In the past three months I have morphed into someone I never thought I would become: a

loving, caring, girlfriend. I was going over my diary entries and I said, on the thirtieth of may,
that I did not want a relationship because my independence was at risk. I am still independent, of
course, but there are things about me that have changed drastically since I became a girlfriend. I
would now gladly go to school even if I do not need to, to see my boyfriend. Even if it is just for
a few minutes, and if he is studying for some quiz and barely speaking to me, I am there. I am
now a girlfriend who wears makeup sometimes before she calls her boyfriend so that she looks
nice. Now, there is no shame in that, but when he does not call promptly she feels a bit foolish.
Nevertheless, it becomes worth it when he calls her pretty. My decisions are swayed by how
much I care about him. Now, every love song is for him, and I find myself listening to Laufey’s
lovey dovey songs. When I think of him I smile like a newly-adopted orphan. But have I become
delusional? I cannot fathom the idea of us not being together. My best frien asked me how long it
would take for me to get over him if he and I broke up, but I just can’t imagine it. It’s not just
that I don't want to think of it, in my tiny little walnut of a brain physically cannot fathom any
situation that would lead us to ending things. Although it is unrealistic to refuse to prepare for the
worst case scenario, I do not want to think of us not being together. It’s not that I’m obsessed, I
think I just care a lot. It’s like how I can’t imagine my life without her or my phone. Oh my god.
I HAVE gone mad.

Despite all of this I still do not know if I love him. I still hurl at the idea of saying “I love
you” every single day. I don’t even say that to my parents, and I’m pretty sure I love them. I still
haven’t gotten to the bottom of how I define love, and at this point I feel like I do not need to.
Let me create my own definition for love; let me play the role of the fool in love who does not
care about what anyone else thinks. I am delusional. I am a girlfriend. I do not feel jealous
towards the girls that like him, but I do pity them. Is my confidence in him that strong? That he
won’t hurt or betray me? I think so. Picture me: I am a girl who introduces herself as her
boyfriend’s girlfriend. I am a girl who orphaned her commitment issues and has a picture of
herself and her boyfriend as her apple watch background. I do not want to be the girl whose life
revolves around her significant other. Snap out of it Moreno. I wonder if people find how much I
talk about him annoying. I wonder if people judge us. Well fuck off you don’t know him as well as
I do. You don’t have what we have. You’re just jealous. No. I don’t want to get defensive about
my relationship with him because there is no need to do so. What we have is amazing. I’m not
even that concerned about how girlfriend-y I have become. We have fun. I just wish we’d hang
out more, but I understand that he and I both have hectic schedules. Imagine the Moreno-Go
practice that would make us filthy rich. Yes, my name comes first because I am cool. I’m in here
for the long run, but I’m not talking about marriage or babies—God, no. I’m talking about
success and happiness. I usually interchange either for the other but I now think that they are
different. If he chooses another profession in the future I would support him all the way. We’ll
make ends meet. Like Amy Dunne in Gone Girl, “everything else is just background noise.”
Look at me quoting Gone Girl as if it’s not a story about a psycho (but slaying) wife!