Entera, Benjamin Francis C.

BSEDEN 2-1

How I drowned

Kuya, I do not wish to see you again. I despised myself for what I allowed to happen. It's been
years since you've gone abroad. But on the day of your arrival, I just can't bear to see your face
again. You probably noticed that I was the only one who wasn't able to pick you up at the
airport. For that, I was hoping that you'd already read the room.

You were excited to see me when you got home but were wretched to notice that I acted as if
you were never there. You asked how I was and if everything was okay. I answered: “Yes, it's
just that I am so busy studying right now”. I can see in your eyes that you know that I was lying.

I haven't been sleeping well since you left. But that specific night was the worst. As I fell asleep,
I dreamt of an enormous predator. Its arms were grappled all around my body. I can't move or
even break free. Its grip was too strong that when I tried to scream, I drowned. All I remember
as I sank was the thought that it was my fault for jumping into its lair. As I woke, I couldn't move
my limbs. I tried to scream but I was voiceless. Everything reminded me of my horrible sins in
the past and there was nothing I could do but cry.

Just like how the sea is bigger than land, my love for my brother will always be substantial and
no amount of stimulus could ever replace it. The moment when I could finally move my fingers, I
had this urge to write. I have to tell you why. I can't leave you clueless about the mistake that
has been haunting me since. You have to hear it through me.

I should start.
Remember that specific day in 1929? I was in middle school when you were hanging with my
new friend and roaming around the campus when you saw two youngsters making fun of and
embarrassing me in front of many people. You immediately rushed to us when you saw that I
was being bullied and saved me from it. The kids you scolded were so scared because you and
your friend possessed this intimidating aura.

I appreciate what you did back then, and that was the time I realized that you were a true
brother to me. Even though we fight as kids over simple things, I knew that when I needed you,
you’ll always be there to have my back.

You’ve always been a sweet loving brother to me. You knew that we share the same interest
when it comes to literature. When you found an interesting book, you always rushed home to
share it with me. You said that you somehow wish to write good stories but lack the talent to do
so. I didn’t believe you back then, I always knew deep in my mind that you’re capable of greater
things and talent is not the one hindering you from your dreams of becoming a writer.

That is why I know that when you met Loloy, for you, it felt like you found your other half. He’s
also into literature and that’s the reason you complement each other. When you’re with him, you
have this different kind of glow that I only see with his presence.

Years passed when Loloy went to a different school. I was expecting that you’ll be dejected, but
that didn’t happen. You always bring him home to either hang out or just read magazines.
Mama treated him as if he was one of her own and she enjoyed his company. Loloy has this
welcoming character, his eyes were an ocean where you’ll lose yourself in its dept, reddish and
pouty lips too perfect for a Visayan man, and a perfect nose as if he was a descendant of
Spanish blood. Yes, I was quite attracted to him at first. But what makes me like him, even
more, is his passion for writing. His works made me feel like I’m reading Jose Garcia Villa’s
masterpiece.
He is a famous womanizer. I mean, who wouldn’t fall for his looks and charismatic personality
right? I never thought that my attraction for him would snowball. I’ve heard his stories when he’s
with you. I knew that he had many victims before but what bothers me the most is my increasing
interest in him even though I know that he is not a guy I should fall for.

I’ve tried to suppress the feelings that I’ve been holding to for a year. It was that specific day; he
was reading Villa’s criticism for short stories. A lot was going on in my mind and I couldn’t hold
my thoughts. I asked him first about Sonia and all I can utter after it was that “Loloy, have you
ever felt…. real love?”

I just stared at him; I could see confusion in his eyes. He just replied: “True love?” and then he
laughed. I don’t know what to feel afterward. It was not the answer I was expecting. I got upset
and I don’t know what to say afterward because I was too embarrassed by myself and my
actions.

There was this one morning wherein Mother went to the market and tasked me to sweep the
yard. I was all alone in the house when Loloy came asking where you were. I remained silent
because I was too embarrassed by myself for our last encounter. But then he asked me once
more and I replied: “I don’t know”.

He then asked if I was angry but all I could do is turn away and ran upstairs. I immediately sat
on the rocking chair because I couldn’t compose myself. He followed me, grabbed me by the
shoulders, and confronted me: “Pepita, please look at me. Tell me what I have done to cause
your anger”.

I can’t control it anymore. Suppressing my emotions felt like swimming against the river’s
current. Eventually, I got carried away, burst into tears, and let all the words come out of my
mouth. All I can remember was my anger out of unrequited love.
A violent predator was chasing me. I tried to run away only to find myself drowning in a mud
pool with the horrible creature. It was too late, it engulfed me as I drowned. No one came when I
screamed at the top of my lungs for it. I couldn’t help myself either, the predator was pinning me
down. I tried to look for a branch to help me escape but I failed to do so. There was no other
choice but to submit and accept the fact that I drowned. I found myself dirty and full of mud, it
was all my fault for falling for its trap, and I despised myself for even allowing myself to drown.
But in the end, I smiled out of fear.

And Loloy smiled back.