A HISTORY OF THE WORLD

I suppose it wasn’t altogether Noah’s fault. I mean, that God of his was a really oppressive role-model.
Noah couldn’t do anything without first wondering what He would think. Now that’s no way to go on. Always
looking over your shoulder for approval – it’s not adult, is it? And Noah didn’t have the excuse of being a young
man, either. He was six hundred-odd, by the way your species reckons these things. Six hundred years should have
produced some flexibility of mind, some ability to see both sides of the question. Not a bit of it. Take the
construction of the Ark. What does he do? He builds it in gopher-wood. Gopher-wood? Even Shem objected, but no,
that was what he wanted and that was what he had to have. The fact that not much gopher-wood grew nearby was
brushed aside. No doubt he was merely following instructions from his role-model. But even so. Anyone who knows
anything about wood – and I speak with some authority in the matter – could have told him that a couple of dozen
other tree-types would have done as well, if not better. And what’s more, the idea of building all parts of a boat from
a single wood is ridiculous. You should choose your material according to the purpose for which it is intended.
Everyone knows that. Still, this was old Noah for you – no flexibility of mind at all. Only saw one side of the
question. Gopher-wood bathroom fittings – have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?
He got it, as I say, from his role-model. What would God think? That was the question always on his lips.
There was something a bit sinister about Noah’s devotion to God. Creepy, if you know what I mean. Still, he
certainly knew which side his bread was buttered. And I suppose being selected like that as the favoured survivor,
knowing that your dynasty is going to be the only one on earth – it must turn your head, mustn’t it? As for his sons –
Ham, Shem and the one beginning with J – it certainly didn’t do much good for their egoes. Swanking about on deck
like the Royal Family.
You see, there’s one thing I want to make quite clear. This Ark business. You’re probably still thinking that
Noah, for all his faults, was basically some kind of early conservationist, that he collected animals together because
he didn’t want them to die out, that he couldn’t endure not seeing a giraffe ever again, that he was doing it for us.
This wasn’t the case at all. He got us together because his role-model told him to, but also out of self-interest, even
cynicism. He wanted to have something to eat after the Flood had subsided. Five and a half years under water and
most of the kitchen gardens were washed away. I can tell you. Only rice prospered. And so most of us knew that in
Noah’s eyes we were just future dinners on two, four or however many legs. If not for now, then later. If not us, then
our offspring. That’s not a nice feeling, as you can imagine. An atmosphere of paranoia and terror held sway on that
Ark of Noah’s. Which of us would he come for next? Fail to charm Ham’s wife today and you might be a fricassee
by tomorrow night. That sort of uncertainty can provoke the oddest behaviour. I remember when a couple of
lemmings were caught making for the side of the ship – they said they wanted to end it once and for all, they
couldn’t bear the suspense. But Shem caught them just in time and locked them up in a packing-case. Every so
often, when he was feeling bored, he would slide open the top of their box and wave a big knife around inside. It
was his idea of a joke. But if it didn’t traumatize the entire species I’d be very surprised.
And of course once the Voyage was over, God made Noah’s dining rights official. The pay-off for all that
obedience was the permission to eat whichever of us Noah chose for the rest of his life. It was all part of some pact
or covenant botched together between the pair of them. A pretty hollow contract, if you ask me. After all, having
eliminated everyone else from the earth, God had to make do with the one family of worshippers he’d got left, didn’t
he? Couldn’t very well say, No you aren’t up to scratch either. Noah probably realized he had God over a barrel
(what an admission of failure to pull the Flood and then be obliged to ditch your First Family), and we reckoned
he’d have eaten us anyway, treaty or no treaty. This so-called covenant had absolutely nothing in it for us – except
our death-warrant. Oh yes, we were thrown one tiny sop – Noah and his crowd weren’t permitted to eat any females
that were in calf. A loophole which led to some frenzied activity around the beached Ark, and also to some strange
psychological side-effects. Have you ever thought about the origins of the hysterical pregnancy?
Which reminds me of that business with Ham’s wife. It was all rumour, they said, and you can see how
such rumours might have started. Ham’s wife was not the most popular person in the Ark. And the loss of the
hospital-ship, as I’ve said, was widely attributed to her. She was still very attractive – only about a hundred and fifty
at the time of the Deluge – but she was also willful and short-tempered. She certainly dominated poor Ham. Now the
facts are as follows. Ham and his wife had two children – two male children, that is, which was the way they
counted – called Cush and Mizraim. They had a third son, Phut, who was born on the Ark, and a fourth, Canaan,
who arrived after the Landing. Noah and his wife had dark hair and brown eyes. So did Ham and his wife. So, for
that matter, did Shem and Varadi and the one beginning with J. And so did Cush and Mizraim, and Canaan. But
Phut, the one born on the Ark, had red hair. Red hair and green eyes. Those are the facts.
At this point we leave the harbour of facts for the high seas of rumour (that’s how Noah used to talk, by the
way). I was not myself on Ham’s ark, so I am merely reporting, in a dispassionate way, the news the birds brought.
There were two main stories, and I leave you to choose them. You remember the case of the craftsman who chipped
out a priest’s hole for himself on the stores ship? Well, it was said – though not officially confirmed – that when they

 searched the quarters of Ham’s wife they discovered a compartment nobody had realized was there. It certainly
wasn’t marked on the plans. Ham’s wife denied all knowledge of it, yet it seems one of her yakskin undervests was
found hanging on a peg there, and a jealous examination of the floor revealed several red hairs caught between the
planking.
The second story – which again I pass on without comment – touches on more delicate matters, but since it
directly concerns a significant percentage of your species I am constrained to go on. There was on board Ham’s ark
a pair of simians of the most extraordinary beauty and sleekness. They were, by all accounts, highly intelligent,
perfectly groomed, and had mobile faces which you could swear were about to utter speech. They also had flowing
red fur and green eyes. No, such species no longer exists: it did not survive the Voyage, and the circumstances
surrounding its death have never been fully cleared up. Something to do with a falling spar… but what a
coincidence, we always thought, for a falling spar to kill both members of a particularly nimble species at one and
the same time…
(Julian Barnes – from A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters, slightly adapted)

A
READING COMPREHENSION

Julian Barnes (b. 1946 - ) is a contemporary British writer whose novels

and short stories have been seen as examples of postmodernism in
literature. Among his best works we need to mention: Flaubert’s Parrot
and A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters.
A History of the World… is sometimes categorised as a novel, a collection
of short stories or even a set of essays – due to the various styles employed
by Barnes in the work. It deals primarily with Christian history and
legends, attempting to deglaze and satirise myths. Every chapter is devoted
to an individual or an entity, often a marginal or insignificant agent in the
events, who is said to have witnessed or experienced a key event in the
history of the world. The story of the Great Deluge is told here by a
woodworm, a species that has been excluded from the Ark but that
manages to make the trip as a stowaway.

1. The text can be considered a parody of a Biblical text. Identify some of the strategies that the author uses in
order to make such a reinterpretation possible.
2. The story of the Flood is retold from another character’s perspective. What kind of a character is this? Does he
also appear in the biblical text?
3. Characterize Noah as he is presented in this text. What are the similarities and differences between Barnes’s
representation of Noah and the biblical representation?
4. Comment upon the following lines “God was a really oppressive role-model”. Do you agree with the statement?
5. Comment upon “There was something a bit sinister about Noah’s devotion to God.” Why does the author
choose the word “sinister”. Can you think about other biblical characters whose devotion could be qualified as
“sinister”?
6. Does the author present Noah as “an early conservationist”? How can qualify Noah’s actions of “collecting the
animals” from a contemporary perspective?
7. Comment upon “An atmosphere of paranoia and terror held sway on that Ark of Noah’s”.
8. How can you comment upon the lemming episode?
9. Does the story-teller look favorably upon the “covenant” between Noah and God?
10. Why does the story-teller say that Now has God “over a barrel”. Try to explain the circumstances of such a
situation.
11. What is the reason for the “frenzied activity” that starts on the Ark?
12. How can you comment upon the “business with Ham’s wife”. Is this episode relevant from a biblical point of
view?
13. What does the presence of a “priest-hole” on Noah’s Ark remind you of?
14. In what way would the presence of simians on Noah’s Ark be relevant? Why does the story-teller say that “it
directly concerns a significant percentage” of our species? Is it consistent with the biblical view upon creation?
15. Why does the story-teller offer two possible stories about Ham’s wife? Which of them do you consider more
plausible?

 B
VOCABULARY
Fill in the blanks with expressions from the text above:
1. I am merely reporting, in a ________ way, the news the birds brought.
2. It was all part of some pact or covenant ______together between the pair of them.
3. The simians also had _________ red fur and green eyes.
4. This pact was a pretty _________ contract, if you ask me.
5. An atmosphere of paranoia and terror held _________ on that Ark of Noah’s.
6. Noah was six hundred-________, by the way your species reckons these things.
7. The second story – which again I pass on without comment – _______ more delicate matters.
8. The fact that not much gopher-wood grew nearby was ____________.
9. The simians were, _________, highly intelligent and perfectly groomed.
10. Noah’s sons were ________ about on deck like the Royal Family.

Paraphrase and find a larger context for the following:

1. So, that’s the way the cookie crumbles! 2. He doesn’t know which side his bread is buttered. 3. Hold your horses!
4. Two others made it by the skin of their teeth. 5. You can’t teach a dog old tricks. 6. Touch wood! 7. The long and
the short of it is… 8. He’d gone out on a limb to help us. 9. The audience was in hysterics. 10. He’s too hot to trot.
11. The more the merrier. 12. Hook, line and sinker. 13. Hear! Hear! 14. He’s in the dog house. 15. I’ve heard it on
the grapevine. 16. Say when. 17. Some of his work isn’t up to scratch. 18. He built this from scratch. 19. Set a thief
to catch a thief. 20. Needs must when the devil drives. 21. Mum’s the word. 22. Oops-a-daisy. 23. Don’t mention it.
24. Not to worry. 25. The manager had us over a barrel. 26. I say, … 27. Skip it. 28. Break a leg! 29. It takes all
sorts… 30. Well I never! 31. Tell me about it!

SYNONYMY: creepy, spooky, sinister, scary, frightening, terrifying, hair-raising, spine-chilling, blood-curdling,
chilling. Translate into Romanian:
1. The lawyer gave a chilling demonstration of how the accused used a towel to suffocate his victim. 2. We stayed up
late telling scary ghost stories. 3. The first time I went hang-gliding it was terrifying, but now I love it. 4. Mary went
upstairs to look for Dean and seconds later I heard a blood-curdling scream. 5. This wood is really spooky in the
dark. 6. The house looked fine from outside but inside it was dark and creepy. 7. The only journalist to witness the
rebellion gave a spine-chilling account of atrocities carried out by both sides. 8. It can be very frightening to leave
home and move to the city. 9. He was a handsome man in a sinister sort of way.

IDIOMS: MATTER. Translate into English:

1. Este o problemă de principiu, aşa că nu pot accepta. 2. Vă vom contacta imediat ce aflăm rezultatul, aşa cum se
procedează de obicei în acest caz. 3. “L-ai întrebat ce vrea să mănânce la cină?” “Nu, de fapt nu m-am gândit la
asta.” 4. Ce importanţă are câţi ani am? Mă simt ca la 20 de ani. 5. Înainte să ne reglăm conturile, mai există şi
chestiunea banilor pe care mi i-ai împrumutat. 6. Este bine ştiut că regele este mai important decât regina. 7. Te voi
suna diseară, orice s-ar întâmpla. 8. Trebuie să aplicăm acea hotărâre ca o măsură de urgenţă. 9. Când a văzut că sora
lui e tratată cu asemenea dispreţ s-a hotărât să se ducă el acolo şi să rezolve problema personal. 10. Adevărul
adevărat este că nu ştiu să răspund la întrebare.