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Archimandrite Savvas Hagiorite

THE ROLE OF THE MOTHER IN THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN

(Recorded speech – translated text)

Edessa, Greece
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Dedicated to our Lord Jesus Christ,

The builder of our Holy Orthodox Church

and to His Most Holy Mother,

The Most Holy Theotokos.

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CONTENTS

Preface

The most significant role of the mother: the Christian upbringing of children

Maternal love: a gift from God and an aid to upbringing

Perfect (altruistic) love needs to replace maternal love

‘Good use’ of the child’s love towards the mother

The Christian upbringing of children is an attribute and duty of a true mother

Childbearing does not save the parents. What contributes decisively to their salvation is the
Christian upbringing of their children

Parents are saved, “As long as they themselves and their children remain in purity, faith, love
and sanctification”

Worthy of reward is the pious upbringing, not child-bearing per se

The wrong upbringing of children endangers the parents’ salvation

Parents having a common Christian ground: a must for upbringing

The mother: the most suitable person for upbringing

The mother making good use of the hesychastic atmosphere of the home

The damage caused by atheist psychologists and by the secular state which is influenced by
the New Age

Preserving children’s purity

Avoiding ease and comfort

Only Divine Love has no saturation point

The love for ascesis and hardship must be cultivated in the children by the mother

Ease leads to boredom – A life of comfort renders a person useless

Unnecessary and excessive care as well as overprotectiveness creates immature people

Raising a girl: distance from worldly luxuries, adornment and vanity

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Upbringing must begin at the first stage of childhood (in fact, from the moment of
conception) with the holy life of the mother

Daughters imitate their mothers

Raising children in a positive manner – Using encouragement

The right upbringing of children as a broader contribution to society

The Christian mother transforms the whole family and society

Adorning the soul and not the body: work for the whole of humanity

Harmony and love between spouses

The mother needs to support the father’s role in the catechism of the children

Fostering support for the father’s personality in the soul of the children

Questions-Answers

Her other eye

Turn me into a television

The upbringing of children according to Osios Porphyrios

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Preface

With the help of God and with the blessing of our Metropolitan, His Eminence Mr. Joel of
Edessa, Pella and Almopia, we put forth the publication of two humble works which are
concerned with the upbringing of children. The contents are based on the consistent teachings
of the Holy Fathers of our Church.

The first work bears the title “The role of the mother in the upbringing of children”.

It is a transcribed and slightly edited homily bearing the same title, drawing mainly from the
teachings of Saint John Chrysostom on the upbringing of children.

The second work bears the title “The upbringing of children according to Osios Porphyrios of
Kafsokalyvia”.

In this work, we are mainly based on the teaching of this new Saint of our Church, Porphyrios of
Kafsokalyvia, and secondarily on the teachings of Saint John Chrysostom and Saint Luke of
Crimea.

We pray that, with the Grace of God and with the blessings of the Theotokos and all the Saints,
these two small works will contribute towards the education of the modern Orthodox Christian
mother, so that she can successfully achieve her God-given vocation – to raise her children in
Christ, and to lead them to the Kingdom of God.

Archimandrite Savvas Hagiorite

Pentaplatanos, Giannitsa

4th of February 2015

(St. Isidore of Pelusium)

Translator’s note:
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This work is an English translation of the original speech transcript, which was written in the
Greek language. Further modifications have been made in this present English translation with
the consent of the speaker Hieromonk Savvas Hagiorite.

Melbourne, Australia

10th of March 2022

The most significant role of the mother: the Christian upbringing of children

With the grace of God and with the blessings of our metropolitan, His Eminence Mr. Joel,
we will talk about the contribution of the mother to the education and upbringing of her
children.

St. John Chrysostom says that the most important activity of the Christian mother, and
her main role in the context of the family, is the proper upbringing of her children. 1

Of course, the Holy Father’s (St. Chrysostom’s) position is one that stems from the
enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. In other words, it is not the view of a person who is simply
contemplating or reflecting. Instead, it is the view of a person who is thinking and speaking with
the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. Thus, this is also the ‘position’ held by God, The Church,
The Holy Spirit.

The family is the most blessed unit within society. The proper family is essentially a small
church. In this type of family, young children can be guided to live a Christ-like life. The main
role of the mother is to ensure that she gives her children guidance and pedagogy in Christ.

Τherefore we can see that all the other roles usually ascribed to women/mothers take on
a second, third or side role compared to her main role of motherhood. (The other roles we are
referring to pertain to things such as professional employment; social status; climbing the
corporate ladder like males; career development etc.) So if the woman/mother wants to stand
correctly according to God – to The Holy Spirit – her role to educate her children in Christ must
become her first and main goal in life.
1
Giorda Konstantinia, Η χριστιανική αγωγή στην προσχολική ηλικία κατά τον Ιερό Χρυσόστομο: Παιδαγωγική διερεύνηση στον
Ιερό Χρυσόστομο και κατεξοχήν στο έργο του: Περὶ κενοδοξίας˙ καὶ ὅπως δεῖ τοὺς γονέας ἀνατρέφειν τὰ τέκνα [The Christian
upbringing of pre-school age children according to St. John Chrysostom: Pedagogical inquiry into Holy Chrysostom, in particular
into his work On Vanity and the Upbringing of Children] (Doctoral thesis, Thessaloniki: Αristotle University of Thessaloniki,
1999), p. 67 Source: http://phdtheses.ekt.gr/eadd/handle/10442/13499
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Maternal love: a gift from God and an aid to upbringing

The Christian mother is not without help in her role. She has a virtue undoubtedly given to her
by God. If she develops this virtue she will receive a great deal of help in raising and educating
her children correctly. It is the virtue of love.

Love is a virtue predominant in women – especially the natural kind of love that mothers
have. Love on its own is not what saves, neither does it lead to the Kingdom of God; it does,
however, help the mother approach her child and make sacrifices. A mother can even sacrifice
her own life for her child –we have such examples. But as we mentioned, this natural love
which mothers usually have is not the perfect, nor the right, or even salvific, type of love. The
love that saves is the love in Christ which is the fruit of The Holy Spirit, as Apostle Paul teaches
us: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace …” (Galatians 5:22).

Perfect (altruistic) love needs to replace maternal love

The mother needs to go beyond this natural maternal love in order to reach the higher
level of love which is the love in Christ – love by The Holy Spirit. In other words she has to reach
the point of loving her children selflessly without expecting anything in return; without limits,
without discriminating, regardless of whichever manner her children behave towards her.

Loving without expecting anything in return or loving selflessly means that she should not
be thinking as follows: “At some point in time when I’m old I’ll have some support from my
children… someone to lean on”. It is likely of course that in the end she may well have that
‘support’. This, however, is not what she should be aspiring to; this should not be her motive or
objective. If she operates with this kind of notion, her love is contaminated, it is not altruistic.
Instead, it is a transactional relationship of giving now with the hope of receiving later.

Perfect love is altruistic. It does not expect anything in return. It is not transactional.
Perfect love is selfless. This is the kind of love that the mother needs to attain – that is when the
family functions correctly.

If the mother does not try to love selflessly, she will make many mistakes in the
upbringing of her children. If at some point the child does not treat her properly, what will she
do? If she does not have altruistic love she may even come to the point of ‘strangulating’ her
child. We have these kinds of ‘mothers’. You may say “God forbid!”, but unfortunately it
happens.
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Why? It’s because this natural love is not perfect. It is unstable and there is always the risk of
failing. True love is the love in Christ which “never fails” as we are taught by Apostle Paul
(Corinthians 1 - 13:8).

The mother who loves selflessly never stops loving –regardless of whatever her child does
to her.

………………………………….

The natural love that the mother feels for her child is very strong. This of course is a gift
from God.

‘Good use’ of the child’s love towards the mother

In the same manner respectively, the children love their mother. The mother usually
enjoys a great deal of love from her children. Children tend to approach their mother a lot
easier than anybody else. And it is for this reason that the mother plays a major role in the
upbringing of her children. Holy Chrysostom says that even when she chastises them, even if
she smacks them, the children will still run to their mother’s embrace. 2

Children prefer their mother above any other person – whether from within or outside
the family environment. For children, according to Holy Chrysostom, nothing surpasses the
need and safety of the mother’s embrace. 3 We can therefore say that this loving relationship
between mother and child provides the most suitable context and environment for the child’s
Orthodox upbringing. More often than not, all humans are influenced by their mothers. Hidden
behind all the great people (and the Saints were truly great people) are usually ‘great’ mothers.
They are the mothers who gave the proper and orthodox upbringing; “In the training and
admonition of The Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Conversely, the love that children have for their mother will have to be put to good use –
it helps a great deal towards proper upbringing. The mother ought to take ‘advantage’ of this
love (in a good sense), and instill the love of Christ in her child. 4 She must not become
indifferent, neither should she follow modern notions or ideas, which in fact are not modern at
all –on the contrary, they are very old: they are of the ancient evil serpent, the ancient enemy
(the devil) who distorts and deceives as follows: “Let the child do whatever it wants”.

The Christian upbringing of children is an attribute and duty of a true mother

2
Ibid.
3
Ibid.
4
Ibid.
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The mother should not follow this destructive ‘prescription’ (that is, to allow her child to
do whatever they want). Neither should she ask and do what the child wants. The mother
should not become subordinate to the child. There will be times when, with great discernment,
the mother will need to ‘do obedience’ to her child. But this should not become the rule.

Holy Chrysostom says that “to give birth” is not what characterizes a mother.5 Notably, in
society there is a view that the woman’s role is to give birth to children. The Holy Father says
“no”. This is not her purpose.

-What is that which characterizes a mother?

- That which characterizes the mother is the upbringing of children. In other words, “to
give birth” is a gift of nature, a gift given by God since God created nature. ‘Giving birth’ is a gift
– it is not an achievement. The mother’s achievement is to give the right upbringing to her
children. That is when she worthily bears the title of ‘mother’ – that is when she truly is a
mother.6

Whether she raises her children or not, whether she gives them correct, or wrong, or
even no pedagogy at times, these are actions determined by the mother’s free will (she does
these things if she wants to do them), but ‘giving birth’ is of nature.7

First she will get married, and then she will bear children. This is the natural order. Now
you may say that there are some women that get influenced from the devil, who is a murderer
of humans, and kill their children before they are even born… but let’s not comment on this
right now. We are talking about the natural progression of things in an Orthodox marriage. If
the mother is God-fearing, if she prays, and if it is for her benefit, God will bless her and she will
conceive and give birth. This is nature’s accomplishment – in other words, it is God’s
accomplishment.

From that point onwards it is the human will that starts to play a decisive role – it reveals
who the true mother is. The true mother freely chooses to cooperate with Divine Grace. In
doing this, she not only gives biological life and provision for the physical care and growth of
her child, but she also gives her child a proper upbringing, a life in Christ.

5
Ibid.
6
Ibid., pp.67-68
7
Ibid., p.68
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You may recall from history, the ancients spoke about the “good and correct manner of
living” (Greek: εὖ ζῆν). Alexander the Great used to say that his parents gave him “life” (ζῆν) but
it was his teacher Aristotle that gave him the “good and correct manner of living” (εὖ ζῆν).

Of course today we are certain that the “good and correct manner of living” is what the
Church gives us –what Christ teaches us through our parents, our mother and father. Let’s not
forget the father. According to St. Chrysostom, the father has the most important and most
responsible role in the children’s upbringing.

Childbearing does not save the parents.

What contributes decisively to their salvation is the Christian upbringing of their children

Child bearing is significant for the salvation of the mother and the father, but only when it
comes with a Christian upbringing.8 Please take note of this statement...

-Is the mother saved because she gives birth to children?

-No.

-So when is she saved?

-The mother is saved when she gives her children spiritual rebirth. She is saved when she
puts them on the path leading to God; when she teaches them to confess their sins; to receive
Holy Communion; when she teaches them to pray, and to want to struggle to keep God’s
commandments. The mother is saved when she inspires her children to fulfil every “good,
pleasing and perfect” will of God as their main priority in life. Therefore, when the children are
saved, the mother is saved also.9

The correct upbringing has soteriological (salvific) significance for the mother. Having
children – even many children – is not enough. This is not what saves her. We admire families
with many children and they are worthy of praise because this requires a great deal of effort.
But again, having many children is not what saves. You are saved when you put your children in
Paradise!

Parents are saved “as long as they themselves and their children remain in purity, faith, love
and sanctification”.

“But she shall be saved through childbearing, if they abide in faith, and love and
sanctification with sober-mindedness” (Timothy I -2:15)

8
Ibid.
9
Ibid.
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Holy Chrysostom interprets the above Biblical verse as follows:

-“If they continue in faith, love, sanctification and sober-mindedness”. Who is this
referring to?

-The verse is not referring just to the couple but to the children also. This is when the
woman is saved through childbearing.

The salvific character of childbearing, according to Holy Chrysostom, is dependent on the

Christian upbringing of children.

He says, “Let the woman not be pained (e.g. not hurt or worry) because God has given her
no small comfort, no small consolation”.10

-What consolation?

-The consolation of childbearing. “This is of nature, it is said. That, too, is of nature…

Because not only the natural (e.g. childbearing) is His gift, but also the ministry and talent of
rearing and nurturing children…”11

The mother has received great gifts from God and with these she will be comforted during
the various difficult situations that she faces – as long as she tries to make good use of these
gifts. “If they continue in faith, love, sanctification and sober mindedness”.12

Now what does this mean?

He explains, “If after childbearing they keep them in love and purity”.13 “Them” is referring
to the children. (It is amazing how Holy Chrysostom interprets this!) If after giving birth to their
children, the parents keep them in love and purity (e.g. they keep them chaste), “their reward
will not be small”. Instead, “their reward will be exceedingly great because they will have raised
athletes for Christ”.14

Can you see how Holy Chrysostom explains it?

In order for a marriage to succeed, it is not simply enough for the parents to remain pure,
prudent and in love, but they also need to nurture their children likewise – in Christ’s love and
in purity. How wrong it is for mothers to expose their daughters in a semi-naked fashion, to
earn them the attention of males! This is a very big mistake. The above verse teaches us that
this is wrong, because these mothers are not keeping their children’s chastity and purity.
10
Ibid.
11
Ibid.
12
Ibid.
13
Ibid.
14
Ibid.
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You are also greatly harmed when you lead the other person into temptation, you sin
gravely when you provoke somebody. The main objective is not to marry off your child. This is
not what determines success. Success is to keep your child pure and chaste until they get
married – for them to be crowned worthily from Christ during the sacrament of marriage.
“You martyred saints, who fought the good fight, gaining crowns…” (This is a verse from one of
the hymns chanted at the Orthodox Christian wedding service.)

Worthy of reward is the pious upbringing, not child-bearing per se

If child-bearing in itself is not worthy of reward and salvation, then what is worthy of reward
and salvation? Raising your children in piety; for this you will have your reward, and not
because you bore a child.

Today, many women naturally long to have children; they are suitably created to desire this.
Some women even have children on their own –now this is possible with medical technology.
But this is not an achievement. Outside of marriage, an unwedded mother… can you imagine
the trauma that the child will be carrying, born without a father? The satisfaction that the
woman will feel from becoming a mother is simply a natural satisfaction –this does not lead her
to salvation.

Her salvation is to make her family into a ‘Church at home’, as God says, and when she raises
her children in Christ. That is when she succeeds! Only then is the mother saved: when she
contributes to keeping her children stable in the faith, in love, and sanctification. If she teaches
them, if she advises them, and if she guides them in this manner, she will receive her reward
from God. In fact she will receive it abundantly –it is then that she will secure her salvation!

The wrong upbringing of children endangers the parents’ salvation

See? Having a family is not a simple thing because you put your salvation at risk also. A mother
puts herself at risk… What does she risk? Her salvation. She needs to put the children she bears
in Paradise, also.

St. John Chrysostom says that the care and Christian upbringing of children, both boys and girls,
is undoubtedly the role of both the mother and the father. 15 Of course, he gives the father the
main role because according to the word of God, the father is the head of the family. The father
will give account to God for his wife and for his children. In other words, he is responsible for
them going to Paradise or not. However, this does not mean that the mother is not responsible
for them. Nor does it mean that the children are not responsible for themselves either – as per

15
Ibid.
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the commandment of love; “You shall love the Lord your God with all you heart, with all your
soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbour as yourself”. (Luke
10:27)

The parents, however, are chiefly responsible for the salvation of their children. But he who has
the main responsibility is the father.

Parents having a common Christian ground: a must for upbringing

The cooperation of both parents is a must. There must be a common ground in Christ. They
must be of one accord. The couple needs to renounce their own will and show obedience to
one another. In other words, the mother obeys the father and the father obeys the mother.

Of course, it goes without saying that before you marry you need to choose a spouse that is
God fearing – even slightly. Otherwise what kind of upbringing will you give your child when
you say black and the spouse says white or vice versa? This is what happens, unfortunately. As
you can understand the child will be conflicted. The child will say, “Dad says this… mum says the
opposite… which is correct?”

The young child will most likely be influenced by its passions and will say, “I’ll do what’s easier
for me”. And this is because the child does not possess a fully developed critical ability to
discern what is right or wrong. Neither does the child have enough knowledge regarding God’s
teaching and Orthodoxy.

What then would be the easiest thing to do? That which our passions – our flesh – tell us.

Therefore, the child will side with and follow the parent who has the carnal phronema
(mindset), the materialistic phronema which ‘attaches’ the person to the world, and not the
phronema that ‘lifts’ the person to God.

For this reason, one needs to be very careful before they get married, who it is that they choose
to marry. They must be careful about who they choose to have a family with, in order to ensure
that they will be able to give their children the proper upbringing, and thus not put their own
salvation at risk also. Let us be cautious, because if we connect with a person who does not
have the fear of God, we also risk our own salvation. If the person is not of the same mind, our
children will not get the proper upbringing. Instead there will be continuous clashing and
friction, which unfortunately is so common in unsuccessful couples.

The mother: the most suitable person for upbringing

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Holy Chrysostom says that the mother can naturally fulfil the role of upbringing, and that she is
the most suitable person for this task.16

Why? Because she is the one who stays home most of the time 17 –well, she used to… Now, with
the feminist declarations, which stem from new age mysticism and magic, the mother does not
stay home as much. The care of the children is given to a baby sitter (often a stranger), a
grandmother, or they are even left on their own. Subsequently, they are left in the hands of the
worst ‘baby sitters’ – the television and the internet – which teach the children immorality,
violence and the New Age.

You can now understand how unlikely it is for parents to gain salvation when they do not do
what is necessary for the salvation of their children… How will they justify themselves to God?
God will say, “What did you do? You created criminals, therefore you are criminals too. By your
actions you committed a crime against your children and society”.

Everybody says, “Get married… get married”. We’re not against marriage. Marriage is a path
that is blessed by God. But it is not an easy thing. If you do not do it properly you put yourself at
risk. Marriage requires the proper preparation and you need to know what you are about to
do. Essentially you head towards martyrdom and crucifixion. You come out of your own self…
you trample over your self-love (egotism), in order to reach the state of selfless love.

Holy Chrysostom says that the mother exercises a great deal of influence over her child because
she’s at home the most. Even though, as we said, this is the normal thing to do, unfortunately
these days many women do not do this. In fact, the woman can indeed be the ‘queen of the
house’; her whole psychological make up, the way in which she is created, helps to make this
possible. And this is not at all derogatory. I liken women and mothers to hesychasts. The true
hesychasts can progress a lot more than the other monastics that run out and about to various
duties. Hesychasts are the least mobile; they stay in their cell, they pray more, they exercise
quietness and stillness, they guard their thoughts and their mind. Thus they progress a lot, they
achieve spiritual heights.

The mother making good use of the hesychastic atmosphere of the home
When the mother makes good use (spiritually) of her stay-at-home role, she rises to much
higher spiritual levels than the husband who spends the whole day in the ‘market place’. The
husband receives an onslaught of images and sounds which take away, and go against, his
spiritual development. He has to struggle to forget all of these things and to eliminate all the
images that have come to his attention. But can you see now, how the devil has managed to

16
Ibid.
17
Ibid.
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put the woman in the ‘market place’ too? As a consequence, the woman is also filled with a
whole lot of images – and a great deal of exhaustion.

And the result?

The children have to face, and interact with, two exhausted parents who are constantly arguing
with each other! On the one hand there is constant turmoil, and on the other there is an
absence of proper care for the children. Where will these tired and stressed out parents find
the desire and psychological strength to properly engage with their precious young children?
How will they manage to get their own soul in the right state, and find the peace they need in
order to say some nurturing words to their young children, words about Christ? (See story at
the end.)

Holy Chrysostom says that since it is the mother that stays at home, she is the one that has the
main responsibility of giving her children a Christian upbringing. “Men are distracted with trips,
social cares and political affairs. But, as women are free from these types of cares, it is easier for
them to take care of their children, since they enjoy much skoli at home.”18 (‘Skoli’ means
‘quietness’- Greek ‘σχόλη’).

I imagine that you may know what the word ‘skoli’ (Gr.’σχόλη’) means? Hence the word
‘skolio’– ‘school’ (Gr.’σχολείο’). The word ‘skolazo’ (Gr.’σχολάζω’) actually means I become still,
calm, quiet. ‘Skoli’ (stillness, calmness, quietness) is the most ideal way for someone to find
God. The Bible says, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 45(46)). “To know that I am God
you must become still, you must become calm; you must become quiet and find yourselves”.

Audience: In other words, is it referring to the ‘hesychasterion’?

Father Savvas: Bravo! Yes, the hesychasterion… (Gr. ‘ησυχαστήριο’ – a place of quiet and
stillness.) The ‘school’ (Gr. ‘σχολείο’) – Why do we call it ‘school’? Do you know? Because in
order to learn, in order to read, you must be able to concentrate, you must have stillness and
quietness (‘skoli’) from things.

For example, would you be able to study in the middle of a busy city street? No, you would not
be able to concentrate there… You have to go to a quiet place, forget about everything else, sit
there, concentrate and study. Whatever it is that you are reading, you have to understand it,
and even memorise it if necessary. All of these things require freedom from cares, quietness,
and distance from every other activity. They require stillness and quietness from everything
else. That’s why we call ‘school’ the place where one learns.

18
Ibid
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The damage caused by atheist psychologists and by the secular state which is influenced by
the New Age

The modern mother has lost the time for ‘skoli’ (stillness and quiet), in other words the time
needed to raise her children. Therefore, in current times, it is incumbent on her to ‘lose’ time…
thus gain time for her children. 19 She needs to change her priorities in life. The children must be
her first priority. The mother needs to devote a lot of time and psychological and physical
energy for the Christian upbringing of her children. In doing this, she will essentially be able to
gain her own life and salvation.

Today we have children that are under constant pressure because we have mothers that are
doing so many things and are constantly rushed.20 The modern mother is very busy and overly
anxious – in fact she also passes on her anxiety to her children!

And the result? We have stressed out and psychologically sick children.

So the parents ask the question: “What should we do?”

“Go to a psychologist” – This is the response of the modern era that has an alienated mindset.

So parents end up taking their children to psychologists and damage them further.

And why is that the case? Because, as a general rule, most of these professionals base their
ideas on atheists such as Freud and others. What can they possibly say to the children? Most
certainly they will say the wrong things. In fact, now they are even appointed in schools… after
spiritual fathers (priests) got rid of.

I recently read that children no longer have anything to lean on –especially children with
suicidal tendencies. There are such children… they have lost their very last (humanly possible)
hope. Teachers see these children and do not know how to help them. When the spiritual
father (priest) used to be present, the teachers would send those students to him and the
children would find true joy in Christ. You need to be aware that the suicide rate is elevated in
adolescence, for many reasons. At this age children have not yet become steadfast in the
faith and the life in Christ. They have not yet discovered God or themselves properly. They are
at risk from the devil who tries to put these thoughts in their head in order to lead them to
eternal hell.

Despite all these things the system does not want priests in schools. This is what the New
Ageists are telling us now. They are teaching us that we must become a “post Christian society”.

19
Ibid.
20
Ibid., p.69
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They want to get rid of Christ, because having Christ in our lives is “dangerous”… Of course we
will be paying for all these things later…

Preserving children’s purity

Holy Chrysostom particularly expressed concern for the mother’s obligation to demonstrate
chastity and modesty to her children – both sons and daughters. Sometimes mothers are afraid
to talk to their children about this issue, and they let them do as they please. They let them
have friendships with the opposite sex, and freedom in relationships, following the norms and
role models presented by the ‘devil’s box’ – the television. Furthermore, we have instructors of
the New Age conveying similar messages to our young generation through the school
curriculums, the cinema and the internet.

The mother will need to talk to her children, both boys and girls, and tell them the right things.
She must advise them as to how to keep their purity, modesty, and spiritual cleanliness. The
mother will need to be showing her children the right way to go about these things.

However, I say with much grief that in many instances we see the opposite happening. Children
are encouraged by their own mothers to develop inappropriate relationships with the opposite
sex. In fact, they put forth the slogan “How else are they going to get married?” It is as if
success were identical to getting married! Quite the opposite, actually. Success is not about
getting married. Success is your salvation – whether you make it to Paradise. A marriage might
well cause you to go to hell… From the things we have said, I think one can understand this.

Avoiding ease and comfort

“For the mother to succeed in the protection of her children’s purity, she must place a great
deal of attention in ensuring the avoidance of luxury and comfort.” 21 Note the beautiful things
that Holy Chrysostom said, and how relevant they are for our times!

Mother, how will you guard your child in purity and modesty? How will your child avoid falling
into the traps of sex and carnal passions?

This is impossible without the severing of ease and comforts.

You must help your child to learn to love and practise abstinence and restraint. Your child must
be inspired by you to love hardship, and not a life of luxury; to love hardiness and not ease and
comfort. That is what the Holy Fathers have taught us. This begins from the mother…

For example, when the daughter is lying down and says, “Mum, bring me some water”, and the
mother takes it to her… well… she damages her… These things are unacceptable…!

21
Ibid.
 18

Because, what is she teaching her child?

She is teaching the love of comfort (leisure). She makes her child idle, lazy; the child develops a
love of pleasures and a love of the self. From the love of leisure and comfort we then get to the
carnal passions. Carnal pleasure is never capable of filling the human. It has a saturation point.

Only Divine Love has no saturation point

Every worldly pleasure at some point brings you boredom, when you’ve had enough, and so
you search for something more, something different. For example, you go from the pleasure of
food to the pleasure of physical relationships, and from there you go to perverted physical
relationships, and again you still remain unsatisfied. This is characteristic of physical pleasure.
On the one hand the person is never satisfied, and on the other hand they become very
bored…

The one thing which a person can truly never get enough of is the pleasure of God. In other
words, when a person loves God they do not get bored, and they do not look for anything else.
This is because Divine Love is the only thing that completely fills the human soul. The soul has
an infinite depth which can only be filled by that which is infinite – in other words, only with
God.

The love for ascesis and hardship must be cultivated in the children by the mother

Therefore, we see that the mother needs to cultivate hardiness and not a life of leisure and
ease in her children – both boys and girls. It is ‘no’ to luxuries such as having cakes and rich
foods every day. It is ‘no’ to second and third helpings of food. It is ‘no’ to “Leave the child
alone, I’ll wash the dishes”. No… Mother, you need to make your children, both boys and girls,
help with the chores, assist with the shopping and participate in the common family duties – let
them get a little bit tired. It is not love to keep them in a state of slackness and ‘softness’. This
harms them.

Holy Chrysostom’s view is that the mother’s attentiveness to training her children in ascesis and
hardship needs to start at a very early age, when they are very young, even when they are
infants.22 This is the reason why the holy Fathers advise against a lot of hugs and petting… these
things do not help the children.

Holy Chrysostom observes that the mothers should not train their children, even since when
they are infants, into the habit of being held for extensive periods of time. This bad habit makes
them ‘soft’ and ‘carnal’. Pampering and ease usually leads children to laziness and boredom. 23

22
Ibid
23
Ibid.
 19

Have you noticed a young person who is lazy and does not want to work? In many instances,
what hides behind this is a bad upbringing from a mother who waited on them hand and foot.
Ease, above all else, is harmful to human nature. Those who said that too much ease leads to
boredom were spot on.

Ease leads to boredom – A life of comfort renders a person useless

When I was at university I used to see, “I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored…” written on the desks.

I would think to myself, “Is everybody bored around here?”

Yes… and do you know why they are bored? Because there’s too much ease and comfort, which
lead to boredom as a result.

This is also the reason why God put labour and hardship in man’s life from the beginning. He
gave these as a type of ‘bridle’; to keep us reined in – to protect us from becoming useless. 24

Can you see? Whatever does not work, whatever is not used, will get rusty.

We see this in machinery and everywhere else too. For example, if a car remains stationary – if
it does not move – it slowly becomes useless. If it is not used it will not continue to function
because it was designed to move. A battery that is not used – charged and recharged –will
eventually become damaged. The car will eventually end up with a flat battery…

Humans are the same. The more you remain inactive and the more you resist hardiness and
discomfort, you slowly become useless. For example, they say that to avoid Alzheimer’s we
have to exercise the brain (do mental challenges). The more you leave your brain and intellect
in a state of idleness, the more your mind deteriorates.

It is for this reason that God gave Adam and Eve, and to all of us, hard work and effort. He gave
us these things out of love, like a bridle, to prevent us from becoming useless. Therefore, one
can rightly conclude that inappropriate and excessive care (pampering) from parents to
children should be avoided.

Unnecessary and excessive care as well as overprotectiveness creates immature people

Inappropriate and excessive care: please note… we’re not saying that you should not care for
your children at all, but that you should not wait on them hand and foot. This is damaging, not
just for their physical health, but especially for their spiritual health.

Osios (Saint) Porphyrios used to say that overprotectiveness creates immature children. The
type of ‘overprotectiveness’ where the mother is constantly behind her child, like a servant, and
24
Ibid.
 20

she mollycoddles and sickeningly keeps saying, “Don’t… don’t do this, don’t do that…don’t do
the other”… Well, this type of upbringing makes children immature.

Raising a girl: distance from worldly luxuries, adornment and vanity

The task of raising a daughter is a role that St. Chrysostom assigns primarily to the mother.

“Let the mother teach her daughter to distance herself, to abstain from worldly luxury.” 25

It goes without saying, of course, that the mother has already distanced herself first. If she
makes herself up and spends hours in front of the mirror and does all the rest that you know,
well, it is quite natural that her little girl who watches, will do the same. In the beginning she
will secretly take her mother’s make up etc., then she will do it openly. The mother, therefore,
will have to teach her daughter the opposite of vanity and adornment.

According to the Holy Father, it is central in the upbringing of Christian females to live a life
abstaining from luxuries, adornments and vanity.26 The mother needs to give particular
attention to the behaviours children are prone to, thus helping prevent the young member of
Christ from developing bad tendencies.

Females have an inclination towards luxury, adornment and vanity. “This animal is vain”, says
one of the fathers of the Church. “The animal”, referring to women, is not said in a derogatory
fashion. What he means is ‘this living organism’, this living being, is vain. Therefore you need to
be careful. Females, you especially need to fight against the vanity you have inside you. This
passion becomes the cause for many downfalls and lies, and it can even lead to dishonor.
Because as the Lord said, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled …”

Upbringing must begin at the first stage of childhood (in fact, from the moment of
conception) with the holy life of the mother

The most important thing here is that this upbringing starts from the first stage of childhood.
Do not expect your daughter to reject jewelry and make-up when she reaches adolescence. You
must teach her already when she is a little girl to turn away from such things. Even if the
mother does not have all the ‘paraphernalia’ (lipstick, jewelry etc.) at home, the little girl is
bound to see it with her friends, at school and at relatives’ homes.

I remember going to a school camp to celebrate The Divine Liturgy and offer the sacrament of
Confession to the children. There were primary school girls on the one side, and primary school
boys on the other side in a separate building. Well, most of the little girls had several mirrors,
combs and a bag of ‘paraphernalia’ with make-up and what have you –all these things I don’t
25
Ibid.
26
Ibid.
 21

even know the names of. And the children’s carers noticed that all day long the little girls were
combing their hair, putting on make-up and looking at themselves in the mirror. May I add, we
are talking about young girls, grade 5 and 6 of primary school! On the other hand, the boys
were in their own world, playing with the ball all day.

So what do you think was happening with the girls?

One was influencing the other. They had not had the right upbringing from home. Their having
brought all of this ‘paraphernalia’, means that their mothers gave it to them –or perhaps they
took this stuff in secret? Each little child had what their mum had packed in their suitcase.
Therefore, it was the mothers that had packed these things for them. Totally wrong
upbringing…

From early on in their childhood, little girls need to learn to reject adorning and ‘making
themselves up’. It goes without saying that if a mother is to give her daughter this kind of
pedagogy, she too has already been living in this very manner. Having practised it herself, the
mother will be able to successfully teach her daughter to reject these things that we are talking
about.

Daughters imitate their mothers

In their social interactions, daughters like to imitate their mothers’ habits. As role models for
their daughters, mothers may either harm or help their daughters, depending on the way they
live.

Holy Chrysostom says, “Do you have a little daughter? Beware that she does not inherit your
damage”.27

Are you damaged…? Excuse the expression… In other words, have you been damaged..?
Because sin is damage. Therefore do not make your child inherit your sickness. Stop the bad
thing (the damage) in yourself so that you do not have a successor, so that you do not pass on
your damage to your descendants. Your little child will mimic you. According to Holy
Chrysostom, this is what children love to do. As a rule, it happens that the mother’s ethics will
regulate her children’s ethics. Mothers’ habits are decisive factors for children’s habits.

Raising children in a positive manner - Using encouragement

Mothers are obliged to train and guide their daughters towards virtue in a positive manner. Not
by simply saying, “Don’t”, “Don’t do this, don’t do that”, but in a positive manner too. For

27
Ibid.
 22

example, they could say, “Do this, do that…”, but of course not with force. Mothers are obliged
to guide, advise and encourage their children towards that which is good. This is also their role.

“Monitor them”, says Holy Chrysostom when talking to mothers about their daughters.
“Monitor your daughters. Educate them so that they become home makers. But most of all
teach them to be reverent.”28 Above all to be reverent, and not just know how to make nice
meals.

“Educate them to be modest, to not have a love for money, and to avoid acts of adornment.” 29

The right upbringing of children as a broader contribution to society

In fact, the Holy Father ascribes broader pedagogical and social dimensions to the upbringing of
daughters. The correct upbringing of girls has a far reaching significance for society as a whole. 30

“If you mold them in this way – not to love money, not to love adornment, beautification,
braiding their hair (and all the usual like hairdressing, makeup etc.), you will not only save them,
but you will save the men to whom you marry them off to. And not only the men (whom good
women save), but also the children who will be born… even the grandchildren! When the root
is good, the branches will spread out better. And for all this you will receive your reward.
Everything should be done with great diligence, as though for the benefit of not just one soul
but of many souls through the one. Therefore, in order for the daughter to come to marriage,
she will have to be spiritually cultivated when she goes out of her father’s home. In fact, just as
the true athlete comes out of the arena, the properly raised daughter also comes out (from the
arena of the home). Having acquired the science of marital life and the upbringing of children in
every detail, the mother is obliged to (and, with God’s Grace, she can) transform all the
members of her family towards good in accordance with her own spiritual beauty. She
transforms them in the same way that leaven transforms all the dough.” 31

See how nice Holy Chrysostom’s words are?

The Christian mother transforms the whole family and society

The mother is like leaven for dough. And she is called to ‘knead’ the whole family with her
beauty – not her external beauty (which is also given by God) but with the internal beauty of
her soul.32 Very often, even the external beauty is destroyed by internal ‘ugliness’ and the once

28
Ibid.
29
Ibid.
30
Ibid., pp. 69-70
31
Ibid p.70
32
Ibid
 23

beautiful maiden can end up becoming quite awful. When there is internal beauty, the person
blooms on the outside too. Their face shines, and it brings you joy to look at someone like that.

The mother is therefore called to have this internal beauty and function as leaven.

Do you know how we use leaven?

Those of us [monks] who knead on the Holy Mountain (Mount Athos) know how it works. You
put a bit, let’s say one handful of preferment, in a tub of 20kgs of flour, let’s say in the
afternoon, and the next morning the whole thing has risen. All the dough ferments from the
handful of preferment that you added – it is the fungi (microorganisms) which work in the flour
during the night and leaven the bread.

The mother is called to work in a similar manner within the family. This is assuming that, with
God’s Grace, she has first worked on herself and has restored her own inner beauty. And then,
even if simultaneously, she must ensure that she makes the other members of her family
equally beautiful – spiritually, not physically.

Adorning the soul and not the body: work for the whole of humanity

The mother must not waste her energy on how she will adorn her children in order to make
them ‘little dolls’ with little bows and ribbons etc. Instead she should focus on how she will
adorn them with purity, humility and love. Now we have fashion for little children and babies
too. I even think they have… how do you call them… fashion parades for children too…?

The mother should not spend time and effort on these things, but instead ensure that she takes
care to adorn her children spiritually. She should put the time and effort in teaching them to
struggle, to become humble, to become obedient, to become purer in their thoughts, in their
feelings, etc.

From all this, it is obvious that Holy Chrysostom does not consider Christian upbringing to be an
independent activity aimed at, or limited to, the specific time frame of the early childhood
years.33 It is not just something for the childhood years, but also the foundation for the
subsequent personal life of the human, and not only that. The upbringing given to the child is
the prerequisite and the foundation for the later successful –God pleasing– life, within both
marriage and the wider society.

In other words, the role of the mother in her infant’s life is also a role for the community as a
whole. Take note of this… it’s for the whole of humanity! Upbringing influences the infant, the

33
Ibid.
 24

future woman, the future mother, the future server of the community, and the responsible
future member of society.34

Harmony and love between spouses

In raising the children the mother can and should, of course, have the willing support of her
husband in her role.35

But when?

This depends on her. If she has first conquered and captivated her husband with her love, if she
is modest, pure and virtuous, she will attract God’s help in her role of caring for her children. 36
And, since she will be overflowing with Divine Grace, she will draw her husband who will feel at
ease by her side. He will help her and she will not need to say, “Don’t go out… don’t leave me
on my own…” because he will be glad to be with her.

Why do you think men leave the house?

It is because women are ‘grouchy’… they’ve lost the Grace. So the man says, “Good grief! How
do I stay near her? I’ll leave for a bit, just so I can escape”. So he wishes for the time to pass and
tries to come home as late as possible – hoping that she’s gone to sleep in the meantime. On
the other hand, the woman whinges because her husband is absent. Well! Of course he’ll be
absent because you have not attracted him with your love. You push him away with your
whinging. And even if you say nothing, he sees your long face, he sees your expression, he feels
the state of your soul and the way you criticise him on the inside.

Therefore, when a woman attracts her husband (in the way we discussed), not only will nothing
bad happen, but all the family will keep going well…37 That is what Holy Chrysostom says.

The mother needs to support the father’s role in the catechism of the children

One final point so we can conclude:

When the husband is giving the children a Christian education, it is the wife’s duty to be present
and to support him in his pedagogical role!38 She should not leave or say the opposite of what
he says (as long as what he says is the right thing, of course). The latter is much worse –saying
things such as “Ignore your father, don’t listen to him”… That’s awful.
34
Ibid.
35
Ibid.
36
Ibid.
37
Ibid.
38
Ibid.
 25

One should be very careful before they get married, who they form a relationship with, and
who they create their Church in the home with.

The Holy Father says, “When the father is telling a Biblical story, the mother is required to
applaud and validate what the father is saying”.39

You may say, “Do such fathers exist today?”

(Audience responds) “Only a few… very few”.

They do exist… I know one father who listens to the talks that we do here on the internet
together with his family (because he lives in another state). And this blessed father (whose
children are adolescents) tells me “Father we listen to the talks together as a family and, Glory
be to God, we don’t have any problems”.

Did you hear that? They do not have any problems with their children. But how is this possible?
Adolescent children without problems? People usually believe that during adolescence children
can be excused for what they do. A lot of people say “Ιn adolescence children are capable of
doing everything”. With the right upbringing, the adolescent cannot, nor do they want “to do
everything”. They will want, and will only do, what is right…

Holy Chrysostom says, “Therefore, when the father tells such a Biblical story, let the mother sit
nearby”.40 Since these stories shape the child’s soul, the mother can help by being present and
by praising what the father is saying.41

Can you see? The mother needs to reinforce the father’s personality to the children. She needs
to applaud the valuable things that he teaches and not do what usually happens, which is trying
to tear down her husband in front of the children so that she can get them on her side and be
‘in control’ of the family… This is awful. Of course the man could do just the same. But at the
moment, since you are all women here [in the audience], this is why I am addressing you in
particular.

Fostering support for the father’s personality in the soul of the children

You should support and elevate your husband’s personality – consolidate it in the soul of the
children. Of course it goes without saying that you have got the right husband. We spoke about
that subject before. You must know that men want this very much, their wives to support them.
From the outset, the husband wants to feel that his wife accepts him and does not doubt him.

39
Ibid.
40
Ibid.
41
Ibid.
 26

This really helps the love in the family. There is nothing worse than when a woman doubts and
questions her husband, especially in front of others and the children.

These are the things I wanted to tell you. I do not know how the time just passed… do you have
any questions to discuss, any hesitations, comments or anything else…?

Questions – Answers

Question 1: Regarding “Be fruitful and multiply”

Audience: May I ask? The expression, “Be fruitful and multiply”, doesn’t just refer to the
number of children you have… is it that you must increase your children in Divine Grace?

Father Savvas: Very nice…

Audience: It’s said that if the mother raises good children, those children will also have good
children and so on… and that’s how the “increase” or “multiply” happens.

Father Savvas: Increase in a spiritual sense…

Because we get this message a bit wrong; some of us consider that if you have smart children
you are saved…

But no. Holy Chrysostom was quite clear; you will be saved when you raise them properly, and
not simply when you give birth to them. Yes this is well said… increase and multiply in Divine
Grace and not in number… And even the increase in number is fine (if there are many children),
but this is not the aim… What you want is for the children that God gives you to increase in the
sense of Divine Grace; to activate, as much as possible, more fully, the Divine Grace they
received at their Baptism. The ideal is not about having either a great or small number of
children, but to have children that are full of God’s Grace… that is the main goal!

If God grants you many children, “may it be blessed”…We are not going to put obstacles or
limits to how many children we’ll have. And another big mistake is this family planning... We
put our will over God’s will and say, “I’ll plan for when and how many children I’ll have”. Huge
mistake! We put God on the side… and of course later, when you want them you can’t have the
children you so nicely planned for… then you run to IVF etc. All these things happen because
our ego is in control. If we had set the right goal, our lives would have been very beautiful. And
there is only one right goal: Christ, Divine Grace is the one and only goal. Families would have
been paradise.

For as long as we are not willing to carry our yoke, that is to get into the yoke of Christ, which is
easy and light, we suffer more and carry other yokes. We carry the yokes of the devil which are
very heavy…very, very heavy! And as a result we find that people are full of psychological
 27

issues, with depression and candidates for suicide – and this is because we don’t follow the
specifications of our Maker…the commandments of our Holy God.

Any other questions?

Question 2:

Audience: Question regarding motherly love.

Father Savvas: When the woman has children there’s even more love. God gives love as a gift
but generally speaking the woman has this gift of love. St. Paisios used to say that the woman
has a lot of heart. But this is what happens to the woman – she wastes her heart (her love) on
things that are of no value. She has a glass and she wants to have a nice embroidered doily
under it… better still with a flower drawn on it… and the heart gets hung up on these things and
she ‘wastes’ her loving power on these things. Slowly, she gives her heart a bit to the little
flower, a bit to the little doily, a bit to the ‘little set’ – how do we call it? … And then there is
nothing left for God… that’s what happens.

Audience: Then comes criticism, judgment etc.

Father Savvas: Yes and all that…and then we fall into sinful passions… yes…

Question 3: Regarding love and obedience

Audience: Holy Chrysostom used to say that the man loves and the woman obeys.

Father Savvas: Yes, but that does not mean that she does not love also… But to put it simply,
God gave the man the harder role. In other words, the man is called to love42 even if the woman
does not love him. To love his enemy also – something that is very difficult. His wife can indeed
become his enemy but he must not stop loving her.

The woman, again, is called to do something that is easier – to obey her husband. But if she has
a husband who loves her, she would be a fool not to obey him. It is in her interest to obey him.
And of course, in obedience there is love. When you love someone you obey them. Isn’t that
right? Even if you’re tired, if he asks for a favour you do it because you love him…

Out of love you obey him and do not do your own will…except in the case of sin of course.

THE END and GIVE GLORY TO GOD!

42
Ibid., p.58
 28

Turn me into a television

“Tonight, God, I’m asking you for something that I really want. I want you to turn me into a
television! I want to take the place of the television which is in my home. I want to have my
own space; to have my family around me; them to take me seriously when I speak. I want to be
the centre of attention and them to listen to me without interruptions and questions. I want to
have the same care that the television has when it’s not working. As a television, my father will
keep me company when he comes home from work – even when he’s tired. And I also want my
mum to want me when she’s sad and upset, instead of ignoring me. I want my brothers and
sisters to fight over who will spend time with me. I want to feel that my family puts everything
aside from time to time, just so that they can spend a bit of time with me. And lastly, make it
that I am able to make them all happy and cheerful. I’m not asking for a lot, God. I just want to
become like a television!”

This made the teacher who read it cry (as she was marking it). Her husband, who had just come
home, asked her, “What’s wrong?”

She replied, “Read this essay. One of my students wrote it.”

The husband said, “Poor child! How indifferent are these parents!”

Then she looked at him and said, “This essay belongs to our son!”

*We give thanks to Panagiotis Haratzopoulos for sending us this piece of writing.

Note σελ. πρωτ. 50

A significant amount of the content for this talk was derived from the following chapter of the
doctoral thesis Η χριστιανική αγωγή στην προσχολική ηλικία κατά τον Ιερό Χρυσόστομο:
Παιδαγωγική διερεύνηση στον Ιερό Χρυσόστομο και κατεξοχήν στο έργο του: Περὶ κενοδοξίας˙
καὶ ὅπως δεῖ τοὺς γονέας ἀνατρέφειν τὰ τέκνα [The Christian upbringing of pre-school age
children according to St. John Chrysostom: Pedagogical inquiry into Holy Chrysostom, in
 29

particular into his work On Vanity and the Upbringing of Children], by Konstantinia Giorda
(Αristotle University of Thessaloniki, 1999) http://phdtheses.ekt.gr/eadd/handle/10442/13499