Southern Leyte State University –Tomas Oppus

Sundayag Theater Group

2022-2023

“BUING-BUING”
A deconstruction of Marc Camoletti’s
“Boeing-Boeing” and Sundayag adaptation of “Tugpo-tugpa”

Written By:

The Sundayag Head Playwrights

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 CAST

❖ Bernard Labelle Cho – Patrick John Monter

A young, handsome, cunning and charismatic Parisian bachelor.

❖ Robert Castiniero – John Cloyd Rocacurva

A funny and lovable young man who happens to be Bernard’s long-time
best friend.

❖ Herbert “Bertha” Jackson – Nino Francis Bicol

Bernard’s sophisticated Mayordoma.

❖ Gloria Hawkins – Jurissa Tagaro

The kikay and narcissistic American flight attendant.

❖ Gabriella Havarotti – Alaiza Hinay

The sexy and lutang Italiana flight attendant.

❖ Gretchen Hoffman – Nikki Diez Tagbak

The Lovely and dramatic German flight attendant.

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SCENE 1
(Morning in a Parisian bachelor’s flat. Gloria and Bernard on the couch. Bernard reading the Tabloid in
his tablet, Gloria eating pancakes while watching Television beside Bernard.)

GLORIA: Bernard, darlin, do you think Ive time to eat another pancake?

BERNARD: (While reading a article in his tablet) I should think so—if you hurry... Bertha! (Calling out for
Bertha)

GLORIA: (Puts the plate on the table) I adore pancakes for breakfast, don’t you?

BERNARD: Not especially.

BERTHA: (Enters) Gitawag ko ninyo, Sir?

BERNARD: Another pancake pls para kang Gloria, Bertha.

BERTHA: Nah, wala nay pancake Sir… pan burikat na lang ug bahug-bahug.

BERNARD: Edi luto-i siya, Bertha

BERTHA: But Sir, it will take time. (Withdrawn expression)

BERNARD: (A tad bit annoyed) Kadali ra ana. Ay sigeg ngal-ngal.

GLORIA: Please, Bertie. Basin dili na ko kaabot sa eroplano.

BERTHA: (Sarcastic) Tskk, *Sighs... Yes, Madam. (Leaves)

GLORIA: (Ningbalik ug tan awg TV, Sa kalit naa syay nahinumdoman) O, I almost forgot, what time is it,
darling?

BERNARD: (Looks at his watch) It's quarter to ten, darling.

GLORIA: (Gloria cuddled closer to Bernard on the sofa) Darling, ambot lang gyud. But when I’m with you,
time just seems to fly so fast.

BERNARD: Mao ba? Ka-veyga gyud diay!

GLORIA: It’s true, Tinuod man gud. (Pabebe nga gihapak si Bernard)

BERNARD: (laugh) Gijoke ra gani ka nako (laughs)... Pero seryuso what you said is actually right, time do
really fly so fast. (ning tan-aw kang Gloria with a flirty look)

GLORIA: So it means, you also feel the same way? (Pabebe)

BERNARD: Yes, of course darling, I just said it.

GLORIA: So, mag-maoy ka kung wala ko? (Her hands on Bernard's chest)

GERNARD: Mulang?! Grabe gyud ang akong pag maoy kung wala ka diria Gloria.

BERTHA: (Enters) Here is your pancake, Mademoiselle!! (Sarcastic)

BERNARD: Oh, Bertha palihug kug another coffee pls... Thank you

BERTHA: Yes sir... (ningbalik sa kitchen to ready Bernard's coffee)

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GLORIA: Thanks, Bertie!... (Hulata sa nga makahawa si Bertha before eating the pancake) Ka-way lami ba
ani oy! Pila man ka magic sarap imong gibutang ani? (Stands to leave and sigh) Makapagbihis na nga't I
might miss the plane. (Goes for the bedroom)

BERNARD: (Stops Gloria midway because he suddenly realizes he has take note of something) Good
point. By the way, kanus-a man ka mouli?

GLORIA: (Ninglingkod balik sa Sofa) Well, it’s Saturday today. We arrive back in Paris Monday evening.
And off again on Wednesday.

BERNARD: (Gikuha ang usa ka gagmay nga notebook sa iyahang trouser and starts to jot down) Monday.
Monday. Monday. Anong oras?

GLORIA: Hmm... 6:30p.m. Local time.

BERNARD: (repeats Gloria's dialogue while jotting down the time) Excellent! So, whatever happens in
San Fracisco, mouli gyud ka sa Lunes? (Gisulod ang gagmay nga notebook sa iyahang trouser)

GLORIA: Yes, darling!

BERNARD: Good. Good. Good.

GLORIA: (Hugs Bernard) It’s so sweet how you always have to write it down.

BERNARD: Syempre, para dili ko maglibog.

GLORIA: Ug nganong maglibog man ka?

BERNARD: You know I'm a business-man, right? I have arrangements and appointments. I’m a busy man.
I’ve got work to do. I want to make sure that it’s all done by the time you get back here so I can spend
Monday to Wendesday with you.

GLORIA: You’re a genius!

BERNARD: I know!! (Boastful laugh) O, di ba nagdali man kaha ka?

GLORIA: You want to get rid of me?

BERNARD: Darling, of course not, I hate to see you go. But time passes, and planes take off. You should be
going na basin ma-late and matangtang pa ka sa trabaho.

GLORIA: (Flattered) Aawwww darling you are so very considerate, that's the reason why I love you so
much (cuddles closer to Bernard building the tension that there is something that is going to happen.).

BERNARD: For you, I’ll do everything for your sake darling, because I love you.

GLORIA: (Gikilig) Awww... (pabebe) Really?

BERNARD: (ningkatawa) Yes darling, I love you.

GLORIA: (PABEBE) So much?

BERNARD: SOO MUCCHHH!!

GLORIA: I love you too darling…

(The two are about to kiss until…)

BERTHA: (enters to break the tension of the scene) Here’s your coffee sir.

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BERNARD: (gibalik ang iyahanag composure) Ehemm...Thank you, Bertha!

GLORIA: Perfect timing kay ka Bertha! (Irritated kay wala nalahos ang ilahang flirty scene)

BERNARD: Okay, okay. You go get dressed na.

GLORIA: Right. I’ll go and get dressed. (Goes to the bedroom and leaves Bernard on the sofa)

BERNARD: (hulati nga musulod si Gloria) (Tan aw ug balik sa iyahang tablet while nakisgstorya kang
Bertha) What’s for lunch? Ari man to maniudto si Gabriella.

BERTHA: (Arranging the things on the table) Well, that’s all right then. Think I can cope with that one. But
it isn’t easy, you know. (Pitiful face) I find it very difficult to keep track of them all. (Moves towards the
center) I don’t know how you manage it. It isn’t easy.

BERNARD: I know it isn’t easy. You don’t have to keep reminding me.

BERTHA: We'll as long as you appreciate me, that's all I ask a little "APPRECIATION". (Money hand
symbol) So unsa may inyong ganahan for lunch?

BERNARD: Baw baja nimo? Ikaw may kusinera.

BERTHA: Mlle Gabriella? What about saltimbocca alla romana?

BERNARD: Mao na atong gikaon last Saturday.

BERTHA: Of course, we did. Mlle Gabriella was here last Saturday. Ingun siya nga giganahan siya sa akong
luto. (smiles)

BERNARD: ‘Nya nituo sad ka?! Wa nakay laing nahibaw-an nga lutoon? Madugay mahimo ning
saltimbocca akong nawng.

BERTHA: Alright. Due to the infrequent mass media coverage around african swine fever, I’d
consequently given a judgment on sauteeing exquisite scallops and unsalted butter together with
pungent white onion and tossed it with brisk asparagus. I’d also assented to twist it with fresh lemon zest
and advance its taste via blending a petty amount of chardonnay white wine as well as a cup of viscous
cream. How about that?

BERNARD: All right, you win. Saltimbocca alla romana

BERTHA: And what about dinner? A nice roast? Lamb, perhaps?

BERNARD: You see, it’s Gabriella for lunch, then Gretchen for dinner. She arrives at 7:06 pm. Be creative
with your dishes ayaw pud nang balik-balik okay?

BERTHA: Okay. We’ll have drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice
(red variety) and apricot sauce together with vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin
olive oil plus lychee and peach salad with sour cream cheese topped with lemon zest.

BERNARD: (Jawdrop, infuriated face) Really Bertha, kinahanglan pa gyud nimong iilaborate, God head
hurts.

YBERTHA: Okay. I see. No need to say any more. Back to sauerkraut and frankfurters. Just one thing after
another. I don’t know. (exits)

BERNARD: LAGGEHH!!

GLORIA: (enters, wearing her blue uniform and sits on the sofa) Darling, is the clock in our room, right?

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BERNARD: I don’t know, darling—but it’s nearly ten o’clock.

GLORIA: You know darling, I'm so happy.

BERNARD: Why, because you’re going?

GLORIA: Oh. Don’t be silly. No, I’m happy because they’re going to transfer me to a new aircraft. The
Super-Boeing. It’s just fantastic. Delta wings and four Rolls-Royce turbo-jets. And do you know, darling,
each jet has a thrust of nineteen thousand pounds.

BERNARD: Darling, I know you take your work seriously, but I can’t see what a thrust of nineteen
thousand pounds has to do with me.

GLORIA: Darling it means it’ll make the journey so much faster, darling. So, I’ll be here more often and we
can spend more time together.

BERNARD: (bewildered look) I see.

GLORIA: O, mura man kang naghagsakan ug langit, are you not happy?

BERNARD: I am, I am. (smiles) See? (Dak a ang ngisi)

BERTHA: (enters) Naa’y nangita nimo, Sir.

BERNARD: Who could that be?

BERTHA: Monsieur Castin.

BERNARD: Castiniero? Castiniero? I don’t know anyone called Castiniero. Oh! Robert. Robert Castiniero.
Pasudla siya Bertha. Oh, that dear old bloody Robert.

(Bertha enters with Robert)

BERNARD: Robert, My friend! (Hugs Robert tightly)

ROBERT: Bernard, My Friend!! (Hugs Bernard tightly)

BERNARD: Di ko katuo nga naa ka ron.

ROBERT: Yes, it’s been so long, I think last time natong kita is katung naa ta sa school nya nakaigit ka sa
imohang brief?

BERNARD: Buangon gyud diay gihapon ka (laughs) (suddenly drags Robert on that side and and
whispers) Ayaw takag storya diha naay naminaw. (laughs) So, How are you Robert my frend?

ROBERT: I’m fine. How are you?

BERNARD: I’m fine. How are you?

ROBERT: I’m fine. How are you?

BERNARD: Bloody Robert!

ROBERT: Bloody Bernard!

BERTHA: Bloody Mary! (To audience and exits)

GLORIA: Uhmm, Bernard? (Confused what is going on)

BERNARD: Oh, sorry, nakalimut ko. Gloria he's an old friend of mine. Robert Castiniero. And Robert, meet
Gloria Hawkins. American by birth, an air hostess by profession.
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ROBERT: Nice meeting you, Miss Hawkins. (Robert offer his hands for a handshake)

GLORIA: Nice meeting you too, Mister Castiniero (handshaked Robert).

GLORIA: Darling, I think you forgot to mention something?

BERNARD: Unsa man darling?

GLORIA: (Eye language)

BERNARD: Oh, right, yes, of course. Robert, Gloria is my fiancée.

ROBERT: (Surprised) WOW! CONGRATULATIONS! Especially you, Bernard. You’re a lucky guy.

BERNARD: Isn’t she gorgeous?

ROBERT: Not just gorgeous, she's stunning!

GLORIA: Awwww stop it, basin mulanay ko sa inyong pagkabolero (flattered)... (Goes to the center) You
know Robert you're the first best friend Bernard introduced to me. So, what brings you here in Paris?

ROBERT: Oh, you see, I’m up here on business.

GLORIA: A busy-man like my Darling Bernard. Are you going to stay in Paris?

ROBERT: I have to, pero dili pud ko magdugay diris Paris.

GLORIA: Ahhhhh okay okay, are you engaged Robert?

ROBERT: NO, no, not yet, it's a bit complicated (eheheh laugh)

BERNARD: (Realizes something and looks at his wristwatch) Oh, I'm sorry if I have to interrupt sa
inyuhang storyahanay, darling, if you don’t go soon, you might miss the plane.

GLORIA: Ayaw ko’g dali-dalia!... Besides, I’ve got to give you just one more kiss. (Flirty)

BERNARD: (to Robert) Excuse us.

ROBERT: Please. Go ahead. Don’t mind me (ning talikod then fourth wall break whispered sanaol to the
audience)

(Gloria and Bernard embrace and kiss)

GLORIA: I love you.

BERNARD: I love you too. (Gihatod si Gloria sa Front Door)

GLORIA: Goodbye, Mr. Castin.

ROBERT: Goodbye!

BERNARD: Bye, Darling

GLORIA: See you on Monday! (Blows a kiss and exits)

BERNARD: (Closed the door and ningduol balik kang Robert)

ROBERT: Kuyawa nimo dah kabingwit ug maayung isda, how to be you po Monsieur Bernard Labelle?
(laughs)

BERNARD: Anah na sya basta gwapo! (Laughs)

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ROBERT: Hambuga dah! (Laughs)

BERNARD: Well, let's have a quick drink, shall we? Whisky?

ROBERT: Whiskey, at this time of day?

BERNARD: Why not?

ROBERT: Okay since you insisted.

BERNARD: You're still the same Robert, you still never turn down someone's offer. (Get's the whiskey
from the beverage cabinet)

ROBERT: (Starts to observe Bernard's House) You know turning down someone's offer is like turning
down God's blessings?

BERNARD: Oh really?

ROBERT: Yes, indeed my friend! (Approach the forestage and survey the auditorium) Hey, Bernard what
a lovely view you got from up here, makita gud nako ang tibuok Paris and even the Eiffel Tower!
Wooowwww!!! (Improvise, improvise, improvise)

BERNARD: Oh, that reminds me, are you still in the architect business?

ROBERT: Nah, I quit, dugay na.

BERNARD: WHY?

ROBERT: Long Story, basin muabot patag 3 hours anih. (ningduol balik sa sofa)

BERNARD: Okay? (confused) (gi ready the whiskey sa sala table infront the sofa) So, Robert tell me again
what really brings you here in Paris?

ROBERT: (sigh) Bernard, I need help (cries and hugs Bernard) ... Kaslonon nako! (cry).

BERNARD: Weh! Di nga?! That's nice! Ay wait Di ba ingun ka nga dili pa?

ROBERT: Yes, I mean No, uhhmm... Basta, it's too complicated to tell you the story.

BERNARD: Who are you engaged to?

ROBERT: Si Isabel (problematic)

BERNARD: Si Isabel?! No way, really?... Katung nakaigit sa atung classroom?

ROBERT: Murag wala pud nakaigit sa classroom.

BERNARD: But she's manipulative and emotionally unstable.

ROBERT: Mao Ganih *Cries (Problemado)

BERNARD: *Sigh Robert you're still young.

ROBERT: Well, so are you. You’re young, and getting married.

BERNARD: Dili man gud.

ROBERT: Unsay dili? Ingon tong Amerikana ganiha nga engaged mo. I heard you ning agree baya ka.

BERNARD: If you want to be technical, you can say we are engaged. Yes.

ROBERT: Then you’re going to get married?

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BERNARD: No.

ROBERT: Huh? Unsa man gajud? I'm confused, Look. If you’re engaged, you’re going to get married. It’s
not only technical, it’s logical!

BERNARD: It is not. And anyway, why do you want to get married?

ROBERT: Actually, napugos ko kang ' Sabel but kung sa lain pa to, it would be nice. I mean, think of the
social advantages. Sayang pod, diba?

BERNARD: If you must get married, get married my way.

ROBERT: Your way?

BERNARD: Yes, my way (smiles toward the audience)

ROBERT: What way?

BERNARD: Polygamy.

ROBERT: Polygamy?

BERNARD: It's the ideal life - plesure, variety... It's fabulous you ought to try it.

ROBERT: Polygamy? You mean kanang daghang asawa?

BERNARD: Not wives, fiancées. You have all the advantages of married life with none ofthe drawbacks.
Fiancées are much friendlier than wives. Kung maminyo naman gud, mugawas na na ilang pagka-ungo.
Mangtas kaayo. And you don’t need all that many. I do very well with three.

ROBERT: Three?

BERNARD: Three is the ideal number. Less than three would be monotonous. More than three would be
terribly tiring. Three is the dream.

ROBERT: But Bernard, bad mana, it’s immoral.

BERNARD: Immoral? But my dear Robert, they all think they’re the only one. THEY don’t think it’s
immoral, so why should I? You’ve all the pleasures of the harem, but right here in the middle of Paris.

ROBERT: But that’s cheating.

BERNARD: Robert, cheating is an art; only when you’re caught does it become a crime. HAHAHA. Diskarte
ray puhunan ani brad.

ROBERT: But Bernard- isn’t it incredibly complicated?

BERNARD: Neeehhh, 'di man. All you need is an airline timetable. The timetables of all the major routes—
all in one volume.

ROBERT: One volume.

BERNARD: You understand?

ROBERT: Yes.

BERNARD: You don’t really understand, do you?

ROBERT: No.

BERNARD: Sayon ra man gud, even a child could see it. My three fiancées are all air hostesses.
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ROBERT: All three?

BERNARD: Yes.

ROBERT: Air hostesses?

BERNARD: All three.

ROBERT: AH, butbot. Three air hostesses?

BERNARD: That’s the trick. They are all tried and tested.

ROBERT: They’ve been what?

BERNARD: They’re hand-picked through the admissions procedures of the different companies. In every
respect! Physical, moral, intellectual, psychological. So, all the work’s done for me. I’m choosing from a
pool that has already been supersifted. Not bad, isn't it?

ROBERT: Yes. Yes. Not bad.

BERNARD: The only thing is that I have to pick them from different airlines and with different routes – so
they don’t meet. You, see?

ROBERT: Ah, yes. It all seems very well in theory, pero nacurious ko how it works out in practice.

BERNARD: You see. Gloria, my American, the one nga ning lakaw na… Well, she takes off in ten minutes…
and in a quarter of an hour Gabriella lands.

ROBERT: Gabriella?

BERNARD: My Italian. A beautiful kitten—she’ll be here for lunch.

ROBERT: Lunch? Uy, hapit na diay. Di pa lang gani to dugay nigawas ang usa.

BERNARD: Yes, it’s a bit touch and go today. Two days Gloria, two days Gabriella, and two days Gretchen.

ROBERT: Naa pays Gretchen?

BERNARD: That’s my German.

ROBERT: Gloria, Gabriella, Gretchen: An American, an Italian, and a German. It’s an international harem.

BERNARD: Exactly. Look. (ning duol sa sa side nga gibutngan sa globe) Gretchen gets in from Stuttgart
this evening; at the same time, Gabriella will be on her way to Caracas, and Gloria will be in San Francisco
—you see the science of it?

ROBERT: Perpetual motion.

BERNARD:Pure mathematics my friend, you see everything is well designed, organized, regulated, and
working to the precise second. The Earth revolves on its axis and my PPfiancées wheel above the earth,
ang usa padulong diria, and usa sama sa tuyok sa adlaw while and usa sama sa tuyok sa bulan. And here I
live in the middle of a perfect example of polygamous family life. I don’t just change women I change my
diet as well. Mura kog nagpuyo sa restaurant. So, there’s no chance of ever getting bored. Either in the
dining room or the bedroom. It’s perfect. All that’s ever done is to keep one up, one down, and one
pending.

ROBERT: But Bernard, how do you find them?

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BERNARD: I’ve had a friend who has a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend, who works in the travel
agency at Orly Airport and he knows all the air hostesses. They talk to him. They tell him their secrets—
and if he thinks they might be lonely, well, he introduces them to me.

ROBERT: Really?

BERNARD: Yes, Basin matabangan ka niya.

ROBERT: Oh no. This sort of thing’s not for me. Di ko ing-ana nga pagkataw. wala koy self-condiments,
self-condifence, conmidence

BERNARD: Self Confidence!

ROBERT: Yes, lakas ng loob.

BERNARD: Anyways the timetables are the timetables. You just have to follow them.

ROBERT: But what happens kung magkabaylo sila ug ruta?

BERNARD: Impossible. It’s all been worked out. It’s all on a schedule.

BERTHA: (enters) Will your friend be here for lunch?

BERNARD: Yes.

BERTHA: What time do you want to eat?

BERNARD: As soon as Gabriella gets here.

BERTHA: That’s a lot of help! What time exactly?

BERNARD: I’ll let you know.

BERTHA: Dapat lang. We can’t all make it up as we go along.

BERNARD: All right, Bertha. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

BERTHA: (turns at door and takes a letter from her pocket) Oh hapit nako malimtan, there’s a letter para
sa imohang Amerkana

BERNARD: Ambi daw.

(Bertha gives him the letter, and exits)

BERNARD: That woman!

ROBERT: Ing-ato gyud to siya?

BERNARD: Yes, she is. TBH, she’s good. It’s all this coming and going. She has to keep changing her style
of cooking, and I think it upsets her.

ROBERT: Kinsa man pong utok di makutaw anang imong kalaki oy. One taking off, one already airborne,
and one landing. Isn’t it at all possible that two of your fiancées might find themselves wanting to spend
the night in Paris at the same time?

BERNARD: No, impossible—because of the timetables. And even if it did happen, well I’d stay with the
one who wasn’t taking off.

ROBERT: Unya mag-unsa man tong bag-ong abot?

BERNARD: Muari siya. Bisan pa ug wa si Bertha, naa man siyay iyang yawi.
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ROBERT: Huh, naa syay kaugalingon jawi?

BERNARD: Yes, actually silang tanan naay kaugalingong jawi. And Bertha would tell her I’ve had to go out
of town on business. Inig ugma ana, ihatod nako ang usa sa airport, unya uli dayon diri sa usa. Ana ka
simple!

ROBERT: wala diay ka nahigugma nila?

BERNARD: I adore them. I can’t be without any of them!

(Bertha enters)

BERNARD: UNSA NA MAN SAD?!

BERTHA: WA! (pauses) akoa rang gibuhat akong trabaho, that’s all. Karung wala na ang imong amerkana,
usbon napud nako ning plastada sa sala para sa imong Italy.

ROBERT: (to Bernard) Nagbantay gyud diay sya!

BERTHA: That’s why I’m here, Monsieur. ‘Yan ang trabaho ko, Kung wa pa ko, ambot lang ug asa na
punita akong amo tungod anang iyang pagkababaero.

BERNARD: (Dismissive) Just tidy up and change the photographs.

BERTHA: And I’ll make up the room properly after she’s gone, before Germany gets here.

ROBERT: Tidy up. Change photographs. One after another and then another. She must be invaluable.

BERNARD: Yes. She’s always complaining but she does know the routine.

BERTHA: (enters) Human na.

BERNARD: Basin naa kay nalimtan.

BERTHA: I don’t think so.

(Gabriella enters wearing her red uniform)

GABRIELLA: Darling!

BERNARD: Gabriella! Darling! (Gestures at Robert) Oh, Darling, an old friend, Robert Castin.

GABRIELLA: (Surprised, fixes uniform, waves) Oh, ciao. How do you do, Robert?

ROBERT: Great, doing better.

BERNARD: He’s just got in.

ROBERT: He told me you were next... (stops, realizes the mistake and tries to recover) you were
COMING... that he was waiting for you, anyways how about you?

GABRIELLA: Hala uy! I’m delighted—really, I am. You’re the first friend Bernard introduced to me. (to
Bernard) Bernard, darling uhaw na kaayo ko. Fix me a drink, will you?

BERNARD: Yes, of course.

GABRIELLA: Has he told you that we’re going to be married?

ROBERT: (Almost automatically) No. (realizes quickly) Yes. He did say you were engaged.

BERNARD: Nya, ako pod siyang giingnan nga gwapa kaayo ka, di ba Robert?

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ROBERT: Mao gyud, uhhhmm… gwapa gyud diay ka in person.

GABRIELLA: I like your friend, Bernard darling. He must join us for lunch.

BERNARD: I’ve already invited him.

GABRIELLA: BONGGA!

BERNARD: And I’ve also asked him to stay here till he finds himself a flat in Paris.

GABRIELLA: (claps) Well done. You’ll be a company for him. He’s always telling me he’s so lonely and
complaining that I abandoned him for too long. (winks)

BERNARD: Tumpak! You know darling I'm absolutely lost! Without you here, I feel so alone.

ROBERT: TTTUUUOOOO!!

BERNARD: Ikaw ba’y ma in love, lalim ba.

ROBERT: Love pa more!

GABRIELLA: HAHAHA (awkward smile) Ka-funny ba uy! Ay tuod, I almost forgot, manghimasa sa ko
kadyot. I’ve just got three hours before we take off for Caracas! Which reminds me…

BERNARD: Unsa man?

GABRIELLA: They’re putting the Super-Caravelli on our route. She’s so paspas kaayo, I’ll be able to see
you more often.

BERNARD: (Nervous look) Oh, good that’s great. Really, Now, remember to let me have the new
timetables, okay?

GABRIELLA: Of course, darling. (Goes into the bathroom)

ROBERT: These planes are getting faster and faster nowadays, unsaon nimo ni pagdiskarte?

BERNARD: Oh! These things take time. They won't happen at the same time.

ROBERT: I wish.

(Telephone rings) (Bernard answers)

BERNARD: Hello—yes? Yes, I’ll hold. (Whispers to Robert) It’s Gretchen—my German.

ROBERT: But you’ve got one in there.

BERNARD: Hello, darling! You are going to be back at 11:00PM instead of 7:00PM. Yes, I got that. You’ll do
what? You’ll eat the plane? Oh, you’ll eat on the plane. That’s great. 11:00PM then.

BERTHA: (enters) Monsieur Bernard. (Stops short)

BERNARD: (on telephone) Yes, darling. Love you… yes. (Replaces the telephone) Ah, Bertha. Cancel the
frankfurters.

BERTHA: Germany’s delay?

BERNARD: Stuck in Stuttgart.

BERTHA: But I’ve bought the sauerkraut. (Sad face)

BERNARD: Too bad.

13
BERTHA: HAAAY, GINUO KO. This is no life for a maid. (Desperate expression)

(Gabriella enters from the bathroom)

GABRIELLA: Was that the telephone? (Wipes legs with a towel)

BERNARD: Yes, darling.

GABRIELLA: It wasn’t for me?

BERNARD: No—why? Were you expecting someone?

GABRIELLA: Magselos man dayun oy! They may make changes in flights—because of the weather.

ROBERT: Change in the flight?

BERNARD: Yes. They won’t alter your flight, will they darling?

GABRIELLA: No. Instead of leaving at 3:00PM, we’ll take off at 4:00PM.

BERNARD: Oh, good.

GABRIELLA: Why do you say ‘oh good’?

BERNARD: Did I say ‘oh good’?

ROBERT: Yes, ning ingon kag “oh good”.

BERNARD: Well, I said ‘oh good’ (thinks of an alibi) because I instantly realized it would mean an extra
hour with you.

GABRIELLA: Sei bello! So, who was it, then?

BERNARD: Who was who?

GABRIELLA: On the telephone. It wasn’t another woman?

BERNARD: How on earth could it be another woman! You know I adore you. Don’t I, Robert?

ROBERT: Oh, of course, you do.

GABRIELLA: Cross your heart? Mother-Father die? Liars go to hell?

BERNARD: Yes. Yes. Yes.

ROBERT: (whispered) Sunog na imong kaluluwa buddy

BERNARD: Saba diha

GABRIELLA: Por pabor?

BERNARD: Nothing darling

GABRIELLA: (ning duol kang Bernard) Alright. So, you can tell me.

BERNARD: Tell you what?

GABRIELLA: Who was it?

BERNARD: It was a wrong number.

(Gabriella sees the letter.)

14
GABRIELLA And what’s this? It’s addressed to Miss Gloria.

BERNARD: Letter? I don’t know anything about a letter.

GABRIELLA: So unsa ni? Niabot lang nig kalit? Poof, it became Koko Krunch?

(Bertha enters)

GABRIELLA: Morning, Bertha, how are you?

BERTHA: Mao gihapon. Yaya ninyo, nag-antos.

GABRIELLA: Nag-antos sa unsa? Gimaltrato ka?

BERTHA: Nag-antos sa ka-gwapa ba. Like you.

BERNARD: Unsa napud diay tuyo nimo Bertha?

BERTHA: Human nakog andam sa inyong paniudto sir.

GABRIELLA: Grazie, Oh, by the way Bertha. Can you tell me what’s this? (Holds up the letter)

BERTHA: A letter…

GABRIELLA: I can see that, but it’s addressed to a Miss Gloria Haw- haw....

ROBERT: Hawkins!

GABRIELLA: Yes, Hawkins! Kaila ka anang bayhana?

BERTHA: Nope. Di mi friends sa Facebook, di sad nako na follower sa Twitter or Instagram. Maybe the
concierge downstairs. Niingon man syag something about a letter na nakuha nako. Basin mao ni sya.

BERNARD: We all make mistakes, Bertha.

BERTHA: If you’d like to give it back to me, Mlle, I’ll slip it downstairs after lunch.

GABRIELLA: Grazie, Bertha. You’re a marvel. You run the flat as if it were your own.

BERTHA: That’s right Mlle. But it isn’t easy. (exits)

BERNARD: I agree my dear.

ROBERT: Family life noh? It’s a wonderful thing.

GABRIELLA: You’re right, Robert dear. You ought to try it.

ROBERT: Unta (😅)

GABRIELLA: (Checks watch) Mio dio. It’s already twelve o’clock… (stands to leave) We must hurry. Let’s
have lunch.

BERNARD: (Stops Robert by the door) So, you see how it’s done?

ROBERT: Yes, yes wonderful.

BERNARD: (To the audience) Come and eat, Italian cuisine today. (Sinister smile)

ROBERT: Bloody Bernard!

BERNARD: Bloody Robert! (Both exits laughing)

15
Scene 2
(Afternoon, there is no one on stage. The telephone rings. Bertha enters and answers the phone.)

BERTHA: Hello? Yes, that’s right. No, wala siya diri run. It’s Bertha. Oh! It’s you, Mlle Gretchen! You’re in
Paris? Already? Kasayo c eh? Ahhhhww, okay, yes, oh, I see, right, right. Well, then, see you later. (She
hangs up. Doorbell rings) Hay ginoo ko!!! Kinsa napud ning spidnoha nih... All this coming and going. Dili
nani sya makatarungan I demand a raise sa akong salary. (Improvise a rant here) (Robert enters with his
suitcases)

ROBERT: (naglisud) Patabang ko?

BERTHA: dili diay ko?

ROBERT: Dios mio,dili man lamang ka kamao muabi-abig amigo sa imong amo?

BERTHA: Basin demonyo.

ROBERT:Unsa?

BERTHA: WALAA!!

ROBERT: Bertha, patabang ko beh, I’m a guest. I have been invited; you know? (ning-hangyo)

BERTHA: Dini hotel, you know?

ROBERT: Well, I don’t know? (ginaog ug gipahiluna ang iyahang luggage)

BERTHA: It’s not human! Monsieur Bernard sige siyag pang-imbitar, kaliwa’t kanan, ako kanunay ang
mahago. Ikaw, imong gamit, ug karun si Germany.

ROBERT: Di pud kareklamador noh? Nya,unsa naman to si Germany?

BERTHA: Kaestorya nako siya ganina sa telepono.Ingon siya she’s on her way na.

ROBERT: Ja, unsa may naa ana? Ning gikan naman pud si Gabriella.

BERTHA: Kabalo man ko, unya ning ingon ang Germany nga mag puyo siya diria tulo kaadlaw, thinking
it’ll be a nice surprise for Monsieur.

ROBERT: For me?

BERTHA: FEELINGON. For MY Monsieur.

ROBERT: Oh, Right, So,unsa’y naa if tulo kaadlaw si ja diria?

BERTHA:Dili man si eh ko affected, pero mubalik naman gud to si Mademoiselle Gloria sa lunes.

ROBERT: Sus, ajaw kabalaka anah. Sabado paman tarun. Bernard will have plenty of time to work
something out… Ay, tuod asa diay nako ibutang ang ako ang mga bag?

BERTHA: Ibutang lang gud diha.

ROBERT: Oh, Sigeh (gikuha ang bag paduol sa door1) Diri? (Points to door 1)

16
BERTHA: Dili diha, mao nay kwarto nila Monsieur Bernard ug iyahang mga asawa.

ROBERT: (Padulong sa door2 nga tapad sa door1) diri?

BERTHA: Stock room na!!

ROBERT:Ingun ka, bisag asa, asa man jud?

BERTHA: Bisag asa lageh unya ganahan ka matulogsa stock room? Abi pala man gimaltrato tika.

ROBERT: Suko ka?

BERTHA:Panguta na pud noh?

ROBERT:Nangutana baja ko... Asa man gajud ko nimo ibutang?

BERTHA: Dira. (Points to Door5)

ROBERT:Thank you very much Bertha. That’s very kind of you. (sarcastic) (crosses to go out Door5)

BERTHA: No, it’s not. I’m just doing what I’m told.

ROBERT: Ayo kay! (MadiTone)

BERTHA: Edio kay! Jesus, Santa Maria inahan sa kanunayng panabang gikapoy najud ko aning kinabuhia.
(irritated)

ROBERT: Gikapoy man kahaka, edi pangita nag laing trabaho!

BERTHA: (kahilakon) Look Monsieur, I’m a cheerful soul at heart. I like a bit of fun, I like it here, but
kaning lugara? Abot langit najud akong pag-kabwiset. Unsa man imong ma-expect aning domestic
service? I mean there’s no honor in being a maid: there’s dignity, but no honor. (ning talikod kang Robert,
atubang sa audience)

ROBERT: (quite realized ang kahago ni Bertha and felt sorry for it) *sigh, I'm sorry Bertha, I didn't know
na napuno najud diay ka.

BERTHA: Napuno najud ko, dili man dapat ingani, kabalo ka? (Nag-mmk si Bertha) When Iw as a little girl
ning ingon ang doctor sa akoang mama- (a voice suddenly says this line)

A voice out of nowhere: "She's a great trier,but dili kusgan ang imong anak, so be careful nga dili siya
mahago.

ROBERT: (samtang nagtalikod si Bertha nakurat si Robert nga dunay tingog nga ningstorya out of
nowhere, so he tried to look around his surroundings.)

BERTHA:So, I try to be careful, but my body Is very feeble, it gets tired, it wear sout. Mao nang ikaw
nalang akong pahagoon sa imong bagahe. (Nag-moment)

ROBERT: Uhhhhmm…Bertha kaning Well, if you’ll excuse me, Musulod nako ha. (Proceed sa door5) See
you later. (murag nahadlok)

BERTHA: Oh, has Sir had enough of me?

BERTHA: No Bertha, not at all...hehehehe

BERTHA:Gikapoy na baka sa akong mkk?

ROBERT:Dili…

BERTHA: Maayo, maayo.

17
ROBERT: Dili madawat imong estorya sa MMK!

BERTHA: UNSA?! (Furious, gukdon si Robert)

ROBERT: WALAAAA…BYEEEE!! (Dali- dali ningsulod ug gisulod ang bag sa kwarto ug paspas ang pag
sarado sa portahan sa Door 5.)

BERTHA: (Paggukod na abtan nga nasirado na ang portahansa door 5) (nasuko kay wala na niya naapsan
si Robert) (Katulo manungo) Mugawas gani kang animala ka diha malechon jud kanako.
AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!! (Improvise a rant here while exiting to the kitchen)

(exits)

GRETCHEN: BERNARD LIEBBBLLLINNGGGG!!! I’M HOOOMMMEEE!!!!

(Silence ang ning salubong kang Gretchen)

(Natingala si Gretchen kay wala’y ning-salubong niya)

GRETCHEN: Where did everybody go? Ay basin wala ra siya makadungog, balikon daw nako.

(She shouts again)

GRETCHEN: BERNARD DARLINGGG!!! I’M HHHOOOOMMMEE!!!! (wala gihapoy ning tubag)… Balikon
nalang didto sa portahan. (Ning balik siyag gawas)

(Bertha enters again kay magstart siyag hinlo and organize sa mga gamit.)

(But while cleaning, Gretchen suddenly appears out from the front door shouting…)

GRETCHEN: DARRLLIIINGGG!!! I’M HOOOMM- (Wala na nadayon kay nakurat si Bertha)

BERTHA: JESUSMARIAJOSEP!!! (nakurat) DIOS MIO!!! MANGURAT MAN KA MADAME GRETCHEN!!!

GRETCHEN: Ay sorry Bertha, wala man gud kanako nabantayan, hehehehe. (apologizing)

BERTHA: (masuko unta but back to composure) Anyways, welcome back madame Gretchen.

GRETCHEN: Thank you Bertha, you know I came as fast as I could. If you only knew how happy I am to be
home.

BERTHA: Maklaro man.

GRETCHEN: Tuod, where’s Bernard?

BERTHA: Wala siya diria run, naa siya’y gilakaw.

GRETCHEN: But he’ll be back in a minute?

BERTHA: (Ning action lang nga wala syay sure.)

GRETCHEN: Are you sure Bertha? (Sad expression)

BERTHA: (Ningyango lang)

GRETCHEN: (started to cry)

BERTHA: (giamam si Gretchen) There, there madame Gretchen don’t cry. Naa lay gamay nga gitrabaho si
monsieur Bernard ayaw na kahilak kay mouli ra lageh toh.

18
GRETCHEN: I thought my plan of surprising him will be perfect, nya wala man diay siya diria.
(ninghagulhol)

BERTHA: Okay rana madame Gretchen. (Giamam)

GRETCHEN: Okay? Unsay, okay? You don’t understand anything Bertha. The feeling of being alone and
missing someone. Every time I look out of the porthole and stare at the stars dancing and the pale full
moon out there in the sky. I always ask myself, is my darling Bernard happy? Does he mention me to his
friends? Does he always dream of me every night? Does he (pauses) still love me? (cries) you don’t
understand everything Bertha, you don’t understand. (cries)

BERTHA: Murag wala jud koy nasabtan (kinda irritated)

GRETCHEN: You don’t know how madly, deeply, and poetic I’m inlove with Bernard. The only thing that
keeps the love alive Bertha is… (gikuha ang kamot ni Bertha ug gibutang sa iyahang breast while gibutang
sad ni Gretchen ang iyahang kamot sa breast ni Bertha) You keep the flame of love burning in his heart!

BERTHA: Mao bah? (Nakurat then the uncomfortability nga nay ning gunit sa iyahang breast)

GRETCHEN: We are woman Bertha – capable of great passion. (gibuhian ang breast ni Bertha)

BERTHA: It’s very nice of you to say so. (gigunitan ang iyahang breast)

GRETCHEN: I love him so much! Every time I come home, I seem to love him more, and every time I go it
just tears me tiny pieces. (ninghapa sa floor then ninghilak)

BERTHA: (suddenly realized nga ang gihapaan ni Gretchen kay ang hugaw nga carpet nga wala niya
malabhan) (tries to stop Gretchen from hapa hapa sa floor) Ayyyyyy uuummm... (kinda reluctant)

GRETCHEN: (Wala naminaw kay nag moment)

BERTHA: (gisulayan ug pahunong si Gretchen) Ayy Ma'am...

GRETCHEN: Ayaw ra ko samoka kay nag moment ko diria... (ninghapa hapa siyag balik)

BERTHA: Madame kaning wala raba nako na malabhan nang carpet nga imong gihapa hapaan.

GRETCHEN: (Gretchen realizes then slightly naulaw sa iyahang gibuhat so, ning tindog siya gitarong iyang
kaugalingon nga murag walay nahitabo) Uhhhhmm murag feel nako need na nakog pahuway run noh?
(awkward)

BERTHA: Uhhhmm bitaw madame. (awkward)

GRETCHEN: Kaning mag andam nalaman siguro ko noh?

BERTHA: Maayo pa Madame, kay murag (gisinghot) nanimaho ka ginagmay.

(Gisinghot ni Gretchen iyang kaugalingon)

GRETCHEN: Bitaw no? Naa kay point, kay any minute by now muabot naman pud to si Bernard... I
surprise nalang nako siya nga ning abot nakog fresh, clean and ready to rumble. (nakahinong ug bag o
nga idea to surprise Bernard) Salamat kaayo Bertha for giving such a brilliant Idea, I think I have to be
going na (almost walks until she suddenly realize nga magpapalit diay siyag sigarilyo kang Bertha) Ay oh,
Bertha,

BERTHA: Yes madam?

GRETCHEN: I forgot to buy cigarettes while gapadulong ko diria, can you please buy me a cigarette?

19
BERTHA: Straight Away - I'll be back in five minutes.

GRETCHEN: You're a lifesaver Bertha, Thank you, Auf Wiedersehen!!

BERTHA: Bitteschö n madame Gretchen. (Hulata sa nga musarado ang pintu sa door 1 usa mulakaw
padulong sa front door.)

(Gretchen exits sa door #1 while si Bertha Exits siya sa padulong sa front door...)

(After seconds of silence)

(Hinay hinay nga muabri ang door 5, ug sa dihang ning abri ni hinay hinay nga ming-lili si Robert. Gitan
aw niya ang tibuok set before nga sya mugawas nga dunay dala na tuwalya ug sabonera, gihinay hinayg
sirado ang portahan ug sa dihang na sirado na, he tiptoed paadto sa center sa living room, lingi gamay left
and right gibantayan kung wala naba si Bertha)

ROBERT: (gitawag si bertha katulo, gi assure kung wala naba siya, kay wala may ningtubag narelieve
siya) (villainous laugh) hehehehe… sa wakas wala si Bertha makaligo jud kog hapsay *sighs ay tuod
akong shaving cream nakalimut ko.

(ningbalik paadto sa door 5 but sa dihang iyaha ning abrihan na realize niya nga lock angportahan. So he
tried nga abrihan kini, pero bisag unsahon dili sya maoopen. Hangtud nga kikapoy siyag saktoha nga naa
siya’y nakitan nga shaving cream ibabaw sa small cabinet nga duol sa portahan sa bathroom. Iyaha ning
gikuha ug gisulayan kung naa bay sulod. First attempt walay ning gawas nga cream, second attempt wala
gihapon, third attempt iyahang ni gitan aw duol sa iyahang nawng accidentally he pressed the release
button sa shaving cream and now the cream was all over his face. He quite panicked from what, so
ninglingkod siya sa sofa and take his towel to clean the mess nga naa sa iyahang nawong. Gretchen comes
out of door #1 and not recognizing nga si Robert to, so she throws herself at him and kisses Robert.)

GRETCHEN: Bernard Liebliing!!! You’re home.

ROBERT: Oh God!! *SHOCKED

GRETCHEN: *SHOCKED

(After the 5 second silence and staring to each other mushagit ang duha)

ROBERT: (tungod sa kakulba he accidentally throws off his lap si Gretchen)

GRETCHEN: AAAGGGGAAAYYY!!

ROBERT: (back to his senses he gasped and rushed quickly to help Gretchen) I'm really sorry
madamemoiselle, are you okay?

GRETCHEN: (gitabangag barog ni Robert) It’s okay you we’re shocked mao nang nabuhat to nimo, sorry
pud diay (gihikap hikap ang sampot kay sakit) Btw, what are you doing in my flat?

ROBERT: You’re flat?

GRETCHEN: Yes, my flat.

ROBERT: Don’t you mean Bernard’s flat?

GRETCHEN: Pareho rana, mine or Bernard’s it still the same thing.

ROBERT: Okay, kung mao nay imong gusto, anyways ako diay si Robert, Robert Castin amigo ni Bernard.

GRETCHEN: Oh? Nice to meet you Mr. Robert Castin. (handshakes)

20
ROBERT: Nice to meet you too Ms?

GRETCHEN: Gretchen, Gretchen Hoffman a German air stewardess and Bernard’s Fiancee.

ROBERT: Oh, so ikaw diay tong beautiful and buotan nga german nga gihisgot ni Bernard sa akoa?

GRETCHEN: Hala, really? he said that? How divine c eh. (flattered)

ROBERT: You know kanunay ka niyang imention.

GRETCHEN: AWWWW (flattered) tuod, how come you are here when he’s not-

ROBERT: Here? Well nagsabut man gud mi ganiha – he told me to wait for him while he’s on –

GRETCHEN: Business…

ROBERT: Yes, Business! How did you know?

GRETCHEN: Bertha.

ROBERT: Aaahhhh… Anyways I just arrived - you, see? – I’m on my way unta to Aix to visit my uncle’s
home.

GRETCHEN: In Aix?

ROBERT: Yes, in Aix

GRETCHEN: Really? Sa Aix jud?

ROBERT: Lageh, balik balik? Me and my relatives lives in Aix.

GRETCHEN: That’s marvelous!!

ROBERT: Ngaman?

GRETCHEN: My mother lives in Aix.

ROBERT: Oh really? That’s nice!!

GRETCHEN: She lived there for years, btw asa man dapit imong uncle sa Aix?

ROBERT: Duol sa train station, number 27.

GRETCHEN: You mean the Bahnhofstrasse?

ROBERT: The Bahnhof what?

GRETCHEN: Bahnhofstrasse.

ROBERT: OH, you mean katung train station?

GRETCHEN: Yes, you know my mother’s house is on the corner of Friedenstrasse

ROBERT: Frieden what? Frieden.... frieden.. Fried Chicken?

Gretchen: (Laughs) Oh Mr. Castin, you are such a joker, but it's Friedenstrasse. Have you not heard of it?

Robert: Nope, I thought nga mao nay term sa ChickenJoy adto.

Gretchen: No! and impossible pud ug wala ka kadungog ana, it's the next street down from the
Bahnhofstrasse.

21
Robert: (nervous) Well, possibly so....

Gretchen: (assured) Oh come on Mr. Castin, I know you know it!

Robert: I know it! I just can't pronounce it.

Gretchen: Oh, well I'm sure na kahibaw ka sa Eskina ni Napoleon?

Robert: Napoleon?

Gretchen: (sighs) you're not trying, arent you?

Robert: I am trying!

Gretchen: Napoleon. the chap on the horse? Does it ring any bells?

Robert: I have never seen nor heard of that fellow in my entire life!

Gretchen: Liar!

Robert: Okay Look, I'm telling you the truth, the whole truth. My family has lived all their lives in Aix! Naa
koy papers ug credentials to prove my claims. My Great Grandfather made olive and sunflower oil. My
Grandfather made almond oil and my uncle made wallnut oil. What I'm trying to say is, My family
supplied oil to tibuok province! But I personally, wala pako naka adto.

Gretchen: (confused) Huh? oil? province? Wait, Province?

Robert: Yes, Province baya ng Aix, diba?

Gretchen: Oh? but, I was talking about Aix-la-Chapelle in Germany.

Robert: And I was talking about Aix-en-Provence in France.

Gretchen: (giggles) Obviously.

Robert: So, both of our families are from Aix, pero dili parihas nga lugar?

Gretchen: I suppose so. I really am sorry Mr. Castin, na hot seat nuon ka nako.

Robert: Well, I too am a little disappointed.

Gretchen:(worried) Oh? I really am sorry for my behaviour, mapasaylo ba kaha ko nimo?

Robert: What? No, it's not like that, what I meant was, I would be absolutely delighted and honored to be
your neighbour. mao nang na disappoint ko.

Gretchen: Oh, you are too kind (giggles)

Robert: (Flustered) Ahy, not at all, Mademoiselle -

Gretchen: Gretchen, you may call me Gretchen, let's just skip the formalities shall we, after all you are the
best friend of my Darling Bernard.

*Offers a hand to Robert*

Robert: Oh, well then, you can call me Robert Downey Jr.

*Robert reached her hand to shake*

Gretchen: Hah?

Robert: (Confused) Robert Downey Jr.? The American actor? Wa ka kaila ana niya?
22
Gretchen: Kinsa mana?

Robert: Si Iron Man ba sa Avengers!!

Gretchen: Ahhhh siya, ikaw diay to? gwapo man lage to siya?

Robert: (interrupts) Just call me Robert nalang hah? okay? okay...

*Both laughs awkwardly and broke the hand shake*

Gretchen: (laughs) you really are very funny Robert, by the way, how are you?

Robert: How am I? kulbaan basin imong e sulti ni Bernard nga nag kiss ta.

Gretchen: What? Why would I say that? It was only by mistake.

Robert: Yeah, unfortunately you're right.

Gretchen: Yes, a Mistake....but a Kiss all the same.

Robert: Don't worry. I won't say a word. Besides, even if dili to made by mistake, dili pud ko mu sulti niya
oy.

Gretchen: Thank you, pero if dili pud to by mistake, di pud ka nako kisan noh.

Robert: Yes, and mistakes like that, well, dili man na siya counted, It was so sudden. Nakalimtan naman
gani nako ang nahitabo.

Gretchen: Didn't it mean anything then?

Robert: Hmm, well, *ning talikud si Robert to contemplate the situation* you didn't give me much time to
process it. And wala man say anticipation kay mao mana ang thrill sa kiss. So...

Gretchen: (confused) So?

*Robert Grins, then turns around to face Gretchen*

Robert: So, to ensure my complete silence and my absolute discretion, kisse kog balik.

Gretchen: Hah? Another Kiss?

Robert: Yes, another kiss. Because I really liked the first one.

Gretchen: Natural, It’s the element of surprise Robert. Wala man ka nag expect nga naay mu kiss nimo,
maong gi ganahan gyud ka.

Robert: Hmm...Yes, pero it was an unfair surprise.

Gretchen: How so?

Robert: Well, because it was so sudden, wala nako na enjoy full benefit completely. Pero if it's okay with
you to do it again...

Gretchen: Again?

Robert: Just one more time. *Gives the number 1 hand sign*

Gretchen: But *Turn her back on Robert* it would be awful of me to do it again! I'd have no excuse for my
mistake this time, and the worst part is, I'd regret it for the rest of my life!

Robert: Okay, let's not exaggerate things.

23
Gretchen: *shot a pissed look towards Robert* I see you do not know the German Soul.

Robert: Uh, no... not very well.

Gretchen: *Sighs* Mao diay, no wonder you could say such thing with ease, wa man diay kay alamag
unsay Good ug unsay Evil.

Robert: *Scoffs* Hah! Evil? wa ka kahibaw na when you get married, you'll have to kiss all of Bernards'
Friends?

Gretchen: Well, yes, pero dili sa lips oy! and anyways, when the bride kisses the friends of the Groom,
buhatun na niya while nag tan.aw ang Groom.

Robert: Wow, really? I never thought that was quite fair. But still, there are particular circumstances. For
example, kaning situation nato.

Gretchen: *confused* I fail to see how our case is special. In fact, I think na ma guilty ta dapat. Besides, we
are all alone in my fiancé's flat and...

*Roberts cuts her off*

Robert: Please don't make a tragedy out of it. Dili naman sad na kaayo importante.

Gretchen: Then why are you insisting?

*Robert thinking of an excuse*

Robert; Because both our families are from Aix.

*Both have a Short Pause, then burst into laughter*

Gretchen: But not the same Aix. Dili gyud parihas ang lugar nato!

Robert: Sig Aix-Aix, puro lamang Aix. Can't you allow yourself one innocent kiss?

Gretchen: You started it with that lame excuse of yours, and it would be the second.

Robert: Dili to counted ang una, that was just my way of saying hello.

Gretchen: You really are very incorrigible.

Robert: And you are really beautiful.

Gretchen: *Hesitates* But I'm engaged to Bernard.

Robert: *In an exciting tone* Exactly! wa nakay chance, and neither will I. You see, tanang tao nga naa sa
karun France, everyone kisses each other at the drop of a hat and way pake ang mga tao. No one cares at
all! So, while naa ta anhi, why don't we be like the French? After all, France is a great country.

Gretchen: So is Germany. *(She kisses him abruptly then breaks off* You, see? Germany is a great country
too.

Robert: *With a big smile on his face* What, wait! Arang ka pinakalit pud to oy, asa man ka padung?

Gretchen: I'm leaving you; basin imo napud kong dad.un sa imong sales talk.

Robert: Hah? unsay sales talk ba? gi unsa man pud ka naho pag sales talk aber?

Gretchen: Oh, I don't know, basin mag himo-himo kag istorya nga "Anhi sa France, fiancées always kiss
their fiancée's best friend twenty-five times in the mouth" or something, not gonna happen!

24
Robert: Oh? really? Now that you mention it, naa bitaw ko nadunggan about...

*Gretchen cuts Robert off*

Gretchen: No! Shut it! this is wrong, what you're doing is wrong!

Robert: Or, you're just afraid na ma convince nasad ka nako.

Gretchen: No... pero I gotta say naa kay advantages. You're charming and rather funny, mao nang I need
to be careful... I love Bernard with all my heart, and I don't want us doing something that might hurt him,
gets? Auf wiedersehen. *Headed straight to Door #1*

Robert: Gretchen.

*Slams the Door shut. Bertha comes in with cigarettes*

Bertha: Here we are Mad, *scans the room* asa raman to siya?

Robert: Si kinsa man?

Bertha: *Observes that Robert seems a bit down and gave him a judgemental look* Mademoiselle
Gretchen, she told me to bring her cigarettes. Did she arrive already?

Robert: Ahh, yeah, nagkita mi ganina.

Bertha: *Still with that Judgemental look* Oh really? Is she in the bedroom then?

Robert: Yes, she is.

Bertha: *Again the Judgemental look, then dramatically faced away from Robert* Fine.

*She goes towards Door #1*

Robert: Bertha?

Bertha: Unsa man?!

Robert: Suko?

Bertha: Di halata?

Robert: Ahhhhmm Bertha, UHhhhmmm Kning … Okay rag ako mu hatag niya?

Bertha: *Looks of Judgement* Ikaw?

Robert: Yes me?

*a quiet pause* *repetition is applicable*

Bertha: Ahhhh, nag ka istorya namo noh?

Robert: *stutters and nervous* Yes. We have.

*Bertha gave Robert a look of suspicion while Robert was too nervous to maintain eye contact*

Bertha: Okay, I suppose it's alright if you gave this to her, at least naa kay mabuhat anhi bisag gamay. *She
gives him the cigarettes*

Robert: Marlboro Ice Blast?

Bertha: Yes, problem?

25
Robert: Yes, I mean No, of course it's all right. Nothing wrong nor a problem at all.

*Bertha gave him the look of Judgement again. Robert nervous to make eye contact*

Robert: *Breaks the silence* Okaay, I think I can manage, Salamat Bertha.

*Bertha still doesn't move*

Robert: Bertha, wa nakay laing buhatunon?

Bertha: Well, as a matter of fact, at this very particular minute, moment, second, Wala Monsieur.
*Sarcastic Smile*

Robert: Okay, well, see you later *motions to exit*

Bertha: Does Monsieur wish me out of the way?

Robert: *Nervous and Stutters* What? No, dili man gud, you see....

Bertha: Hmm I see, very well, I see you want me to go away. Then go away I shall.

Robert: No. I don't care ug unsa imo buhatun, pero way buhatunon nga angay buhatun ani.

Bertha: No, not here, nor there, nor anywhere.

Robert: Oh, wala man diay, then find something

Bertha: *Cleans an unseen smudge on the coffee table while giving Robert the look of Judgement*

Robert: *Sighs* What are you really doing Bertha?

Bertha: Nothing Monsieur, how about you?

Robert: *Stutters* Nothing!

Bertha: Nothing?

Robert: Bahala naka anha oy. *Exits towards Door #1*

Bertha: *Stands up then Shouts* Bertha Understood the Assignment!

Robert: Unsa?!

Bertha: Oh, nothing Monsieur, Enjoy *Sarcastic Voice and Smile, then exist towards the Kitchen*

Robert: Kulbaan laman sad ta ani *Clears throat then knocks on Door #1*

Gretchen: What is it?

Robert: It's me, Robert.

Gretchen: NO! I'm resting, leave me alone!

Robert: I've got cigarettes for you.

Gretchen: Oh? nganung naa mana nimo? asa si Bertha diay?

Robert: She's, she's busy mao nang namalihug siya nga ako ang mu hatag nimo.

(Fourth Wall break "Cap" or "Lies")

Robert: *Confused* dis.a man gikan ning mga tingog oy!

26
Gretchen: Ah, okay...

Robert: *clears throat* So, may I come in?

*There was a brief moment of silence, then, the door unlocks*

Robert: *Enters the room raising his hands in surrender* Here you go, *gave her the cigarettes and sat on
the bed besides her*

*A short pause*

Robert: *Breaks the silence in an awkward way* So, Marlboro Ice Blast, right?

Gretchen: Oh no, no! You're not starting that again! *Stands up and pushes Robert out of the Bedroom*

Robert: Woy Gretchen, what did I do? Woy *while being pushed by Gretchen*

Gretchen: You should die of shame! *Shoves Robert out of the door*

Robert: *Rolling out of the door, the door slams behind him, just as Bernard entered with Gabriella*

Gabriella: Oh, ciao Robert, nag unsa man ka diha?

Bernard: *Helps Robert up* Robert, we just got back and you're here lying on the floor? Naunsa man ka
oy.

Robert: *Still stunned by seeing both of them* You? you're here? again?!

Gabriella: Si. They've transfered me to the Super-Caravelli, and she's so fast now with the new engines,
we can fly non-stop. So, I don't need to leave until tomorrow.

Robert: *Nervous* Oh? good.

Gabriella: Fab, eh?

Robert: *stutters* Fab, yes. Really fab.

Bernard: So, here we are.

Robert: Yes, I can see that

Bernard: Robert? Is something wrong?

Robert: Wrong? something's wrong?

Bernard: Halata kaayo wala ka nahimutang, what worries your old friend?

Robert: Worried? ako worried? wa oy, wala, basin ikaw worried.

Bernard: Robert...

*Gabriella cuts off Bernard*

Gabriella: What is the matter? aren't you happy to see me again?

Robert: Yes. YES! Of course, I am. I am delighted to see you here, again.

Gabriella: Really? that's good to hear, you know what Darling, how about we go out for dinner tonight, the
three of us, hmm?

Bernard: That sounds like a splendid Idea. As a matter of fact, I've been thinking about this new place
near Germain-en-Laye, or maybe we can go somewhere...
27
*Robert cuts Bernard off*

Robert: That's outstanding! An absolutely marvelous idea! Saint-Germain-en-Laye. Yes, very nice!

Gabriella: But why Saint-Germain? okay naman ko bisan anhi lang ta sa balay.

Bernard: Well, Saint-Germain, or somewhere else. It would make a nice change for you.

Robert: I agree, the country air in Saint-Germain is so good, plus ang view adto, totally perfect for a
dinner date for two.

Gabriella: Two? dili ka mu uban namo? Robert no, it would be awfully mean to leave you here all alone.

Robert: Oh, don't worry about me. You go on ahead, ma third wheel napud ko ninyo, besides, I'm used to
being alone by now. So why don't you two go straight off into the country right now?

Bernard: *Confused* Right now? mao pa gani pag abot namo? we'll go later, after dinner nalang, about
*checks watch* 23:00 hours, eleven o'clock.

Robert: NO!

*Bernard and Gabriella both shocked*

Benard: No? What do you mean no? what's gotten into you today, Robert, we have time, no need to hurry.

Robert: *stutters* I mean, oh yes!

Gabriella: *confused* What do you mean, "oh yes?"

Robert: Oh yes! Oh yes! I mean, diba mag dinner mo sa country? Imagine both of you, eating the tree, ay
este, eating under the tree, surrounded by flowers, little rabbits, at this time of year, arang ka Idyllic
kaayo diba? di dapat ma miss or mag langan!

Gabriella: Yes, it does sound nice, pero mas prefer nako to just stay here, at the comfort of our own home.

Bernard: Darling, how about ani, we’ll have dinner here, and then spend the night in the country. It's best
for both of us to get some fresh air, so lakaw nata after para makaabot ta adto by eleven.

Robert: No! *Clears throat* I mean if I may suggest, you go now Bernard, being early can do you better, an
amazing amount of good! As the saying goes, "The early bird catches the worm", by the way Gabriella,
you're looking a little pale.

Gabriella: Ako? *Checks mirror*

Robert: Yes, you are definitely looking pale.

Gabriella: Oh, it's nothing, I'll go redo my makeup. *Stands up and head towards Door #1*

Robert: No! No!

*Gabriella stops in her tracks*

Bernard: What? What is it?

Robert: No need na nga mu redo siya sa iyang make up, she was just sitting in bad light ganina. Now I can
see you properly, hey, hoy, hoy! you're looking absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriella: Awww grazie Roberto, pero I think a little touch of powder. *Starts walking to Door #1*

Robert: *Defending the door* No, no. I assure you, no need of any touches, you are perfect as you are,
Lovely as always.
28
Gabriella: non è un tesoro, vero Bernardo?

Robert: Hah?

Bernard: She said that you are a good man, aren't you?

Robert: Aw, *laughs awkwardly* more than you think.

Gabriella: But don't you know, Roberto, it's a woman's right to make up her face before dinner?

Robert: Yes. Other women perhaps, pero ikaw? no need na, because you are just sensational! you are
superb! and an absolute miracle!

Gabriella: Woah! What is this? a declaration of love?

Bernard: Yes, you're getting in a bit of a state old friend, kalma sa.

Robert: Hah? kalma raman ko, I'm just saying na the way you both look is as if mag dinner mo sa country,
which you should go, now.

Bernard: He's right you know

Robert: *relieved* Thank you, thank you...

Bernard: ...about the night, anyway... adto nata before eleven.

Gabriella: What's gotten into you today? and ikaw Bernard, I thought you said na dili ka ganahan sa
countryside?

Bernard: Yes, that is true. Usually I hate it there, but...

Robert: But you're so wrong!!!

Bernard: As I was saying, yes, it was wrong of me. Mao ng if naay time and kung naay opportunity...

Robert: A perfect opportunity!!!

*Bernard shot a fierce look towards Robert*

Gabriella: You know what? You both are starting to make me think na di mo ganahan nga anhi ko mu stay
for the night?

Robert: What? no! it's not like that

Bernard: Yes, what on earth do you mean by that, nag hunahuna ra siya nimo.

Robert: That's right, nag hunahuna rako nimo, ug niya pud, basically ninyong duha, nag hunahuna ko
ninyong duha.

Bernard: Of course, now that you mention it, nindut bitaw, sleeping with the windows open, listening to
the wind rustling the chestnut trees...

Robert: Yes! the whole package, so much good!

Bernard: Yes, exactly, we'll leave at about eleven o'clock.

Robert: Now! go now! ayaw ug langan. every second of greenery does you good and if ma miss nimo one
second could be fatal... for your health, you could die!

Bernard: I think you are being a bit exaggerated Robert, chill sa gud, mu adto lage mi after dinner.

29
Robert: No, I'm saying all this for both of you, need na gyud ninyo mu adto para maka spend time mo ug
tarung before Gabriella's flight

Gabriella: Aww, that's so sweet of you Roberto, bene, you've convinced me. Before we go, I need to redo
my makeup first. *Walks towards the door again*

Robert: No!

Gabriella: Scusi?

Bernard: Ka hasul ba, let her do what she wants Robert, you should never contradict a woman, you
should know that

Robert: Yes, you should.

Bernard: And why would you dare to contradict a woman?

Gabriella: Si, Perché?

Robert: *thinks of an excuse* You're really making this very difficult Bernard; you should really try and
understand.

Bernard: Understand what?!

Gabriella: Si, Nemmeno io capisco!

Robert: Can you please stop speaking in Italian, wa ko kasabot sa imong gi istorya

Gabriella: Mas wala ko nakasabot nimo

Robert: You see, pag abot nako anhi, Bernard offered me this room, yes, that's right.

Gabriella: Bernard, offer you, our bedroom? *Looks at Bernard with confusion*

Bernard: Did I say that?

Robert: You did! You said, "You can use my Room for the meantime while I have Bertha clean one of our
rooms"

Bernard: Yes, but wait a minute, wala ko ning ingun nga...

Robert: Bernard!

Bernard: What I said was...

Robert: Bernard! Would I lie to your old friend?

Bernard: No, but you must be confused. kwarto na namo ni Gabriella.

Robert: That's what I said to you too, pero ning ingun ka nga "You can use this room para while waiting
for your proper room, you'll feel perfectly at home"

Bernard: Wa ko kahinumdom ning sulti ko nimo ana.

Robert: Then you've got STML

Bernard: STML?

Robert: Short Term Memory Loss

Bernard: Right, pero this is different, Gabriella is here, so you'll have to give us our room back.

30
Robert: No! no no no

Bernard: What?

Gabriella: Perché no?

Robert: Seriously, stop that, and to answer why, nagkalat akong mga gamit sa sulod, personal stuff and
what nots, so It's kinda embarrassing to at least let you guys’ in.

Gabriella: Then I wouldn't look at them. simple.

Robert: Maybe, pero still it's embarrassing. Put yourself in my position. Nag unpack nako sa ahong mga
gamit, personal na gamit like shoes, underwear, hygiene kits and all that nag kalat sa sawg, and to let you
in and see how messy your room is. That's really inappropriate and rather discouraging.

Gabriella: All right, all right, if that's how you feel.

Robert: Thank you for understanding Gabriella, by the way, I think Bertha has finished cleaning the room
I'm staying in, how about you use that one for now while ahong limpyohan ang inyo kwarto and mag
ready napud para mu balhin?

Gabriella: Alright, I guess it's fine. Really Bernardo, you have the most extraordinary friend. (Takes her
Alitalia shoulder bag and goes to Door#5)

Bernard: Are you out of your mind?! What's wrong with you?!

Robert: And Gretchen? ang German nimo? Have you forgotten her?

Bernard: Of course not! wala paman siya mu abot, unya pang eleven.

Robert: Weh? Di mo sure?

Bernard: Basin ikaw ang nakalimot, ni tawag baya siya saying she would be coming home late?

Robert: Yes, and while you were out, ni tawag siya ug balik saying she was going to be early.

Bernard: Hah? sure oy! How early?

Robert: How early? Naa na siya diha! (Points to door #1)

Bernard: Hah?! Well, why didn't you say something, you idiot?

Robert: Wow, Idiot? ako? sige unsaun man naho pag istorya nimo? sa atubangan sa usa? I've spent ten
minutes trying, struggling to get you to go out for dinner. But you (points at Bernard) oh no, don't get me
started about what you've put me through.

Bernard: Well, unsaun man pud naho pagkahibaw?

Robert: Oh, I don't know, how about trying to read the atmosphere in the room?! That's it, di nako, it's too
much, too much for me to handle.

Bernard: Yes, okay, gets na naho ang situation

Robert: Karun paka?!, You should be grateful for my efforts in saving you and your "Ideal Life" but no,
instead you shouted at me and called me names!

Bernard: No, Robert, look...

Robert: Yes, you did. You turned on me.

Bernard: No, Robert, you know I would never do that.

31
Robert: Well, you just did. (Robert gets his coat, hat, and umbrella from the stand and was prepared to
exit)

Bernard: Robert, calm down please, look I'm sorry, I didn't understand the situation, okay?

Robert: No, really, I've had enough. Bahala naka sa pag manage sa imong international harem, exit nako.

Bernard: Robert please, no need to get worked up in this situation.

Robert: Worked up? wala man ko na worked up, I'm perfectly calm and I know what I'm doing. I'll be
going now.

Bernard: You wouldn't do that.

Robert: Yes, I would.

Bernard: Come on, na stuck nako sa ing.ani nga situation and you're not gonna at least try to help me?

Robert: Help you? I did my part Bernard, and unsay nakuha naho in return? Insults! bahala naka, I'm
done!

Bernard: Look, Robert, I'm sorry, okay?

Robert: Way mabuhat ang sorry nimo, I'm still going, goodbye!

(Bernard grabs Robert by that hand ang hold him in place by the shoulders)

Bernard: I apologize for the way I treated you Robert, Robbie, Bobby, Bob. I really hope you can forgive
me.

Robert: You apologise?

Bernard: I apologise.

Robert: Sincerely?

Bernard: Sincerely.

Robert: Bisan pag mawa ang imong harem?

Bernard: I would never trade you for any international women my friend.

Robert: Alright, I'll stay. (Puts his stuff back on the stand)

Bernard: Thank you, old friend.

Robert: Don't thank me yet, naa patay gusot nga kinahanglan tarungon.

Bernard: Right, what do we do? karun pani nahitabo sukad².

Robert: Well, I'm amazed, pero we need to keep calm Bernard. Let's try to sort things out.

Bernard: Unsaun man?

Robert: Alright, I have an idea. You get out of here with Gabriella as fast as you possibly can, without
making any suspicious aura. Ako ray bahala ni Gretchen.

Bernard: That's Genius Robert! You look after her, and I'll take Gabriella to Saint Germain. Tomorrow
morning she'll fly off and everything will be back to normal.

Robert: Hehehe, for now.

32
Bernard: What? what's wrong?

Robert: Well, um, please do make sure nga ugma mu sibat nas Gabriella, because...

Bernard: Because what?

Robert: Because Gretchen is staying here for three days.

Bernard: WHAT?!!

(Gretchen comes out of the Bed Room)

Gretchen: Bernard liebling! you've come back!

Bernard: Well, yes - I have - just now.

Gretchen: I am so happy I could sing!

*Gretchen was going to sing when Bernard stops her*

Bernard: Eh no no need to sing my love, and I'm happy to see you too, but now, I'm afraid, I have to go out
again.

Gretchen: What? no!

Bernard: I'm sorry, bawi nalang ko nimo ugma okay?

Gretchen: No, I'm coming with you

Bernard: Oh, as much as I want to, but it can't be done.

Robert: Can't be done.

(Gretchen shot a death stare at Robert)

Gretchen: Look, do you mind?

Bernard: I guess you two have met?

Gretchen: Yes! yes, anyways, please uban ko nimo.

Bernard: No darling, It's a business thing.

Robert: Business thing.

Gretchen: Lä sst du uns bitte in Ruhe? (Will you please leave us alone?)

Robert: Again, with the language barrier

Gretchen: Leave us alone, can't you?

Robert: Me?

Gretchen: Yes. Go to your room.

Robert: My room?

Gretchen: Ja jetzt! (Yes, now)

Robert: English!

Gretchen: Now!

33
Robert: Alright, *grumbles* go to your room, murag mama naho

Bernard: Darling, don't be like that to him, he's a friend, he won't be in the way.

Gretchen: But he will

Bernard: He won't and I've got to go now.

(Bertha Enters)

Bertha: Welcome back Monsieur Bernard.

Bernard: Thank you Bertha.

Bertha: Mademoiselle Gretchen gave you quite a surprise.

Bernard: Mulang

Bertha: Diria ka manihapon Monsieur?

Bernard: No, no I can’t make it Bertha. Robert will be dining with Gretchen, if that’s all right, darling?

Gretchen: Without you?

Bernard: But I’ll be back right away…Well, as soon as I can.

Gretchen: Di ko manihapon kung wala ka.

Bernard: But darling you have to, basin mapasmo ka.

Gretchen: All I want is just you Bernard Liebling; you don’t know how I really miss you.

Bernard: I know darling how eager you are, so am I but I have to finish my work first. (Giam am si
Gretchen) … Ani nalaman, how about… (whispers sa ear ni Gretchen)

Gretchen: (shocked in excitement and ningtan aw kang Bernard nga naay something is happening)
Really?

Bernard: Yes, and I could also… (Whispered again kang Gretchen)

Gretchen: (shocked with an excitement tone sa iyahang voice) Ikaw gajuuuuddd (hapak pinabebe) I think
I’ll just have a bath and wait for you in bed.

Bernard: Much better Darling (Flirty look)

Gretchen: I love you (fixes Bernards tie or kwelo)

Bernard: I love you too, cgeh na you should go na and take a bath darling… I’ll give you a kiss before I go.

Gretchen: Oh yes darling… (walks toward the Bathroom but stops midway kay naay isulti) Oh I forgot to
tell you diay,

Bernard: What is it?

Gretchen: You know, I’ve got three whole days to spend with you! Splendid, isn’t it?

Robert: Oh, that’s bad…

Gretchen: What?

Bernard: Yes! How splendid it is darling can’t wait (ningtan aw kang Robert)

34
Robert: I’m so happy for everyone

Bernard: Cgeh na darling ayaw na paglangan langan diha you should take a bath na. (He semi-pushes
Gretchen padung sa Bathroom) Have a nice Bath!!

Gretchen: I won’t belong

(She goes at the bathroom and the door shuts at the moment Gabriella comes in from the bedroom)

Gabriella: I knew I was right – I looked an absolute fright.

Bertha: (She Screams)

Gabriella: (She Screams also)

Bernard & Robert: (They scremed)

Bernard: Wait…wait…aysa, why are we screaming?

Bertha: (at the brink of hyperventilating) Oh, oh, oh Mademoiselle you’re here?

Gabriella: Yes, Bertha…As you see…I don’t take off until tomorrow.

Bertha: Tomorrow? Oh! Monsieur…Mademoiselle is still here too? (She turns and gestures towards the
bathroom)

Gabriella: Too? Why “too”?

Bertha: I mean kaning, kaning, kaning… Si Monsieur ug Monsieur…you know…kaning kaning kaning…Oh,
Monsieur. (Collapses)

(Nakurat ang tulo kay kalit nakuyapan si Bertha.)

(Gitabang si Bertha sa tulo)

Robert: Daliiii…Hatagi ninyo siyag tubig

Gabriella: (Ningkuha ug tubig sa may beverage table) She looks as though she’s had a shock. Here, drink
this. (Gabriella accidentally gives her a whiskey instead of water)

(ning inom si Bertha nya kalit lang nga gibugahan si Robert)

Robert: Is this whiskey?

Gabriella: Mi Dispiace.

(Ning tan aw si Robert kang Bernard, nya gikataw an ni Bernard si Robert kay nabugahan sya ni Bertha)

Robert: (To Bernard, giving charge) Leave her! J-j-just leave her!

Bernard: Eh?... Oh yes! Yes, On it… Let’s go darling! (Bernard took Gabriella by hand)

Gabriella: (shocked) Go, Where?

Bernard: Somewhere…

Gabriella: Huh?

Bernard: Dinner obviously! Al Fresco!

Gabriella: Huh? Why? Diba ingon ko nimo nga I’d rather stay here?

35
Bernard: Yes! But I like the fresh air, the scenery, the the restaurants, it’s just that kalaagon ko run.

Gabriella: Then kung kalaagon ka, kalaag lamang ug imoha. Your friend can keep me company.

Robert: Ako?

Gabriella: Yes, You

Robert: Naa man pud koy lakaw run.

Gabriella: Unya si Bertha?

Bertha: Okay ra ko! (Raised a thumbs-up)

Gabriella: Are you okay Bertha?

Bertha: A little better Mademoiselle, it’s just all this coming and going. Basin na overwork ra ko.

Gabriella: Do you feel strong enough to cook dinner?

Bertha: You want to eat here?

Gabriella: Yes

Robert: No

Gabriella: Yes

Robert: NO

Gabriella: Pahapak ka? YEEESSS!!

Bernard: And off we go (took her by hand)

Robert: And I should go! We’re going to be doing… Going out!

Bertha: But Monsieur just told me nga diria ka magkaon? (To Robert)

Robert: I think I changed my mind.

Robert: So, what's for dinner?

Bertha: Frankfurters

Gabriella: What?!

Bertha: It’s nothing to do with me. I don’t make up the menu, I just carry out orders.

Gabriella: Did you ask for Frankfurters?

Bernard: Yes – no – Si Robert ang ning-order.

Robert: Me?

Bernard: Yes, diba ingun kaanako nga after ka ning adto didtoa you’d never eat anything else?

Robert: Asa man?

Bernard: Frankfurt!

(Pause kadali and a fourth wall break will shortly explain the Frankfurters)

Fourth Wall Break Voice: Sa mga wala kabalo ug nakaila sa Frankfurters it’s a German Hotdog.
36
(Resume sa scene)

Robert: Oh yes, Frankfurters

Gabriella: But haven’t you got anything Bertha?

Bertha: Sauerkraut.

Gabriella: But I hate Sauerkraut!

Robert: But why sauerkraut is a lovely dish! (Lying bisag wala pagyud sya katilaw sa sauerkraut)

Gabriella: I detest that dish.

Robert: Oh really? So off you go to Saint Germain?

Gabriella: Huhhh…

Bernard: Yes, tara na?

Gabriella: All right, no need to go into all that again – you win. We’ll go out to Saint Germain and come
back here after dinner.

Bernard: Tan awon laman nato… Anyways ta na kay gigutom na kaayo murag kakan onon npud kog…

Gabriella: Aren’t you coming with us Monsieur Castin?

Robert: Yes!

Bernard: No, He’s staying here

Robert: No, I ‘d rather stay here

Gabriella: So, dili najud ka mulakaw?

Robert: We’ll no, unya paman pud ko mulakaw.

Bernard: Nice, so off we go! (Took Gabriella by hand padulong sa front door)

Gabriella: Oh, my shoes! (Ningsulod sa door 5)

Bernard: Oh, my God! (Door 5 slams shut)

Gretchen: (Coming out from the bathroom) Bernard, I can’t find my loofah!

Robert: Shhh!

Gretchen: What?

Robert: Keep your voice down, He’s got a headache.

Bernard: Unsa?

Robert: Naa kay headache?

Bernard: Naa koy headache?

Robert: Yes!

Bernard: Oh!

(Gihapak si Bernard sa ulo)

37
Bernard: Oooooowww my head my head, I think I have a headache.

Gretchen: My poor darling – I know what you need… I’ll get an aspirin for you.

Bertha: Paapil pud ko.

Gretchen: Hmmm?? Basin nay aspirin anih nga room? (Goes toward the door 5)

Robert: NO

Bernard: NO

Robert: NO

Bernard: NO!!!

Robert: I know, what about a bath?

Bernard: Buang, human na siyag naligo

Robert: Have another one!

Gretchen: I’ve not had one yet.

Robert: Exactly, Sulayi day kay ingon baya Ligo is sweeter the second time around!

Gretchen: Ligo? Isn’t it love?

Robert: Pagdali kay basin mubugnaw ang tubig

Gretchen: How did you know nga init ang kinaliguan?

Bernard: Enough with the talk I think he’s right! Dali ra kaayo mubugnaw ang tubig ari Darling.

Gretchen: Huh? But?

Bernard: No buts… dapat I assure nako nga fresh ka para unya.

(He pushes paadto sa Bathroom and she goes in at the moment Gabriella ccomes back with her bag
Bernard continues, but in song)

Bertha: Monsieur, do you mind nga muinom ko?

Bernard: No, Go ahead.

Robert: Paapil ko Bertha.

Gabriella: What happened?

Robert: Oh, don’t worry, mura lang kog kalipungon gamay.

Bertha: (hands Robert a drink) Probably a storm coming

Robert: Any minute by now.

Gabriella: Naay bagyo run? So, dili nalaman ta manlahos Bernard Darling!

Bernard: Malahos ta, because we’re going to storm Saint-Germain, and you don’t want to miss that!

Gabriella: Mio Dio!!

Bernard: Ladies first!

38
Gabriella: See you later everyone! (Gabriella exits)

Bernard: I’m right behind you darling!

Robert: Sa wakas, Bernard keeps her at Saint-Germain.

Bernard: Don’t worry ako’y bahala, she gets back here over my dead body. What a mess, I think I'm
having a panic attack!

Robert: Bernard whatever happen Don’t panic (Slaps Bernard hard)

Bernard: Aray, sakita atu uy

Robert: Sorry napalibaan

Bernard: Anyways, Thanks ikaw xad.

Gabriella: Bernardo! (Calling Bernard sa gawas)

Bernard: Coming!

(Ning gawas si Gretchen sa Bathroom)

Gretchen: Init paman ang tubig.

Bernard: Ahw atung huypan.

Gretchen: Mulakaw naka?

Bernard: I’ll be back. Naa man pud si Robert and he’s charming. See you soon! (Kisses her sa iyahamg
aping)

Gretchen: See you soon!

(Bernard exits and Gretchen goes back sa bathroom)

Bertha: Well done Monsiuer. I’d go a long way to see something like that again. Congratulations, cheers!

Robert: Cheers.

Berthe: We’ve earned this.

Robert: We certainly have.

(The telephone ring, Bertha answers)

Bertha: Hello? Oh, Hi Mademoiselle Gloria! How are you? What? Storm over the North Atlantic? Stop?
Turning back stop? You will be in Paris at 10:00? You mean tonight 10:00 pm? Anything Else?... Love and
kisses, Mlle Gloria. (She hangs the phone) Did you hear that?

Robert: Every word.

Bertha: Tagay, cause we’re having a bumpy night!!!!

SCENE 3
(Gretchen comes out of the dining room followed by Robert) (Naglalis ang duha sa dihang ning gawas)

ROBERT: Yes, yes… say what you like. Basta para sa akoa bug at ang Sauerkraut sa tijan, okay?

39
GRETCHEN: Dili man gud!

(Bertha enters with a coffee)

BERTHA: Ganahan mog kape madame?

GRETCHEN: No, Bertha kabalo kang dili ko hingapi right?

BERTHA: Very well, Mademoiselle.

ROBERT: Bertha pede akoa nalang na? Murag urumon ko aning Sauerkraut (gikuha ang coffee sa tray)
salamat.

BERTHA: Robert it’s nearly 10:00. (whisper)

ROBERT: I know, that’s why we need to hurry (whisper)

(Bertha exits)

GRETCHEN: You know, if you’re trying to annoy me by insulting German food, I might as well tell you that
it’s pointless. You’re wasting your time

ROBERT: I’m not insulting anything. I’m saying nga dili lang ko into sa pickled cabbage.

GRETCHEN: First thing I want you to know, lang ha, it’s not pickled cabbage it’s Sauerkraut, and Second
Sauerkraut is an outstanding dish. In fact, we eat it throughout the country, which proves that people like
it.

ROBERT: I’m not saying people don’t like it, Akong pasabut is dili lang ko ganahan kay bug at siya sa tijan,
okay?

GRETCHEN: Look lami man gud na siya basta paresan nimog wine.

ROBERT: Lami lageh pero bug at lageh gihapon sa tiyan.

(Bertha enters napud)

BERTHA: Naunsa mang naglalis naman nuon mo sa pagkaon, tuod Monsieur imna na nang kape samtang
init pana para mahilisan ka dayun.

ROBERT: Thanks, sa advice Bertha.

GRETCHEN: Bertha?

BERTHA: Yes, Madame?

GRETCHEN: When did Bernard say he’d be back.

BERTHA: Uhhhh? (Gestures to Gretchen saying nga wala sya kabalo)

GRETCHEN: Sani bang?

ROBERT: Naa man gud syay gibuhat and he-

GRETCHEN: Dili ikaw akong gipangutana si Bertha.

ROBERT: Ay okay!

GRETCHEN: So, tell me Bertha kanus a man muabot si Bernard? (Gets Irritated)

BERTHA: Well…

40
GRETCHEN: Well?

BERTHA: Well, I know when Monsieur Bernard went out. But I don’t know when he’ll be back until he’s
back.

GRETCHEN: You sure?

BERTHA: Yes, Indeed I am Mademoiselle.

GRETCHEN: *Sighs Thank you Bertha (Sad)

BERTHA: Sorry kaayo Mademoiselle, dili man gud magpahibaw si Monsieur Bernard kung mulakaw siya
he wants everything to be private labaw na sa trabaho. Anyway, its 10:00 you better get rest M’lle basin
pagmata nimo naa na si Monsieur.

GRETCHEN: Naa kay point Bertha, I think I better rest nalang *sigh good night ninyong duha. (Exit
padung sa door #1 nga dunay mix of exhausted and sad expression sa iyahang face)

ROBERT: Luoya c eh ni Gretchen.

BERTHA: How pitiful.

ROBERT: Yeah.

BERTHA: Anyways back to work.

ROBERT: (Robert stays for a second then realized) Uy ay sa hulati sa ko.

BERTHA: Pagdali diha.

(They quickly cleaned and changed everything including the photos until)

(Door Slams Offstage)

GLORIA: BERNARD!!! (offstage)

(Nan-dako ang mata sa duha sa dihang nadunggog nila ang tingog ni Gloria)

ROBERT&BERTHA: PATAY! (wala pa sila mahuman sa paghipos)

(nagdali-dali ang duha sa paghipos)

BERTHA: Nahipos na nimo ang pictures?

ROBERT: Human na!

BERTHA: Sure ka?

ROBERT: LAGEH!!

BERTHA: Ang picture dapit sa may front door?

ROBERT: Unsa nga Front door?

BERTHA: ANG FRONT DOOR!!

ROBERT: ANG FRONT DDOOOOOOORRRR!!!

BERTHA: DALLLLIIII!!!!

(Robert ran as fast as he could to get the picture frame nga naa dapit sa may front door)

41
(Gloria enters in uniform)

GLORIA: Hi!

ROBERT: Hi! (gitago ang picture frame sa iyahang likod)

BERTHA: Good Evening, Mademoiselle

GLORIA: Good Evening, Bertie. Oh, it’s nice to be home again.

BERTHA: So, what happened sa imohang flight Mademoiselle?

GLORIA: It was terrible!!

BERTHA: Terrible?

GLORIA: There was a storm over the North Atlantic and we had to go back.

ROBERT: That’s terrible.

GLORIA: But you know I’m glad.

BERTHA: Glad?

GLORIA: I’m glad because I had another whole night at hooommee!!!

ROBERT: That’s really terrible!

GLORIA: What?

ROBERT: Nothing

GLORIA: Where’s Bernard?

BERTHA: He had to go out.

ROBERT: On business.

GLORIA: *Sigh not for long I hope, tuod, unsana?

ROBERT: Unsay unsa?

GLORIA: kanang imong gigunitan?

ROBERT: Naa diay koy guginitan?

GLORIA: Kana diay nga naa sa imong likod?

ROBERT: Wala raman nih.

GLORIA: Kung wala ngano itago man?

ROBERT: Unsay gitago?

GLORIA: Unsa lageh na?

ROBERT: Wala lageh

GLORIA: Unsa lageh bah?

ROBERT: Wala ra lageh ni

GLORIA: Dili ko buang ha Robert, pakit a ko unsana (Gisulayan ug kabot)

42
ROBERT: (trying his best nga dili makuha ni Gloria ng picture frame)

GLORIA: For god’s sake ayaw rag luhag! (trying her best nga makabot ang picture nga naa sa kamot ni
Robert)

(Until she finally snatched the picture frame from Robert’s hand)

(She checked the photo and kalit ra sya na shock sa iyahang nakita)

(Same goes with the two they were shocked sa dihang nakita nila ang shocked nga face ni Gloria)

(Ming tan aw si Gloria sa duha and then)

GLORIA: (Breaks the tension) Gwapa lageh ni siya…No? Gwapa sya?

ROBERT&BERTHA: (Ningyango lang silang duha)

GLORIA: Pero mas gwapa pa ko niya, here’s your photo Robert (gibalik ang photo frame kang Robert
dayun lakaw paadto sa may sofa with her bag) Haaayyyyy kakapoy ba!!

(ningduol si Bertha kang Robert gikuha ang photo frame sa iyahang kamot)

GLORIA: How have you got on since I left this morning?

ROBERT: It’s been quite dull really.

GLORIA: Cosy here, isn’t it? Home sweet home. Everything’s so calm.

ROBERT: Calm, yes? Really calm isn’t it Bertha?

BERTHA: Calm as calm can be.

GLORIA: *Yawn I’m famished, kinahanglan na nako magpahuway (gamay nga stretch stretch, tindog then
paadto sa door#1)

ROBERT: Where are you going?

GLORIA: Magpahuway

ROBERT: Opposite! Opposite!

GLORIA: What do you mean, “opposite”?

ROBERT: Go in the room opposite

GLORIA: Huh?

ROBERT: HAKDOG!

GLORIA: WHAT?

ROBERT: Akong pasabot is diria ka nga room magpahuway.

GLORIA: But my room - Bernard’s and mine - is this one.

ROBERT: Yes, I know I know… pero gihatag naman niya ni nako?

GLORIA: What?

ROBERT: Yes, he said…

BERTHA: Yes, that’s true.

43
ROBERT: He said, “Since Gloria’s in America, and you’re my best friend, you can have my room.”

GLORIA: Oh!

BERTHA: Yes, He’s right that’s what he said.

ROBERT: Mao nang ning balhin ko diha

GLORIA: Well, move out again because I’m back!

ROBERT: NO, no can’t be done.

BERTHA: That’s right can’t be done!

GLORIA: Sani bang? Listen! I’m back. Give me back my room!

ROBERT: Oh no, you have to wait till Bernard’s get back!

BERTHA: Yes, Monsieur Bernard gives orders. If I were you, I wouldn’t cross him.

GLORIA: This is unbelievable! Kinsa man diay ang matuman sa balay?

ROBERT&BERTHA: Ang Laki!

GLORIA: No, it’s not! It's the woman!

ROBERT: Oh, come on

GLORIA: And I happen to be the mistress aning balaya, you know where I came from the woman gives the
orders. And the man his mouth shut. He obeys with no arguments.

BERTHA: No argument?

GLORIA: Yes, no argument! The man makes the money and the woman is the brains. That's how it is in
New York, So pasudla nako sa akoang room kung dili ka ganahan makatilaw'g kumo run.

ROBERT: Oh no, you can't

BERTHA: Yes, you can't

GLORIA: Nganu napud xad?

ROBERT: Kaning wala pa nako mabalhin ang akong gamit

BERTHA: Ug wala pud nako mahinloan ang room

GLORIA: So, what I don't care! Look at you two, I really want to get some sleep.

ROBERT: (Gibabagan si Gloria nga makasulod sa door)

GLORIA: *Shock (infuriated face) How dare you?

BERTHA: (Gitabangan si Robert ug babag sa door #1)

GLORIA: *Shock (infuriated face) And you too?

(Nag-patintero ang tulo)

(hangtud nga nakarealize si Gloria nga gidulaan ra diay siya sa duha)

GLORIA: STOOPPP!! Stop!

44
(ninghunong ang duha unya nagpadaplin)

GLORIA: I'm tired of this child's play!!

ROBERT: (Musulti unta siya pero gibabagan dayun ni Gloria)

GLORIA: NO!

BERTHA: (Musulti pud unta but gibabagan pud dayun ni Gloria)

GLORIA: Not even from you Bertha! (padulong sa door #1) All I want is just a goodnight sleep. Is it hard–
(suddenly out of nowhere her stomache started to rumble so loud.)

(She slowly turns around nila Robert and Bertha, ningtan aw pud sila Robert ug Bertha kang Gloria, while
having a small stare down Gloria smiles awkwardly sa duha.)

BERTHA: You want something to eat madame?

GLORIA: What’s the menu for today’s vidyow Bertie? (Smiled awkwardly)

BERTHA: Frankfurters. Prime quality.

ROBERT: And Sauerkraut.

GLORIA: Ay wala lain diha?

BERTHA: How about a pudding perhaps?

GLORIA: Whipped cream?

BERTHA: I think naay whipped cream nga nabilin sa fridge.

GLORIA: Perfect! A whipped cream and sauerkraut pls Berthie.

(A sudden sound can be heard from the door #1 and the 3 was shocked for a moment)

GLORIA: What’s that sound?

ROBERT: What sound?

GLORIA: That one coming from the door

BERTHE: (Took her hand nervously) Can’t be done. Come with me adto kitchen mademoiselle and we’ll
sort things out.

ROBERT: Yes, yes, yes… Basin tungod rana sa gutom.

GLORIA: I do, I heard it- (na unag exit padung sa kitchen)

(Gretchen enters from Door #1)

BERTHE: (exits) Sauerkraut and whipped cream coming uuupp!!

GRETCHEN: What!?

ROBERT: Oh yes, please, Bertha, I love more sauerkraut and whipped cream?

GRETCHEN: (slams the door) Youu!!! (ningduol) how dare you murder my favorite food!... aaarrggghhh!!!
(Exit padulong sa front door bringing her yellow trolley)

ROBERT: (giapas si Gretchen padung sa front door) Wait, wait, aysa!

45
GRETCHEN: Oh no, leave me alone. I don’t trust you at all anymore. Pahawa ra diha!

ROBERT: Asa man ka padung?

GRETCHEN: Out!

ROBERT: HUH?

GRETCHEN: Out, mulakaw, muhawa, muchupina! Is that clear?

ROBERT: But but Bernard just told me nga bantayan ka.

GRETCHEN: Unsa? Bantayan ko? Unsa ko bata? Hawa diha basin masumbagan kanako.

ROBERT: Nya, unsa may iingon nako kang Bernard?

GRETCHEN: BAW NIMO, IKAW NAY BAHALA!!

ROBERT: But, but, but?

GRETCHEN: But but ka diha… basin I baseball bat tika diha kung di ka muhawa!

(While fighting with Robert, Gretchen suddenly saw the Navy-blue Philippine airline trolley)

GRETCHEN: What’s that Philippine Airline bag doing here?

ROBERT: What bag?

GRETCHEN: That bag? (Points at the bag nga naa sa likod ni Robert)

ROBERT: (Shocked) Oh this? It’s nothing (smiled awkawardly)

GRETCHEN: Unsay nothing? (Nag suspect nga naay something nga nahitabo)

ROBERT: I mean it’s mine… Yes! It’s mine, akoa na nga bag… You know, keeping my little things in.
(nangitag lusot)

GRETCHEN: Oh really? (Glared at Robert nga nagsuspect)

ROBERT: (Gikulbaan) Yes, yes, yes.

GRETCHEN: mmm Philippine Airlines? Why Philippine Airlines?

ROBERT: Why?

GRETCHEN: Yes, why?

ROBERT: Huh? I don’t get it.

GRETCHEN: Let me educate you lang ha, you know if you’re Bernard’s best friend you’d keep your little
things in a Cebu Pac bag.

ROBERT: Huh? Kay ngano man? Why would I do that?

GRETCHEN: It’s because mas nindot ang Cebu Pac nga bag kesa Philippine Airlines.

ROBERT: Huh? Cebu Pac man or Philippine Airlines it’s still the same, BAG gihapon nah!

GRETCHEN: (nasakitan sag iingon ni Robert) Anah jud mo mga laki, mga insensitive, unthinking,
unpatriotic!

(She exits padung Front door just as Gretchen exits, Gloria returns from the kitchen with Bertha.)
46
GLORIA: You are amazing Berthie, that’s why favorite jud kanako! (ning Smile kang Bertha nga plastic)

BERTHA: Thank you mademoiselle! (Smiled back kang Gloria nga plastic)

GLORIA: (nakit an si Robert nga gigunitan iyang bag) What are you doing with my bag?

ROBERT: What?

GLORIA: Bungol ka? What are you doing with my bag?

ROBERT: Uuuuuhhhhmmm… kaning nindotan lang ko sa imohang bag like as in ganahan kaayo ko sa
iyahang color. Like oh my god! It’s so pretty talaga. (nagbinayot)

GLORIA: (Quite disgusted nga nag binayot si Robert) Okay, you put it down nah, Bertha mamalihug ko sa
akoang bag pls.

BERTHA: Right away madame!! (ningduol kang Robert dayun ilog sa bag then balik kang Gloria arun iuli
sa iyaha ang bag)

GLORIA: Thank you Berthie.

(Ninglakaw padulong sa couch dayun lingkod nga murag reyna)

GLORIA: Bertha!

BERTHA: Yes, Madame?

GLORIA: A scotch please. (Giving orders)

BERTHA: Yes, Madame! (Ning exit adto sa kitchen)

(Sa dihang ning exit na si Bertha sa scene, Gloria initiates a little discourse with Robert)

GLORIA: So…

ROBERT: So? …

GLORIA: So…

ROBERT: So??…

GLORIA: SOOOOO…

ROBERT: SOOOOOO???…

GLORIA: So, have you thought about it?

ROBERT: Unsa man?

GLORIA: What I was saying is about the bedroom…

ROBERT: Bedroom?

GLORIA: (Sarcastic shock) You forgot na dayun? About sa bedroom? You know ganiha ra gajud ko…
(shows Robert her hands fisting, giving a sign nga nasuko siya.) So, have you thought about it?

ROBERT: (Frightened) Uhhmm… cgeh you can take it na po.

GLORIA: (Sarcastic shock) So, you’ve changed your mind?

ROBERT: (Frightened) Y-y-yess?

47
GLORIA: Gladly (Sarcastic smile) You know Robert dear for things to go smoothly, the woman has to give
the orders… Understand?

ROBERT: Understood

GLORIA: And so, If I wanted to make myself at home in my bedroom, I would make myself at home. You
comprehend?

ROBERT: Yes, yes…right…comprehend

GLORIA: And without waiting for Bernard to get back, (stands up kay muadto na sa door #1)

Excuse me! (Ningexit padulong sa Door #1)

ROBERT: Sakto, jud diay si Bernard murag ungo na diay ang batasan kung maminyo. Wala pa ganih
maminyo murag gorilla naman masuko.

GLORIA: What’s this Cebu Pacific bag doing here? (Ning gawas sa door #1 nga naay dala nga bag)

ROBERT: (Nandako ang mata ni Robert) That bag? (giduol si Gloria) Ako na, (Gikuha ang bag kang Gloria)
y-y-ye-e-ess, this bag is mine.

GLORIA: Oh, really?

ROBERT: I use it to keep my little things like pajamas, toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream and all
other necessities.

GLORIA: Oh… Okay

(She exits door #1 and re-enters with a bra and lingerie)

GLORIA: Kang kinsa ni?

ROBERT: Kang kinsa?

GLORIA: Kani…

ROBERT: Ako na! (dali-dalig ilog arun makuha ang bra ug ang lingerie)

GLORIA: Imo?

ROBERT: Yes, akoa ni (dali-dalig sulod sa bra ug lingerie sa Cebu Pacific nga bag)

GLORIA: Okay (awkward)… Robert, you’re a very interesting kind of guy. I can see you’re all settled in my
room, and Bernard did give it to you, so I’ll let you stay nalang sa among room.

ROBERT: Huh? Oh! Hehe, That’s not necessary.

GLORIA: I’m even going to give my PAL bag para naa kay kabutngan sa imohang mga gamit.

ROBERT: How thoughtful and very kind of you, but okay nako anih hehehe...

GLORIA: What?... There's no way you're having a bag from a Cebu Pacific! Look at ours, there's a little
pocket inside with a zipper. It's really handy-dandy. (Gipakita ang sulod sa bag)

ROBERT: Bitaw noh? (Murag napersuade)

GLORIA: What's yours like inside? (She tries to look inside of the Cebu Pac bag)

ROBERT: Oh mine's got some pockets...this sort of pockets...that sort of pockets...and those sort of
pockets...it's full of pockets...stuffed with pockets...it's made of pockets! It's a pocket bag.
48
GLORIA: My dear Robert. Kabalo ka malipay jud ko if you would accept my bag as a gift.

ROBERT: Okay ra uy, ayaw na hehehe

GLORIA: No, I insist...

ROBERT: Di, okay ra lageh naa nay ako...

GLORIA: Dawata... (Action dakog ang mata)

ROBERT: Okay ra lageh...

GLORIA: DAWATA O PABUTHON NAKO NG IMONG KUTO KUTO? (Nasuko)

ROBERT: Awh dawaton man gud... Ikaw naman parang di mabiro

GLORIA: How Splendid! (Smiles) A man should not refuse a gift from a woman... Especially like me!

ROBERT: (Whispers) Nga murag ungo...

GLORIA: Pardon?...

ROBERT: Nothing...

GLORIA: Oh Good...

ROBERT: (Imitates and do funny faces)

GLORIA: You know Robert darling?

ROBERT: Yes?

GLORIA: It's very rare for a woman like me to give presents! But ning ingon kag "No" when I wanted to go
into my own bedroom! So, it looks like you're different from the others, aren't cha?

ROBERT: Why so?

GLORIA: Why? Well, you know, people don't realize that most American men stay babies all their lives.

ROBERT: Huh? Babies all their lives? You mean nga mga Babies hangtud hangtud?

GLORIA: (Laughs) You're really a funny guy, aren't you?

ROBERT: But you mean...

GLORIA: No... What I mean is in America, the woman is usually stronger than the man because he always
says yes to her. And so, by demanding more everday, she can make the man work to his total exhaustion.

ROBERT: (Jawdrop shocked from what Gloria said) The men don't complain?...

GLORIA: Oh, they complain man xad...

ROBERT: Oh...

GLORIA: But as soon as he stops "yes" and becomes too exhausted, we're off to Reno. Nowadays, women
can get a divorce in six weeks – for mental cruelty. And that means alimony (She showed Robert her
finger symbol of money sabay wink)

ROBERT: Nya what if lageh kung dili makabayad ang laki?

GLORIA: Jail.

49
ROBERT: Jail? Like Kulong?

GLORIA: Yes, so to avoid jail, they pay up and to pay up, they have to work. They have to produce. This
ensures a stable economy. And that's why America is such a great country.

ROBERT: Luoyang Bernard

GLORIA: Ngaman?

ROBERT: Magminyo man kaha mo?

GLORIA: Dili man gud...

ROBERT: HA?

GLORIA: I mean Yes pero Dili ko...

ROBERT: What do you mean?

GLORIA: Ani ni sya ha, we’d have to live in Paris and the women here don't have the same set-up. Kung
ingana man gani, guess I'll have to find someone back home. Economics, you see. But I'll always love
Bernard.

ROBERT: Naa diay anah? Marrying a guy but not necessarily love him?

GLORIA: How could I? How can you love someone who spends his life working?

ROBERT: It's not impossible.

GLORIA: Oh!... Balika daw to?

ROBERT: Ang unsa?

GLORIA: katung "It's not impossible. "

ROBERT: Ngaman?

GLORIA: Basta balika daw to...

ROBERT: It's not impossible?...

GLORIA: Dili anah... Katung the way nimo sya giingon ganiha...

ROBERT: It's not impossible...

GLORIA: Kanah... Balika pa daw.

ROBERT: It's not impossible...

GLORIA: Oh, your lips are just so cute when you say that.

ROBERT: Really?

GLORIA: Yes... Say it again.

ROBERT: It's not impossible...

GLORIA: Your mouth really is a gorgeous shape. Say, have you ever kissed a woman from New York?

ROBERT: Nope I haven't...

GLORIA: That's a great shame. Kabalo ba ka we New Yorkers are like french...
50
ROBERT: Really? Ngaman?

GLORIA: We are very rational about love.

ROBERT: Really?

GLORIA: Oh yes. (She kisses Robert) *Kapow! Well... How was it?

ROBERT: (Nagprocess pa) Umm hard to say...

GLORIA: Staggered by my astonishing technique? (Eyebrows moving)

ROBERT: I... uhhhh...

(As Robert starts to say something Bernard suddenly enters)

BERNARD: BERTHA... NAKAKITA KA SA YABE SA AKONG SAKYANAN!?

GLORIA: Hi Darling!

BERNARD: Oh, hello Darling! (Ningtubag nga wala kabantay nga si Gloria ang iyang igreet)

(Suddenly realized nga iyahang ka istorya kay si Gloria)

BERNARD: (Shocked seeing Gloria) You! You...you-hoo shouldn't be here.

GLORIA: Yoo-hoo. Yes, here I am.

BERNARD: Wa-wa-wala lageh ka magpahibaw nga mubalik ka run?

GLORIA: I did but you'd gone out... There was a hurricane in our way that's why we had to go back.

BERNARD: Oh, yes right! The weather forecast.

GLORIA: So how about you?

BERNARD: How about me?

GLORIA: Yes you, where were you?

BERNARD: Out... Ahhh held up by business!

GLORIA: You seem on edge.

BERNARD: No, no... So, everythings alright

ROBERT: Great!

BERNARD: Ah, good! So, no slip ups like you know from a business point of view?

ROBERT: Not for the moment.

GLORIA: In fact, Me and Robert had a very fascinating chit-chat.

ROBERT: Yes, we did while naghulat nga mubalik.

BERNARD: Well, I'm back now...

ROBERT: Welcome back...

BERNARD: Btw, iinterupt sa nako inyung little chit-chat or whatever. You have to come away with me and
spend the night at Saint-Germain.

51
ROBERT: Ako?

BERNARD: Dili ikaw, si Gloria pud noh?

GLORIA: Why?

BERNARD: Wala lang trip lang nako.

ROBERT: Nindot lageh na inyong balak?

BERNARD: Mulang! It'll be fun and it'll make a change. Like you know, try new things.

GLORIA: It's awfully sweet of you, darling, but gikapoy kug ayo run. Let's stay here nalang. I'll have a bath
and then we can go to bed. And we'll have enough change of scene as it is, since nga gihatag naman nimo
ang atung room sa imong friend, we could try this room over here (proceeds to the other door).

ROBERT: Oh no! I just remember nga dili na nimo magamit nga room.

GLORIA: HAH!?... WHY NOT?

BERNARD: Bitaw... Nganong dili man?

ROBERT: Diba ingon ka nga si Bertha ang matulog sa diri.

BERNARD: Did I?

ROBERT: Yes, wala na diay ka kadumdum?

GLORIA: Huh, instead of sleeping in her own room, why?

BERNARD: Why?

ROBERT: Why? It was perfectly reasonable what you said.

(nagtinan away ang duha, communicating using eye language.)

BERNARD: Yes…yes…that’s it…bitaw nakadumdum nako. Kuan man gud ingun si Bertha nga nay dakong
ilaga maglakaw-lakaw sa iyahang kwarto mao nang need niyag mubalhin sa pikas room.

ROBERT: That’s right…

GLORIA: Nya ang ikaw? Where would you have slept if I hadn’t come back?

BERNARD: Ako? Didto… (Tudlo sa may stock room)

GLORIA: Sa may stockroom?

BERNARD: Yes, kaning nindot actually didto sa may stockroom.

GLORIA: Tell me?

BERNARD: (Nangitag alibi) Nindot didto kay walay saba ug kung magsaba man ganih kay dili pud
madungog sa sulod; which is nindot kayo tambayan and if magtrabaho ko. So, adto nata sa Saint-
Germain?

GLORIA: Nay, Darling it’s so late naman…Diria nalaman ta. I’ll have a bath and we’ll go to bed isn’t it
exciting don’t you think?

BERNARD: No, it’s not

ROBERT: Absolutely not…

52
BERTHA: (enters) Sorry if the scotch is late Mlle Gloria. (See Bernard) Oh, welcome back Monsieur.

BERNARD: Thank you Bertha.

GLORIA: Bertha is the bed made up in the stockroom?

BERTHA: Dili Mlle Gloria.

GLORIA: Well, if naa sa kang Robert ang among room, where are we going to sleep?

BERTHA: Oh, yes? Monsieur’s room was given…Right. Well! How about there?

ROBERT&BERNARD: NO!!

GLORIA: How disrespectful of your solitude if me and Bernard would tuck in with you right?

BERTHA: With me?

GLORIA: Diba, you are sleeping in there, aren’t you Bertha?

BERTHA: Ako?

BERNARD: Diba ninghangyo ka Bertha nga mubalhin sa kag kwarto kay naa dako nga ilaga sa imohang
kwarto right?

ROBERT: Diba ning ingon ka?

(Nagtinan away ang tulo, using eye language as their means of communication.)

BERTHA: Right!

BERNARD: Good! So, you can make-up na sa stockroom darling.

GLORIA: (A bit confused for a moment) Oh, okay.

BERTHA: Let me help you with that Mlle.

(They both exit)

BERNARD: Ningbalik si Gabriella arih?

ROBERT: Huh? Ngano man unsay nahitabo?

BERNARD: Naay nahitabo sa among giadtoan nga restaurant, kalit ra to ng wild dayun back out pagawas.
Giapas nako siya nya pag gawas na nako wala na siya.

ROBERT: How could that be?

BERNARD: I don’t know…Ay tuod si Gretchen?

ROBERT: Tua ning hawa na siya.

BERNARD: *Sighs…May ganih problemahon nalang nako unsaon tu pag alog-alog si Gloria nga muadtog
Saint-Germain until tomorrow.

ROBERT: You know Bernard, be careful of these sudden changes.

BERNARD: Ganih, unsa pamay akong laing buhaton? Nya kung muabot tu si Gabriella, dili pede nga naa
ko arih.

ROBERT: Nya unsaon man kung mubalik tu si Gretchen?

53
BERNARD: Baw! Ikaw nay bahala atu niya.

ROBERT: Easy for you to say.

BERNARD: Sorry, pero nag nervous breakdown nako arih. How about you?

ROBERT: Naglabad na akong ulo aning imong kalaki.

(Gloria returns with Bertha)

GLORIA: Karun pa ko ka realize nga that room is a sweet room. So calm and tranquil.

(The doorbell rang so loud)

GLORIA: What was that?

BERNARD: I don’t know darling, But I’ve just suddenly realized, I’ve never seen that room before.

(Bernard and Gloria exit padulong sa stockroom)

(Gabriella enters with a burst of anger mixed with exhaustion.)

GABRIELLA: WHERE IS HE!?

ROBERT: Si Kinsa?

GABRIELLA: BERNARDO!

ROBERT: Wala ko kabalo…Diba nag-uban mo?

GABRIELLA: Bernardo just keeps on babbling about fresh air and chestnut trees. I don’t know about this
countryside craze. But it looks like he’s trying to hide something from me.

ROBERT: Really? Unsa poy iyang itago diha nimo?

GABRIELLA: I don’t know but I can smell it for sure.

(She wanders around if ever naa ba si Bernard)

(Gabriella towards the Door 1)

ROBERT: That’s my room!

GABRIELLA: Unsa?

ROBERT: My room.

GABRIELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m so annoyed.

(She sits on the couch right of the coffee table and absentmindedly uses tissues that have been left by
Gloria on the table.)

ROBERT: Unsa diay nahitabo?

GABRIELLA: He got on my nerves so much, nga reason nganong nagwala ko. So, I went out for some air
and when I went back *poof wala na siya. Gibilin ko niya sa resto isn’t it outrageous?

ROBERT: (Throwing himself on the couch to cover the contents of Gloria’s flight bag.) Bitaw noh? But
what if he needed some air too, what if naa pud siya sa gawas pud, what if pagbalik niya gihulat diay ka
niya sa may resto because he loves you.

54
GABRIELLA: Naa bitaw kay point noh? But you know Roberto we wouldn’t have these problems if we
were together all the time. It would be all so simple if only he’d marry me!

ROBERT: Simple jud.

GABRIELLA: You know it’s really too stupid when two people are in love to spend all that time apart.

ROBERT: Stupid jud.

GABRIELLA: Anyways when we’re married mausab rapud ning tanan. Right? Well goodnight, Mr.
Roberto…

(She finds the Cebu Pac bag)

What’s that a Cebu Pac bag?

ROBERT: Ahhhh…kanang akoa na

GABRIELLA: Imoha?

ROBERT: Yes

GABRIELLA: How weird!

ROBERT: Ngaman?

GABRIELLA: Wala lang pambaye man gud na nga bag; seeing you holding it like that, it looks funny lang!
Anyways I gotta go na, mind if I go to bed?

ROBERT: Oh okay…

GABRIELLA: Oh, if ever nga mubalik si Bernardo gets here, tell him to come and say sorry…because he
made me very unhappy.

ROBERT: Noted… (Thumbs up)

GABRIELLA: Grazie, Mr. Roberto…

(Exits)

ROBERT: Goodnight

(Gloria coming out with Bernard.)

GLORIA: Let me go! No! I see absolutely no point in taking off to the countryside when it's so cosy here.

BERNARD: But nice man gud…

GLORIA: No, nahiluna nako adto. And now I’m going to take a bath na.

(Goes to the bathroom)

BERNARD: Pastilan! Why is she so stubborn? Honestly, you can’t make them do anything.

ROBERT: Gabriella

BERNARD: Gabriella?

ROBERT: (Gitudlo ang door nga gihimutangan ni Gabriella.)

BERNARD: Oh my God! What are we going to do? Dili ni pede nga magpadayon nih! Naglabad na akong
ulo…Sheeett!!! I can’t take it!
55
(They grapple together, rolling on the floor ad libbing “You’ve got to take it” “I can’t it’s too much.” Bertha
enters from the stockroom, begins to cross to the dining area and, seeing the two conjoined, exits with a
disgusting face.)

ROBERT: You need to be strong Bernard, aning panahona dili ni time para mag panic. This is the time for
resource, resilience, and aggression. You must put on a strong aggressive front. Remember si Gloria and
Gabriella naa diri run and any minute by now muabot napud si Gretchen.

(Gabriella enters)

GABRIELLA: (Sees the two conjoined together) Nag-unsa mo?

(Dali-dali nag bulag ang duha)

GABRIELLA: So, you’ve come back, have you? How dare you?

BERNARD: Huh? Unsa diay akong gibuhat?

GABRIELLA: (Imitates Bernard) “Unsa akong gibuhat…” Ana jud mo mga laki noh? Leaving a woman in
the middle of dinner.

BERNARD: Huh? But YOU left me.

GABRIELLA: I went out of the restaurant and came back and you’d gone.

BERNARD: Now darling, just because na-hysterical ra ta…

GABRIELLA: We, Hysterical? You got hysterical! Isn’t this place enough to make love huh!?

BERNARD: Huy! Shhhh!!!

GABRIELLA: Don’t “Shhh” me…Wala ko nag joke… Making love must be done in a private place where we
both feel at home!

ROBERT&BERNARD: SSHHHH!!!

GABRIELLA: You do, I suppose, because you’re not ashamed of marrying me!

BERNARD: Look, it’s very embarrassing having this scene in front of Robert!

GABRIELLA: See, you're actually ashamed of me!

BERNARD: Can you please stop shouting.

GABRIELLA: I won’t unless YOU say sorry

BERNARD: I’m sorry!

GABRIELLA: Di ko mudawat!

BERNARD: Huh? Ngano man nagsorry na baya ko.

GABRIELLA: The question is are you sincere?

BERNARD: I’m sorry Mi Amore

GABRIELLA: Di gihapon ko mudawat…

BERNARD: *Sighs Scusi, e’ colpa mia mi amor.

GABRIELLA: Okay, fine. I forgive you.

56
BERNARD: Thank God!

GABRIELLA: Anyway, I have to take a bath to calm me down.

BERNARD: No!

GABRIELLA: Unsa?

BERNARD: I mean no need nah. Because…because, humot na man gud ka. And he’s going to have one.
(tulod kang Robert padulong sa Bathroom)

ROBERT: Ako?

BERNARD: Yes! (Eye contact)

GABRIELLA: Oh sure, but after na nako.

ROBERT: No!

GABRIELLA: Unsa napud?

ROBERT: I said no!

GABRIELLA: Oh, really?

BERNARD: He’s our guest, ning ingon na syag “NO”!

GABRIELLA: But surely can let a woman go first.

ROBERT: No, everybody has to take their turn in the line…equality.

GABRIELLA: Well, I must say your friend is terribly considerate. A real gentleman, overpoweringly
polite…

BERNARD: Gabriella, darling…

GABRIELLA: And you stand there and let him insult me!

ROBERT&BERNARD: Shush!

GABRIELLA: CHE PALE!

(Gabriella marches into her bedroom and slams the door behind her, just as Gloria enters from the
bathroom in a towel.)

GLORIA: I really feel much better. Coming, darling?

ROBERT&BERNARD: In a minute, darling…

GLORIA: Don’t keep me waiting too long darling, basin makatulog nako.

BERNARD: No, I won’t.

GLORIA: Kabalo baya ka nga I’ve had very tiring day.

BERNARD: Me too.

ROBERT: And naa pay wala pa jud mahuman.

GLORIA: Daghan pa kang buhaton right?

BERNARD: Gamay rani, you know a few little things with Robert.
57
GLORIA: I hope nga dili rapud magdugay.

BERNARD: Don’t worry we got this.

GLORIA: Okay, So, Goodnight to the two of you.

ROBERT&BERNARD: Goodnight!

GLORIA: I’ll be waiting for you darling ha.

BERNARD: * Ning yango lang kang Gloria…

(Gloria exits)

ROBERT: You know…Karun pa ko kakitag baye nga nagtapis ra…it’s quite something.

BERNARD: Gloria is very special.

ROBERT: Yes, yes but Gretchen’s not bad either.

BERNARD: Personally, I prefer Gabriella.

ROBERT: Okay back to work. The coast is clear now…ingnaa si Gabriella pede na sya maligo.

BERNARD: Ikaw nalang, ako’y nalay bantay kung nay mga nabilin nga ebidensya.

ROBERT: Aysa nganung ako man?

BERNARD: Ay na sig ngal ngal arah.

(Bernard goes into the bathroom. Robert knocks on the door)

GABRIELLA: What is it?

ROBERT: Ako ni Robert.

GABRIELLA: What do you want?

ROBERT: Kaning pede naka maligo!

GABRIELLA: Kalimti nato!

BERNARD: Okay all clear!

ROBERT: Okay all clear. (Catching himself) I mean kaning sige na Gabriella.

GABRIELLA: (Giablihan ang door ug gisumbag sa nawong si Robert) You are a very rude and unpleasant
man!

ROBERT: Aray!

BERNARD: Gabriella! Aysa kaning it was a joke! Joke rato ganiha, kaning ako lang syang giingnan nga
maligo siya para makakita ko unsa’y imong ireact.

GABRIELLA: Duol ra Bernardo darling.

BERNARD: Oh yes…So you see it was a joke lang…

(Kalitb nga gisagpa si Bernard ni Gabriella)

ROBERT: Bernard!

58
GABRIELLA: It amuses you, does it? To see me getting really, really annoyed.

ROBERT: I am really am terribly sorry (Ningluhod)

BERNARD: And so am I. Please Gabriella.

GABRIELLA: Ali ra diri, to forgive you again, Bernardo, you really should marry me, you know.

BERNARD: Of course, darling! I will marry you. Of course, I will…sooner or later.

GABRIELLA: Don’t you think he ought to Robert?

ROBERT: Oh yes, absolutely! You’re marvelous and he deserve you.

GABRIELLA: Kung ikaw naa sa iyahang place, pakaslon bako nimo?

ROBERT: Pakaslan uy, I wouldn’t have waited this long.

GABRIELLA: Tan’awa , Your friend would have already married me…

ROBERT: I…

BERNARD: Would you keep out of this?

ROBERT: Ngaman? Nangayo siya sa akong opinion; gitubag nako. I’m entitled to an opinion, aren’t I?

GABRIELLA: BERNARD!

BERNARD: Yes darling?

GABRIELLA: Come and sit here…

BERNARD: Okay…

GABRIELLA: I’m telling you Bernardo; you’re made for marriage.

BERNARD: Me?

(Gabriella starts to massage seductively Bernard’s shoulders)

GABRIELLA: Yes! You’re an old-fashioned stay at home. You like things to be nice and smooth. You hate
complications You’re too nervy for them!

BERNARD: (Seduced) You think?

GABRIELLA: Yes!

BERNARD: Yes, yes…maybe…

GABRIELLA: You see! Imo nang gi-admit! Oh, I know you so well! You’re a classic one-woman man! You’re
the prototype perfect husband!

ROBERT: Uh...Dili unta ta macarried away noh.

BERNARD: Yes, that's perhaps a little strong.

GABRIELLA: Not at all, Nagstorya ra ko nganu nag hesitate kag pakaslan ko.

BERNARD: Oh really?

GABRIELLA: Yes, you're honest and scrupulous! You want to be absolutely sure nga happy ko nimo.
There! Dili ba ingana ka?
59
BERNARD: Ah...Wala ko kaexpect atu...

ROBERT: Murag tinuod jud na Bernard.

GABRIELLA: I'm not an Italian for nothing. So, kanus a man ta?

BERNARD: Kanus a?

GABRIELLA: Magminyo?

BERNARD: Eh, kanang, soon, soon! Tigum sa tag wawarts.

GABRIELLA: Awa! What did I say? (She kisses him on his cheeks) Oh, Bernardo darling your adorably
scrupulous! You see how happy we'll be...

BERNARD: Malipayon naman gud ta.

GABRIELLA: Once we're married Bernardo, it'll be completely different. Ciao! (Exit padung sa bathroom)

ROBERT: Murag wala nakay laing kagawsan ani.

BERNARD: I would rather die today than to die every day because of marriage.

(Gretchen slams the front door and two stood because of shock)

GRETCHEN: Bernard? You're back! (Runs toward Bernard and hugged him so tight.)

BERNARD: Darling, it's so lovely to see you! But not so tight, not so tight!

GRETCHEN: I miss you so much! You don't know how much I'm in pain to see you again.

BERNARD: Murag nawala ra ko usa ka oras. (Naglisud ug ginhawa)

GRETCHEN: A hour is like a week for me everytime nga wala ka diria sa akong tapad.

BERNARD: There, there darling I understand what you feel but I'm losing all the oxygen that I have.

(Gloria exits from the stockroom)

GLORIA: Bernard darling what took you so long, I thought dili ka magdugay. (Sees Gretchen hugging
Bernard so tight)

BERNARD: Patay! Uh, let me explain...

GLORIA: Who are you?

GRETCHEN: That's also my question, who are you?

GLORIA: But I ask you first.

GRETCHEN: Oh apologies, I'm Gretchen Hoffman, Bernard's Fiancée. (gipakita ang iyahang engagement
ring)

GLORIA: You what?

GRETCHEN: Ay wala ka nakadungog? I'm Bernard's Fiancée.

ROBERT: Oh, what a coincidence, you two are the same.

BERNARD: (Looks at Robert) Shut up!

ROBERT: Sorry…
60
GRETCHEN: What do you mean?

GLORIA: What he means is I'm also Bernard's fiancée.

GRETCHEN: Say what? Your Bernard's fiancée? That can't be, that's preposterous!

GLORIA: Oh, wala pud ba ka nakadungog? What I said is actually clear. I am Bernard's Fiancée…oh, my
bad, dili diay I’m Gloria Hawkins, Bernard’s future wife.

GRETCHEN: Was zum Teufel! This woman is out of her mind, isn’t it? I don’t know what is happening
right now but, the door is open for you to leave. Bernard pahawaa siya.

GLORIA: How did this retard come to know you Bernard darling? Is she a maid before? Is she a peasant?

GRETCHEN: Peasant ako? Look who’s talking! Basin pakan on tikag Euro!

GLORIA: Oh, try me! We americans never back down to any fight.

GRETCHEN: Oh, are asking for a World War? Because I could give that to you. The blood of Hitler is
running inside of my veins, puny American!

BERNARD: Darling?

GRETCHEN&GLORIA: YES!? (Shouts in anger)

BERNARD: Nothing…

GLORIA: You know it’s not too late for you to decide, I could let you do the easy way, leave like nothing
happen, peasant!

GRETCHEN: Oh no, no, no…puny American! I would rather do the hard way than to lose the love of my
life.

(The Eye of the tiger starts to play and the starts to make a funny kung-fu stances like they are about to
fight)

ROBERT: Naa kay popcorn?

BERNARD: Really, Robert? At this time?

ROBERT: What? Lingaw man gud tan awon.

BERNARD: Pugngi ra to sila.

ROBERT: Huh, nganong ako man?

BERNARD: Pugngi ba…

ROBERT: Kung ikaw diay? Imoha baya na…

BERNARD: Pugngi sa musunod ra ko nimo…

ROBERT: Hmmm…Baya ka basin masumbagan pa laman ko.

BERNARD: Dili lageh nah… (Gitukmod si Robert padung sa duha.)

ROBERT: Tagam jud kanako kung masumbagan ko.

(Ningduol si Robert sa duha but just as he starts to speak Gretchen’s fist lands on Robert’s face, Gloria
slaps Robert, the two take turns on hitting Robert until, he loses consciousness.)

61
(Ningbalik si Robert kang Bernard)

BERNARD: Are you okay?

ROBERT: Don’t touch me you… (Nasuko)

BERNARD: I’m sorry…

ROBERT: Your, not sorry… (Gi-away si Bernard and exit padung sa guest room)

BERNARD: Robert!

ROBERT: Baw nimo! (Slams the door)

BERNARD: Here, goes for nothing!

(Gabriella enters from the bathroom wearing a bathrobe)

GABRIELLA: Bernardo! I’m done bathing, shall we start the fu – (Shocked)

(Nagtinan away ang upat sa usag-usa)

BERNARD: Patay…let me explain…

GGG: WHO ARE YOU!

(The light suddenly turns off for about 5 seconds)

(Improvise a chasing scene)

(Lights turns off again)

(Improvise another chasing scene)

(Lights turns off for the last time)

(Improvise the last chasing part)

(Bertha enters from the kitchen with an annoyed face)

BERTHA: What is this commotion? Madungog jud mo nako sa Kitchen!

(Sees Bernard's three Fiancées)

BERNARD: Bertha! (Sees hope)

BERTHA: (Exits to the front door and shouts)

BERNARD: Bertha, asa ka padung!

BERTHA: (off) I quit! This is no life for a maid!

BERNARD: BERTHA!!!

(The three cornered him)

BERNARD: Look can we sort this thing out in a very calm and manner way? Darling? I mean darlings
perhaps?

GLORIA: How long you’ve been hiding this abomination, Bernard? You know, that this is a sin? How could
you!? (Gikusi ang kiliran ni Bernard)

62
BERNARD: Wait I can explain… wait, ayaw sa kilid agay…

GABRIELLA: You’re a disgrace Bernardo! You know that I have a bigger plan for our future but you! You
ruined it! (Hits Bernard with something.)

BERNARD: Teka, aysa! Agay! Agay! (In pain) Darlings please let me explain!

GRETCHEN: Darlings? Enough with your lies Bernard, enough with your tricks, and enough of you toying
us, treating us women like objects of pleasure and desire. Gone are the days that we bow our heads to
men like you. Why did you have to do this to us! Why did you have to have three?

GLORIA: Do you love me?

BERNARD: Yes (Gloria slaps him)

GABRIELLA: (Italian way to say “do you love me?”)

BERNARD: Yes, yes… (Gabriella slaps him)

GRETCHEN: (German way to say “do you love me?”)

BERNARD: Yes, yes, yes!!! (Gretchen slaps him) Don’t you know that you all are my everything?

GLORIA: EVERYTHING?! What do you mean of everything? How we’ll be nothing? Nothing at all to you? If
you really loved any of us, why did you have to look for another?

GRETCHEN: Am I not enough? Asa man ko nakuwang? Dili ba ko sapat o dili jud ka kamao makuntento?

GABRIELLA: You chose to have us three so you’d have options. Namili ka, you had choices. You hopped on
each one of us and ride us like the planes that we rode on to, bringing our hopes and dreams of a good
life, a perfect life into ruins.

GRETCHEN: Because of your discontentment!

GGG: YOU WILL BE LEFT WITH NOTHING; THIS SHALL SERVE AS YOUR LESSON! YOU THOUGHT
WALA’Y MAWALA NIMO, HUH? NO, WALA JUY MABILIN SA IMOHA!

GLORIA: Farewell

GABRIELLA: (Says farewell in Italian)

GRETCHEN: (Says farewell in German)

(The three girls throw their rings to Bernard)

(Bernard pick it all up and put it all in his pocket, he took a bottle of whiskey from the beverage table and
starts gobble it up.)

(Robert exits from the guest room and sees Bernard gobbling it up)

BERNARD: A bottle of whiskey? (Offers Robert)

ROBERT: At this time of day?

BERNARD: Why not?

ROBERT: Okay.

BERNARD: You never really turn someone’s offer Robert.

ROBERT: Turning someone’s offer is like turning down G…

63
BERNARD: God’s blessing?

ROBERT: Right! So, what happened?

BERNARD: Splendid! Absolutely Splendid!

ROBERT: Ngaman?

BERNARD: Kay wala na sila!

ROBERT: Ahw dasurv!

BERNARD: Yes, Dasurv! So, Cheers!! (They start to drink)

(Bertha enters)

BERTHA: Don’t ask me why I came back, naa ra koy nalimtan I just forgot my things and my special two-
piece. BTW, I’m off to Scotland!

BERNARD: Oh, great Bertha remind me to give me a souvenir huh?

BERTHA: I’m tired of this life monsieur. Oh, btw where are the three?

BERNARD: They’re gone!

ROBERT: For good…

BERNARD: Gibiyaan nako nila. Pitiful, isn’t it?

BERTHA: Pitiful? It’s actually funny mao nay panagam sa mga babaero (Laughs) Dasurv! (Laughs)
(Gikantchawan si Bernard ug katawa nga arang kusuga nga hangtud naglisod siyag ginhawa, then felt that
pain in her chest. She loses consciousness gradually so as the light slowly fades.)

(10 seconds before the lights turn on)

(Lights on)

(Bertha is seen sleeping on the couch, acting like she has a nightmare. Wakes-up screaming!)

(Ning-gawas si Robert sa guestroom while si Bernard ning-gawas sa master’s bedroom along with a
woman named Aida)

BERNARD: Bertha, why are screaming in the middle of the night?

ROBERT: Kalami na gud sa among tulog.

BERTHA: Monsiuer!? You two? It was a dream?

BERNARD: Huh? What dream?

BERTHA: (Tells the story that Bernard has a three fiancees all at once)

BERNARD: That’s absurd Bertha!

ROBERT: Indeed, it is!

BERNARD: (To Aida) Darling, you have to go back na to our room, naa lang miy istoryahan ni Bertha.

AIDA: Okay darling ayaw lang padugay ha.

BERNARD: Yes, Darling!

64
BERTHA: Who is that woman, monsieur?

BERNARD: Don’t tell me nakalimot naka?

ROBERT: Wala ka kailang Aida?

BERTHA: Aida?

BERNARD: Aida Santos…and bakit mo ko tinatawag na monsieur? I thought you call me sir?

BERTHA: Sir? Aida? I’m confused?

(Ningtingog ang tingog ang cellphone ni Bernard)

BERNARD: Oh, wait lang… (He sees the text message sent by Lorna) ...Oh shit!...

ROBERT: Why?

BERNARD: Padung na si Lorna arih.

ROBERT: But naa pa si Aida.

BERNARD: Exactly!

ROBERT: Unsaon na nimo?

BERNARD: I don’t know?

(While nagstoryahanay ang duha about kay Aida ug Lorna, Bertha suddenly snaps back to her senses
because of the sound of the telephone)

(Telephone rangs)

(Bertha answers)

BERTHA: Hello? Bertha speaking...Who is this? Madame Fe? You’ll be back na? Like as in right now?
You’re on way na jud? Okay bye, see you later. (Natulala padulong kung asa sila Bernard ug Robert nag
lalis)

ROBERT: Bloody Bernard!

BERNARD: Bloody Robert!

BERTHA: Blood Mary! THIS IS NO LIFE FOR A MAID!!!!

(Director’s speech)

(Cast gathers in front of the stage and bows)

(END)

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