Interestingly, we struggle with Self-forgiveness, something that is exclusively within

our control. We all make mistakes, but it appears that not all of us can quickly learn
and move on. There is nothing to be gained from ruminating about past events. You
can sit there forever, lamenting about how bad you’ve been, feeling guilty until you
die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the
past. And yet, we are far too often drawn into a downward spiral of self loathing and
guilt.

While travelling through rural India in the late 1990s, I came across a burning
ceremony. Basically, the village residents had built a pyre out of the items they
wanted to let go of in their lives. The pyre contained a wide assortment of items from
furniture, to clothing, to small pieces of paper with words, phrases, or names written
on them. It was explained to me that this ritual was practiced annually to let go of
the past. The symbolism of the past being blown away like the smoke has always
stuck with me.

If it was only as easy as managing our mental health using a pen, paper, and a book
of matches. But it's not. Letting go of the past is problematic because, at times, it
requires we first take responsibility for actions we are not always proud of or
would rather forget, but we can't. Self-forgiveness is not about forgetting the past,
but learning from it and holding on to the learnings and not the act itself. “They are
the prudent who leave behind yesterday's mistakes in complete self-forgiveness, but
for the lessons they learned from them, and to then face each new dawn as if it were
their very first” as an unattributed source once stated.

Our ‘hindsight bias’ also makes it hard to let go of the past. Research has shown that
most of us view past events as more predictable than they really were. Also known as
'I knew all along' syndrome as people often use these words to preface their views on
a past event. 'I knew all along (insert sports team name) was going to lose,' for
example. In reality, there was no way of predicting the outcome of many events,
especially those involving human interactions. Yet, we will hold on to guilt and blame
ourselves for not be proactive in our interventions or interactions. Many of us have
lived or still live with the guilt of not reaching out to a loved one before their passing.

"Do you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive others?" My answer was,
“Yes.” As the Tibetan Buddhist, Lama Yeshe advised, “Be gentle with yourself if you
wish to be gentle with others.”
Many of us are very hard on ourselves. We bear the calluses of our past deeds even
though they serve no purpose and cannot be changed. The answer to the questions,
'Can anything be done to changed what happened?' is always NO! There is no going
back in time. What is done is done, and the only path available is forward.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We have all said and done things we
immediately or later regret. Perfectionism is seen by most people as a curse and not
a blessing. ‘Perfectionism isn’t about growth, improvement, or personal
achievement, it’s about fear and avoidance. Therefore, what you should really be
focused on is realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws. This
perspective is healthy and inclusive and leads to real personal growth instead of
flawed perfectionism.

Moreover, there is no one-size-fits-all path to self-forgiveness. There are eighty-one

million references to self-forgiveness on Google because no one has figured out the
perfect solution. The standard agreement between the millions of articles and paper
written on self-forgiveness is no one's mental health is served well by spending their
time ruminating about past misgivings and misdemeanours.

My journey to self-forgiveness was to learn from my mistakes and move on.

Accept responsibility for our actions. Express remorse, apologize if possible. Repair
the damage and restore trust. This may take time, but always take the first steps.
Focus on renewal, learn from the experience and move forward.

These practices have served me well in the ensuing years. But my most significant
learning is best summed up by the words of Maya Angelou, “Forgive yourself – no
one else will.”