Self Portraits

By Gracius Rand

Part 1 : Physical Change

Wow, it feels like it's been forever since I was a teenager (okay, it's only been eight
years, but man, time flies). To be honest, I can't really remember when I had my first wet dream,
but I do remember the moment I realized I was becoming a man - when I produced sperm while
watching some not-so-innocent videos (let's not get too graphic here). I freaked out and dashed
to the bathroom to clean up.

As time went on, I started to notice all kinds of changes happening to my body. I grew
taller, stronger, faster, and hairier. I used to think having a mustache would be cool, but it turned
out to be a total pain in the butt, so I shaved it off. I sweated a lot more and had more pimples
than I knew what to do with. My friend Will, on the other hand, looked like a baby until high
school (we were in the same class, by the way from middle school to high school). My voice was
all over the place - I tried out for choir and the coach didn't know whether to put me in the tenor
or bass section. It didn't help that I'm tone-deaf, which is pretty ironic considering my family's
musical background. I also lost weight and shocked my mom's coworkers, who remembered me
as a chubby kid. I guess it's because I started cycling to school (roughly 17 km).
All in all, my puberty experience wasn't as extreme as what you see in Western media,
but I still went through a lot of changes. Looking back, I should be more grateful and focus on
the things I can control.

Part 2 : Cognition Change

Talking about cognitive is kinda hard and it was ages so bear with me. When I was a little
kid, from kindergarten to fourth grade, I was a stickler for rules and stuck to standard methods,
whether it was in school or games. But as I hit puberty, I started breaking free from those
conventions and exploring new territories on my own terms. I became a big fan of hypothetical
thinking, which I thought was really cool and sophisticated (it's based on Piaget's Formal
Operational and Post Formal thinking theories). I wasn't alone in my explorations though - I had
friends and teachers who helped me along the way. For instance, when I was struggling in a
game, a friend told me about an unorthodox method involving crashing into some glitch to get
things done, and it was a blast.

I also went through a phase where I suffered from "main character syndrome," fantasizing about
my own uniqueness and posting about it all over my old Facebook page (not my finest moment,
I admit). I used to feel like everything was unfair and like I was alone in the world (cue "Lonely"
by Akon). I even started caring about my appearance, which was something I'd never bothered
with before (I used to run around my neighborhood in just a singlet and shorts - seriously). So
as a teenager, I got into the whole "indie" and "emo" scene with my clothing and such.
My extreme idealism was something else altogether. I used to believe I could be friends with
absolutely anyone, even if they were a scumbag. I also had a Prince Charming complex where I
wanted to save damsels in distress. I tried to console a friend who was going through a tough
time and thought only I could save her, but I later realized it wasn't my responsibility.

Of course, reality eventually caught up with me, and I had to face the fact that my ideals were a
bit too...idealistic. These days, I've learned to balance my ideals with reality so that I can still
maintain my pride without completely abandoning my principles.

Part 3 : Self Identity

Alright, let me introduce myself. I'm just a regular dude, but my life is far from simple. I
can be a bit of a whiner, haunted by my past ideals, a total hopeless romantic, and as the oldest
sibling, I feel the weight of my family's high expectations on my shoulders. On top of all that, I'm
an ambitious guy stuck in a lazy body, and sometimes I might even come off as a hypocrite.
Life's thrown some serious curveballs my way, and I've had moments where I wish I never been
born at all (it’s Queen’s reference). But, even though I might seem like a total downer, I'm the
kind of guy who knows how to suck it up and keep going.

Let's start with chapter one: my background. I've got big dreams, but sometimes they
feel like they're way out of reach. When I was in middle school, I thought I wanted to be an
engineer after my teacher hyped up the sweet programming job at Google. So, I went to
vocational school for it, but then I got into the art scene and realized I was good at arts (I was
writing scripts, directing, casting, and even acting in an art performance in high school). Still, I
knew I needed to finish my studies in Computer Network engineering. Later in 11th grade, I
found coding is taking up my mental and strength. I mean I still know the logic behind it, but the
code is kinda stressing me out.

Chapter two is when the storm hit. My first attempt to kill myself was on 11th grade and it
was total chaos. Normally 11th grade in normal highschool has a year to finish everything, but in
my case it needs to be done in only 6 months. I was just kinda sad and even cried about it.

Fast forward to my final year of school, and I was completely lost. I had a shot at
applying to ISI Yogyakarta, but I didn't have a portfolio to show for it, and I was too busy
finishing up my papers to graduate. In the end, I had to give up my dreams of being a filmmaker.

After graduation (thanks COVID, no party for me), I started job hunting and it was brutal.
And then the pandemic hit, making everything even worse. I hit rock bottom and started working
out just to distract myself from how bleak things were. There were even moments where I
thought about ending my life, even though I had a job that everyone was proud of because it
aligned with my computer networking skills. But there was still something missing, and my family
wasn't too thrilled with the idea of me continuing my study to university. They wanted me to stick
it out and get a permanent job, Marcia explained that what I was going through was an identity
moratorium, everything sucks so bad even my parents. It was like the crisis I had back in high
school, but I pushed through it until graduation.

Now, we've got chapter three: the rainbow. Things are looking up for me. I talked to my
parents and they're supporting my decision to go back to university, and they even gave me
more than I expected. I used my paycheck to invest in a new laptop (primarily for gaming, let's
be real) to support my studies, and I've made some amazing new friends who I consider my
comrades. They've helped me through tough times (shoutout to Nathan, Calvin, Lady, and the
gang).

My future might still be a bit blurry, but I like to think of myself as a guy with a lantern,
even if I'm still stumbling around in the fog. At least I can see the ground beneath my feet.

Part 4 : Autonomy

The first thing I did on my own without my parents' guidance was cooking. My mom
taught me how to ignite the stove, crack an egg, and make an omelet when I was in 3rd grade.
After that, I did everything on my own, even making my own dishes tastier than my mom's. This
was when my family still lived with my grandma. However, when we moved to Sidoarjo, we had
some trouble since the distance to school was quite far. At first, we used the school shuttle, but
it became too expensive. So, I decided to use the bus or bemo that had a station right beside
my school. Later on, my mom picked me up, or I used the bike I parked near Purabaya station.
Unfortunately, the bike got stolen later on.

My peak autonomy was when I entered middle school. I decided to use my bike as my
sole transportation to get to school, and even the headmaster couldn't believe it. He said that I
was probably the furthest student who used a bike to get to school. However, it didn't start well. I
had to argue with my mom about it. The reason why I decided to use my bike was that I had a
home assignment that required me to use the internet and a computer. However, I didn't have
any internet or computer at home at that time, so I needed to go to an internet cafe. This was
during the peak era of online games, and my mom knew it very well. She used to be the one
who typed all my essays in elementary school. So, she insisted on accompanying me to the
internet cafe to work on the assignment. I rebelled, and the situation got heated. My mom ended
up locking me outside, leaving me with 10 bucks and my bike. I told her that I was going to my
grandma's house no matter what. She thought I was bluffing, but my grandma's call proved
otherwise. We made up after that.

I have had a cold war with my family because I consider myself an atheist. As a religious
family, especially my dad, who is a former Frater, was not happy with my declaration. However,
with time, they have become more open-minded, and my mom has told me that she gives us
(me and my siblings) freedom as long as it's for the best and good for us. She also encourages
us to keep talking to her if we want to discuss anything.
 According to Steinberg, I have all the aspects of autonomy. I have emotional autonomy,
which means I am capable of doing things on my own, such as finishing my homework or
cooking. I also have behavioral autonomy, as seen in my decision to go to school by bike
despite the distance. Finally, I value autonomy and speak out about my beliefs to my family,
even though it caused some mess.

My parents used to be strict and authoritarian, but now they have become more
open-minded through persuasion and mature talks. I appreciate them for raising me up, as I
know being a parent is not an easy task.

Part 5: teenage development with family, friends, and school context

During my early teenage years, my relationship with my parents was complex. It was
typical for me to rebel against their strictness (although it may have been exaggerated on my
part). As time passed, they began to understand that they couldn't control me and even stopped
pressuring me to attend church (although they still ask me to come to big events). My
relationship with my parents was not as close as the one I had with my friends. I spent most of
my time with my friends and even stayed over at their homes. I used to prioritize spending time
with my friends over my family. However, now I try to balance my relationships with both.
According to Diana, my parents used to be authoritarian, but now they have become more
authoritative and understanding. It was difficult for me to express my feelings towards my
parents through letters but it is what it is right?,
 Dear Mom and Dad,

I want to apologize for being a burden and causing Mum and Dad stress. I know my
personality has not always been the easiest to deal with, and for that, I am sorry. I have been
struggling with confusion and uncertainty, and it has made it difficult for me to express myself
and make good decisions. I want Mum and Dad to know that I love you very much, and I am
grateful for everything you have done for me over the past 21 years.
I still remember how I acted when Mum wanted to help me with my assignment but I told
Mum to back off because I can do this alone. Well, that was not a complete truth. I just want to
play some games after I finish my homework. But, thanks to that I could be more brave taking
risks up until now. I also still remember how Mum and Dad lectured me about religion and stuff.
But, I’m much more than glad that I could talk more openly and comfortably but not with Dad
cause sometimes he jokes not at the right time and it makes everything worse.
Well, I know pretty well that Mum and Dad are not perfect parents and I don't believe in
perfect things cause everything that looks perfect has the biggest defects. Mum and Dad are
important to me because how am I gonna pay my tuition without you guys, and I probably
whoring online to get by with necessity. I really am sorry for burdening Mum and Dad with loads
of financial needs and making Mum and Dad disappointed because I decided to quit my safety
job. But overall, thanks for raising me because Mum and Dad are the most significant figures for
me to be human, true human.

I promise to do my best to make you both proud.

Sincerely,
Gracius Rand