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ROUNTABLE: CANCELLED EDITION
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Written by

Oliver Coker
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 CELEBRITY ROUNDTABLE: CANCELLED EDITION

Five actors are sitting around a table: BILL COSBY, ARMIE

HAMMER, CHRIS BROWN, KEVIN SPACEY and MICHAEL JACKSON’S URN.
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In front of Armie Hammer is a plate with human remains on it.
He spends the entire time just eating it. A presenter is also
sat at the table.

PRESENTER
Welcome to the actors roundtable
spin off: celebrity roundtable,
it’s not just actors anymore, I
guess. Today is a special episode
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where we have five celebrities who
have been cancelled. Our first
guest is Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby smiles at the camera. Cut to Armie Hammer eating

the “food” on his plate...
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PRESENTER (CONT'D)
Armie Hammer.

Cut to Chris Brown.

PRESENTER (CONT'D)
Chris Brown.

Cut to Kevin Spacey.

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PRESENTER (CONT'D)
Kevin Spacey.

Cut to Michael Jackson’s Urn.

PRESENTER (CONT'D)
And a very special guest, Michael
Jackson.
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Cut to a full shot of the table.

PRESENTER (CONT'D)
Now let’s begin. Let’s go around
the table and discuss why you guys
were cancelled. Bill Cosby, would
you like to start?
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BILL COSBY
You see, I couldn’t have done those
extremely sexy things that they are
accusing me of doing because I am
going blind or some reason my
lawyers gave me.
(MORE)
 2.

BILL COSBY (CONT'D)

I just could not have done those
wonderful things to those women. I
would do it.

PRESENTER
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You would do it?

BILL COSBY
No, I said I wouldn’t do it.

PRESENTER
No, I’m pretty sure you just said
that you would do it, Bill.
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BILL COSBY
No. You’re putting words into my
mouth, now. Be careful before I put
something in your mouth.

PRESENTER
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What did you just say to me?

BILL COSBY
You’re making things up to
incriminate me!

PRESENTER
(to off-screen)
Let’s run that back. Can we get a
replay of what Bill Cosby said just
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before please.

We hear what Bill Cosby just said about how he would do it.

BILL COSBY
Oh, hell no, that ain’t me. You’re
putting things into my mouth now
and I don’t like that. I ain’t gay.
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PRESENTER
Moving on, how about you Armie.

Armie talks with his mouth full. In between every sentence he

starts devouring a bit of human flesh.

ARMIE HAMMER
These allegations against me are
ridiculous. I’m not a monster.
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PRESENTER
But you are eating a plate of human
flesh right now.
 3.

ARMIE HAMMER
This is my lifestyle, okay? It’s my
life. I can do what I want.

KEVIN SPACEY
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I know it’s not my turn but I would
just like to know how human flesh
is to eat.

ARMIE HAMMER
You know, Kev, it’s really great.
It is. For events like these, I’ll
eat a male’s body. When I’m feeling
sexy, I’ll eat a female’s cause I’m
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not gay
(laughing)
I don’t agree with being gay.

KEVIN SPACEY
I’m gay.
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ARMIE HAMMER
Don’t lie to me, Kev. It’s weird
though because ever since I
starting living how I truly want to
live, I haven’t gotten any jobs.

PRESENTER
Because you eat human flesh.
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ARMIE HAMMER
I think it’s because they don’t
agree with my lifestyle but I
didn’t choose this! Imagine
discriminating against someone for
something they can’t control!

PRESENTER
And you don’t like gay people?
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ARMIE HAMMER
Stop making this about gay people
for christ sake. I am a man of
Jesus and the holy spirit.

...he says as he goes crazy on a human arm. He then starts to

pick at the gaps in his teeth.
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ARMIE HAMMER (CONT'D)

You know, it does get annoying when
the little bits of flesh get stuck
in your teeth. God. It is annoying.
 4.

PRESENTER
Anyways, moving on. Chris Brown,
you’re next-

CHRIS BROWN
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Look, I never hit nobody, okay! I
am not to be compared to this
cannibal and this rapist and this
other creep and this urn. I am not
a bad guy. I would never hit a
woman.

A woman walks into frame. Chris Brown punches her before she
runs off screen.
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CHRIS BROWN (CONT'D)
GODDAMN BITCH, GET THE FUCK OUT OF
HERE.

Chris Brown calmly sits back down.

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CHRIS BROWN (CONT'D)
It’s been hard for me ever since
these allegations, which are not
true, came out. I’ve only been able
to feature on like, every album
that’s out include one by Kanye.

PRESENTER
Didn’t he take you off that?
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CHRIS BROWN
You see! My life is tough.

PRESENTER
Anyways, Jesus Christ. Moving on,
Kevin Spacey.

KEVIN SPACEY
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Yes.

PRESENTER
You responded to the allegations
against you by coming out as gay.
Is that correct?

KEVIN SPACEY
You see, I couldn’t have done those
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awful things because I’m gay.

PRESENTER
But those awful things were done to
men?
 5.

KEVIN SPACEY
I’m straight.

BILL COSBY
Why hasn’t Michael Jackson said
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anything?

PRESENTER
Because he’s an urn, Bill.

BILL COSBY
You see, I’m just a senile old man.
I didn’t rape nobody. I just simply
slipped them a lil drink that made
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it a lil easier for me to have sex
with- what am I saying!?
(laughs)
Oh, I love my life. I’m a good man,
you see.
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PRESENTER
It seems like none of you have
learnt anything.

CHRIS BROWN
Cancel culture is not a culture, it
is a cult!

BILL COSBY
They even got to my man, OJ
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Simpson.

PRESENTER
No, that wasn’t cancel culture,
that’s just anyone with a brain who
knows that he definitely murdered-

OJ SIMPSON walks into frame.

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OJ SIMPSON
Now, if you say ANYTHING that may
slander me, I will sue you.

PRESENTER
I quit. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

The presenter walks away from the table. OJ Simpson sits

down.
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OJ SIMPSON
So. How has everyone been?

ARMIE HAMMER
Good, good.
 6.

OJ SIMPSON
Damn, you eating a human?

ARMIE HAMMER
Oh right, because killing someone
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isn’t as gross as eating someone?
Get a grip, OJ, get a grip.

CUT TO BLACK. THE END.

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