because of these things.”
He eagerly opposed the voice of the others who rose up
against him and tried to do it again and again.
“My son, I will tell you one thing. Things are not the same as
you think. This is a baby that needs to know a mother’s love and
endearments. Do not deny it yourself. And God will not forgive
you if you deny her fortune”.
The warmth of her mother’s words burnt her son’s mind. At
that moment he looked at me. He felt my face as a question
chip. It shook his conscience.
He was totally upset and moved away from there.
“Why do I feel like this? In my life another women instead
of Sofia! And to the position of my daughter’s mother. Oh God,
why did not anyone understand my condition? What should I do
now?”He said to himself.
“My son”
The call then gave a reassurance to him. He looked with little
hope.
“Mom”
She did not need much more than a moment to understand
her son’s discomfort and sorrow.
My father rushed and embraced his mother. It was comforting
to him. Grandmother sat over the bed. He sat near his mother’s
feet.
“After my divorce you were with your father. Do you know
how distressed I was when I remember you at that time? Even
though my daughter is with me, the other left lives without
knowing the mother’s love and care”.
Grandmother began to weep in memory of those things. He
held his mother’s feet firmly. The touch creates that the love of
his son does not diminish.
“When my daddy went to work, I always remembered you. I
always think if you’d been with me.” He said with pity.
“That’s what you are giving today to your daughter. And how
much pain she was feeling when you go to work. Are you sure
that you will not isolate her, even if it is unintentional? Today
she does not complain because she does not mature. But she
will ask you tomorrow? What answer will you have then? What’s
the guarantee that she will not question you for the luck of a
mother?”
The things he once experienced, Days of isolation and sorrow,
by thinking of his own experiences, he realized that Mom’s
words were meaningful.
He does not know what to do at that moment, he was
confused. The daughter’s face shone in his mind. Even if it cut
off the light in his eyes, it cleansed the thoughts more clearly.
“Mom, I’ll think about it, and then I will inform you” He said.
Those words and the downfall of the sound made her an
optimistic believer that this is the start of a new chapter.
“Vijay, I have been with you in all your decisions. When you
said you’d like a Christian girl, I told you that you were right. My
faith is that you will make the right decision in this matter too.”
Grandmother expressed the hope.
“Then come on Mom, we can go downstairs”.
And he came with her. After long talk, they all left there.
At that time, his thoughts were merely her mother’s words
and the face of her daughter. Suddenly, the touch on the body
seemed pulled him backwards.
“Daddy”
My father took me to his lap.
“Did you hear what your grandmother had said? Do you want
a mom? I do not know what to do.” He said with grief.
“So can I get a mother? Wow! If so, my mother will always be
with me, is not it? Dad, do you know one thing?
“What’s the matter?”
“When I see Appu’s mother in the next house, I feel like I
need a mother. Now I’m going to get a mother like that. Am I
right?”
The words that came from my tongue filled his eyes with
tears.
After coming to the downstairs, He called grandma at the
phone.
“Mom, this is me Vijay”
“Tell me Vijay”
“Then... Mom...” He is distracted.
“What’s wrong? Is Dwani has any illness?” Grandmother
asked with anxiety.
“She’s fine. Mom, I agree with what you say.”
“What is the matter? Do you say the matter of the wedding?”
Grandma asked.
“Yes Mom. After taking a lot of advice I made a decision that
I’m okay to do”. He said in a firm voice.
“I am so happy my child. I’ll tell that broker Damu. Okay, bye.
Convey my regards to Dwani”. She hanged the phone happily.
On the fourth day after the incident, Grandma called. My
father took the phone. But he said to Grand ma that he want to
marry a single mother.
The next day she called again. Dad took the phone.
“Vijay, I have seen a single mother. Do you have any problem
now?”
“No Mom. Let’s get there one day soon.”
“Ok dear”.
Then he came to me. “Your mother is about to arrive soon”.
“Yahoo…”I jumped in with joy.
He thought that everything would increase my joy. But he was
unable to understand that the emergence of a new relationship
was the setting of the daughter’s joy.
He was obliged to say that the woman, he was going to marry
should be a mother. So he married a single mother.
The person who has only came in front of me only in my
dreams, the love that I have not experienced in my life. It was
my myth of my understanding that I was going to experience
that love and affection for me.
He thought that the woman who had decided to marry was
given to his daughter, a mother’s love because that woman was
a mom. He did not even think in his dreams that his dreams and
thoughts could break the daughter’s life tomorrow.
She was a lady who considered the affinity of the relationships
in life only in the money scales. The reason for the consent and
approval of her marriage was not uncontaminated love, but
selfish policies.

FOUR
Even without considering the fact that I am a child, she
began to open the chapters of her cruelty, one by one. As the
father considers, the woman saw me not in her hearts at all, but
she saw me as a way of self-worth.
“I do not want you to eat like this.” My step mother began to
prepare the battlefield.
“I’m hungry, Mom”.
“Who is your Mom? I’m your stepmom. And I know that the
food is your desirability, but you do not have to eat it anymore.
Okay?”
She took the food that I was eating from my hand. Then the
food was thrown into the courtyard. I was very hungry at that
time; I looked at the food and wept there.
She started to open up the pages of cruelty to me. She was
looking at me as if she was looking at the prey without a lack of
response.
“Hey come here”. My step mom ordered.
“’What’s Mom?”
“I told you to come here.” She raised her voice slightly.
“Come here and clean this courtyard”. She said.
“What! Me?”
“If I told you, then someone else would come to do it? Do it
very quickly”.
“Why should I do this?” I asked.
“Are you questioning me? I…” It was her hand that finished
the conversation. She slapped me on my face.
“I will tell my Daddy about this”. I said with tears.
“Will you say? If you say your dad about this then you will
not see your father alive anymore. If you want your father, then
keep quiet.” Her exasperation made me silent.
Because of the fear that she will be able to do as she has said,
I kept silent.
The day of school admissions is tomorrow. So I was very
happy. I waited for my father to come back from the office.
Because it was the only moment I get the happiness.
“Daddy, you came. I was waiting for you.” I welcomed him
with great joy.
“Come here my daughter”. He took me to his shoulder.
“Now stay in my lap.” After sitting in the chair, he said.
“If I ask you something, will you tell the truth?”
“Yes, let’s ask daddy.”
“When I’m not here, does your mother hurt you?”
My eyes were filled when I heard this. “No Dad. She loves me
so much.”
I do not know whether he trusted the lie or because my eyes
told him the answer he needed, He covered me with his hands.
Hold on to my body, He thought where he had strayed.
“Oh my God, I am feeling like my legs stumbling. I cannot
consolidate my mind to anything. Somewhere ... Something is…”
He wanted to tell him something. However, a felony which he
did not find an answer put a knot in his throat. Somehow he
seemed to be bizarre.
He slowly closed his eyes.
Sunshine takes place in the sky and then they slowly began
to fall to earth. He made some decisions in his mind, decided
and fixed.
“Dad, do not we go to school today?”
“Today I have to do some essential things. We can go
tomorrow.”
“Okay, but you did not eat food.”
“I’ll eat from the hotel. I have an Urgent meeting in office
today.”
“Why you go without eating?” I asked again.
“I told you that I would eat from the outside.”
My face withered. I bowed my head. Dad came slowly to my
side.
“Is it sad? I’m just kidding you. Come on, let’s have some food
together.”
My smile woke up.
“Janaki, take some food for me and daddy to eat. Today, I
and Dad are going to have breakfast together.” After a long time
I laughed with the heart.
“My cute little doll, have sit here”. Daddy’s words filled with
love. My look turned to daddy. I slowly sat next to my father.
“Dad, if I need something from you, will you give me?”
“What do you want?” He asked.
“First you tell me whether you give me or not. And then I’ll
say that.”I said.
“Well, tell me what you want. Whatever it is, I will give it.”
“Will daddy feed me? Please Daddy. I want to eat with your
hands. Please…”
Daddy’s eyes were filled. “Come here, I will give you”.
His filled eyes began to shine through the love of the mind.
He started giving me food, and I ate it with greed.
He was so happy. He firmly fixed his mind that something of
what happened to him would never happen again.
“It’s enough. My belly was filled. Now you eat.” Suddenly I
saw that Mom is coming.
“Dad, I’m going” I ran away from there.
Mom went to my Daddy’s side. He understood the source of
fear that fell on my face.
The firm faith and the faith that stemmed up had been stirred
up for a while. For a moment, the resentment of conscience and
the past broke out of control. If a man with cold blood becomes
anger, then it will be beyond the thoughts.
“Do not think that I do not understand anything and I do not
see anything. I think that relationships are more valuable than
anything. I do not react to anything because I do not want to
ruin relationships.”
“What are you talking about? Her voice began to slow down”.
“That’s what I said. Do not think that I do not see anything.
When my patience ends, I will put an end to everything.”
His words terrified her. She was indignant and came to my
room.
“You…What did you say to him with this holly mouth of
yours?”
“I did not say anything.”
“Then why is he so angry at me? What is the present agitation
speech that has not yet been?” Her face became more reddish
with anger.
“I’m telling the truth. I have not said anything.” I started
trembling with fear.
“Did I not tell you that you should not cry in front of me?”
When the anger was warmed more, she struck me with her
hand and threw me into the floor. Then she went away from
there.
“Oh my God! Why are you doing this to me alone? What
sin have I done for this? I told her that I did not say anything
to Daddy, and then why still do not believe me?” I told all my
misery to God.
But as the Lord does not give ear to my sorrows, her cruelty
has erupted there.
It’s time for me to join school. But with my sentencing, it is
always closing its eyes on me. That is how God sometimes exists.
Life will be afflicts with a lot of trials. But he never leaves. God’s
invisible hands are always with us.
After coming back from the office, daddy called me and he
sat down with me.
“Come here my sweet heart”
“What daddy?”
“Come to my lap”.
I was very happy to sitting on his lap.
“You’re going to go to school tomorrow. You will have so many
friends there. But before that, you should tell me something.
Does your Mom hurt you?”
For a moment I stood out silently. But when her face and her
words were remembered;
“As I told you before, she liked me a lot. And why are you
asking this again and again?
“Do not lie. You will be very angry with me, are not you? I’ve
done all these things.”
With my fingers, I covered his mouth.
“No daddy. When I see others walking around with their
mother’s hand, I’m reminded that I do not have a mother. That
makes me very sad. But now I have a mother.”
Daddy did not say anything. He just embraced me. I fell
asleep because of the heat on his chest. Tears still remain in my
eyelashes.
“My God, what can I do to make my daughter happy?” He
slowly closed his eyes.
The next day the sun opened its eyes. But Daddy’s closed
eyes were not opened. He wanted my happiness the way to get
back and took my remaining happiness back and went back.
In this house, my only support, happiness, and everything, it
all ended. The cries of death and ceremonies after the death are
all over. I was lying on that burn out floor. On his chest, as if it
is. With that, the blackness was not only in my body but also to
spread through my life.
“Your father died. Let’s see who’s there to support you now.”
When the only man’s voice sounded to the soil, the woman’s
voice began to rise in the house. It wiped out my joyful voice.
The days have passed. And along with the last words and
dreams he gave me.

FIVE
In the morning I rushed to the front of the gate. Every child
was wearing a good uniform and going to school. I slowly touched
my eyes with my fingers, to check if my eyes tears through my
eyes. By that time Mom called. I ran to the inside.
“Girls should work at home. Two years have passed since the
funeral was taken from here. Yet the tears of the daughter of the
mourning dried up?”
Her hands were tied up on my wrist. Then she brought me to
the kitchen.
“You have to work here. Did you understand?” After she had
said she moved away.
Even Janaki’s eyes were filled with that. Janaki raised me up.
“Do not worry. Did you not eat anything yesterday?”
“Yesterday she did not give anything.”
“Come here my daughter, I will give you.”
She gave me something to eat. I ate it all. With that I became
a servant in that house. Maybe; my position must have been
below that. Because; she did not gave me any wages or benefits
for the maid.
Hearing the sound of the bell, I looked outside. That was a
lawyer. Mom welcomed him, with a smiley face.
“Oh, you came. You were watching the things of Vijay’s office.
That’s why I called you.” She was told with the same smile.
“Yes, I am.”
“Sit here.”
He sat down in the sofa in the welcome room. There is also
smile in his lips. Perhaps it may be due to the excesses of her
dignity.
“You did not say what the reason for calling me.” He asked.
“Anyway I’ll tell you why I called you. I’ve called you to know
Vijay’s wealth.”
“Yes, you are right. I am dealing with all the details of Sir’s
property.”
“Okay, as a wife, that property is now mine. So it is my
obligation to look the properties now.” It was the voice of greed.
“Sorry Madam, did not you know anything? The entire
property has divided.”
“Is that all right?” In her eyes the greed spread too.
“Yes madam, he has deposited some money for you and your
daughter.”
When he started his speech, she eagerly listened to the next
words of the lawyer.
“All his remaining property he has written on his daughter,
Dwani.”
Her eyes came out when she heard this.
“What! Is everything in her name?
“Yes”.
“How can that be? I am his wife. Is there nothing in the name
of mine and my daughter? Her voice raised in anger and dignity
decreased.
“What should I do? I said, as per the agreement signed by
Vijay. You can look these things until she gets mature.” He made
his point clear. After saying that, he left off there.
Daddy had predicted everything and made sure of my safety.
Sometimes when my tongue does not move, my moving eyes
should tell him everything. Sometimes, he would have thought
about my life after his death.
I am the offspring of the kitchen only because the entire
property is in my name. Or else I would become the offspring of
the street. For the first time in her eyes I switched from kitchen
position to a rich rival. The opponent who had owns her goals
and desires. All this provoked her anger.
The next morning I stood in front of the gate. My aged
children were going to school with their mother and friends.
“Dwani…”
After a long time, I heard that call. I am reminded of my name
right now in front of the mother’s euphemism. I lifted my head
and looked up.
“Dwani, do not you go to school?” One of the children who
went to school was asked.
“Her stepmother did not leave her to school. She is so cruel.”
The answer also came from that group.
“Do not you want to go to school?” Appu asked.
“Yes. But mom does not like it. I said.
“Damn.”
As soon as it was finished, Manu started pushing out from
behind.
“What’s the conversation from the way? Is not it the time to
go to school?”
Hearing the thick, familiar, men’s voice, they all looked back.
“Jose Uncle!” Appu called.
“We’re going to go to school. That’s when we saw Dwani, so
we were asking her that did she like to go to school?” Manu has
finished.
“Okay, now you go to school.” Jose Uncle ordered.
The children stopped asking questions and went away.
“Dwani, why did not you go to school?” Jose uncle asked.
“Mom will not let me go to school.” My eyes were filled.
“No, no need to ask.” My mind was filled with trepidation.
“Why” He asked.
“If you go and ask her about this, she will give me a quarrel.
And then she will beat me. So do not ask her about it.”
“Don’t worry. Now, I’ll go. But I will ask her about this.”
My eyes were not filled with joy, but I felt terrified. I’m
afraid to even see the dreams. Because; finally, when it was
discovered that all of these were just dreams, it killed a few days
of happiness and it will make the soul to mourn forever.
In the evening when I was busy working in the kitchen, I
heard the sound of the outer bell.
“If it’s Jose uncle, then Mom will kill me today”. I walked to
the hall. But then the Mom opened the door.
“Jose! Have you come to get fund for anything? If you came
for that, do not expect me to give you anything.”
“I’ll never get this way for the fund. I have come to talk to
you.”
“Then it is an essential thing. Come inside.”
“Are your children going to school?”
“Yes. But she is with her grandmother. Would you come to
ask this?”
“What about Dwani?”
“No”
“Is not she your daughter?
“Why are you looking for this? I will do what I like. Who are
you to ask me? Maybe I will nourish her, and sometimes I will kill
also. Only you should look at your matters. Do not interfere with
me.” She told him in anger.
“I do not care about you. But I will intervene in what you said.
We know you’re not sending her to school, and you’re harassing
her from here. If I complain against you then you will be in jail.”
Jose Uncle replied in a firm voice.
“Jose, why are you angry?”
“I just said that. Think about what to do. Make a decision.
That would be better for you.”
Jose uncle’s words hoisted her fear. Suddenly, her eyes fell
into me. I was afraid. She came to me in the lightning speed after
Jose Uncle went away.
“Do you tell others what’s going on here? Do you want to go
to school? I’ll show you. I know what to do. But you will have to
pay for it.” She reflected the whole angry in her questions.
“No. I have not said anything.”
“That’s good for you.”
I slowly moved into the kitchen. The night, Mom called me.
“What’s Mom?”
“Be ready tomorrow morning. We have to go for a place.”
“Where are we going?”
“Do you really need to know?”
“No, I will come with you.”
“Go from here.”
This is the first time that we have a conversation like this.
But this creates more fear. When the mind and the thought talk
more, then the speech of the tongue is reduced.

Mother and life are just the things I have heard. I was living
in accordance with the orders of those around me. Perhaps lived
and done.
My eyes started to sleep. Tiredness and sleep are holding on
to the head. When the weight of the head began to increase, I
poured it on the bed. Suddenly the person who gave me birth;
my mother was touched on my head. The touch of love removed
all my pain and fatigue from me.
Suddenly my mother started to be far from me. Some sound
in my ears penetrates like a spear. I woke up, and then in front
of me Mom. When the love of my mother has been vanish from
me, the other side of that coin.
“Work quickly and get ready.” Mom said.
“Okay Mom.”
I went to the kitchen and finished my job. I came back to my
room and put on my best clothes there. I had great joy in my
face. I am going to see the outer world after a long time. This is
the first time that Mom is taking me along. Soon I was ready and
came down.
“Come fast.”
We got up to the car. I enjoyed every view on the way. By
giving an end to the views, the car stopped in front of a large
building.
“Why have we come here?”
“Come quietly.”
We went to the room of the headmaster.
“Yeah, Come. Sit here. Is this the girl you are talking about?”
“Yes madam. This is.”
“Okay. What is your name?” The lady asked me.
“Tell me your name.” She asked again.
“Dwani” After looking back at the lady, I said.
“Nice name. Then okay. You have to pay the fees. Then send
to school from tomorrow.
“Okay madam”
I did not understand anything. Who is that lady? Why did she
bring me here? I asked myself. We returned home.

“Take this. This is your books and uniform. Tomorrow you
have to wear it to go to school. Did you understand?”
“What! Go to school? Did you join me in school?” I was
amazed.
“We went there to show her your face?” She asked me.
This is the first time that I am happy even when Mom has
become angry. My mind filled with joy when I learned that I
could learn like others. At that moment I said to God a thousand
times thank you.

SIX
I am about to go to the world of education and knowledge.
The beginning of fulfil my dreams. With joy, this gives me
confidence and hope too.
The next morning, I finished all my work quickly and got ready
to go to school. I was running outside with delight. Suddenly
my face expression changed. I slowly turned around and looked
back.
“Huh, there is no one there.” Hope in my face increased.
“I thought mom is there. If it was Mom, then everything
would have ended. If I see Jose Uncle, I’d like to thank him. Oh
God, Now I want to see Jose Uncle.” I said in my mind. And I
walked towards the gate as always. But today it’s for me.
“Appu look, Dwani.”
I heard the sound and everyone looked at me. Everyone was
shocked to see me wearing uniform.
“I was waiting for you guys.”
“Why were you wearing this uniform?” Where did you get
the uniform like ours?”Ebin asked.
“Mom yesterday added me to the school. Jose Uncle spoke to
Mom. That’s why Mom has joined me in school.” I told everyone.
“So now you can come to school, right?”
“Yes. Will you add me with you guys?”
“Sure. You’re our friend. So come on.”
The joy of endlessness arises in my mind. The vast world
outside the world of four walls, welcomed me.
“Do you know something? There is a mango tree in this way.
We can pick it up when we come back.” Appu said.
“Okay. But we will be late to return home. If I were late then
Mom will stop my studies.” I said.
“Oh God!” Appu put his hand on his head.
“Why are you so afraid? Let’s do one thing. There is a shortcut
through the way. When we come back we can come that way.
Okay?”Appu said.
“Okay. Then there is no problem.”
When I arrived at school, my body stuck in front of it. I
curiously looked around like a child looking curiously at the
substance in front of her, with holding her mother’s corner of
saree. When I heard the sound of the bell, I saw other children
entering the classroom.
So the world of education, built with the colours of knowledge
opened the windows before me. This is the world where I have
seen the great art called Knowledge, which has always nourished
my inquisitiveness. I told goodbye to the days that I had only
grieved grief with the tenderness of the gurus and the love of
friends.
I did not even dream in my dreams that I could get a school
life like everyone else. But this mysterious decision is raised to
me as a question chip. But I did not want to burn the happiness
that I’m having now with that thought and the fire of the fear.
Even though the storm is stirring up everywhere in my mind,
it could not able to defeat my resistance. Sometimes, the water
that can swallow the blazing fire would be able to prove the fire
about the energy of the fire.
In the evening I was coming back with Appu.
“Dwani, do you want mangoes?
“Yes. I want.”
“Then do one thing. I go up to the tree. You must collect
them all.”
He plucked a lot of mangoes and put it down. I’ve collected
everything according to his instructions.
“It’s enough. Now get down.” I said.
“Okay. I’m coming.” He came down. We started walking
together.
“How is it?” Appu asked.
“It was too tasty.”
“That’s what I said. You eat.”
“Do not you want?” I asked.
“No. You eat it. Put the rest in your bag. You may feel hungry
if you eat it. However, it is good to eat.” He said with a little
smile.
“Where are others? I asked.
“Today they told me they cannot come this way. So I told
them to go.”
“Do you feel bad because you cannot go with them?”I asked.
“Why? I’m not alone. You too are with me.”He replied.
I looked at him with a lot of joy.
“Okay. Let me go home. Mom will be waiting for me.”
“Okay. Do not forget to eat mango.”
“Okay.”
I got inside the house. For the first time, I was laughing with
the open heart. In the world that I thought was not my own,
today, I think someone has me. My eyes wounded because of
tears, and today it is enlarged, because of happiness.
The friends are really great walls. Whether we cross it, we can
see many other aspects of life. The aspect on the other side of
the wall depends on which direction of the wall we have chosen.
My heart began to dream. It may be a desire for life. Or desire
to live. Yes, I wanted to live for the first time today. When the
rain touches the earth, the earth will be filled with the smell of
the soil. And when I learned that somebody was there, my mind
was filled with love. Though my heart was wounded with my
mom’s words, but my friends have become medicines for that
wound.
But calamity is like a shadow with me. But the one that
comes through me is to call calamity or luck? Ambiguity! My
fate is always beyond my thoughts.
In the morning I get up and finish work and when I go to my
room, Mom calls.
“Did you do your work?” Mom asked.
“All my work is done.” I said in the sound of exhaustion.
“That’s not good.”
When she said that, she poured water on me from fish tank.
“What is this mom? I want to go to school.” I asked helplessly.
“If you want to go to school, you should clean it.”She said.
I missed a little while without knowing what to do. The smell
began to be intolerable. I ran to the outside. I opened the tap. I
took the water and began to pour it into the body.
Every water drop coincided with my tears and fell down to
the earth by creating a short relationship. The earth drank them
with greed. I cleaned my house with soap water. Then I ran to
the room.
Meanwhile, a lady came in search of my father and my family.
“Excuse me, Vijay’s home?” The lady asked a guy.
“Which Vijay? Do you have his address?” He asked.
“No. It is near to this place. He has a daughter.”
“There are two Vijay on this side, Dubai Vijay and our Vijay
sir. Are you looking for someone in this?”
She understood that she needed Vijay Sir from that question.
“I want to see Vijay Sir. Could you show me his house?”
“I’ll show you the house. But you cannot see the Vijay sir”
“Why? Is he not here? She asked impatiently.
“He is not in this world.” He said.
Suddenly the voice of the lady stumbled. The mind’s
confusions and the trapped thoughts were clear on her face.
“But there is his second wife and a child. And there is also a
child of the deceased wife.” He said.
A little bit of anxiety appeared on her face. She asked him to
enter in to the car because of the hurry to see someone else. He
asked her something, but she did not respond to anything.
“This is his home.” He pointed my home and said.
“Thank you so much.”She said.
They came down out of the car. To someone else in the car,
she said that he needed to stay there.
The lady opened the gate and came in. Mom opened the
door. The opulence caught on my mom’s eyes was encouraged
her to welcome that lady.
“I did not understand who you were.” Mom said to her.
“I... Do not have Vijay’s daughter here?” The question of her
mind and thought she broke the boundaries and broke out.
“Yes. But you did not say who you were.” Mom repeated the
question.
“My name is Rekha. I’ll tell you who I am. But before that are
you Vijay’s wife?”
“Yes.”
“I and Vijay do not know each other. But I know his wife,
Sophia. One minute. Where is her daughter? She asked again.
“Did you mean Dwani? She went to school.”
“Dwani! When will she come back?” She started searching
hurriedly.
“First, tell me why you came here.” Her face began to slightly
red.
“I came for my daughter. For Dwani.”
“She is your daughter! What did you mean by your daughter?
Dwani is the daughter of Sophia. So how is it possible?” Her
words totally messed my mom.
“I gave birth to her. Dhwani is my daughter.”
“How can I trust your words? Do you have any proof in your
hand?”
“I’ll tell you everything. Seven years ago, that is the day of
the delivery of Sophia. Sophia’s baby died on the same day.
Vijay was not there at that time. He was in New York. I was near
her and I gave birth to a girl the same day. She knew that the
baby was dead and it totally destroyed her. Vijay had bought
everything that a child needed. If Vijay knew of the news that
the baby was dead, it would have been deteriorating. She feared
on it and called me.
She begged me to give my baby for six months. I lost the first
child in the womb, so I could understand her mood. But how
shall I give my baby to her? Unexpectedly, Vijay reached the
hospital on that day. Sophia’s uncle went to the Vijay to block
him. But who can stop a father from seeing his baby? He came
to the room and he saw my baby in Sophia’s hand.
But the fate was testing me again. Sophia’s helplessness
caused me to give her the baby. But on the day of six months,
when I went to meet her I saw her funeral.” Her eyes filled.
“But these are stories that everyone can say. This story
cannot be proved that she is your daughter.”
“I will give you the proof.”She said.
She made a phone call. One man suddenly came into the
house.
“Divakaran Uncle” Mom called him intimately.
“Do you know him? The lady asked.
“Yes. This is Sofia’s Uncle. I have met him once. How did he
come with you here?” Mom asked in a shocked voice.
“He is here with me as Sophia’s uncle.”
“I do not understand.” Mom said.
“I told you that there was a witness to everything. This is my
evidence and my testimony. There is no greater evidence than
this.” Her voice gained a little more strength.
“Yes Mareena. She’s telling the truth. Because of our pathetic
condition, we have requested her to give us her baby. For six
months, it has been seven years now. If I do not correct that
mistake, then God will never forgive me.” He became a witness
to a pardon.
“Was Vijay aware of these things? Mom asked.
“Yes. I told him this. We thought everyone would accept this
relationship by a child. That’s why we did that.” He said.
“So, Dwani is your child.” Mom said.
“Yes. I want my daughter. Think of yourself from my place. I
cannot live without her anymore.”
But she thought about the father’s work, not the mother’s
grief.
“Prior to Vijay’s death, all his wealth was written in the name
of Dwani. That is why I agreed her to stay here. And if she goes,
all the properties will be in my hand.” After the monologue, the
lips began to move.
“Okay... Okay. Now she went to school. If you want to stay
here, stay. In the evening you can go. Dwani will come in the
evening.” Mum said brightly with the seven candlesticks on the
face.
I was listening to all of this from outside. And I went out
without caught on their eyes. I was thinking of the new mother.
The great man who loved me so much, was not it my dad? I’m
so excited to see that mother, is not my own? Sleep, I had only
a few nights. But was not that my mother touched me in those
nights that would impede my pains? I started to ask questions
to myself. With questions, my thoughts were being disturbed.
It swallowed me like a reticulated python that I could not even
do breathing.
I could not get my attention to the class, and nothing could
be done. Suddenly, the mind noticed in a sentence.
Mother is a truth. Others, what we find. But how can this be
correct? Okay, we have to find others. But in the world there are
many people who do not know the truth (mother). If it was true,
and best then the orphans like me would not have taken birth
in this world. Mother is the most beautiful relationship and the
feeling. But beauty cannot be believed.
If I go along with that mother to have an authenticity, I will
lose my friendship to say that the only thing I have my own. And
they saved me from destitution. But I will be saved from the
cruelty of mom. Oh my God! What shall I do now?
This news spread throughout my place. My father’s relatives
knew this news and did not react to anything. Maybe this may
be because I do not own them.
“First I lost my mother, Then my daddy, now... I do not know
if that could be said. Now I lost everyone. Why are you left me
alone? Take me too. I do not need anything at all. I want to die.
Death...”
After returning home, I was shocked at everyone. I wanted
to run away somewhere. But the mind did not allow me to run
away from destiny.
“Dwani...” This is the first time that Mom calls me my name.
I looked back.
When my looks came, there were two hands around me, that
woman claims to be my mother. Perhaps she would not allow
her patience. For the first time I was in love with a mother’s
love. She took her face from my shoulder. She gave me countless
kisses on my forehead and cheeks. I was totally upset, as my
hands are bound.
“My daughter...” She called me.
My hands are free now.
“Dwani, she is your mother.” Mom said enthusiastically.
The happiness on her face, because I got a mother? Or is
it the laughter of cruelty, like the smile leaping on the face of
the new generation when they pushed their old-age parents to
the old age home? Once again, the chance came into the new
mother.
“My dear daughter, I’m your mother. Call me mom. Please,
At least once?” She cried and pleaded to me. But this did not
diminish me. I turned my hands off and suddenly ran from there
and aimed at my room.
I got into the room and locked the door. Someone was calling
me from the back. I did not listen. I cried out loudly from the
room.
“God, what is this happening? My mom...” I closed my mouth
with hands. And yet my breathing was clearly visible to four
walls. I told my mind that I do not need a thousand times. But
it’s not allowed. I slowly withdrew my hands.
“Mom...” I called again with the respiration.
“Mom”
Unexpectedly, some mindset filled in my mind. Suddenly
someone started knocking on the door.
“Open the door.” It was mom. I opened the door.
“What? I told you that it is your mother. Then why did you
leave her hand and run to this room? Do not you have a sense
of how to behave with someone? Come with me.” She tightly
grabbed my hand and went into the living room.
“Dwani” My mother ran to me again
“She sees you for the first time. That’s why. And she is a little
child.” And mom made her peace. My mind was amazed at the
change.
“No problem. Will you come with me?” She asked. Mom was
looking at me.
“Yes” I replied.
She hugged me tightly. Today I am not afraid of Mom. I took
this decision only because my mind told me. Mom brought all
my things in a bag. Mother started to hurry up, so that she could
own me completely.
“One minute” I said.
Everyone looked at me with a startle.
“I’ll come now.”
“Where are you going now?” mom asked me.
“I... Let me tell to Janaki.”
“I’ll call her.”
“No. I’ll go there.” I blocked Mom.
“No matter, let’s go. Let’s sit here, Mareena.” mother said.
“Okay fine.” Mom agreed.
I moved from there. But first I ran to the room. I took that
diary from the bottom of the bed. I covered that photo with a
paper. I took my father’s chain and put it into my pocket. Next I
ran to the kitchen.
“Janaki...”
“Dwani”
“I’m going.”
“I knew it. What’s happening in your life? You suffered a lot
of trouble at this young age.”
“God gives me something better than everything.”
“Sure. Now you got your mother. Similarly, you will find all
the happiness.”
“Okay janaki. I’m going.”
“Okay. I pray for you. You must learn and attain a better
position.” I hugged janaki and ran outside. I went out of the gate
without seeing anyone. When I came to the grounds, I stopped
my legs from running. My eyes started searching for someone
without giving me a chance to breathe. My search ended at
halfway. The touch on my body persuaded me to look back. The
person I was looking for so long was standing before me.
“Appu!”
“Are you looking for me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“How did you come here?”
“I’ve come to see you. I went out home without seeing any
one.”
“I heard that someone had come.” He said in a low voice.
“She says she is my mother. I’m going with her.” I have said
sadly.
“You do not go anywhere. Why did you go with her? She will
not come until now. So why did she come now?” He was angry
with pity.
“I should go. But before that, take this.”
I took the chain from my pocket and put it into his hands.
“You just look at it when you remember me. I cannot stand
here anymore. I’m going.”
Suddenly he holds my hand. I looked back.
“Until home, I will come too”
“Okay” I’m consenting.
We held hands on each other and we ran.
“Bye. Let me go.”
“When you get new friends, will you forget me?” Appu asked.
“Never; whoever comes in my life, you are always my best
friend. Do you?”
“For me also you are the best friend.” I laughed at pleasure. I
slowly left his hands. I went in.
“Where were you going?” Mom forgot everything and
shouted.
“Me...I... for gave one book.” I was totally upset.
“Why do you scream like this? Do you talk to a young child in
this way? Mother was angry with her.
“You waited for so a while, that’s why I screamed.”
“She would have to ask someone.”
My mother supported me. This is the first time in my life
someone speaks for me in such a power. That too supported me
before Mom.
“Then okay. We are going.” She said.
“OK. See you later.”
We got into the car. Today I did not listen to Mom’s words.
I’m going from where I do not want to go back. I’m going to the
strangest people. My journey is with the expectation that the
misery has gone from my way.
My mom slowly holds me with my hands. I slept slowly.
Maybe because it’s obvious today, my ‘mother did not come in
the dreams. But today the dream has been fulfilled. Still, that
warmth is not enough to touch my heart
“Dwani, we have arrived.”
Someone suddenly started calling me.
“Mom, please do not beat me.” I was afraid.
“What about you? There is no one to beat you. You will have
dreamed.”
For a moment I did not understand anything. There is another
one instead of mom.
“Nothing.” I said.
I get down from the car. I reached to my new home. A small
house. A house, that does not fit for the grandeur and luxury
of Mom. But it was bigger than the four walls that made me a
labour.
“Come on my child. This is your home.”
This is where loneliness has been. I do not have father and
siblings? I leave the arrow against me. Still no answer! So I threw
it towards my mother.
“I do not have father and siblings? Am I single?
For a moment, she looked silently. She was silent.
“This is your room. You can keep your things here.”
I looked at her. What would she have answered herself to
the question I asked? If the human mind can be torn and then
penetrate into its inner circle and get the words that are born
there.
“Dwani...”
I looked again at her.
“I have only you. You are a part of my soul. I was imperfect
when you were away. Today I am perfect.”
I could not understand Mother’s words either due to the age
of maturity or because of having a lot of meanings for those
words.
I was sitting on my bed. I took my bag and opened it. The
photo I hid in my bag without seeing anyone. My dearest father
and my mother.
By removing the curtain, whoever passes, Whoever says it, It
does not matter. I am so grateful for the six months, I was weeping
and the milk covered by her little finger that she touched in my
tongue was the real Annapurneswari for me, and she is my real
mother. And He knew that I am not his own daughter but that
great man who loved me more than his life and everything in
this world , and that is my real dad.
SEVEN
I walked through the path of the rays that put on my face
through the open windows. They stand with half hidden face.
These are opening up new dimensions of my new life. This light
extinguishes the darkness in the mind. Tearing the loneliness,
the sound of the children in the next street reached my ears. I
quickly ran into the yard, then in to the next street.
I was looking for the group of people in the light of brightness
in my eyes by changing my curiosity into my eyes. In the end I
found them.
“Hello, who are you?” One of the blue cloths asked.
“I! That’s my home.”I replied.
“Oh! We asked because we did not see you before.” I spread
a little smile on my face.
“Do you want to play with us?” They asked in a single voice.
“Yes, Will you add me too?” I asked.
“We will. Come here.” One said, dressed in a red shirt.
“What is your name? The Muslim girl in the group asked.
“My name is Dwani.” I replied.
“My name is Ali.” The boy in the red shirt said.
So wearing blue shirt was Jithu and Muslim girl was Amina.
The group of three became four. They introduced me to a new
game.
We started playing. I heard a voice called Dwani, so I ran to
my house.
“Where were you going?” Mom asked.
“I went there to play.”
“I was afraid. That’s why I called you. If you want to play you
go and play.” Mom has shown a green signal.
“No.”
“Okay. Then come on. I’ll give you the food.” Mom said with
care.
I love all that food with greed. I did not think that it was the
taste of the hands or the taste of the food.
As the days pass, the relationship between us grew. It was
made with love and the bond of affection. Her joys and sorrows,
I saw it as mine. So I did not ask her any information about my
father. That’s a great example of that human being, Vijay, and
maybe God has always thought that my dad be in my mind. Just
as the patient likes it and the doctor has ordered it as if milk.
Mom added me to a convent school near my home. Since we
are only girls, our freedom is boundless. I was very happy as I
never experienced in life. Love and happiness were at great size.
The drink that we never said it’s enough, and the desire to take
sip again and again. The one and only pure healthiest drink in
the earth, that’s love.
But since my love seems somewhat diminished, I have a
guest who has not been invited to my life to love me. But his
mind was filled with unpleasant greed for me.
I got up early in the morning to go to school. The head ache
has not gone yet. In order to dissolve it through the fountain, I
called my mother and went into the bathroom.
When I caught my mother in my hand, I pulled my hand.
“What is this? Stay tuned.” “Mom strictly rebuked.
And again, when my mom took my left hand, I pulled my
hand.
“Alas! Do not hold there. I have pain there.” I cried.
“Pain! Show me your hand.”
She carefully observed my hand. Again she held my left hand
on the knees and I roared. I could not endure the pain. I began
to weep.
“What happened to you suddenly? Did you beat your hand
somewhere?”
“No mom.”
“Then what happened?”
“I do not know.”
“Let’s check after the bath.”
She just poured water on me. She called me back for
inspection.
“No mom. There is a lot of pain. Now do not look.”
“No. Show me your hand.”
Suddenly, she noticed a patch in my hand.
“What is this?” She asked.
“I do not know.”
“Have you seen this before?”
“No. I’m seeing this now.”
“Then quickly get ready. Let’s go to the hospital.”
“Is not it late for me to go to school?”
“I’ll be with you today at school.”
So we went to the hospital. The uniform saved me from the
long queues of the government hospital. We reached the kids
doctor.
“Today, when I took her left hand, she says that she has pain
there. She was not even allowed to touch me there. I see a white
patch in her hand.” Mom explained.
“Show me your hand.”
The doctor checked my hand.
“Do not be afraid. I’ll give you a pill. Then the pain will go. I’ll
give you a lotion. If it is applied then the patch will change. There
will be changes within three days. Come again next week.”
“Okay Doctor.”
We got out of that room and got out of the crowd in the
General Hospital. In fact, it is now possible to breathe. This line
and the congestion of here will never end. Sometimes this may
be because of the economic downturn or the miserliness of
man. It is our mere myth that the disease is the main role it
plays.
I again came to school carrying the weight of the education
on my shoulder. Days have passed away. But that patch does not
go. And whenever mom was bathing me, I began weeping too.
When I was lying at night, I noticed my hand. The white
colour has become red. The size of the pitch has increased. I go
to my mother’s room.
“Mom...”
“What’s wrong?”
“Look at this. It is increasing in size.”
“What doctor is he? Now go and sleep.... Tomorrow we can
see a dermatologist.”She said.
“Okay mom.” I got back to bed again. I felt an increase in the
weight of the head.
In the morning I again went to that busy hospital.
“If it does, it seems that I have to come here forever.” I angrily
said to me.
That was the time when Lakshmi Devi was in my tongue.
It was a lady doctor with a gentle voice.
“What happened?” She looked at me and asked.
“She had a patch in her hand. Now its size increases, and its
colour becomes harder.” My mom replied.
“Okay one minute. Show me your hand.”
I showed her my hand.
“Is there a patch similar to elsewhere?” Doctor asked.
“No. This is the only one. . She was not even allowed to touch
me on her left hand.”Mom said.
“Why?” The doctor looked at me.
“There is a lot of pain.”
“Show me.”
“No”
“Let me check.”
I showed my hand to her with fear. She touched my knee
with the corner of the finger and nails. I screamed.
“There is a lot of pain.”
“Do you have so much pain?”Doctor asked.
“Yes.”
I again witnessed pain. A drop of tear dropped out of my
eye and kissed my cheek. It gave me a little relief from my pain.
When our hearts are in pain, and when we think we are alone, a
tear drop will be born on the earth, and it will say that I’m with
you. In five minutes of life, it will hug us with snivel and kiss us
and dies by falling on the earth. So, each one of the tears are the
martyrs of love.
The doctor’s face is slightly sad.
“She needs to take a biopsy. You need to buy a glass blade.
Then go to the lab and give it. If you get the report please come
and visit me.” The doctor said seriously.
The doctor’s speech and expression frightened Mother.
“What is the problem doctor?” My mom asked with fear.
“Do not worry. Let’s look at the result” The doctor calmed
my mom.
We walked through the narrow path of the hospital to the
lab. A group of people who have expressed their protest by the
cough are on the right side of me. And on the left side, a nurse
pushes the syringe into the hands of one without any kind. Blood
rapidly entered the syringe and dropped two drops of blood to
the ground. Suddenly mom came and caught me in my hand.
“Come here.”
She took me to the same left side. All the syringes before
me were watching me. I felt like they were fighting each other,
saying I am...I am. They argued with me who had a turn to me,
and their size grew and also my fear.
“Sit here. I’m telling you”
“Eh?”
Suddenly I turned my head back. The syringes are all just like
old ones. I was scared when I was sitting in the chair, and that
was the arrival of the next guest in order to increase my fear.
The glass blade was the guest. My current fear is that they
would tear me through it. The nurse’s white clothes are suddenly
darkened. She became a devil in front of me. She picked the
skin on my patch, fingers and ears without any grudge. I was
perturbed with pain.
“It’s over. You must collect the result after a while.”
The darkness I saw in the nappy’s shirt is not actually in her
dress. But I realized that it was in her mind. Did she laugh even
once in her life?
After the test we went out. Then she went to school with me.
In the evening she is very sad in her face.
“What happened? Why are you sitting like this here?” I saw
her sad and I asked her.
“Nothing, come here.”
I looked at her face. The eyes are saturated.

“What happened? What is the test reported?”
“Nothing, it is said that your nerve is growing.”
“Why was that happening?”I asked.
“Because... The doctor told me that some people have a
similar effect. Let’s go to the hospital tomorrow.”
“Why are we always going to? Now I’m one of the late comers
of school. Tomorrow you should come to school. And then tell
my teachers about this.”
“Tomorrow I will come to school”
“Okay. I’m going to play.”
“No.” She is for the first time forbidding me.
“What is this mom? May I play?”
“No. Do not go. I told you, you are not well. That’s why I told
you, do not go.”
I was sad and subdued. Because that was the place where I
felt happiness. Today I lost it. My mother was the reason why I
lost my happiness and friendships, even if she did not aware of
that. My wings fall off again. Even If I try to fly away with artificial
wings, I cannot do it for long.

EIGHT
Today, the doctor prescribed some tablets. It was a white and
dark brown coloured on the orange board. There are essential
pills for a month, on a board. So we walked to school. When my
teacher saw her, she asked me to get in to the class.
“What is this? Why are you so late? For everyday you are
going to hospital?”
She squeaked when she heard the question.
“What is this? Why are you crying? Please let me know the
matter.”
She did not stop squeaking.
“Everyone read that poem. I’ll come now” The teacher told
everyone.
“You come with me.” Teacher told to mom.
The teacher set her in the chair outside the office.
“Now tell me.”
When the teacher calmed down my mother, she asked.
“My daughter is...” In her throat, the words are wilted. Her
throat stumbled.
“Dwani is? Tell me.”
“The doctor said that my daughter has leprosy.”
“What! Leprosy! But her hands and foot, and there is nothing
wrong?” The teacher astonishingly asked.
“Doctor said that this is starting stage. And she needs to take
continuous treatment. The rest of the things cannot be said.”
“Okay. Do not worry.”
“Please take care of my daughter.” She requested the teacher.
“Sure. I will take of her.” At the bravery of the teacher’s
words, she left.
The teacher came back to class.
“Dwani, Come here.”
I came out of the bench and went to her side.
“Teacher, why did you call me?
“Move to this side.”
She took a bench and desk and put it in front.
“Go and sit there.” Teacher commanded.
I did not understand anything. I sat alone in the bench. I did
not talk to anyone, and I was studying well, but why did the
teacher do it to me?
But the teacher did not punish me; On the contrary, it was
ordering an offensive. But without understanding, my mind
cried out loudly. I closed the door of my mind to all of them, so
that my soul was weary and weeping, and others would list to
listen.
I have become a regular visitor in the hospital. A week later,
my mother dropped me in school. When she remembered that
she forgot to give me the lunch box, she came back to class. And
seeing me being led solitude, her soul groaned.
She ran to the hospital. Her broken heart and the weeping
eyes were not able to see the impatient patients on the outside
of the door and other doctors in the inside of the room.
“Doctor, My daughter”
“What is this? Do not you have any manners? Do not you
know how to get into a room?” The other doctors asked her in
anger.
“No problem. Let her cry. You guys come back later.” She told
others.
“Doctor...”
“No matter. You just talk to me when you feel like you can
talk. You do not have to think about others.”
After some time, my ‘mother started talking.
“Before one week I told Dwani’s class teacher about her
disease. Today I went to her class. Then she was sitting alone in a
corner of the class. She is isolating my daughter. When I saw that
I was not able to tolerate with that.”She began to weep again.
“Do not cry. Wait a minute.”
The doctor wrote something on a paper.
“Give this to the teacher. Then tell her to come here.” The
doctor told her in a firm voice. That voice sounded her courage.
“Okay doctor.”
She took the paper and came to school.
“Teacher” mom called.
“Yes. What is the matter? Teacher asked.
“The doctor sent me to give it to you. She told you to come
and see her.”
“What is this?”
She read the paper. She began to panic.
“I will come.” The teacher went with her to the hospital.
“Doctor”
“Yes. Is this her teacher?”
“Yes doctor.” Mom answered.
“What did you do to her? Do not you see that she is a seven-
year-old child? Only the disease caught in your eyes.” The doctor
became angry.
“In order to prevent other children from being infected, I did
that.”
“What are you saying? What is the basis for it? As a doctor
I can say. If the treatment starts then this disease will not be
transferred to another person from that person. Even This
disease cannot be transmitted through a sexual relationship or
from a pregnant woman to baby in a uterus. So tell me how can
you do this?”
The teacher was silent on all this.
“I thought...This disease...” She swallowed her words
intelligently.
“What’s wrong with this disease? Is this a crime she is
responsible for? Not because of her mistake she got this illness.
Then what’s the problem? If it is your intention to show her
departure, I will have to take action against you.” The doctor told
her a little bit harder.
“I will allow her to sit with the others.” The teacher changed
her stand.
“Then one more thing. Educators must do not try to become
a doctor.” Doctor said.
The teacher returned from there.
“Thank you very much doctor.”
I came back to my old place. I did not find any reason for this
change on my teacher. But my mind rejoiced when I could sit
down with everyone again.
In the evening, I hugged my mom with lot of pleasure.
“What are you doing? Leave me.” Mom said with angry.
She took my hand around her waist.
“What is this mom? I do not have the right to hug you when
I’m happy?”
“I do not like that.”
I became sad.
“Okay, leave this matter. What’s the name of my disease?”I
asked.
“It has no name.”
“Is there a disease without a name? Everything has a name.
So, Tell me the name of my illness.”
“The name is Leprosy. That is the name.”
“Leprosy!”
“Do not say this to anyone.”
“Why?”
“Nothing. Wash your hands and have some food.”
Leprosy...leprosy...leprosy... For the first time I heard the
word and I started to chant it. Without knowing it’s seriousness.

NINE
Years have passed. I was reading the book of Moral
Science. The teacher had told us to read the story. A drop of
tear dropped off the ground from my eyes. If you read the story
with sincere dedication, then the reader’s eyes will be filled with
despondence. But my eyes are not filled because of the depth
of that story.
The essence of the story was this. When a mother who had
leprosy died, her son had been build a hospital. I’ve read this
name somewhere. I took the book My Story of Kamala Suraiya
in my bag. She mentioned the famous English writer Aubrey
Menen’s words in it. I just read that after a taking a deep breath.
“Aubrey Menen said that the leprosy patients in India should
be shot. If not, foreigners will not come into our country. And we
do not get foreign money.
My throat is dried up. My eyes overwhelmed beyond the
control. Suddenly the bell ranged. They all went to eat food.
“Asha...”
“Yes. What happened? Why are you so sad?”
“Do you want to know the name of my illness?”
“Yes. I want to know.”
“Lep...leprosy.”
“What!” She was shocked, and went a step further.
I was horrified.
“What did you say! You are kidding me, right?”
“Yes.”
She took a long breath.
“Come on, Let us eat.” She said
“Hm.”
I was petrified of what I saw in her face for a minute. The
distance that she kept from was totally wrecked me. Slowly, my
illness began to be my biggest enemy.
But that was just a beginning. After that academic year, she
left the school. The strong friendship and my faith that I thought
was among us was collapsed like a palace made of cards. So I
decided in my mind that I do not lose any relationships because
of this enemy of mine. I never want to use this enemy’s name
with my tongue in front of any one that I do not even want to
remember. I took strong consensus in my mind.
My ailment has been brought darkness in my mind, and so my
body also taken it. Each day that passes, my body started to be
more and more dark. It is similar to the colour of the millipede.
As well as increased my abhorrence. I really became an object of
ridicule before my friends and fate.
Today the door of the doctor’s room has been opened, and
my face faded. There is another person instead of my doctor. He
welcomed me with a pleasant smile.
“Where was the doctor who was here before?” mom asked
to him.
“She received the transfer.”
“And then what will we do?” “The mother was fretted.
“What’s the matter? Tell me what your illness. I’m also a
doctor. He said with the same smile.
“Doctor... She has leprosy.”
“Oh. Give me prescription. You can sit here. Give her your
bag.”
I sat there with a smile. The incandescence of his eyes was
reflecting on his face. He was appealing to me in that moment.
“Daughter, what is your name?”
“Dwani”
“Wow! Nice name. Do you know what my name is?”
“No. What is your name?”
Thomas. Thomas Godrics.”
“Your name is good too.”
“You’re so smart.”
And so I became dear to him.
“Come here on every Fridays.”Doctor said.
“Is it curable?” She also expressed her doubts.
“Let’s try.”He said with holding on my cheek.
I started to wait for every Friday.
One day he told me about a medical camp.
“Tomorrow there are doctors from many parts of the country.
Anyway, tomorrow I’ll be on one of them. So, we can consult
them tomorrow. We should never get a chance like this. So, we
cannot miss this chance. There is no change for her pain. So let
us consider their opinion.” He said his opinion.
“Okay doctor. What time is it for tomorrow?”Mom asked.
“You must come to the eleven.”
“Okay doctor.”
And at night I lay down with my mom.
“It was enough to say that tomorrow, everything was cured.”
Mom said.
“Mom”
“Tell. What’s your new doubt?”
“I had a doubt. But now there is no doubt. I found the answer
to that.”
“What is your greatest discovery?”
“The name of my illness.”
“What!” She was astonishingly asked.
“I have leprosy, right?”
“No. Who told you this?” She looked at me with despondent.
“You do not lie. Even if you hide what you do, I will definitely
come to know it. I do not lie to you. So do not lie to me.”
“You should not tell this to anyone.”
“I will not say. You should not tell this to anyone.”
“Whom should I tell?”
“Did not you tell my teacher? I know that. That’s why
she isolated me. But I have no problem. Do not worry about
anything. You sleep.”
My mind began to gain more strength. I have matured over
my age.
“I’m talking about this girl.” My doctor introduced me to all
the people there.
“Her name is Dhwani. She was ten years old. The disease
diagnosed when she was seven years old. The patch is on the
left hand. Her ulnar nerve has very thickness and tenderness.
She completed the course of MDT. But, yet these problems are
increasing.” Doctor explained.
“Okay. Dwani, show me your hand baby.”
“Hold it softly. Please.”
“Sure.”
While there, another doctor took hold of my hand. He was
stuck in my vein, I roared.
“It has very thickened.”
Each one examined me.
“This is too much. I have never seen such a thickness in any
one yet.”
“Yeah you were right.” Everyone agreed with that comment.
By this time I was suffering the whole pain.
“You have a lot of pain. Is it?” Dr. Thomas asked me.
“No problem.” I said.
“Do you know something? she is very smart, in speech, study
and in everything. She will become an IAS officer.” The doctor
contentedly told everyone.
I do not want to be a IAS officer. I want to become a lovely
doctor, like you. I whispered in my mind.
“You go to my room. I’ll come there.” He said.
“Okay doctor.”
I went to his room with my mom. After a while he came to
the room. His face is disquieted. That ignited a bit of fear on my
chest.
“Doctor, what happened? My mom asked panicky.
“The nerve in her hand is growing. Because she’s a little kid
we thought we could cure this problem through the tablets.
But...” The doctor did not get any words.
“Now what’s the problem?
“Her body does not respond to the pills. Therefore, we
cannot stop the growth of the nerve in the wrist. So, there is no
way other than surgery.” The doctor looked at me with misery.
“And there is no way other than operation?”
“No. We have tried our best yet. But if it goes like this, it
affects her fingers.”
“When is the operation?” mom asked to the doctor.
“Here you do not have to be directed anywhere. You have to
go to Chennai.”
“Chennai!” She was astounded.
“Yes. But do not worry. I was studied at there. They will be
given all of the things in a good way. The hospital is located
in Chengalpettu, Chennai. This is a hospital of the central
government. So don not be worry about money. I’ll give you the
address and the refer letter.”
I heard all that he said with astonishment.
“You do not worry baby.” He placed his hand on my head and
said
“No doctor”
After leaving, we got down from there. For a new journey, to
a place where I have not heard yet.

TEN
Five o’clock in the morning the train arrived at the last
station, Chennai. We got out of the train. I looked around.
Trains have been suspended with bogies without a dead end.
This place became congusted by people. Everyone was busy and
rushing. Each of them has their feet faster than the moment pin
on the clock.
All counters are open without leaving one. The crowd were
standing in front of the counters with the somnolence sleep and
half opened eyes. Dispensary glasses filled with tea in everyone’s
hands. Let’s say, everyone drinks refreshment.
I was scandalized at seeing this railway station. We walked out
slowly. Finding the way out was quite difficult. Each taxi driver
and auto driver came to us in the countenance of a familiar face.
We walked to the road.
“Uncle, Chengalpettu?”
I am going to a place where the language is not even known...
“To chengalpettu, see the steps there? There is a way when
you get down to the other side. Walking through it, you will
reach the Beach Railway station. From there you will have a train
to go there.”
“Thank you, uncle.”
We walked as he said. From there we got another train. The
train ran up to twenty seven stations, finally, We reached our
destination. Here I was welcomed by the endless river and the
great migratory birds. After eating uzhunnuvada and tea, we
walked again.
“Uncle, will you go to Thirumani?”
I asked a rickshaw driver who was there.
“Do you want to go to the hospital?
“Yes.”
“Then get in.”
Rickshaw stopped after six kilometres. It was the opposite of
all my expectations. It does not have any salient features of the
hospital. There are no rush, foot sounds, or faces made of tears.
This place was quite calm. A village without huge buildings. I
slowly moved towards the gate.
I looked at the first building. The Central Leprosy Teaching and
Research Institute was written on a large board and grafted onto
the wall. I walked on the left side of the road. This hospital is one
of the contribution that given return to us when the British took
away all of our own from us. All the exaltation still has its place.
“Excuse me, where is the OP? I asked a stranger who stood
before me.
“Are you malayalee?
“Yes.”
“This is OP” He replied brightly.
“Thank you, uncle.”
We entered the inside.
“Sit down.”” A doctor who was sitting there told me.
“We are from kerala. This letter was given to you by the
doctor.
“Give me that.” He took it from my hand.
“Okay. Let me show your hand.” He told me after reading the
letter completely.
“Aww!”
“Oh! Do you have such pain? Do not worry. This pain will go
away after surgery.”
“Hm.” I smiled with a bit of consolation.
“They should be taken to the counter and register. Then you
take them to the ward of women.” He told an old man there.
The old man did not wear uniform. He is not an attendant.
But he is a worker here. When he received the papers, I noticed
his hands then his feet. He is another slave of the same disease. I
did not feel sympathy for him. Because, I do not want it from any
one. My name established in OP. We took that file and walked to
the ward, a distance of about five hundred meters from the OP.
The ward of the women on the left side and the ward of men
on the right. In the middle of these two, a large office room. We
got into that room. Three nurses like angels. After seeing them,
everyone will say that nurses are angels. The smile of the lips
was all on their faces and lips.
“Come inside.”
“This is the new patient.” The old man who were with us said.
“Of these, who is the patient?”
“I am.”
Their attention turned to me completely.
“You! You are so beautiful.” By the time she begun to be sad,
she said with a smile recovered.
“Thank you.” I smiled.
“Come with me.” the nurse attendant said.
We went inside the ward. But here, the view that was waiting
for me was not a gratification to the soul.
A lot of people who do not even have a look, beauty and face.
They have been fined and lost their limbs. They have even lost
their identity. My eyes were filled with tears. My fingers drank
the tears without seeing others. Each one’s eyes welcomed me
with deep affection. Besides being a hospital, something else
came to my mind. It’s not just the society that calls this place,
the prison fortified by nature.
I thank God, for not having any symptoms of this disease in
my body.
So my name is added to a list of 10,000 people. I became
their daughter, granddaughter and sister. Pooja- a twelve year
old girl, Nagavalli and Sharanya-20 years old, and my dearest
Motta akka- forty years old. And all the other were sixty years
old. I was the youngest of them, and so I stolen their hearts.
So the day of operation came. March twenty two. I sat in the
wheel chair with wearing a blue dress and hand stockings. The
nurse attendant pushed my wheel chair from back. We reached
the Operation Theatre. My heart beats were increasing. My
hands waved sweat. I hold my mom’s hands tightly. The wheel
chair moved forward. The hands that were caught are separated.
Many doors have been removed by the silence. In the end I came
to the theatre.
Everyone has been ready for operation. They laid me up slowly
in bed. Ummen Doctor, Malayalee is headed by Operation. My
throat dried up because of fear.
“Water.”
“What?”
“I need water.”
They gave me cold water that was cooled in the air
conditioner’s cooling activity. I drank that. They had turned my
face to the right, and then hid my left face with a green napkin.
They first put anaesthesia in the nerve that hurting me. I cried
to all gods because of the pain.
They cut my hand at the illusion that I was crying because
of natural fears of injection and operation. My left hand was
completely paralysed. Without being able to move, I was
whimpered on the couch because of pain. They did not know
my helplessness, so they kept cutting my hands more deeply.
Suddenly, they began to realize. They set up a theatre
assistant to make me feel tranquil. They sent him to me to talk
to me until the operation was complete.
He wore glasses. Naturally his eyes should be in my hands. I
guessed it. Then there must be a reflection. I looked in the inner
side of his glass. My hand submerged in blood!
“Blood!” I have spoken out loud.
“No. There is no blood.”Ummen doctor said.
“Yes. You’re doing something on my hand with scissors.”
“No. Nothing like that.” He argued again.
“I can see that.” And my words awakened his mind.
“You’re so naughty! You come here. She sees everything in
the glasses.” He said.
Because of their pathetic situation, they cut my hand back
and stitched it. I’m very much fatigued. I was shifted to the ward,
while I was slightly slept. The next morning I woke up with my
consciousness. When I searched for Mom, she was not there
anywhere.
“Where is my mom?”
“I don’t know. Tell me if you want something.” Sharanya
asked.
“Nothing”
At that time a beautiful old woman walked in front of me.
One of her leg was artificial. There are no other problems in her
body in sight.
“Aunt, who is she?”
“She is mallika.”
“Is she a relative of Sharanya?”
“No. She will come here incessantly, to see those who are
here. She is very kind and loving. She lives in a hospital block.”
“Block?”
“That is the place of residence behind the hospital.”
Mallika aunty was sitting closer to Sharanya. Suddenly I was
caught up in her attention.
“Who’s that?”
“She is Dwani, our little sister”. Sharanya replied.
Both of them came to me. They spent a lot of time playing
with me and talking to me.
“Aunty, what happened to your leg?”
“It is lost in an accident.”
“Oh my god!”
“Do not worry. That’s been many years ago. There is no
problem now.”
So twenty-one days of rest after the operation, I returned
home. After the vacation, I started going back to school. The
dark colour given by the drugs has begun to dim a little out of
the body.

ELEVEN
In the evening I went to the next street. I heard the voice of
my mom in my ears and returned.
“What mom?”
“I have to talk to you.” She said seriously.
“Okay. Tell me.”
“Get inside.”
I went inside. Her face was telling me that she was going to
talk to me about very serious things. She is going to talk to me
after considering and resolving that on her mind.
“I know that what I’m going to tell you will break your heart.
But now you have maturity and intelligence to understand all
this. That is why I decided to tell you about these things even
after considering the outcome of these things.”
I was totally silent. Generally speaking, I love to talk, but I
didn’t talk anything. I gave my consent through the way to shake
my head slowly.
“Do you want to know who your father is? I know that you do
not want to bother me. That is why you did not ask me about it
after that day.”
The curiousness was born in my mind. The arrow I once
threw has reached the target position.
“Before that you should know about me.”
“Tell me mom.” My heartbeat got worse.
“Your mother was a prostitute.”
I was astonished. I prayed to all gods and made sure my heart,
so that it would be the fault of my ear. But my eyes refused to
do it. It was bursting.
“Yes. I know this is something that you can never accept. But
this is the truth. I was a prostitute. My prostitution was presented
you to me. Many people came to us. With many different needs.
They were living in many fields. Everyone costs our body. No one
is trying to get a price by adding the mind too. Your father was
one of those. Once the darkness falls in the room, they are all
equal to us. If the seeds of any one of them may sprout in our
womb; we can tell exactly who is responsible for that. Do you
want to know the name of your father?”
I did not react at this time. My eyes are still spilling. I do not
know who he is, but I am sure that it is my detestation.
“You thought Vijay is your adoptive father. But it’s wrong. He
was your real father.”
“What!”
Before my throat had knotted, my voice jumped out of the
way. I felt like the soul in my limbs went away from my body.
“Your father has come after your father’s wedding. A mother
cannot leave her own child in this world. And yet I gave you up
and thought that you will be with your father. It is because I
realized that Sofia was better than me in your mother’s position.
But when I first met her in the hospital, I did not know that she
was his wife. When I saw his photo in her hand, I understood
everything and gave you to her.”
The great man I loved most in my life became nothing in front
of me. When I knew he was not my father, I did not get him out
of my mind. But when I learned about my father today, I hated
him. I removed him from my mind and also my beliefs.
She suddenly cried at my feet.
“My dear daughter, please forgive me. I know that I am a
sinner. But I have cleansed the sin for you. This is my mother’s
role as a solution to all the wrongs I’ve done. Please forgive to
your mom.”
“What are you doing?” I took her and stood up.
“You have been a mistake. But you did confess it all. Then it’s
all over. Do not cry anymore.”
“My dear, Will you be forgiven me?”
“Yes. I will. I’m not angry with you.”
She hugged me tightly. I did not feel any other than tell her
that I had forgiven her. Because my mother not deserves my
hatred, but my father is.
Suddenly the past begun to be fade. I felt so much pain on
my body.
TWELVE
The body could not endure pain. The pain I have not yet
experienced in my life. My heart beat slowly decreased. I
still cannot breathe. I’m still crying for myself for a breath.
Compassion and kindness are in everyone’s eyes. Their face
becomes tender. Yes; this is death! My soul wrapped in my body
and is it ready for it?
Death is an uncanny visitor. Even my body is ready for it today,
But, I do not want to visit him. And I’m afraid of meeting him.
But sometimes I love the same fear. And I preferred to meet.
Even though I’m afraid of that unwanted visitor, but I want to be
far away from this world. Like, fear of the dark and the desire to
get out of the light.
I know the truth. It stands bare in front of me. Today or
another time, I will meet him. That death will start loving me on
that day. That will hurt my body more than anything else.
It is not known whether or not someone will snatch me
from him or because of his fears or because of his selfishness.
But sure, he will take me to a place where no one has seen me
within a moment. Once I belong to the anonymous visitor who
creates a fear in me. Those who do not think of me today and do
not want to spend time with me will realize my absence on that
day. And they will recognize my love.
That recognition will become a tear and it will cling their
cheeks. Some realisations are like that. They will only be able to
create tears.
Tears have been generated in the eyes of doctors. They
connected me to the artificial lungs. I felt like a bunch of thorns
thrown into my body by their touch.
Suddenly, my body rose from the bed with scream, and with
a long breath. My eyes stared. The body hair in every where
stands up. My heart expelled the blood with the power of force.
My body has overcome the condemned death and fate. My
soul, which was with me from the time God created my embryo,
stirred me to hold it tight. But it is not for the farewell. It was
delighted to have my life back.
In doctor’s faces, I saw the joy of success in their attempt. My
life is the result of sincerity and fellowship of the effort, despite
knowing that it is out of control. If the desire is steadfast and
the dream you are dreaming of then the victory will be in your
hands. The best example for that is my heart beats. I slowly
closed my eyes. Heart and body are normal.
After a while I opened my eyes.
“Water... I need some water.” I told Jesse sitting on the chair
at my left side.
“I cannot give you water now. I will give you your lips wet.”
She took cotton and dipped it in water. Then she put it on
my withered lips. It made me feel cool for my shrivel throat. The
entire team of doctors came in.
“You naughty, you dreaded us.” Doctor said. The fear in his
eyes is not completely gone.
They took a blanket and covered my body. I was placed in a
structure and taken to the ward. I saw their dampness eyes. The
tears on the cheek are still wet.
I arrived back home after a few days. The pain continued. But
my illness is still in my inside without showing the face to the
outside world. For many years...

THIRTEEN
Today’s day has many specialities. The day was given a lot
of joy and sadness. It’s been eleven years today. It was the day
when I lost my companion who stood up with me in all my grief
and the day I got my mother back.
But human beings are always trying to see sorrow. Even they
want to be happy. I withdrew my hand from the book page, in
order to prevent the birth of the letters. Suddenly, I heard the
sound of someone opening the door to my room.
A mid aged stranger is entering to my room.
“Who are you?”
Why do you making noise? You’re too afraid because this is
the first time. Come here and sit here.”
“What you mean by first time? Who are you? If you come to
see mom then just wait outside.” I said with panic.
“Will I come here if I want to meet her? I came here to see
you in detail. The meeting for that took place in the next room.”
While gently speaking; his white hairs that hid in his eyebrows
stood up to the outside. His eyes began to gently change to the
character of the eagle. It kept coming back to me with the need
to get my body pierced.
“Mom...” I screamed with afraid.
But no one heard it. My body began to sweat. The throat
drank the entire saliva even without leaving one drop of them. I
knew that there was no other way left in me than having roared
loudly.
“Mom...Help me...Mom...” I roared.
The bad smell of drunken alcohol came out of him. Suddenly
one light came into the room. The gate of my salvation was
opened before me. After wiping the weeping eyes with hands, I
looked outside.
“Mom...” I moved my tired tongue. My eyes tried to cry and
lips tried to smile. The walls could be able to hear my heart
beats.
The relief in my eyes became fright. I could not find any
fear in her face. Instead, her eyes seem to have changed to
the nature of the eagle. My attention turned to her hands. The
money in her hand and the cruelty in her lips on me, all of them
said everything to me without leaving a single letter.
She slowly closed the door. The voice that I thought was my
helping hand is now left alone in the darkness. I’m not even able
to cry. I was stunned there, because, I could not able to accept
the devil inside her.
Seeing the dramatization of the fate, all four walls wept over.
The walls were used to sharpened their eyes and ears in order to
hear the story of the tears that we tied in the room. If the voice
of man gave to the four walls in a room; No one was going to be
isolated.
He came close to me. He targeted my bosom. His hands are
near my breast. Suddenly, my hands gained power. Within a
moment, I took the glass on the table and struck his head with
that. The crystal pieces fell into the ground. Mom heard the
voice and ran to the room.
“You bitch, what have you done?”
I ran out of there. The only way to get out of this was to run a
long distance from here. I ran without knowing which direction
I should take. Suddenly someone was hit in front of, and I fell
down.
“Oh! I am sorry. Are you fine?” He asked me.
I looked into his eyes with a never-ending panic, to know
the nature of those eyes. My eyes began to decline slowly. I fell
down at his hands.
The water that fell on my face awakened my consciousness.
Some are standing around me. He was grateful to them and
thanked them. There was something in my hand. I looked at my
hands
“Appu!”
“Yes. How do you know my name?”
He asked me. I clasped him close to me and i cried loudly.
“Hei, what happened?”

“Appu...” And I stretched out my hand toward him.
“dw...Dwani...”
He recognized his childhood friend. He had embrassed me
tightly.
“How long is it since I saw you dude. Do you remember
where we are now? Get up, we can sit there.
He held my hands. We moved to a remote place.
“Dwani, do you have any problem? When I look at your face,
you seem to be afraid of something.”
I cried again.
“What happened to you dude? Tell me.”
I explained everything to him. A tear dropped from his eyes.
“My second mother was better than her. She did not have
a value for me. I thought i was very valuable to my mom. But, I
realized now that the price was only for my body.”
“Do not cry. Where do you go now?” He asked.
“I have no place to go. Everything has ended.” It was a voice
of vexation.
“No dude. There will be a way to do something.” And he
sought to make me free from these problems.
“To go...I...Will you do me a favour?”
“Sure. I will. Tell me.”
“Can you take me to Chennai? Please.”
“Is that necessary? There you are alone...”
“Where else can I go?” And loneliness, I was always alone in
my life. And I’m still alone in life.”
“If this is your decision, let’s go today.”
“Sure?” I was very happy with that.
He hold my hand tightly. For me, God has sent my friend
to me after a long time in the position of the Saviour, quite
unexpectedly.
I’m going to start my life again from where I felt that all
expectations of my life had gone down. If man is able to survive
beyond collapse; it is only because of one thing. There is
something remains to love or to be loved.

FOURTEEN
I have come to Chennai with my friendship and self-esteem to
tell you the only things remains to be my own. Life has changed
in just moments. Assessing whether an event is the start or end
of your life is just a moment that you taken to think about.
In all aspects, it was a decision that I have taken without
thinking about the consequences. My journey and my new life
are the results of it all. For this decision I was not compelled.
This was inevitable. Changes are good and sometimes they are
also essential.
In the way forward, I need to keep myself without a mistake.
Whatever happens to anyone in life, people will say that it is the
fate. And they will also have sympathy. If such a disaster occurs
in my life, people would persuade to say that I have gone astray.
Only because of my intimate desire for life and do not give up.
But I’m not afraid of that. Because; I am not their slave. What
will the other person talk about us, or since the moment we are
starting to give our ears to the assessment of another person,
we will begin to be their slave. We always say about migratory
birds that they can fly with all the freedom to go wherever they
want. But the traps and snares await them along the way they
fly. But they have never refused to fly because of fear. So, do I
need to cut my wings?
My life is like the ocean in front of me. I have to go through
this life without fearing the waves that come to swallow me.
Rickshaw stopped in front of the hospital.
“Is this place?”Appu asked.
“Yes.”I replied.
We walked forward.
“There is no one there”. He was astounded.
“I told you, it’s not like a place you think.”
We walked through the main gate.
“You stand here. I want to see the director.”
He shook his head.
I walked to the room of the director. I knocked on the door
of the room.
“Yes, Come in.”
I got permission from the inside. I went in.
“Hey Dwani... Sit here.” He welcomed me with delight.
“How are you? Where is your mom?”
Both questions made me uncomfortable.
“May I stay here in a block?”
“Block! What happened?” He inquired about the matter.
“I decided to stay here.”
“What happened to your mom? Tell me the exact reason.”
“Because of this illness she said that she does not need me.”
“What about before?”
“She thought this is curable. Last time she asked about my
current condition to the Doctors. And he also asked about
relapse. She said she can no longer care for me. She is afraid
that if the illness will be visible in my body, then everyone will
isolate her.”
“What an awkward thought! Is she a ‘mother’? You have so
many people here. For them, you are their life. So do not bother
about anything. You can stay here.”
“Thank you, sir. May I go?”
“Okay you can. And one more thing. The thing is not that you
look at life very optimistically. The thing is after seeing the most
cruel face of life, we are constantly moving forward with life.”
His words were a new inspiration for me. I came out of the
room.
“What did he said? He asked with anxiety.
“He allowed me to stay here.”
“From now on you will be here, is it? I was so happy when I
saw you yesterday. I kept the chain like a treasure. When it was
with me I felt like you were with me. Now I got you back. But I
have to leave you here alone. What a fate!” He cried.
“No. Nothing like that. This place is for us. Everyone here has
lost everything in their lifetime. Without abomination, just laugh
at them, one is enough, and then they will be ready to give you
even their lives. When people say that our life is the same as
hell, it is a heaven for us to have someone to love and stay with
us.” I said with optimism.
“God is testing you too much. But I’m sure about one thing.
God will not let you cry again.”
“I used every stones thrown by my past on me is to build my
strong future.”
“You must be brave.”He said. And then he hugged me tightly
with all the love. He went away from there.
Even in the moment when everything seems to be over, God
has taken me close to him. Finally, I came to where I needed to
reach. The people who deserve my love, are here.

FIFTEEN
I walked into the ward. I seen everyone in the hospital and
I said to them that I will stay here from now on. Because they
were hard to believe in my saying, I told them the same lie that
I told the director. After heard that, they ripped the womb by
cursing words.
I walked to the block. There are some people talking together
outside.
“Did you come to consult anyone here?” An old woman in
that group asked me.
“No. I have come to stay in this block.”
Everyone looked at me with amazement. I continued
“I also have this illness. It was diagnosed about eleven years
ago. So I decided to stay here. I’m going to the room.” I walked
away from there.
“Oh no! What a fate! She had come here at this age!”
“Why does God express this cruelty to her? We have nothing
to expect in this life. We have reached the end of our life. But
look at her. Before start to live a life; her destiny is to live up to
death in a place like this.”
They continued to hold that discussion. I became one of
them without any tautness.
“Dwani...”
Someone is calling my name out of the room.
“Hello sisters, what are you all doing together?”
“You come here. We have brought some things for you.”
“For me? What?”
“Sit here.”
Each one of them took the clothes out of their packets for
me.
“What is this?”
“Why use it all, for that purpose.”
So they gave me everything I needed, food, dresses and
everything. Each day, I became more beloved to them.
“Shall we cook food here today?”
“But from where?” Jaya ma asked.
“In the kitchen of this hospital. Yes. Today, in the kitchen of
this hospital, I’m going to cook food.”
“Wow! It is really a good idea.”
Everyone agrees with my point. So I got permission from
everyone and got into the kitchen.
“Uncle, for today, you are all free. Today I will cook.”
Everyone was happy when they heard that. I’ve cooked a
meal for everyone. I went to the ward and took the food that
they needed. And I gave them food.
“Uncle, I’ll do things here. You go to the block side.”
“Okay baby. I will go there.”
When everyone started eating, I walked out. I sat down
under the banyan tree.
“Today I am thankful to my God. Today, everyone is happy
here. So I’m also happy. This joy should always be on their faces.”
Suddenly, I found someone sitting there alone. I took some
food on a plate, and I went to there.
“Hello Grandpa”
He slowly lifted his head and looked at me. Eyes in the Dark
Coffee colour. His Skin and hair are still young. The fate did not
destroy his beauty and pride.
“Yes.”
“May I sit here?”
“Yeah”
“Thank you. You have not eaten food, right? That is why I
brought food for you.”
“I do not want.” He said in a hard voice.
“You are an old man. Do you think that you are young? It is a
tasty food I’ve cooked with my hands. If it is not eaten then it will
be a lost.” I said with a little bit of fondness.
“Who is old, me?” He asked like a lion in the morning when
he woke up.

“Oh my god! Please forgive me. I was wrong. Young man,
please eat this with kindness.”
He stared at me. When he saw that I slowly started to fear, he
laughed. And I also laughed.
“You are really great Ms. Naughty. You got into my heart very
quickly. You had just stolen it. What are you doing here?”
“I’m staying here in the block.”
“Block! Oh, so we are not two sides of the coin, the same
sides.
“Yes”
“Anyway, food is good. If I did not eat it, it would be a great
loss.”
So we become good friends.
“Then okay. I’m going. All are there waiting for me, without
eating. Bye.”
I went to the block.
“Hello... I’m back. What are you waiting for? Now you eat.”
All of us began to eat food. Suddenly a stranger came there.
“Hello” He said with a smiley face to all.
“Oh doctor! Come on.” Everyone said in single voice. With
that, I understood one thing. He is only stranger to me.
“Are you eating?”
“Have you eaten?”
“No. I want to eat.”
“You can eat from here.” Lakshmi ma said.
“What! What did you say? The word us means abhor. With
that, how will he eat?”
“Jaya ma, if the leper is hateful, then, every human being in
this world is hateful. Because every man has a dark face that he
does not want to show. That is his leprosy. If that is the case,
there is no treatment. So if someone took me food, I could eat.”
“How strange his thinking is!” I told my mind.
“Dwani, give him food.” Jaya ma ordered.
“Okay. Give me one minute.”
I extended the food towards him.
“Take this.”

“Hm. I have heard about you. Including today’s kitchen story.
Everybody has a hundred tongues to talk about you.”
I looked at him and smiled.
As in the view and also with the mind, He is really beautiful.
Without any hesitation with us, he ate the whole meal.
“Hello, the food is good.”
“Thanks”
He walked away.
“Is he a new doctor?” I asked.
“Yes. He’s been here for a few months. We have never seen a
son like this before. Everyone started to say about him.
Every day began to fall like leaves. Now, I’m spending most of
my time with grandpa. I became the adoptive daughter of that
hospital.

SIXTEEN
“Grandpa, Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“I realized that you had a good education. You speak English
far better than English professors. Then why are you living here?”
“Did no one tell you that story?”
“No. What happened in your life?”
“You’re right. I have good education. A man can get everything
through his education, money, respect, dignity, arrogance,
everything. Except one, Good mind. If you do not have that one,
an incurable disease can destroy the rest. I was doing business
in Malaysia. I earned everything for my family. Unexpectedly,
doctors diagnosed this disease in my body. So that country
overthrew me. When I returned home, I told them everything.
And they also cast me out. So I got down from there. So I came
here.” His eyes were slightly moist.
“That’s your home. Then why did you leave that house?” I
asked.
“Only the relationships were kept to say my own. If they want
my property, they should pick it up. I do not need that at all.
Let them be happy.” I felt more respect to him and also with his
thoughts.
“Okay, I am leaving.”
“Hmm.”
I returned to block and told them I could play hide and Seek.
They tied my eyes with a towel.
“Where are all the guys gone?”
“Hey here...Dwaniii”
“Dwani, come here.”
Everyone began to make sounds out of their direction.
“Catch me.”
“I am going to stop this game.” Suddenly, I struck a man and
began to fall to the ground. And suddenly someone’s hands
wrapped around my waist.
“Anything happened to you?” Hearing the man’s voice, I
opened my eyes and looked up.
“Sorry. And thanks.”
“Anything happened to you?
“No.”
“Whenever you see me, are you only able to say these two
words, Sorry and thanks?”
“Because...I...”
“But I have something to say to you. Although I joined here, I
have not seen this hospital around. Can you show me?” He was
impatient for the answer.
“She will show you. Dwani, Go with him.”
Nobody gave me a chance to answer. So I walked with him
through the walk way. Trees are grown on either side. It was a
beautiful place in this hospital.
“Doctor, what is your name?”
“Rahul”
“May I call you by your name? With this age, I do not feel like
calling you doctor.”
“You call me whatever you like.”
“Then okay, Rahul.”
We talked to each other. We sat down there.
“May I marry you?”
“What!” I looked at Rahul with surprise.
“”Let me marry you?”
“What Rahul? Are you sympathy towards me?”
“Oh never. I know everything about you. But that’s not why
I loved you. People who live here are isolated in their lives.
Whenever I see them I have seen that sadness in their faces. But
now there is no agony there. You can change the tears of others
into a smile. There are so many reasons why I like you.”
“In my life I lost everything. And the thing is it just took a time
of eye blinking to collapse everything. It’s not going to endure any
loss of life anymore. Because, I can’t take it anymore. Therefore,
I do not want to make any kind of relationships in this life.
“But Dwani...”
“No. I have made my mind over the stone so that it does not
get hurt again. And this is my life and my life is for those who
live here.”
I refused that love request before spreading love in his words.
“I’m going”
I walked away from there. Love, the feeling I have not yet
known in my life. The father is the first love of every single
female born on earth. Faith is the strength that the love gives to
mind. Her second faith is’ mother. When her first love and faith
are gone, at that moment her faith in her life is also broken. How
can I love him when I lost faith?
“Did you show him this place?”
When I hear Jaya ma’s voice, I wake up from thinking.
“Hmm.”
“Good. He is a good guy, is it?”
“Hmm. Yes”
“Who is the luckiest girl who comes into his life?”
“Luck... How many times have I hit my head to appease the
fate of sacrificing luck experiences?” I said in my mind. I walked
out of there to ward.
I called the grandfather from there and we sat under the tree
in the yard.
“What’s wrong with my naughty’s face?”
“When I hear this love and affection, the old things come to
mind.”
“Who has Propose you now?”
“How do you know that?” I looked intently.
Or, you cannot remember this love and affection for so much
time. It must remind you by someone. Who’s that guy?”
“Rahul.”
“Our doctor!”
“Yes.” I bowed my head.
“He is really a good guy. Then what is the problem?”
“I cannot. I can trust friendship. If we lose a friendship, the
person who comes to that position will become a medicine for
that wound. But love, it will break us down completely.”
“Do you know one thing?
If relationships exist in this world of ruthless, it is only because
of written covenants or because of cited beliefs. But if there are
relationships on earth without this then either friendship or
love.”
“But when I remember old things...”My eyes filled with tears.
“Life is living, not to be controlled. If we give someone the
opportunity to control us once, then we will be their slave
forever, Even if it is to our past also. And one more thing, we
should never thank the people standing on our side. But we
must say to those who stand against us. Because they make you
to realize that you are stood up for something.”
I lay in his lap. He is right; If you want to be a slave, then be
a slave of your heart. Because; it gives light to your wise. But
never be a slave to the wise, it will burn our heart.

SEVENTEEN
And then, as usual, he came to our block. But for second
time; for me to tell his love, his voice did not rise in front of
me. But his every look sounded in my ears as his words. But
whenever that sound sounds like a loudest noise on my ears, the
past shines through my eyes.
Mom...! Why did she do such a cruel thing to me? If someone
else’s love scares me today, it is only because of her. I never
invited her in my life. Even though she was not invited, why did
she come to my life? Why? Is it for her to reveal that cruel face?
Why did she get me treated and grown up?
She saw through me a daughter or a harlot who could sell only
for one night for the sake of profit? She has not had affection for
me yet. But she loved me. No, sometimes I thought so. Or was it
all just as a prostitute’s whore speech?
Again my eyes are overflowing. If the womb had taken me
ten months, she would never have done this to me. Suddenly
I felt like someone strokes my head. As the wind swaddle me
with love. The touch of love I knew in my dreams. Yes! This is my
mother, Sofia.
My mother had loved me more than anything else. She has
not given birth to me. But the love that came out of that heart
was sweeter than the milk came out of breast.
Suddenly, something goes through the pain in my leg. When
the pain worse, I looked at the bottom of the fingers of my feet.
The view wounded me. I ran to the OP without even thinking
about it twice.
“Rahul.” I called without even giving me a respite.
“What happened to you Dwani? What are you afraid?”
“Come with me.”
I hold his hands tightly. I walked out to the outside banyan
tree. When I reached the bottom of the tree, I laid my feet.
“Dwani, what happened to you? He was greatly surprised.
I take away my hands from his hand. I put my hands on his
shoulders. Then I wept aloud.
“It’s all over.”
He did not understand anything.
“It’s all over Rahul. The disease that has not come until now
has come out now.”
I talked midst weeping, and again the hands tightened, and
then I cried again. His hands slowly approached to my body, now
my body is closer to him.
When I realized that, I would not get anything back, tears
stopped slowly. With a shock, I pulled my hands off. Legs were
firmly fixed on Earth. I’ve moved a step back.
“What happened?” He asked again.
“Some time ago I had a lot of pain in my legs. I looked up
when it was hard to bear. And then...”
The letters are trapped in the throat.
“Then?” You sit here. Let me see.”
He looked at my feet. He looked at me with a little shock. His
forehead has been producing small sweat drops.
“You were right. Relapse! The bottom of the feet has the
ulcer.”
“What should I do now?” I asked in a tired voice.
“Do not worry. Let’s go to the theatre. Let’s tell others about
this. Okay?”
“Hmm”
“Do not worry. I will be with you.”
His words gave me courage. I walked to the theatre with
Rahul. After the examination, they looked at me helplessly.
“What?”
“You know everything about this sickness. You must be
patient with what we say to you. We suspect that the ulcer has
spread from the bottom of the foot to feet. If that happened...”
“Legs should be cut, Right?” The eyes pulled out a drop of
tears.
“Nothing like that. Let us see.” They tried to make me feel
comfort.
“Why are you hiding from me?
I bowed my head so that they would not see the next tears.
They came to me.
“Rahul, you take her to the block.”
“Okay doctor. Dwani, come with me.”
Today, I did not talk to anyone after that. Someone came up
with the weeping eyes in front of me.
It’s been over for three days today. Ulcer has further spread
on my body. Without seeing the outside world; the disease, that
had restrained inside me. But today, it will be tired. Maybe it
looked out to see the outside world.
“Dwani...” When I heard Rahul’s voice, I went out.
“What?”
“Why are you sitting inside? I have not seen you in these
three days. What happened?”
After that meeting with the doctors, the only one who came
with a smile towards me. The glow on his face made fearlessness
in my soul.
“Nothing”
“Then okay. Come, let’s go to the theatre.”
“Okay”
We walked there. Suddenly, he came to me from the front.
He put my hands inside his hands.
“I have come here to tell you something.”
He tightened my hands more to replenish my courage.
“Is the day of operation?” I asked.
He did not take the eye out of my face, but shook his head.
“Operation is Wednesday.”
“Only three more days.”
“Did your Stone heart begin to melt?” He asked.
“Never. Do you know what is most fearful in this world? The
realization of just how really we alone are. Only if we know what
our own fear is, only then we can make courage. So it’s good to
be alone at sometimes.”
“I cannot understand you.”
“Sometimes we are strangers to ourselves. No matter
how much you try, you cannot find the answer. Then how will
someone else understand?”
I looked at his eyes. In a moment I withdrew my eyes. That’s
not sympathised to me. And beyond that, some kind of feeling
ignites there. That fire is sternly trying to spread on me.
“Where are you going now?”
“To the ward.” I replied.
“Okay then. I have a meeting now. Bye.”
“Okay, Bye”
Suddenly midst of walking I seen that grandpa was sitting
there alone.
“Grandpa...”
“Ms Naughty! We have not seen each other for some days.”
“Yeah.”
“Sit here. When is your operation?”
“It’s on this Wednesday.”
“That’s close.”
“Hmm.”
“Do you feel afraid now?”
“For what? When we have someone to say ours in life, we
will be afraid of death. Or there is someone waiting for us.” I did
not look to his face.
“So you do not have one? You do not allow him to make you
his own.”
“Attraction that lasts for only a short time, that is what love
is.” with a sound of despair.
I told him my discovery that I found.
“Do you know the difference between love and lust?
Love is spreading in front of us, just like an ocean. No matter
how much you try to drown and drink, it will never end. That salt
water will only increases our thirst. But lust; It’s just an oasis.”
He explained to me love and lust with condense voice.
“This is nice to hear.”
“Then okay. You answer my question. What is the colour of
his eyes?”
“The colour was...I... I do not know.”
“Generally speaking, when we talk to someone, we look in
the eyes. You can tell the eye colour by looking it at least for two
minutes. A lot of times you have had together. And you have not
yet looked into that eye for two second?”
“I have not listened.” I was a little distracted.
“Because you are afraid, if you look at those eyes, the
apprehension, that burning feelings will subvert you.”
“Nothing like that. If I had any feelings for him, I would have
told you.” Helplessness drove me more.
“The ignited fiery love is on one side
On the other side, you go unnoticed,
How can I tell you that mysterious secret?
You ask your heart,
Maybe; the words are there, scattered.”
He recited a few lines of poem instead of the replies. Was
that the answer to me?
The whole head becomes hot. It brought out the heat that
would be able to burn me. I ran to the bathroom. I destroy that
feeling with water.

EIGHTEEN
Even though it is eleven and I do not feel asleep. Suddenly,
someone started knocking on the door. I opened the door.
“Rahul! What are you doing here?”
“Come with me, I will show you one thing.”
“On this midnight?”
“Are you afraid to come with me?”
“In this world, you are the only one who I am not afraid of.”
I replied.
“Then come with me.”He holds my hands.
“Are you nuts?” I asked with laughter.
“You think so.” He also laughed with me.
“The next journey is in this.”
“Cycle!” I asked in astonishment.
“Yes. Come on.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Do not waste time by asking questions.”
And I sat before him. In the sky, the stars shine brightly. When
he came near the hill behind the hospital, he stopped cycling.
“Get down.”
“Why did we come here?”
“I’ll tell you.”
I looked around impatiently.
“Three... Two...One...Happy birthday.” He joyfully spoke
loudly.
Suddenly the whole light shone. The bottles filled with
fireflies are hanging on the dense roots of the banyan tree.
Everywhere are decorated with balloons. A small birthday cake
is in the middle of these. Suddenly, the rose petals started to fall
into my body.
I was totally astounded. My eyes were filled with joy. I was
speechless.
“How do you know this?” I asked surprisingly.
“From the hospital file.”
“Today!”
“Yes”
“So how did you do this?”
“I did it. Come here. Let’s cut the cake.”
He took me up inside.
“No one has lost your light and your joy. So there is no
candles. Only fire flies who giving light to everyone.”
I laughed.
“Happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you...”
I cut the cake. I took a piece of cake and gave it to him. He
gave me that sweet too.
I moved to the fire flies. I removed the knots from the roots
and I took those bottles into my hands and I looked at them.
Rahul came to me.
“If you want, you can be like this. You can restrain your wishes
and happiness in a cage, only those who are near you can give
light. If you do not want that, let it transmitted the light to the
entire world by letting it fly.”
Those words had many meanings. I removed the lid of the
bottle and allowed them to fly. Let them spread light throughout
the world
“Shall we go? I asked.
“Yes.”
I came back to the room. The mind is very happy today.

NINETEEN
If there is one start, the end will be in the third. The third
will be heavy. This is the third time in this dress. Sometimes we
predict our future, whether deliberately or not. I’m going to
give me as my sacrifice again before luck. This time, the sharp
weapon of destiny will definitely consecrate with my blood. But
will the fate be satisfied with this? If not, will I have to bend my
head before the fate?
“Do not worry, this time we’ll give you general anaesthesia.
Therefore you shall not know the pain.”
Rahul is sitting next to me.
“Will you be with me?” I keen to the answer.
“I will be always with you. Do you think I’ll leave you alone?”
His words give me courage again. But for the first time a
despondent on that face.
“What happened to you? Why are you so sad?”
“Hey, nothing.”
“ Do not lie to me.”
“Do you know the general anaesthesia’s side effect? Anything
could happen. And Memory Los also occur. But only for a short
period of time.”
“Is that the cause of your sadness? I know all these things.
We are trying to forget many things, a lot of times in life. Some
would like to forget the whole past. But whenever you try to
forget the memories, it will be more clear. It will kill us from
inside. If my whole past can be wiped out by this drug, then
tears will never visit me.
“Dwani, shall we go? Doctor, shall we take her to the theatre?”
The nurse asked.
“Yes.” Rahul replied.
“I will call the attainder.”
“No. I will take her.”
He lifted me with his both hands. Within his hands, I was
precisely bound. The heart now beats with my heart. Suddenly
the voice began to decline. He placed me in the wheel chair. He
started to move his foot with pulling the wheel chair from the
back.
“Rahul, Do you know how the fear can be? From the grief. If a
person says that he will no longer have to grieve in life, Of course
that means he has nothing to love and to believe.”
“If so, that person will have nothing to be happy with. Some
sorrow may have been more Intoxicating than anything in the
world, If the pain caused by love. If we begin to love someone in
this world; Then in everything we see, we will find them. Their
absence at the moment hurts our minds, but their memories
will awaken our smile. Because when we love, we love that
person; when we are loved we begin to love this life.” Rahul said.
Even when I felt compatible with those words, I kept silent.
He replied in a moment what love in a best way.
They placed me on the operating table. They connected me
to breathing tube. They put drugs into my body through the
tubes connected to my hands. My body has become completely
unresponsive. The heart works slowly, to feel that it is alive.
They have been removed my right leg from my body, to the
knee. My body may have probably screamed.
They shifted me to the ward. The drugs made me tired. I slept
for a whole day. When I open my eyes, Rahul is sitting in front
of me.
“Rahul, when did you came?”
“Just fifteen minutes.”He took a long breath. His name and
face have not been erased from my consciousness.
I looked at my leg. If the foot has been removed in the view,
the soul is still there. It fits with my body and eliminates that
gap.

TWENTY
The leg was completely healed. Two days later, my soul is
within the artificial leg.
But everything increases my discontentment, but does not
diminish. I looked back to my leg. The soul is still there. So, that is
not the reason. Then what is the reason for this dissatisfaction?
My mind waits for something. Today it is idle to do everything.
It does not show any interest on anything. Is it because of the
excessive love for something else? Or is it because of the absence
of someone else? I could not consolidate my mind on anything.
I got up and sat down. Suddenly the eyes were consolidated on
some one’s face, with lot of interest.
Rahul, He cleans the ulcer in the old aged woman’s feet, with
naked hands. His hands are not hesitated. His face does not have
any hatred and disgust. As always, the lips are filled with smile.
He carefully fulfilled the duty as a son does for the mother.
But the next visual was even more spectacular. The old man
who was next to him, sat sideways of the old woman. Her spine
is completely curved. Through the ulcer in legs, we can see
other side. Since she was unable to lying on bed, she was lying
on the floor. Her whole dresses were spots of blood and serous.
The most worst stage of leprosy. Rahul sat near to me.
We both of us were submerged in that view and we were
started enjoy it. The old man took her with his hands. Then he
carried her to the bath room. He prepared a clean bed for her
to lie down. He clothed her with new clothes and brought her
there. And then he braided her hair. And even when she is ugly
in the eyes of others, he looks her like a bride. Just as his eyes
can only be seen, as a beauty conquers him. His hands feed her.
When she slept, he went to the bathroom. He washed all her
clothes.
“This is the most beautiful form of love. That is what you are
seeing now.” He murmured.
“Can anyone do such a thing?” I asked astonishingly.
“Your own eyes do not lie to you.”
“But how can they do this in this situation?”
“True love does not take advantage of weakness. It will
change itself as a weakness. The woman is his weakness, and He
is her strength. These two things did not impede their curious of
love and still connecting them. “
It’s right. Magic is deceiving viewers in front of the magician;
even they know it’s an illusion. Love is the world’s greatest
magic. The false love will deceive the person who experiences it.
And the true love will deceive the fate itself. For a moment we
did not speak to each other.
“Dwani” Rahul called me by killing the silence.
I looked at him.
“Do not you feel so bored?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Shall we go outside?”
“Where?” It was evening now.”
“Only if you know where we are going, you come with me?”
With a little bit of despair, he asked me.
“It’s not like that. But in this situation...” I bowed my head.
“What? You do not have a leg, so do you think that you can
always sit like this? This leg will be replaced by another leg. Now
come with me.”
He took a walking stick and gave it to me. I tightly hold it
with my right hand. Rahul extended his right hand towards me. I
looked at his face. I hold that hand and then I stand on the floor.
We started travel in his car.
Suddenly a rain drop fell on my cheek.
“Stop the car.” I said quickly.
“What happened?”
“I want to get out now”
“It’s raining outside”
“I know.”

“Do you want to walk through the rain?”
“Hmm.”
“Then come on.”
We walked through that rain. The cold in the hands spread
on me. Through my hair, the rain fell on the ground. The smell
of the soil awakened my mind. I do not know why, but the mind
began to be very happy. In my mind I was dancing in the rain.
“Rahul.”
“What! Are you happy?” he asked with shivering.
“If I am in the place of that woman in the hospital, will you
care for me so?”
“Why?”
“Tell me, will you?”
“Of course.”
“I you can, then say forever.”
“Forever.”
I took off my hand from the stick. It fell to the ground.
“Hey Dwani! Are you fine? Wait, I’ll take it.”
He said with holding my hands tightly. I stopped him. I
wrapped my hands over his shoulders. I lifted up my feet slowly.
For the first time, I looked at those eyes. The colour of those
eyes was dark coffee. Those eyes dragged me to him like a
magnet. There was the blazing emotion. It spreads into me. The
warm entered into my body, the body that shivering due to cold.
I looked at his lips. My lips grabbed it.
And then the fiery love spread out to me. The rain has
increased its intensity. I completely dissolved in him. When I
joined with my own man, I felt a lot of courage, the courage to
live.
I looked at him very slowly. My lips, my heart, and my soul
are dried in you.
“I have been consumed in that which I did not want to acquire
more.” I said in his ears.
His hands were freed. He had hold on my hip. My body is
become more closer to him. If two hearts, which are adoration
to the sincere love, met each other, then surely the universe will
assemble them.
“For me, you are the most intoxicating drink in this world,
Can I drink it?” I asked.
“Sure, But do not say that’s enough.”
“I want to taste it until my soul leaves my body. Because, I
love you always.”
“I love you too.”
And again, our lips have gone together; with our heart.

QUOTES
I FIND WHAT I SEEK

1. If the desire is steadfast and you are dreaming of that
then the victory will be in your hands.
2. Everyone who wants to dissolve in to the infinity of

loneliness, because of thinking that there is nothing remains to
expect, then just remember one thing, some of you might see
the faint light on face like a sunshine.
3. I donot want to influence you but rather i want to be your

inspiration. Or, if anyone can be inspired, i would like to say that
is the biggest axhievement in my life.
4. If the fate allowed men to scream, their pain would have

gone half way.
5. The friends are really great walls. Whether we cross it,

we can see many other aspects of life. The aspect on the other
side of the wall depents on which direction of the wall we have
choosen.
6. If the voice of man gave to the wall in a room, No one was

going to be isolated in this world.
7. If a man is able to survive beyond collapse; It is only

because of two things. There is something remains to love or
to be loved.
8. Assessing whether an event is the start or end of your life

is all about a moment that you taken to think about.
9. Changes are good and sometimes they are also essential.
10. Since the moment we are starting to give our ears to the
assessments of another person, we will begun to be their slave.
11. The great thing in life is not that you look life very
optimiatically. The thing is after seeing the most cruel face of
life, we are constantly moving forward with life.
12. If the leper is hateful, then, every human being in this

world is hateful. Because every man has a dark face that he does
not want show. That is his leprosy. If that is the case, there is no
treatment.
13. A man get everything through his education, money,

respect, dignity, arrogance and everything. Except one, good
mind. If you do not have that one, an incurable disease can
destroy the rest.
14. Faith is the strength that love gives to mind.
15. If relationship exist in this world of ruthless, it is only

because of written convenants or because of cited beliefs. But
if there are relationships on earth without these then either
friendship or love.
16. Life is for living, not to be controlled. If we give someone

the opportunity to control us once, then we will be their slave
forever, even if it is to our past also.
17. We should never say thanks to the people who standing

on our side. But we must say to those who against us. Because
they make you to realize that you stood up for something.
18. If you want to be a slave, then be a slave of your heart.

Because, it will gives light to your wise. Bur never be a slave of
your wise, it will burn your heart.
19. Do you know what is the most fearful in this world?

The realization of just how alone we really are.
20. If we know what our own fear is, only then we can make
courage. So it’s good to be alone at sometimes.
21. Do you know the difference between love and lust?
Love is spreding in front of us like an ocean. No matter how
much you try to drown and drink, it will never end. The salt
water only increase our thirst. But lust, it’s just an oasis.
22. If a person says that he will no longer to grieve in life, of

course that means he has nothing to love and to believe.
23. When we are in love, we love that person; when we are

loved we begin to love this life.
24. True love does not take advantages of weakness. It will

change itself as a weakness.
25. Magic is decieving viewers in front of the magician; even

the known it’s an illusion. Live is the world’s greatest magic. The
false love will decieve the person who experiences it. And the
true love will decieve the fate itself.
26. Sometimes, the water that can swallow the blazing fire
would be able to prove the fire about the energy of the fire.
27. I used every stones thrown by my past on me to build my

strong future.
28. If two hearts, which are adorated to the sincere love, met
each other, then surely the universe will assemble them.
29. “For me you are the most intoxicating drink in this world,
can I drink it?”
“Sure, but do not sat that’s enough.”
“ I want to taste it until the soul leaves my body. Because I
love you always “
“ I love you too.”


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I FIND WHAT I SEEK

I FIND WHAT I SEEK 1

Cover & Layout

(For Private Circulation Only)

2 I FIND WHAT I SEEK

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2. Everyone who wants to dissolve in to the infinity of

3. I donot want to influence you but rather i want to be your

4. If the fate allowed men to scream, their pain would have

5. The friends are really great walls. Whether we cross it,

6. If the voice of man gave to the wall in a room, No one was

7. If a man is able to survive beyond collapse; It is only

8. Assessing whether an event is the start or end of your life

9. Changes are good and sometimes they are also essential.

12. If the leper is hateful, then, every human being in this

13. A man get everything through his education, money,

14. Faith is the strength that love gives to mind.

15. If relationship exist in this world of ruthless, it is only

16. Life is for living, not to be controlled. If we give someone

17. We should never say thanks to the people who standing

18. If you want to be a slave, then be a slave of your heart.

19. Do you know what is the most fearful in this world?

22. If a person says that he will no longer to grieve in life, of

23. When we are in love, we love that person; when we are

24. True love does not take advantages of weakness. It will

25. Magic is decieving viewers in front of the magician; even

27. I used every stones thrown by my past on me to build my

I FIND WHAT I SEEK 95

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