You’ll Find Yourself

It is midsummer. There’s been nothing but joy hanging out almost every day with your

best friend, whether at work or just at her house. But mom brings reality back down hard: will

you go back to college or stay home? The first year at college wasn’t great. You’re currently on

academic probation, possibly losing your scholarship if you don’t pull your grades up.

Mom is giving you the option: stay home and try college later after getting your

depression under control or go back to school and risk losing the scholarship and having to come

home anyway. You love the school you’re at, but without a scholarship you’ll never be able to

make it work financially. Your life is at your college. You don’t want to leave it behind just yet.

This isn’t like you at all. You’ve been a straight A student your whole life, but life got

hard that first year. You experienced your first heartbreak and your battle with depression proved

to be harder the further you were from home. So, what will you do?

You won’t lose your spark. You’ll go back to school and change your major: Math just

isn’t for you anymore. Instead, you’ll do a 180 and choose English and eventually Creative

Writing. You’ll pull your grades up: A’s and B’s. You’ll save your scholarship and make new

friends who make you happier than you’ve ever been. You’ll find out the credits you earned in

high school will prevent you from falling behind. You’ll learn you can graduate a year early with

a summer class to make up for the general education requirement you failed.

You just need to trust yourself to make the right decision. You’ll find your spark and be

okay in the end.

 Mixtape for My Past Lovers (Whether We Dated or Not)

To my first love, you were everything I could have dreamed of. You were so kind, sweet,

cute, and the perfect beginning. Until you weren’t. I’ll never understand why you had to break

my heart the way you did. Nor will I ever understand why you cheated but that’s your battle, not

mine. The love that I thought was pure and meant to last forever had to prove all good things

end. I guess a love that burned bright like ours had to die soon enough. Anyway, the song I

listened to most during our two years: Falling Like the Stars by James Arthur.

***

You were a breath of fresh air after a horrible time in my life. But really, you were hiding

some demons I only saw later. We only had one date and then you became creepily obsessed. I

don’t think I’ll ever forget the way my blood ran cold after hearing those three words reserved

for deep connections after only a week of talking. You creeped my friends out by asking where I

was when I took too long to respond. I guess your Jewish mom saved me. Here’s Love Hurts by

Nazareth.

***

We met on shift. Immediately, I found you attractive and you didn’t hold back your

comedy. We became friends, I introduced you to mine. I started feeling myself fall for you the

more I got to know you. You convinced my friends you liked me too. They pushed me to tell

you. I did while we were laying together in my bed. You said you thought you liked me too. A

week later, you were distant and cold. I didn’t understand, but I knew. Knew I had been lied to. It

hurt more that way. I’m glad we worked through it and are friends again, but I’ll always be

Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi.

 ***

You were the human embodiment of a golden retriever. You even told me that yourself

and when we met, I could see it immediately. You were so sweet and understanding of my

demisexuality. I could see us starting something, but apparently there was someone else you

were talking to. You started dating soon after we met. It’s fine that you’re happy, I just wish you

would’ve been honest with me. You may have moved on, but you were good to me by Chelsea

Cutler and Jeremy Zucker.

***

You doubt your worth. I see it, but to me, I think you’re wonderful. We’ve been friends

for a year now and here lately, I’ve been starting to fall for you. I know you don’t feel the same,

you’re about to start your life away from here. I hope that despite that, we manage to keep in

touch somehow. You’ve been nothing but kind and a gentleman with every moment we have

together. I hope you continue to shine your bright light for all to see. For you, Enchanted by

Taylor Swift.
 I’m Sorry, but at the Same Time, I’m Not

I lied when I told you I loved you for the first time. I didn’t know what love was really, I

was still learning, but you said you loved me, and I figured I must love you back since we were

together. I learned to love you later, but I don’t think I really did love you the first time I said it.

It had been a month into both of our first relationships, of course we didn’t know what love was.

But I knew that I liked you, and it was more than anyone I had liked before.

We did fall in love eventually, I know that. But I wonder about the first time we said it. I

know we meant it if the words came out, but were they just words?

Now, we’ve since broken up, but I still think about you. You may have broken my heart,

but I still wonder how you are. Are you ok? How’s your family? I always adored your

grandmother. Is she still ok? Do they know? Or did you completely blame me when it wasn’t all

my fault? You know what you did, but do they? Do you still think about me? You said it first, but

did you mean it? Did you mean it when you said it after you slept with someone else? Six

months. That’s how long you said it after her. Did you lie to me too?