All for the game: the value of consent in relationships.

"I'm still waiting for a yes or no I actually believe," Andrew said.

"Yes" was Neil’s reply. 

The following essay is about the importance of consent in relationships, how in

society on some occasions when a relationship starts, partners tend to take things for
granted, they forget how important is to ask if their partner is comfortable or
uncomfortable with some things, or if the boundaries of the relationship have
changed, or how do they feel on certain dates, etc. My belief is that healthy
relationships are about talking and sharing meaningful stuff, about setting boundaries,
about always taking on account that partners can say “no”, can be in bad moods and
can have bad days, among other essential things. Consent in relationships should be a
thing everybody knows and that everybody should apply to their life.

All for the game (AFGT) is a trilogy of books published in 2013 about a fictional sport
game called Exy, college life, mafia, different kind of traumas, found family, love,
drama and LGBTQ+ content. The main characters in the book are Neil Josten and
Andrew Minyard, who do not have a conventional relationship but still respects each
other.

AFTG is set in 2009 and it starts with one of the main characters Neil Josten who is in
the run because the Japanese mafia and his psychopathic father is looking for him,
however David Wymack who is a coach in a fictional university called Palmetto State
persuades him to join the Foxes, a team that plays Exy, Neil thinks he has nothing to
live for so he accepts and then all the drama begins.

In summary, Neil at first only wanted to play Exy, however he starts making friends
along the way, and even though they are not conventional friends they become family.
Andrew -another main character- is a man who had suffer a lot of traumas in his life
since he was a kid, has also diagnosed PTSD and thankfully receives therapy. Along
the three books they fall in love with each other, they talked about their issues, about
their traumas, about what triggers them, etc., and even before they start a relationship
both know and respect each other's limits. Both of them are highly traumatized so it’s
pretty important for them to have explicit consent in their relationship.

Andrew and Neil first kiss was without explicit consent, Andrew kissed Neil and Neil
liked the kiss but was going through a tough situation, so Andrew stopped the kiss
because he knew Neil wasn’t actually consenting:

"This isn't yes. This is a nervous breakdown. I know the difference even if you don't."
"I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be." (Savik, 2014, p. 151)

Here, Andrew is respecting and understanding that Neil is in a bad place emotionally
and can’t consent to Andrew, and even if Neil said yes, Andrew could not believe him.

On another situation Neil asked Andrew his boundaries, if he was completely off-
limits or if he has some safe zones:

"I'm hoping to know where the lines are before I cross them”. (Savik, 2014, p. 164)

Then, on that same scene before they kissed Andrew told Neil the next quote making a
reference to the last kiss where Neil could not say an actual yes:

"I'm still waiting for a yes or no I actually believe”. (Savik, 2014, p. 164)

On this part, Andrew is waiting for Neil to be sure about what he wants and not only a
decision made by pressure.

“…and then Andrew pulled Neil's hand off the beanbag chair. He held it up away from
them for an eternity, then slowly pressed it flat against his chest and let go. Andrew
tensed up underneath Neil's hand but relaxed before Neil could pull away. Neil wasn't
fooled. Andrew had made it very clear the first time he kissed Neil how important an
actual "yes" was. This casual surrender wasn't genuine consent.” (Savik, 2014, p. 318).

On the paragraph above Neil knows Andrew wasn’t consenting because they had
already pre-established a safe pair of words that had to be said out loud for them to
consent to each other.

Even though, they had a friendship and then a relationship it doesn’t mean they would
stop respecting the boundaries and limitations of each other, they will not assume
things about their partner, they always will ask and care; some people may assume
that because they are in a relationship they do not need to consent explicitly, however,
every partnership is different and while Neil and Andrew feel the need to consent out
loud, other parents have different types of consent like safe words, implicit consent,
etc.

The principal idea is that all existing relationships have a constant communication
about how they feel about their emotions and about sex, about their limitations and
about their triggers, it can be a constant reaffirmation or it can be talks that are in
periods of time. Consent is an extremely important part of maintaining a healthy
relationship. I totally believe that consent between partners should be a matter of
worldwide knowledge, that certain behaviors or actions should not be assumed just
for the sake of being in a relationship.

Reference:

Sakavic, N. (2014, 31 march). The King’s Men (All for the Game). CreateSpace
Independent Publishing Platform.