This Miss Phathupats

by Juan Crisostomo Soto

1
Miss Yeyeng was an overly made-up lady. People were saying, her parents were born in one
corner of Pampanga in the smallest town there. Because of this, Miss Yeyeng who was a
Filipina from head to foot even to the ends of her hair, was Capampangan, too.

2
Her people, because they were poor were mostly vendors like Miss Yeyeng who was often
seen carrying guinatan or bichu-bicho on her head, walking to the gambling houses. For a
long while there were no surprises in the life of this miss.

3
The revolution died down. The American Military Government opened schools and chose of
their men to teach there. Meanwhile Miss Yeyeng…she was still Yeyeng then without the
“miss,” had a regular customer among the teacher-soldiers. He persuaded Miss Yeyeng to
study in the school where he taught so they could understand each other better. When they
spoke to each other the soldier had use English to Miss Yeyeng’s Capampangan. So she tried
hard to study in the school.

4
After a few months Miss Yeyeng was speaking in English and after eight months with the help
of the teacher-soldier, she went to a town where she became a teacher.

5
As a teacher she was respected by her pupils for they saw she knew more English than they.

6
Time flew like this: Miss Yeyeng stopped speaking Capampangan which she claimed to have
forgotten. Since the language was hard her tongue fumbled and she lisped badly in
pronouncing the words.

7
The crowd who recognized her when they heard her speaking winked at one another.
They changed her name and branded her with the loud and pungent “Miss Phathupats,” a
name describing her wide waist which she vainly restrained with a tight corset so that she
looked like an elongated, tightly wrapped suman.

8
From then on the name stuck and people eventually forgot “Yeyeng” her sweet nickname. The
name “Miss Phathupats” came in current use.

9
Before long the Capampangan newspaper Ing Emangabiran came out in Bacolor. At the
fiesta in the town of X, which Miss Phathupats attended, the said newspaper was being
read. This miss approached a group of readers but when she saw what they were reading
she pouted a bit, shook her head and said:

10
“I do not understand Pampango,” in Spanish.

11
“I do not understand Spanish, Miss,” a rogue countered, aping her intonation.

12
Those in the gathering smiled; but being educated, demurred so the pretty miss would not
notice. But she, suspecting that they were deriding her, went on and said:
s
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“Actually I have a hard time speaking Capampangan especially when I have to read text.”

14
In the short sentence she had to use the current words in the dictionaries in English, Spanish
and Tagalog slang which she muddled together. The listeners could not help themselves so
they laughed aloud.
15
Miss Phathupats got mad and confronted the people laughing and said:

16
“Why the reading?”

17
“Because of your gobbledygook, Miss,” was the first answer.

18
The laughter of the listeners grew louder and Miss Phathupats’ blood pressure rose higher.

19
One of them said:

20
“Do not wonder why this Miss does not understand Capampangan. First, she has long been
associating with American soldiers and secondly she is not Capampangan anymore. Proof of
this is her name Miss Phathupats.”

21
Everything now broke loose. With the loud explosion the sanity of Miss Phathupats burst and
from her mouth came out all the overflowing fire and brimstone of Vesuvius and all the dirty
words in Capampangan she spat out in a ball from her fiery mouth.

22
“Shameless, thief, murderer, son of…”, she said in Capampangan.

23
“Now! She is really Capampangan,” said one quick to react.

24
“Yes, don’t you know,” said another who knew her well, “she is the daughter of Old Stone-
deaf Godiung, my barriomate.”

25
The gathering burst out laughing. Miss Phathupats started crying and in wiping her falling
tears, her thick face powder came off. On her face appeared her true color, darker than
the duhat. The spectators laughed louder when they saw this and said:

26
“Why, she is truly dark.’

27
“Yes, she is an American Negro.”

28
Shouts, applause, laughter rose then. Miss Phathupats reached the end of her rope. She
staggered out into the street and said:

29
“I will never visit this house again.”

30
“Farewell, Miss Alice Roosevelt.”

31
“Farewell, Miss Phathupats.”
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The crowd feasted on her this way. And the poor Yeyeng left muttering, with her tail between
her legs.

33
So many are the Miss Phathupats nowadays who do not know Capampangan, or feel ashamed
to use the language once they learn to speak a smattering of English.