emotional intimacy

an you recognize a good partner? Do you know the

difference between openness and honesty? Take a
look at these four stages of emotional intimacy and
foster a healthy connection in your relationships
—
While many don’t articulate it, most of us crave
emotional intimacy. We want someone we can share
with on a deep level, someone we trust who will be
gentle yet honest with us. Emotional intimacy seems
especially evasive in a world that appears to rank the
physical far ahead of the emotional.
Similar to love, we can’t force emotional intimacy to
occur. We can encourage it, though, by creating
conditions from which it can develop. Being alert, we
will recognize situations where achieving emotional
intimacy is more likely than in other circumstances.
There are several steps that occur as we become
emotionally intimate with someone, and they have a
logical order. Progress is not guaranteed, however; and
when it does happen, it may not be linear.
Understanding these steps can help us to foster
emotional intimacy.
1.Know yourself.

This first step is foundational, because it’s required to

for the other steps to work well. This is also a crucial
step for those wishing to overcome a fear of emotional
intimacy. If we don’t know and accept ourselves, we
won’t be able to share ourselves comfortably with
another person.
Some ways to enhance self-knowledge are quiet
reflection, prayer, meditation, journaling your feelings
and thoughts and just being alone. These processes help
us to see the tendencies we’ve had and the patterns that
have surfaced in our past dating experiences. The
willingness to recognize and accept what comes up is
an essential part of this step.
2. Use discernment to recognize an appropriate partner.

Just as you need to do your inner work, they need to

have done theirs. I’m amazed how many people really
don’t know themselves well, making it especially
difficult for us to know them and to be sure they’re
emotionally available. When we’re paying attention and
know what’s important to us, we’re better able to realize
when advancing the relationship emotionally isn’t
probable and/or is not in our best interest.
At this stage, it’s important to spend time together in
places where you can talk. One common, positive
aspect of online dating is that going to the movies has
been displaced with meeting for coffee as a typical first
date. Quiet conversation is ideal, as is limiting or
avoiding alcohol. To be discerning we need to be clear
headed and remember what was said. Try to think less
about what they think of you and the impression you’re
making. Instead, focus on what the other person is
saying and what you’re feeling.
Before we move on, let’s make a distinction between
honesty and openness. Honesty is never optional; it is
required from the start for emotional intimacy to
develop down the road. If you’re asked a question you
don’t care to answer, simply respond with “I couldn’t
say” or “I’d like to get to know you better before talking
about that.” If you can’t be that forthright with them,
emotional intimacy is not likely to develop. Openness,
however, is always optional. Being open is what the
last two steps are all about.
3. Start to share at a deeper level.

Continue having rich conversation, striving to do so in

different settings. Experience a variety of circumstances
so that different aspects of your personalities emerge.
For instance, start to meet each other’s families and/or
friends.
Ideally you’ll align your openness with your partner’s
level of sharing, and over time begin disclosing at a
more intimate level as trust builds and you feel safe.
Notice again how self-knowledge is essential. It’s okay
to be the first to open-up, but if it’s not reciprocated
soon, hold off going deeper and evaluate what’s
happening. It’s easy to overlook that the extent of
sharing is not equal. There’s a difference between being
a quiet person and being closed. What are you feeling
physically when you’re together? Our bodies often
know before our conscious minds, so pay attention to
what you feel. It should feel good to open up with this
person.
4. Become more intimate.

As time passes, if you’re both disclosing more, the

emotional intimacy and trust will grow. If they do, you
will both be not just honest, but increasingly open with
each other, as well.
As emotional intimacy deepens, it’s natural for physical
intimacy to develop. Allowing both of these aspects of
the relationship to progress at the same pace keeps us in
alignment and helps avoid regret later on. If you’ve
given yourselves the opportunity for emotional
intimacy to grow and it hasn’t, you haven’t failed. This
is just not the right relationship to take to that deeper
level. Be thankful for the experience and move on,
feeling richer for it.
[image: via Jan Fidler on flickr]